My Little Postal

by RavenousDash

Rating: mature
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Sex, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 10270

Poor Pinkie Pie, don't let those mean ponies get to you. Wait, what are you doing with that gun?!

What's that? You wanted a Postal crossover? You got it!

Pinkie Pie is having a hard time living in Paradise. Not surprising, since everypony is a big ol' meanie pants there. She also got fired from her job, and when looking for a new one, she meets a few new friends that aren't as sane as they appear.

Follow along with Pinkie as she learns many new things, has heart warming adventures with her beloved friends, and copes with the difficulties of life by practicing her new found hobby: raising Hell over Paradise like a full fledged maniac!

I rated it Mature and checked for sex and gore just to be safe. There is violence and sexual content, but not that explicit.

Published 2012-08-24 01:24:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-24 01:24:02 UTC

It's Not Easy Being Pink

Hello Fimfiction! I come from the planet of Fanfiction.net where this particular story was posted a while back, but I figured since it's pony related, might as well post it here too. Yes, I crossed Ponies with Postal. Someone had to do it, might as well be me.

Oh, don't take this too seriously, kay?

Chapter 1: It’s Not Easy Being Pink

Monday

*TOOT TOOT TOOT*

Such a dreaded sound so early in the morning. If there is something sent from the deepest pits of Hell, alarm clocks would probably be it. Everypony hates them. Nopony says “gee, thank you so much for waking me up, mr. alarm clock! I was getting so sick of this sleeping shit”, unless they were being sarcastic, of course.

*TOOT TOOT TOOT*

Alright, shut up already! Luckily, a pink hoof quickly took care of the problem. The alarm clock cracked on its foundation as it smacked down on the STFU button. The devilish contraption went silent, and the hoof retreated underneath the pillow, back to its snug and comfortable position.

“Ouchie… My head…,” the owner of said hoof groaned drowsily.

In bed was a pony that’s as pink as you could imagine. So pink that the homosexual community sees green with envy. Her body is pink, her mane is pink, her tail is pink, even her name contains the word pink. Pinkie Pie. If that is not the happiest name you’ve ever heard… But Pinkie Pie is having what most ponies would call “a bad mane day”.

With a groggy look on her face and two very bloodshot eyes, she rolled out of bed. While moaning something under her breath, she dragged herself to the kitchen.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up that late… Need coffee…”
Pinkie stayed up until the deepest depths of the night partying, cause that’s just what she does. It’s all clean though, no alcohol, no drugs or any of that filthy stuff, cause that’s not according to the Pinkie Pie style. Balloons, streamers, cake and games, that’s what she likes. Oh, and laughter. That’s because Pinkie Pie represents the element of Laughter, one of the Elements Of Harmony. Pinkie Pie has managed to keep up this mentality, but it hasn’t been easy lately.

That’s because, quite frankly, life’s a BITCH! Ponies are not spared from this fact either. Once you reach that certain age of responsibility, the dark side of society shows its ugly face, but you better be prepared to play this cruel game.

Pinkie Pie lives in an apartment. It ain’t much, but a place to stay is a place to stay. But when you live in an apartment, you gotta pay rent. To get the money to pay for the rent, you need a job. Thus, Pinkie Pie has a job, and that’s why she had to get up so early. It was a fun weekend, but playtime’s over now. She stumbled into the kitchen and headed straight for the coffee machine. After pouring in some water and waiting impatiently for the beverage to be done, she added several lumps of sugar to make it nice and sweet and took a big gulp.

Immediately, Pinkie’s hair puffed up and an incredible surge of pure energy raced through her, making every fibre in her body vibrate. She was temporarily lifted from the ground, and with that she was rejuvenated.
“WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!! Much better! Pinkie Pie is back in action!” she exclaimed in glee with a gigantic smile on her face.
Pinkie opened the curtains to let the sunshine in. It looked like it was going to be a great day already. After washing up, she gathered all her stuff for her job at the videogame company. It’s not that she was running late, but when she got this enthusiastic, she couldn’t wait to get going. That’s what the Element Of Laughter was all about. Also, arriving early makes you look good with the boss. Pinkie Pie was extra excited today, because she was gonna receive her pay check, just in time for pay day. And with the leftovers, she was gonna treat herself to something nice. She looked in the mirror one last time to see if her mane looked alright, then again her mane never seems to be wrong, and then she galloped out.

Just outside the apartment building was a giant billboard with the town’s name on it in big letters; Paradise. Underneath it was the town’s slogan; What? Were you expecting another pony pun?
Yes, this town is called Paradise, but that’s just a name. This place is far from an actual paradise. It is nice and quiet and all, but Pinkie Pie’s tendency to know every pony from the neighbourhood revealed that a lot of the ponies here are dickheads. The kind that you just wanna whack across the cranium the moment they open their mouths. The kind that would call you a piece of shit just for accidentally bumping into them on the street. The kind that Pinkie would never invite to one of her parties. Sadly, she hasn’t found many that she would yet, but she remained optimistic. There’s sure to be some ponies out there that are a lot of fun to hang out with. She just has to find them. For now, off to work she went.

While humming a happy song, Pinkie trotted through the streets of Paradise under the shining sun, pushing in a few of her trademark hops in between. Some of the residents had already risen and slowly crowded the sidewalks. Along the way, she passed a billboard for a new Krotchy toy, one that said something about an oncoming alien invasion, and a curious warning sign that said “Watch for psycho flankholes”, just to name a few of the oddities this town has to offer. Pinkie didn’t pay attention to them though. She was too far into her own happy world for that. They only confused her if she did anyway. A good 5 minutes of trotting is what took her to reach her destination. The videogame company called “Swimming With Pliers”, where she worked. Filled with enthusiasm, she scaled the stairs and entered the building through the automated doors.
“Good morniiing!” she chirped. “Pinkie Pie here, ready for duty!”
The receptionist, a young filly with a blue body and orange mane, appeared from behind her desk. “Oh, good morning Miss Pie,” she said with a smile. That’s the thing with being a receptionist, you always gotta be friendly. “The boss told me he wanted to see you as soon as you arrived.”
Pinkie paused for a second. “The boss?”
“Yes, so if you please. You know the way, right?” she said while nodding.
“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie said in an excited tone. “I’m on my way!”
With that, Pinkie hopped through the corridors on the way to the boss pony’s office. “Ooh, ooh, I wonder what he has to say! Is it time for a bonus already?! Or am I being declared employee of the month?” Pinkie Pie fantasized out loud. She then gasped, “Or, or maybe, a promotion? “Oh Pinkie Pie, you are such a fantastic employee, please take my seat as the leader of this company!” Hee hee, I couldn’t accept that! Or wait, yes I could!” she giggled. “Me, being the boss of this company, can you imagine that?”
Just a few hallways later and she was at the door of the boss’ office. “Okay, play it cool Pinkie, here we go!”
She knocked on the door with her hoof and just a second later a reply came from the other side. “Come in.”
So she did, and there sat the boss pony behind his desk, busy counting his money and smoking a cigar. He looked like a total schmuck, with a dark grey body and a dollar sign as a cutie mark, and dollars aren’t even the currency in Paradise.
“You wanted to see me, boss?” she said, and blinked her eyes rapidly.
“Ah, yes, Pinkie Pie. Pinkamena Diane Pie,” he said in a very suspicious tone while placing his cigar in the ashtray. “Take a seat.”
Pinkie looked around the room confused. “Ehm… There’s no chairs…,” she said.
“You’re a pony,” he retorted. “just sit on the floor!”
“Oh, right…” she chuckled.
Boss pony leaned back in his desk chair, brought his hoofs together and looked the still brightly smiling Pinkie Pie in the eye. “You are quite the pony, aren’t you, Miss Pie?”
Pinkie laughed a little nervously. “Oh, you know, I try.”
“Uhuh… Tell me, Pinkie, can I call you Pinkie?”
“Sure!”
“Okay, Pinkie, how long have you been working here?”
“A week!” she immediately answered.
“Oh, really? What a coincidence…,” he murmured. “Because I’ve been looking at some statistics from the past week. Are you aware that our production suddenly went down 30%?”
Pinkie stayed quiet.
“Why do you think that is, Pinkie?”
“Ooh, is this some kind of quiz?” she squealed. “Uhm, is it because somepony has been lazy?”
“Not particularly,” he said, rolling his eyes.
“Is it because of those protestors last week that thought your videogames were too naughty?”
“No,” he sighed. “I don’t think you’re seeing it…”
“Seeing it?” she asked puzzled. “Oh, I know! It’s because of you!” she exclaimed while pointing her hoof.
“NO!” he yelled with a facehoof. “You don’t get it! You’re fired, Pinkie!”
Hearing that, Pinkie’s body froze, with that wide smile stuck to her face. The only thing about her that was moving was an occasional eye twitch. “F…fired…?”
“Yes, I’m kicking you out of the company. Ever since I hired you, the production of Swimming With Pliers has gone down the shitter, and that’s your fault! You annoy the other ponies with your loudmouth attitude, you barely get any work done around here, and you seem to think this whole thing is just a game. Not to mention, the snack vending machine had to be refilled not once, not twice, but three times since you got here! You’re costing the company money, you’re costing me money, everypony keeps complaining to me about you and it’s driving me crazy! You are the single worst employee I’ve ever had the displeasure of hiring!”
Pinkie Pie was still nailed to the ground. But the more it all sunk in, the more the smile on her face turned around into a frown.
Fired…annoying…loudmouth…worst employee ever…worst employee ever…fired…worst ever…fired…annoying…
*POOF*
And Pinkie’s hair deflated on the spot and became completely straight instead of the usual curls, and her lower lip started trembling. “R…really…?” she said near the verge of crying.
“Yes, but don’t worry, we’ve already found someone to fill in your spot,” he said while leaning back.
“B-but…”
The pink filly was interrupted by a sudden knock on the door. “Ah, that’ll be him right now. Come one in!”
The door opened and in came this colt, buffed up on steroids with a beige coloured body and yellow mane and a cutie mark that looked like a computer. As he trotted in, he looked down at Pinkie with an extreme look of contempt in his face. He was actually looking down on her, mocking her as she sat there breaking down.
“Haha, is this the pony I’ve heard so much about? The worst employee ever, or something like that,” he grinned.
Pinkie Pie looked away from him, then looked the boss straight in the eyes.
“Please, don’t fire me! I’ll try harder from now on!” she pleaded, practically on her knees.
“Sorry, but no. As the boss of this fine company, I have to ensure its future. I don’t need no weak links working here,” he said while shrugging.
“But I need the money,” Pinkie cried, “I have to pay the rent and the owner will kick me out if I don’t! I’m already a month behind!”
“None of my concern,” the boss gloated. “Your pay check is on my desk, but don’t expect too much. Take it and get out!”
The broken Pinkie Pie let her head and tail hang low and let out a deep sigh. “Okie…dokie…lokie…”
She slowly walked up the desk, took the check in her mouth, turned around and left the office.
“Don’t let the door hit you in the flank on the way out, loser!” the bastard colt laughed.
Pinkie looked behind one last time and closed the door. A few seconds after, she heard the boss’ voice from inside.
“Congratulations, you’re hired! I’m expecting great results from you after the mess that other one made. Please sign here.”
“Owwwww,” Pinkie sighed depressed, and slowly walked away with her tail between her legs.

A few moments later, Pinkie was sitting on the front porch of the Swimming With Pliers headquarters, her ex-workplace since a few minutes. She was constantly sighing, and she never felt as hurt as she did now. Worst employee ever? That’s harsh no matter how you look at it.
“I don’t get it. Was I doing that bad?” Pinkie wondered. “And I could have sworn I was doing my best. Does everypony really think I’m annoying?”
She held the pay check she received in front of her face. “I sure hope this is enough…”
She heard the sound of the automated doors opening behind her, so she quickly looked over her shoulder. Much to her surprise, it was the boss pony.
“Oh, you’re still here!” he said. “Good. I forgot to give you something.”
“What’s that?” Pinkie asked somewhat curiously.
The boss pulled out some kind of canteen partially filled with some liquid and placed it in front of here. Pinkie looked at it with a big question mark over her head. “Ehh, what’s that?”
“Gasoline of course. It’s to compensate for the transportation expenses. It’s the special service we provide,” he answered very matter of factly.
“Couldn’t you just pay me? I don’t even have a car,” Pinkie replied.
“Are you saying you don’t want it?” he grunted.
“No, it’s okay, I’ll take it!” she said hastily. “Thanks…”
“That’s better. Here, take this too.”
The boss threw a small cardboard box her way. When she looked closer, she noticed that it was a box of matches.
“Your complimentary box of matches. Because you got fired. Haha, get it, fired?” he yukked.
“Hehe, yeah, fired… Heh, funny…” Pinkie mumbled with a forced smile.
“I know, I’ve got a million of them. Now leave this place and don’t come back. You’re bringing down our morale. Geez, even when fired you drag us down…,” he grumbled while he went back inside.
Pinkie Pie’s eye twitched again, and for the first time ever, she snapped. She got up on her hooves and waved her front legs around. “Oh yeah? Well I played your games! They suck! The graphics are horrible, the controls are awful, and the load times? I nearly starved to death while trying to load a level! And don’t get me started on the AI, I’ve seen smarter bricks! It wasn’t even worth the illegal download! So…so there, Meany McMeany Pants!” she yelled from the top of her lungs.
After her outburst, she plopped down on her behind and sighed yet again. She looked at the matches, then at the gasoline, back at the matches, back at the gasoline. “What am I supposed to do with these?”
She continued to look back and forth for a while, then brought her gaze at the building in front of her. She stared intensely for several seconds.
“I guess I’ll just get my check cashed now…,” she slowly said to herself. She placed the matches and the check on the gasoline canister, grabbed the handle with her mouth and walked off.

On the way to the bank, Pinkie got lost in thoughts. By now, her mane and tail were slowly returning to their original volume.
Was I thinking what I think I was thinking? Nah, couldn’t be, that’s not the Pinkie Pie style. I guess I’ll just forget about the whole thing. I mean, it’s not THAT bad, I’m sure I can find another job that I’m good at. Yeah, cheer up, Pinkie Pie. At least I got some Bits out of it.

“HALT! Stop right there!”
A voice came out of nowhere which shook Pinkie out of her thoughts. She looked around to find the source, but couldn’t see anypony.
“Up here, you moron!”
Up in the sky was a blue bodied Pegasus filly with red eyes and a multicoloured mane and tail. All the colours of the rainbow to be exact. Her cutie mark was that of a cloud with a rainbow coloured lightning bolt erupting out of it. What’s more, she was wearing a police uniform. Pinkie, as dumbfounded as she was, pointed at herself in confusion.
“Yeah, you, the pink one with the balloons on your flank! What are you doing with those things? Are you a Pyro?” she asked stringent.
“Hmfm mfmmmf?”
“Take that canister out of your mouth before you talk, you idiot,” the Pegasus growled as she landed.
Pinkie put the can on the ground and repeated herself. “A Pyro?”
“Yeah, as in Pyromaniac! You know, someone who sets things on fire for fun.”
“Me? No! This is compensation because I just got fired!” she laughed.
The winged pony rolled her eyes. “Very clever pun. Consider your flank arrested.”
“Arrested?!” Pinkie yelped.
The Pegasus grabbed her radio. “This is officer Rainbow Dash, I ran into a potentially dangerous individual. I’m detaining her now.”
As soon as she was done, Rainbow Dash tackled Pinkie Pie and forcefully pushed her to the ground. Pinkie was laying face down while Dash cuffed her front legs behind her back.
“You have the right to remain silent, yadda yadda, just shut up or I’ll be forced to beat the shit outta you.”
“Argh, no, you don’t understand! I really did just lose my job! I worked at Swimming With Pliers! They gave me this as compensation or something! Ask them!” Pinkie coughed with a knee lodged in her back.
“Did you just say Swimming With Pliers?”
“Yeah!”
Rainbow Dash clacked her tongue. “Tch, figures,” she huffed, then proceeded to take off the cuffs. “Officer Dash here, false alarm. Just an ex-Swimming With Pliers employee.”
“Copy that.”
Pinkie collected herself from the ground and rubbed the sore spot on her back. This new pony that was in front of her sure was strong.
“Sorry about that and all, Miss…”
“Pinkie Pie.”
“Miss Pie. Look, since it’s time for my break anyway, how about I buy you some doughnuts and we forget this ever happened. Whaddaya say?”
Pinkie’s face lightened up like a thousand suns and she started hopping up and down excited. “Oh, oh, DEAL!”
“Alright, alright, you don’t have to get that excited.”

A little while later, at the doughnut shop.

“I haven’t seen you around yet. Officer Dash, right?” Pinkie asked as she gobbled up another doughnut.
“That’s right, Rainbow Dash for the friends. Only the fastest pony in all of Paradise and far beyond,” she said proudly with a big boast in her voice. “So, you worked at that bogus game company, did you?”
“Yeah, only for a week though,” Pinkie replied sadly. “The boss called me the worst employee ever.”
“Hah, don’t let that prick get you down. I know him, a real corporate scum sucker. If he’s not making money, he’s fucking ponies over. And just between you and me, a lot of his reasons for laying ponies off are pulled straight from his flankhole.”
“Ahah, I knew it! I knew I wasn’t doing as bad as he told me I was! What a jerk,” Pinkie rambled as she knocked her hoof on the table. “Well, maybe it’s good I got fired, maybe I don’t wanna work for that big ol’ Meany McMeany Pants!”
“There, ya see?” Dash laughed. “There’s plenty of jobs here in Paradise. I’m sure you’ll be fine. And when you see that boss pony again, just kick him in the nuts and say “hey, you cock, I’m glad I ain’t working for you anymore!”. You have my permission,” she winked.
“Thanks,” Pinkie giggled, “but I think it’s fine just like this.”
“If you say so. But hey, I gotta get going. Got some more baddies to cap,” Dash announced as she finished her coffee. “I’ll be seeing you around, okay?”
“Okie dokie lokie! Oh, hey, Rainbow Dash!”
“Yeah?”
“I just want you to know,” Pinkie stumbled, “that you’re the nicest pony I’ve met in Paradise yet. If I give another party, will you come?”
Rainbow Dash smiled and gave a salute. “Just sent me an invitation and I’ll be there! See ya!”
And with that, the blue Pegasus flew off, leaving Pinkie behind quite content.
“She really was nice,” she smiled widely. “But that was kinda weird. What was that about calling my ex-boss a rooster?”

With her spirits lifted, Pinkie Pie resumed her quest to the local bank. She left the gasoline and matches at the entrance, since she didn’t want to cause another ruckus. It’s not like she cared if they got stolen anyway. She went through the revolving door and was greeted by some calm and soothing music running in the background, which reminded her of elevator music. There were three teller windows to her right, but it appeared that only one of them was open, and in front of it was a huge queue. There was no choice but to wait in line. So there she stood, in front of at least 15 ponies, and the teller sure was taking her sweet time. While Pinkie was tapping her hoof on the ground just to stay busy, she was suddenly pushed out of the way. The check fell from her mouth because of the shock, and to her disbelief, standing before her was that beige coloured colt from before. The same one that stole her job.
“H-hey! What the…,” Pinkie snapped.
“Move it, Loser Pie, I’m taking your spot,” he said with that familiar grin.
The nerve of this pony! First he steals Pinkie’s job, and now he cuts him in line. Any normal pony would have lost their mind by now. Pinkie looked around looking for a referee or something like that. A police officer standing by the window keeping guard caught her attention, so she called out to him.
“Officer, officer, this pony cut me in line!” she yelled waving her hoof around.
But the cop just looked at her with a dumb face, shrugged it off and continued to ignore her. The bastard colt grabbed Pinkie by the neck and pressed his nose against hers. Pinkie was looking straight into his hate filled, threatening eyes.
“If you squeal on me one more time, I’ll seriously hurt you. Got that?”
The colt let go and turned around with a vile laugh. Pinkie rubbed her neck and frowned. But inside her head, she was raging.
Your cutie mark should have been a penis, because you’re very good at being a dick. If Rainbow Dash was here, she’d show you a few things about getting hurt, you fucking colt cuddler.
As the line went on, Pinkie received several sneak kicks from the bastard colt in front of her. They hurt like hell, but she bit through it and didn’t budge. When she nearly reached the window, her legs were looking all blue from the abuse. Finally after all that shit, it was her turn. Without wasting time, she placed the check on the counter.
“Hi, I would like to have this cashed please,” she said exhausted, but with a polite tone.
But the teller, without missing a beat, looked at her and said “I’m sorry ma’am, but you’ll have to move to the back of the line.”
(Now, this might not make any sense to you, but if you’ve ever played Postal 2, you’ll get it…)
Pinkie’s eyes went wide open in confusion and she shook her head quickly. “Uh…I…but…whu?! Why?!” she rambled dumbfounded, and gave her an intruding stare. “I’ve been waiting in line just like everyone else!”
“I’m sorry, but move to the back of the line,” she repeated casually.
Pinkie looked behind her. Another 15 ponies had filled up the line in the meantime. She then turned back to the teller. “Is it because I’m pink?” But the teller didn’t answer that. Disgruntled, Pinkie took the check back in her mouth and angrily stomped to the back of the line again.
This is horseshit! Bunch of racist bastards!
Another 25 minutes passed, and Pinkie was second in line. Again, several ponies had gathered up behind her. When the filly in front of her moved and gave her goodbyes, she approached the window, only to see it getting closed.
“I’m sorry, but this window is closed now. Please move to the one to the right, they will help you further,” she said.
Pinkie’s jaw fell open and the check twirled to the ground. “You gotta be kidding me!”
And at the middle window, of course, all the ponies that were once behind her had already moved, and they line was even bigger than before. Pinkie was standing alone before the closed window. Her eyelid twitched again and again. Finally, a small giggle escaped her that bordered on insanity. “Eheheheh… Keep cool now, Pinkie. Don’t lose your temper. It’s fine. I’ll just take my check and…move to the back of this line here. It’s only, like, 25 ponies. How long could that take? A half an hour? I’ll just have to forget about the pain in my legs. How about I sing a song? Lalala…”

40 minutes passed, and it was almost closing time. All the employees were busy wrapping things up for the day, and the last customers were on their way out. The last customer of the day was a severely pissed off Pinkie Pie. She appeared in front of the teller, her hair straight down again, with a vicious death glare in her eyes. She slapped the check on the counter.
“Cash this!” she growled.
“Excuse me?”
“Look, I’ve been waiting in line for more almost two hours. I would like to get my money now, thank you very much!”
“Oh, okay,” the teller responded with a smile. “I’ll take a look at it for you.”
“Thanks…”
She scanned the check in her computer, then tapped on some keys. “Okay, that looks to be in order.” She then reached down the desk and came back up with a few bills in her hoof. “Here you go, 200 bits. Thank you and come again.”
“200?!” Pinkie exclaimed confounded. “That’s it? Just 200 bits? Are you sure?”
“Yes, no doubt about it. Is there some kind of problem?” she inquired.
“Heh, no, no problem… It’s not like I expected otherwise. I waited for two hours for 200 bits I got from my lousy ex-boss for a whole week of work. Maybe I can rent a cardboard box somewhere next to the freeway,” Pinkie rambled frustrated.
“Ma’am, I’m just doing my job. Please leave now, we’re closing,” the teller retorted.
“Oh yeah, and I have a few things to say about your service, but I’d hate for you to lose sleep over that. Please don’t think about me tonight in your comfy bed while I’m sleeping under a bridge. Good day to you, lady!”
With that, Pinkie left the building, grabbed the gasoline and matches that were miraculously still standing there, and headed home.
200 bits, what a cruel joke. 200, for a whole week. How am I gonna pay for my two months worth rent?

That night.

“1000 bits. I had to pay 1000 bits…”
The owner of the apartment wasn’t very happy with Pinkie’s offering. 200 wasn’t nearly enough to give her another month, so she was forced to pack her bags and get out. Where was Pinkie now?
“I guess this bridge is my new home now…,” she sobbed.
Pinkie laid down on the cold concrete, staring forward aimlessly. A deep sigh escaped from her. The only entertainment she had was listening to the symphony of raindrops from the storm that was raging. She was cold, hungry and lonely.
“Pinkie Pie, you’re not doing well,” she said to herself. “What am I going to do now?”
She curled up in a ball in an effort to warm herself up. She could just use the gasoline and matches to start a fire, but that would just get her into trouble again. This whole damned town has spat in her face. Just earlier, she became so angry that she was on the verge of snapping, but now depression has taken over. Paradise, my flank.
Poor Pinkie cried herself to sleep.

I made this!

Bucking Hell

Here's chapter 2. I already had it finished. Hey, 2 dislikes already! Yeah, I hate this story too.
This is NOT a clopfic btw! (don't get your hopes up)

Chapter 2: Bucking Hell

Tuesday

After the longest night she ever experienced in her life, a sullen and sad, not to mention dead tired Pinkie Pie crept through the streets of Paradise, dragging along all the stuff she had to pack. Her suitcase and the gasoline can were strapped to her torso crudely with a leather belt, so she at least had her mouth free. Speaking of her mouth, she sure could use a bite. Her stomach growled greedily, loud enough for the bystanders to hear it. But she was fresh out of money, because the owner of the apartment took it all from her in a fit of anger, saying something about damage expenses or crap like that. And no money means no food, and she didn’t want to be a thief.
“What am I going to do for money now?” Pinkie pondered. She looked at herself in the reflection of a window. She was a mess. Bags under her eyes, her mane was dirty, and as she noticed herself before, she smelled bad too. What just one night of sleeping under a bridge can do to you. “Nobody’s gonna wanna hire me when I’m looking like this… I guess I’ll just have to beg for some money like a real homeless pony.”
Pinkie sat herself down on the sidewalk and looked around for a target. After a few seconds, a white bodied unicorn colt came from behind the corner, and this guy looked like he had a very fat wallet just by looking at his stroll. Pinkie prepared herself and cleared her throat.
“Okay, here goes…”
She waited until he came close, then addressed him. “Excuse me, sir! I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m really hungry, and I was just wondering if-”
“Go fuck yourself, you filthy earth pony!” he hissed, and continued to trot onwards.
Embarrassed and disappointed, Pinkie let her head hang low. “Thanks anyway…,” she said softly. “Well, I guess it’s just a bad start, no big deal. Maybe I’ll just have to aim a little lower for now,” she motivated herself, and started looking for another target. There was a brown earth filly passing by. Worth giving it a shot.
“Excuse me, ma’am! Could I please-“
“Get a job, you bum!”
Pinkie was baffled by how rude these ponies were, but she wasn’t about to give up!

“Ma’am, you wouldn’t happen to have-“
“Eww, get away from me! You stink!”

Not giving up yet.
“Sir, if I could just-“
“Leave me alone, you freak!”

Not. Giving. Up!
“Sir, do you ha-“
“Piss off!”

And this went on for at least an hour, and at the end of all of Pinkie’s efforts and trying different tactics, she made a total of zero bits.
“Guess I’m no good at begging,” she sighed, and her stomach growled again. Hopelessly, Pinkie laid down and burrowed her face between her front legs. “I’m so hungry…,” she whined.
But then!
“Oh, you poor dear!”
A sudden voice, which actually sounded sympathetic for a change, came from before her. Pinkie raised her head and saw a white unicorn filly with a genuine look of concern on her face standing there. Her mane and tail were purple coloured with beautiful, stylized curls. Her eyes were blue, and adorned with plenty of long eyelashes and a light blue eye shadow, and her cutie mark portrayed 3 shiny diamonds. Both her appearance and her way of talking radiated extreme class and sophistication, so then why did she even bother talking to a bum like Pinkie?
“Eh, you mean me?” Pinkie replied, caught off guard.
“Why, of course, who else could I be talking to?” she said with a real lady-like voice. “What happened to your mane, darling? It’s a complete mess! You look like you could use a bath, too.” The unicorn leaned in and sniffed, then pulled back swiftly. “Ugh, not to mention, smell like it!”
“Yeah, I know…,” Pinkie blushed. “I’ve been having it rough lately.”
“Is that so? Would you care to talk about it?” she asked while kneeling down.
Amazed, Pinkie stared into the unicorn’s eyes. “R-really?”
“Of course,” she smiled. “I’m all ears.”
“Well,” she started, “I got fired from my job, and my boss paid me way below minimum wage, and I didn’t have enough money to pay the rent so the owner kicked me out and I had to spend the night under a bridge,” she rambled with an angry undertone. “On top of that, I got bullied at the bank and now my legs hurt, and everypony is just so mean to me!”
“Oh my, that’s terrible! That boss of yours sounds like a real ruffian to me.”
“He is! He’s such a cock!” Pinkie snarled.
“Ehh, excuse me? Well, anyway, I take it you have nowhere to go then?” she gested.
“No, I’m pretty much homeless now,” Pinkie said sadly.
The white unicorn got up on her hooves and pushed her mane back into place. “Well then, I suppose I could give you a helping hoof.”
Pinkie’s face beamed. “For real?”
“Yes! I assume you are looking for a job, correct?”
Our little pink filly bounced up in excitement. “You have a job for me? Do you?”
“Not right now, unfortunately. But how about you come over to my place and get freshened up? That way, you will be a lot more presentable once you apply for a job! What do you say?”
“Oh, I’d love that! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she sparkled with happiness.
“You’re honest, I like that,” she giggled gracefully. “My name is Rarity, by the way. What’s yours?”
“I’m Pinkie Pie!”
“Well then, Pinkie Pie, shall we go?”

And so, Pinkie followed Rarity across town, once again reminding Pinkie that, even in this hate filled town, there is still some kindness to be found. They finally arrived at what had to be the prettiest house in Paradise. It was separated from all the other buildings, quite large with a big garden with many colourful flowers. The walls were painted white, and red curtains could be seen behind the windows, anyway, it really was a nice house. Pinkie’s mouth fell open in amazement. “This is where you live?! Are you rich or something?”
“Ohohoh, no,” Rarity laughed. “Well, I’m not doing bad for myself, but I wouldn’t say I’m rich or anything. Now, come one in! But wipe your hooves, if you don’t mind.”
Once Pinkie made it through the front door, her jaw dropped even more. Imagine a really nice and classy looking living room. Yeah, that will do. Every nook and cranny was cleaned to the point of perfection, and the floor was so shiny that Pinkie could see her own reflection in it. In the corner were some pony mannequins wearing a collection of dresses.
“Are you sure you’re not loaded?” Pinkie asked again.
“I suppose I have some money, yes,” Rarity giggled with modesty, “but I’m not stinking rich or anything. I just like to live pretty, that’s all.”
“You make dresses?” Pinkie inquired, pointing at the mannequins.
“Yes, that is my profession. I’m a fashion designer, and I made my home into my workplace. It’s what I wanted to do since I was a little filly,” she said proudly.
“Oh, that’s nice! How’s business?”
The smile quickly disappeared from Rarity’s face, and then turned into an insecure expression, almost nervous like. “Business?... Ahahah, it’s…ehh…”
“Oh? No good?”
“Well, to be honest, I’ve done better…”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“Oh, it’s quite alright,” she sighed. “Every business has its ups and downs, I suppose.”
Pinkie walked around the room and looked around. “I’m wondering… These are really nice dresses, so how come business has been so bad lately?”
It stayed eerily quiet in the room when that question fell, and even though she wasn’t looking, Pinkie could literally feel the tension rising. “Rarity?”
She looked behind and saw that Rarity’s eyes were pointed to the side, and a terribly angry frown was on her face, like she was about to burst into a fit of anger any second. A vicious, murderous aura emitted from her body, scaring the shit out of Pinkie. “Ehm…Rarity?” Pinkie said cautiously. “Are you alright?”
“It’s because of them…,” she mumbled while gnashing her teeth. “Those slimy, miserable pieces of…”
Just before she was about to crack, she snapped out of it. “Oh, I’m terribly sorry about that. I don’t want to bother you with my…personal affairs, hehe. Don’t worry about it, dear,” she laughed. “Now, the bathroom is just at the end of the corridor, go ahead and freshen up now.”
Pinkie Pie was confused and a little bit frightened. “Eh, okay…,” she said, and headed for the bathroom.
What was that all about?

About a half and hour and an extensive bath later, Pinkie was fresh and clean again. She shook her head from side to side rapidly to get her mane in place and was now ready to go job hunting.
“Much better, dear. Oh, I know, how about a make-over?” Rarity said.
“No, I’m fine like this,” Pinkie smiled widely. “Guess I’ll be off to look for a job then.”
Just then, her stomach growled loudly again. Pinkie blushed slightly. “Let’s hope I find one soon before I starve.”
Rarity laughed. “You can’t work on empty stomach now, can you?” She levitated her wallet with her magic horn and opened it up. “Here, take this, just to get you started again.”
Pinkie stared in disbelief at the money floating her way. “400 bits?!” she exclaimed. “Are you sure?!”
“Very sure. Come on, take it, and go buy yourself some food.”
Pinkie was so happy she could cry. 400 bits, that’s double of what her lousy boss gave her! Rarity sure was generous.
“Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!” she yelled while giving her a tight hug. “You’re a great friend, Rarity!”
“Friend…,” she repeated, “why, yes! Of course! You’re very welcome,” she smiled. “Don’t be a stranger, alright? Stop by every once in a while.”
“You bet! See ya, Rarity! Thanks again!”
With that, Pinkie galloped off.
“See you later, Pinkie.”
With a bunch of money in her pocket, Pinkie Pie skipped through the streets of Paradise. Finally, things were looking good for her again. The first thing on her to do list was to get some food, so she stopped by the closest snack bar. She walked into what appeared to be some kind of bakery, and the sweet scent of sugary baked goods welcomed her in. That was the only thing that welcomed her though, since there was no one behind the counter. Pinkie waited for a while, figuring out what she was going to buy in the meantime. There was so much; muffins with apple fragments, cupcakes with apple flavour, apple fritters, apple flaps,…candy apples,…apple pie… Everything had apples in it! It’s a good thing Pinkie wasn’t allergic to apples. 2 minutes later, still no service. Pinkie tapped her hoof impatiently. Maybe they didn’t hear her come in.
“Hello?” she called out, but no response. “I have money!”
Out of nowhere, a filly with a lime green body popped up from behind the corner. Her ears twitched as if Pinkie just said the magic word. “Oh, a customer! How can I help you?” she said.
“Hi! I’d like to have five apple fritters and an apple muffin, please.”
“Certainly! That’ll be 35 bits. Are you eating that here?”
“Sure,” Pinkie replied, and gave her the money. “Say, why does everything here have apples in it?”
“Well, this place is called “The Apple Corner” for a reason. We work in collaboration with Sweet Apple Acres, so we regularly get the freshest and sweetest apples sent to us, and we in turn manufacture them into all these snacks. The profit is divided between us.”
“Sweet Apple Acres?” Pinkie pondered. “Oh, that place on the outskirts of Paradise with all the apple trees?”
“Yes, that’s the place. We’re expecting a new batch to come in soon. It is bucking season after all,” the filly said while placing Pinkie’s order on the counter. She then reached for a flyer and gave it to her. “Here’s some more information if you’re interested. Thank you and come again.”
Pinkie took her food and the flyer and sat herself down at one of the tables. While munching on a fritter, she started reading.
It’s Applejack’s Sweet Apple Acres: Not jackin’ off, just buckin’ around. The best apples and apple accessories in yer neighbourhood. Ask yer local apple dealer.
Then the paragraph underneath caught her attention.
Hang on to yer flanks, everypony! It’s that time again! Apple buckin’ season is here, and ya know what that means. We’re lookin’ fer buckers to help harvest the apples. If ye’re a jobless bum and lookin’ ta make sum cash, stop jackin’ around an’ apply to Sweet Apple Acres! Yer service will be appreciated.
PS.: If ye’re a filthy tree hugger, buck off!
Pinkie’s eyes lit up like Christmas lights. “Apple bucking! I can do that!” she exclaimed excited. This whole job hunting thing might have just turned out easier than expected.

After getting her fill, she set off to her next destination. Sweet Apple Acres. It was quite a distance, but she kept the pace. About 20 minutes later, just out of town, she arrived at a place where there were plenty of apple trees in the vicinity. In fact, trees as far as the eye could see. No doubt this was the place, but unfortunately, Pinkie lost track of the road and was now walking in between the trees.
“I wonder where I have to apply…”
After a few more minutes, it occurred to her that she was lost. There were so many damn trees, all filled up with shiny red apples, and Pinkie had no idea where she was going. A while later, she finally saw the road between the bushes again. This would probably take her to where she had to be. She rummaged through the bushes, but she didn’t quite make it through. Suddenly, Pinkie was staring directly into the double barrel of a shotgun.
“Hold it right there, li’l filly. Whatchu doin’ here?”
The owner of that shotgun was a filly with an orange body, blonde mane and tail, both tied at the ends into small ponytails, and green eyes. Her cutie mark consisted of three red apples. She had several freckles underneath her eyes, and on her head was a brown cowboy hat. She did not look happy to see Pinkie, as she pushed her shotgun against her face.
“Go on, talk, an’ give me a good reason not ta blow yer head off,” she grumbled.
“I-I-I-I… I’m here f-for the j-j-job...,” Pinkie stammered scared. “Ap-p-p-plying and all…”
“Job?” the redneck filly repeated. Pinkie gulped and nodded, sweat dripping off her face.
After a long, soul piercing stare, she finally gave a little chuckle. “Heheh, figures. Ya didn’t look like an apple thief to me.”
She lowered her gun and placed in the holster strapped to her hips. “Mighty sorry ‘bout that pardner, we’ve just been on our toes lately is all, even though we don’t have ‘em. Ya didn’t piss yerself, did ya?”
“I was close…,” Pinkie sighed in relief and wiped the sweat off her forehead. “Ehm, are you Applejack?”
“Yep, that’s me! AJ for the friends,” she said with a smile and pushed her cowboy hat up. “Who’s lookin’?”
“I’m Pinkie Pie,” she introduced herself, “I’m here to buck apples!”
“Yeah, I caught that. Pleased ta meet ya,” Applejack said, and gave her a quick hoof shake. “Follow me.”
Applejack headed down the road and Pinkie followed her closeby. They were heading towards what appeared to be a big barn in the distance. Most likely where the owners were staying.
“Glad ta see someone finally applyin’. Apple bucking season has started, and I tell ya, with this many apples, the family could really use some help,” AJ started.
“This is a family business?” Pinkie inquired.
“Yep! All this ya see and more belongs ta us. It’s a big family, and we have several orchards spread all over Equestria, some of ‘em even bigger than this one here,” she said proudly.
“Really? That has to be one big family you live in!”
“It sure is, Pinkie. Now ah know what ye’re thinkin’, but it ain’t like that, ah swear!”
Pinkie pinched one eye half shut in confusion.
“Anyways, ah was just recently put in charge of this here Paradise orchard, so it’s mah job to make sure everythin’ runs smoothly, but since we’re a li’l bit short on ponies, we’re hirin’ buckers to help with the harvest.”
“And that’s where I come in, right?” Pinkie chirped.
“Yeah, hopefully. So, what’s yer story?” she asked.
“Well,” Pinkie began, “I was fired from my job yesterday, and my boss paid me way below minimum wage, so I was kicked out of my apartment cause I couldn’t pay the rent.”
“Ah, that sucks. An’ then what?”
“I had to spend the night under a bridge, but earlier today I met this really nice pony called Rarity and she gave me some money to get started again, so it’s not all bad! Then I saw your advert and now I’m here!”
“So I’m figuring ya ain’t got no place ta stay?”
“No,” Pinkie replied sadly. “But, hopefully I’ll find something new soon!”
AJ pondered for a little while, then made a proposition. “Tell ya what, Pinkie. If ya do a good job today, I can hook ya up with somethin’”
“You can?” Pinkie said hopefully and happily.
“Yeah, sure. There’s a trailer behind the barn that ain’t in use. It ain’t much, but it sure as hell beats sleepin’ on the streets, don’t it?”
“Oh, that would be so nice! I’ll do my best!” Pinkie cheered.
“Heh, don’t mention it.”

It was right about this time that they arrived at the barn, that was even bigger than it previously appeared. It was a simple barn, made out of regular wood. It wasn’t bad, but it looked like it could use a little renovating. This was where the apples were being stored, apparently. In front of the barn sat a big, strong looking colt, red of body colour and with an orange mane and tail. He had a cutie mark of a green apple sliced in half, green eyes, and in his mouth was a strand of grass. He was obviously waiting for Applejack to return, as he appeared to be quite tense and on guard.
“Hiya big bro. False alarm. Ah picked up this here pink one. She’s here to buck apples, but she got a little lost,” Applejack said.
He sighed deeply, and suddenly, it looked like a heavy load fell off his shoulders. He calmly sat down and became more relaxed. “That’s good to hear,” he said in a sluggish southern accent. “We should stay alert though, them fellas could be here any time.”
“Pinkie Pie, meet Big Macintosh, my brother,” AJ said.
“Pleasure,” he said with a nod.
“Likewise,” Pinkie giggled, “but who’s “them”? Are you expecting someone?” she asked curiously.
“Oh, don’t worry ‘bout that. We got it under control, no biggie,” she said with a reassuring tone. “But ah reckon it’s time to see what ya got. Let’s see ya buck the apples outta that tree yonder!” Applejack pointed at an apple tree which had several crates underneath it to catch the apples.
“I’m on it!” Pinkie said, and walked towards the tree. It was a pretty big one, so it looked like it needed a lot of force to shake it up enough. Pinkie focused.
Okay, this is it. Don’t blow it!
She turned around and looked over her shoulder, then redirected all her strength to her hind legs, lifted her hooves from the ground, and with a short grunt, kicked the tree with all she had. As her hooves slammed against the thick trunk, the tree rocked and all apples came loose and tumbled into the crates.
“I did it! I did it!!!” she exclaimed with glee.
“Well well,” Applejack grinned. “You’re a mighty lot stronger than ya look. Congratulations, Pinkie.”
“Eeeyup,” Big Macintosh agreed.
“So, do I have the job?” Pinkie sparkled.
“Hold yer horses. Sure, ya have the strength, but do ya have the stamina? We’re expectin’ ya to buck tree after tree, not just one every hour or somethin’. Go out there and buck every tree ya come across, and then we’ll see.”
“Got it! Time to get to work!”
And with that, Pinkie trotted off for more bucking. No matter what, she had to get this job.
“Whaddaya think, Big Mac?”
“Ah dunno. She seems energetic enough, but it’s hard labor.”
“What do ya wager?”
“Half an hour.”
“Alrighty.”

And so, a half an hour passed. All the ponies of Sweet Apple Acres were out bucking their flanks off, while Applejack and Big Macintosh were looking over things. They still seemed to be on heavy guard.
“Ah sure hope this shit blows over fast so ah can go back ta work,” AJ grumbled.
“You’re sayin’ you’re not enjoyin’ this whole not doin’ anythin’ thing?” Big Mac said.
“Are you kiddin’ me? Ah’m stressed out as all hell. My hooves are itchin’, and ah have too much energy stored up. Just let ‘em come already so we can get this over with!”
“Remember what Granny Smith always used ta say, “careful what ya wish for”,” Big Mac mumbled. “Well, that and “who wants to give me a sponge bath”.”
“That last part was so not relevant, and thanks for remindin’ me ‘bout that horrifyin’ piece o’ history.”
“Don’t mention it. We’re brother and sister, we have ta fuck with eachother.”
“See now, it’s that kinda talk that brings up such misconceptions about us with everypony, so I’d kindly ask y’all to stop it!” AJ barked.
“Lighten up AJ, ah was just kiddin’.”
“Ah know,” she sighed. “Ah’m sorry. Ah just haven’t been sleepin’ well lately is all.”
Big Mac looked straight ahead over the horizon, then pointed in between the trees. “Looks like our pink friend is back.”
“Uh oh, that don’t look too good now.”
An exhausted Pinkie Pie was dragging herself back to the barn, panting and coughing. She obviously had trouble walking. Applejack ran up to her, and her brother followed.
“What’s the matter, sugarcube?”
“I…I can’t…,” she sputtered between heaving. “I can’t go on. My legs hurt, my flank hurts, my everything hurts!”
“Looks like ya owe me some money, AJ,” Big Mac said nonchalantly.
“Hush up, you!” Applejack hissed. “Now Pinkie, ah hate to say it, but ah don’t think ya have what it takes to take up apple buckin’.”
“You’re the mentor,” Pinkie croaked as she collapsed on the ground.
“Ah appreciate yer enthusiasm an’ all, but maybe ya should go look for somethin’ else. Somethin’ a little less…labour intensive, if ya catch me. For your sake too,” she advised.
“Y-yeah, gotcha,” Pinkie puffed.
“Now, why dontcha take a breather, and we’ll discuss some stuff together afterwards.”
“Okie dokie lokie…”

Some time later.

“Okay, so here’s the ticket.” Applejack announced. “Since it’s a little late to go jobhuntin’, Ah’m gonna be all friendly like an’ let you stay for the night. Ya’ll can use the trailer ah mentioned earlier. Ah sent somepony to tidy it up a tad.”
“Thanks!” Pinkie said happily and gratefully.
“Tomorrow in the mornin’, ya can have breakfast with the apple family. We’ll show ya a little of our family hospitality. After that, ya can go look for another job. How’s that sound?”
“Sounds great! Thanks, Applejack!”
“Alrighty then. It’s getting’ late, how’s about we get some grub?” Applejack announced.
“Sure,” Pinkie giggled.
Heehee, no sleeping under a bridge tonight! This is starting to look good!
Applejack and Pinkie walked towards the residential area, talking along the way.
“Just you wait ‘till ya have a taste of our family specialty,” AJ said, “you’re definitely gonna love it!”
“Does it contain apples?” Pinkie asked, though she already knew the answer.
“Of course! It’s what we’re know for.”
“AJ, AJ!!!”
The sudden panicky shout came from Big Macintosh, who was sprinting towards the duo like the devil was on his tail. He looked more than just a little distressed.
“What’s up, Big Mac?” she asked suspiciously.
“It’s a code red!” he said.
Applejack’s eyes went wide. “What?! Are ya sure it ain’t another fluke?” she exclaimed.
“Eeyup, Ah’m sure. Our guards have seen ‘em just outside Sweet Apple Acres headin’ this way. There’s a lot of ‘em.”
“Aww fuck me! They sure as hell picked a great time ta show up,” she grumbled. “We better get goin’. Big Mac, sound the alarm and get everypony ya can get. You know what ta do after that!”
“On it!” he said, and galloped off.
Pinkie was spectating the conversation, but she had no idea what was going on. “What’s happening?” she asked confused. “Is it “them”?”
“It sure as sugar is,” AJ answered, all hyped up. Then, she got an idea. She turned to the pink filly with a certain look of seriousness on her face. “Pinkie, I have another job for ya. If you do it, I’ll pay ya big time, and I mean big time!”
“Another job?” she said doubtfully.
“There’s no time, will ya do it or not?” she pushed on.
“Okay, I’ll do it! What do I do?”
“Come with me, hurry!”
Applejack and Pinkie raced to the back of the barn. Meanwhile, the tension was quickly rising. A horde of pumped up ponies came from the residence and stormed down the dirt road. What was most unsettling was that they were armed. Pinkie already started to regret that she took the offer. Behind the barn was a rusty old shack. After fiddling with the lock, AJ opened the door. She went inside and stated rummaging through some boxes.
“I’m gonna give ya one from mah own private collection. Ah sure hope ya know how ta use it.”
Before she could even reply, AJ pushed a big gun into Pinkie’s hooves. An Ak-47 no less.
“A g-g-g-gun?” she yelped. “You want me to fire this?!”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Nah, we’re gonna do a photo shoot. Of course I want ya ta fire it!”
“B-but I’ve never fired a gun before!” Pinkie protested.
“There’s a first time for everythin’, ain’t it?” AJ winked. “Strap yerself in, pardner, cuz we’re in for one helluva ride!”
While Applejack was gearing up with some more guns, Pinkie held the firearm in her hooves with pure anxiety. “Oh boy…,” she gulped nervously.
“Don’t worry ‘bout it, Pinkie. Just remember ta take cover.”
“I’m going to die, aren’t it?” she weeped.
“Not on my watch you ain’t,” she said while strapping up an additional shotgun holster. “In case ya didn’t know, I’m a professional gunslinger. It runs in the family ya might say. You just stay low and shoot everythin’ that moves except for us of course. Dontcha’ll worry now, ah got yer back.”
“So, what are we shooting at exactly?” she asked.
“I’ll explain on our way over there,” a now armed to the teeth Applejack said. She now had two double barrel shotguns strapped to her hips, two revolvers around her chest and an ak-47 on her back. Also, she wore a belt with some grenades. “Ya ready? It’s time ta boogie!”

Not much later, Pinkie and Applejack were sprinting down the dirt road running through the huge apple tree orchard. So far, Pinkie had been completely left in the dark about the whole situation, so AJ gave some much needed explanation.
“Alright, so here’s what we’re dealin’ with. We’ve been havin’ a whole lotta trouble the last few years with these guys. A buncha tree huggers, hippies that only bathe like once a month if yer lucky.”
“Hippies?! But aren’t they supposed to be peaceful? Why are they attacking you?” Pinkie inquired confused.
“Some jibber-jabber ‘bout how everythin’ provided by nature should be free to everypony or somethin’. They don’t fancy us makin’ a business outta natural products, buncha self-righteous extremist bastards. So they reckon they can just take our apples and divide em between all their tree huggin’ friends. We used ta just chase em off with shovels an’ pitchforks, but they’ve become a bit more aggressive overtime.”
“So basically, they’re stealing your apples because they think it’s wrong to make a business out of nature, and because they’re hippies, they are against the consumer society and just want everything for free.”
“Well, yeah, pretty much, ah guess.”
“Why don’t you call the police then?” Pinkie asked.
“We tried, believe me, but the Paradise Police just don’t give a shit bout anythin’. Besides, us country folks prefer ta take matters into our own hooves. And Ah’ll be damned if ah let these fuckers flush Sweet Apple Acres down the toilet. Over mah dead body, ya hear?”
“I still got a bad feeling about this…,” Pinkie said anxiously.

A little later still, the duo arrived at the stronghold. A dozen or so of armed members of the apple family stood in a defensive pose, though they appeared to be idle. Pinkie looked around. Everypony seemed to be here, except for Big Macintosh. She wondered what took him so long. A young colt with a light brown coating and dark brown mane emerged from the restless crowd.
“Caramel,” Applejack said to him, “what’s goin’ on? Aren’t they here yet?”
“They are,” he said with a look of seriousness on his face, “but the leader wants to talk with ya!”
“Oh, good gravy,” she sighed. “This is gonna be good.”
The crowd was so tense you could hear a needle drop, as Applejack made her way to the front line. Everypony stared intensely at the enemies, which were quite large in numbers. A whole legion of deadbeat misfits; long, unwashed manes, some wearing rose coloured glasses or colourful shirts that had the peace sign on it. The leader was a putrid yellow coated earth pony with a brown mane and tail. His cutie mark was obstructed by some dirty, ripped pants.
“What do ya want? If ya don’t have anythin’ good ta say, we’d prefer ya to leave this place before some of you ponies get yerself hurt,” Applejack said angrily.
“We don’t wanna use violence, man,” the leader said, “but we can’t stand around and watch you making money over what mother nature has provided for us. These apples belong to everypony, so surrender them!”
His speech was received with loud cheering from his crew. “Yeah, far out dude!”
“Oh, fer fuck’s sake,” AJ said while facehooving. “Now listen here, ya filthy germ bags! These apples are bein’ sold fer reasonable prices on the market, which sustains the economy of this shitty town, which in turn allows y’all ta masturbate and smoke pot in yer dirty rooms, whinin’ about how horrible the economy is in the first place, without havin’ ta worry about it goin’ down the shitter! On top of that, it brings food on the table for mah family, so this is our bread an’ butter yer fuckin’ with. How many times do ah have ta tell ya?”
“Ooh, she has a good point there,” Pinkie said to herself.
“We don’t care, dude!” he retorted, “we fight for mother nature, and we’re not backing off for you hicks!”
“Dumb as a sack of potatoes, these folks,” AJ mumbled.
“We’ll warn you one last time, hand over our apples, or face the conseque-“
His speech was suddenly cut short when, after a deafening blast, his whole body was perforated by countless orbs of hail. Blood splashed all around and his body was launched backwards. He landed on the middle of the dirt road, red liquid squirting out of the many holes and a puddle started to form underneath him. All the hippies’ eyes went wide. Pinkie gasped in shock. Applejack stood, holding the still smoking shotgun in her hooves with a smirk on her face. She brought her hoof to her ear.
“What’s that, sugarcube? Ah can’t hear ya over the sound of mah gun!”
It stayed eerily quiet for a little while, until the massive uproar started.
“She…she killed him!” one of them screamed.
“That’s it! Attack!”
“Yee-haw!” Applejack cheered. “Get ready, fillies and gentlecolts, this is about ta get intense! Let’s rock an’ roll!”
Oh Pinkie Pie, what have you gotten yourself into now…