Starswirl the Bearded stood outside the bedroom door for more than a minute, gathering his thoughts while straightening out his long white beard with a comb. It had been one heck of a week for the older unicorn. Not only had the Time Travelers’ League finally accepted him as one of their own, they had also thrown in a nice silver Time Travelers badge and official office coffee mug. They even allowed him to keep his trademark blue robes, as long as he wore his league ID tag at all times while on the job.
“STARSWIRL THE BRDD”, the tag read. (His full title had been much too long to fit.)
And now here Starswirl stood, in the thick of his first time travel mission. (When the league sent you hurtling through time, they didn’t dare tell you what year you’d be sent to. Although given the time period's updated technology and the like, Starswirl was more than positive he was sometime far, far ahead of his own.) All you knew was the mission objectives and that failure wasn’t an option—all of Equestria was counting on you and that was just that.
With a deep breath, Starswirl finally knocked on the door.
“Enter,” the pony inside said. So Starswirl did.
Today’s mission appeared easy on paper: convince the pony that lived at this address that their writing mattered more than they could possibly imagine—not just to them, but to all of Equestria as a whole. History would change forever given what they went on to write.
Sure, the fact that Starswirl’s client was twenty-seven and still lived at his parents’ place gave him some doubt. Sure, add to that the oddly-herbily smell oozing from his room. But were not most geniuses a tad eccentric in some way or another?
“Greetings, young prodigy!” Starswirl exclaimed once inside the room. Like he’d practised in the mirror before, he gave his cape a quick twirl while bowing a tad. “It is I, Starswirl the Bearded! Here to motivate you towards greatness, doing whatever it takes to—”
His words got caught in his throat by what he saw inside.
It was like an explosion had gone off inside a normal teenager’s bedroom. Clothes and leftover food bits littered the floor and bedspread. Potato chip crumbs and crumpled energy drinks as far as the eyes could see. Every inch of wall was covered with a poster of some sort: one of the Wonderbolts, one of a supercharged carriage of some sort, while all others sported numerous beautiful mares in highly questionable positions. Some sunbathing. Some exiting a pool. Even one that had a mare barely hidden behind a towel, thus somehow making her seem much more naked than usual.
“—takes to get… get you motivated and stuff…” Starswirl finish flatly, eventually eyeing up the so-called “world saving writing genius”, who appeared little more than some unshaven, slightly overweight stallion with messy hair and a mildly shocked expression on his face.
“How’d you get in here?” the stallion asked him.
“Your mother invited me in,” Starswirl said. “She even offered up tea and sandwiches, but those will have to wait! I am here for a very important reason. A very secret reason, if you will. Involving time travel? That’s classified. I could show you a badge and an official time traveler’s coffee mug, but time truly is of the essence here, so let us cut to the chase. You… are a writer, yes?”
The stallion seemed puzzled by that. “You heard about my writing? You’re not joking with me?” He extended a hoof. “I’m Honeydew, by the way. Starswirl was it?”
Starswirl received the hoof—rubbing the crumbs off his robe once the hoofshake was complete. “Yes, indeed, Honeydew. And, although I have not had the pleasure of reading your work before, I have heard the impact it makes on the world. And now I’m here to make sure your writing continues. That Honeydew continues. No matter what!”
Honeydew blushed and chuckled faintly. “I don’t actually write under my real name. That would be too embarrassing. I made up a fake name to use.”
Starswirl gasped. “What nobility! What grace! Of course, a writer such as yourself would have no need for fame or fortune. No! Your words were meant for so much more than that. To bring peace to all the land! To unite Equestria and push us into a brighter future! What are mere names to such brilliant future thoughts?”
“Hard D. Cider.”
“Beg Pardon?”
“That’s my alias. Hard D. Cider. I know, I know, dude. Corny, right? But that’s just the first thing that came to mind.”
Starswirl nodded slowly, eventually slapping “Hard D. Cider” good-naturedly on the shoulder. “And a fine false name it is, my good stallion. What pony doesn’t enjoy the merriment of a cold apple cider after a long day of intense philosophy and world ponderance?”
Cider nodded along, clearly lost. “Sure, bro. Whatever you say.”
“So, what seems to be the trouble?” Starswirl asked him earnestly. “What is keeping you from writing? Lack of muse? Lack of challenge?”
Cider shrugged, taking a seat on his trash-covered bed. “Hard to say. I mean… muses aren’t hard to find around here.” He indicated the numerous posters of seductive mares tacked up around the room. “It’s just motivation, really. Plus, my mom keeps making me do chores around the house. And I just get really sleepy around two in the afternoon. You ever have that problem?”
Starswirl ignored most of what Cider said. He had to get to the root of the problem and fast. All of Equestria’s future history depended on it. “Maybe you’re unsure how the public will view your ground-breaking work? I know I’ve caught you rather early in your writing career, but… have you actually shown anyone your work before?”
“A couple friends.”
“And?”
“They thought it was alright.”
“Alright?” Starswirl felt like angrily stomping a hoof to the ground, yet didn’t want to further dirty his hooves. “Merely ‘alright’? Bah! What would these so-called friends of yours possibly understand against a genius such as yours? Despicable! Why, I bet they made it less than two paragraphs into your golden words before—”
Starswirl had to clap his hooves together to get Cider’s attention again. He’d been busy crashing two action figures together while Starswirl spoke.
Although it was completely against the Time Travelers’ League rules, Starswirl knew he’d have to take a bit of a risk here. He asked Cider timidly, “You don’t suppose… I could read a bit of your work, hmm? Just to fully understand how best to motivate you, of course.”
“Sure. Knock yourself out, dude.”
Starswirl expected more of a fight; geniuses could be rather protective of their masterpieces after all. Yet Cider’s latest “magnum opus” smacked Starswirl right in the face without so much as a fuss.
Starswirl used his horn’s aura to flip it open. He smiled immediately as he began reading. “I thought nothing less. A story about Princesses Celestia and Luna? Already writing about the greats? I’m sure using them as stepping stones towards unifying all of ponykind and more. Ah! And now they’re together in Celestia’s bedchambers. I’m sure about to discuss the harsh political realities of their current world.”
Cider went back to smashing action figures together. “Sure, wizard bro. Whatever you say. Just setting the mood for the reader, you know.”
Starswirl didn’t know, so he kept on reading. “Now they’re in bed together. Hugging. Kissing. Hmm.” He paused and thought on that. “I see you’ve taken a few liberties with the royal sisters. But I’m sure it will all make sense in the end. Even a stonehearted unicorn such as myself understands the importance of love and companionship.” He continued reading, getting redder in the face with each passing sentence. “And now they’re… kissing some more. And licking? And biting? Horn licking now? And suddenly Celestia’s pulling a hidden box out from underneath the bed!” He then slammed the book down angrily. “Just what is this filth!?”
“It’s porn, bud,” Cider answered casually. “Incest is wincest, am I right? I thought you knew that.”
“P-p-p-porn?” Starswirl sputtered out as if the very word tasted sour on his tongue. “As in… pony on pony copulation? You must write more than just that dribble, correct? Something. Anything!”
Cider shook his head, messy mane flying. “No, bro. That’s about it. Friends dig it enough. Some even say I have a shot of getting them published if I want.”
Straightening his beard out again, Starswirl got to work looking for more of Cider’s books hidden around the room. “I refuse to believe that. My League would not have sent me here unless there was proper reasoning. You are a writing prodigy and I will prove it!” He then read the titles off more of Cider's books. “To Tame a Dragon. Nope. Plus-Sized Princess. To the garbage bin with you. The Griffin versus the Gloryhole. I truly abhore violence, I'm afraid. Soarin Is Soar. I don’t know who that is, but that’s sad to hear. Fluttershy Eats an Apple. Here! Finally! Something normal sounding. See? I knew you had it in you, Mr. Cider.”
Starswirl opened the last book with the hint of a smile. “And here’s the pegasus known as Fluttershy. And there’s that apple I’ve been hearing so much about. Big Macintosh. Wait. The apple in the title is a pony? And now Fluttershy’s about to eat Big Macintosh’s…” He then closed the book with no smile whatsoever.
“Boring, am I right?” Cider asked from his bed. “Not hot at all. I knew I was stuck in a rut. Nothing seems to be working. Even my three idea wheels aren’t helping anymore.”
Starswirl knew he shouldn’t ask, but his mission depended on it. “Idea wheels?”
“I’ll show you.”
Lazily rolling to the other side of the bed, Cider removed a half-dozen posters off the wall to reveal three large circular charts with a spinnable arrow attached to each.
“See these first two wheels?” Cider explained. “I got hundreds of names and characters on each, so all I got to do is give them each a spin and blam! I got the characters for my next story.”
“And the third wheel?” Starswirl asked regretfully.
“The wheel of fetishes!” Cider exclaimed. “Every last nasty deed that makes a good sex story go round. Go on. Take a look. I dare you, dude.”
With a gulp, Starswirl did just that, his eyes bulging outwards. Some words and acts he understood. Most he did not and never wished to. “Missionary?” he asked softly. “But how can such a religious act be considered a fetish?”
Cider helpfully explained with a whisper to his ear.
Starswirl read off the wheel again. “And… athletic swimming events? What is so perverse about that?”
Another whisper to the ear. This one got a far larger reaction, though.
As if dodging fire, Starswirl leapt across the room and yanked open the door with his aura. He spun back to say, “Curse you, Hard D. Cider! You and your filthy stories! Clearly, this was some kind of mistake. Maybe the real writing prodigy is in the house next door!”
Finally, something managed to get a reaction out of Cider, who narrowed his eyes at the bearded wizard. “Fine. Go on and get outta here, gramps! You just can’t handle it. I’ll show you, though! Now I’ll make sure to get my stories published! You won’t be able to enter a bookstore without seeing my name somewhere!”
Starswirl had no such comeback, so he instead slammed the door as loudly as he could.
Then took a cup of tea and sandwich to go from Cider’s more than pleasant mother.
BACK AT THE TIME TRAVELERS’ LEAGUE
Starswirl’s butt barely touched his office chair before everyone started laughing at him. He grumbled to himself and pretended to fiddle with some papers. When the laughter refused to stop, he shouted out, “I’ll dunk my beard in all your morning coffees for that!”
Nearly every member of the Time Travelers’ League had a long beard of some kind—besides the youngest of the bunch, who settled on a long, curved moustache instead. That particular member pulled a book out from his robes and dropped it onto Starswirl’s desk.
On the book's front was a close-up of Queen Chrysalis in a rather questionable position spread out on a blackened thrown. “To Serve a Queen,” it read. “By Hard D. Cider.”
“Really should’ve asked you to get this signed,” the moustached member said smugly.
Muttering all the way, Starswirl left the laughing group to get a fresh cup of coffee.
One of the other bearded members grabbed the lude book off Starswirl’s desk. “Anyone gonna tell him Hard Cider’s smut actually ends up saving the book industry and pulls Equestria out of a dark age during that time period?”
The moustached member snorted. “Let him cool down first. And, honestly, for a first assignment, he did rather well. Got Hard Cider more than motivated to continue writing, wouldn’t you say?”
The bearded member couldn’t seem to put the newfound book down, hotly flipping from page to page. “Mind if I borrow this? I could sure pull my beard to this tonight.”
