Culture Shock

Things were getting better. Nick was finally starting to get used to everything. He might not have been a real social guy, but he was satisfied with himself that at least he was a long way from going full hikikomori. Far from it, he got stir crazy fast when he was cooped up. His imagination went to not-so-great places when he didn't let it explore outside.

He also hoped that ponies would get used to the sight of him if he was out and about often. Maybe? He hoped. In any case, it was better than going insane in that room.

He was getting to the point where he had explored most of the main areas of the palace. But it was only in the sense that he had been in places, walked though. He still didn't know what this room or that hall were used for.

What he really needed to do was ask for a proper tour. In a place this big that had to be a thing. He just didn't know who to ask. The only pony he knew by name was Princess Celestia, and she obviously had better things to do than give tours.

He didn't know what it was that all the ponies milling around were doing, but he started keeping an eye out for any that looked like they definitely worked there. It was hard, since he didn't know what he was looking for, but hey, he was trying. And if nothing else, that felt good. He was Doing Something, finding his own way through this world. Sure he was just doing it by figuring out how to start the tutorial, but still.

So he felt pretty silly when he saw a pair of guards standing outside a door. How the hell had he not noticed the ponies covered in shiny armor? There was no time to worry about that—he had to make his move before he started worrying about talking to them.

Nick approached the smaller of the two. "Uh, excuse me. Hey there. Do you know if they do tours of this place?"

The guard stood as straight and tall as they could. Nick was surprised to hear a deep voice from—apparently—him. "Um, yeah. If you go to the main entrance hall—do you know where that is?—there are some really nice ponies who—"

His partner came over, cutting him off. "Don't worry, Poley, I'll handle this." Her voice was distinctively feminine. "You want to head to the visitor's desk for that. Here, let me escort you." There was something off in her tone, but Nick couldn't tell what.

He was relieved for the escort, he didn't trust himself to remember directions all that way. The guard set off down the hallway and Nick followed her.

"They briefed all of us about you, you know," the guard said. She had slowed down to let him walk alongside her. She kept glancing over to him. There was something strange in her eyes. He didn't have any idea what it was, just that it seemed off. Which, of course, was ridiculous. He was the exact opposite of an expert on ponies and how they looked at each other. He didn't even know what it was that he was noticing, just that he was noticing something. "They didn't mention that you were so... exotic." She drew the word out, almost into a purr. Was she part cat? Could ponies be part cat? So many mysteries.

"Uh, yeah. I guess that makes sense. I mean, I was pretty normal where I came from, and then you guys were all just, whoa. You know?"

"It must be so scary being stuck in a new place like this. Don't worry, you're in good hooves, we'll take care of you."

They reached the main hall. Now that he was looking for it, the desk with a big sign reading "VISITORS" was clearly visible. More than that, it actively stuck out, looking plopped down amidst all the open space.

"Tada," his guide announced. "Aw, don't feel bad about not finding it yourself, honey, it's a big castle."

Nick stepped forward and went to the desk. the helpful but strange guard didn't follow, but he could feel her eyes on him.

That was forgotten soon enough. "Hello," the pony at the desk said, "my name is Guided Tour. What can I do for you?"

The horse-lady there—he was assuming it was a she from the voice—made him reconsider the 'strange' part. She also looked at him in that intense way. What did it mean? Did it mean anything?

Anyway, the important part was that he managed to get a real tour set up, with maps, and explanations, and backstories. It was great.

He was proud of himself, he actually recognized some of the rooms they went through. The things he learned were interesting too, he was getting so many ideas from it.

Then, in a less crowded section of corridor, Guided suddenly stopped and started waving. "Sweet, hey Sweet, over here!"

A light red pony answered her call, coming over to them. "H-hello," they said, glancing over and Nick, but focusing on Guided.

"Dang, am I glad to see you. I really need a little—" Guided trailed off, staring at Nick. "Hang on a second.

"Hey Nick," she said. "I've got some needs I gotta get taken care of. You're a cool guy, right? Can you do me a favor and not tell anypony I'm doing this in the middle of a tour?"

Nick then found out that he had been wrong, and his guide was, in fact, a dude. Very much so. Assumptions and guesses based on voice were one thing. But that penis was quite another.

Guided sat down with his back against the wall and his legs spread wide. Horse balls were big. And fuzzy. Nick had never wondered about that, but now he knew. He had wondered a little bit why he didn't see dicks swinging around under everyone, and that was answered as his stiffy emerged from some kind of pocket that guys apparently had. Horse dicks had a blunt, flat tip, and a ring bulging out partway down the shaft. They were the same color as their owners, even if that color was green. These were things Nick knew now, and could never forget.

He was blushing, his face felt incredibly hot, his palms were soaked. Yet he could not move. He couldn't run away like the previous times he had run into ponies being intimate. This was his guide after all. But he found himself unable to even look away or close his eyes.

His friend happily started slurping, no hesitation. An impressive number of inches disappeared into their mouth.

Nick honestly had no idea whether he was watching a gay blowjob or not. He didn't really care, he was just trying to think about something other than Guided's moan or the way he was pressing his hoof against the back of Sweet's head.

He could hear every wet slurp, see the drool running down the shaft. It was mesmerizing in a way. He wished he knew what that felt like. It was frustrating being a virgin.

His worries about decency and whether it was gay to stare at a dick like this evaporated. He focused all his attention on what was in front of him, trying to keep back the flood of thoughts about home. That word 'virginity' was a little thread sticking out of him, and if he pulled on it, it would bring along memories of the girls he knew, and his friends, and his family, and more and more until he completely unraveled.

A horse blowjob was not what he would have chosen but it was real, solid. It was something to keep him anchored. And so he let it fill his mind because it was the only thing that could at that moment. He fantasized about being part of the scene in front of him, not particularly worrying about which side that would be on, either was better than where he was sitting.

He had never paid too much attention to it in porn, but he could not ignore now all the details of a cock cumming. It twitched and pulsed.He could see Sweet gulping and moaning in satisfaction. Oh shit, if the dick was that big, how big was the load? Cum leaked through the seal of their lips.

"Whew!" Guided said, "I really needed that." He gave Sweet a few pats on the head. He released the petite pony from his crotch and stood up. "I tell ya, Sweet really knows how to handle a cock."

Nick nodded as he listened. This all may have been normal for Guided, as for himself there was a tension in the air. Maybe what he needed to do was try and push through to the other side? "Heh, Maybe I should take Sweet for a spin then." He tried to make himself look and sound like a guy who got his dick sucked a lot, whatever that was. He just felt kind of silly though. A feeling only intensified by Guided's reaction.

Guided practically flinched. "Whoa there. That's why you were looking at us like that? I thought you were a prude, not that kind of guy. Look, Sweet might be a slut, but he is not gay. Alright? I don't have anything against it, but just take that shit somewhere else."

"What!?" Nick said. "I didn't know that he was a he. I thought—hold on—what!?" He couldn't get any more words out. They all got jammed up in his throat. He covered his face with his hands. "Let's just forget about this and get on with the tour," he finally mumbled.

Nick needed a drink. He had never been much for bars, but he had still asked Guided and been told about the one he was sitting in.

That day alone would have been enough to drive him to drink, to say nothing of everything else. Mercifully for his liver, he hadn't had any place to get booze until now.

But it turned out there was a bar right on the castle grounds the whole time. All he had needed to do was ask.

He walked in, sat down, and ordered a beer. He felt as awkward as ever, but the funny thing was that he was kind of getting used to it. It had been so constant that he was beginning to just accept the feeling of everyone staring at him when he went into a room. Naturally, the feeling bothered him less still as the alcohol began to take hold.

He drank another pint.

Nick drank a fair bit but never quite stopped being thirsty. He hadn't been to many bars or taken much advantage of being twenty one.

The room swayed and his head spun. He felt great. Everybody was talking and chatting with each other, there was someone in the corner banging on a piano—how'd they even do that with hooves? But they made it work, good on them—it was some great noise. He felt alive, finally like a real man. No more of that moping crap for him. He was about to show ponyland who was boss.

He took a look around him. Sure, there were no human ladies, but that didn't matter. He slicked back his hair.

There was petite little pony with a light pink coat sitting near him. Now, he wasn't an expert on telling male and female ponies apart yet, but c'mon. This was an easy one.

He scooted his stool over to her. "Hey, how's your night going?" No hesitation. He was good at this. He needed to try getting smashed more often.

She looked over her shoulder at him. "I'm... doing alright." She gave a little smile, but didn't make eye contact. She was the shy sort then, that was cool. He could relate.

"Glad to hear it. My name's Nick. How about I make it even better for ya?" Smooth as fuck.

The pink pony looked away from him, seemed to be searching the room. "I'm sorry, but I'm not—uh, you're not really my type." there was a timid quaver in her voice, which was deep and husky—sexy.

Oh she was a shy one alright, plus she'd probably never seen a human before. But expanding her horizons wouldn't hurt anyone. "Aw c'mon. Have you ever even tried my type?" He put a hand on her back.

She flinched at the contact. Only a few seconds later there was a voice from behind. "Whoa there. Just what the hay kind of bar do you think this is?" Something invisible pulled Nick backwards out of his seat and tumbling to the floor. A tall pony loomed into view. "Can't you see the poor guy doesn't want anything to do with you. And just because I'm feeling nice, I'll let you know that this bar is full of off-duty guards, so maybe think twice before you go harassing any more stallions." There was a scowl on their face.

Nick staggered back to his feet. There had clearly been some kind of misunderstanding. But that wasn't his fault, he was a literal alien, how was he supposed to know stuff like this? "Look, you've got it all wrong. I'm not harassing her. I'm just—" He was trying to back away from the weirdly aggressive pony when he felt himself bump into something. There was a yelp and a crash behind him of someone falling off a stool.

The pony in front of him glowered even more. Off to the side, a second pony appeared, also big and muscular. It wasn't such a great time anymore.

They came menacingly forward. Someone yelled "fight!"

Mercifully, before things could go any further, one more pony stepped into the middle. This one was wearing the armor of a royal guard.

As quickly as it had arisen, the tension and danger in the air dissipated. The guard did not even need to say anything, only stand and look around sternly. At the formerly cheering ponies, at the two threatening him, and at Nick himself. It was easy to understand why all the ponies shut up so readily when his turn came under the steely eyes within that helmet.

"Come with me," the guard finally said to him, after a spell of eye contact that lasted far too long.

What could Nick do but obey? He certainly didn't want to stay with the ponies who were ready to attack him. He clumsily got up on his feet. It was more work than he was used to, being this drunk was rare for him. It did help that a wide empty space cleared out around him and his escort. None of the ponies seemed to want to mess with a guard who was on the job. Even in his inebriated state, Nick didn't have any notion of teasing them.

The guard (Nick figured he might as well just give up on trying to guess what gender ponies were) left the bar, with him following along like a dog. He wasn't a leader, okay? He was always happy to leave that shit to someone else, and this was no exception. He followed that guard into the castle and down a twisting sequence of corridors that he was pretty sure hadn't been part of the tour. Maybe. He wasn't exactly in a state to tell.

It was a very cozy room they went in to. Nick saw a big, soft looking couch and made a beeline for it. Standing and walking was hard. He sank into it so very gratefully. Maybe he should have asked first, but his guard didn't make any fuss about it. He, she, who even knew anymore looked him over to make sure he wasn't going anywhere, and then left for another room next door.

As the adrenaline drained from his body leaving only booze and the plush softness around him, it was suddenly hard to keep his eyes open. He had no intention of fighting it, he leaned back and waited for sleep to take him.

He heard a few noises. He cracked his eyes open long enough to see a big pink pony standing in front of him, whispering to someone. That was nice. Nick go sleep now.

Unfortunately, Nick woke up the next morning. His mouth was dry as a desert and his head was pounding. All through the rest of his body there was general discomfort. He groaned as he stirred, then curled himself up and tried to escape back into sleep and blissful unconsciousness.

That didn't work.

Instead he just lay on that couch aching. He heard noises and other people in the room, but he honestly didn't give a fuck. God, this was why he didn't usually drink.

The smell of coffee intruded his nose. Reluctantly he opened his eyes to sample the outside world. A maid was setting up a tray loaded with breakfast in front of him. They curtsied in front of him and said "I'll let the princess know you're awake."

So this was fun. Not only did he have a hangover, he'd fucked up enough to get hauled in front of the princess again. Then again, what had he expected? With everything else that had happened why was this a surprise?

Life had more surprises for Nick. It was not Celestia who came out and sat down in front of him. This pony towered over all the others and wore a crown like Celestia, but Celestia wasn't nearly so pink.

"Hello, Nick, I'm Princess Cadance," she said. "You look unwell. Let me help you." Her horn shimmered, and Nick felt the malaise of his hangover disappear. The world didn't seem like such a harsh place anymore.

He sat upright and faced her. He knew he wasn't off the hook that easily, but oh did he feel better. Not better enough to make eye contact, but he did mumble a "thanks."

"You're very welcome. You're not the first po—creature the guards have rescued from a spot of trouble in that bar, nor will you be the last." She took a sip from a cup of her own. "Though it's not usually—oh, how do I say this?" She thought for a moment. "I guess—you are a male, yes?"

He couldn't see what that had to do with the bar, but he nodded. "Yeah. I'm a man."

"Man. So that's the word. Anyway, my point is that it's not usually the males starting the trouble. Too often it's you poor things getting caught between two mares." She seemed to notice some hint of confusion in his face. "Female ponies, such as myself, are called mares. The male ones, 'men,' are called stallions."

"Oh okay, I was wondering what that word meant." He rubbed the back of his head. "And uh, also. How do I tell those apart? The whole time I've been here I've kind of been wondering."

Cadance took a breath. "That explains a lot. I wanted to have a chat with you anyway, but it's a good thing we're doing this before you get into any more trouble. I hope you don't mind, but we've been keeping an eye on you. Wouldn't want you to get hurt or lost."

Nick wasn't sure where to start, but it didn't seem like anywhere was not going to be some kind of uncomfortable. "Right, so that pony I was hitting on last night?" He cringed at the memories. It didn't really matter what the answer to that one was. Whether that had been a guy or not, he had made an ass of himself.

Sure enough, Cadance pursed her lips before she spoke. "The guard reported that the altercation started with your advances toward a stallion, a Mr.—"

"What? I swear I thought he was a mare. He was so small and girly looking."

"Most stallions are," Cadance said.

Well fuck. How was that supposed to make any sense? "So what are mares like then?"

"Physically, larger, stronger, though I am sort of an extreme case as far as that goes. And of course we have more dominant, logical personalities than stallions. You know, general masculine things."

"That makes no sense," Nick blurted. "Females are masculine and males are feminine? Who came up with that!?"

Cadance shrugged. "I didn't decide what the words meant, I learned them like everypony else. I'd have to ask Auntie Celestia... I think I will, now that you point it out it is odd. You're a clever little guy."

"Okay," Nick said, thinking back to all the suspicious things that had happened, "So you heard about the tour I went on too then. What about Guided? Are they a mare too!?"

"Of course. Miss Guided is quite good at her job." Cadance said.

"Bullshit! She has a dick. I saw it." He stopped just short of yelling.

Cadance just looked baffled. "I'm afraid I don't understand. What does her penis have to do with whether she's a mare or not?"

The confusion spread from her to Nick. "Well, you know..." He wasn't sure how to explain himself. It was one of those things that was so obvious he had never thought he would have to put it into words. "The last time I checked, males had penises, and females... didn't?"

Cadance blinked at him. "Whatever world you come from must be very strange. I'm very much a female and I have a penis. Most everypony does."

Nick stared. She had to be fucking with him.

"I'm curious, actually," Cadance said. "What sort of genitals do human females have then?"

Nick blushed. Despite the conversation already being in that territory, answering her question suddenly seemed awkward. "They have vaginas."

"I see. I think I'm beginning to understand your confusion. Mares do indeed have vaginas as well—which is a good thing, most stallions are too delicate for childbirth." She shifted in her seat. A strange look came over her face. "In fact, why don't I demonstrate? What a mare looks like, that is. I'm not going to have another kid for a good long while."

She stood and turned around, and flicked her tail to the side. Nick could see everything. It was most definitely an ass. At the base of her tail was what must have been her asshole. Below that was a thin slit that he could tell was a pussy despite it following the general theme of not looking like human bits. And, sure enough, below that hung a weighty pair of pink balls.

It was a lot of information—that Nick didn't really know what to do with. Too many things he had thought he knew turning out to be wrong. He could deal with his trouble telling mares and stallions apart, he was new to it. But he had never considered that it would be so different from how everything he knew worked. Everyone had dicks? Everyone? Yet he could see that she wasn't fucking with him.

"Like what you see?" she said sultrily. Then her face drooped ever so slightly. She chewed her lip, thinking about something. She turned back around and sat down; he could see her think pink dick stiffly swaying under her.

Dicks, dicks, dicks. It looked like he was going to have to get used to them if he didn't want to be alone forever.

"I'm sure this is a lot to take in," Cadance said, a warm smile returning to her face. "Why don't we take a break? I wouldn't want to overwhelm you. But I'd be happy to keep getting you acquainted with Equestrian culture.

"Bring me my schedule!" She called to somepony in an adjacent room. Her order was carried out by a short, deferential pony who came scurrying in carrying a little book. He must have been a stallion. Everything Nick had just heard said that, but his instincts hadn't gotten the message that the diminutive person in a dress could be a dude.

Across from him Cadance grumbled as she reviewed her schedule. "I had hoped to talk to you more tonight, but it looks like I can't. How about you come back tomorrow night and I can teach you some more."

Nick nodded mutely. He was too busy thinking to respond with words. He'd take her up, it wasn't like he had anything planned.

Cadance then got up and rather urgently scurried back through the door she had come through. He heard her yell "Shiny!" in the distance.

The "maid" who had brought the schedule took it upon himself to escort Nick back to his room.

He didn't know what to make of the answers Cadance had given him, but at least he had answers.