Author's Note
This is not meant to be relevant to [current events]. i swear. That was just unfortunate timing. And maybe i should have held off from publishing, but who cares, right?
Riding
Rarity merrily whistled to herself as she walked up to the pair of guards. Then she kicked one in the face, took hold of his spear with her magic, and jammed the tip in the other's flank.
"Rarity, what the fuck!?" yelled Twilight Sparkle in shock.
"Too fucking late Darling, high frequency radiation from the cosmic reaches of space has infected me and now I am a Rider of the Revolution!" the unicorn answered as she donned the first guard's golden armor. "Also holy fucking shit I look smoking hot in this thing!" She twirled around, shaking her hips. "I should have stolen a guard's armor ages ago!"
"Rarity, what the fuck?!" Twilight repeated, standing still with her mouth agape and staring at her friend.
But Rarity was already running away. "I'll strike with iron will!" Twilight heard her sing before disappearing beyond a corner.
Understandably confused, the purple alicorn teleported further ahead to follow her friend.
"I cannot forgive!" Rarity half sang, half shouted, as she struck another confused guard and stained the carpet with his blood.
"What the fuck is going on?" a guard asked from the end of the corridor, running closer to the Element of Generosity and also 'stabbing ponies with a spear for some fucking reason' apparently, but hesitating, once he noticed it was indeed Rarity that brandished the weapon and butchered song lyrics as she struck with it. He would never dare hurt her beuty, who else's pictures would he jack off to if she got a scar?
"I don't fucking know!" Twilight answered, she too uncertain of what to do. Rarity hurting ponies was definitely bad, but she did look damn fucking hot in that armor and watching her get sprayed with the blood of her enemies would give the alicorn plenty of material to jerk off her magic futa cock she occasionally gave herself.
"Could somebody do fucking something please?" Rarity jammed her spear in the neck of the guard who was probably getting an erection based on the way he was looking at her, then threw herself on the ground to roll around in blood and soil her mane and tail with it. "I'm gonna look so fucking hot once I'm done with this shit," she said. "Well, anyway, I'm out of guards here," she added, getting up. "On to more overkill feeding!" she yelled, charging forward into the next corridor.
Twilight stood motionless there, like a dumb fucking pinball protagonist who has no effect on the story and takes no real action and is just waiting for the next cue to go to where stuff is happening so she can provide a point of view while not really having any significance to the plot beyond being there. And then she teleported in the direction Rarity had gone to because of course she fucking did what else did you think she was gonna do?
"Have you gone insane?" a guard yelled.
Rarity stabbed him. "Either that or I'm fucking wasted on alcohol, or maybe high. Or both. Or fuck maybe I'm all three I don't fucking know."
"Rarity, stop!" Twilight screamed.
"No." Rarity pouted.
"Rarity, stop!" Twilight repeated.
"No." Rarity pouted harder.
"Rarity, stop!" Twilight said once more.
"No." Rarity pouted at her hardest.
"Well shit, I'm out of options." Twilight sat down. "Woe is me and stuff." She placed a hoof to her forehead, and leaned back. "Rarity, how is it you do the couch thing?"
But Rarity was already running down the next corridor.
With a disappointed frown, Twilight teleported to follow her again.
"Twilight, what the fuck?" screamed Celestia as she saw Rarity take out her guards one after the other with incapacitating but non-lethal wounds.
The white unicorn kept deflecting and inflicting blows with her spear, dancing through the hallway with the grace of a swimming swan and the majesty of a flying eagle as she expertly fought against the most talented guards Equestria had to offer sans Shining Armor, who was busy cheating on his wife in the Crystal Empire. Cadance was okay with it though. She got off on hearing him have sex with other mares in the room next to hers, and she was the one who'd talked him into it in the first place.
"Why are you angry with me?" Twilight asked towards Celestia. "She's the one who's going around like a madmare with a spear."
"Yes, but you brought her here." Celestia moved her very long neck to the side to avoid a splatter of blood going in her direction, without moving her cake-fattened rump from the throne in any way. "She's your responsibility."
"You're the Princess of this country! She'd your responsibility, not just mine!"
"Why the fuck do you think I made you the Princess instead, dummy? Did you get fucking wasted and forget the coronation yesterday? Did you beat your head too hard when you tripped?" Celestia looked down and the ponies carrying her throne on their shoulders. "A little to the left, please."
One of the guards, lying on the ground with blood spilling from his neck, looked at the naked form of Celestia, without her crown and collar. "Yo, why the fuck your neck so long anyway?" he asked.
"To deepthroat horsecocks," Cadance answered, before taking another sip of her tea. Cadance was there too i guess. She's like on the side of the corridor, watching shit go down or something.
"Celestia, please, I need your help!" Twilight whined. "I cannot stop Rarity on my own."
"Oh, fucking heck. Rarity?" Celestia gave a nod towards the bloodied unicorn. "Rarity, please stop."
"Oh okay." Rarity dropped her spear and lay prone on the ground, whistling to herself. "I still look smoking hot wearing this though, right?"
"You do," Celestia agreed.
"She do," agreed the guard on the ground.
Everyone either walked away if they could or was carried away. Everyone but Cadance, who said she would stay behind to clean the blood.
When everyone had gone away, the pink unicorn dropped her teacup, which shattered. "What they don't know is that I have fooled them all!" she sang. Then her head, which was actually a mask, fell down and also shattered. And lo, there attached to her neck was a mirror in its stead.
