Once again, Equestria had been saved.
And Twilight Sparkle, along with all of her friends, were the heroes of the hour!
Ponies from all around Ponyville, along with ponies from Canterlot, had captured the evil filly Cozy Glow after she had nearly managed to wipe out all magic in Equestria because she...wanted more friends on Fillybook...or something.
As everyone was patting each other on the back, Neighsay walked up to the Princess of Friendship with a smile on his face, flanked by the bigger princesses while the rest of the gang followed on their hooves. “Well, Princess Twilight, I must say that I am glad to have you back in charge of the school. This place is truly one of the finest institutions of learning in all of Equestria. Why, I don’t know what we would have done without your students that are giving themselves diplomas as we speak!” the unicorn said happily while Spike was burping out papers over in the corner as the students from a single class had on a collection of caps and gowns.
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”
The very loud and female voice of dissent made everyone blink in confusion. After looking around, the crowd pulled back between Twilight’s group and said mare. Everypony who was part of Twilight’s entourage looked on in surprise as the purple princess said what they were all thinking. “Ms Cheerilee?”
“That idiot and her stupid little indoctrination camp CAUSED THIS WHOLE BUCKING MESS!” the mulberry mare yelled as she pointed towards Twilight with a hoof. “And you’re actually letting her go on with this lunacy?”
The Princess of the Moon blinked and looked around. “Was that a jab at me? I feel like that was a jab at me.”
Celestia reached over and patted her sister on the back. “Don’t worry Luna, we’ll outlaw that word when we get home.”
Twilight put on her best smile. “Ms Cheerilee, perhaps you misheard. My student was the one who tried to steal the magic from Equestria. I was trying to fix things.”
“Yes!” Cheerilee agreed enthusiastically before she went back to frowning as Cozy Glow was hauled by on a cart, locked up in a giant bird cage. “But if you had actually done the job of a real teacher and given her an actual education, we wouldn’t have had to worry about any of this!” Then she turned to the white unicorn stallion. “Chancellor Neighsay, I am demanding this place undergo a full review, as it is not an institution of learning, but a danger to the whole bucking world!”
Her friendly demeanor quickly vanishing, Twilight frowned at the earth pony. “Cheerilee, I understand that you’re upset that everypony wants to go to my school instead of yours-”
“BECAUSE YOUR PLACE ISN’T A SCHOOL!” Cheerilee raged before Twilight could finish. “I’ve seen your classes. You don’t actually teach anything of academic value! Your entire curriculum is nothing but a sham run by shysters and unqualified idiots who don’t know the first thing about instructing students, much less any field of actual knowledge!”
All of Twilight’s friends frowned at the mare before moving up to support their friend. Being the earliest one there thanks to her ability to fly, Rainbow Dash spoke first. “Hey now wait a minute you-”
“SHUT IT YOU BUCKING HIGHSCHOOL DROPOUT, OR I’LL TELL THE WEATHER AUTHORITY THAT YOU’RE USING A FAKE CLOUD CARRYING LICENSE!” Cheerilee yelled.
To which Rainbow Dash responded by quickly dropping out of the air and putting her belly to the ground. “I’ll be good,” she squeaked.
Neighsay looked over to Princess Twilight with a raised eyebrow. “One of your teachers doesn’t even have a basic education?” he asked before looking at the others. “But certainly, all of your others are properly certified, correct?”
The question made Twilight blink. “Uh...certified?” she asked. “They’re experts in the Elements of Harmony. There’s not really a class on those things.”
“You do know there’s more to teaching than that, right?” Cheerilee deadpanned before trotting up closer. “Child psychology, basic organizational skills revolving around planning lessons, child development classes, CPR training...do you really want me to list all the things you need to learn that I bucking know not a single one of you or your minions has any clue about?”
Twilight frowned back at her. “Hey! These are my friends, not my minions.”
After just letting that hang in the air for a moment, Cheerilee raised an eyebrow. “Applejack, would you mind telling me your job?”
“Ah work on a farm, you know that,” the other earth pony answered, a mite confused.
“And how much work does that entail?” Cheerilee asked.
Once she got to thinking about it for a few seconds, the farm pony looked back at the mulberry mare. “Oh, Celestia! It’s like twenty-five hours a day, Ah tell ya what,” she said with a sad shake of her head.
"Then, why are you also part of Twilight's school?" she went on.
Applejack gave a friendly smile. "'Cause Twilight asked me to! And when a princess asks you ta do somethin' ya do it, end of story. No ifs ands or buts"
Cheerilee frowned. “Wait, just how the buck are you teaching classes from eight in the morning until four in the afternoon, planning lessons for the next day and-”
“Well shoot, Ah don’t plan nothin’!” Applejack said happily.
The happy admission got a look of alarm from Twilight. “WHAT?” she yelled before galloping over to her orange friend. “Applejack, you need to use lesson plans to help you keep your lessons focused on Honesty!”
Applejack gave her friend a shrug. “Well shoot, Twilight. Ah done taught them everythin’ Ah knew about being honest in the first two seconds of our first class,” she said before looking back at the group of students in their robes. “Here’s a quick review, don’t lie kids!”
“Yes professor!” the students replied happily before the yak among them spoke up. “Yona aced that final exam on the third day of class!”
“THEN WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TEACHING THEM ABOUT?” Twilight shrieked in a nervous panic as Neighsay started to tap his chin with a hoof.
Applejack thought about all of her lessons with dozens of students from throughout all of Equestria before she looked back at Twilight. “Apples.”
The changeling of the assembled species spoke up. “We learned about other things, Headmare Twilight.”
Silverstream flew up into the air and held up a talon. “Did you know that just being around oranges can cause cancer?”
When Twilight turned to glare at Applejack, the orange pony plopped her plot down and crossed her forelegs. “Granny told it to me when Ah was a filly. You callin’ mah Granny a liar?”
Rather than completely lose it, Twilight looked back at Cheerilee. “Okay...so, maybe Applejack isn’t the best example of...broadening young minds,” she admitted. “But-”
“HA!” Rainbow Dash said as she flew up and pointed a hoof at her rival teacher. “Told you that you should have just let them nap in your class! That’s what I do!”
Twilight spun and glared at the pegasus. “Rainbow! We’re trying to show how my institution of learning is a real school.”
After rolling her eyes, Rainbow crossed her forelegs while hovering in the air. “That is what ponies do in school these days, Twilight.”
Looking for some kind of salvation, the purple princess looked at the unicorn of the group. “Rarity, you teach your students about Generosity, right? I know you do! I’ve heard you yelling at-I mean, lecturing students through the walls!”
Rarity smiled at her friend. “Of course I do Twilight. They learn how to be generous every single day that they’re with me.”
“HA!” Twilight shouted victoriously as she turned to point a hoof a Cheerilee. “Applejack and Rainbow may be idiots, but Rarity is actually doing her job!”
“Hey!” the idiots objected.
Not put off in the slightest, Cheerilee looked over to the white unicorn. “Enlighten me, Professor Rarity. Just how do you teach your students about Generosity?”
Modestly blushing a little bit from all the attention, Rarity gave a little giggle. “Oh, it’s nothing much. I just have them generously help me fulfill any orders for my boutiques. I’ve got three of the things now, you know. I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the demand without some kind of help.”
“So you’re running a child sweatshop,” Cheerilee deadpanned before looking over to Fluttershy. “And you?”
Fluttershy pulled in on herself a little. “We pet cute little animals.”
Prompting Cheerilee’s follow question. “And that has to do with Kindness, how?”
“Look lady,” Fluttershy replied after getting a little peeved for being put on the spot. “I never asked to be a teacher, having to stand up in front of a bunch of self-important little brats all day. I had just gotten my animal sanctuary running when she came along and said, you’re a teacher Flutteshy. Now I’m overworked, yet somehow underpaid, and I have to deal with kids, recovering animals, and the occasional threat to our way of life. So hay, if you want to shut this place down, go for it!”
Pinkie Pie let out a snort and rolled her eyes. “Try all that with a commission-based job on top. Not. A. Party.”
“...wait, we’re supposta be gettin’ paid fer this?” Applejack asked.
With her dream of being just like Celestia crumbling before her eyes, she looked around wildly before finding her salvation. “Well...it’s not the process, or the ponies behind it, what really matters is the results!” Twilight declared. “And all of my students are just as smart as any filly in Cheerilee’s class.”
“Oh yeah?” Cheerilee asked with a raised eyebrow. “You really want to go there? Because, we’ll go there if you want to.”
Twilight frowned back at her. “Oh, I’ll go there. I’ll go there, and back again.”
After both of the mares glaring at each other for a moment, Cheerilee cleared her throat. “Oh, girls.”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders zipped up to the mulberry mare and spoke as one. “Yes, Ms Cheerilee?”
“Would you like to prove how my students are more than twice as smart as Twilight’s graduating class over there?” she asked brightly.
Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo looked at each other for a few seconds, then back to their teacher before the unicorn of the trio stepped forward. “Will you knock off the worst grade we had in class for this six weeks?”
“Deal.”
With her eye twitching again, Twilight pointed a hoof at the mare. “T-That’s academically dishonest!”
Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “Says the mare in charge of a school without a single licensed teacher,” she said before looking over at all of the friendship students. “Could you all come over here, please? And bring Cozy Glow, it wouldn’t be fair if it was just two against one.”
After a nod from Twilight, all of her students walked over and a guard pushed the cart Cozy Glow was in over to stand with them. While Twilight and Cheerilee stood in the middle, each group of students lined up side by side to flank them both.
“Now Twilight, let me just ask your students a simple question that even a foal of ten could answer and see if they can get it right,” she said. “Do you think that’s fair?”
Twilight thought over the question, trying to see if there was some sort of trap. Finding none, she nodded. “Okay, but I get to call shenanigans if the question is too hard.”
“Agreed,” Cheerilee said with a nod before looking to Twilight’s special class. “Now, after settling on an answer among yourselves, would you please tell me what would happen if the sun set and never rose again? You know, like what Cozy Glow caused to happen. And explain your answer, please.”
The Student Six plus Cozy, who was let out of her cage to join in a huddle, debated among themselves for several seconds that went on into minutes. There were several ideas that bounced back and fourth, but after about five minutes of debate, the seven of them broke the circle and Sandbar proudly took a step forward. “Everypony would end up sleeping in late.”
To which Silverstream added with a giggle. “Because the sun is usually what wakes me up and back when I lived underwater, it never shone through my windows like it does now. I used to sleep sooooo late back then.”
There was a pregnant pause, with all of the Student Six smiling brightly before Twilight let out a groan and put a hoof to her face.
“I told you it was, make me the Empress of Equestria!” Cozy Glow yelled in anger. “Why do you think I did it? For LAUGHS?”
“Girls,” Cheerilee said in a chipper tone. “Same question.”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders huddled together, and after a short debate, broke apart for Scootaloo to come forward. “We’d all die.”
The declaration made the Student Six gasp in alarm, while Cozy Glow flew into the air with her face in a panic. “WHAT? What do you mean? How in the hay is making the sun and moon go away supposed to kill everypony?”
Scootaloo raised an eyebrow. “No. All, as in every creature, moron.”
“Although, the actual how is still up for debate as far as we’re concerned,” Sweetie Belle said. “I think we’d all die from freezing to death in the growing cold of the empty night since we wouldn’t have the sun around to warm us.”
Then Applebloom pitched in. “Bu Ah’m thinkin’ we’d all starve to death first. Cause, ya know, all the plants would freeze, while we’d be able to sustain ourselves for a little while using some earth pony technology. Not even takin’ into account what kinda things we might develop pretty fast due to the need for survival.”
With the flaws in her plan pointed out to her, Cozy Glow hit the ground with a thud. “Oh...that’s um...well...when you put it like that…yeah...my bad. Does this count as being reformed?”
“Oh yeah, well...just how much do your students know about friendship, huh?” Twilight demanded. “Name one creature they befriended and changed into a better version of themselves by being a friend to and helping to grow as a pony!”
There was a slight disruption in the crowd as Diamond Tiara walked into view and looked around. “Hey, has anypony seen Silver Spoon?”
Twilight stomped her hoof. “Buck!”
After a few seconds of silence, Princess Celestia walked into the open space with her sister by her side. “Well, I think what we need to do is evident here,” she said before looking over to her sister. “Thousand years dungeon?”
Luna thought on it for a second, then nodded. “Thousand years dungeon!” she agreed happily.
“WHAT?” Twilight yelled before cowering a little. “Um...can’t we talk about this?”
Cheerilee looked from the little alicorn to the two bigger ones. “Um, Princess Celestia, don’t you think that’s a bit harsh? I just wanted Princess Twilight to either close down her school, or at least hire some properly trained staff to-” POP!
Everypony in the crowd blinked as Cheerilee disappeared in a flash of light.
“...huh?” went Twilight before looking back to the Princesses.
Celestia giggled at her student’s response. “Oh, Twilight! If we let our subjects question every stupid decision a Princess ever made, they’d be beating down our doors with pitchforks and torches within the day!”
“From this day forward, let all who mention the stupidity, unfairness and outright laziness of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s educational system be punished on pain of death!” Luna decreed in a joyous voice.
The entire crowed became tense, but let out a nervous cheer shortly afterwards when Luna glared at them.
“Now, let’s all go celebrate Twilight’s latest victory with some cake at sugar cube corner,” Princess Celestia told everypony. When they all started looking around nervously, her face turned stern as she added, “attendance is mandatory.”
Smolder flew up to get some attention from Celestia. “Uh, hold on a second. Weren’t we the ones who saved Equestria? How is it her win?”
After letting out a little giggle. “Oh, silly little dragon. Princesses get the credit for whatever their students do that’s good, and can point the hoof at them for anything that goes wrong,” Celestia told her. “Just ask Sunset Shimmer.”
“Now, let us all sweep this under the rug and move on!” Luna said.
As the crowd started to head off at a slow pace after throwing the foal back into her cage, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were left standing alone in their wake.
“So...what’s the moral here?” the pegasus asked as she looked over to the pink earth pony.
Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Heck if I know. I’ve only got degrees in chemistry, child psychology, a cordon blu ranking in pastries, an EMT certification just in case something goes wrong at a party, and hundreds of hours of personal experience dealing with foals.”
