“Pharynx, what the buck is a lesbian?”

by BezierBallad

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Pharynx, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1567

Pharynx is forced to explain a certain subject to a certain little nymph. Celestia help him...

After an awkward moment with Ocellus and Smolder, innocent nymph Flutterwings has been having a rather... odd question on her mind.

Unfortunately, she goes to poor Pharynx for answers.

Poor unlucky Pharynx.

A “Meet The Change Gang” side story.

Co-written by Mlphero

Featured 5/3/2020 - 5/4/2020!

Fanfic Reading by Skijarama!

Published 2020-06-03 05:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-03 05:30:01 UTC

“Is Ocellus pulling my leg or what?”

“Pharynx,” a small voice asked from out of the blue, “what the buck is a lesbian?”

Pharynx nearly spat out his honeysuckle tea across the table as soon as he heard that question. He stared in awe at the young purple nymph, who sat at the table in front of him. He looked at her while she stared at him with a curious gaze.

“...What?” he uttered after a moment of silence. “Come again?”

“Didn’t you hear me?” she asked with a slightly irritated tone. “I just asked what a lesbian was.”

Pharynx swallowed. “Uhh… Flutterwings, where’d you even hear that term?”

She smiled. “Well, I heard Ocellus talk about meeting her special ‘somecreature’ a few hours ago…”

Flutterwings silently watched as the icy blue changeling pace the stone floor of her bedroom. She tilted her head in confusion as she watched the changeling trot back and forth. “Hey… Ocellus?” she asked.

The changeling looked over. “Flutterwings?”

“You look like you’ve lost a book or something.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not that, it’s something else.”

“Oh, you’ve lost something else then?”

“I didn’t lose anything. I’m waiting for someone.”

“Hmm…” Flutterwings blinked, scratching her head. After a while, her eyes lit up. “Ohhh, I get it!” She then smiled a bit before asking, “Is Headmare Twilight planning a diplomatic visit?”

“Heheh, not yet. Besides, I think Thorax handles that,” she said, smiling. “I’m actually talking about my—”

“Ooooooh! Is it your special ‘somecreature’?” Flutterwings asked excitedly.

Ocellus’ eyes bulged. “...H-How’d you know?” she stuttered, a blush forming on her face.

Flutterwings stared for a while. “I uhh… wild guess?” she said, sheepishly.

The pair of changelings soon heard footsteps, and they turned to see a young orange dragon standing at the doorway of the bedroom, her arms casually folded.

Ocellus smiled. “Smolder!” she greeted, jumping up and buzzing her wings and throwing her hooves around the dragon, capturing her in her embrace.

Smolder grunted. “Oof… glad to see you too,” she wheezed.

Flutterwings blinked. “Hey… Smolder?”

Ocellus smiled. “Yep. This is Smolder. I thought my special somecreature would never get here!”

“Oh? Your special somecreature arrived?”

“Yes! This here is my special ‘somecreature’!”

“That’s great!” Flutterwings smiled, before gazing around the room. “So uh, where is he?”

They stared at her. Heck, Ocellus looked like she was kicked in the gut. Hard. “Uhh… Smolder IS my special somecreature,” she informed Flutterwings.

Flutterwings stared with her jaw agape. “Is she a stand-in?”

“What? No. She IS my special somecreature. She’s NOT a stand-in.”

“...Is this a joke? Because I don’t get it,” Flutterwings said while sweating.

“...Why would it be a joke?”

“Because… um…” Flutterwings thought for a second. “Well, I’ve never seen two girls together like… this.”

“...”

“I mean, I have nothing against you guys. I’m not mad, I’m just… confused. Like, how does this work? Is there some sort of… uh…” Flutterwings started fidgeting with one of her pigtails, trying to find proper words.

Smolder sighed, pinching the bridge of her snout with her claws.

“...Something tells me I should leave now,” Flutterwings said. “At least until I know what the heck you two are talking about.”

Smolder rolled her eyes. “Yeah. Come back when you learn the definition of… you know… ‘being girl crazy.’”

“‘Girl crazy’?” Flutterwings scratched her head.

Ocellus sighed heavily. “She means ‘lesbian,’ Flutterwings.”

“Yeah, at first I thought she said the words ‘less beans.’”

“‘Less beans’? What are you even talking about, Flutters? And what was with Ocellus and Smolder again?”

“Well, apparently, they’re each other’s special somecreature.”

Pharynx blinked. He tried to comprehend what he just heard. Wait. I don’t believe it… Is Ocellus a…

“So, I only have one question. What the buck does she mean by ‘lesbian’? Is it in a dictionary or something? I mean, I wanted to see if it was or not, but I figured it would be better to ask you about it.”

Pharynx froze like a cow in headlights. “Uhh… a lesbian is a uhh…” He tried to think of how he could say it. “You see… the thing is… uh…”

“Yeah?” she asked, leaning closer, an anticipated smile slowly creeping its way onto her face.

Pharynx started sweating. “Well uhh… it’s when uhh… two females like each other…” he said, cringing as he did. “Like, romantically like…”

Flutterwings tilted her head. “So… when two girls like each other… it’s called… lesbian?”

“Look, why are you asking me about this?” He asked sternly. “Shouldn’t you be asking your brothers? Or… or better yet, my brother?”

“I’m not asking them. I’m asking you.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t trust your brother to give me a straight answer. And my brothers said ‘ask Ocellus’ but she’s pretty occupied with Smolder, so—” Flutterwings’ rambling came to a screeching halt. “Wait…” she uttered. “You just suggested that I should ask Thorax, right?”

“...Obviously.”

“...So is Thorax a lesbian then?” she asked, her lips curving into a smirk.

Now, it was Pharynx’s turn to freeze. Again. “What? No! He’s straight!”

“Is he? Like I said, he never seems to give straight answers.”

“Th-That’s not what that kind of ‘straight’ means, kid!” Pharynx smacked his forehead. “There’s two types of straight. The one we’re talking about means a boy likes a girl, okay?”

“Um… okay,” the nymph replied. “I didn’t even know the whole ‘girl dates boy’ thing even had a term for it.”

“Well, believe it or not, it does.”

“So… basically, anyone who dates the opposite gender is as straight as an arrow, but if they date their own gender, they’re... curvy?”

“Er… No. Unless you’re Tempest Shadow of all ponies, then yes, you’re curvy as buck.”

“Uhh… what?” she asked, staring at him blankly.

“N-Nevermind,” he said as his face went as red as his antlers.

“...You’re straight too, aren’t ya?”

He blushed even harder. “Of course I am! W-Why wouldn’t I be?!”

“Well, first of all, you’ve actually seen Tempest’s freaking body figure?”

He nodded. “Well, yeah! Who else had to talk to her about the crazy changelings who were playing ‘ring toss’ by throwing donuts onto her horn!?”

“...Wait, you said she was curvy, right?”

He blushed again. “Y-Yeah. W-Why?”

“Well, she has been close to Twilight Sparkle since her redemption, so it would make sense.”

Pharynx went from blushing to frowning. “What are you saying? That she’s lesbian?”

She nodded a bit. “Yeah. You said it yourself. Lesbian is when a girl likes another girl. That means they’re not straight. They’re curvy.”

“That wasn’t what I—” Pharynx banged a hoof against the table in frustration. “If she was dating the Princess of Friendship she would’ve told me, Flutterwings!”

The nymph slightly jumped at the sudden gesture. “Uhh, why? Are you two friends or something?”

“No. I-I mean yes. I mean…” Pharynx blushed yet again. “Th-That’s not the point, okay?!” He flusteredly covered his rosy face with his forelegs.

“Uhh, you good there?” Flutterwings asked, lifting her eyebrow in mild concern. “Pharynx...?”

“I’m… fine.”

“Okay then...”

Pharynx looked at her, sighing heavily. “What else do you want to know?” he asked tiredly.

“Uhh… I guess… hm...” she thought for a few moments, putting her hoof to her chin and leaning against the table. She looked at Pharynx. “I think... that’s it.”

Pharynx felt a wave of relief crash over him. “Is it?”

“No, wait…”

Pharynx looked at her like she was going to hit him with a train. “...What?”

“Are my brothers straight?”

Oh, sweet Chrysalis… Pharynx should’ve seen this question coming. “Er… which brothers?”

“Well…” She thought for a second. She went through each of her brothers one by one. “Well, we’ve seen Venom Stinger hitting on Thistle, but I’ve never seen them actually date.”

“Well, what about the others?” Pharynx asked.

“Cricket Cluster usually acts weird around this quiet earth pony called ‘Marble Pie,’ that’s for sure.”

“Are they a mare? Or a stallion?”

“Of course she’s a mare!”

“Okay. Probably a straight guy.”

“I think Spiny and Scorch are pretty neutral… Is there a neutral?”

“Oh. Pfft. Of course not,” Pharynx remarked. He looked at her. “Well, I don’t think, but yeah. They’re probably straight.”

“So you’re basically saying everyone’s born straight? Unless they decide not to be straight anymore?” Flutterwings asked.

“That’s debatable. It’s sorta of… uhh… you know. Really, it’s all based on the creature's decisions. I can’t… I can’t really explain it, actually.”

“Oh.” Flutterwings looked at him. “Well uh… what else?” she asked. “Is there anything else? Anything we missed?”

Dear Celestia, I hope not… He looked at her. “N-No. I believe not.”

“Well, that was interesting actually!”

Pharynx looked at her with surprised eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah, I liked it. Heck, maybe I should talk to my brothers about it.”

“Uhh, okay.” Pharynx wiped his forehead. “Whew. So, I guess that’s it then? No more questions.”

“Actually, I have one more thing to tell you about.”

Please, Chrysalis have mercy on my soul… He took a breath. “Yeah?”

“Well… I came across a group of changelings, and they heard about you and Venom…”

“Er… okay?”

“They thought it was cute whenever you guys were having another one of those ‘arguments,’ so I just thought that it meant you guys were—”

Good grief, no…

Pharynx immediately put a hoof to the nymph’s mouth. “Stop, stop, stop, stop…”