Confessions

by RoyalBardofCanterlot

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Drama, Comedy
Length: 3309

Guess what? Twilight's a priestess now. And all of her friends want to tell her their inane moral failings.

As an Alicorn, Twilight Sparkle is honor bound to hear the confessions of any true penitent that steps into the radiant light of her holy presence.

On a related note, Twilight Sparkle doesn't want to be an Alicorn anymore.

Published 2020-05-27 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-08-06 22:57:34 UTC

Rarity

Author's Note

This is pure crack, do not take it seriously.

Rarity

Twilight spread her still unfamiliar wings as she adjusted herself on her purple "reading cushion." Shafts of afternoon sunlight filtered through the window of her tree library. A bit of a tune came from her lips as she turned the pages. Yes. This was a very nice way to spend an afternoon. She was glad not too much had changed since her coronation of one month ago. She was not very fond of big, unexpected changes.

Still, becoming a Princess was a great honor and since she was a "princess in name only" (Celestia and Luna did all the work) she didn't need to worry about any official duties. Yes, life was good for Her Serene Majesty Princess Twilight Aurora Sparkle. She turned another page. Of course, the presence of a friend would make the day even better.

There was a sudden knock on her door, making our princess protagonist look up from her book. That was odd. The library door was usually unlocked. All of her friends knew that. The whole town knew that.

Who knocked at the door to a library?

Wanting to get to the bottom of the perplexing puzzle, she stood up from her comfortable cushion and strode across the wooden floorboards to open the door. She flicked her horn and slid the door open. Her good friend Rarity stood at the door, looking down at the ground. Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Rarity? Are you alright?"

Rarity nodded. "May I come in?"

"Of course?"

Rarity did so, still averting her eyes. Twilight patted her withers. "Hey, what's wrong?"

She pawed at the floor in response. Then she prostrated herself. Twilight gasped, stepped back. "Rarity, you really don't need to do that!"

Rarity managed to look up. "Forgive me Mother, for I have sinned."

Twilight blinked, flapped her new wings. Right. Alicorn. All Alicorns were Priestesses. Priests and priestesses heard and absolved sins. She stepped slightly further back. "R-Rarity..." She stammered. "I really don't know how to do this sort of thing."

Rarity's lips jutted out in a way that could only be described as "cute" or "pouty" or "trying too hard." "Father Waddle normally hears my confessions, but he told me to leave and never come back."

Twilight shook her head. "Well, that wasn't very nice."

Rarity rolled her eyes. "I know! Honestly! He said to be forgiven of my sins I had to actually try to change and be a better Pony! Can you believe that?"

"Ummmmm...."

"I mean, sure I've confessed the same sin to him every Sunday at one'o clock since I was sixteen, but come on!"

"Ummmmm...." Twilight did her best fish impression, her jaws working up and down. "Well, er, maybe you should try to change?"

Rarity sulked. "You're being awfully judgy."

"Alright. Alright. What was the sin?" She patted Rarity's hoof. "I'm sure it wasn't too bad."

She blushed. "Fornication."

"Eh, that's not too bad. Maybe you should tell me what happened?" She effected the warm, patient, motherly tone of Princess Celestia, continuing to pat Rarity's hoof.

She scratched the wood with her hoof. "It started when I went to Canterlot and, I drank a bit too much. Then I wandered into the Guard barracks."

Twilight blinked. "The barracks are closed to the public."

"They know me, Darling. Fairly well." The blush deepened. "That story is related to the story, but let's not get distracted. Well, I saw a guard so I presented and he mounted me."

"That was sudden."

"And after he was done I just sort of stayed in position. For about an hour after shouting 'buffet is open, boys!' Not sure why I said that. But I always do."

"You...you always do. Rarity, how common of an occurrence is this for you?"

"Every Saturday, Darling. Anyway, every sweaty, muscular guard had his way with me, thrusting and pounding my love hole as the others watched. I laid on my belly, my taut and stylish rump in the air as they all filled me with their massive stallion rods..."

As she went on, she began to sweat. After several seconds of describing each muscular guard, Twilight noticed that she was starting to pant. Sweat was dripping down her brow as she went into detail. It was making Twilight uncomfortable in places she normally didn't feel much of anything.

"Rarity, that's enough." It was making her feel very uncomfortable.

"And then Iron Hoof did his special technique-"

"Rarity, please-" She was growing red in the face. Tingly in other places.

"While Silver Shod pounded my ass, I used to not enjoy anal, but he's so gentle when he does it-"

"RARITY, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, STOP TALKING!" Her chest heaved with the force of shouting.

Rarity did so with a little whimper. Being yelled at by a demi-Goddess had that effect on most mortals.

Twilight sighed and hugged her. "I shouldn't have yelled at you, but that was getting uncomfortable."

Rarity nuzzled into her. "I am sorry, I guess I went a little far."

Twilight took a deep breath, pressed her cheek to hers. "Why are you doing this?"

"Confessing?"

"No. Well, yes, but no. Why do you feel the need to go to the guard barracks every week and let them do that to you?"

"Because it feels like Heaven?"

Twilight frowned. "Come on. There's got to be a deeper reason. Does it make you feel young? Pretty?"

Rarity did a little shake. "Darling, I am gorgeous and I don't need a stallion to make me feel that way."

"You fear intimacy?" She scratched her chin. "What's your relationship with your father like?"

Rarity narrowed her eyes. "My father is a saint, Twilight Sparkle."

"Well, why else?" Twilight scratched her chin. "Do you think it's the only way to get stallions to like you?"

"If I were a stallion, would you even question it?"

Twilight paused. "Eh. Fair point. I absolve you of your sins."

Rarity smiled. "Thank you, Darling!"

"One one condition."

Rarity's ears drooped. "Yes?"

"You invite me next time."

Pinkie Pie

Author's Note

Contains diabetes.

Pinkie Pie

Unfortunately, consequences were still a thing which existed-despite multiple attempts by both ascended mortals and mad Gods to correct that flaw in the Universe's design-so next Sunday found both Rarity and Twilight down at the local health department. Fortunately, Twilight was immune to common mortal ailments and all of Rarity's STD's cancelled each other out. Doctors called it a medical marvel. Twilight, feeling a bit guilty, had convinced Rarity to try to actually cool it for a bit and Rarity had agreed.

Also, Celestia had found out and she'd lost her Princess privileges for a week. Which basically meant she wasn't allowed an extra slice of cake at the weekly Royal tea party. Cadence had still slipped her one when Celestia and Luna weren't looking. When Celestia had re-instated her privileges, she'd hugged her and whispered, "I was still worse."

Twilight hadn't asked what that had meant. A little bit wiser, the new-for-a-second-time Princess settled on her cushion and started to read. Surely, this time there would be no interruptions and she could finish her book in peace. For a few moments, she lost herself in the story, all the way until the end. Which was the last three pages. Sighing, she placed the book back on the shelf using her magic.

She lived in a library and had ran out of books. How did that even happen? She stood and stretched. The warm sunlight streaming through the window felt nice on her back, tempted her to actually go outside and read. She trotted over to the bookshelf, began to look through the books. She had read all of them before, but there might be one she'd like to re-read.

The door creaked open and Twilight turned around just as Pinkie trudged in. The party pony appeared peculiarly peckish. Twilight, alarmed, pranced over to her. "Pinkie, are you alright?"

Pinkie's lips trembled. "I'm a bad pony."

Hoo-boy, here we go again... Twilight reached out and patted Pinkie's curls. "Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that bad."

Pinkie plopped down on her belly. "I'm a bad, no-good thief."

Twilight could guess what this was about. She continued stroking Pinkie's curls. So floofy. Then she laid down so she was eye level. "Wanna tell me about it?"

Pinkie sniffled. "Forgive me Mommy for I have sinned."

Close enough. She took a deep breath. Ponies thought she was a moral guide now. That was mildly terrifying.

Pinkie continued. "I ate a whole bag of flour. I was supposed to use it to bake cupcakes, but then I wondered what flour tasted like cause flour makes bread and that tastes good so flour must taste super good and it did! I ate a little bit and I couldn't stop!" Her eyes teared up. "I just kept eating all the flour! The whole bag! And now I'm being punished with a bad tummy ache!"

Twilight blinked. "Pinkie. You're not being punished. The reason you have a tummy ache is because your digestive system can't handle all that raw, unprocessed flour."

Pinkie's ears perked up. "Ohhhh. But it was still bad wasn't it?"

She sighed. "Yes, Pinkie. But you are sorry for it?" It felt like something a Real Live Princess would say so she went with it.

Pinkie nodded. "Super-duper sorry!"

"Then I absolve you of your sins."

Pinkie smiled and then hugged her. Twilight hugged back.

"Thanks." Pinkie nuzzled her. "I really needed to tell somepony that and well, I could have told Father Waddle, but...I don't know, you're my friend and you're so smart and I just knew you'd be able to make me feel better and..."Her ears drooped. "You have to give me a penance now don't you?"

Twilight nodded. That was the step she'd forgotten with Rarity. Though she was wondering if Rarity's confession counted as a confession or if it was more like a "boast." "Well, I think the best thing to do would be to buy a new bag of flour."

"Already did that. I brought it back to Sugarcube Corner and then my tummy started feeling wummy-wummy." She rolled over onto her back.

That was because that's how long it took for the raw, unprocessed flour to go through her system. "And tell the Cakes."

"They'll dock my pay." She whined, either from pain in her stomach or the prospect of telling the Cakes.

"Sorry Pinkie. You're going to have to." She internally cringed at the aura of authority. It was something she hated having over her friends.

Pinkie sniffled. "Okay. My tummy feels better."

"Hmm. Could've been guilt."

"Yeah." PInkie wiggled in search of a more comfortable position. "Still hurts though."

Twilight reached down, ran a long, soothing, stroke over Pinkie's belly. "Feel better?"

The affection brought a sound of satisfaction from Pinkie. "Mmmm-hmmm."

Twilight rubbed soothing circles in Pinkie's fluffy belly, noting a hard spot. She softly rubbed there, making Pinkie squirm slightly. Pinkie was mostly still, though, allowing Twilight to run her hooves up and down her stomach. "Do you feel better?"

Pinkie smiled, giggling lightly when Twilight brushed against a ticklish spot. "I'm not completely all better, but I do feel sort of better."

Twilight gently ran her hooves all over Pinkie's belly. "Would baking me a cupcake make you feel better?"

Pinkie smiled. "Yeah."

The best way to cheer Pinkie up was to suggest doing something to cheer others up. Twilight pressed into the hard spot on Pinkie's tummy, pressed down. Still doing it as gently as she possibly could, she rubbed the spot. It softened beneath her touch. Pinkie squirmed, then relaxed. Her stomach was in knots. Her whole body had been tense with the guilt, but the soft touch of Twilight's hooves pressing into her belly was making her relaxed. "Wanna go over to Sugarcube Corner and bake cupcakes together?"

Pinkie bounded up. "Okie Dokie Lokie! I should totally get back to work!" She shuffled her hoof. "Still gotta tell them right?"

"You don't have to right away."

"Nah, I wanna get it over with." She paused, looked at Twilight with the most serious expression Twilight had ever seen on her face. "Thanks for listening."

Twilight hesitated. "Your welcome, Pinkie. We all need someone to listen to us sometimes."

Pinkie grabbed her in another hug which Twilight returned before they walked out the library together.

Rainbow Dash

Twilight sat curled up in her reading nook and raised the white cup of tea to her lips. A copy of the latest Daring Do novel, Daring Do and the Lost Sunstone, rested in her hooves. All should have been well. But, something felt off. She glanced over to her dear friend Rainbow Dash who had curled up beside her. The oddity that Twilight noted was how Dash had not turned a page in ten minutes. Her tail was flipping erratically, violently swishing the air.

She cleared her throat. "Dash? You okay?"

Dash's ear twitched and she turned the page. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Dash clapped her hooves nervously. Her ear twitched. "Twi, y'know how you're an Alicorn now?"

Twilight blinked. "Um, yes?"

"So, can you see inside my soul?"

"Only Celestia and Luna can do that."

"Oh...okay." Dash flipped another page even though Twilight knew she didn't read that fast.

Twilight returned her attention to her copy. "So, is there something you want to talk about?"

Dash did her best Fluttershy impression, pawing at the ground and squeaking. "No? Yes? Maybe?"

Twilight extended her wing, laid it over the Pegasus' back. "I can tell something's bothering you. You know you can tell me."

Dash leaned into the affection. "Alright, but you gotta promise not to call the Guard."

Twilight's ears perked up. "Um. Alright. I'll get my paperwork for an official pardon." But only if it wasn't too bad. "Did you hurt someone?"

Dash shook her head. "No. Well, sort of."

Twilight nodded. "I think you should just tell me."

Dash took a deep breath. "Do we gotta do that, y'know, that whole thing?"

"If you want this to be official."

"Forgive me Mother for I have sinned." The words all ran into each other. "Celestia, that made me feel like a foal." She blushed.

Twilight breathed. "What was your sin?" She was getting better at this.

"I, uh, is it wrong if you like a stallion a little too much?"

"Just one? What do you mean?"

Dash clapped her hooves together so much Twilight looked around to see if Spitfire had walked into the room. She jumped up. "Never mind, this is dumb, I'm out."

Twilight sighed. "Dash? Are you sure? Now I'm worried about you. You know I'm not here to judge you."

"Yeah, you're gonna judge me. Anypony would."

"It can't be that bad." She patted the cushion and Dash hesitated before floating back down.

They faced each other, but Dash wouldn't meet her gaze. At last, she spoke. "Let's say you, uh, you like this stallion. You like him a lot, but you know he's never going to notice you cause he's-"

"You should just ask Soarin out."

Dash's eyes widened. "You can see inside my soul!"

"Everypony knows it. Every creature in Equestria knows it."

Dash snorted. "Yeah, like he's ever gonna notice me. I mean, we did talk at the Equestria Games trials. Do you think maybe there's a chance?"

Twilight laid a hoof on her shoulder and smiled. "I'm sure there is."

Dash laid her head in her hooves like she was on the verge of tears. "But I went and screwed it all up!"

Twilight rubbed her back. "Hey, come on. Just tell me. Maybe I can help?" A thought occurred to her. "Um, Dash? Does this have anything to do with that gossip column Rarity showed me about a crazed fanfilly sneaking into Soarin's room and making off with his socks?"

Dash whimpered.

"And underwear?"

Another whimper.

"And manebrush?"

Dash burst into tears. Flat out bawling, like one would hear from Sweetie Belle if she tripped over a rock and chipped her hoof or from Rarity if she tripped over a rock and chipped her hoof. Twilight wrapped her up in a hug and rubbed the place between her wings which acted as a relaxant for her tribe. Dash began to calm down, resting her head on Twilight's shoulder and sniffling.

Twilight stroked her mane. "Feel better?"

"...No. What am I gonna do Twilight?"

"Well, why don't you tell me why you took his stuff?"

Dash wiped away her tears. "I didn't mean to. I...I was just gonna go up to his room after a show. I found out where he was staying and I wanted to talk to him about setting up a time where I could really show him my stuff. The door was unlocked."

Twilight gave her a flat look.

"...After I bucked it once or twice. Look, Soarin is a really heavy sleeper apparently. He'd fallen asleep with the lights on and I saw his manebrush." She shuddered. "It smelt like him. So, I uh...look Twi, I'm a mare, I have needs. He woke up and I got out as fast as I could. I'm glad I'm not the only Pegasus with a rainbow tail."

"I understand." She sighed. "I absolve you of your sins."

Dash smiled slightly. "Thanks."

"You know you have to return what you stole right?"

Dash pouted. "He's gonna hate me." She sniffled. "I'm never gonna be a Wonderbolt now!"

Twilight hugged her to cut off a fresh round of crying, but Dash still burst into tears. "Look, Dash, sweetie. It was a mistake. Just tell him you got caught up in the moment."

Dash sniffled some more. "Do you think that will work?"

"I'm sure it will. Most Ponies are very forgiving."

"Will you come with me?"

"Of course."

...
They stood at the door to what could only be described as a mansion carved from clouds and rainbows. Dash stared in awe. It was bigger than her own cloudaminium, but in the same Classical Pegasan style. His was more solid looking, pillars on all sides holding up the arched roof.

Dash stared up and up at it, not moving at all. In her mouth she held a bag full of the loot she'd snagged from his room. Twilight pushed her forward. "The sooner you do it, the sooner it'll be done."

She sighed. "Okay. I'm gonna do it. I mean it this time." She lifted her hoof and gently tapped on the door. After waiting half-a-second, she turned. "Whoops, he must not've heard me, let's go."

"So, you're finally returning it?"

Dash froze and slowly, agonizingly slowly, turned around. Soarin stood in the doorway and Twi placed a hoof on her withers before she could fly off. Her lips trembled and she dropped the bag. "Look, I'm really sorry! I actually think my heat's coming earlier this year, we've had a hot spring and well, y'know what that does to a mare-"

Soarin touched her lips and she stopped. Twilight's eyes widened and she inched away. Soarin didn't even look remotely angry.

Quite the opposite actually. Dash's face had turned crimson and she moved towards him. Soarin moved closer to her. Twilight began to inch further away. Soarin came close and nuzzled her. "Hey, I'll forgive you on one condition."

"Name it."

"You take me out."

Dash shot into the air, air-prancing in circles. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Soarin smirked and flew into the air after her. "Not doing anything. Wanna get some lunch?"

Dash flew more circles, still chanting yes. Twilight groaned, then shook her head, smiling before she sailed from the field of clouds.