Oh, The Ways I Can Wonder...
My body feels numb. Like, pins and needles sticking themselves three inches beneath my skin. I can feel them, frigid and cold in my flesh, digging deeper and deeper with each prick.
My head's not doing any better, of course. It feels like my brain's reduced to mush, and it's currently draining itself through my ear at this very moment. It makes me feel disoriented. Those pins and needles continue to bombard me with their ice cold touch, and my lifeless body just lays there as I run over my thoughts.
Above me, dimmed by my half closed eyes is the crystal blue sky. Maybe not entirely clear. There're a few blotches of puffy white here and there, but not totally congesting the beautiful blue skyline.
It makes me feel relieved. I'm glad that there's something there, and that I'm not just floating aimlessly in the bottomless void. It's nice.
All around me, I hear the incoherent words of little children playing ball, or having fun. They're laughing, shouting, screaming. It makes me feel... left out.
Somehow, in this environment, it feels as if I have nothing waiting for me when I retire for the day. That is, if I ever do. As of right now, I've got no idea how I'm going to make it back home. Surely, it isn't too far from my hometown in irrelevantsville.
If you know me, you know that I live in the low country. Everyone knows everyone there, and no one's a stranger. Though, I can't quite remember if there're many children where I live.
...Or... there aren't.
Not any besides my little cousin, and unless she has friends over(which is highly unlikely), then...
I'm somewhere else right now. Nowhere near where I live. If I'm lucky, it'll be somewhere in the state.
Mustering all the energy I possibly can, I sit up, feeling the grass under my oddly numb hands as I scan over my surroundings. The children's sounds haven't disappeared at all, and in fact, when I regain my bearings, I can tell they're adjacent to my current position.
Dancing around...
Playing...
All of this on four legs.
As I gaze upon them some more, making sure that I'm actually seeing what I'm seeing, I find out that there're three technicolor horses dancing around and bouncing a huge beach ball between the three of them.
Of course I don't believe what I'm seeing, so I stand up. Oddly, getting off of my haunches is harder than expected, considering that I can barely feel my hands.
No, they just... they're gone. Replaced by fuzzy, grey stubs that sit at the end of each of my arms.
I look behind me. Everything else going on is completely going over my head. I stretch out my back legs to get a better view, and apparently, they're no different than my front side. Strangely, everything's been so bright. No wonder why I can barely keep my eyes open right now.
I can't rightly adjust my eyes, meaning I can't move them. Oddly enough, though, I don't have to turn my head to see a variety of the things going on around me. It helps a little that I'm looking directly at the fillies so I don't have to turn at all. Or so I think.
Standing isn't a huge problem. Back when I had two legs, I've always complained to my dog about how she has four legs, and I didn't. I wonder what she'd say to me now that I'm... just like her.
Anyway, back to this new feeling.
My head feels heavy, and I can't properly balance it out. It feels like there're two strings tugging at my ears from the sides, or something. As for my head, it feels like something's just sprouted out of both sides. Like someone shoved two diamond-encrusted daggers upward through my jaw, and they came up through my head. A third one would lie at the front, causing my head an immense amount of pain.
I definitely know now that a headache is going to make the situation way worse than it already is.
The three little... fillies? Sorry, the three little fillies playing seem pretty unbothered, so I know that whatever this is is... normal.
At this point, I don't even think I'm home anymore. Wherever I am, I'm a completely different entity, with a completely different body in a completely different place.
The thought of it is just sickening.
I barely remember anything from before, but I know that I miss... I miss my home. My mom, my grandma, my sister, all of them. I just wish I could've finished spending time with them.
The only thing keeping me from tear shed is realization. I recognize those three fillies, though I never acknowledge them often.
One's an orange-coated pegasus with small wings and light purple hair, and violet eyes. She's playing beside a discarded helmet and scooter, both pushed aside so that she has enough room to prance the way she is. The next is a plain, yellow-coated filly, her mane a bouncy, cherry red. Her eyes are an orange-red, and she has a hot pink bow tied to her mane in the back.
The third filly has a bright, beautiful white coat, and she's a unicorn, too. Her eyes are lime green, and her mane is light pink and a lavender purple.
I know each of their identities, and knowing that much lets me know where I really am.
Still, just in case, I look around some more, turning my head to further see my surroundings. No, nothing different. Pastel ponies prancing around with each other are all I can see. They're all having fun, either talking or playing with each other without a care in the world. It... it really hurts to see so much of that when it's the only thing I can see. Especially if it's something I've taken for granted when I was... when I was home.
Not knowing where you are in a certain area is one thing, but not knowing who you are with a completely different identity, in a completely different world just hits different, and it hits hard.
I feel like I'll never see my friends again. The one's I've talked to each and every day, or, the one's I've planned to meet up with eventually. If I'm correct, then... then I'll never see them again.
I'm in public, and if there's one thing my sister has taught me, it's that I shouldn't cry in front of others. Not unless they're my mom, or someone like her. I suck it up for now.
When I try to breathe in through my nose, it already feels like something's pinching my nostrils tight together. I can't breathe through my nose right now, and it catches me so off guard that I fall over trying to breathe.
Miraculously, I remember that I can also breathe through my mouth. I'm sure I'm looking like a total buffoon right now.
"Hey, are you alright? You've been lying there for hours. Headmare Twilight sent me down to check on you."
I turn my head to look behind me. Turns out, I'm getting the hang of this eye thing.
Behind me is a smaller, shorter, light cerulean... light cerulean changeling with a pink, gossamer mane and red, pink spotted elytra. Her eyes are turquoise and shining brightly behind. Her tail's just the same as her mane. She's got one, singular horn protruding like a spike from her forehead.
Right away, I know who she is. The one thing I'm wondering is why I may or may not be in the School of Friendship's courtyard.
Yeah, everything's beginning to click, now. I realize that this is the one place some dream of visiting, whether their lives can be in the middle of h- ahem, Tartarus, or they're just having the best time ever all throughout.
I just happen to be the one person in the middle.
Yeah, good things happen. Bad things do, too, but... but I just can't help but feel depressed most times. Most of my friends I was either dragged away from to move somewhere else, or I just never had any. That's why I always turned to my technology, and... and food.
People love to eat, yes, but most aren't the most comfortable with their bodies. No, not even me.
The reason why I turned to writing the most was that I could always feel comfortable in my own skin. I didn't have to deal with being ashamed with how I look. That's why when I wrote myself in different skins, I felt even better. I could change myself, my appearance. It made me feel better about myself.
Only one did I identify with the most.
And it was this one.
"Hello," Ocellus repeats again, "I hope you're okay. You're just... standing there."
I can tell she's a bit unnerved at me staring at her, so I turn to face her head on. She steps back a little, so I assume that I'm a little too close for comfort.
She stares up at me some more. I remember my mom always telling me to speak when I meet someone and not just stand there like a socially awkward spaz. I blink rapidly to adjust to the changeling's bright colors, then open my mouth and say, "My apologies."
My voice is deep and soft, and somehow, even when I hear it on my own I'm able to be at peace. Just a little. Ten minutes with this new body and I'm already gravitating toward it.
I see Ocellus arch a brow, tilting her head to the side. "It's okay. I just saw you laying here in the courtyard, and, well, everyone was starting to freak out."
So, now, I know that I've been lying here for a few. Again, I'm really disoriented, so it's going to be hard to keep myself together. Still, that doesn't give me the right to be rude, or freak out. Instead, I'll try my best to explain my current situation. I sigh, pivoting my hooves to start pacing back and forth. I'm decent at thinking on my feet, but it's definitely better to keep my mind running. "There's only two words to explain this without breaking down: I'm lost. I have no idea how I got here, but whatever way it happened, I know I don't belong."
"...D-Did you hit your head, or something?"
Yeah, I know. I sound completely crazy by the way this creature is phrasing it.
I understand her confusion, so I turn around one last time to face her head on. She has a small frown on her face, and already my expression is matching her's. "It feels like it. All I know is that I'm completely different from the way I was before."
"It feels like you're insane."
Okay, now I'm frustrated.
I furl my brow to match my expression with how I'm feeling. My eyes turn glowering with a scorching glare down at Ocellus. She stares back at me, her brow furling nearly in time with mine. I'm extra annoyed with her right now, but I know it's no use trying to yell at someone I've barely socialized with yet.
I can tell how she's feeling, too. Probably just as frustrated and annoyed with me as I am with her.
We stare at each other longer than I would be comfortable with, but I don't say a word. Neither does she. We glare off into each other's eyes for much longer as we battle with fierce telepathy.
Then, her look softens. She sighs, "I'm sorry. I'm not usually this... glare-y."
My expression fades as well, and I begin to regret the icy glare I was shooting her before. I watch as she bows her head forward, looking up at me, still. "My name is Ocellus," she continues with a small smile, bringing her head back up. "And I thought I was the only changeling here."
For a time, I look uncertain.
"...changeling?"
I realize I sound a bit stupid repeating her. If there's one alternate personality I put on, it's a changeling. I mean, what's the one creature facade I tend to hide behind?
True, the one changeling character I've created for myself is, well, the only one. It's accurate to the way I'm feeling, or the pain I'm experiencing. Still, I haven't coherently worked out his design, so my final thoughts may have worked themselves out for me.
My changeling persona has three dark grey-into white horns; two on the sides of his head, and one in the front. He has a black carapace with three of those white gemstone-like things in the front that I can never get the name of.
The rest of his chitin is a light grey as well, but his wings contrast with a dimmed, midnight blue. His elytra are blackish blue in the like, and he has a curly, sparkly gossamer mane with the same color. The places where his mane's supposed to be on the sides of his head are shaved, but the rest of his mane in the back is pulled up into a man bun.
I make a face.
Yes, a man bun. It's a nice style, okay?
Still, I realize that it's what I must look like, and there's only one name I have for this persona. I know him well, since I've been designing him for weeks.
I am him, and he is me.
My name is Oculus.
Now that I've grown to adapt more into this new identity, I can now identify... better with it. Like I'm being a better me. I'm shaping into some sort of new mold I've been placed in.
I like this new mold.
"Yeah," I say, finished sparking my inner creator. I look down at Ocellus with my compound eyes. "I thought you were, too."
She looks even more weirded out than ever before, like- like I'm some sort of alien creature in a crowd of normal people. Well, in this case, it feels entirely the opposite. She smiles kindly on the contrary to her previous expression. "Whoever you are, or, wherever you came from, I hope I can help you feel at least somewhat normal, even if I may not understand your current situation."
I nod, my lips replicating her smile. "My name's Oculus."
Immediately, she freezes, looking puzzled as ever as she puts a hoof to her chin. "That's pretty peculiar. That name sounds oddly similar to mine," she giggles, completely offsetting the mood she was almost setting.
I only chuckle and pretend as if I didn't chose that name myself. On purpose.
Already, I'm feeling more comfortable in this place, too. There seems to be one person that's already beginning to understand me.
"It's Saturday, so school's out for the weekend. After I'm done hanging out with my friends, you can talk to me about what's going on with you."
That sounds like something I can agree with, so I nod again. After all, Ocellus seems to be the only one I feel like talking to. I never counted on how much of an introvert I actually am, so I guess I really wouldn't feel like talking to anyone else right now.
"Great," she chirps. "I'll make sure to save you some chamomile tea."
