Twilight and The Telemarketer
The Chapter of the Pony with the Phone...
It was a normal day in Ponyville. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping on various branches, and Pinkie Pie had already been by Twilight’s castle five times to announce the completion of different pies that she was making. This caused some distress for the purple Alicorn, as she was in the midst of writing a tribute speech to make on the occasion of her coronation as ruler of Equestria. She wanted it to be absolutely terrific. For, after all, one did not get to pay tribute to Celestia and Luna on a daily basis. She was honored that Cadance had asked her to do so. Her sister-in-law was going to make a speech as well, but she felt that it would be doubly special if they both spoke.
So, Twilight attempted to get her speech done. But it was a little unnerving, considering the amount of interruptions she was experiencing. Not only had Pinkie been by multiple times, but Rarity had called her and asked about the coronation gown, Applejack had come by to talk about the potentiality of a cider shortage that season, and Rainbow Dash had pranked her three times already. Through it all, her friends seemed extra jumpy, and she wondered just what could have provoked such unrest within them.
She had just sat down from dismissing Pinkie for the fifth time when her telephone began to ring. “UGH!” She groaned as she got up and reluctantly trotted into the next room. She had already received six calls that morning from…telemarketing ponies. She truly loved having the phone, and she had introduced it after returning from one of her many trips into Sunset’s world. But this was the part that she completely despised. Some greedy ponies not named Flim or Flam had gotten ahold of the concept and had built up a small empire through scamming ponies out of their hard earned bits. Twilight had complained to Celestia, but the Princess of the Sun’s inspections always came out clean.
Those ponies have a way of hiding their true intentions, she told herself as she picked up the receiver with her magic.
“Yes, this is Princess Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, helper of all ponies in need, and harbinger of companionship. How may I help you today?” She asked dully, hoping against hope that it was somepony she knew and could help quickly.
“Hello!” A voice on the other end boomed, “I represent the Peach at the Beach Company, and you should take advantage of our special offer!”
“I’m not interested…” Twilight said for the umpteenth time that day.
“Oh, but it really is a fantastic deal! It’s books, Princess!”
The mere mention of the literary world pricked her ears. “Okay…I’m listening.”
“For the payment of just 5 bits, and the assurance of your attendance at our special meeting next week, you can become the proud owner of the entire Star Swirl Magic Guide Collection!”
Twilight’s mouth hit the floor, because it just didn’t seem possible. The guides, written by her dear friend and idol, were extremely hard to come by. Not only that, but they were considered illegal in a lot of magic schools because the spells inside were so utterly difficult. Not that Twilight minded, as she wanted to get her hooves on them as quickly as possible. Her mind warped straight to an image of the collection sitting on her shelf, shiny and clean, with two book ends on each respective side. She began to drool as her neurosis and lunatic need for knowledge took over. Some part of her registered that this was a telemarketing scam, but her want overpowered it.
“What time, and what place?” She asked.
Twilight trotted into the conference room at the hotel in Canterlot where the time share presentation was scheduled to take place. She couldn’t help but notice that the place was completely full! There must have been 100 ponies inside, and it was a little cramped. So, with a rather large load of “excuse me’s” and “pardon me’s,” she made her way to a seat. It was plastic, with a rather hard back. She gingerly sat down and tried to look as regal and proper as was demanded of a Princess in public, however she just came off as being goofy. The other ponies were excited to have royalty there, but they couldn’t help sniggering at her positioning. She blushed a bit as somepony sat beside her and offered a hoof.
“Your Highness, it’s wonderful to see you!” The new mare said, “I’m Golden Oldies.”
Twilight could tell by her name, age, and cutie mark of a music note that this was somepony completely obsessed with more classic auditory pursuits. She smiled and shook the hoof, glad to have someone friendly sitting next to her. She couldn’t imagine what it would be like if she’d been forced to sit with somepony who wasn’t kind. She silently thanked Celestia that her experience at this event was going well so far. However, she was curious as to the reason behind Golden’s presence there. She knew that anypony could enjoy a good book, but for someone like her to want Star Swirl’s Magic Guides? It didn’t make a lot of sense.
“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Golden!” Twilight said cheerfully.
“I didn’t think royalty attended these kinds of affairs,” Golden said bluntly, “but it’s nice to have ya, anyway!”
“Um…thanks, I think,” Twilight responded, “but in actuality, I’m only here for the free books.”
“Free books?” Golden asked oddly, “what free books?”
“You know, the Star Swirl Magic Guide Collection. They’re giving one out to everypony here at the end of the presentation. The mare on the phone told me.”
“Huh? They are not!” Golden said with sudden hotness, “they’re giving away copies of a Whinny Hendrix album!”
“They are not!” A stallion in the row behind them with a cutie mark of digging said, “they’re giving away a free bulldozer!”
“They are not!” Another mare with a cutie mark of paw prints said, “they’re giving away one free puppy!”
Soon enough, the entire room was in an uproar over the supposed giveaway. Ponies argued over their chairs, and some even threatened to go hoof on hoof with others. The scene was chaotic, as everyone had a different idea of just what the free item at the end of the presentation was, and it all had to do with something they either loved or had cutie marks of. One pony said that it would be free chemistry sets, and yet another claimed it would be a year’s supply of baking equipment. Yet a third called out that it would be tickets to see the newest Bridleway show. Coincidentally, she was one of the actresses in said show. It had nearly come to violence, when the presenter got up to the microphone and cleared her throat.
“If I could have quiet, please?” She asked, and then waited for everypony to stop talking before continuing. “Thank you. Fillies and gentlecolts, I am honored and privileged to be able to give you the following presentation on just how many bits you could be earning by investing in beachfront property timeshares!”
“UGH!” Everypony groaned simultaneously.
“…and so, by reinvesting in this fifteenth timeshare, we see how the market value doubles over the ensuing quarter. Does anypony have any questions?” The presenter finished with a polite, yet completely plastic smile.
“When do we get the free stuff?” One stallion yelled.
“At the end of the week!”
“WEEK?!” Golden yelled from her seat, startling a half-asleep Twilight, “you told us all we had to do was sit through some kind of special meeting!”
“Uh-uh-uh!” The presenter said with the same plastic look, “we said, ‘special meetings!’ Aren’t plural words fun?”
“No, you said one meeting!” The digging stallion yelled, “I want my five bits back!”
“So do I!” Golden yelled.
The room once again turned into a mob, as the presenter and her associates were chased out the door and down the hall. Twilight didn’t take part in the blatant ruffian behavior, but she smiled as she watched them run off. She had definitely learned her lesson regarding telemarketers. Never, ever give your hard earned bits to somepony unless you trust them to be honest and fair, and never give in to those ridiculous phone operations.
