Hi. My name is Cheerilee. On the surface, I probably don’t seem like a very interesting pony to tell a story about. After all, every day of my life has been the same for me for the past five years. Well, not exactly the same of course, but very similar.
What happened five years ago, you may ask? That was the day I got my job as the primary teacher at Ponyville Elementary School. You probably already knew that that's my job. After all, all of Ponyville knows that. In fact, for most ponies, it's pretty much all that they know about me. So you know that’s my job, and you know how much I love it, but did you know that five years ago, I almost didn't take the job offer?
I'd dreamed of being a teacher ever since I'd gotten my cutie mark. Heck, I’d wanted to be a teacher so badly, I'd even gotten my degree in just one year, which is considered quite a feat. But back then, there'd been a certain special somepony who'd almost convinced me not to teach. He'd given me something that at the time, seemed like it would be more valuable than my dream. Love.
But enough about that. I'm not here to tell you about a stallion that I loved five years ago. I'm here to tell you about a stallion that I love right now.
So, as I was saying, every day has been the same for me for the past five years. Every day, I've gotten up at six thirty am, gotten ready, picked up a quick breakfast on my way to the school, taken my lunch break at a table by myself, finished the school day, and gone home to gather my lesson plan for the next day.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, ‘Jeez, talk about a boring and predictable life.’ So, I’ll admit that I may have exaggerated a bit. There were some unique things that I did. On the weekend, I’d occasionally sleep until seven, and sometimes even bake cookies. I had school fundraisers, school field trips, student recitals, parent teacher conferences, and a few times, Princess Twilight Sparkle herself would ask me for a favor. Pretty exciting, right?
But the violation of my usual schedule that I remember most vividly was two years, seven months, and four days ago. That was the day that, against all of my better judgement, I’d fallen in love for the second time in my life. I’d been trying to convince myself all throughout the past two and a half-ish years that I didn’t actually have feelings for Big Mac. I’d told myself that it had just been some remnant of the love poison that my most troublesome students had given me on Hearts and Hooves Day.
Deep down though, I think I always knew that it was more than that. I had admitted to myself even then that I’d at least had some feelings for him. I couldn’t deny that I suddenly bought apple cider more often when I didn’t really want it that much, or that all of the birthday desserts that I purchased for ponies turned from cakes from Sugarcube Corner to apple pies from a certain handsome stallion. Basically, I was taking every chance I got to see him and talk to him. I kept asking myself if I would really still be thinking about him so long afterward if it was only because of some potion-gone-wrong. But, until just a few minutes ago, I’d pushed that thought to the back of my mind, ignoring the logic behind it.
You want to know what happened a few minutes ago? Fine, but you need to be patient. I need to give a bit more of a precursor before I tell you that.
I was teaching a class on a regular Friday afternoon. My students, specifically Apple Bloom, were being particularly rambunctious. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get them to stop whispering amongst themselves, and I could tell that none of them were listening to me.
Finally, in the middle of an explanation about physical magic vs non-physical magic, I relented.
“Apple Bloom, is there something you’d like to say to the class?” I asked politely. There would be time to finish my explanation later today. Apple Bloom’s eyes lit up.
“You sure you don’t mind, Ms. Cheerilee?” Apple Bloom asked hesitantly. I sighed. As annoying as they could be at times, I loved children.
“Not at all. But make it quick, okay?”
Apple Bloom bobbed her head up and down excitedly, and stood up. It was obvious that she could barely contain her glee.
“My big brother is gettin married!” she said loudly, practically floating on air.
I was shocked. Mortified. Big Mac was getting married? Who was he marrying? How had I not known about this? I saw him several times a week!
Miraculously, I was able to finish teaching the day's lessons without throwing up, but I think my students could tell that I wasn’t myself. I didn’t congratulate Apple Bloom about the news, and I didn’t have the strength to be as patient with my students as I usually am. I just followed my lesson plan in a more monotone voice than my usual one.
After what seemed like an eternity, I finally finished the school day. I had been planning to go straight home as usual, but I just couldn’t do it. I wanted to see Big Mac. I wanted to demand an explanation from him, but I also desperately wanted not to care. So, being too heartbroken to go home, but too stubborn to go see Big Mac, I simply sat on the school’s front porch in a daze. I don’t even know how much time passed while I was sitting there. Maybe it was ten minutes, or maybe an hour. I wasn’t really paying attention to the time. I just felt… Numb.
Then, the strangest thing happened. Big Mac came to the school. It was so unexpected that when I first saw him, I was sure that I was hallucinating.
“Well hi there Cheerilee,” he said in his annoyingly charming southern accent. He had some apple pies in a large, wooden cart behind him.
I said nothing. I was already holding in my tears, and I was sure that if I opened my mouth, I would either scream or cry, and I didn't have much interest in doing either.
"You okay?" Big Mac asked worriedly.
“I’m great!” I said in a horrible imitation of my usual cheery voice.
Big Mac locked his cart in place and walked over to sit beside me, staring up into the clouds just like I had been before he arrived
"Wanna talk about it?" he asked. I took a deep breath, trying to gain composure. I’m not sure if I sounded put together, but based on what I actually said, I probably sounded absurdly jealous.
“So, how are the wedding preparations going?”
If he thought I sounded resentful in any way, I couldn’t tell from his response. He gave an infuriatingly lovey-dovey smile.
“Good,” he said dreamily.
I rolled my eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. My happy facade didn’t just go away. It shattered into millions of ugly, angry pieces.
"Did you ever really even like me?" I asked accusingly. Big Mac looked taken aback for a moment.
"Huh?" he asked. If I was irritated before, it was nothing compared to how irritated I was then.
"You asked me out didn't you? Did you ever even like me, or did you just ask because Apple Bloom and her friends wanted you to?"
My tone was atrocious. It’s a good thing Big Mac is so difficult to offend.
Big Mac's eyebrows drew together in confusion.
"You mean Hearts and Hooves Day? Wasn't that three years back?" he asked.
"No," I snarled.
"It was two years, seven months, and four days ago."
Big Mac looked at me questioningly. I looked down, my already naturally pink cheeks flushing even darker with embarrassment.
"Roughly…" I muttered.
Big Mac showed no signs of being uncomfortable at my strangely exact remembrance.
"Didn't you say no? Something 'bout us being too different to work out?" he asked gently. I rolled my eyes again, even though on the inside, I was cursing myself for throwing away my chance with this practically perfect stallion.
"And you actually believe that?" I asked in the most condescending voice I could muster.
Big Mac took a moment to consider.
"I don't know to be honest, but we are pretty different. Ain't you a few years my senior?"
"I'm younger than you," I said venomously. It was a miracle that I wasn't screaming at him.
Big Mac looked genuinely surprised at this piece of information.
"But haven't you been teachin for four or five years already?"
"Yeah. I graduated from college and got this job when I was eighteen.”
His eyebrows rose a bit.
"Wow. You're parents raised you well," he said. If I hadn't been so angry at his choice of words, I might've noticed the clear sadness in his tone at the word, ‘parents’.
"No they didn't!" I snapped at him, the tears finally coming to my eyes. Big Mac jumped at my sudden outburst, but he didn't say anything. He waited patiently for me to explain.
“Sorry,” I said quietly. I stared at the ground, trying to hide my tears, but I couldn’t hide the fast-growing puddle directly under my face. I brushed my bangs away from my forehead to reveal a small scar.
“I wouldn’t call the ponies who raised me ‘my parents’. Nevermind genetics. They… They hurt me,”
The pain of the scar itself hadn’t been present for many years, but the sting of the memories it brought with it would never disappear.
Big Mac looked at me with sadness in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I don’t want your pity!” I yelled at him. Then, I cried. At that point, I didn’t even know how I felt anymore. I shook with ugly sobs. Big Mac didn't even cringe. He continued to sit next to me in support.
Finally, I calmed down, but tears were still streaming down my face. I looked over to Big Mac, suddenly realizing how horrible I must have looked. The small bit of mascara I'd put on was probably all over my face. Not to mention having a breakdown like I did, in the middle of the afternoon, on the porch of an elementary school, probably made me seem like I was crazy.
If he did notice those things, he certainly didn’t show it. When I saw his nonjudgmental expression, I let out a humorless laugh.
"You're just like him," I whispered.
"Who?"
"Just somepony I knew when I went to school. I always used to vent to him about things," I said.
"What was his name?" he asked tentatively.
"Compass Point," I answered quietly.
"He was the only one that I ever felt like I could talk to about things. Especially my parents."
I'm not sure how, but I was at the same time hoping that he would ask what happened, and also desperately wishing that he wouldn't.
"What happened between you two?"
Of course he did.
"My parents were mad at me because I'd stayed out after curfew. I was on my way to the doctor to get some pain medication when-"
I paused for a moment, not sure if I could continue.
"-I ran into him. He saw me, and said that he'd had enough, and that he was going to confront my parents. I…I tried to tell him not to, and then we argued and he pro...promised me that he wouldn't. I didn't really be...believe him, but I didn't stop him. I was just s...so angry that I g... guess some part of me wanted him to give my p...parents what they deserved."
I paused again to let out a few more sobs.
"But when I went home from the d...doctor's office, there was a f...fire at my apartment building, a...and he was still in there..."
My next words were barely discernible between my jarring cries.
"He only went there because of me! I could've stopped him b...but I didn't! Now he’s gone and it's… It's all my fault!" I screamed.
If only I had never told Compass Point. If only I had just focused on teaching, and not gotten involved with him, or anyone else for that matter.
Big Mac grabbed me urgently by my front legs, forcing me to look at him. But between the tears clouding my vision and my confession clouding my mind, it was not Big Mac that I saw staring at me. It was Compass Point.
"Cheerilee, it was not your fault. You couldn't have known."
Then I blinked, and he was Big Mac again.
"I know I'm not Compass Point, but if you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here.”
I smiled at him, relieved to have finally told someone my secret. But then I remembered, and my smile turned into a defeated expression.
“What would your fiance think of that?” I asked bitterly.
“It ain’t like that,” he said vaguely.
I don’t know why I did it. I was a total mess, and he hadn’t specified what he meant, but at that moment, I pulled him in and kissed him.
I’d thought about doing it of course, but thinking about doing it and actually doing it were very different. Maybe it was just because it was the first kiss I’d had in five years, but it felt special and sacred somehow. It felt… Hopeful.
He pulled away, looking down at the ground guiltily.
“That’s… Not what I meant.”
My face went red. I had never been as embarrassed as I was then.
“I’m sorry,” I said shamefully.
“No need to apologise,” Big Mac responded, his already naturally red face somehow becoming ten shades darker. An awkward silence followed.
“So um… What exactly…” Ugh! Why couldn’t I have just asked what he meant?! Curse my hesitation!
“Uh-" Big Mac started. Several seconds passed, and for a moment, I thought he wasn't going to finish.
"I don' usually talk much. I like to be more of a listener, but I guess… I guess now might be a good time to make an exception."
I stared at him expectantly. He exhaled audibly.
"I did like you when I asked you out back then. I liked you a lot, and for a while. In fact, you're prob'ly the only reason I never got together with Marble Pie. But, then I met Sugar Belle, and I fell in love with her. I really do hope you find what you had with Compass Point and what I have with Sugar Belle, but… I can't give that to you."
That was not a great moment for me. Not because my heart was breaking, or because I screamed and cried, but because I understood. I knew what he was saying, and it made sense to me. I definitely wasn't happy about it, and it will probably be a long time before I am, but I supposed that it wasn't his fault if he didn't love me.
A tear or two ran down my cheeks, but these tears were different. They weren't crazed and angry. They were just sad and accepting. I leaned in towards Big Mac and gave him a hug.
"Thank you," I said.
Now, as I'm walking back home after a much more emotionally draining day than I'd been expecting, I realize that what I told you before wasn't exactly true.
Maybe I am here to tell you about a stallion that I loved five years ago, but the truth is, the stallion I loved five years ago is also the stallion that I love now. I still love Compass Point, even though he's gone, and I always will.
Yes, me and Big Mac used to have something romantic. I definitely liked him, but I don't think I ever really loved him. I didn't really know him well enough to love him. I loved all the little things about him that reminded me of my first love.
I realize now that I can't live as if I don't have problems, because I do. I've had problems my whole life, just like everypony else. I also know now that I need to talk about what upsets me even though Compass Point isn't here anymore. I have ponies like Big Mac that care about me enough to listen to my issues, even if they're not in love with me.
And even though I still love Compass Point, that doesn't mean that I can't find somepony else. I want to start fresh, and find a love that's different from my first, instead of looking for the comfort of what I've already known.
It's funny how you can spend five years never changing, and yet it only takes one short moment to start over. I know that I probably won't seem as happy to ponies around me, but the kind of happiness that I have now comes from hope and acceptance, rather than denial and fear.
I know Big Mac won't be the love that I spend the rest of my life with, but I'll never regret our kiss. It was the moment that I put myself out there, and one rejection or one loss won't stop me from trying again anymore. I hope that I will never again be in a place where I've given up on new love.
So now, I'm starting a new chapter. It seems far too soon and yet also far too late to move on from Big Mac. Our kiss will always remind me to keep trying. I'll always remember our first and last.
Author's Note
Hi bronies and pegasisters! I was originally going to write a really basic CheeriMac fic, but I noticed that Cheerilee's character has always been pretty one-dimensional, and I really wanted to give Cheerilee some more depth. This is what I came up with, and I really hope you enjoyed it! If you did, make sure to leave a thumbs up, and feel free to comment with any critiques, thoughts, or speculation. Thanks again!
