That sneaky, sneaky lowercase gumbo
Applejack sat rigid in her stone chair, nervous and jittery. Every time the door opened and another of Twilight’s friends entered, she gave a little jolt. Already seated around the circular table inside Twilight Sparkle’s castle sat Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie—all acting nearly the same as Applejack—nervous and without much eye contact. Besides Pinkie Pie, obviously.
They had all been summoned there for the same reason.
Before each of them lay the same thick and heavy book.
The first official book written by none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Rarity was the last to join the group, poking her head inside the room before exhaling. “Good. You’re all here already. Did… did any of you, umm.” She let the sentence dangle while she made a sour face. “Did any of you actually finish it?”
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy shook their heads. Fluttershy more regretfully.
Applejack raised a hoof. “I did. Barely. Was up most of last week finishing off those last hundred pages or so.”
Sighing in relief, Rarity joined her friends and took a seat, plopping her own copy of Twilight’s book down onto the table. She thought she heard the tabletop crack underneath. “Thank Celestia at least two of us managed it. I know Twilight would just be devastated if not a single one of us saw it to the end.”
“You two actually stayed awake the whole time?” Rainbow Dash asked. “I was out like a light after thirty pages! I mean… thirty pages and not a single fight scene? Is that even legal? And what was up with Twilight describing that one random tree for so long? It’s like… I know what a tree looks like, Twi! Move on already!”
Rarity stared ahead of her as if staring into a dark void. “It was difficult, Rainbow Dash. No doubt about it. Reading five-hundred pages of the thickest text imaginable in three weeks… I had to give myself rewards just to get it all done. Read twenty pages: get a short nap. Read twenty more pages: get a single slice of bread. Finish a chapter then it’s finally time for water!” She paused. “Not a bad way to lose five pounds, though.”
Applejack gave Rarity a soft poke. “It’s over, Rarity. Twilight’s book can’t hurt you anymore. But you finished it, right? So… can you tell the rest of us how it ends?” She gave a weak smile.
Rarity gave one back in return. “I might’ve finished it, Applejack… but that doesn’t mean I understood more than five-percent of it. That ending especially.”
“But, Applejack,” Fluttershy started, “I thought you finished it, too. You couldn’t follow it, either?”
Applejack shook her head. “It was too darn complicated, I tell yeah, Fluttershy. Felt like every second paragraph, Twilight was introducing some new character. It got so bad, I started using sticky notes on my book to keep track of them all.” She lifted her heavy book for all to see. Crammed between the many pages were hundreds upon hundreds of colorful, little sticky notes, making the book appear as if it had contracted some sort of confetti virus. “The only problem was that half-way through, I ran out of sticky notes.”
“Didn’t the store have any more?” Fluttershy asked.
“The store ran out too!” Applejack lamented. “It felt like I was studying for some impossible test slogging through this thing! I’ve done algebra problems easier than this.”
Rarity tried her best to move the conversation along. “Pinkie, my dear. How did you fair out versus Twilight’s magnum opus?”
Pinkie giggled at that. “I finished it in no time.”
“Really? But how? Are you a speed reader or something?”
Pinkie then waved a hoof nonchalantly. “I just look at all the pictures when I read.”
Rarity deadpanned. “Twilight’s book had no pictures, Pinkie.”
“Duh. How do you think I got through it so fast?”
Fluttershy wrapped both forelegs around her chest to form a tight ball. “I tried to finish it. Really. But a week into reading it, Angel Bunny took it away from me and hid it. I only found it buried in the garden yesterday. Angel Bunny must’ve seen how anxious the book had been making me… so that means he was only trying to help, right?” She gave a faint shrug.
Following that, the other ponies in the room muttered under their breaths something to do with wishing their pets were as smart as Fluttershy’s. Then all noise in the room came to a halt as the doors rushed inwards again. And Twilight Sparkle arrived.
“Who wants celebratory cake?” Twilight happily asked the group, entering the room with a silver trolly complete with a chocolate cake and accompanying plates and utensils.
While Pinkie stood on her chair to visibly exclaim just how badly she wanted cake, the other four mares anxiously glanced from one to the other. Using her aura, Twilight cut Pinkie a slice and set it before her. The slice did not last long and a second one was presented.
Twilight stood at the head of the table, simple dainty smile in place. She clapped her hooves together energetically. “First off: thank you all so much for giving my little book a readthrough.”
“Little?” Rainbow Dash blurted softly.
Twilight heard none of that. “For being my test group, so to speak. But, honestly, I’m just too excited to wait any longer. So, with that said. Thoughts? Musings? Favorite parts? Suggestions to make it even better?”
Pinkie raised a hoof. “A glass of milk would definitely help this cake!” She was already on slice number four.
As she summoned Pinkie some milk, Twilight leisurely paced around the table, stopping behind the shellshocked Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow Dash—my good ol’ book buddy! What was your favorite part?”
“Oh, you know,” Rainbow Dash sputtered out. “It was all pretty good, you know? The entire thing. Yep. As if every single page was equal to the page that came before or after it. You know how that is. One perfect book, all the way through.”
Twilight raised a brow. “So not a single moment stood out above the rest?”
“The… ending?”
“Really?”
Rainbow Dash appeared like some condemned pony forced to choose how they’d like to be executed. She nodded as if accepting her chosen fate. “Sure. That.”
Twilight somewhat congratulated herself. “Well, I was quite pleased with the way the ending turned out—a lot of planning on my part, if I’m being honest. Was it Hayseed McMuffin’s final redemptive act that made you like the ending so much? Sure. The swordfight in space routine has been done to death, but… my book, my rules.”
Rainbow Dash visibly squirmed in her chair. “More the part where the book said ‘The End’. I always liked those parts, you know? So cool sounding. ‘The End!’ So final and everything. Excellent tombstone material there.”
“Okay,” Twilight said, narrowing her eyes. “Fair enough.” Then she quickly chose her next target. “Applejack! I know you always like your strong characters. Did any of my characters stick out to you? I know there were quite a few of them in there, but I’m sure one of them must’ve made an impression.”
As if struck by lightning, Applejack ripped open her book and began flipping through it frantically. A bead of her own sweat fell to a page and she stopped on it, reading off the sticky note that was pinned there. “I must say, Twilight, this here… Lord Crumblypants sure made a strong impression. What with the chin he had. And the clothes he wore. And the dialogue I’m sure he said.”
“Lord Crumblypants?” Twilight questioned rather seriously.
Applejack doubled down. She had no choice. “Yep. A real heroic-like character if I do say so myself.”
“I actually recall Lord Crumblypants burning down an orphanage just to collect the insurance money,” Twilight told her evenly, “all so he could use that very same money for his own nefarious small business, selling fake, unhelpful medicine to the sick and needy.”
Applejack blinked a single time while debating her answer. “Well, you do know how much I like to support small businesses, Twilight.”
Twilight just nodded and moved along. To Rarity now.
“Rarity! My fellow twist enthusiast! How did you like some of mine?” she asked with a newfound grin. “Pretty twisty, am I right?”
“Yes. Very,” Rarity answered curtly. “I thought they were… pretty ingenious, altogether.”
“But which twist was the most ingenious?”
All eyes in the room focused on Rarity. Rarity’s sight, meanwhile, focused on the stained-glass window directly in front of her across the room. She closed her eyes for a moment to try and recall some fragment from Twilight’s book. Finally, she thought she’d found one.
“When the new pony in town ended up being an alien from another planet!” she screamed out as if competing on some crazy trivia gameshow. “Yes! That twist!”
That statement got Rainbow Dash’s instant attention. “There were aliens in that book?”
That statement got Twilight’s instant attention.
“I mean…” Rainbow Dash restarted. “Of course there were aliens! How could I forget?”
Twilight smiled at Rarity gamely. “Close. But you didn’t actually get the whole twist, Rarity. Let me explain.”
Again, Rarity eyed up the stained-glass window before her; growing more tempting by the second.
“The alien in town was actually a clone of another alien…” Twilight continued.
“Uh-huh,” Rarity mumbled out emotionless.
“…an alien that disguised itself as a pony to befriend the mayor and…”
“Wow. Neat.”
“…and that other clone was part of a race of super beings from the planet Splorb…”
“Sure didn’t see that coming.”
“…and these aliens could only eat food that starts with the letter ‘S’, meaning…”
“I can’t take it anymore!”
Shoving herself from the table, Rarity darted forward and grabbed a nearby chair in her aura, hurling it against the stained-glass window she’d been viewing up. Next came Rarity herself, curling into a perfect white ball so she could lunge through the window. Only problem was that the chair hadn’t broken through the window. Hadn’t even left a mark, actually.
With a soft donk! Rarity bounced off the window and crumpled to the ground. It hadn’t hurt her all that much, honestly. It was more her pride that took the worst of it.
Twilight came to stand above the flattened mare. “Those are magically protected windows, Rarity. I thought you knew that. And I know that ‘fresh air does a pony good’ and all that, but we’re two stories up and you don’t have wings.”
“I know…” Rarity croaked out. “That’s why I scouted the outside of the castle before coming in. I’m sure your immaculate outdoor shrubberies would have been more than enough to break most of my fall.”
Closing her eyes and exhaling deeply, Twilight returned to the head of the table, her original glee upon entering the room nowhere to be found. “I’m getting the oddest feeling here that some of you didn’t finish my book.”
“I did, Twilight!”
Twilight turned to Pinkie Pie. “You did? You finished the whole thing?”
“I meant the cake! I finished it all and, let me tell you, what an adventure that was.” She playing patted her protruding pink belly. “The ending satisfying, yet sad.”
Twilight soured immediately. “So, you didn’t read any of it?”
“I read the title. But then I fell asleep.” Pinkie then grabbed her book off the table to read from the cover. “Seriously, Twi: The Ground That We Trot On Through a Forest Laid Bare: The Incantations of Machinations of Salutation into a World Of—”
Pinkie Pie only stopped reading because she’d nodded off.
“Pinkie!” Applejack yelled.
Pinkie snapped back. “See? The title did it to me again!”
Gingerly, Twilight tapped at her chin with a hoof. “Okay. No, that’s a fair point, Pinkie. Book titles are supposed to be snappy and straight to the point. And my title does make the cover art virtually useless given there’s no room for it.” She nodded. “Understood. Shorter title. Now we’re getting somewhere. What else?”
Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. “Shorter book?”
Twilight didn’t take that suggestion well. “This was the shorter book!”
“Five-hundred pages? You call that short?”
“I cut out nearly three-hundred pages!” Twilight took a deep breath. “Okay. You know what? I can work with that. I could simply take out a chunk and save it for the next book in the series.”
That statement made Fluttershy curl into a ball again. “A book series? As in… this isn’t the final book?”
“Not even close,” Twilight said. “This is only part four-out-of-eight.”
“But why start with part four? Why not part one?”
“Because of the simple twistiness of it all! Imagine when everypony gets to the part before this part and it all loops around and then eats itself! Ponies will have to go see their doctors to help get their jaws unstuck after dropping them so hard!”
Applejack removed her hat to gently fiddle with. “I’m sorry, Twilight, but I think you’re overestimating the average reader. I read your whole book. Cover to cover. And while the writing’s perfectly fine, it’s the story that just scrambles my brain into mush.” Pulling her copy of the book closer to her, she asked, “Like for instance, you got this character named Gumbo start the story all brave and heroic-like… then by the end of the story, he’s just a big ol’ jerk for no reason! Did I miss something here? Something I couldn’t understand?”
Twilight smirked at that. She spoke like some detective investigating a crime scene. “It’s all rather simple, my dear Ms. Jack. See the way ‘Gumbo’ is spelt before page three-hundred fourteen? How about after page three-hundred fourteen?”
Applejack compared the two, frowning. “G-U-M-B-O. Gumbo. It’s the same, Twilight!”
“Actually, if you look closer,” Twilight continued, clearly enjoying herself, “you’ll notice that after page three-hundred fourteen, every ‘Gumbo’ is now in all lowercase, where before the ‘G’ was always uppercase.”
“That’s not a typo, then?”
“Nope! Because on page three-hundred and fourteen, the character known as Gumbo is replaced by a changeling imposter! Thus, whenever he’s spoken about again, he is no longer ‘Gumbo’, but ‘gumbo’!”
“I don’t even remember him being replaced.”
“That’s because it’s not even in the book—thus making the attack all the more sneaky!”
Applejack huffed out angrily. “That’s not even fair, Twilight. How am I supposed to understand stuff that’s not even properly explained to me?”
Twilight shut her eyes as she told her, “Do not get testy with me, Applejack. It’s lowercase gumbo and his sneaky, sneaky ways that rightfully deserve your scorn.”
Rarity then interjected. Hesitantly. “I’ll probably regret asking you this, Twilight dear… but care to explain the map of Ponyville randomly near the middle of the book? As far as I know, your story doesn’t even take place in Ponyville.”
“That is no mere map, my friends,” Twilight said brightly. “It’s, in fact, a treasure map!”
“Leading to…?”
“A side-story connected to my book.”
Rarity planted her head onto the table; Twilight’s fat book more than cushioned the blow.
Twilight continued gamely, “I’m sure those that made it this far into my story were more than curious about what really happened to the lonely mare known as Peach Merrybottom during the Canterlot dance. Recall when she went to retrieve her coat and never came back? This side-story explains in all in thrilling detail. Short, too. A clean, crisp one-hundred and forty pages. You could probably finish it all while boiling an egg.” Twilight lowered closer to the floor and gave her voice an eerie edge. “Does Peach Merrybottom ever find her coat? Or does she instead find a portal through time so she instead finds her coat before it was even made! Only you can find out… by simply following my treasure map and bringing a handy shovel along. Make sure to stay hydrated while digging everypony!”
“Considering you seem to have an answer for everything, Twilight,” Applejack began, “care to explain the extra twenty blank pages at the back of the book?”
“Note paper, obviously,” Twilight replied earnestly. “Since I thought you’d all have a lot of thoughts on the book, you’d want space to write them down. But since very few of you even made it that far…” She turned her hard stare towards Rainbow Dash.
She merely shrugged back. “I turned those pages into a flipbook. Wanna see me fly through the clouds and then eat a hayburger?”
“I’ll regretfully pass.”
“I turned my pages into a pirate’s hat!” Pinkie said, suddenly wearing said paper hat.
“My pages got a tad… burnt.” Rarity awkwardly opened her copy of the book for all to see. Indeed, the last dozen or so blank pages had all been turned ashen.
Twilight’s jaw tightened. “You hated my book that much?”
“Oh, no! It’s nothing like that, Twilight!” Rarity begged. “But given how confusing certain parts were and the inclusion of the map, I started to think outside the box and thought maybe there’d be hidden words on those blank pages. I thought invisible ink could only be read by candlelight, so… I’m sure you could guess the rest.”
Twilight softened at the thought and said more to herself, “Invisible chapters. Hmm. I like it. That could fit into book seven rather nicely.”
Getting up from her chair, Applejack placed a gentle foreleg onto Twilight’s shoulder. “Sorry to get you down, sugar cube. I know it’s your first book and all… and the writing itself is good… it’s just the story—”
“Confusing and hard to follow?” Twilight interrupted. “Maybe a second read would do you all some good, because I know for a fact…” She paused, before yelling, “Spike! Could you join us for a moment?”
In a fraction of a second (almost as if he’d been standing right outside the door this whole time), Spike sluggishly strolled inside the room. Two things stood out at once about his appearance. One: his very bloodshot eyes. Two: the hundreds of sentences and notes that he’d written onto his body and even onto his wings in thick, black marker.
“Yes, Twilight!” he answered uncertainly. “Please not another rewrite! Anything but that!”
“Instead, a simple question,” Twilight informed him.
“O-okay.”
“Tell me about my book, Spike. Anything. Whatever stood out and made perfect sense to you.”
Spike gulped. “S-sure. Sure thing. No problem, Twilight. Let’s see here.” He then began scanning the many notes and words covering his entire body. He glanced at an arm. “Did you know that Judge Fudge was actually possessed by the ghost of his grandfather all along?” Then he reviewed a leg. “And that Stampede Strider only entered the deadly chariot race to get back at Professor Pompadour for bringing his arch enemy back to life with the illegal use of pistachios?” Finally, one of his outstretched wings gave him more valuable information. “Or that Princess Pinecone was actually a clone all along?”
One of Twilight’s eyes twitched. “Wait. That last part’s not right.”
Causing both of Spike’s eyes to twitch. “It’s not? Pinecone wasn’t a clone? Maybe I read that wrong. Maybe I…” He hurriedly glanced around the room, fixing his sight on the same window Rarity had tried escaping from earlier. Rarity shook her head at him. “I mean… what’s that smell?”
“I don’t smell anything, Spike,” Twilight said.
While her back was turned, Spike set a spare bit of parchment on fire with his breath. “Woah! Fire! I’d better put this thing out before doing anything else. Bye!” He then lunged for the door while exclaiming, “I’m also taking some vacation time for completely unrelated reasons!”
Finally getting the full picture, Twilight sat at her table and gingerly poked at her heavy book with a hoof. “Well, I guess there’s always next time. And perhaps I should’ve asked you all this from the very start, but… what do you all look for in a good book?”
Her friends then answered earnestly.
Fluttershy: “A happy ending.”
Rarity: “Dashing fashion, obviously.”
Rainbow Dash: “Fights! And lots of ‘em!”
Applejack: “Traditional, good honest storytelling. The hero’s journey. That sort of thing. And anything related to apples doesn’t hurt, either.”
Pinkie Pie: “Sandwiches!”
Many glares all around.
Pinkie only shrugged. “What? I thought we were ordering lunch.”
ONE WEEK LATER
Inside of Ponyville’s largest bookstore stood Shining Armor with baby Flurry Heart in tow. While Flurry busied herself reaching out for everything in sight, Shining meanwhile wrapped a reassuring foreleg over his younger sister’s shoulders. Sadly, it did little to sway her icy demeanor.
“Cheer up, Twily,” Shining began. “Your latest book already has over a thousand pre-orders!”
“I’m sure that’s just because ponies recognize my name.”
“And reviews have been decent. Haven’t they?”
“That’s only because I wrote a kid’s book!” Twilight snapped. “Thirty pages filled with pictures galore! No aliens! No clones! No time travel! So simple, it’s almost embarrassing.”
Shining rolled his eyes and brought her in closer. “Well, I know of one fan who likes your ‘embarrassing’ little book.” He turned to showcase Flurry on his back. Held tight to her chest was her very own copy of Twilight’s kid’s book. She nibbled on a corner of the book with gusto. “I read it to her three times last night. It’s a nice read, Twily. Honest.”
He then grabbed a fresh copy off a nearby shelf and read from it. “The Sandwich that Time Forgot. What a strange title, but a great story. Although, maybe next time tone down the hoof fights. This is for children, after all. But that part where the Princess tries on the dresses at the old apple farm and doesn’t find the right one until the last minute. That sure was fun. And then that happy ending where the Princess gets her sandwich back and finally eats it.” He paused. “That was a happy ending, right? That sandwich was supposed to get eaten, correct? Not sentient or anything?”
“Yes, Shining,” Twilight replied bluntly. “The only sandwich that talked was in my last book… which didn’t go over all that well, apparently.”
“I’m sure lots of parents and kids would dig a sequel to your kid’s book, Twily. Flurry Heart especially.”
The mention of her name made Flurry Heart squeeze Twilight’s book even closer to her chest.
That seemed to finally melt a bit of Twilight’s outward iciness. “Fine. Give me twenty-four hours and another food variety and I’ll see what I can do. Are pizzas hot right now? Not temperature wise, but—”
“Princess Twilight?” a random pony asked.
Twilight turned and found Ponyville’s local mailpony smiling at her. “Yes, Derpy?”
“Mind signing this?”
Twilight had already signed a few books earlier in the day. Another one wouldn’t—
Until Twilight saw what book Derpy was holding out to her.
“Is that a copy of The Ground That We Trot On, etc., etc., etc.?”
Derpy nodded happily. “I was the one that delivered all those copies to your friends. I know I wasn’t supposed to, but… I took a copy for myself and read it all the way through.”
“Oh?” Twilight was dumbfounded. But now more curious than ever. “And…? Boring? Confusing? Nonsensical?”
Derpy shook her head. “I loved it! I’m a big fan of twists and this book had more twists than a twirly-straw on a rollercoaster! True. I saw the ‘lowercase gumbo’ part coming before it did, but most of it caught me by surprise. I even got to loving your world so much, I wrote my thoughts on the blank back pages. That’s why they were there, right?”
Twilight’s face flushed. “Y-yep. Totally. But how did you—”
“I hope you don’t mind,” Derpy continued sheepishly, “but I’m in a book club of likeminded twist-lovers and I invited them along. Could you maybe sign a few more books? Maybe answer some fan questions? Like when the next part’s coming out?”
Twilight peered behind Derpy’s shoulders and found another dozen or so ponies with additional copies of her first book. All ponies in Derpy’s club had some sort of glasses. Half had facial hair.
Before signing any book, Twilight took a step back to fully appreciate the moment. She smirked to herself. “Alright, Derpy. If you really are such a fan… what becomes—”
“Of Peach Merrybottom’s coat?” Derpy answered, holding up a dirt-covered pile of pages. “Luckily for you, I already dug up the answers!”
Author's Note
Spike's next movie role.
