"Our Child... is a STATUE?!"

by deadpansnarker

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Drama, Spike, Comedy, Cozy Glow, Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4231

Everything is ready for Twilight's big coronation. The solemn occasion however, is sensationally interrupted by two strangers, who have one simple yet pertinent question on their minds...

Everything is ready for Twilight's big coronation. The solemn occasion however, is sensationally interrupted by two complete strangers, who have one simple yet pertinent question on their minds...

Published 2020-05-19 07:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-05-21 14:40:54 UTC

So It Begins.

The great day had finally arrived. Wahoo!

The end of this current era, and the beginning of a new chapter. A blank space. A clean slate.

...Or substantially pretentious words to that effect.

Yes indeedy, I am referring to Princess Twilight Sparkle’s (soon to be Ruler Supreme Over All She Surveys, a moniker she promised only to use at official dinner parties) upcoming Canterlotian coronation.

And verily, they all did rejoice. Well, it’s not like they have any choice in the matter, is it? No one voted for her, she just kind of took the title. At least Mayor Mare, for all her multiple faults, was democratically electe…

A-hem. As I was saying, apart from the odd dissenting voice who’ll be dealt with at a later date (rainbow lasers and tickle sticks are usually an effective method at instantly quelling rebellions) everypony, everydragon, everyyak, everybreezie and indeed, every other species I was too lazy to list here was over the moon at the upcoming change in leadership now that the sun had set on the former incumbent sisters’ reign.

Do you see what I did there? Why they vetoed my request to do stand-up at the big ceremony instead of that guy with the dead rubber chicken and his weirdo pink sidekick, I’ll never know. I tell ya folks, this stuff is golden...

Regardless, now that Luna and Celestia are irrelevant has-beens taking up valuable space in Silver Shoals (too harsh?) a real leader is taking over. You know, one that’s not just all talk and has the enviable record of repeatedly saving the world to back up her worthy claim to the throne? Mentioning no names, of course. You just did… So, what are they gonna do: Have me arrested and thrown in the pokey?! They’re old, forgotten and no longer even have any official titles! Wow, your manes move of their own accord! No-one cares!

Anyway, enough of this back-and-forth with who-the-hell-knows. The many chairs are all set up. The sumptuous banquet is prepared. Even the weather has turned out lovely, courtesy of Rainbow Dash and her airborne buddies. A suited and booted Spike, as the compere of this most glorious of occasions, is clearing his throat to introduce his oldest and dearest friend. Watch out there Spike ol’ chum… don’t get too emotional... that plywood stage is looking pretty flammable there!

But wait. What’s that I spy in the water, sailing slowly into view? A ship, stupid. Well, that much is obvious, duh. What I mean is… who on Equestria could even think about taking a leisurely cruise on the day the biggest hoofover of power for millions of eons is about to take place?! Didn’t they get the memo: attendance at this most prestigious of shindigs is mandatory.

I repeat: mandatory.

Have I emphasised that enough? I think so. Let’s go in for a closer look, shall we? B-But what about privacy laws… shut up, other me! Have I got news for you… if I remember to take my medication later, you’ll be history! Bwhahaha… wait. You’re not laughing?!

Erm, I think you better look behind you, pal. And you don’t have to worry about the pills… I’m off. You’re on your own now, skip.

What are you talking about? There’s nowt here but me, the cool breeze wafting from the trees, the gentle surf lapping at my feet and an ominous dark shadow being cast over my shoulder… w-what?!

I spin ‘round to discover several hundred very upset ponies, who all seem to be members of CALAS (Celestia And Luna Appreciation Society, to the uninitiated) judging by their choice of acronym-strewn attire. There’s a lot of gnashing of teeth with murmurs of discontent, and a few are even clutching torches, pitchforks and dolls of me with multiple needles stuck in rather... sensitive regions. Ulp.

“E-Erm. Lemme guess. Is this an ironic nod to the stereotypical angry mob? Are you hosting this recreation of an age-old trope to honour Twilight’s love of classic literature? If so, g-great job.” I tried to speculate on the best case scenario. Hey, no-one ever accused me of being a pessimist.

Or indeed, possessing any rational contact with reality.

“Guess again, hater! We heard what you said to… someone, and we don’t like it!” A particularly obese pegasi member of the group snarled, somehow able to hover off the ground despite his considerable girth.

“Yeah! No-one is callous about ‘CALAS’, and gets away with it!” A somewhat thinner bespectacled unicorn continued the thought, whilst making stabbing motions with her horn, as if imagining me right in front of her.

“When Best Princesses aren’t around to defend themselves, we are their sword! Their shield! Their armour!! We will protect them from all slurs and insults, jokingly or otherwise, and swiftly eliminate…” A particularly crazed earth pony almost foamed at the mouth with enthusiasm at my upcoming disembowelment, before interrupting herself. “E-Er, where did he go?!”

“See ya laterz, suckers!” Fortunately, the insane zealot among their little number had provided me with ample distraction to, as they say, make a clean getaway.

Or, to be a little more coarse, save my sorry arse.

“Over there! Making faces at us and sarcastically waving! Let’s get ‘im!!” The large group of misfits and social pariahs moved like a swarm of (very nerdy) bees to impede my escape, and I realised all too late that stopping to gloat may have been a slight error of judgement.

Oh dear. It looks like you fine people will have to continue this tale without your beloved narrator to guide you. Tragic, I know. Bet you’re all heartbroken.

I’ll tell you what… if I’m still in one piece a few chapters from now, I’ll poke my head ‘round the corner to say ‘hi’ and inform you of anything you might’ve missed. Safety permitting, obviously.

Whoops, here they come. Wish me luck! Vamoose! Vamoose! Runs off as a herd of irate equines stampedes after him, using a bunch of profane expressions most unsuited to a simple kiddy show supposedly all about learning the twin virtues of tolerance and friendship.

(What? You mean, I can rate this fic a ‘T’? So I could actually tell you what these hooved hooligans had to say about moi, without incurring the wrath of the censors?! Oh, goody!)

(Well, here goes.)

(Don’t say you weren’t warned.)

(Last chance to turn back now!)

(Really last chance.)

(This is it…)

(They called me a…)

(A-A…)

(...)

(JollyOldRotter)

(Sorry about the lack of spaces there, but I’m still recovering from the shock. And I’m out of breath. They’re blasting me with magic! Who’d have thought simple, peace-loving creatures like these were capable of such awesome power? If only there was a clue in the title of the show…)

(Anyway, I’ll bid you farewell for now, before I fade into a frazzled fragment of flesh. Hey, that’s a good ‘un! Shame I have no time to write it down... Ouch.)

…………………………….

“All quiet on the starboard side, dear! Port-to-centre, aft-to-bow… from the crow’s nest, can you see if ‘land ho’ be our destination?” A pink pegasus with a somewhat curly orange mane eagerly regaled her husband, who stood just above the mast.

“I told you before, darling… you know I don’t understand all that fancy ship speak. And by the sound of it, neither do you.” The good-humoured greyish earth pony clambered down from his vantage point, to join his beloved on the deck. “This might be our boat, but I hardly think we’re experienced enough to start talking like a pair of grizzled old sailors just yet.”

“I know, but it’s just so exciting! And after spending years on a distant island researching the flora, fauna and wildlife there, I can’t wait to reconnect with civilisation again!” The pegasus unwittingly revealed the reason for her eagerness, as if her partner didn’t already know.

“Now now, darling. You knew our work was essential to the preservation of all natural life. I told you we might be away for a while.” The stallion offered an interjection by way of simply stating facts.

“Yeah, yeah. ‘If we didn’t carry out this invaluable service, who knows what rare fungi and seaweed might be on the brink of extinction in the near future’.” His wife did an impersonation of him at his most monotone, and for all accounts it was a pretty good one. “I understand. And for what it’s worth, I totally agree with our goals. B-But when I think of what I might have missed out on whilst I was gone… the ponies I left behind… the sacrifices I made…”

“U-Um…” The stallion paled slightly upon seeing his usually jovial love on the verge of tears. But that was just her nature, changing moods on the flip of a bit in the blink of an eye. “O-Oh look, we’re nearly there. Well, wherever ‘there’ is, anyway. Let’s check the chart: we sailed past the Ghastly Gorge about an hour ago, and that large forest over there should be the Everfree. So all those houses over there probably means we’re nearly at…”

“...‘Ponyville’! I love it already! Coz, you know… we’re ponies and ‘ville’ rhymes with all kinds of cool words! You know, like… ‘thrill’, ‘brill’, ‘krill’... we saw a lot of them on our little island, didn’t we, Ocean Glow?”

“We sure did, Cozy Nights.” The stallion nodded smilingly at his gushing wife. Slightly bipolar ways aside, he couldn’t have wished to marry a more charming, thoughtful mare.

No matter what his stuck-up family might say to him.

Which they did. Repeatedly.

Unlike Cozy Nights, relocating somewhere far away for years had come as a blessed relief for the much put-upon conservationist.

Just to get away from them.

“Ready to disembark, me heartie? Women and children first. That means me, for your information!” Cozy Nights snapped Ocean Glow out of his temporary daydream with a friendly nudge to the withers. “What’s the matter, darling? Nervous about meeting creatures without fins or flippers for the first time in ages? Don’t worry… I’ll hold your hoof. And even do all the talking, If you like. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m pretty good at that.”

Well, at least she knows her skillset… Ocean Glow pondered with a wry grin. I wouldn’t have her any other way.

………………………………….

“Hang on, are we sure this is Ponyville? I kinda thought they’d be more… ponies around.” Cozy Nights wondered aloud, as she and her partner trudged aimlessly around the abandoned streets.

“Hmm… yes, it is a bit strange that everything is so quiet.” Despite her often flippant nature, his wife did make the occasional good point. “There must be a reason behind all this emptiness. Maybe there’s some kind of big event scheduled that we’re not aware of? After all, we have been gone for a while now.”

“Hmph! Who do they think they are… leaving town the very second we come ashore?!” Cozy Nights exclaimed in annoyance, as though taking the desolation personally “Don’t they see how far we’ve travelled to get here today? Don’t they know how long we’ve been away? At the very least, I expected a conversation with another pony that wasn’t you for a change, but I suppose even that’s out of the question. No offense, dear.”

“None taken, I assure you. And, if you don’t mind me saying so darling, I think you’re being a trifle unfair. What did you expect to be waiting for us… a full welcoming committee? We’re not that well known around these parts... h-hey, where did you go?!” Ocean Glow suddenly realised he was talking to thin air, and glanced about frantically to try and locate his absent wife.

Not that he was too worried. Going walkabout at randomly inopportune moments was quite normal behaviour for her.

“Coo, would you look at this!” The stallion finally tracked his errant partner down a few feet away, where she gazed up in awe up at a giant stone monolith. “This has to be the most terrifying statue I’ve ever seen! Just staring at these three ghoulish faces brings me out in goosebumps: I must know who the sculptor is. Maybe we can commission him to do one of your mother…”

“Very funny, my love.” A smirking Ocean Glow half-heartedly chastised his wife, but notably he didn’t correct her. “Let’s see… there’s an inscription here. I’ll read it aloud, shall I?”

‘THIS MONUMENT TO DISHARMONY IS CURRENTLY ON TOUR ALL OVER EQUESTRIA, REMINDING EVILDOERS AND VILLAINS ALIKE THAT THE SPIRIT OF FRIENDSHIP WILL NEVER BE CONQUERED. MAY FUTURE GENERATIONS LEARN AND NEVER REPEAT THE MISTAKES OF TIREK THE TERRIBLE, CHRYSALIS THE CRUEL AND…’ “a-a-and…”

“What’s the matter, dear? Your stammer hasn’t come back again, has it? I told you to try those breathing exercises before opening your mouth, but you never listen to me, do you?” Cozy Nights frowned at her gibbering husband, having no trouble expressing herself at least.

“L-l-look a-at t-the…” Ocean Glow was quite unable to say any more, so simply gestured with one trembling hoof at the uppermost figure of the statue, just above the changeling queen and centaur.

“Okay darling, I get it. Geez, it’s only a little pony. Why are you acting so s-scared…” Cozy Night’s nonchalant mood was quickly dashed upon closer inspection of the small figure laid out before them, it’s face forever twisted into a grotesque mask of terror.

The plentiful dimples were all exactly in the right places.

The curled hair was just like she’d used to perm it.

The cutie mark was new, some kind of obscure chess piece…

Aside from that, there was basically no doubt…

This was the baby they’d lost years ago…

All grown up, looking very hard, and very grey.

“Cozy Glow?!”

Author's Note

Well, I'm back. :pinkiehappy: Don't all of you celebrate at once. :pinkiesad2:

I should really be updating one of my other undernourished stories, but never mind... I decided instead to start a new one regarding a subject very intriguing to me, which is: Cozy Glow's mysterious origins.

Sorry for the somewhat... bizarre intro, but that's just how I roll, doods. I swear the rest of the tale will be much more serious in tone...

...Well, a bit anyway. Tee-hee. :pinkiecrazy:

If you're wondering about our main couple's Cutie marks, they'll be revealed in the next chapter. I couldn't introduce them here without it sounding a little... I dunno... clunky?

Updates will be entirely dependant on time, mood, bribes and flattery. A combination of all four would be nice! Seriously, if you can figure out how to do it... do it.

Anyway, bye for now. I look forward to responding to the hordes of comments I'm sure are in the pipeline, because for obvious reasons I don't have much else to do right now.

...It's because of the pandemic, duh. I can't believe you didn't know that... :facehoof:

Meanwhile, In Canterlot...

“...Testing, testing...1, 2, 3…” A very dapper-looking Spike stood onstage, reciting a mantra of words and numbers into an oversized microphone lowered specifically for him. “Oh dragon, my dragon…”

It was a matter of minutes before the climatic moment of Twilight’s ceremonial coronation was about to start on that special sunny day in Canterlot, and completely against expectations everything so far had proceeded smoothly.

Which, if you’ve any idea of the ponies’ history of messing up big events, can be classified as a minor miracle.

Rarity had outfitted all the major players for the function, showing off her full range of sartorial talents… Applejack’s catering menu made up for taste what it lacked in variety (guess what the main ingredient was?)... Rainbow Dash’s pre-show aeronautics display featuring all the Wonderbolts had gone down a treat… even Fluttershy’s performing animals had stayed on stage and not tried to run off upon hearing the raucous crowd noises.

It was a tough act to follow Cheese Sandwich and Pinkie Pie’s one-off performance together (particularly as, at the end of thirty minutes of relentless frivolity and fun, they’d announced their romantic relationship together which’d really brought the house down) but Spike was determined not to be outshone. Even if his duties mainly consisted of introducing the day’s special guests…

...And a fuzzy mike reception wasn’t exactly helping matters.

“Oh darn it, I can’t get the right settings on this thing!” The irritated dragon growled, fidgeting around with the device to no avail. “I sound like I’ve got a frog in my throat! If everyone hears me like this, it’ll ruin everything! All the preparations, all the pomp… wrecked because I didn’t test the equipment properly pre-show! I knew everything was going too well!”

“Psst, Spike… What are you doing? Why are you still fiddling around with that thing?! I’m ready to go up any second and I’ve told you a million times already, I don’t want to wear this dress, beautiful though it is, any longer than I have to!” An understandably nervous Twilight peeked her head out from the curtain behind the scaly emcee, her movement noticeably more constrained than usual.

“Oops, sorry Twi. When I gave Rarity your measurements last week, I didn’t realise they were from when you were a unicorn! I was so busy arranging my own speeches for this evening, I completely overlooked the difference!” Spike finally understood the old Weather Pony saying: ‘It never rains, but it pours’. “...And now, I can’t even get this stupid piece of junk to work! I bet you regret giving me such an important role now. Y-you can be honest, I don’t mind.”

“Nonsense, Spike! No-one could do a better job than my Number One Assistant of making tonight a success! I won’t hear you talk yourself down like that anymore, either!” Despite feeling like her insides were being crushed a little with every step, Twilight bravely staggered forward to envelop the sniffling Spike in one of her comforting hugs. “Rarity also didn’t catch on, probably for the same reason you didn’t… putting too much pressure on yourselves to make everything perfect! Well, I happen to think perfection is overrated! Do you remember the first Grand Galloping Gala me and the girls attended, soon after we arrived in Ponyville?”

“Y-Yeah…” Spike wiped a stray tear away before nodding, though he’d actually spent most of the night at the bar. “Kinda.”

“We put too much emphasis on trying to have a foolproof evening, instead of just letting our manes down and having a good time. And, you know what…?“ Twilight proffered her intently listening subject with a subtle wink. “It was absolutely terrible. An unmitigated disaster. If we’d just relaxed and not taken it so seriously, I’m sure it wouldn’t have turned out half as bad. You see the lesson here, don’t you?”

“E-Er… I think so?” Spike scratched the bottom of his chin thoughtfully, before responding with a question of his own. “But, didn’t Celestia like how it ended? Didn’t she say it was a nice change of pace, from all the stuffiness from years past?”

“We got lucky. I don’t think she’d accept that level of unbridled chaos every gala. Her name isn’t ‘Discord’, after all.” Twilight dared sneak a peek in the VIP section at one of the two illustrious rulers she’d soon be stepping into the horseshoes of, but she was laughing at something her sister had told her and so paid their future successor no mind. “Hmm, since when did Luna get so funny? I hope they’re not gossiping about me…”

“Hmm? Twi? Did you say something else?” Spike was still pondering the moral of his mentor’s tale when he saw her agitated face. “Uh-oh. I know that expression. You’re about to ‘Twilight’ again, aren’t you? Do I need to fetch the rest of the girls again, to give you another pep talk about how everything’ll be alright and why all your problems are just in your head?”

“W-What do you mea… no, I feel fine! It’s all fine!! Seriously! Don’t worry about me!” Twilight spun around at light speed to reassure the dragon, but her uncontrollably twitching left eye told a different story. “Why is it, whenever I try helping you out with a difficulty, you end up teaching me something valuable as well? You’ve noticed that too, right?”

“I guess that means we compliment each other well.” Spike shrugged his shoulders by way of a response. “You, the neurotic librarian destined to be a great leader, as crazy as it sounds. Me, the snarky ‘sidekick’ who’ll grow up to be your most valued and loyal adviser. I learned to fly already, so it seems the most logical step, don’t you think(!)”

“Oh Spike, don’t ever change. I mean, you might get bigger one day and your voice may sound different with age, but as long as your loving heart stays the same, I don’t think any of that matters.” Twilight went in for another hug, and this full-on embrace involved her wings too… so when Spike eventually replied, his voice sounded somewhat muffled.

“Hey, when it comes to size, I have a feeling both of us are gonna go through some slight… modifications in the future.” Spike said smugly through the feathers, based on the maturation process of the other alicorns he knew. “But don’t worry… even if I didn’t have all the future perks of a top job in the royal court to look forward to, like free lava baths and all the gems I can eat, I’d still stay by your side ‘til the bitter end. After all… isn’t that what ‘True Friends’ do?”

“Wait. Your contract doesn’t state anything about…” Twilight exclaimed, before a cheeky grin from her scampish companion cut her short. “Oh, you! Well, I’ll see what I can do. Wouldn’t want to show any excessive favouritism to anycreature, would I? Even if they did deserve it. At least you’ve just demonstrated that you paid some attention to my friendship lectures over the years. And there was me thinking you just snored through most of them…”

Listen? I helped edit most of them! Thousands upon thousands of pages thrown away! It’s a good job I know where the recycling bin is! These were Spike’s initial thoughts just then, but he wisely decided this was a debate for another day, now that the ‘big moment’ was swiftly approaching.

“Anyway, are you sure it’s okay if I sound a bit weird through this mike? I mean, I don’t want to detract from the occasion…”

“Spike, did you see anycreature else here bothered when you introduced our friends to the stage? I know this is a bit rich coming from me, but try not to let small things like that get you down, ‘kay?” Twilight finally disentangled herself from Spike’s personage, but not before giving him a firm pat on the back for good luck. “You got this. You’ve carried out your role impeccably so far, and I see no reason why that can’t continue. Go get ‘em, champ!”

‘Champ’?! What’s that supposed to… But Spike had no more time to dwell on Twilight’s strange choice of words. She’d popped back behind the curtain, Octavia’s orchestra was in full voice, the mixed crowd went silent with anticipation and he realised one of the defining moments of his short life was now here.

Right. This is it, Spikey Wikey. No running away. No backing out. No hiding under the covers with a flashlight and a heap of special edition comics. It’s time to show them the old Spike, the one who never took anything seriously and made sardonic comments about everything and everyone is long gone. This is the new me. Strong. Resilient. Ready to take on my new responsibilities and run with them. Get ready world, you’re not gonna know what’s hit you…

The passion and commitment were there. The things he needed to say were clear in his head. Everything was set up so well…

The optimism lasted all of half a second.

“H-hi…” Was all the determined dragon was able to squeak out, before he was unceremoniously bundled to the floor by a diving pegasus.

Cozy Nights stood unapologetically over his dazed form as she took possession of the microphone, her pleasantly smiling moon Cutie Mark in direct contrast to her angry words.

“What have you ponies done with my daughter?!”

Author's Note

Whoa. Drama. Though, not as much as in the comments section, admittedly... my notification bell has been ringing off the hook... :raritywink:

Seriously though, it's all good. As long as passions don't run too high and we end up resorting to threats and insults. After all, we're not animals... we just happen to like a show which has them as the heroes. :rainbowkiss:

On another topic, I know I promised I'd reveal both the Cutie marks of our leading couple this chapter, but one outta two ain't bad, right? I swear though, Ocean Glow's special symbol with be revealed in the opening paragraphs of the next part. You don't have to believe me... you'll see for yourself soon. :scootangel:

Hope you enjoyed the Spike & Twi bonding, anyway. It was fun to write. Better enjoy the feelz while you still can though. Because believe me, things are about to get a lot heavier... :twilightoops:

P.S I changed the chapter title. :yay: