The Fashionista and her Friend

by aaaa_aaaa

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2276

After some body swapping shenanigans, Twilight falls for Rarity; Spike is not amused.

With the help of some whining complaining, a burning crepe, and eyeliner, Rarity convinces Twilight to switch places with her for a while so she can catapult herself onto the royal scene. She discovers that the royal life isn't exactly what she wanted, meanwhile Twilight enjoys her new body a bit more than expected.

Spike, unaware of the swap, decides to make a move on "Rarity". Whelp.

Rated SSS Teen for Sloppy Surrealism, Subtle Sexual innuendo, Some Swapping Shenanigans, Smoking Stallions, Schizophrenic Style, and Singing.

Not a trollfic, just a romantic comedy cowritten with the ghost of David Foster Wallace and edited by my medicine cabinet.

Footnotes are entirely optional if you hate fun.

Published 2012-09-10 08:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-10 08:24:01 UTC

Kafka's Wine and Dine

Rarity sits at a table in one of Canterlot's finest restaurants, along with Fancypants, Soarin' and Spitfire. It's a standard ballroom-ish restaurant - big tables, red walls and white carpet, golden fringes, and all other sorts of bright (but not garish) colors.

They're supposed to be discussing flight suit deal of some sort and exchanging professional topics and gossip; however the conversation turns to more casual topics - maybe it's the wine, maybe it's everypony's attempt at avoiding death by pretense.

"... and then right after everypony stops offering Twilight favors, Pinkamena speaks up and says, oatmeal, are you crazy?"

Fancypants and Soarin' laugh.

A waiter walks by their table. He's wearing a hazmat[1] suit to protect himself from Spitfire's desert - Tartarus' finest dragon-fire crepes - topped with ghost peppers grown in the radioactive remains of the United Sovereignty of Amarerica, solar plasma (Celestia loves beans), 195 proof Everfree liquor, curry imported from the Realm of Fire's gift shop, and a few (non-airborne) spores of Bacillus anthracis[2] genetically modified to pump out resiniferatoxin. Spitfire's hungry gaze would ignite them if they weren't already on fire.

"Speaking of favors, what exactly did you make this suit out of, if I may ask?" Fancypants says, pointing a hoof at his new suit. It's a light, almost casual brown suit - simply a rarity in a room filled with white and black and cotton and plastic and red and gold and paper.

"It's just inflammable tree bark - hard to find, but my friend Zecora has some trader contacts in her homeland. It's a practical, eco friendly, and stylish, if I may say so myself," Rarity replies. Fancypants nods and Spitfire raises an eyebrow.

"Inflammable, eh? That could come in handy, with some of our flight routines, right Soarin'?" Spitfire asks, winking at Soarin'. Memories of past "flight routines" flash through the excited pegasus' mind. His wings flare and retract for a second, bumping into the waiter, sending the plate flying into the air. The toppings free themselves from the crepe and hit the waiter's NBC suit, fizzling off on impact. The fumes float up thousands of inches up to the ceiling and form into an ionized cloud of fire and death.

The crepe, now cold enough for the electroweak force to separate, lands on Fancypants' new inflammable suit.

Fun fact: Inflammable actually means flammable.

Fancypants yelps as his suit burns and he jumps out of his seat. Everypony gasps for a moment before the gossip returns to important topics such as how this will affect the Zebra fashion market and if hellfire is the new black and is this a sign of a damaged relationship with Fleur especially now that he's hanging around with some Ponyville commoner. The non-eulcidian cloud floats down to catch up on the latest gossip.[3]

Meanwhile, the (now literally) smoking hot stallion rolls around on the pristine, white, imported silk carpet - it's fireproof, unlike his mane. Rarity levitates some red wine out of her glass and splashes him with it.

The fire goes out. She tries to levitate the wine and spices out of Fancypants' coat. A puddle of wine and sauce floats out of his mane, still connected by a thin thread of liquor. Rarity pulls harder - a drop must be stuck somewhere - and the wine flies out of Fancypants' mane, and a drop of wine falls onto the white carpet.

A drop of red wine. Everypony turns around to stare at either Rarity or, more importantly, the spot on the carpet. Several monocles drop on the floor, along with a cat's seafood dinner. Rarity opens her mouth, closes it, and then opens it again.

"Buck."

The Earth pony guards drag Rarity out the door and hold her up in the air. Technically they only had to tell her to leave, but honestly, this is the first time in months that something remotely interesting has happened, let them have their fun. They throw Rarity onto the streets.

She flies like a marshmallow. She doesn't fall like a marshmallow.

The landing tears her dress and covers her with dirt and asphalt. Now Rarity, a lady mustn't cry - she ought to stand up proud, even when all her dreams have been destroyed... Oh, who am I kidding?

Rarity sits down on the side of the street. Her eyes water, and a tear falls down her face, her enchanted makeup absorbing the drops. The guards look at her for a second before turning their snouts up in the air. Bystanders that would have previously begged for an autograph pass by, only looking at Rarity to avoid bumping into her. She sighs.

All of this could have been avoided if only the wine didn't fall on the floor, if only Fancypants didn't catch on fire, if only she didn't have to go through all these hoops, if only she was born/married into royalty.

Somepony taps her on the shoulder.

"Rarity, are you okay?"

Rarity looks up. Twilight Sparkle, one of the most powerful mares in Canterlot, is holding a hoof out to her now-ostracized Ponyville friend. Rarity grabs on and pulls herself upright.

"I'm fine, but thank you dear," Rarity says, smiling. She looks into Twilight's lavender eyes. Eyes that belong to a friend who had stood up for Rarity time after time, even when she abandoned her at her own birthday. With friends like these, who needs fame? Twilight stares back.

Twilight notices that they've been staring at each other for an unusual amount of time. She runs through a mental checklist of possible reasons - changeling possession, spell shock, facehuggers, etc. Then she lifts a hoof up to her face and wipes off an non-existent stain.

"Is there something on my muzzle?"

Rarity chuckles as she takes a mental note to tell Twilight about proper "there's a thing on your face" manners.

"No, darling, you look fine! I was just thinking..."

"About what? Did something happen in the restaurant?" Twilight raises an eyebrow.

"Just an incident with some royal snobs, nothing important," Rarity lies.

"Oh. Okay then. I just dropped off Spike - he's off with Princess Celestia on a quest to find his origins or something - it's his fourth trip this month," Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

"Twilight, you seem unusually casual about this - aren't quests dangerous?"

"Don't worry, it's Spike's familiar enough with his homeland to own a time-share, plus Princess Celestia will keep him safe! After all, she raises the sun every day, how hard could it be to fight off a dragon or two, but then again the Princess is such an amazing diplomat that I would be surprised if it was even necessary to resort to fighting when her hoof-picked words float through the air like her prismatic[4a], glorious, flowing mane; stunning everypony nearby with her literally radiant appearance[4b], her coat and horn reflecting all of her sun's rays ..."

Rarity raises an eyebrow. Twilight paws at the ground.

"So anyway... I'm going to get some hay fries - want to join me?"

Rarity's eyebrow is still raised. "No offense, you always get hay fries - how about we get something fancy like..."

"Crepes?" Rarity's coat turns white(r).

"I'm... not in the mood for crepes, in fact, forget fancy - lets just get doughnuts."

"Sure thing!"

The two trot off to Pony Joe's. Twilight tells a story about how a Diamond Dog[5a] ambassador mistook Celestia well-endowed horn for a weapon a few centuries ago, resulting in the first, and only Diamond War[5b]. Rarity nods and smiles at the Twilight's completely useless trivia and her minds drifts off to useful thoughts.

Who needs fame?

I do.

Specifically, a Nuclear, Biological, Chemical (NBC) suit issued by Equestrian Precognitive Intelligence/Command of the Logistics and Operations League to ensure that the waiter grows up to be a famous movie star and dies of cocaine abuse a year from now instead of dying from hellfire a minute from now.

Called Art-Art-Na-Tarp Ax in ancient Equestrian - this roughly translates to "really itchy sores on arm".

This event will set a significant precedent in legal personhood due to it's future use as evidence of the cloud's sapience in the case of Equestria v. Norman's Chili Peppers Inc.

a. Twilight has a poetry trilogy on Celestia's mane, each book on each a different strand of color.

b. Such vivid descriptions are not contemporary - an archaeological dig of pre-matriarchal cave structures found crude drawings of Celestia with exaggerated sexual features right before the XY-event line, followed by drawings of the Moon and an unknown object (presumed to be a projectile launcher of some sort).

a. Previously the Civil Canines. Celestia didn't care enough to mention this to Twilight.

b. The war killed about 90% of the Diamond Dog population (and zero pony casualties), leaving the rest with horrific (or hilarious, depending on perspective) neurological mutations. Official reports deny any link between these events and the formation of the Crystal Empire two days later.

Freaky/Friday

Rarity gasps and whispers the word Twilight to herself as she wakes up. Nopony else hears her. But why did she say that? Did something happen last night? Her hangover seems to indicate so. She climbs out of bed and looks around.

Twilight's in her bed. And I don't expect that either of us would want something to happen anyway. Rarity runs a hoof through her hair.

Think, Rarity, think! What happened last night? Oh. Right. The fire. Drat, I need to find a way to return to the Canterlot elite... If only there was somepony famous that hasn't disowned me because of the incident...

She paces in front of the mirror, muttering to herself before shouting, "Idea!"

Twilight wakes up. Rarity standing by her bed, with a tray of freshly baked hay fries. She's fully dressed up, makeup and all.

"I brought you breakfast! After all, we are the best of friends, isn't that right dear? And then after this we can go to the spa!"

"Thanks! But isn't this a bit too much? I don't want to impo-"

Rarity waves a hoof. "Nonsense darling, just give me your body and everything will be fine."

What, says a strange loop in Twilight's brain.

"What," Twilight's mouth repeats.

"Don't worry dear, it's nothing important, you just need to cast a body swapping spell on both of us. It's the perfect solution to my problem! And you cast those all the time, right? Just like the time when Big Mac and-"

Twilight coughs.

"That was the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Pinkie Pie working together.[1] And no offense Rarity, I do not cast dangerous, experimental, and/or life-affecting spells on a whim."

"Well then, if an Earth Pony could do it, isn't that a challenge?"

"I'm not Rainbow Dash," Twilight says.

"What would Princess Celestia think of the Element of Magic refusing to cast a spell?"

"Celestia was the one who told me to stop casting powerful spells randomly in the first place, especially spells that I haven't even practiced.[2]"

"Please?" Rarity asks, blinking her eyes, pouting, pitch increasing.

"Rarity, we've been over this-"

"Pleeeeeeaaaaaseee?" asks the quivering marshmallow. Tears drip and bounce off her coat as she looks down, horn slightly below horizontal[3]. Her eyes turn into spheres of sadness, her whining now incomprehensible.

Winnoa has an inexplicable urge to kill something loud, rich, and weak. [3]

"Fine! But for only one day, and don't complain to me when everything goes wrong!" Twilight mutters somethingto he and white coats rself about white horns, grabs a book, flips it to a page, stares at it for a second. Her horn glows red then orange then yellow then green then blue then lavender as it brightens up.

"Thank you!" Rarity yells. She leans over and gives Twilight a peck on the cheek. Twilight flinches and blushes.

"Gah!" A white-hot ball of sparks leaps out of her horn. It whizzes through the air, bouncing from wall to wall. "Rarity, look what you made me do! And as Spike's not here, I have to clean this up - do you have any magical dampeners on you?"

"Yes," Rarity says, watching the magical death sphere as it parties like it's the Era of Depravity[5].

"Alright, can I have one? We need to get rid of this spell before it hits you - there's enough power in it to maintain the spell for weeks, if not months."

Months as Canterlot's most famous mortal pony? As Applejack would say, Buck yea!

Rarity jumps into the spell's way. Twilight yells at her.

The ball of sparks hits Rarity's body and bounces off towards Twilight and bounces back to her and bounce to Twilight and Rarity between lavender and white and diamond and stars and then a bright light that knocks them unconscious.

See OPSEC Notice #847 for details, assuming that they still exist in this timeframe.

To be fair to Twilight, she did practice the Want It, Need It spell beforehoof.

A horn below horizontal whileowing was a sign of casual reverence in old Unicorn tribes. Rarity picked as up while practicing the scene between Princess Platinum and Commander Hurricane in a draft of the Hearth's Warming Eve play. Said scene was dropped after Celestia's report on her lineage as well as the infeasibility of spontaneous zygotic fusion.

Her ancestors were bred during the Frozen Wars to attack Unicorns at their weakest. Unfortunately for the rebells, genetics doesn't work like that.

See the last footnote of chapter 5 for more info on the Era of Depravity.