A quiet and sunny day, a few weeks after Princess Twilight Sparkle’s ascension to the throne of Equestria.
Celestia, the white alicorn, former ruler of the free world, was sitting in a rocking chair on the veranda of her new home: A cozy little house at one of Silver Shores’ beaches. Even though Celestia and her sister Luna were still settling in, she finally started to relax and enjoy the calm and freedom of her (probably infinite) retirement.
After more than a thousand years of hard, grueling work and bitter sacrifice for all her little ponies, she totally deserved it. I mean, like seriously, Celestia dammit!
Right now, however, the white mare was not calm, but eager, since a special visitor was about to arrive. Celestia looked at the clock, which was almost striking 3pm. Just a few more seconds.
She mumbled a quiet countdown.
“Three… Two… One…”
ZAP!
A bright purple flash of magic appeared in front of Celestia, revealing the new supreme ruler of Equestria, widely grinning like a small filly.
“Princess!” Twilight Sparkle shouted, jumping at her former teacher and hugging her.
Celestia giggled motherly and immediately returned the hug.
“Oh, Twilight! I missed you, too.”
She gave the smaller purple mare a playfully scolding look.
“What did I tell you about using my former title?”
Twilight grinned sheepishly and blushed.
“Oh, sorry Pri… I mean… Celestia! I was just so focused on being punctual. I nearly missed our appointment by more than a second! That would have been a disaster!”
Celestia rolled her eyes.
“Yes, considering our experience with disasters, this is proportionally equal to those past ordeals.”
Twilight blushed even more.
“Yeah… I’m still getting used to not freaking out.”
Her former mentor chuckled.
“Don’t you worry too much. Anyway, how’s it hangin’?”
A little irritated by Celestia’s new use of language, Twilight refocused and started telling her about the last few weeks.
“Well, aside from almost constantly feeling like a volcano about to erupt, it’s going fine, I guess. I’ve worked out a tremendous trade deal with the Kirin, so that we can stop putting tariffs on their goods. Friendship Council seems to bear fruit and Discord has his parole meeting next week.”
“I see.” Celestia nodded, smiling.
“And there is one more thing…” Twilight added with a smirk.
With a flash of magenta-tinted magic, the purple mare made a magazine appear in her hooves. On its cover was Twilight, sitting on her throne, wearing her royal gown, posing seductively and having a playful smile on her face with her eyes half lidded. She held the magazine right under Celestia’s nose.
The older mare cocked an eyebrow.
“Oh? What is this about?”
Twilight grinned from ear to ear in glee and started jumping up and down.
“I’ve been elected the ‘Sexiest Mare Alive’! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”
Celestia blinked.
“Oh… congratulations… this is sudden…”
Twilight jumped in circles.
“I know! EEEEEEEEEE! Have you got any idea how wonderful this is for a nerd like ME!? YAY! I guess it has to do with my rise to power! After all: Might makes tight! Hooray! And not just that! They offered me to star in a sexy calendar! Then it’ll be ‘Twilightlicious’ all year, baby!”
“The what now?” Celestia deadpanned.
She took the magazine in her golden magic and read a bit in it. After a moment, a faint, insecure smile formed on her lips.
“Huh… well, look at that… I never got elected for this…” she said.
Twilight stopped jumping and looked at Celestia.
“Oh, I guess that is because you’re not sexy.”
Silence.
.
.
.
.
.
“WHAT?!!!” Celestia shouted.
Twilight cocked an eyebrow.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t know!”
Celestia was at a loss for words.
“But… I… I… I AM sexy… a-at least I’m not ugly!”
Twilight quickly shook her head.
“Oh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh no! I did not say ‘ugly’, just ‘not sexy’”
“What’s the difference?!”
“Well, a sunset is beautiful too, but that doesn’t mean I would have procreative intercourse with it.”
“TWILIGHT! Language!”
“Oh c’mon, Celestia! I’m the ruler of Equestria now! If anything, that should allow me to speak freely, right?”
“I... guess… B-But why do you think I’m not sexy?!”
“Well, first off, I don’t think that. It’s a fact!”
The environmental temperature started to rise, something Twilight failed to notice, who naturally switched to her teacher mode instead.
“And secondly: It’s because you’re just so regal and stoic.”
Celestia was flabbergasted.
“But… But Luna is even more stoic than me! And her admirers start drooling simply by hearing her name!”
Twilight simply continued the lecture.
“Yeah, but Luna is dark! That makes her seem more dangerous than you are ...and dangerous is sexy! You on the other hoof… are like a big mom. And who finds moms sexy? I certainly never heard of it!”
Celestia, still perplexed, tried to form an answer in her mind, but she didn’t come up with a good enough response and so she left it at that.
“A-Anyway… how’s Spike doing…?” the white alicorn said to quickly change the subject.
***
While the rest of the visit went well, Twilight’s words had a severe impact on Celestia’s mind.
She did not sleep well that night and was constantly tossing and turning in her sheets.
She was having a very unpleasant dream…
“Hey! What are you doing?!”
Two minotaurs in suits grabbed Celestia’s arms, not caring about the silky, expensive looking gown. They pulled without mercy and yanked her off the stage, away from the other ‘Miss Equestria’ contestants, who were snickering at her. Not just them, the whole audience in the hall was laughing at the ruffled and humiliated white alicorn.
The head of the jury, who happened to be Chancellor Neighsay for some odd reason, sternly looked down at her.
“Participant 66, ‘Celestia’! You’re hereby disqualified from the contest due to your complete lack of marely charms! How dare you even show up, knowing that you are unwanted?!”
Celestia was close to shedding tears.
“But… But I’m not THAT unattractive!”
Neighsay groaned.
“Please! You’re a Princess! Show at least a modicum of dignity… Let me correct that: An Ex-Princess!”
Laughter. A lot of it.
Celestia rose to her hooves, teary-eyed and shaking.
“That’s not true! THAT’S NOT TRUE!!! I AM ATTRACTIVE!!!”
Three figures were standing close to her.
She turned to the first.
“Sombra! You wanted me! Mostly for my power, but you can’t tell me you didn’t crave my body at least a little bit! I saw the lust gleaming in your eyes back then!”
King Sombra licked his lips and moaned. But he wasn’t looking at Celestia.
“Mmmmhhh… Crysss-”
Anger flushed through Celestia’s mind.
“NO! Don’t say it! Don’t you dare say ‘crystals’… again!”
Sombra finished what he was saying.
“-sssalis! Chrysssssalis!”
The queen of the changelings appeared at the dark king’s side and smugly looked down at the spurned alicorn.
“Pathetic…”
Hurt, Celestia turned away as fast as she could from the two evil monsters, who were starting to lewdly entangle their tongues.
The white mare faced the second figure.
“DISCORD! You were always chasing after me! You turned the world upside down to get my attention… you literally did! You do think I’m attractive, right?!”
The spirit of chaos didn’t seem very interested in the desperate mare before him.
“Oh! Were you talking to me? Pardon me, Celly, but I have somepony better now!”
He pulled Fluttershy out of nowhere and started to snuggle her.
“Somepony younger!”
That pierced right through the (much, MUCH) older mare’s heart. Fluttershy looked at her with a devilish grin and said:
“Yay.”
“NOOOOOOO!!!” Celestia wailed.
Desperately, she turned to the third and last figure. She threw herself at his hooves with tears in her eyes and a quivering underlip.
“CRANKY!!! Please! At least YOU must find me attractive! Of all creatures, YOU! Please tell me I’m sexy! TELL ME I’M SEXY!!!”
Cranky Doodle Donkey just stared down at her with his signature frown. Celestia couldn’t take it anymore.
“SAY SOMETHING!!!”
Cranky didn’t even flinch, but then he said:
“Yes...”
Celestia gasped with hope.
“...because you’re so much OLDER than Matilda!” he said, a lusty smile slowly creeping onto his face.
Celestia jumped up in her bed screaming. She was panting and covered in sweat. Her heart was racing, but she was already starting to feel relieved that it was all just a dream.
Luna opened the door.
“SISTER! IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?!” shouted the night ex-princess in her Royal Canterlot Voice.
“It was just a bad dream.” Celestia responded, after her ears stopped ringing.
Luna cocked an eyebrow.
“Fine, but it wasn’t me this time!”
She closed the door and Celestia was alone again.
The sweat-stained, exhausted white alicorn thought for a while. She would not have believed that Twilight’s inconsiderate words could affect her this much.
After two hours of sitting upright in bed and brooding about her predicament, she noticed something on the wall of her bedroom. It was a familiar object, since Celestia was the one who had put it there in the first place: A calendar, containing a picture of a different kind of pastry for each month. It reminded her of something Twilight had said during her visit, which in turn gave her an idea! A wonderful, awful idea! She made a quick (some might say: unusually rash) decision, while narrowing her eyes with glee.
“I’ll show her! I’ll show EVERYPONY!”
***
The setup was ready!
All crucial preparations in the cellar were complete. Lights, props, wardrobe and no way for anypony to watch from outside. With a determined glint in her eyes and a satisfied smirk on her lips, Celestia rubbed her hooves while admiring her work: Pink curtains, red ribbons, plush cushions, A LOT of cut out paper hearts and a velvet mattress in the middle of the room. She herself was wearing a silky gold-colored bath robe.
Excellent, she thought. Now I just have to wait for the photographer.
The former ruler’s plan was simple, yet bold. Twilight said she would star in a sexy calendar? HA! Celestia would produce her OWN sexy calendar, star herself in it, and publish it all over Equestria and beyond (after a thousand years of saving, she easily had the funds to do so). She could see it clearly now! The title would be “Hot As(s) The Sun” and it would keep her former subjects ‘warm’ even during the cold months. How could Twilight’s calendar ever compete with that? It was a perfect plan: Straight to the point and so simple! Surely it would convince her former student, Equestria and, most importantly, herself, that she was an attractive and stunning mare who was MOST DEFINITELY not having a midlife crisis!
However, it is important to note here, that even though Celestia was one of the most intelligent and experienced living beings in history, the subject of sexuality…
Well…
To be brutally honest: One will hardly find any adult more naive in this regard…
The first bad omen was a sudden loud bang. The cellar door was practically kicked open, which made Celestia yelp.
“I HAVE ARRIFED!” proclaimed a light-blue mare with a white mane, overly stylish clothing and pink sunglasses.
After calming down from the jump scare, Celestia smiled awkwardly at the new pony.
“Ah! Greetings, you must be Photo Finish.”
“YES!” the pony yelled in an almost military fashion, startling Celestia again.
“And NO!”
Celestia was confused.
“No?”
“NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” Photo Finish angrily shouted while stomping her hoof with each ‘Nein’.
She ran around the cellar, wildly and dramatically gesturing with her arms.
“NEIN! SCHLECHT! ZIS VON‘T DOOOO!“
She started to rip down and to throw over all the decorations Celestia had prepared beforehoof. The older mare got angry.
“Hey! What do you think you’re doing, Ms Finish?!”
Photo Finish came aggressively close to her, so that their noses were touching.
“ZAT’S ‘FRAU FINISH’ FOR YOO, FRÄULEIN! And vat iz zis place zupposed to be?!”
Celestia blinked.
“What...?”
“How iz ze MAGIX zupposed to happen HIER?!”
Taken aback by so much bluntness, Celestia tried to keep her calm.
“Well... what shall we do then?”
As if taking Celestia’s question for an order, Photo Finish dashed through the cellar like a tornado and in a matter of seconds the room was redecorated.
“NAO ze magix can march in!”
The former princess was impressed. Not only at the speed, but also at the result.
“Oh! I must admit, this looks far more... inviting! My own decorations were rather plain compared to this.”
“ES WAR INAKZEPTABEEEEEEEL! ÜBEL, ÜBEL, ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜBEL!!!” the blue mare shouted, startling Celestia yet again.
“Could we turn the volume down a little? My sister could hear us when she comes home ...and I really don’t want her to know about this. Not yet, at least.” Celestia said while rubbing her arm and looking away in shame.
Photo Finish gave her an iron smack on the shoulder.
„Oh, don‘t vorry, mein Liebchen! Vee professionals handle zings discreetly! If your Schwester shows up I’ll just yell: ALARM!!!”
Celestia had to cover her ears on the last word. She shook her head in order to get rid of the ringing.
“Well, as soon as you're ready, we can start to... Oh...”
When the alicorn looked up again, she saw that the accomplished photographer had already set up all her equipment: the camera, the lights, the bucket with vaseline… for the lens… of course… – and she seemingly has pulled it out from Celestia knows where... (actually, shedidn't know either). The white mare furrowed her eyebrows.
“Huh, I knew they were efficient in Germaneigh, but this...”
“TAKE YOUR POSITION!” shouted the artist, startling Celestia yet again.
Photo Finish wasted no time. She grabbed the large white alicorn at the barrel and yanked her onto the red velvet mattress (which caused a yelp).
“NAO I SHTART!!!”
Celestia, who wasn’t exactly lying in a seductive pose, was still confused.
“Um... Ms- I mean... Frau Finish. Shouldn’t I... you know... do something sexy?”
Photo Finish held still and became silent. The ex-princess averted her eyes and blushed.
“Actually, I prepared something…” she added.
Photo Finish remained silent and just looked at her …judging ...hard.
Celestia laid herself down on the mattress, flat on her back and spread all her limbs straight away from her, as if she was going to make a snow angel, and stared up at the ceiling, smiling innocently.
"Vat… is zis zupposed to be?" the photographer asked.
"Oh, it's my sexy pose!” the white mare chirped.
“I'm being wide open! It tells a potential lover: ‘It's okay! Come at me! There’s nothing to fear!’”
Photo Finish stared at her silently. Upon getting no reaction, Celestia harrumphed.
“Hmpf! Fine, I'll dial up the sexiness, but let us not overdo it!”
The only thing she did, was putting her hooves over her eyes, similar to how you count while playing Hide and Seek.
"There! Now I can't see my potential lover getting naked and thus there’s no embarrassment for them! Sexy enough?"
The artists mouth hung open in astonishment, which Celestia could actually see, because she was secretly peeping from under her hooves. How naughty, she thought, but then she got worried.
“Oh... too sexy? Well, I warned you! I better take it a step down, so you don't dehydrate from drooling.”
“NEIN! From nao on, I vill give ze orders!”
“Now hold on, young mare! I am more experienced at leading than yo-”
“HALTS MAUL!!!”
Silence…
…and a scared alicorn on the mattress.
Photo Finish showed no mercy.
“UND NAO, GET UNDRESSED!!!”
Celestia’s pupils shrank to the size of pinpricks and she fearfully clung to the silky bathing robe she was wearing the whole time.
“B-B-But this is supposed to be just an erotic photoshoot! Not outright porn! I thought I would dress up in a few sexy outfits and...”
“NEIN! Yoo must share your body wizout mercee! To conquer ze loins yoo must shtrip compleetely nekkit! All ze shtallions… zey must vant to reprodooooooce viz yoo… zey must zink: ICH WILL SIE BUMSEN!!!”
“But…”
“GET UNDRESSED, NAO!”
“But...”
“NAO!!!”
Insecure and blushing, Celestia shakily took off the bathing robe until she was completely naked. What have I gotten myself into?, she warily thought.
Photo Finish smiled.
“Oh ja, sehr gut!”
She raised her hoof dramatically.
“Feel ze magix! Show me your ARSCH!”
After hesitating for a few moments, Celestia felt her confidence coming back a little, caused by the infectious enthusiasm displayed in front of her. She smiled.
“Yes… Yes… YES! I will show you AND Equestria what I have to offer!”
She rolled onto her belly and abruptly shoved her behind up in the air, without any grace or delicacy, like an ostrich that sticks its head in the ground. Upon regarding the alicorn’s view-filling posterior, Photo Finish's first impulse was to reach for the wide-angle lens.
“Oh wunderbar! Zis pleases my megalomaniac inshtincts... Finally somezing, I, PHOTO FINISH, can work wiz!”
Encouraged, the alicorn pushed her buttocks even higher, forgetting that the laws of physics, such as gravity, which she used to defy every day, still existed...
...and as a result, her ‘celestial bodies’ lost their cosmic balance and the camera met the twin planets.
The huge white alicorn sat on the ground, rubbing her in-all-but(t)-name royal bottom with a hoof and grimaced.
“Owww…. my tush!”
She looked around and noticed that Photo Finish was nowhere to be seen. After a short moment of confusion, her face blushed furiously in embarrassment, because she realized exactly what had occurred.
“Oh dear… not again!”
The alicorn stood up and hesitantly turned around to face what, or better said who, she had landed on...
The photographer lay flattened on the now slightly concave ground. The camera was no more. What surprised Celestia greatly, was that the blue mare was smiling ...and that she was still alive.
“Ohhhh ja… Wunderbarrrr…! Ze white, huge und unshtoppable...! ZE AVALANCHE...!” and then she passed out.
***
The next day.
After a visit to the emergency room and getting a lot of apologies from Celestia in the form of a flood of get-well cards, Photo Finish was back in action and as enthusiastic as ever. Nevermind the wheelchair and the single free arm she currently had left.
“Oh ja! So much deshtructive POWAH! A true trait of ze alicorn master race! It only reequirez ze VILL to use it!”
“I’m so so sorry...” Celestia timidly said, while looking away.
“But conshidering my current impediment, vee need shtrength in numberz! KOMMT REIN, SOFORT!!!”
Two new ponies entered the cellar. Celestia recognized one of them.
“Oh, aren’t you Fleur Dis Lee? I didn’t know you worked with Ms Finish.”
“FRAU FINISH!!!” Photo Finish barked.
“Sorry, my bad… I didn’t know you worked with Frau Finish.”
Fleur Dis Lee just shrugged.
“Well, your Highness, I wouldn’t! But Fancy Pants said I should be more than just a ‘trophy wife’, so here I am. I assist Finny at shooting the photos.”
“FRAU FINISH, DU VERZOGENES GÖR!!!” the artist barked yet again.
“I see...” Celestia remarked, ignoring the ringing in her ears, and turned to the other pony.
“And what is your name? I think we never had the honor...?”
“OH, you MUST have heard of me! Didn’t Fluttershy ever tell you about her beloved baby brother!”
Celestia cringed.
“Oh… yeah… Zephyr... Breeze... Dear Fluttershy warned… I mean… told me about you!”
She gave him a forced, awkward smile.
Zephyr Breeze slapped her shoulder.
“Heeeeey, no need to be nervous! Thanks to my big sis, we are practically family! That shouldn’t stop us from sharing some saucy stuff though.” He wriggled his eyebrows.
Celestia’s eyes went as wide as saucers.
“S-S-Saucy stuff?! Wha… What exactly is your purpose here?” she warily asked.
“Well, you’re a mare, I’m a stallion… take an educated guess...”
He winked.
“BUMSEN!!!” Photo Finish yelled.
If Celestia had not been of snowy white color, she would have become visibly pale and then red again, changing colours like a traffic light. She started stammering and only worked her mouth in confusion. Zephyr, on the other hoof, glared at Photo Finish.
“No no no no! I’m NOT that easy a stallion! I’m only here for posing!”
He gave Celestia a demanding look.
“If you want anything more from me, you’ll at least have to invite me to dinner! Have I made myself clear?”
“As crystal clear as the Crystal Empire! Even Sombra would be proud!” the alicorn hastily said, even though not without a sigh and huge relief.
Photo Finish rolled closer on her wheelchair.
“He vill help us set up ze mood! YOO are schlecht at ze magix! HE vill bring yoo ze magix! Even a clumsee, naive alicorn-dummkopf like YOO vill look erotisch ven contrasted whiz a vimp like HIM!”
“HEY!” Celestia and Zephyr said in unison.
“NAO GET IN POSITION UND VEE SHTART!!!”
Fluer readied the camera, Zephyr licked his lips, Celestia hesitantly moved towards the velvet mattress and Photo Finish stared at the scene with greedy eyes.
“Oh ja! Komm zu mama...”
The two ‘lovers‘ stood in front of the mattress, facing each other. The stallion grinned from ear to ear giving the Alicorn a sultry look. The mare pondered her next move.
What would a lover do now?, she pondered.
Then a figurative light bulb popped into existence and she smiled.
“Ah! Of course!”
She leaned forward and gave Zephyr, who was ‘ready for action’, a big, warm, motherly bearhug and squeezed him against her chest, from where he could only mutter in confusion.
“VAT IS ZIS?!” Photo Finish inquired.
“Aren’t we supposed to act as lovers? This is what I do with all my loved ones.”
“Nein nein nein nein nein nein nein!” the artist said while hammering her one good hoof against one of the chair wheels. She turned to Zephyr, who miraculously had managed to free himself.
“Herr Breeze! Yoo vill lead her on! SHTART!!!”
He locked eyes with Celestia. After a moment of silence, her pupils nervously darted from left to right. Seeing that, he started to growl and purr seductively and to brush his hooves against his body.
“Rwoawrrrrr…! My body is yours! Come at me, you beast!”
Celestia, a bit taken aback, looked over at Photo Finish, seeking hints as to how she should respond.
“Why is he insulting me?”
Photo Finish, after a really loud facehoof, answered her.
“Zat’s durtee talk! Just fire back!”
“Oh… Okay...” the alicorn insecurely responded and turned to the still purring Zephyr Breeze. She thought for a moment, then lifted a hoof and pointed at him.
“You… You fool! You… unwashed sock!”
Photo Finish grew increasingly frustrated.
“NEIN! Forget ze talk! Get shtarted wiz ze ACTION!”
“What action?” Celestia asked.
“VAT?!” Photo Finish deadpanned.
“Well, Frau Finish, you can’t just say ‘action’. You must be specific about what you want me to do!”
Suppressing her anger, the blue mare took a deep breath.
“Just jump at him and roll around grunting like an animal!”
Celestia did as she was told. She threw her body at Zephyr and they both fell on the velvet mattress. The stallion, buried under the massive alicorn, was happy to finally put his (supposed) talents to good use and started to really get into his new role.
“OH yes! YES!!! Give it to me, you wild beast! Rwoawrrrrr!”
Meanwhile, Celestia started bleating like a sheep.
Then she mooed like a cow…
Then barked like a dog…
Then oinked like a piglet...
“VAT?! ARE YOO SERIOUS?!!!” came a shout.
“Yes.” Celestia answered, before quacking like a duck.
“This is what you wanted me to do, remember? ‘Grunt like an animal’ you said.”
“NEIN! NEEEEEIIIIIN!!! Yoo must act as if yoo vere going to shleep with him! IZ ZAT CLEAR NAO?!!!”
Suddenly Celestia stood up from the mattress, leaving a confused Zephyr, and started walking towards the cellar door.
Photo Finish’s mouth hung open, before she yelled:
“VERE ARE YOO GOING, FRÄULEIN?!”
The alicorn stopped, turned around and looked at her, wondering why the answer wasn’t obvious.
“Well, to brush my teeth, put on my pyjamas and get my teddy bear, of course! Whatever else?”
Silence.
.
.
.
.
.
Slowly...
...with her hoof shaking...
...Photo Finish reached up to her face and took off her glasses.
After she carefully laid them down, she calmly but menacingly said:
“Zefer… Flör… leaf ze room...”
Both Zephyr and Fleur gulped and then walked towards the door, silently but hastily. Before they disappeared, Celestia noticed Zephyr giving her a pitiful look. The alicorn and Photo Finish were now alone, a deathly silence hanging in the air. Now it was the alicorn’s turn to gulp.
“DAS WAR EIN BEFEHL!!!” the artist suddenly blasted while swinging around her only good hoof.
“VAT I SAID VAS A ZIMPLE ORDER!!! HOW DARE YOO IGNORE MY ORDERS?!!! IS ZIS VAT IT HAS COME TO?!!! OR ARE YOO JUST ZAT SHTOOPID?!!! DU DUMMKOPF!!! OR ARE YOO NUZHING BUT A VILE COWARD, DISLOYAL TO ZE MAGIX?!!! FEIGLING, VERRÄTER, VERSAGER!!! YOO ARE ZE SCUM OF ZE PONY-RACE!!! WHIZOUT HONOR!!! YOO ZINK YOO CAN BE DESIRABLE, ONLEE BECAUSE YOU VERE A PRETTEE PRINZESSIN?!!!”
She calmed herself and looked down somberly, though boiling with anger.
“If yoo cannot even preetend to shleep wiz a shtallion… yoo should rezink zis and zurrender… Yoo know, I have ze MEANS to make yoo zink AND zurrender! Or yoo vill… ZIMPLY FOLLOH MY ORDERS, DONNERWETTER NOCHMAL!!!”
Even though Photo Finish, wheelchair or not, could never pose an actual threat to her, Celestia was shaking with her ears flopped, glad that this mare did not possess the Royal Canterlot Voice.
***
After she calmed down, Photo Finish ordered her assistants back in. They had an expression of pity on their faces, once they saw the sitting former alicorn princess reduced to what appeared to be an ashamed little filly.
The artist wasted no time and yelled to her assistants to get into position. She turned back to Celestia, causing the alicorn to wince.
“Yoo vill nao lay down on ze mattress and do absolutely NUZHING!”
“Ja… I mean... yes, Frau Finish.” the cowering princess meekly responded.
“AND YOO…”
Photo Finish turned to Zephyr Breeze.
“...YOO VILL DO ALL ZE WORK FOR HER! GET HER INTO ZE RIGHT POSE, SCHNELL!”
He walked over to Celestia, laid his hooves on her and looked back to his boss.
“Which position, Frau Finish?” he carefully asked.
“Since zis pony is INCAPABLE of ze MAGIX, vee must conzentrate onlee on vat is worth seeing! Lucky for us, our client has a behind as white and massive as a GLACIER! I’ve vaited a long time for an opportoonity like zis! Zerefore, yoo shall use… POSE NUMBER 66!”
“Zu befehl!” Zephyr responded, saluting, and got to work.
Celestia, not resisting at all, was softly pushed down onto the velvet mattress by Zephyr and was then turned around, so that she lay on her belly. Afterwards, Zephyr grabbed her legs and pushed them in, so that her butt was raised up in the air.
“Oh ja, sehr gut! SHTART ZE SHOOTING!!!”
Fleur Dis Lee started to take photos of the royal posterior, illuminating the dimly lit cellar with each flash.
How did I end up like this...?, Celestia thought.
Has all my life really lead up to this moment…?
Photo Finish seemed very satisfied.
“Ja… Oh ja… Finally, zings are shtarting to take shape! BIG round shape! And nao… ZE REAL MAGIX CAN SHTART!!!”
Celestia wondered what the artist meant by that when she suddenly felt a rope being tied upon her.
“WHAT?! What is going on?!”
Zephyr gave her a warm smile.
“Trust me, I know what I’m doing.”
“Uh… Frau Finish? What is the meaning of this?” the alicorn asked, while Zephyr made the final, fairly tight knot.
“DO NOT QUESTION MY PLANS!!! FOOD NEEDS SPICE! LOVE NEEDS SPICE! SO ZE SPICE MUST FLOW!!! UND NUZHING IS MORE SPICY ZAN ZE KINKYS!!!”
Music started playing. Apparently Photo Finish had set up a gramophone loudly playing ‘Ride Of The Valcaribou’.
Contemplating, if she should just burn through the ropes and abort the quickly escalating session, Celestia’s thoughts were cut off by a firm whiplash on her behind, causing her to yelp.
“EEK!”
Zephyr smirked, pursing his lips.
“Mhm… I still got it!”
It didn’t hurt Celestia, since much, MUCH more was needed to actually hurt an alicorn, but being struck so suddenly on this particular body part was not exactly a pleasant experience.
“FRAU FINISH!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOI-... EEK!”
Slap after slap hammered against her mighty rump, while flashes of light marked the birth of countless compromising pictures. The alicorn flushed red in embarrassment.
“PHOTO FINISH... EEK! ...YOU CAN’T BE... EEK! ...SERIOUS!... EEK! ...STOP THIS IMMEDIATL-EEK! ….YOU ARE DISM-EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK!”
The frequency of the slapping was increasing rapidly.
A tear of joy appeared from under Photo Finish’s glasses.
“Oh ja… zis is bootiful! I vill go down in history and preserve ze magix for all etörneetee...”
She pointed at Zephyr.
“SHOW NO MERCEEEEEEE!!!”
The strikes came even faster, while their deliverer shouted:
“ATATATATATATATATATATA...!!!”
“UND NAO… ZE NEXT PHASE!!!”
Before Celestia could manifest her will to end the whole ordeal by brute (cosmic) force in action, she felt something cold and wet on her butt. By craning her neck back as much as she could, the alicorn was able to see that her body was not whipped anymore, but garnished with whipped cream instead.
“JA! ZE KREEEEM!!!”
So shocked was the alicorn that she couldn’t move or speak. Photo Finish, on the other hoof, was bouncing in her wheelchair with excitement.
“NAO ZE CHOCOLATE SHPRINKLES!!!”
Myriads of tiny chocolate chips suddenly rained upon Celestia who was still paralyzed by the utter absurdity of the situation.
Is this real life…? Is Luna giving me a nightmare?, she thought.
“UND FINALLY: ZE CHERRRRRREEEEEZ!!!”
Zephyr circled the alicorn, humming, while sporadically, yet methodically, placing cherries on top of her.
“JA! JA! JAAAAA!!!”
Celestia focused back to the (not so apparent) reality and was about to flex her muscles in order to rip the bonds, when suddenly the whole cellar started to rumble.
Fleur Dis Lee stopped taking photos and looked around fearfully.
Zephyr Breeze jumped into a corner while whimpering with an unusually high pitch.
But Photo Finish…
Photo Finish was calm. At ease, even. She smiled in satisfaction while simply looking forward to what would come next.
“Oh ja… Perfect timing!”
The whole house above them was ripped from the ground and lifted up. Countless small bits of rubble scattered around the floor before the building was moved to the side, revealing the sight of an enormous dragon in front of a blood red evening sky. After the massive drake had put the house down to the side, he looked at the scenery that presented itself before him.
“Ah! This time I got the right house!” he said in a deep, rumbling voice.
Celestia immediately recognized him. Her eyes became wide.
“TORCH?!”
“Yes, It is I!” the former dragon lord responded.
“And YOU seem to be… prepared!”
“WHAT?!” Celestia asked in aggravation.
Torch looked at her greedily and licked his lips.
“You have no idea how much I’ve longed to finally taste a… divine meal!”
“WHAAAAAAAT?!!!” the apparent meal shouted, staring at Photo Finish in utter disbelief.
“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!!”
The blue mare just smiled at her.
“To capture ze REAL MAGIX… onlee ze veirdest of kinkys vill do! Und since yoo are immortal, mein Liebchen, vee can perform an act of VORE wizout having to vorry! JA!!! TOTAL VORE!!! OM NOM NOM!!!”
Torch smacked his lips. Photo Finish smiled. Celestia found herself on the brink of madness.
Fleur, who noticed Celestia’s discomfort (though ‘discomfort’ miiiiiight be an understatement), came forth and tried to calm her down.
“Relax! This is just a photoshoot. It’s enough if he just puts you in his mouth and nothing more.”
“NEIN!” Photo Finish angrily yelled, startling Fleur.
“IT HAS TO BE ZE WHOLE PROCESS! FROM ONE END TO ZE OTHER!!!”
That was it.
Celestia suddenly ignited, her coat ablaze, startling everyone, even Torch. Almost unbearable heat radiated into every direction and the blindingly bright alicorn whose mane and tail were now crimson gouts of flame lifted several feet into the air. Nothing of the ropes or the garnish remained but for the ashes rising towards the sky in a blazing torrent.
“ENOUGH!!!” the furious sun goddess roared in her Royal Canterlot Voice.
The house’s surroundings started to char. Remembering what happened to Syhlex, one of the previous dragon lords, Torch’s pupils shrank in panic.
“Uh… I don’t feel hungry anymore!” was the last thing he said before he took off with speed that even Rainbow Dash would gawk at. Fleur Dis Lee and Zephyr Breeze were cowering in a corner, holding each other and shaking in fear.
Blinded by pure rage, Celestia turned to Photo Finish.
“YOU’VE MADE A GRAVE MISTAKE, YOUNG MARE!!!”
The photographer stared at her. But not in fear…
“Oh… Oh wunderbar! Zis is BETTER zan anyzing I could have hoped for! Even better zan total vore!”
Celestia’s white shining eyes twitched.
“WHAT?!”
Photo Finish smiled. Grinned, even.
“JA!!! JAAAAAAA!!! SO MUCH FURY!!! SO MUCH POWAH!!! ENOUGH TO CONQUER ALL ZE LOINS IN ZE WORLD!!!”
The blazing alicorn calmed a little bit and cocked a burning eyebrow.
Photo Finish stretched her trembling arm towards her. Despite her condition, the blue mare managed to slowly stand up from her wheelchair. Tears ran down her smile tightened cheeks.
“Nao… Nao yoo are trooly… ZE HOTTEST MARE IN EQUESTRIA!!! VERE'S ZE KAMEHRAAAAAA?!!!”
The temperature decreased a fair bit. Celestia’s shining eyes dimmed, revealing her pupils once again, her expression softening.
“You… You really think so?”
A moment of silence.
Then Photo Finish suddenly shrugged.
“Vell, if yoo vere sexy, zat is.”
And then all Tartarus broke loose.
“AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!!!!!!” roared the now unhinged mare of hot plasma.
The alicorn’s face twitched in utter madness, her mental stability long gone. She was only moments away from introducing Equestria to nuclear warfare.
A blue flash signalled a second alicorn to appear, currently unaware of the situation.
“HUZZAH! I’m back, Tia! Did I miss anything?” Luna happily announced.
Then she perceived the situation at hoof.
“Oh...”
When Photo Finish spotted her, the photographer yelled:
“ALARM!”
Because of that, Luna noticed the three other ponies in the now open-air cellar. Two of them, a white mare and a green stallion, jumped to her hooves and clinged to her legs.
“YOU MUST STOP HER!!! PLEAAAAASE!!! I DON’T WANNA DIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!” one of them screeched in a high pitched voice. The other one was Fleur.
Luna grabbed all of them, including Photo Finish, in her blue magic and pulled them close to herself.
“There is no stopping it! Nothing can!”
With that said, the former princess of the night teleported far away, taking the three ponies with her.
They reappeared on an island, miles from where the cottage was located. Without wasting a single second, Luna wrapped her arms around the ponies and threw them, herself included, to the ground.
A blinding, white flash engulfed the area a second later and when it dimmed, it revealed a thermonuclear explosion on the horizon. The coastline was changed in an instant and that day all the maps would need to be redrawn. Moments later, the shockwave rolled over the four ponies with an earth-shattering roar, strong enough to undo a man-bun and to blow away stylish glasses.
“Ohhhh… totale vernichtung! Zat iz… ze ultimate climax!” Photo Finish whispered in reverence, her now visible eyes in tears of awe.
As for the photos…
Since Fleur had dropped the camera in panic, these testimonies of madness were lost to oblivion. At least, that was the most likely scenario.
Luna stood up. The others lifted their bodies slightly from the ground and stared at the still growing mushroom-cloud. The blue alicorn gave them an unnerved look.
“You’re lucky I decided against that small detour to get ice cream!”
***
The next day’s evening.
Luna and Celestia were sitting on the veranda of their second new home. Buying a new one was no problem for them, thanks to their enormous savings, and Luna had a list of several other potential houses for times like this. The blue alicorn anticipated that their home would eventually get vaporized someday and had wisely prepared a back up. Her elder sister was sitting in a brand new rocking chair, leaning forward with her face in her hooves, which did nothing to prevent Luna from seeing Celestia’s furious blush.
The former princess of the night patted her sister’s shoulder.
“Fret not, Sister! It’s alright. It could have happened to anypony… wait… Scratch that! It indeed could have ONLY happened to you, but that’s not the point! It wasn’t your fault. That terrible mare has pushed you way too far!”
Celestia slowly looked up to Luna.
“I’m so sorry for blowing everything up ...again.”
Luna waved her hoof dismissively,
“Everypony has their flaws. But seriously, Sister: If more ponies knew this side of you, there wouldn’t be as many asking why you didn’t help Twilight more than you did!”
Celestia raised her head and opened her mouth to say something, but Luna stopped her.
“Tut tut tut, Sister! I know… You didn’t want to be feared by our subjects. Fair enough. But apparently… you want them lusting for you, instead?”
Celestia hastily waved her hooves, while she blushed even more.
“N-NO! It’s not like that!”
“Really…?”
“You must believe me! That’s not the reason!”
Luna cocked an eyebrow.
“And what IS the reason for thine ludicrously lewd shenanigans, dear sister of mine?”
The blush went so far that Celestia now had the colour of a red giant. She took a few deep breaths and then let out a loooooong sigh, sinking down in her chair.
“It’s…”
She looked away and pouted with her ears flopped.
“It’s because Twilight told me that I’m not sexy... And then Photo Finish said the same...”
A moment of silence. Luna blinked.
“So… you wanted to prove to the world that you are sexy by taking those photographs…?”
“Yes.”
“...because Twilight said you’re not sexy…?”
“Yes.”
“Twilight…?”
“Yes, Luna, I just told you!”
“ART THOU A LUNATIC?!”
Suddenly Luna grabbed her sister by the shoulders and pulled her close, so that they were directly staring into each others eyes.
“SISTER!!! Twilight is a NERD! She doesn’t even know what the word ‘sexy’ means! And that ‘photographer’ has a mind more twisted than Discord’s!”
Celestia was utterly confused.
“W-what…?”
Luna remained fierce.
“Don’t take their word for it! Take mine! Photo Finish has seen so many weird things that she has become one herself! And Twilight's idea of ‘sexy’ comes from fanfiction and medieval romance novels!”
“But… Twilight is so intelligent… and she was elected ‘Sexiest Mare Alive’!’”
“Oh, is it THIS you are talking about?” Luna said while magically summoning a copy of the magazine which started all the trouble in the first place.
“Why do you have that?” Celestia wondered.
A deep red blush was clearly visible on the navy-blue alicorn’s face.
“D-do not change the subject, Sister! Is it the offending object or not?”
“Well… yes, it is. Why are you showing it to me? It carries so much painful memories...”
“Have you even read the magazine’s name?!”
Celestia took a look at the cover. It read: “Nerd-Mopolitan - Lowered Expectations Edition”.
A moment of silence.
“Oh… now I’m kinda glad I never won that title...” Celestia said, while a cold shiver ran down her spine.
“See? ” Luna said, holding her head high with the pride of having proven a point.
“As former head of the Royal Academician Society, you should know better than NOT to validate a source extensively! And as former head of the Royal Intelligence Department, I can only encourage this practice!”
She gazed into Celestia’s eyes again.
“So as I said earlier: Do NOT take their word for it! Take mine! I happen to KNOW that you are sexy, Sister! I overheard other ponies countless times praising thee as ‘Goddess of Fertility’! And let’s not mention their dreams! Whenever I encounter an… ahem... amorous themed one, I can be quite certain to meet YOU there!” She shuddered slightly.
Celestia blinked. Then she blushed again, but this time for a more pleasant reason.
“Oh… oh… this sounds… reassuring… but also a little creepy...”
“PISH POSH, SISTER! Be glad with what you’ve got! And if you ever feel insecure again, you consult ME for advice immediately, INSTEAD of taking action right away! Believe me, I have experience in... insecurity.”
Celestia felt a wave of warmth enveloping her heart and leaned forward to hug her sister, who returned the hug without the slightest hesitation.
“Thank you, Luna.”
“Think none of it! But… by the way, while we are at this particular subject...”
Celestia pulled out from the hug.
“Yes?”
“There’s something I wondered about since my return: After all this time, the one thousand years… ...are you still a virgin?!”
Silence.
.
.
.
.
.
Celestia cocked an eyebrow, before she responded in all seriousness:
“Of course I am! Why should my zodiac sign change?!”
***
A few days later. Canterlot Castle. The Throne Room.
Princess Twilight Sparkle, Avatar of Friendship and Empress of Ponykind (unofficial title) as well as Nerd-Mopolitan’s ‘Sexiest Mare Alive’ and the star of said magazine’s next calendar, was sitting sloppily on the Equestrian throne, taking a break from governing, enjoying her morning coffee and doing some reading. She had just finished skimming a tear-stained letter from one of her friends, mourning the, quote-unqote, ‘mysterious tragedy that had befallen one of her role models: Photo Finish, picture-mare extraordinaire! The WORST... POSSIBLE... THING... EVER!!!’
Under surprisingly unclear circumstances, the famous photographer had to be hospitalized. Fortunately, she was already recovering since the mare was ‘as hard as steel and as tough as leather’ (Photo Finish’s words, not her friend’s). According to earwitnesses, she was feeling well enough to shout: “DAS WAR EIN BEFEHL, DU DUMMKOPF!!!” each time she briefly regained consciousness.
Twilight sighed in relief, mostly at the thought, that unlike said friend, the young ruler was beyond such exaggerated drama.
Now it was the newspaper’s turn. Twilight took a deep sip of her coffee…
(because we all know the universe always makes sure there is plenty of coffee in the mouth for what is to happen next...)
...and spat it out violently upon seeing the frontpage.
There was a large photo of her former mentor, the white alicorn Celestia, tied up and getting her butt whipped by what appeared to be… FLUTTERSHY’S BROTHER?!!!
The headline read: “Celestia TORTURED by entitled millennial!Why doesn’t Twilight help?!”
The purple mare checked the photo, but to her chagrin its author used a pen name: “X_MoonPrince_S”. She decided she would look into it later.
The new leader of Equestria remained silent for a couple of minutes.
She kept staring at the photo, finally whispering to her scaly adjutant:
“Spike, cover for me! I think I need to take a long cold shower...”
THE END
Author's Note
I see Celestia as a master mind, but I find the thought of her being quite naive in some regards despite that, very adorable ^_^
You know, like Sherlock Holmes, who, despite being a genius, is terribly ignorant of some things.
And besides that, seeing the great and confident Princess Celestia being a little insecure is INCREDIBLY adorable to me!
The jokes about the "dirty talk", the "grunting like an animal" and the "going to sleep" are from a skit of a german comedy show I saw many years ago. I think its name was "Sechser Pack".
The dragon lord Syhlex appears (and disappears 
) in this story: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/8316/the-song-of-syhlex
Special thanks to DracoBlair for his thorough help with many details! Please visit his DeviantArt-page: https://www.deviantart.com/dracoblair
And equally, very special thanks to Equestria Stories for his opinion, advice and suggestions! Please visit his DeviantArt-page, too: https://www.deviantart.com/estories
Aaaaand Equestria Stories also made a promotion-comic for this stoy:
https://www.deviantart.com/estories/art/ES-Shorts-284-Celestia-s-BOOTY-FANFICTION-844680495
Thank you so much, EStories! 
