Applejack and Rainbow Sue Equestria for A Million Bits
"....And unfortunately during said potions class one of my new, more gifted personal students, managed to cause the unexpected tear in reality. Thankfully, due to the heroic work of a number of my closest friends and family we were able to close the tear before any students, staff or residents of Canterlot were harmed. Unfortunately, such containment did come at a price. I can confirm that Miss Rainbow Awesome Dash, the bearer of the Element of Loyalty, was seriously injured in the rescue of one of the students and her recovery period will be a long and difficult one."
There were gasps of shock from the crowd of reporters as they suddenly stopped writing in their notepads and stared at the princess. Twilight paused for a moment to allow the disturbance to subside before continuing.
"Before any of you ask, no I cannot disclose any further details on Rainbow's injuries other than she is stable and making a good recovery. I can promise you her efforts will not go without reward, although more on that will be released at a later time. More importantly right now the clean up of Canterlot is already underway by myself and the Royal Guard. Anybody effected by last nights events should contact one of the guards who will be happy to assist. Alternatively you can visit the castle where an emergency crisis centre has been set up. Once again, my sincerest apologies to the entirety of Canterlot and I can assure you we will be putting stringent safety measures in place in the immediate future to prevent any further such occurrences from happening. I understand this statement has been brief but please be aware the incident is currently under investigation and I am limited in the information I can provide at this time. Any questions?"
After a few generic general questions the reporters seemed satisfied, for now, and Twilight felt it was time to call the press conference to a close.
"Alright then, if there are no more questions...!"
A light grey hoof shot up at the back of room
"Yes?" Twilight half groaned, hoping she had put this awkward part of her day behind her.
A nondescript light grey unicorn stallion with a dark grey mane and tail stood up before speaking. "Ian Quizative, Pony Eye. If I may be so bold, what are you covering up?"
"Excuse Me?" Twilight asked, her eyes only slightly shifting uneasily.
"Okay then. You haven't left Canterlot in four years, a year after your coronation. Your aides also do almost all of your press conferences. I've witnessed you putting extra protection charms on your family's home. There is a lot more evidence I've conjured up over the past four years and yesterday's escapade just confirmed my suspicions. Don't bother trying to cover it up, it's all in today's special edition of Pony Eye that hit shelves this morning entitled 'Scandal in Canterlot! Princess Sparkle has secret lovechild!'
The room went dead silent. Twilight stared at him open mouthed. The room went wild.
"Princess, is it true? Who's the father? Why have you kept them a secret these past four years? What's their gender? Are they an alicorn?"
The questions kept on coming, Twilight groaned.
*
Twilight closed the door to her private quarters, Spike by her side. Finally some peace and quiet so they could discuss what had happened and try to minimise the fallout that today had caused. The guards were currently dealing with a whole mass of ponies protesting at the front gates of the castle demanding for Twilight to stand down from her position of power and for the return of Celestia and Luna.
"Good evening Princess."
"GAH" Twilight cried, jumping out of her skin as she realised that another creature was in her private quarters with her and Spike.
"Oops, my bad." Apple Bloom sniggered, appearing in front of Twilight shouldered by two guards. "I thought somepony would have informed you of my arrival."
"No, no they did not." Twilight huffed. "If you don't mind me being so blunt, what is this all about? If you haven't already noticed, I've kinda got a major crisis on my hoof and that's even before I consider yesterday's one."
"I saw. I picked up a copy of Pony Eye as I came into Canterlot this morning. My, my, you have been a naughty girl haven't you and I never knew you were into mares." Apple Bloom gave the princess a sly wink.
Twilight blushed before slowly regaining her composure. "Can we just get on with this please?" She sighed.
"Fine." Apple Bloom groused. "As the Apple family's legal representative, it is my duty to inform you that one Applejack Apple and her fiancee, one Rainbow Awesome Dash, have brought the following charges against one Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and Ruler of Equestria. Assault, attempted murder, attempted manslaughter of an unborn foal. The accused will be held under house arrest within her private quarters of Canterlot Castle under strict magical inhibitors and supervision until a court date can be arranged or an out of court of settlement can be reached. The accusers have currently stated they will only drop said charges if a compensation payment of one million bits plus their lawyer's fees are paid."
Twilight had her head in her hooves. "This is a joke, right? Which one of them put you up to this? For a start, you're 17, how can you be a legally, OOOF."
Twilight found a document shoved into her face.
"My basic law degree. I graduated just before my 17th birthday last year. I'm currently studying and working part time under Judy Scales in Ponyville to further enhance my skill set in between the farm. Here's a tip for you Twilight. Next time, before you go ahead and open up a school on friendship, maybe take a look at our dark ages schooling system first. Did you know it only became legally mandatory for fillies aged from 5-12 to go to school 5 years ago? Or that we have no upper schooling system in place bar from a few select institutions, with ponies purely expected to go into apprenticeships or get jobs based on their cutie marks once their schooling finishes? This often means Earth ponies end up in physical labour jobs, Pegasi weather positions, and Unicorns bureaucracy. You know why I was different?" Apple Bloom lectured, staring at Twilight.
Twilight, completely caught off guard by this outburst was now sitting dumbstruck on her rump. All she managed was a small shake of her head.
"Because my parents died. Granny Smith's arthritis had gotten to bad to buck the trees and I was merely a foal. Applejack and Big Mac had no time for school. It was either work or we'd all die from starvation or freezing to death homeless on the streets. Another point for the Equestrian Government. Anyway, shortly after I left school and with Granny's dementia getting worse, I was the only one actually capable of manning the books. Applejack and Big Mac had learnt some things from working the farm, but lets just say their education is lacking. Do you know how much legalities go into running a business as big as ours, a lot, and do you know how many Apples trained in law before me, none. I had found my niche. In my first year alone I negotiated a drop on apple and apple products sales tax and acquired a 13,472 bit refund of taxes for the previous ten years due to countless over payments and irregularities. Within three years I'd studied almost every book on law I could get my hoof on before I ended up spending a year in Canterlot getting certified. You still think this a joke?"
The teenage filly glared daggers at Twilight who was now simply completely lost in comprehending what had been said to her. Her eyes had taken on a glassy look and a speck of drool hung out of one corner of her mouth. It was Spike who stepped in.
"Good job Apple Bloom, you broke Twilight." He grumbled. He leaned in and whispered in Twilight's ear. "Hey Twi, somepony just brought a torch into the library and is threatening to burn all the books."
"What!" Twilight cried, suddenly shocked back to reality before realising where she was and who was in front of her. "Oh, I locked myself in my own head again didn't I. Sigh. Firstly, Spike remind me I need to schedule a meeting with chancellor Neighsay about a complete investigation and overhaul into the Equestrian Education System."
"Sure Twi" Spike noted on a pad of paper he always carried when he was in the presence of the princess.
"Thank You. Now how about we talk about this like adults. Surely we can come to some sort of agreement? That's a lot of taxpayers money they're asking for." Twilight tried to calm the situation.
Apple Bloom was having none of it "Princess Sparkle, let me get straight to the point. These are serious charges against a high profile public official that have several witness accounts that back up the victims testimony. You don't have a leg to stand on. Considering the fact that it has now been established Miss Dash is also pregnant. Don't ask. Cider, Lyra and Bon Bon, drunken shenanigans." Apple Bloom paused as Twilight's mouth slammed shut and she just put her head in her forehooves before mumbling,
"I'm the worst friend ever. Don't need to say anymore. I'll triple it." She lifted herself off her rump, went over to her writing desk and pulled out a small chequebook scribbling a number on it.
"Twilight can you do this?" Spike queried "One more scandal could destroy your government right now?"
"My approval rating is already through the crapper Spike. What more can my ponies do? If they overthrow me I doubt any of them will be able to maintain the lunar and solar cycles and I doubt Celestia or Luna will fancy coming out of retirement. They'd starve, freeze or who knows what to death before long. Anyway, this'll all blow over in a few moons and they'll all be ogling over the newest princess, especially once I reveal that each household in Equestria will be receiving a free Princess Moonlight plush doll as an act of sincerest apologies from their most humble princess. As Apple Bloom has so bluntly pointed out, 90% plus of them are idiots who won't realise their tax dollars will be funding them. Anyway Spike, the current average rate for loss of a limb in the Equestrian Royal Guard and Army is 500,000 bits and that's before factoring in any other injuries. Considering what Dash has done for Equestria over the past ten years, three million bits is the least the government owes her for the sacrifice she made last night." Twilight explained.
"Huh, you make a valid point." Spike thought it over as Twilight passed the cheque to Apple Bloom alongside another one.
"Your pay, I feel 5% should cover your expenses and costs."
Apple Bloom grinned, "that's the other beautiful thing about law, it pays a lot more than apples." She quickly hoofed the cheques into a saddle bag. "Anyway, I guess you have a lot to sort out with all those protesters outside, sooo I'll leave you to it." She tried to make a hasty exit but was stopped by a lavender forehoof as the hot breath of a muzzle infiltrated her ear.
"You ever speak about this meeting to any creature and no law in Equestria will protect you from my wrath."
Apple Bloom gulped and chuckled nervously. "No need to worry princess, the Apples only hire the best." She hastily bolted from the room. The two guards tried to follow her but were stopped by Twilight.
"One moment you two. No need to be alarmed, just some added security measures after today's breaches." One of the guards bolted for the door only to be lifted up in Twilight's lavender aura.
"Why such the rush huh? Got something to hide Ian Quizative. Did you really think you could fool me again?" The words ran of her tongue like ice. The startled stallion looked everywhere for an exit. There were none as a magical dampener ring was swiftly placed atop his horn and Twilight dismissed his incognito spell revealing him to actually be a dark blue unicorn with a light blue mane and tail and blue question mark for a cutie mark. He also sported a pair of glasses. "Ah, it is good to finally see the real you. You were in such a hurry to leave the press conference I didn't have a chance to congratulate you for your excellent sleuthing abilities. Now how about we make ourselves comfortable"
Ian was levitated into a chair as Twilight sat in one opposite flanked by Spike and wait, was that. It was. Tempest Shadow. Oh buck was he in trouble. He attempted to try and blackmail his way out of this as Spike brought over two cups of tea and placed one in front of him and Twilight.
"Let me go and nothing I've heard tonight gets out." He stated calmly.
Twilight chuckled. "Oh that. That was a ruse my good friend to entice you out of hiding. Who do you think was the one who funded and supported Apple Bloom's legal studies in the first place? Let me tell you a little story."
*
4 Hours Earlier
Twilight with Spike at her side carrying a massive bouquet of flowers trotted into Canterlot Castle's infirmary to check up on its latest occupant.
"Hey don't you keep huffing at me, you were there to and it was your cider that got me smashed in the first place." Rainbow's voice grunted.
"Yeah, well Lyra's your friend and you gave me that potion." Applejack countered.
"Will you two stop bickering. I can't very well sort out a case for you if you keep breaking out into an argument every couple of minutes. You can sort out the whole Rainbow being pregnant mess when I'm gone. I'm just glad we've at least got a ruler in charge now who is actually more than a pretty face so a lot less young ponies end up with drinking problems. I can't believe in over a thousand years Celestia never imposed a minimum drinking age for alcoholic beverages."
"I can agree with that. I love my mentor dearly but the whole politics side of her rule was a total shambles. So many new laws I've had to implement since coming to power. Our schooling system was another that was a total shambles. Also, thanks for the compliment, not many ponies see me as pretty." Twilight smirked.
"What?" Apple Bloom twisted around in her chair and blushed as she caught sight of the princess standing behind her.
"I'm guessing by the reading material on the nightstand there that you already know the secret is out" Twilight highlighted, pointing at the latest copy of Pony Eye which sat atop the nightstand. "I was hoping if you weren't to busy, like last night," Applejack and Rainbow's faces went red.
"Wait, did you, oh Sweet Celestia you did." Apple Bloom fell out of her chair in a fit of laughter.
"Ahem" Twilight coughed politely. "If you don't mind, I've kind of got two crises to get back to. I just came to see how Rainbow's recovery was going and to offer my sincerest apologies once again. I am glad you are here though Apple Bloom as I can make an official offer. Consistent with the injuries suffered, the actions taken by myself and the heroic actions of yourself Rainbow, Myself and the Equestrian government would like to offer you two million bits in compensation if no further action is taken."
Applejack and Rainbow's mouths hung open speechless. It was AJ who regained her senses first.
"That is mighty kind of you Twi, but we've already got what we wanted most. Berry popped by earlier with Moonlight and the liquor licence we needed stating 'it was the least she could do after Rainbow's actions'. Moonlight also drew Rainbow that wonderful picture over there as a thanks for saving her. She really is an absolute darling." She gestured to a crude crayon drawing in a frame on the nightstand before continuing. "What we really Oooomph."
Apple Bloom had recovered her senses. "Applejack, you really don't have any sense of money do you. Rainbows rehabilitation and new wing alone could take up to a million bits easy, the barn half a million and then there's your new foal to consider to. You want to give him or her the best upbringing possible right?"
"Well I guess so?" Applejack looked at her younger sister a little confused.
"Wait a minute. It skipped my mind a minute ago but what is this about pregnancy and a foal?"
"Applejack and Rainbow got smashed a month ago round Lyra and Bon Bon's. Let's just say Lyra had some potions and they ended up trying something a little different. It's a miracle the unborn foal survived after the trauma she suffered. Adding the extra charge of foal manslaughter to the list of charges they could potentially have you on, I think three million bits and the covering of my legal fees, 5% of the compensation total, should be satisfactory." Apple Bloom deadpanned.
Twilight already had a migraine from today, she didn't need this information on top of it as she rubbed her head with one of her forehooves. If there was ever a better example of Equestria's atrocious education system before her rule than Applejack and Rainbow Dash, she had yet to see it. Finally she lifted her head up, a plan forming in her mind.
"My congratulations to the two of you and Apple Bloom, I really did teach you to well."
"You know it" Apple Bloom jested.
"Fine, I'll match your three million bits and your fees if you assist me with a loose end that needs tying up."
"I'm listening." Apple Bloom grinned pulling over another chair for the princess as Applejack and Rainbow stared blankly at each other, both still trying to comprehend the possibility of shortly receiving three million bits from the Equestrian Government.
*
"And so you see, I arranged the whole thing with Apple Bloom. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist getting your hooves on more dirt. The schooling system was one of the very first aspects I sorted out after my coronation. I'd never waste taxpayers money to improve my own approval rating or ever insult my subjects. Everypony and creature in Equestria is like my child and I'd sacrifice myself even if it was to save just one of them. Now that all the explaining's out of the way, DO YOU REALISE WHAT IN EQUESTRIA YOU HAVE DONE!" The teacups shattered and tea spilled across the table as the Canterlot voice boomed around the room. "This whole scandal I can probably deal with, but do you even realise how much danger you've unknowingly put my daughter in. Her cousin has had nine major attempts and ninety eight minor attempts on her life or situations that have put her in significant danger. She's eight. Not every kingdom in our world is full of friendship and rainbows, did you think I was putting those spells on the family home simply to stop snoopers like yourself out?"
Ian gulped as the tears started to flow down his muzzle. "I just wanted to be recognised, that's all I wanted. All my life I've been shunned by my peers as a crackpot theorist with no truth behind his theories. I was orphaned when I was three, have no friends, no family, live in a damp and moldy box room next to the railway tracks. I have nothing. All I wanted was five minutes of fame. One of my crackpot theories to finally be true. My name in the history books. When I first heard of the Sparkle's adopting a new daughter I thought it sounded strange, especially at their age. As the information slowly unraveled over the years I couldn't believe what I'd stumbled upon. The biggest cover up in the Royals histories. How could any journalist turn down the chance at one of the biggest stories in Equestria's history? I'm sorry princess, I truly I am. If there is anyway at all I can."
"Sign this. Twilight pushed a contract across the now clean table with an ink and quill. You avoided so many ponies attention for four years, I could use a pony with that sort of talent. Heck, I had no idea this plan would work. You're smart, blend in with the crowd really wow and avoid detection. I won't lie your life is over one way or another. You can now either choose to be kept on a very tight leash and used as a dog by my government, spying and uncovering plots against myself, my family and Equestria as a whole, or rot in a Canterlot jail cell for the rest of your days eating moldy hell. You'll never publicly be recognised, but Equestria will forever be grateful for your"
She didn't finish her sentence before the contract was signed and passed back over to her. "I've always wanted to travel. Where to first?"
Twilight smiled. The start of another beautiful friendship.
*
"Three million bits! Three million bits!" Applejack nearly screamed in the empty infirmary, holding the cheque in front of her eyes whilst blinking constantly to ensure it was real.
"Keep it down." Apple Bloom hissed. "Now remember this has to pay for Rainbow's treatment, the new barn, your foal's upbringing, Rainbow's wages whilst off from the Wonderbolts, if she's ever able to return."
"Oh I'll return alright, faster than ever." Rainbow gloated in her hospital bed. "Already showed Jackie last night even a missing wing can't slow me down."
Applejack facehooved.
"I really didn't need to know that." Apple Bloom deadpanned. "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is be smart with this money and don't waste it. I know you've got a sensible head on your shoulders sis, although your taste in mares not so much."
"Hey" Rainbow interjected. "That sounded insulting."
"Don't you worry sis we will. Thanks sugarcube for all your help. I couldn't have asked for a better little sister." Applejack wrapped her forehooves around her little sisters neck and pulled her in for a hug, looking deep within her gamboge eyes.
"And I a better big sister. Your foal will be in the perfect hooves when they're born." She whispered in her sister's ear before pulling away.
"Well one of us has to be the responsible one." AJ replied releasing her little sister.
"Hey, I can be responsible." Rainbow pouted behind them.
"That's not your style and you know it. Now scoot, don't want to keep your date waiting." Applejack winked.
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, "It is not a date, just dinner and catch up with a friend I made in Canterlot when I studied here. We'll discuss plans for the new barn tomorrow."
"Sure it is, and I'm the tooth fairy. That also sounds like a great idea, we can discuss it on the train ride back to Ponyville tomorrow. No idea what Big Mac has got up to whilst I've been gone." Applejack chortled, watching her sister trot out of the infirmary before turning back to Rainbow with a knowing look. "Anything else Nurse Applejack can get her patient before she leaves tomorrow?"
*
"Ugggggghhhh, Twilight awoke to a stinging headache. "Sweet Celestia what did I" she remembered the punch. "Oh why do I always put myself in these situations" she mumbled to herself before noticing the pony shaped lump occupying the bed with her. "Oh, not again."
"Mmm, howdy sugarcube." Apple Bloom rolled over and looked into Twilight's deep purple eyes which shot wide open.
"Applejack is going to kill."
The doors slammed open.
"Hey Twi, the guards said you still hadn't risen yet, so felt it was no time like the present. That sun ain't gonna rise itself y'know. Anywho Rainbow's still not fit for travel, but I've got to see how Mac is handling the farm. You alright looking after her till I." She stopped mid-sentence as her eyes fell upon the scene before her. "Twi, you have five seconds to teleport to the deepest, darkest corner of Equestria whilst I go fetch my shotgun."
"Horse Apples" Twilight grumbled.
Author's Note
Okay, this was totally crazy. What was meant as a simple jokey black mail story which ended up taking huge twists left, right and centre. The whole acting scene was written before I'd even thought to change it to a hustle rather than an actual legal case. This was total bonkers.
Throughout I felt there was a bit of a connection between Apple Bloom and Twilight and thus rather than my planned Twilight smoothing everything over ending, I'd chuck in another shock. Apple Bloom is just shy of her 18th Birthday here by a few months. Yes, I understand that is a little creepy and cringy, but I can assure it will make AJ even more madder. Let's just hope this doesn't end the same way as Berry or Twi might be the first princess of Equestria to end up murdered!
P.S. I had some more bad news this evening, so apologies for can't be arsed editing.
