How to Troll Your Dragon
Chapter One: #1 Dating
By: TheCrazyAsian A.K.A. Feasttalon
Spike was walking around the library nervously as he tried to keep thinking about anything other else than his date with his crush. Every so often he would stop in front of the mirror to check his bow tie, or to make sure that his scales looked alright. He turned towards Twilight and asked, "Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"Don't be silly. What's the worst that can happen?" Twilight responded
"I could mess up our date and Rarity will think I'm a dweeb and then she won't like me and she'll never talk to me again, and, and, and then the world will explode," Spike responded. He dropped to the floor, went into the fetal position, and began sucking his tail like when he just hatched.
Purple magic enveloped him and Twilight lifted him off of the ground and back onto his feet, "Don't worry, everything will be alright. The worst case is that you two don't hit it off and stay friends," Twilight said.
"Thanks Twilight, I'm going to clean myself up some more," he replied. Twilight rolled her eyes at the sight of Spike rushing back into the bathroom. Inside he proceeded to adjust his bow tie, straighten his scales, and put on another spritz of cologne. He walked back out of the bathroom smelling like the Stallion's Fragrance Department at Neighcy's. It was some sort of Fancy Pants fragrance that he had decided to pick up on one of his trips to Canterlot. No really, it was supposedly the "Official Scent of Fancy Pants". As far as Twilight was concerned it was the official scent of musk and barrels of rotting fruit.
He walked down the hallway with a particular swagger that said "I just put a bunch of stinky cologne on and therefore I feel more attractive than anypony else ." After walking back into the library room he stuck his body in front of Twilight's nose and asked her, "How do I smell?"
Twilight immediately jumped back and used one hoof to plug her nose and another to try and fan the smell away. Musk and a barrel of rotting fruit turned out to be an understatement. It smelled like somepony had taken musk, something that you would find in a sewer, some dog hair, and the contents of a bottle balsamic vinegar and dumped them all in a blender. With a nasally voice Twilight replied, "You smell great. Like a winner." She actually thought that he smelled like a rotting carcass.
Before Spike could say anything in response there was a knock at the door and a voice that said, "Is my Spikey-wikey ready?" Spike just stood there, unsure of what to do. Should he go and open the door? Or should he get Twilight to do it? Or maybe wait for her to knock again? He dropped to the floor and curled up into a ball once again.
Twilight picked Spike up again and teleported him outside of the library where Rarity was waiting for him. "Oh there you are Spike, I didn't expect you to make such a dramatic entrance," she commented.
"Well you know, I'm all about being dramatic," Spike replied nervously. He could feel his face turning red and sweat starting to bead on his face.
"I guess a case could be made of that, anyway we better get going or we'll be late for our reservation," Rarity said.
"Yeah, wouldn't want to miss our reservation," Spike said as they began walking to the restaurant. When Rarity wasn't looking he straightened his scales and wiped the sweat off of his face.
An odor began to waft up from Spike and towards Rarity who kept wondering what it was, after a few moments she realized that the smell was coming from Spike. "If I could ask, what is that marvelous fragrance you're wearing?" Rarity asked.
It took a few seconds for Spike to realize that Rarity was complimenting him, this just made him blush even more. "Well I.- I- I- got it when I was in Canterlot," he managed to stutter out.
"Well I think it suits you. You should use it more often," Rarity replied. Spike started feeling lightheaded, he wanted to just fall down and collapse on the ground, but he continued walking.
"You looking very pretty," Spike said, it didn't end up the way he wanted to say it. He sounded like one of those caveponies that Twilight had taught him about.
He looked up at Rarity, she just chuckled a little bit and said, "Thank you." Spike kept his mouth shut for the rest of the walk to the restaurant; too afraid that he was going to make a fool of himself. When they got to the front entrance a funny looking unicorn with a curly mustache asked them, "Do you have reservations?"
"Yes we do, they should be under the name Spike," Rarity replied
"Right this way." The unicorn led them to a rather small looking table, with the various pieces of silver and tableware barely fitting on top of it. Spike took his seat, in his personal opinion his seat was a little hard and lumpy. Also his tail felt like it was being squashed when he sat there.
“Ah hem,” Rarity said.
“What?”
“Well a gentlecolt always helps the mare sit before taking a seat himself,” Rarity responded. Spike processed this statement for a few seconds. What he came up with was "Help Rarity into chair = She'll love you". He immediately jumped out of his seat and pulled the chair out for Rarity. She took her seat and Spike returned to his rather uncomfortable chair. He squirmed in his seat trying to make it more comfortable while he was reading his menu.
Rarity looked up from her own menu to see what was making that weird sound, she saw Spike squirming around in his chair as if he had to use the bathroom. "Spike darling, is everything alright? Do you need to use the little colt's room?" Rarity asked.
Spike began to blush at the comment and was about to respond when the waiter pony decided to show up, "So how are you two doing tonight?" he asked. It was a blessing to him, now he had time to regain his composure and try not to screw up his date.
Spike and Rarity both replied with mumbled versions of "Alright".
"Well that's great! So would you two like to know our special today or are you ready to order?" he asked. He was really enthusiastic, a little enthusiasm was a good things but he was a few steps away from bouncing off the walls. He's what Spike expected the colt version of Pinkie Pie to be like.
"Well I think I'll have the hay casserole."
"Very good ma'am. And what will you be having sir?"
"Do you have anything with gems?"
"Well you're in luck, today we have some sapphires on the menu today."
"I'll take it."
"Very good, your dishes will be out in a bit," the colt said before trotting off the the kitchen. Spike just sat there staring at the floor unsure of what to do. He knew he was supposed to talk with Rarity but about what? He sat there with an awkward silence permeating the air, eventually Rarity decided to break the silence.
"So Spike, what made you ask me out of a date?" Rarity asked.
"Well I've always liked you and thought that we should maybe try and go on a date," Spike replied, lying through his teeth. The truth was that he never wanted to go on this date, that he just wanted to continue to admire her from afar. The only reason he was here was because of Twilight who had beaten, dragged and forced him to go on a date with Rarity. Come to think of it, there was no logical reason why she would want Spike to go on a date with Rarity.
"Is that so. I never realized that you had a crush on me. I think that's cute." A faint red could be seen in Spike's cheeks, though it was faint enough that Rarity didn't notice it.
"Pray tell, when did you first realize that you had a crush on me?" The conversation continued like this through the rest of the meal. Rarity asking Spike questions and Spike, in turn, lying about the answer. Though there was one incident where Rarity scolded him for not using the silverware to eat his meal. She called it, "Uncivilized and brutish".
After dinner Spike paid the bill and as they were about to go their separate ways Rarity asked Spike if he'd like to spend the night at her boutique. Of course Spike said yes and walked to Rarity's home with her. Along the way they continued their conversation, this time delving into Spike's past. Rarity paid special attention to the parts where Spike talked about the Princesses.
After about 5 minutes of discussing these topics they reached Rarity's dress shop and walked in. The lights were off as Spike and Rarity walked into the shop. "So Spike, I had a really good time tonight," Rarity commented.
"Yeah, me too," he responded. He could see right into Rarity's eyes, deep pools of blue that he couldn't stop looking at, Rarity was staring into Spike's eyes as well. After a few seconds Rarity decided to make the first move and started to lean forwards and pucker her lips. This was the moment that Spike had dreamed of! The moment when he got a kiss from Rarity!
He leaned forwards to meet her, closed his eyes, and puckered his lips in preparation for his kiss, as he was doing this there was the sound of someone walking, but Spike chalked it up to someone walking outside. He felt his lips meet her's, they were soft and inviting, as if they were clouds. There was a slight taste of something, though he couldn't make it out, but it was something sweet. It was, apple.
Spike opened his eyes and broke this kiss. The pony in front of him wasn't Rarity, it was a yellow colt wearing a vest and cowpony hat. "Hey there! That's a weird way to greet somepony!" he said.
"Who- who are you?!"
"I'm Applejack's cousin from, APPLLEELLOOOSSSAAA!" he replied, rearing himself into the air while saying "Appleloosa". Spike just stood there in shock of what had just happened.
"Why are you here?" Spike asked.
"Well Twilight invited me to stay in Ponyville for a few days and they decided that I would stay here."
Right as he was about to ask where Rarity was he saw movement into the corner of his eye. Spike turned to the right to see what was happening. To his right, hiding behind some boxes, was Twilight and Rarity. "Look at my little Spikey-Wikey, he finally got his first kiss. From a colt!" Rarity shouted before collapsing into a fit of laughter.
"Look on the bright side Spike, you finally got your first kiss!" Twilight shouted before falling backwards into a similar fit of laughter.
In between laughs Twilight said, "I can't wait to tell Pinkie about this, it's hilarious." Spike just sat there dumbfounded at what had just happened.
End Chapter One
