I’m so worthless. Just an empty void that manages to take up space. A black hole that sucks everything around it towards its epicenter. That darkness that I hate in myself, that’s all there is. I can’t get rid of that. Desperately, so desperately I’ve tried to get rid of it. Why is Rainbow even my friend? I’m so pathetic I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve anyone.
Cold. It’s so cold. I’m not shivering though. In a way it comforting. Sitting in the rain, letting the cool water slowly suffocate me. Maybe that isn’t so bad. Maybe dying this way is just what I deserve. Just a pathetic girl dying in the rain. I wonder if anybody would be sad at my passing. It doesn’t feel like it. I’m so ugly, so disgustingly wicked on the inside. Nobody could ever love a vile creature like me. I certainly don’t love myself. I’ve tried, so very very hard to love myself. No matter what I’ve done, it never sticks. No amount of pretending or convincing has ever changed my mind. I’m rotten pure and simple. That’s just who I am. To my core I’ve never been anything else. For so long I’ve tried to delude myself otherwise.
My phone vibrates in my skirt pocket. I don’t know why they bother. Death is the best outcome for everyone. I can’t bother anybody any longer when I’m dead. The suffering will be over, and really they’ll all be happier. Rainbow won’t have to pretend to be my friend anymore. She won’t have to bother with walking with me to and from school everyday. She can finally be with the people she likes. This is the best thing for her. The best thing for everyone.
The buzzing doesn’t stop. The phone falls to the wet grass, and I see who’s calling. Rainbow. Why? Why would she even care? Yes, I didn’t walk home with her today. Yes, it was raining. So, what? Couldn’t she just cut the act even for once? She could just go home. She could be with her family. She could play with her pet turtle. Why wait for me when she could go watch a sports game on tv? Or play a video game, or do literally anything else. Bizzare. So very very Bizarre. Please, Dashie, don’t worry about me. I’ll just go find a nice quiet place to die. And it’ll all be over. Nobody has to worry about me anymore. It seems like that will be the only way to ever really end this.
Standing causes a pain in my sore legs. And the phone is still buzzing. Picking it up shows that Rainbow has called me at least fifteen times in the last ten minutes. It’s sad. So very very sad. If only I could just die. This could all be over in an instant. The rain won’t kill me, I’m cold but I suppose it won’t even give me hypothermia. No, there has to be something else. What else could I do?
I’m at the park right now. Which is about a mile away from the high school. There’s a bridge going over a traffic heavy street a few blocks from here. It’ll have to do. A gory body to clean up isn’t ideal. But it’ll all be so much better when it’s finally done. The suffering will finally be over.
Walking hurts, and even though it isn’t far I want to quit. Just giving up would be so much easier. But I’m already giving up anyways, so I can at least put in this much effort. The rain is so cold, it stings on my skin. Why did everything have to hurt so much? Why did I have to be so pathetic?
The cement grinds into my knees as I fall. Tears mix with the rain water as they fall. So pathetic. I can’t even kill myself properly. I’m such a loser. Rainbow really never could love me. I so desperately wanted her to love me, as a friend, for so long. What a waste. She deserves so much better than a pathetic loser like me.
“Fluttershy!” someone shouts. Footsteps slap across the wet sidewalk as they get closer to me. Please go home. Please don’t waste your energy on a pathetic creature like me. Just let me die. Just let this all be over with. Let it end. I’m begging you, whoever you are, just go home. Let the suffering stop. For me, for you, for everyone. Just let it go. Please.
“Fluttershy!” It’s Rainbow. She drops down in front of me, and she pulls my head against her chest. Her heart is racing, and she’s breathing rapidly. “What the fuck, why are you out here in the rain? I was so worried when you didn’t walk home with me. And then your parents called and said you weren’t at home either. What’s going on? Please tell me.”
Her voice was pleading, and I push away from her, wiping away my tears. “It’s so hard, Rainbow. It’s so very hard to even want to get out of bed in the morning. I hate school, I hate school so much. I just wanna die every time I see myself in the mirror.”
“What?! Don’t say that! You’re my best friend, Fluttershy! You have no idea how much I love you!”
“No!” I cry. “No. You can’t love me, nobody can. I’m just a pathetic loser you only became friends with out of pity.”
“I became friends with you becuase I liked you!” Rainbow was crying now. “Please, Fluttershy, I don’t know what’s wrong! Please tell me.”
“I just wanna die. I just want all this pain to go away. It’ll be so much better than. I won’t have to suffer anymore. I won’t be a burden for anybody ever again.”
“No! You’re not a burden to anyone! Especially not me! I enjoy walking with you to school, Fluttershy. I love spending time with you. I love you, you’re my best friend. Your parents love you, our other friends love you. I’m sure even our teachers love you, Fluttershy. So many people care about you ever single day.”
“You can’t know that! You can’t say that! You don’t know how I feel!” Rainbow pulls me in for another hug, and this time she doesn’t let me go.
“You don’t need to. And right now you can’t. I’m gonna call an ambulance, Fluttershy. Right now you need help. And I’m not the one that can give it to you. But I promise no matter what happens I’ll be waiting for you.”
I struggled to break free, and I whaled as she took out her phone and called for an ambulance. Her face was sullen, and she seemed genuinely scared. I do love her, and I guess she loves me. It still hurts so much. And I don’t know if that pain can ever go away. But I want to try. I want try for nothing else but for her. I want to see Rainbow Dash smile at me again. I want to hear her say she loves me, and I want to feel that love. And I want to say I love her.
THE END.
