"Won't Somepony Just F**k Me Already?"
Princess Luna stood inside Discord’s living room with a faint tingling in her chest. Not only had the complicated journey to the draconequus’ dimension/home been filled with much adventure and confusion, the very reason she was there had only added to the alicorn’s slight trepidation.
It appeared in a newspaper ad as plain as day.
Wanted: A Good Fuck.
Urgency Level: Desperate.
And below that stark cry for help was a black-and-white photo of Discord himself with visible tears in his eyes, begging on his knees with his mismatched hands clasped together. Luna had originally passed it off as another joke, but after thorough investigation, and after arriving at Discord’s place, she’d realized he’d meant every single word of it.
Luna took a deep breath. “You ready?”
Like an excited colt right before Hearth’s Warming Eve, Discord sat on the couch before her, claw tips softly clacking away on his legs. “Oh, boy! It’s been so long, Luna. I really can’t thank you enough for agree to this.”
“Do not thank me yet, Discord.”
“Is it gonna be brutal?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Will it hurt?”
“Undoubtably.”
“Should I soundproof the house?”
“Considering it is only your house located in this particular dimension… no. But that does not mean I shall not have you screaming for mercy before our time together comes to an end.”
“Splendid!” Discord happily clapped his claws together. “When do we start?”
Luna only smirked. “But I already begun, my poor dear.”
“Oh?”
“Do you recall the half-dozen or so books you borrowed from Twilight Sparkle’s personal library?”
Some of Discord’s original glee vanished at that. “The Complete History of Potato Salad? Why, yes, I recall those books. Why?”
“Returning them might prove difficult this time around, I’m afraid.” Finding a groove, Luna casually strolled around the living room as she spoke, like some amateur detective grilling a new suspect. “Considering they’re currently located somewhere on the moon.”
“Luna. You bitch!” Discord snapped. “Most of those were already overdue! And I hadn’t even finished that Potato Salad book. Things were just heating up!”
“Even if you do manage to get those books back, I made sure to dog-ear most pages.”
“No!”
“I even bent the spines so hard, some titles became difficult to read.”
“Curse you, Luna! You know Twilight will never forgive me for that! Do you have any idea just how big the moon is?”
Luna chuckled coldly. “I do, indeed.”
“Well, I sure don’t! Is it… is it bigger than my head?”
“Just a little. But I’m sure if you spent the next ten years combing the moon’s surface, you might find one of them.”
On the couch, Discord used a paper fan to cool himself down with. His face was bright red already. “I might be okay, actually. Twilight is the Friendship Princess, after all. I’m sure if I buy her some new books—”
“But what of Twilight Sparkle’s friends?” Luna asked smugly.
“What did you do to them?”
“Not I, Discord. But you. Poor Rarity. Did you hear about the rumor that spread around Ponyville thanks to you? Word is that you called her ‘fatter than usual lately’.”
“Lies! Slander! Oh, Luna you spicy bitch! How ‘bout this? Perhaps, I was merely calling her the ph version of phat! As in hip and in style!”
Luna shook her head. “A-ph-raid not, Discord. And word is that Rarity is heartbroken by it.”
Discord slammed a fist into the couch. “And here Rarity and I were just starting to become something between acquaintances and friends! You know how it is. The type of friend you wouldn’t want to be alone with, but with one or more other friends, it’s perfectly fine.”
“Fluttershy is next,” Luna informed him gravely.
“No! Too far, Luna. Too far! Fluttershy and I are like peas in a pod. Or… ice cream and mustard. Take your pick.”
“Not after she learns that a rather Discord-like individual has deliberately stepped on sweet Angel Bunny’s soft tail and run off.”
“More lies! Fake news! First off: Angel Bunny is not sweet. Secondly… that’s it? That doesn’t seem so unforgivable in Fluttershy’s eyes.”
“Let me finish. You stepped on his tail… with a house. A fully-furnished one, at that.”
Discord growled, sweat leaking down his temples. “Luna. You saucy bitch. Fluttershy will be mad at me for weeks over this!”
“But let’s not forget about Rainbow Dash.”
“Who? Oh, right. The rainbow-colored one. Now what did I supposedly do to her to piss her off?”
Out from nowhere, Luna unfurled a rather official looking scroll that she held out with her aura. “According to this document, you passed a new law in Ponyville outlawing manes and tails with more than two color schemes. Each extra color now comes with a hundred bit fine.”
“You monster! You maniac! Take the Rainbow out of Rainbow Dash? But that’s all she’s got! That’s like taking the cheese out of grilled cheese! Or the extra-large stick out of Celestia’s rear!”
Luna chose to ignore Discord’s latest jab. Instead, she held a hoof up to her ear like a makeshift phone. “Yes, hello there. What is that now? Discord’s done what to beloved Ponyville resident Applejack?”
Still on the couch, Discord hotly crossed his arms over his chest. “Just great! What did I do this time? How has the great Discord fucked up now? Did I burn down Applejack’s farm? Push dear ol’ Granny Smith down a Stairmaster? Change Big Mac’s only word choice to fuck and shit just for giggles?”
Luna got off her fake “phone call” to explain. “They are telling me you sat on Applejack’s trademark hat by mistake.”
At that, Discord sank to his knees in front of the couch and wailed. “Oh, Luna! You cold, heartless bitch! The agony! They’ll run me out of Ponyville for this! I can’t take it no more! It hurts! Please, make it stop!” He then quickly quieted down to add softly: “Please continue.”
“Next up: Pinkie Pie,” Luna informed him savagely.
“The innocent Ms. Pie?” Discord lamented. “Not her, too. I always thought ourselves as kindred spirits in a way. One a lover of chaos. One a lover of fun. Oh, what nasty deeds has befallen that lovely, perky mare?”
“Nothing.”
“Beg pardon?”
“Twilight Sparkle and four of her friends have now been hurt by you. Which leaves Pinkie Pie the only one untouched. Meaning…”
Discord finished the sentence for her, rather regretfully. “Meaning she’ll go on to think that I’d forgotten all about her and she wasn’t even worthy of my time! The horror! Luna, you gummy worm eating bitch! You’re killing me here! I’ll have to stay inside forever and never go out!”
Luna stopped her pacing to level a hard hoof at the overwhelmed draconequus. “Now who said anything about your home being safe from my wrath?”
“You…? What did you do?”
“Recall how I asked you to play outside for an hour before we got started?” She laughed richly at that. “Oh, all the traps I set! The machinations now in place, ready to be let loose! Itching powder in all your favorite wigs.”
“Big deal.”
“A random one of your shoes filled with small rocks and now one-size too small.”
That one got more of a reaction out of Discord, spit flying from his lips as he trumpeted, “You even know how many shoes I have? Seven! It’ll take me minutes to check them all!”
“That tea you offered before? I threw away the coaster the moment you gave it and set it on the table anyways.”
“Luna, you bitch full of trail mix. Does your evilness know no bounds?”
“Your toothbrush upstairs? Who is to say it did not enter a pony hole recently that toothbrushes were never meant to enter?”
Instead of getting more steamed, Discord actually smirked at that. “Pish-posh, Luna. Everypony knows there are no bad holes on a pony.”
Luna went silent for a moment, blinking a lot. “For clarification, I stuck it up my nose. Just my nose. Moving on. You enjoy whoopee cushions, Discord dear?”
“They’d take away my chaos license if I didn’t.”
“Because around your house, I have hidden several dozen whoopee cushions, just waiting to be sat upon.”
“And here I thought my house was perfect already. I hereby take back one bitch comment.”
“I highly doubt you will find these particular whoopee cushions as much fun as regular ones. All these ones do is provide proper etiquette advice. Go on and give one a try. Sit a bit further to your left, if you’d be so kind.”
With a sigh, Discord did just that. And the moment he did…
“Always remember to use a napkin during mealtimes. Maintain eye-contact while somepony is speaking with you. Always wash hooves before leaving the washroom.” Princess Celestia’s voice sounded slightly muffled, hidden somewhere within the couch.
Discord grumbled to himself once the whoopee cushion finished. “Bored in my own home? How terrible. At least Celestia doesn’t hate me. I think?”
“Yet,” Luna said, throwing a small silver object Discord’s way.
With trembling claws he picked it up and studied it. It was a beautiful silver fork—now bent in all directions. “Oh, heavens no! Is this…? Could it truly be…? Celestia’s official cake fork! Ruined beyond repair?”
Luna nodded. “The very one and the same.”
“But how is that even possible? I heard a half-dozen guards protect it day and night?”
“They did. Until they all somehow became overwhelming drowsy all at once. And, sadly, you know what is directly across the hall from Celestia’s official cake fork room? Canterlot’s very own Waterbeds Throughout the Ages Display.” She shook her head gravely. “Over a hundred years of waterbed designs left out in the open? Those poor, tired guards never stood a chance.”
“Still! How would Celestia even know it was me?”
Luna merely glanced at the bent fork again. Discord did the same.
Carved into the fork handle was: DIZKORD WZZ HEAR. NOT SORREE.
In anguish, Discord violently chewed on a knuckle. “Luna! You rough-and-tumble bitch! You even spelt my name right! Boy am I screwed now. Oh, Celes—” He paused for a moment, pondering what he’d just said. “And now I can’t even use Celestia’s name in vain anymore. There’s no way she’d allow that after all this. Who else can I use in vain? Oh, Brian, how much worse can it get? Wait. Could I just get Celestia some flowers again? That seemed to work before. Oh, Susan! You really fucked me over hard with that one, Luna.”
Luna raised a menacing brow. “Then get ready for this last one, Discord. What if I were to tell you about a rumor that spreads to every last corner of Equestria? A particularly silly rumor concerning the image of a bright pink flamingo tattooed to your rump?”
Discord instantly waved it off. “Don’t be absurd. You and I both know there’s no such thing located there.”
“I know that. And yet… all of Equestria managed to dream of it last night. How vivid, it was. How real, the colorful image seemed. I’m sure the next time you’re around, ponies will have no choice but to see if their dreams were actually a reality.”
The sweat on Discord’s brow grew cold—his face pale. “Ponies everywhere… staring at my derriere? But… my butt’s my one weakness. My horrifically flat behind.” He pointed a sharp claw in Luna’s direction. “Luna. You cold, calculating bitch. You of all ponies must know I hate that part of myself the most!”
Luna was honestly surprised by the reaction to something so ridiculous. “An all-powerful chaos god cannot snap himself a larger buttocks? I find that truly hard to believe.”
Solemnly, Discord shook his head from side to side. “The one curse that all draconequui must live with. Absolutely no junk in the trunk whatsoever.”
After a rather awkward batch of silence between the pair, Discord looked up at Luna with a small grin. “So, that’s it? That’s all there is to it? That wasn’t so bad, all things considered. All my friends hate me. Celestia hates me. All of Equestria will be trying to study my butt for decades to come. But, hey! At least my coffee company’s still going strong!” He caught himself, mouth agape. “No, wait! Forget I mentioned it!”
“Oh, yes. As if I almost forgot.” Luna playfully scratched at her chin with a hoof.
“What did you do to it, you oodles-of-noodles bitch?”
“I am afraid your coffee bean company, Dis-Cocoa Beans, will more than likely be going out of business soon. The reason? Every second bag of decaf has now been replaced with derp-caf beans. A coffee so strong, it causes the users eyes to swirl for hours at a time.”
“But… but I put my last ten bits into that business!” Discord sputtered out. “I will never financially recover from this. I’m absolutely ruined! You hear me? Game over, Luna! Game over!”
Rising to his mismatched feet, Discord angrily stormed around his living room and kitchen, throwing furniture, dishes, and whatever else he could grab around the place. As he did, his face got redder and redder, and soon little pockets of steam began escaping out his ears.
He began yelling out all the ponies that would go on hating him for months to come.
“Celestia… Twilight… Applejack… the rainbow one… I didn’t do anything to Shining Armor, but I’m sure I forgot his birthday at some point!”
After a solid two minutes of pure destruction and rage, Discord more-or-less popped like a balloon and eventually deflated back onto the living room couch. He panted for breath, covered horns to hoof in sweat.
“Thanks…” he wheezed out. “Thanks a bunch for that, Luna. That… that was wonderful. I haven’t been royally fucked over like that in years. I’m completely screwed. I’m gonna be paying for all this indefinitely. I've just been fucked infinity and beyond. And I love it. I'm in so much trouble. You definitely have a natural talent for this type of thing.”
Luna wasn’t entirely sure if that was a real compliment or not, so she said nothing.
Discord then asked suddenly, “Since we’re still doing stuff we haven’t done in years, care to have actual sex with me?”
Luna hesitated, before giving a shrug. She pulled an hourglass out of nowhere and gave it a glance. “Fine. Since it has been years myself... and since I do have five minutes before I must get going.”
Discord gleefully slapped his hands together. “Splendid! Five minutes? We can do it twice and still have time for milk and cookies. By the by. What’s your favorite position? Mine’s shortstop. You can play catcher, alright?”
He then slapped a sports helmet onto Luna’s head as she remained as still as a statue.
Discord asked her playfully, “Ready to play ball?”
Author's Note
Reenactment of Discord trashing his house.
A story idea found in that rare space between awake and asleep. Perhaps it should have remained there... Also, first story using the "Profanity" tag. What's next? Sci fi? Porn? Disgusting adventure or drama?
