//-------------------------------------------------------//
                 Sunset Plays Superman 64                  
                  -by TheCloppyComedian-                   
//-------------------------------------------------------//
//-------------------------------------------------------//
                The One Where Sunset Rages                 
//-------------------------------------------------------//
The One Where Sunset Rages
Sunset Shimmer perused through the video game store, browsing through all the different titles and wondering just which she should select. She didn’t know what kind of a mood she was in. She thought about picking up another first-person shooter like Call of Duty, Doom, or something from the Wolfenstein franchise, but then she remembered that the last one she’d played had been rather degenerative when it came to the gameplay style and the control scheme had turned her off. She thought about getting a puzzle game, but decided against it. It was summer vacation and, as much as she enjoyed solving difficult scenarios, she needed a break from all the tedium that school had to offer. She thought about getting a game based on her favorite sport: baseball. But then she remembered that she had an XBOX One, and the only good baseball game was for the PS4.
Hm…what kind of game to buy? She asked herself as she flipped through the titles. Then, something caught her eye at the bottom of the bargain bin. She picked it up and noted that it was an old Nintendo 64 cartridge with a bright picture of Superman on the front. She smiled, as it seemed she had found what she was searching for. She knew of the legends surrounding this game, and how much reviewers had reviled and repulsed at its very existence. She knew of the terrible controls, awful graphics, and horrifyingly bad gameplay. But, at her core, she was something of a video game explorer. She’d never played the game before, despite owning its console, and the price was only 99 cents. Would she shell out less than a dollar for one of the worst games of all time?
“You’re gonna regret that,” a voice suddenly said over her shoulder.
She turned and her mouth nearly fell to the floor. There, clad in a t-shirt of Castlevania and sporting his trademark black glasses, was James Rolfe…also known as The Angry Video Game Nerd. She nearly dropped the cartridge as her mind whirled. She had loved this man’s form of crass, crude comedy ever since she had come to this world from Equestria. She adored how he shrieked and swore at the games he played, because it made her feel a whole lot better when she rage quit something like Dark Souls, Bloodborne, or Cuphead. It made her feel like someone else was out there suffering along with her, doomed to spend eternity bound to those games that developers made with sneers and doses of cyanide.
“You…you’re…you’re…” She stammered.
“Yes, I’m the Nerd,” James replied, “and I see that you’ve picked up a real crock of shit, there.”
“I mean, I’d heard of how bad Superman 64 is,” Sunset said, “so I guess I was just curious.”
“Curiosity killed the cat,” James quoted, “and from the looks of things, it looks like it’s gonna kill your gaming experience as well. Seriously, kid. Take it from me: that thing is worse than dog diarrhea slathered over a hamburger drenched in pig’s vomit. It’s more fucked up than shit on a shingle coated in a thick layer of donkey cum.”
Sunset nearly laughed out loud at the profane, yet absolutely accurate description of the title. James was just as funny in person as he was on his videos. She’d seen his review of this title, and she remembered just how terrifying it was watching him play it. The game was so utterly beyond salvation that she needed to experience it. Some voice inside her made it plain that her life would not be complete unless she went through the same torturous experience that dozens of others had. So, she made her mind up. It was only 99 cents, after all.
“I’ll take this, please,” she told the cashier.
“Um…didn’t the Nerd himself try and talk you out of this?” The boy behind the counter asked.
“Yeah, he did, but I’m something of a gaming sadist,” Sunset confessed, “I just love to play games that are so legendarily terrible. I mean, I’ve played Big Rigs thirteen times.”
“It’s your life, I guess,” the boy said as he scanned the game and put it into a bag.
Sunset dropped a dollar on the counter and received her penny of change. Then, she walked out of the store, followed closely by the Nerd. He could do nothing but shake his head as the girl walked off towards her car. He noted that she was a rather cute young thing, but her innocence would be completely spoiled by that game. It transcended the pits of vileness and dove straight into the fiery depths of a hell in which not many gamers climbed back out of. He himself had experienced this evil, only he had managed to vanquish its demonic power. Now, he saw another gamer get wrapped up in its terrifying allure.
“Miss! Wait!” He called as he dashed after her, “listen to me, you CANNOT play that game. It’s more satanic than Behemoth, more vile than a Kardashian, more-“
“I get it, Nerd,” Sunset said, “it’s a bad game. I know how bad it is. But…”
“But what?”
“Well, I just can’t help myself. I need to experience its terrible and traumatic gameplay.”
“Well, alright, just…allow me to help guide you. This is bound to be something that will scar you for life.”
“Okay,” Sunset said, “if you’ll follow me back to my apartment, we can play it together…”
So it was that the Nerd and Sunset arrived back at her third floor dwelling and sat down on her red couch. She popped the cartridge into her Nintendo 64, and the two settled in to play. The title screen flashed by, and then Lex Luthor appeared and told Superman that he had a test for him to pass. This test was: flying through a bunch of rings. Sunset rolled her eyes at this. She knew it was coming, yet she could not believe that the developers would have been that uncreative with their premise.
Then…she attempted to fly. She found that the control scheme was so far down its own throat, it was completely unrepairable. She felt the same rage that so many people had experienced before her begin rising within. Her blood started to boil as she had to restart the level over and over and over again. Through it all, James encouraged her, trying desperately to make her see just how bad of a game it was and get her to either return it or destroy it.
“Come on, Sunset!” He said as her character died once again, “this is the tenth time on this one fucking level!”
“No, no,” Sunset said, “I’m gonna make it through!”
She tried…and tried…and tried again. The problem was that the controls made turning almost impossible. Since that was the case, hitting all the rings was a complete impossibility. Those circles of hell became monstrous in Sunset’s eyes, and she burned with a hatred she never thought she could feel. She suddenly despised all kinds of rings. She never wanted to eat another onion ring, see the movie “The Ring,” or wear a wedding ring. Oh, she would get married alright, she just wouldn’t wear an actual band on her finger. Her hatred of rings reached to Saturn, as she developed an unhealthy obsession with destroying its circular formations of rock and ice.
“UGH! FUCK THESE RINGS!” She finally shouted as she slammed her controller down.
James simply nodded and waited for the inevitable.
“THIS GAME IS WORSE THAN HORSES SHITTING ON PLATES AND SERVING IT AT A FINE DINING RESTAURANT!” Sunset screamed, “THIS IS MORE FUCKING PUTRID THAN MAGGOT CHEESE! THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL WHEN IT COMES TO GAMING! HOW THE FUCKING FUCK COULD SOMEONE BE SO SADISTIC AND CRUEL?! WERE THEY SOME KIND OF SICK BASTARDS AND CREATED THIS PILE OF PUS-COVERED PARROT POOP JUST TO JUSTIFY THEIR OWN TORTUROUS FETISHES?! WERE THEY?! WERE THEY?!”
James could do nothing but smile. “You have learned well, my friend.”
“WELL…I’M NOT JUST GONNA SIT HERE WITH THIS GAME SHOVED UP MY ASS!” Sunset yelled, “THIS GAME IS GOING BYE-BYE!”
She yanked the cartridge out of the slot and proceeded to take a hammer to it. She smashed it beyond recognition, and then took the pieces and shoved them down the garbage disposal. Turning it on, she relished in the sound of all its little microchips and plastic parts being ground into dust. When she shut the machine off, she felt like she had vanquished a mighty foe, and she turned to see…nothing. The Nerd had vanished. But as she walked to the window and looked over the city, she knew he was out there somewhere. His encouragement in the ways of rage and controller breaking mayhem had created a new gamer out of her, and she could not thank him enough. Now, she had the tenacity and durability to take on any game. She could face them all.