A Gruff Festivus

by Coyotek4

Rating: everyone
Tags: Griffons, Gallus, Young Six, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2610

Gallus and his friends attend a new 'holiday' event hosted by Grampa Gruff.

Gallus receives an invite from Grampa Gruff to attend a new observance of some sort. He and the rest of the Student Six take the old griffin up on his offer, resulting in a night they likely won't soon forget.

(Based on some events that take place during the Seinfeld episode "The Strike"; a.k.a., the one that introduced 'Festivus' to popular culture.)

Published 2020-05-30 23:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-05-30 23:20:01 UTC

We begin with the Airing of the Grievances … I got a lot of problems with you creatures!

A break during the classroom hours allows the Student Six to relax by the fountain in the courtyard. With the holiday season three weeks away, the conversation turns to upcoming holidays … and those who won’t partake.

“Come with me to the Hive,” Ocellus suggests to Gallus. “You’ll enjoy yourself, and you’ll get to experience the holiday season the way the rest of us do.”

“It’d be weird being the only griffin there,” Gallus dourly replies.

“Well …” In a flash, Ocellus transforms into a teal-colored griffin with pink talons and a red beak. “You don’t have to be the only griffin there.”

Gallus and the others share a laugh, before Ocellus reverts back to her usual form.

“I appreciate the thought,” Gallus says, “but really, I’m better now than I was a year ago. And I do feel bad causing all of you to miss your own celebrations last year, just so you could spend more time with me.”

Smolder responds with a *meh*. “I didn’t miss much … from what Garble told me, most of the dragons’ stories just copied his poetry stylings.”

“Well, Yona look forward to holidays this year. But Gallus still welcome to come with.”

“Same with me,” Silverstream adds.

“Again, thank you all … but I’ll be fine. Besides, from what the other griffins have told me, the Blue Moon Festival isn’t all that great anyway.”

“But still,” Ocellus says, “at least you get time with family. Oh, I didn’t mean—”

“It’s OK,” Gallus insists. “Honestly, you five, and the professors here … you all more than make up for whatever I’m missing from a ‘family’ standpoint.”

“I wonder what kind of family Gabby has,” Sandbar asks as he gazes towards the sky.

Smolder raises an eyebrow. “Where’d that comment come from?” she asks.

Sandbar raises a forehoof and the others look to the direction it points, as the mailgriffin flies straight towards them.

Moments later, Gabby lands beside the fountain and pulls out an envelope. “Gallus,” she says excitedly, “this is for you!”

Confusion spreads across Gallus’s face. “Really? I’m getting mail? From who?”

“Grampa Gruff,” Gabby replies. “Can’t stay, gotta meet up with Spike!” As quickly as she came, the mailgriffin spreads her wings and flies off.

Gallus tears open the envelope as the others crowd around. “You think anything’s wrong with Grampa Gruff?” Ocellus asks.

“There’s a lot wrong with Grampa Gruff,” Gallus states as he unfolds the letter and scans its contents.

“What letter say?” Yona asks.

“Uh, that might be personal,” Silverstream comments.

“No, it’s OK,” Gallus replies. “It’s an invitation for me to come to his home in two days for …” he squints as he continues reading.

“For what?” Sandbar asks.

“For … some sort of new holiday.”

“Wait,” Yona says. “Isn’t Blue Moon Festival in three weeks?”

“It is,” Gallus answers. “This looks like it’s for something different. But there’s no details here. I honestly don’t know what the old griffin has planned.”

“You plan on going?” Smolder asks.

“I … I guess so. This is just so out of the ordinary for Gruff.

“It seems like a kind gesture,” Ocellus states.

“That’s what makes this out of the ordinary.”

Gallus looks up from the letter and turns towards the others.

“Say, I don’t suppose … any of you would be interested in tagging along, would you?”

As dusk falls upon Griffinstone, the buildings become mere silhouettes against the blue backdrop of the sky. Near the entrance to the city, an audible *POP* accompanies a flash as Starlight Glimmer and the six students apparate onto the pathway leading to the city proper. The students bid ‘thank you’s to their new headmare before turning and heading to the city; a moment later, Starlight disapparates away.

“You think three hours is enough time?” Silverstream asks.

“More likely too much time,” Gallus dourly responds. “By at least two hours.”

“Come on, Gallus,” Sandbar replies. “You have to give whatever Grampa Gruff has planned a shot.

“Well it’s not like there’s much else to do here,” Smolder counters. “For better or worse, we’re here.”

“And we’re here together,” Yona concludes. “Yona look forward to celebrating holiday together.”

“But what holiday?” Ocellus asks. “We still don’t know anything other than coming to Grampa Gruff’s house.”

“We’ll get answers soon enough,” Gallus assures as they make their way through the city.

Soon, the group comes to a slightly less dilapidated structure when compared to its surrounding residences. “We’re here,” Gallus says as he cautiously approaches the front door.

The griffin raps the door two times with a closed talon.

He waits for several seconds, then raps it two more times.

“Hold your hippogriffs!” a voice calls out from behind the door. “I’m almost there!”

Moments later, the door opens as Grampa Gruff stands before Gallus. “So, you actually came! I didn’t expect to you take me up on …” His gaze catches the five creatures behind Gallus. “What kind of menagerie is this?”

“They’re my friends,” Gallus states. “I didn’t want to come alone, so I asked if they would join me.”

Gruff grumbles. “Probably should have expected as much, with that ‘Friendship School’ making you soft. Well there aren’t enough chairs around … though I suppose that bug-eyed creature could turn herself into a bench for the rest of you.”

The mouths of Gallus’s friends open in stunned silence. “We can stand,” Gallus plainly decrees. “Can we come in?”

“Yeah yeah, get your flanks or whatevers inside,” Gruff responds. One by one, the students enter the griffin leader’s residence.

Inspecting the main foyer, the students note the décor … or lack thereof. The place looks as drab as any such place would look during any time of the year, save for a lone, metal pole extending from a base on the floor to nearly touching the ceiling.

“Um, Grampa Gruff,” Silverstream apprehensively starts. “Where’s all the wreaths and bows?”

“And why aren’t there any presents?” Sandbar adds. “Actually, why isn’t there any … anything?”

“Why should there be anything?” Gruff responds. “You think we live like you touchy-feely ponies?”

“Yona expect more when Yona agree to come.”

“Yeah, even the dragonlands make more of an effort,” Smolder says.

“Well we’re griffins,” Gruff again responds, not hiding a tone of irritation. “If dragons and yaks and ponies and pony-hybrids want to do more, that’s all up to them.”

“But then why did you invite Gallus to come?” Ocellus asks. “You invited him here, tonight.”

“So I did … fine, then. Take a seat on the floor and I’ll tell you.”

The students do as instructed and Gallus begins:

“Every Blue Moon Festival is exactly the same; the food is always underwhelming, the gifts are always useless junk … last year, as I unwrapped yet another meaningless gesture, after choking down yet another inedible meal, after wishing after five minutes that my family would leave, just like every year … I knew there had to be another way. A different kind of ‘festival’, but without the tawdry crud that comes with such fare. A festivus, for the rest of us.”

“Hey, that rhymes!” Silverstream exclaims.

Gruff shakes his head in further irritation before continuing. “In any case, a new holiday is thus formed … Festivus! No family. No friends. So naturally, I thought to invite you,” he concludes.

“I’m honored,” Gallus deadpans.

“Not that I expected the zoo to come to town,” Gruff states. “But I suppose this will work out well enough.”

“Wait, wait, wait, back up,” Smolder says. “So this ‘Festivus’ doesn’t require any preparation? No decorations? No cooking?”

“You want cooking? There’s a pot of gruel simmerin’ in the kitchen, if you want any of it.”

The students inhale an acrid stench in the air and quickly exhale. Sandbar and Silverstream begin coughing.

“Is that,” Ocellus asks, “supposed to be the traditional meal for Festivus?”

“Tradition’s what you do long after you forgot why you ever bothered to begin with,” Gruff responds. “It’s that or nothin’ … unless you wanna rummage out in the yard for some worms for your bird-fish friend.”

Silverstream turns from one friend to another, trying to figure out who Gruff is referring to while not noticing the others looking at her.

“We had a big lunch,” Gallus states as he turns back to face Gruff. “So no holiday cooking, I guess. And no decorations. Basically, no effort.”

“Why should I put any effort into putting up clutter that I’ll just have to take down the next day? And holiday cooking? What, like some seasonal fruitcake that’ll just get passed around from griffin to griffin like a common—”

“HEY, NOW,” Gallus interrupts. “We get it, no effort. But what about the pole in the corner?”

Gruff smiles at the question; his first smile since inviting the students into his house. He walks over to the pole. “This is the emblem of Festivus. It represents all that this occurrence means.”

“But why pole?” Yona asks. “Why not tree?”

“Oh, so I’m supposed to leave the town, head into the forest, chop down a tree and lug it all the way back just so others can look at it and feel good about themselves? Miss, you’re clearly not understanding what it is I’m accomplishing with this holiday.”

Yona rolls her eyes as Silverstream raises her hoof.

“You think you’re in a classroom? You got something to say, just say it!”

“Well … I mean, the pole is just … a pole. Not even any tinsel?”

“I find tinsel distracting,” Gruff plainly replies. Silverstream gapes and nods as she returns to stunned silence.

“So,” Sandbar starts, “there’s no decorations, no presents, no holiday food, no activities … so what is there to do?”

“Who said there weren’t any activities?” Gruff responds, aghast at the question. “Why do you think I invited Gallus?”

“I’m still wondering that myself,” Gallus responds.

“I think we all are,” Ocellus adds.

“Well to answer your impudent question, yes, there are activities. Festivus is entirely about its activities.”

“Hey, that sounds pretty cool,” Sandbar says. “So what do you have planned? Games? Story-telling?”

“Nah, nothing so pony-related,” Gruff responds dismissively.

“Dragons do stories too,” Smolder corrects.

“Whatever. Now then: We begin this Festivus … with the Airing of the Grievances.”

The students turn to each other in confusion. “I’m sorry,” Ocellus says, “the what?”

“The Airing of the Grievances … I got a lot of problems with you creatures, and now you’re gonna hear about them!”

Gallus turns to Yona and begins his diatribe: “You yaks are all a bunch of belligerent hotheads who’d smash the world into splinters and pebbles if you could.”

“So what point?” Yona asks.

Grumble-sighing, Gruff shakes his head and turns next to Smolder. “Not that you dragons are any better. Life is nothing but one competition after another, thinking that whoever’s got the biggest—”

“You have met Dragonlord Ember, right?’

“The exception that proves the rule!” Gruff responds to Smolder’s comment.

“What does that even mean?” Smolder asks.

“It’s … it’s a figure of speech. Wouldn’t expect any dragon or yak to know what that means!”

“Yona know ‘mean’ when she hear it,” Yona whispers to Smolder.

Gruff continues with Silverstream. “And what are you creatures supposed to be?”

“Uh … hippogriffs?” Silverstream innocently replies.

“Ain’t no hippo I ever see look like that. And if you’re supposed to be more griffin-like, you do a lousy job of it!”

“Well … it’s just a name, right?”

“And a terrible name at that. Just call yourselves sea-ponies, or mer-ponies, or something-else-ponies and save yourselves the embarrassment!”

Silverstream again gapes in silent astonishment as Gruff turns to Ocellus. “At least those creatures got two forms that resemble each other. What am I supposed to make about you bug critters?”

“We changed,” Ocellus plainly responds. “You’d prefer it if we were still lifeforce-eating monsters?”

Gruff pauses for a moment. “I suppose not … but your new forms; so nauseatingly eye-popping. Makes me want to gouge my own eyes out before I succumb to high blood sugar poisoning. You’re just like those sickening ponies now!”

“Guess I see who’s next,” Sandbar murmurs to his friends.

“I heard that,” Gruff responds. “And yes, that brings me to the scourge of the lot of you; you pastel-colored chunks of baked goods, fancy dresses, and parties. The epitome of decadence and entitlement. Princess Twilight thinks she rules the whole world now, just like Celestia did before her.”

“Princess Twilight doesn’t think that at all!” Gallus angrily retorts. “And how dare you call out all my friends like that! What about you, huh! Always looking down on anyone who doesn’t believe what you believe, or think what you think. You’re … the most miserable creature that I’ve ever known!”

Gallus’s friends gasp as Gruff stares down the young griffin …

… and breaks out a smile. “About time someone else got into the spirit of Festivus.”

Gallus shakes his head in disbelief. “What???”

Gruff ignores the outburst and continues: “And now … we move on to the Feats of Strength.”

The students again turn to each other in confusion. Gruff then points a talon at Sandbar. “Come on, you … see if you can pin me to the ground.”

“What? Uh, Grampa Gruff, I don’t think I should be—”

“Don’t got what it takes? You snowflakes are all alike!”

Smolder groan-sighs and steps towards Gruff. “Here, you want somecreature to wrestle with? I’m your creature!”

“Yona your creature, too!” Yona adds as she approaches.

“You saying, you both want a piece of me?” Gruff asks. “YOU GOT IT!!!”

Smolder and Yona advance towards Gruff, but Gallus sprints ahead of both, turns towards his friends, and gently pushes them back as he addresses Gruff: “Hey, thanks for having us but we really got to be going, our headmare is coming to teleport us back to Ponyville.”

Silverstream expresses confusion: “But that’s still two hours—”

“See there, Silverstream confirms it, thanks again for all you did for us but time flies when you’re having fun maybe we do this again next year I won’t forget tonight take care again see you later goodbye.” At his final comments, Gallus herds everycreature towards the entrance and out the door; he quickly shuts the door behind them.

“Let’s head back to the meeting point,” Gallus insists.

“But what do we do while we wait for Starlight to come get us?” Ocellus asks.

“Anything but hang around here,” Gallus replies. Just then, they hear a shout from inside Gruff’s residence: “SERENITY NOW!”

The others nod in agreement and make their way back to the entrance to the city.

“You sure I can’t convince you to join me for the break?” Ocellus asks as they reach the city limits.

“I am,” Gallus replies. He ponders the recent events, and chuckles.

“What’s so funny?” Sandbar asks.

“Just thinking about next year’s Festivus,” Gallus answers, causing the others to turn to him with looks of shock.

“After everything we went through in there,” Smolder asks, “why would you ever want to go back?”

“Well I wouldn’t subject any of you to Grampa Gruff again,” Gallus responds, “but I’ll admit that Festivus does serve one important function.”

“Which is what?” Yona asks.

“It reminds me that every other day of the year is a holiday for me … because I get to spend those days with you.”

To his response, the others embrace him in a large group hug as Silverstream calls out: “IT’S A FESTIVUS MIRACLE!!!”