Ponies Don’t Do It For Me…and Here’s Why

by NinjaMare

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3051

Anon gives a brief lesson why he, and some other humans, might not hook up with ponies.

Twilight and her friends go and try to figure out what attracts male humans, but when their human friend Anon gives them a brief lesson on his thoughts about the idea, the ponies get sad. poor ponies.
-now while there is Sex in the Tags, there is no sexual themes, or activity in this fic, except maybe nudity of some kind but noting more.

Authors Notes - June(06)/21/2020.
-hey everyone, i just went over this fic and edited it and change somethings around that not only bothered me, but some people who have read it. hopefully this new version is slightly better.

Published 2020-06-01 15:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-01 15:40:01 UTC

Anon Educates the Mane Six

Author's Note

This fic is supposed to be the view point of an average guy, who gets sent to Equestria, and doesn’t see the ponies as sexually desirable. And for the ponies, I’m visualizing the stock vectors of the show, NO, fanart, as the ponies can be portioned in ways to make them look sexier.

Anon Educates the Mane Six

Anon was just enjoying a peaceful day in Ponyville, or at the very least he is trying, and hoping that today is going to be a peaceful day. With NO crazy whackey, stupid, sing-along, adventure or bullshit. It’s only been six months since Anon was spirited away to Equestria, thanks to a certain purple unicorn trying to come up with a new way to teleport vast distances, was already craving to go back home to Earth. At least there the worst thing he’d had to worry about was being evicted from his apartment…the apartment that hasn’t received it’s rent pay.

“Oh god I just realized…I’m six months behind my rent.” Anon groaned as he slumped in the bench, already imagining his landlord already throwing all of his belongs into the garbage, or just selling it.

“If Celestia doesn’t find a way for me to get home soon, I’m going to be royally pissed off for the remainder of my life here. I spent twenty plus years on that planet, making memories, living there, and having a life!" Anon quietly grumbled to himself as he rubs his face with both hands.

“Anon!” Groaning again, Anon looked up to see a very happy, and enthusiastic Twilight, Pinkie and Rainbow Dash, coming his way. With Applejack, Rarity & Fluttershy following behind them. Ever since he was brought to Equestria, those first three ponies have been the bane of his existence.

Twilight was a nice mare, when she wasn’t obsessing over her research about humans, from biology, to history, and everything else. Now, it wouldn’t be to bad, if Twilight didn’t tend to have these, moments, where she get’s to enthusiastic about learning about humans. One time Twilight got to into learning about human physiology, that she practically stripped him, and she probably would’ve done more…if Spike didn’t come in to stop her by breaking the odd mood. Total little bro that dragon.

Pinkie Pie was just a mad mare that Anon could deal without. She’s always acting like she’s over-caffeinated, while on crystal meth, and off her medication. Seriously this mare never shuts up when she get’s talking, especially when she starts to ramble about nothing. Also her voice tends to grow in volume and in pitch, to the point where she sounds like a squeaky toy, honking into a fog horn. Plus the way she just pop out of nowhere, screeching at the top of her lungs, and just ignoring Anon’s personal space…this mare has become annoying video game enemy number 1.

Rainbow Dash is not as bad or as annoying as Pinkie Pie. But this mare really likes to stroke her own ego, like she’s giving it a hand job…or hoofjob. Oh god that sounds painful, a hard bulky thing trying to wrap around something that, despite getting stiff and sturdy, is still a soft piece of meat that can get hurt. Any way! Another thing that Anon doesn’t like about Rainbow, is her constant barging, but mostly that she has to keep up a stupid image of her being a cool person, Anon just found it annoying and childish. The only ones of this specific group of ponies that don’t annoy him, were Applejack, Rarity & Fluttershy.

Fluttershy is to kind-hearted to be overbearing or annoying, but she does tend to constantly apologize, especially when she didn’t do anything.

Rarity was also a good pony, prim & proper and has helped immensely when it came to getting new clothes, and all she asks in return is for advice in human fashion.

Applejack was Anon’s favorite pony, really wholesome, down to earth—most of the time—and she really knows how to cheer somebody up. As the group of ponies got closer to Anon, the human sat up straighter on the bench and waited for the ponies, who were either coming to ask him for help on another bullshit adventure, or just to ask about humans or earth.

“What is it that you want this time girls, because if we have to do another one of these ‘Friendship Lessons’—”

“Actually we’re here to ask you a question, about humans.” Rarity said, cutting off Anon’s little rant before he really gets into it.

‘Well at least it’s not one of their crazy adventures.’ Anone thought to himself as he sits up straighter on the bench. “Alrighty then, so what do you girls want to know this time.”

“We actually want to know how humans mate.” Pinkie asked excitability. Although the moment those words came out of the pink ponies mouth, and entered in Anon’s ear, and tried to downloaded into his brain…he had a system error.

“…I’m sorry I don’t think I heard that probably.” Anon said as he cleaned out one of his ears.

“I said we wanted—”

“I was being sarcastic Pinkie!” Anon half-shouted causing the pink pony to snap her mouth shut. “Why do you wanna know about humans mating anyway, I’ll probably be the ONLY human any of you will ever see!”

“Well because some mare’s around town, and among'st us, actually find you pretty fetching.” Applejack explained. “So we figured that if we learn how humans court one another, then maybe one of us might strike yer fancy?”

Anon just sat their on the bench, looking at the six ponies in front of with…it was unclear if it was a flat board expression, or a dull straight face look. It was actually kind of throwing the ponies off their game. Even with Anon being in Equestria for as long as he has, they’re not exactly capable of reading his expressions very well, unlike him who seems to be able to read their expressions like an open book.

“…you girls, or whatever other mare, want to learn how to court a human…in order to get into a relationship with me?”

Anon asked slowly, making sure what the ponies said to him, was what he actually heard. The six mare’s nodded, except Fluttershy because she was trying to hide her own blushing face with her mane, so she couldn’t move her head that much. Anon just sighed as he rubbed his face with a hand.

“Look girls, I’m flattered by this, really I am…but I just…” Anon tried to come up with a polite way to phrase his words, but ultimately decided to be blunt and honest.

“You ponies just don’t…do it for me.” when Anon said this, the six mares looked hurt, shocked, and baffled.

“And why’s that, you got something against ponies or something?” Rainbow challenged as she got closer to Anon, but he just placed a finger on her snout, and gently pushed her back.

“Look, I think you mare’s are cute and adorable, even an idiot can admit to that. But in order to be courted, or go into any romantic relationship, there needs to be a level of attraction. Which is usually physical, rather than personal.” Anon quickly raised is hands up in a defensive posture as he saw four of the ponies about to go into a fit.

“Now, now, I understand that sounds like an poor excuse, but wither you like it or not, there has to be some level of physical attraction for the sparks to, well…spark. I mean when you look at someone you don’t automatically think to yourself: ‘Hey I wanna date you and eventually get down and dirty with ya!’. People are biologically designed to fine anyone they want to be with to be physically alluring, woman want strong tough looking guys with ripped bodies, and guys want girls that are curvy, well-endowed and gorgeous. Because that’s what initially causes people to venture out and take a chance of striking up a relationship…however…” Anon said before taking a moment to catch his breath after that long winded explanation.

“You ponies…just don’t do it for me. plus there’s the whole species thing that humans just don’t get over like, that.” Anon said as he snapped his left fingers. “I mean sure, you have characteristics that make you similar to my people, and for some that’s enough, but others aren’t so fast to change their perspective on this type of thing so easily.”

“So…how come you’re not attract to mares, on a physical level?” Twilight asked Anon, genuinely curious on how a human views physical attraction towards ponies, which was part of her ‘How Do Human’s Mate’ thesis. Anon rubbed his chin for a bit, before an invisible light bulb popped in his head.

“Hey Twilight, can you magic-up a white board, or something that I can draw on?”

“Of course!” Twilight said eagerly, before igniting her horn and creating a whiteboard that is hovering in this air. “This is my idea board, it helps me when I need to visually see what it is I’m studying. All you need to do is think of whatever it is you want to draw, place your hoof—or in your case hand or finger—on the board and it will appear.

“Alrighty then.”

It didn’t take Anon to long to come up with an image of a human woman, naked in fact to help sell his point home. Once the image in his head was made, he placed his right index finger on the board, and the image of a tall mild-build Caucasian woman with moderate portions, wavy blonde hair, and blue eyes appeared on the board. The ponies were honestly surprised to see how a human female looked, especially when compared to Anon’s own body design. Unlike humans, ponies virtually have the same basic body shape, regardless of gender, and while there may be subtle variations in portions, ponies genuinely share the same body outline and structure.

“Alright girls, THIS…” Anon announced as he pointed at the woman on the board. “Is what a human woman looks like. Noticed anything in particular?” each of the ponies looked the woman over closely.

“She’s certainly a lot more, curvier, than you are darling.” Rarity said.

“Hips and thighs are nicely shaped to.” Applejack said, a little jealous of the soft looking legs, compared to her stockier and muscular legs.

“What are those big things on her chest?” Rainbow asked as she looked closely at the human females chest.

“Those are called breasts, Rainbow. Their basically the equivalent of a mares teats, but…of varying sizes.” Anon said.

“Any way girls. As you can see, human females are more curvaceous then male humans, and basically evolved to entice men. And some of them know how to really work the crowds with their looks.” Anon said gleefully before imagined an image of Rarity on the board, although she was standing up on her hind legs.

“Now for the purpose of this demonstration, we’ll use Rarity for this presentation. You don’t mind don’t you Rarity?”

“Not at all Anon.” Rarity said, curious to see where this would go.

“Well as you can see here, when you look at a human female and the image of Rarity side-by-side, standing up, do you noticed any difference?” the ponies looked up the board, and almost immediately, they did notice something different.

Even though Rarity takes great care of herself, and is considered one of the prettiest and attractive mares in town, when placed next to a human female…the stark contrast in their bodies is apparent. While the human female body has curves to her body, a slim mid-riff & wide hips, a mare like Rarity…just looks like a cylinder that narrows a little the higher you go. Another thing the ponies noticed was the difference to the subject’s teats. The humans teats were at least as big as melon, but Rarity’s teats looked barely bigger than an orange. Rarity was feeling a little insecure by this fact, not just because she has a smaller bust, but the fact that the female human looked far more inciting. And it was honestly making her feel a little jealous, and frustrated.

Anon then imagined the two figures on the board into various poses, each doing the same pose, but the ponies faces blushed as they watched the female humans body shift, and turn, and having her body develop new views of her body. Like how she’s sitting on her knees with legs spread out slightly, body slightly curved back to accentuate her chest more, while she has her arms behind her head fluffing out her head, while looking at the group with a sultry expression.

When the ponies looked at the image of Rarity perform the same pose on the board, they admitted that Rarity did look very alluring…however her body structure just didn’t have that same level of allure, that the human does. Which only made the fashionista even more frustrated.

“Now girls I’m going to show you something else.” Anon said as before imagining the rest of the ponies on the board.

Anon then had the images of the human be on all fours like the rest of the ponies. And in this position, the human female was barely bigger than the ponies, granted she was on her hands and knees. The images then spun around so the ponies were looking at the images flanks, of course the ponies tails were obviously in the way, but the tails were removed to give un-obscured views of their rears. And when the ponies saw the humans butt when in this pose, it kind-of looked like a heart, or an upside down peach. As appose to the ponies flanks, which just looked like a simple archway with a slight curve to it. Of course each mare had their own characteristic to their flanks.

Twilight & Fluttershy’s were the most normal looking. Applejack had the more broader because of her muscles. Rarity’s were a bit more curvier but not as much as the humans, but pretty close. Pinkie Pie had the more bigger flanks, a testament to the amount of sweets she eats, and as for Rainbows flanks they were slim and lean looking. Another thing the ponies noticed was that they have a thicker labia, and their tail hole was more prominent than the human females.

“As you can see girls, this is basically the only thing you mares have going for you. Your butt and lady bits that’s on full display. Especially when you’re tails swishing around, or being flagged or just simply having somebody look at them from the side.” Anon said as he removed his finger from the board, erasing the images on the board.

“And considering that I don’t find normal equine genitals on Earth enticing, kind of shows you why I don’t find pony posterior enticing either.”

“Not only that, but you mares don’t really have anything else that could attract me.” Anon said as his final statement as he looked at the girls, who all looked a little downtrodden, but also a little miff to learn that Anon finds them as appealing as a animal in his world.

“This was just a big waste of time then.” Rainbow grumbled as she kicked the ground.

“So, Nonny, you really don’t see ponies as attractive like you see human girls?” Pinkie asked, hoping that there might be a sliver of a chance. Anon just shook his head, causing the pink mare’s mane to flatten slightly.

“Then again, this is just me.” Anon said as he placed one of his feet on his knee, and leaned back into the bench. “If by some, cosmic miracle, that another human does get whisked away to Equestria, he—or she—might be more open minded than me.”

“Or they’ll be one of those weirdos on the internet. Then you might have a chance, but unfortunately girls, I’m not into ponies. Sorry.”

And at that precise moment, Celestia teleported right next to the group, a big fat old looking book held in her magical aura, with a pair of cute red glasses perched daintily on her muzzle.

“Anon I finally found a way to send you home dear, however I do need something from you.” Celestia said as she re-adjust her glasses.

“Sweet baby Mary Jane that is great Celestia, I could kiss ya!” Anon said as he jumped up from the bench. Celestia leaned her face forward, lips slightly puckered. “Ugh…Celestia…I was joking about the kissing part.” Celestia pouted before going back to the matter at hand.

“Well despite my heart being broken, as I just said a moment ago, I need something from you in order to make this spell work.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?”

“I need a fluid sample from you, so saliva, blood, semen, anything should do.” Celestia then levitated a small black stone, with some kind of rune etched expertly on the smoothed out surface. “You need to put the sample on this stone.” Anon wasted no time in hacking up a small dollop of spit on the stone, causing the mares to ‘bleh’ slightly. Except Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

In a matter of moments, Celestia began channeling magic into the stone, and then a moment later the stone exploded and created a swirling black portal. With the image of a decent looking apartment building in the center. Anon jumped in excitement, and gave the princess a great big hug, and did give her a kiss on the cheek, before leaping through the portal and skidding to a halt in front of his front door. After the human jumped through the portal, the ponies watched the portal close and just disappear into the ether, Celestia finally noticed her student and her friends were there with her.

“Oh hello girls, how are you today?” Celestia asked the six mares, who all still looked slightly down.

“…we just got finished being explained why Anon doesn’t like ponies, in a romantic, or plausible sexual manner.” Celestia asked Twilight what does she mean, and the unicorn just gave the same explanation, using the same images, on the image board. And now even Celestia is slightly depressed. Poor sunbutt.