The Littlest Mercenaries

by Jest

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Crossover
Length: 4466

Scout screws around with a teleporter and instead of losing a limb, he finds three colorful ponies staring back at him.

Scout screws around with a teleporter and instead of losing a limb, he finds three colorful ponies staring back at him.

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Published 2020-05-22 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-05-22 21:50:01 UTC

What Could Go Wrong?

“Toss me that teleporter would ya? I’m gonna see what happens when I make it teleport itself.” Exclaimed Scout with a boyish grin.

The man standing next to him paused just as he was reaching towards the teleporter in question. “You know lad, that doesn't seem like such a good idea now that I think about it.” Muttered the demoman.

“You were fine screwing with the rest of engi’s crap.” Stated Scout, extending a hand. “Just gimme that teleporter and we’ll have some real fun.”

“Haven't ya ever heard of dividin by zero?” The demoman questioned, taking a step forward and rapping his knuckles on the smaller man’s head. “Or did that last fight knock what's left of your brain straight out yer ears.”

Scout smacked his friend’s hand away. “Your being paranoid, it's not that bad. Besides, you can't tell me you aren't curious to see what happens.”

Tavish paused, and considered it for a moment before shaking his head. “Aye, I’m curious but I’m also curious about what it would be like to live to see tomorrow.”

“Just gimme that already.” Spat Jeremy, snatching the teleporter from his colleague's hand.

Who backed away, shaking his head. “Yer messin with stuff that you shouldn't be messin with laddie.”

“Pfft what do you know ya old wino?” Spat the scout, who turned back to the work bench.

Tavish spared the other man one final glance before shrugging, taking a swig from his bottle, and stumbling out of the shack. “Yer funeral.” He muttered.

Leaving behind a curious scout to rig the two teleporters to one another, haphazardly wiring them together with all the skill of a drunken electrician with two left hands.

“Heh, and the old grease monkey said this too complicated for me.” Scout chuckled. “Shows what he knows.”

With a satisfying click, the two teleporters began to whir softly each one spinning and emitting a soft glow. Scout grabbed the switch he had jury rigged into the teleporter, which was a mass of exposed wires and obvious safety violations.

“Alright then, time to answer the age old question.” Scout pushed the goggles he had stolen from the engineer’s toolbox in front of his eyes and smirked. “I wonder if I’ll get some kinda nobel prize for this. Maybe they’d give me engie’s job too.”

With a satisfied snicker, the man pressed the button, activating the teleporter and beginning his impromptu experiment. Only for the satisfying and instant snap hiss of the teleporter to not happen like it always did. Instead, the machine began to glow even brighter, sparks shooting from the sides as it hummed with life.

The scout stumbled back, dropping his switch. “Oh crap, maybe the cyclops was right. I hope I didn't create a black hole or something.”

The machine grew even louder, the spinning arms now so fast that they were invisible to the naked eye. Papers that had been left out on the bench ignited spontaneously, and an ear piercing whine made Scout clap his hands over the sides of his head. Stumbling backwards, the scout tripped on the entrance to the shed, falling on his backside and forcing him to look on in horror as the teleporter exploded.

Or at least it seemed like it had exploded, as a blinding flash of light emanated from the machine a second before smoke filled the confined space. Coughing, Scout leapt onto his feet and ran over to the nearby window, throwing it open and allowing the wind to clear the room of smoke. Peeling the goggles off his face, Jeremy tried to rub the stars out of his eyes while still coughing like that one time he stole spy’s cigars.

“I hope this stuff ain't broken or old hard hat is gonna throw a fit.” Muttered the scout, opening his eyes. “Woah, what the heck?”

After checking that the goggles werent still on his face, and that they werent pyro’s, the young man wiped his eyes and blinked, yet they were still there. Namely three colorful horses which sat atop the teleporter, their eyes rolling around in their head as they lay sprawled atop the machine. They all seemed equine, though one had white fur, a horn and purple mane while the next had wings, orange fur and a darker purple mane.

The last one was the first to gather her wits, and she stood slowly, shaking her long red mane. “Where the heck are we?” She muttered.

“Woah, I guess that scrumpy stuff is stronger than I thought.” Muttered the scout as he stared at the pastel colored ponies.

Upon hearing his voice, the red maned pony turned towards him and scurried backward, a fearful look in her eye. “W-what are you?” She asked.

“Would you quiet down, I got a splitting headache here.” Muttered the orange furred horse, who was massaging her temples with her forehooves.

“Good job Scootaloo, I knew trying to jump Sugarcube Corner was a bad idea.” Exclaimed the white furred horse, who was pressing her forehooves against her eyes and wincing in pain.

“G-g-girls. There's a monster in here!” Shouted the first horse.

“What, where? Don't tell me pyro is back already.” Exclaimed Scout fearfully, the man peeking out the corner of the window.

“Wait, what's a pyro and holy crap where the heck are we?” Muttered the orange furred horse who was looking around the room with wonder in her eyes.

“It looks like a shed of some kind.” Added the white furred horse, who raised an eyebrow when she saw Scout. “And that looks like the ugliest minotaur I’ve ever seen. Probably not a monster though cus it's wearing clothes and can talk.”

“Well I’m a he, thank you very much.” Exclaimed scout, who stood up and dusted himself off. “Yer my hallucinations after all, you might as well use the right pronoun or whatever.”

“Woah you were right, it does talk.” Muttered the orange furred one, placing a hoof against her chest before extending it. “I’m Scootaloo, and this is Sweetie Belle, and that is Apple Bloom.”

“What are you doin Scootaloo? That thing abducted us! You shouldn't be playing nice with it.” Hissed Apple Bloom.

“For a kidnapper he seems pretty surprised to see us.” Exclaimed Sweetie Belle, who stood up and began to dust herself off as well.

“Woah, your so tiny. This is wild. Usually my hallucinations are usually more messed up then this.” Muttered the scout, who walked over to the table and shook Scootaloo’s hoof. “Woah, it feels so real.”

“Of course were real.” Stated Scootaloo angrily.

Apple Bloom frowned. “I guess he does seem harmless enough.”

Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow as scout ran his fingers through her mane and marveled at her horn. “Doesn't seem like he's ever seen a pony before either. Where do you think we are?” She asked.

“Scout, I swear to all that is holy, if you and Tavish got into my equipment again I’ll-” Bellowed a voice a second before a wide eyed engineer appeared in the doorway of the shed. “Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. What in the heck did you do scout?”

“Wait, you can see them too?” Scout asked, gesturing to the three dog sized horses standing atop the man’s workbench.

“Of course I can see the three tiny horses. Now are you going to tell me how in the hell they got here and what you did to my prototype teleporter?” Engineer demanded, stomping into the room.

“Woah, is that guy like the lead ugly minotaur or something?” Asked Scootaloo.

Engineer paused mid stride, slowly pushed up his goggles and cleaned out his ears. “Pardon?” He muttered.

“I asked if you were the lead ugly minotaur dude.” Repeated Scootaloo. “What, is everyone around here dumb as a bag of hammers or something?”

“This guy sure seems to fit the bill.” Murmured Apple Bloom while scout poked her bow.

The older human shook his head. “I’m afraid scout here is a bit of an exception.” The engineer walked up to his colleague and smacked him on the back of the head. “Cut it out, they are real and look like they're just kids and yer freakin em out.”

Scout winced. “What, really? Huh, well now what? Cus I got a date with miss Pauleen in an hour which I can't miss.”

“You better send us back before my big sister grounds me for staying out late again.” Apple Bloom finished, the pony tapping her hoof impatiently. “Otherwise I’m going to be a real annoyed with ya.”

“Yeah, I got homework to do.” Added Sweetie Belle.

“And I got homework to ignore and T.V to watch.” Remarked Scootaloo with a smirk.

“Why are they here scout?” Engineer asked.

Scout rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “I may have been screwing around with your teleporters okay? It's no big deal though, you make like thirty of those things every day.”

The older man ran a hand down his face. “That teleporter was different from the others, it has a theoretically infinite connection distance and it was untested.”

“Oh, that explains the talking horses.” Scout muttered.

“Wait, so you did bring us here?” Scootaloo demanded.

“Thanks for that by the way, we were probably milliseconds away from getting turned into pony pancakes.” Added Sweetie Belle.

“Pfft you guys worry too much, I totally would have stuck the landing.” Scootaloo claimed, puffing out her chest.

“We were all airborne you dummy!” Apple Bloom shouted, smacking her friend upside the head.

Scootaloo tapped her forehooves together awkwardly. “So I may have temporarily lost my grip on the scooter, there was still time left to fix it though.”

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “Can you send us back or not mister?”

The engineer nodded. “I think I might be able to. Would need a few replacement parts though.” He picked up the burnt teleporter and sighed. “Might take a while though.”

“Great, that means you don't need me anymore.” Scout exclaimed while sneaking towards the exit. “I’ll just see myself out.”

“Oh no ya don't.” Declared the engineer, snagging the younger man’s shirt. “I’m gonna need you to get me the components I need. They should be scattered about the base here somewhere.”

“So what do ya need me to get for ya?” Scout asked reluctantly.

The engineer scratched his chin. “I need a pound of potassium nitrate. Demo should have what you need there. After that I need a jar of napalm from pyro, a few needles from medic, and a jar of piss. I think you know who has some of those lying around.”

“Do we uh really need all that stuff?” Asked scout, scratching his cheek.

“Yeah, why don't you just use your magic to zap us back?” Asked Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle smacked her friend. “They don't have horns ya dummy. They can't use magic.”

“Oh, right.” Muttered Scootaloo.

Engineer pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a sigh. “I’m going to pretend like I didn't hear that.”

“Alright then, be back in a flash.” Declared Scout, only to get caught by his collar. “What is now, old timer? Need me to reset your pacemaker while I’m here?”

The engineer rolled his eyes and sighed, jerking a thumb towards the three pastel colored ponies who were wandering around on his work bench. “Take those three with you. I can't work if I have to babysit as well.”

Scout sighed. “Do I have to?”

The tech savvy texan slowly raised his eyebrow in a surprisingly threatening manner, causing scout to shudder.

“Fine. Come on ponies, we got a job to do.” Scout muttered bitterly.

“And then you’ll send us home?” Asked Apple Bloom, who jumped from the bench to the floor with an audible clack of her hooves.

“Yeah but you better not slow me down.” Warned Scout.

“Pfft, like that will happen. I’m the fastest filly around.” Declared Scootaloo who glided off the bench.

“Just so long as we don't have to do anything dangerous.” Muttered Sweetie Belle who awkwardly lowered herself from the bench, only to fall on her butt.

“Oh you’ll be fine. It's not that dangerous around here.” Scout replied.

“I don't like the way you said that mister.” Remarked Apple Bloom pointedly.

Scout shrugged, and grabbed his bat from by the door. “Just keep an eye out for spies and we’ll be fine.”

“Wait, there are spies around here?” Scootaloo asked, eyes widening. “That is so cool.”

“I guess it is kinda cool.” Scout smirked. “Maybe this won't be so bad.”

“I take that back.” Muttered Scout as they crossed the battlements overlooking the gulch between the two forts.

“Sorry mister Scout, this place is really big and those stairs were huge.” Exclaimed Sweetie Belle between breaths, the filly laying draped over one of Scout’s shoulders.

“It's nothing, were here anyway.” Scout remarked before kneeling and placing Sweetie Belle on the ground. “Just stay here, I’ll be right back.”

“Daww, but don't you need us to watch your back in case of spies?” Scootaloo asked, lips pouting and eyes watering.

Scout hastily averted his gaze. “No way. That pout routine ain't workin on me. Just stay here. I can't let demo know that he was right otherwise I’ll never hear the end of it.”

Apple Bloom nodded. “Got it mister scout. We’ll watch the door.”

Scout rolled his eyes, and ignored the three ponies, slipping down the hall and toward a sliding metal door. “Alright, in and out, easy peasy.” Scout muttered to himself. “You got this Jeremy.”

Sliding open the door, scout slipped inside the dark room, prompting him to fumble for his lighter, suddenly quite glad that he had purchased one on impulse the weekend earlier. Flicking the gold plated zippo revealed that Scout had just made a terrible decision, as the flame he had just sparked was mere inches from a fuse. Which was in turn connected to a great big box of the things which also happened to be sitting on top of a literal powder keg.

Scout slowly moved the flame away from the fuse, or anything else that looked flammable for that matter. Looking around the room revealed that Demo lay face down on the floor, a bottle in one hand, and a second, slightly smaller one in the other. The rest of the area was as disheveled as ever, with random boxes of explosives having been dumped onto the floor.

“That was quick.” Muttered Scout as he looked over the sleeping demoman on the floor. “Right, what did the old hard hat need again? Potassium nitrous?”

Frowning to himself, Scout looked around and found that there were several containers that had the words potassium on them. Grabbing one of them at random the human tucked it into his bag before hopping over demoman’s inert form and made his way back to the door.

“I hope this is the right one.” He muttered to himself.

Slipping back out the way he came, he was surprised to see a familiar rubber clad pyromaniac sitting on the ground and juggling the three fillies scout was supposed to be looking after. Both the ponies, and pyro themself seemed to be enjoying this, as three of them giggled while pyro made their usual brand of muffled wheezing. Scout found himself temporarily taken aback at just how dexterous the pyromaniac was, and he silently wondered if they were any good at darts.

Shaking his head, scout stepped forward. “Yo pyro, don't suppose you got some napalm I could borrow, engi needs it to send these three home.”

Pyro gasped, swiftly caught all three of the fillies and hugged them against their chest, mumbling indignantly.

Sweetie Belle chuckled. “Well I like you too pyro, but we can't stay here forever.”

“Yeah, don't be sad. I’m sure we could visit.” Offered Apple Bloom.

“Wait, you can understand him?” Asked Scout, gesturing to the gas mask wearing individual sitting before him.

Pyro muttered something in a slightly less indignant manner and slowly released the three fillies.

Scootaloo patted pyro’s arm softly. “It's okay. I’m sure mister scout didn't mean that.”

“Didn't mean what?” Deadpanned Scout.

“They use they, or them pronouns.” Declared Sweetie Belle, who narrowed her eyes at the much taller Scout. “They are not a him.”

“Alright, alright.” Scout sighed. “Do ya got some napalm or not? It's important, I got a date to get to.”

Pyro nodded slowly, and reached towards one of the canister’s strapped to their back, unscrewing one of them and handing it to Scout.

Who tucked it into his bag. “Thanks. Well ponies, we better get moving to the doc’s place. I want to forget this ever happened as soon as possible.”

Pyro quickly stood, scooping up Sweetie Belle and plopping the filly on their head before following after the other human.

“Good thinking Pyro! You can come with us.” Scootaloo exclaimed happily.

Scout groaned, but reluctantly resisted the urge to argue with the tiny horses as something told him he wouldn't win no matter how hard he tried. “Fine, just hurry up already.” He mumbled.

Apple Bloom frowned as she trotted along next to Pyro. “Is he always this grumpy?”

Pyro shrugged and muttered something unintelligible.

Sweetie Belle giggled. “Yeah it does seem like that huh?”

Scout groaned again, this time even louder. “Next time I’m taking whatever advice demo gives. No matter how stupid it sounds.”

Scout’s eye twitched. “No I am not part pegasus. They aren't even real.”

“We are so.” Retorted Scootaloo from atop Pyro’s right shoulder.

“That's not what I meant.” Scout ran a hand down his face. “I just jump really good is all. Pyro just thinks I’m flying sometimes.”

Pyro made a muffled cuckoo sound while drawing invisible circles next to their right ear.

“I totally agree.” Added Apple Bloom who giggled.

Scout let out a cry of frustration and reached down before yanking the rolling metal door up into the ceiling, revealing the second resupply room. This one had been converted into a tiny hospital, unlike the last which was little more than a dumping ground for random stuff. Unlike the last supply room this one was well organized and clean, lacking any passed out drunk people at all.

Immediately all eyes settled on one of the operating tables which was occupied by a tall seated shirtless man sporting a pair of thin rimmed glasses.

Next to him stood an even taller, and much, much larger man who was awkwardly holding a stethoscope as if he had just been using it on the medic seated before him.

“Uh, the hell did I just walk into?” Scout exclaimed.

Medic coughed, and quickly donned his lab coat. “It vus nosing. I vus merely teaching heavy here how to use ze stethascope. Isn't zhat right heavy?”

The bear sized man nodded his head eagerly, blushing ever so slightly. “It is as the doctor said.”

Scootaloo cocked her head. “Are you sure that's what was goin on? Cus this kinda seems like that time I walked in on Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash when they were baking on the floor.”

“They were totally making out.” Added Apple Bloom.

“With their tongues and everything.” Muttered Sweetie Belle in disgust.

Pyro shuddered.

“I assure you zhat vus not vhut happened.” Medic declared, straightening his tie. “Now vhut do you vant Scout?”

“I show up with three magical talking horses and that's the first thing you ask me?” Replied Scout.

“Yes vhel I’m sure there vill be time for questions later.” Medic retorted.

Heavy nodded. “Da. Besides, tiny horses aren't even the craziest thing we’ve seen.”

“That whole thing with myassmis last halloween was kinda messed up.” Remarked Scout.

“His name was not-” Medic sighed. “Just tell me vhy you are here.”

“Oh yeah, we need a box of needles in order to send these walking toy commercials back to where they came from.” Scout declared.

Medic’s eyes narrowed. “Ze engineer needs needles?”

“It's for his super special teleporter thingy.” Exclaimed Sweetie Belle.

“Oh yeah and we apparently need someone’s pee too!” Added Scootaloo.

“Which I am so not carrying.” Muttered Apple Bloom while shuddering.

The medic nodded slowly in a strangely knowingly manner. “I have exactly vhat you need right here.”

Heavy stood there awkwardly, twiddling his thumbs while medic dug around in a supply closet.

The medic returned a moment later, a jar of needles in one hand and a jar of piss in the other. “Here, now go.” He declared, pointing to the door.

“Sure thing doc.” Scout remarked, tucking the jars into his now quite full bag.

Pyro whispered something to Scootaloo, prompting the filly to start laughing.

“Oh that's too funny. I bet he totally does wear the pants.” Scootaloo exclaimed.

“Vhait vhat vus zhat?” Medic asked.

Scout rolled his eyes. “Lets just go. We can tease these two love birds later.”

“But the doctor only has one bird.” Asked Heavy while scratching his head.

The medic’s face went red and he jabbed a finger at the door. “Out I say!”

Scout ducked as he ran out the door, the fillies and pyro close behind him. “I’m going. I’m going!” Cried the man as he dodged a bottle of peroxide which had been aimed at his head.

Pyro tucked the three fillies under their arms, shielding them from any potential attack as they ran up the stairs leading to the courtyard.

“Why is he so defensive? I thought they were cute.” Exclaimed Sweetie Belle incredulously.

Scootaloo nodded. “I totally ship it.”

Pyro mumbled a long explanation which Scout didn't catch a word of.

“Ahhh that makes sense.” Exclaimed Apple Bloom.

“Oh hey look, were back at the shack.” Remarked Sweetie Belle.

Pyro kneeled down and placed the three fillies back on the ground, mumbling their heart felt goodbye.

Scout didn't pay attention to any of it however, and merely threw open the door and stepped inside the shed. “I got the stuff you wanted, but I’ve already missed my date.” He shouted, dropping his bag on a nearby table.

The engineer looked up from his calculator. “Great work Scout.” He stated before sweeping the bag and its contents into a garbage can.

“What, but I thought you said you needed that stuff.” Scout exclaimed in shock.

The engineer chuckled and shook his head. “Nah, I just said all that to get you out of my hair for a few minutes.”

Scout ground his teeth together and crossed his arms over his chest. “Well did you at least get it done?”

“Sure did.” Declared the engineer, stepping to the side and revealing that he had welded two ends of the teleporter together, one suspended several feet over the other. “You didn't lose the horses did you?”

“Nah they were just saying goodbye to pyro and…” Scout raised an eyebrow as three teary eyed young ponies walked into the room. “What the heck is wrong with you three?”

Sweetie Belle sniffed, and wiped a tear from her eye. “Just saying goodbye to a friend.”

“Something you wouldn't understand mister meanie pants.” Added Scootaloo.

Scout sighed and kneeled down before the three ponies. “Look I’m sorry for being short with you. I had some stuff I wanted to do today but that is no excuse to be a dick head. Friends?”

Apple Bloom nodded. “Friends.”

Her and her friends all leapt onto Scout’s chest, hugging him tightly.

Scout tried to look annoyed, but it didn't take long for the ornery man to give up the facade and hug the three ponies back.

“Aww ain't you four just the cutest.” Exclaimed the engineer.

Scout stiffened and hastily stood up, placing the three ponies on top of the teleporter. “Hug time is over, time to go back to wherever the heck you came from.”

Sweetie Belle chuckled. “Someone isn't very secure in their masculinity.”

“Are you gonna send them back or what?” Scout replied, arms crossed over his chest.

The engineer shook his head slowly. “You know, we could sell em. Or let the doc cut em open. I bet we’d make a pretty penny either way.”

The three ponies and Scout all blanched.

“You wouldn't!” Shouted Scout.

“Oh so now you care all of a sudden.” Remarked the engineer with a knowing smirk.

“Hey not cool man!” Shouted Scootaloo.

The engineer chuckled. “Sorry you three, just had to tease our mutual friend a little.”

“Yeah yeah. Now send em back.” Scout smiled faintly. “I’m sure they got family to get back to.”

The engineer nodded. “Right you are. Goodbye girls.”

“Goodbye engie, goodbye scout!” Shouted Apple Bloom.

“Later slow poke.” Added Scootaloo with a smirk.

Apple Bloom nodded. “Thanks for takin care of us while we were here.”

“Your welcome Apple Bloom.” Replied Scout solemnly.

Seeing as how all the goodbyes had been said, the engineer activated the machine, causing the three fillies to vanish in a flash of light. Leaving behind an empty silence which hung over the two men like a cloud of smog.

“I’m gonna miss the little ankle biters.” Muttered Scout wistfully.

“Hey maybe Miss Pauling would be into havin kids one day.” Exclaimed the engineer hopefully.

Scout sighed. “That's if she even gets me a chance after this.”

“You know what they say Scout. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.” Stated the engineer.

Scout smiled, his gaze lingering on the teleporter. “One can hope, good buddy. One can hope.”

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