A Salty Story

by RockstarRaccoon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Hippogriffs, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 1143

2 Words: Pickling Bananas.

[ Absurdist Humor ]

So, rather than an actual description, here's the story of why I wrote this: after the Cracfic Panel, Xepher had this big write-off, and I was like, "Hey, that'd be funny to submit a crackfic to as a group!" But the others... They didn't want to do it. So I threw this together myself anyway, and it came out BREATHTAKING.

So here it is, the crackfic I wrote for the Iron Writer competition at PonyFest Online 3.

Published 2020-05-31 03:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-05-31 03:40:01 UTC

Saltwater Day

The beaches beneath Mt Aris were bustling with bushels of ballin’ bros and bro-ettes, all carrying bunches of bananas for the big bash!

It was salt-water day, the day when all the hippogriffs celebrated salt water, the stuff in the ocean, and all of its wonderful properties! After all, they need that water for boating, for fishing, for snorkeling, for growing seaweed, for moonlit walks on the beach, and for hiding from the storm king. Yeah! It’s totally a big deal!

(Ok, actually, let’s be fair, it was just another stupid holiday like they had just about every day because hippogriffs have the attention span of seaponies, who have the attention span of goldfish, and they all get bored easily, and apparently they have a lot of time to kill.)

Anyway, everyhippogriff was there! There was General Seaspray, and Sky Beak, and Ocean Flow, and Stratus Skyranger, and Cobalt Cloudhunter, and Flash Feather, and Flutter Cloud, Terramar, and Haven Bay, and Salina Blue, and Sea Poppy, and Unnamed Female Hippogriff numbers 1 to 9, Unnamed Male Hippogriff, also numbers 1 to 9, and every hippogriff who isn’t listed on that page on the wiki!

Also, Princess Luna was there.

With your mom.

Actually, your mom stood out the most, because she took up more space in the crowd than anyone else there, even Queen Novo.

I’m saying your mother is a visible person, who others make room for.

They were all down by the shore engaging in one of the most hippogriff pastimes there could be, doing one of the many amazing things you can do with seawater: pickling bananas.

They had big barrels of brine, brought briskly from the briny deep by barrel-pulling babooshkas, and into these briny barrels, they barrowed bananas, big and bantam, by the bunch. (Yeah Twilight, beat that banter you butt!)

Each of them was hard at work, cooking the brine, spicing the bananas, doing the pickle things which I totally know how to do and I’m just not going to say here because I don’t want to confuse you. Your mom wouldn’t like that, at least not as much as she likes shoveling pickled bananas into her mouth. Don’t judge her.

Anyway, sitting at the judges table were the five greatest judges they could find: Queen Novo, because nepotism, Princess Skystar, because double nepotism, Princess Luna, because she’s better than your favorite princess, Keanu Reeves, because everyone there likes him better than you, and your mom, because who else is as good st scarfing down pickles?

I’m saying your mother has many talents, and is well respected by the hippogriffs.

“Breathtaking.” Keanu Reeves said stentorian, sonorously, his speech scrambling sonar as he surveyed the assortment of seawater-sloshing aspirants, each of whom sweated and strained as they tried to be the very best, like no one ever was... at pickling bananas.

Silverstream her self surmised the situation so strenuous, she stood up and screamed, “Give me pickle-ty, or give me death!”

They chose death.

So she died.

“Oh. Well that’s no good.” said Terramar, sad that his sister was dead.

He went back to his barrel though, because that was more important. Pickling bananas.

And so our nameless heroes trudged on, except by nameless, I don't mean that they don't have names, or that I don't know them, I just mean that I don’t have time in a 2 hour block to list them all. This show has too many characters. The sun slid across the sky, but occasionally did little loops, because Celestia was like, super bored, sitting at home: she should’ve come with Luna who was having the most wonderful time right now, but she didn’t because she’s not as smart as Luna. Also, her butt is too big. Almost as big as your mom’s.

I’m saying your mom is a curvy woman with a lot of junk in the trunk, a lot to love. She’s often compared to Aprhodite. Either way, you could at least be supportive of all the diet and exercise she's been doing. I'm just saying.

Anyway, the time to pickle was finally up, meaning the time to judge was finally here!

One by one, the judges went through, picking precious pickle-nanas from that pernicious preservative, peeling them, piece by piece...

...and inside the peels were perfect pickles, plentiful, ranging from politely petite and profoundly prodigious.

Every judge gave a multitude of moans as they masticated each morsel by the mouthful. But the most moaning was made by your mom, who moaned more than most, because she’s a real moaner.

I’m saying that your mother knows what she likes and isn’t afraid to show her enthusiasm. It's a trait you should envy, not scorn.

“All of these are Breathtaking.” Keanu breathed, his breath taken from him by all the moaning, “In fact... you are ALL breathtaking. Each and every one of you, working together, for this one simple purpose, for the simple pleasure of pickling bananas. It’s breathtaking. There is no one else like you, no one else as perfect at the simple act of being you, no one else who can do exactly what you do quite the way you can, and it’s breathtaking. And yet, we are all alone in this cold, uncaring, godless universe, bound together by the simple, unbelievable accident that is life. That is why the most important thing is coming here, being together, as all living things truly are, no matter what distance separates us, no matter what sadness or joy we bare, even if we delude ourselves into believing silly things like race, gender, or nations can somehow divide us... We are all one planet, one people, and THAT, is the TRUE importance... of pickling bananas.”

He raised his hands aloft, and began to glow as he rose into the air, “I declare that there can be no one single winner, because every one of you, simply by being here, simply by coming here today and giving it your all, is a winner. Every one of you is a hero. Every one of you is... BREATHTAKING.”

And with that, magic shot from Keanu Reeves hands, pouring out over the crowd, and every single one of them became an alicorn. Even Silverstream, though she was still dead.

It was magnificent! Marvelous! Magnanimous! E-Motional Movement Matching Mastu-oh no wait can’t overshoot the rating.

Look, all I’m saying is...

*sigh*

What your mother and I have is special, and you should be happy that she’s found someone who makes her happy. Now, you don’t have to start calling me “mom #2” if you’re not ready, but you could at least be supportive of it, for her sake.

Jeeze.

Author's Note

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