A Story in %largenumber% Words

by Lunatic God

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character, Team Fortress, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 1035

He enjoys flying but does not like flying planes. He lives the American dream, yet he is not fat. Who is he? Well, by the cover art, and the series this story is a part of, it should be obvious.

Like I said, judging from the series, it should be painfully obvious who this story is about! It's about Mr. yeet yourself at the enemy with a meme spoon and become bugs bunny the script kiddy before smacking big fat Russian communists with a sho- meme spoon. Apologies.

The Soldier.

It's the Soldier.

Published 2022-11-12 05:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-11-12 05:20:00 UTC

You Are The Prettiest Unicorn!

“IF GOD HAD WANTED YOU TO LIVE, HE WOULD NOT HAVE CREATED– Oh hey God.”

“Hello, Queen Eli– wait, what?” God looked at red-colored American with a helmet over his eyes and a rocket launcher in his hands. God then checked his watch.

“Oh, I forgot daylight savings." He set his watch appropriately, then cleared his throat, extending his arms as if awaiting an embrace.

“Hello, Soldier from… Um… Tea for two." He lowered his arms. “As you can see, you are dead. Welcome to Hea–”

“Being dead is boring. Send me back."

“What? No, why would I do that?"

“Because there's some Blu skulls that need crackin’,” he growled, punching his palm angrily.

“No, Soldier. You're dead. Anyways–”

“Are we on a cloud?"

“Yes, now stop interrupting me–”

“What's under us?"

God growled in frustration.

“Nothing, just some magical little ponies,” God said with a dismissive hand wave.

It was silent for a while. God waited for a reaction, while Soldier merely stared with a blank face.

“So… Can I talk–”

“PONIES?!" He screamed suddenly, then aimed his rocket launcher at his feet.

“SOLDIER, NO!" God shouted in panic, reaching out to stop him, but Soldier had already blasted off, arcing up and over the edge of the cloud.

“I WILL FIND THE PRETTIEST UNICORN, AND THEN I WILL BRUSH HER MANE…"

God stared at where Soldier disappeared and sighed, his shoulders slumping.

“First Tavish, then the Jeremys, and now this?" he gestured vaguely towards where he was looking.

“...Whatever. Tia can deal with him." He turned and walked off.

“... and then you found me?" Rarity finished, laying on her fancy red couch and resting her chin on the armrest with her eyes closed.

“Correct!” The gruff human on his knees confirmed from in front of her, one hand gripping a purple brush and carefully brushing her mane as the other hand scritched her cheek. “God led me to the prettiest unicorn, so I must brush your beautiful mane!”

“Such a sweet stallion you are," she told him with a smile.

“I am not a stallion! I am a patriot!" he corrected, beating his chest once with his balled up empty fist before it returned to scritching.

“Right, right," she mumbled, rolling onto her side to get more comfortable. Seeing this, Soldier’s scritching hand darted to rub her belly, to which she purred at, her tail wagging ever so slightly.

“Who likes belly rubs?” He asked, smiling as he dropped the brush and scooted in front of her belly, his other hand now rubbing along her chest and neck, making her roll onto her back as her tail started moving even more.

“Rarity does," she answered.

“That's right! Rarity does!" He then curled his fingers and began rapidly scratching all over her body, and one of his hands quickly found a spot that made her leg kick.

“Rarity likes belly rubs! Yes she does!" His hand doubled down on the sweet spot, making her hindleg kick as if she were running track in high school, while her tongue hung out of her open jaw.

Soldier stood in front of Rarity at parade rest, his red coat now sporting a ruffled white blouse, red-colored cuffs, and a golden trim around the collar and cuffs.

“Perfect,” Rarity stated with a long roll of measuring tape loosely around her neck and a pair of stylish red glasses on her muzzle, her rump flopping to the floor in exhaustion. “What do you think?”

“Right face!” He shouted, turning right to look at himself in the mirror.

“Hmm… I look like I could go to a fancy-schmancy party and not get blown up!”

“Great,” she sighed as she stood up. “Now to go shower, then go to bed.”

“I’ll help!” He raised a foot.

“NO!” She exclaimed, her cheeks turning red. “I do not need help showering, thank you very much.”

“Understood!”

She relaxed with a sigh, then slowly turned and walked away.

“Atennnnntion!”

Sweetie Belle stood straight, looking straight ahead.

“You will go to school today, you will fearlessly face that math test, and you will defeat it with a big fat A plus! Is that understood, Sweetie?!”

“Sir, yes sir!” her high-pitched voice exclaimed.

“Now that’s what I like to hear!” Soldier yelled with a smile.

“About face!”

Sweetie turned to face the other way, which was towards the open front door.

“March!”

“I don’t know what I’ve been told…” she whispered to herself as she marched out the front door, heading towards the schoolhouse.

“They grow up so fast,” Soldier said quietly, sniffing as a tear ran down his cheek.

“Hello, darling,” Rarity greeted as Applejack stepped into the Boutique, magically closing the door behind her.

“Howdy, Rares,” she greeted back, tipping her hat. “How ya been?”

“Oh, absolutely amazing ever since he came into my life,” Rarity answered with a smile.

“He? Who’s he?” Applejack asked.

“Rare-bear!”

“Yes, Soldier-woldier?”

“The cookies are ready!”

Rarity squealed, grabbing the farm pony’s hoof and dragging her to the kitchen.

“What’s got you all squealy?” Applejack asked, looking at her.

“Him!” She answered, pointing ahead. Applejack’s eyes followed her hoof.

“Chocolate cookie?” He offered, holding out the tray of cookies held in pink oven mitts while his torso was protected with a pink apron. There was a long stretch of silence.

“...I like him.”

Soldier and Applejack entered Rarity’s home, both panting heavily and sweating profusely.

“Whew! Yer a fast fellow!” She took off her hat and fanned herself with it.

“If i’m not, then I can’t chase scum sucking fruit baskets!” He yelled in response. Bending over with his hands on his knees.

“Purty too,” she purred, looking over with a smirk.

“You are pretty as well!” He shouted back, meeting her gaze. “In fact, I'd hit that!”

“Well, why dontcha?” she asked, rubbing her body against his legs as she walked past, her rear swaying.

“Why don’t I what?”

“Hit that.”

“Hit what?”

Her sultry look quickly morphed into one of confusion.

“Uh, me?”

“What?! I would never hit a pretty woman!”

She rolled her eyes, then pounced on him, knocking him to the ground.