Rednecks Vs Rednecks

by Emerald Harp

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Zephyr Breeze, Profanity, Shining Armor, Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2423

Larry the Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White are asked by Shining Armor to help overhaul security at Canterlot. Four rednecks can do a lot in little time, but what the unicorn doesn't know is some of the rednecks are spies.

Larry the Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White are asked by Shining Armor to help overhaul security at Canterlot. Four rednecks can do a lot in little time, but what the unicorn doesn't know is some of the rednecks are spies for his sister. This is a retelling of the episode "Twilight's Seven."

Rated "M" for coarse language and sexual themes.

Published 2020-06-09 03:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-09 03:40:01 UTC

Chapter One

“How’s it going, guys?” Shining Armor asked the two humans on the ladder.

Larry the Cable Guy grinned while keeping one foot on the ladder to steady it. “Like clockwork, boss hoss. We should be done here pretty soon. I’ll tell you what, that crown of yours is safer than Fort Knox on army day, especially with those man-eating flamingoes in there.” He paused, “I’ve been meaning to ask ya. Who thought up the idea to attach strings to bells to let people know that someone is in there? I mean, I haven’t heard of an idea that good since putting peanut butter on a girl’s--”

“That’ll do, Larry.” Shining Armor warned. “And I think Clover the Clever was the one who came up with the idea. I’ll ask Twilight when this is over.”

After drilling in the last screw Ron White joined Larry and Shining on the ground. He eyed his handiwork. “I hate to admit it, but these God damn Christmas tree ornaments make a better security system then the one we put in at Bob’s Country Bunker.”

Larry shuddered at the memory. “I love Bob, but that sumbitch bought gear that would make a Mexican nanny cam look like a NASA telescope.”

Ron nodded. “Once the monitors were set up I couldn’t tell if I was watching the bar area or a game of Tetris. The pixels were that fucking huge.”

The unicorn winced and looked around to see if anyone was listening. He heard a couple of snickers coming from the two guards in front of the doors to the throne-room. With a glare from their Captain the two sentries instantly sobered. “Could you two keep the swearing down to a minimum? Please. I don’t want the Princesses to be offended.”

Ron rolled his eyes. “Bullshit. How long have those two been around? They probably know some zingers that would make me blush.”

Shining Armor had to keep himself from smirking. He has no idea, he thought.

The unicorn coughed to hide his smile. “Just dial it down a notch, that’s all I’m asking. Also, I want to remind you two to be on the lookout for my sister and her friends. Since they know that I know how they’ll plan to get into the palace, they’ll have modified their scheme. I’ll need everycreature to be sharp, to report anything suspicious. Can I count on you two?”

“You got it,” Larry replied.

“Sure,” said Ron.

“Good. Now I’m going to check on Bill and Jeff.”

As the white unicorn disappeared around the corner, Larry checked his watch. “Lunch time.”

The rednecks set their tools down and walked to the locker room to retrieve their meals. They negotiated the busy streets of Canterlot heading to a small park. The pair sat down at a table in a relatively secluded area underneath an awning and started eating.

“Did you remember the book this time?” asked Ron.

Larry started to nod and then stopped. A look of panic overcame his face as he frantically looked through his enormous lunchbox. Not seeing what he wanted, he upended his container. Sandwiches, chips, sodas, mustard, and pickles covered the table until at last a hardback book covered in mayonnaise landed on the pile of food with a wet splat.

The Cable Guy let out a sigh of relief. “Found it.”

Ron stared at the defiled book for a few moments. “You sure did. It looks like your five dollar foot longs had their way with the pages.” The older handyman muttered dryly after examining the defiled text. He put the hardback down and lit a cigar. “Just wondering what were you going to do? Eat it if you got caught? I almost shit myself when you gave it to Engvall yesterday. Thank God he didn’t look at it too closely otherwise we’d be in Celestia’s fungeon making peppermints until this game is over.”

“What was I supposed to do? Tell him to go ‘F’ off? If I didn’t show him the damn book he would have been on to us. All he did was hand it back, gave me a weird look, and said ‘see ya later.’ We’re in the clear. Trust me.”

“We’ll see. And by the way, assuming Twilight doesn’t kill you for splooging all over her book you’re buying her a new one.”

“Yeah, yeah” Larry replied dismissively. The redneck cracked open the slimy book and turned to page 42. In the center of the page between the lines of flowing text was a drawing of Twilight’s Cutie Mark. The human pressed his thumb against the symbol and held it there for a couple of seconds. When he removed his hand the black and white drawing had acquired the colors associated with the Princess of Friendship.

The Cable Guy closed the book, “That should do it.”

The other handy man tapped his cigar against the ashtray he’d brought with him and looked around. Besides a few couples here and there on picnic blankets they had the park nearly to themselves. He took another pull from his cigar and breathed out the smoke. “Three, two, one.”

The book started to glow a gentle lavender and gave off a low vibration.

“Right on time,” Ron muttered putting down his smoke. He stood up and joined Larry on his side of the table. The fat redneck turned back to page 42. Gone was Twilight Sparkle’s cutie mark instead a small cartoonish representation of the alicorn was staring aghast at the stains in the pages. She hopped from line to line in the book examining the damage. “Sweet Celestia, what happened to the book?”

“Larry ran out cum wads and had to make due in a pinch.”

Twilight recoiled in horror. “Gross.”

Larry slugged a snickering Ron in the shoulder. “That’s not true. It’s just miracle whip.”

“Is that what the girls call it these days?” Ron asked.

“Shut up, White.” Larry turned his attention back to Twilight. “I can fix it, Princess. I’ll take it to a carwash or something.”

The pony shook her head and sighed. “Don’t worry about it. What do you have for me today?”

The two rednecks proceeded to tell the alicorn about the bells and strings and where they were located in the castle. Twilight paused and sat down on some of the cleaner words in her desecrated text.

“That’s actually pretty clever of him. What kind of string is being used?”

“I don’t know. It’s pretty tough stuff. God knows me and Ron tripped over it all day and the crap didn’t break once.” replied Larry.

“So the string is hard to see?” Twilight asked.

“This stuff is straight out of a Warner Brothers Acme factory. It’s damn near invisible, super thin, and could lift a piano. The coyote would catch the roadrunner in under five minutes with this crap.” Ron ventured.

The alicorn frowned up at the redneck. “Uh, if you say so, but it sounds like Shining Armor is using Moon Silk from the Lunar Moths in the east.”

“What does that mean?” asked The Cable Guy.

“It means that getting into the throne room is going to be tricky. But thanks to you two, the girls and I can prepare for this.”

“Are y’all still doin your thing tomorrow?” Ron asked.

Twilight nodded.

“So what’s the plan?” Larry asked. “What can we do to help?”

“Just keep doing what you’re doing. And watch out for Jeff and Bill. I don’t want them to catch on to you two.”

Ron waved off the alicorn’s concern. “Those guys couldn’t catch Corona if they were on the sun.”

Meanwhile

From across the park at Joe’s Donut shop Jeff Foxworthy peered through a pair of binoculars. “They just closed the book, looks like they’re done talking.”

Bill Engvall took a sip of his coffee. “So you still think they’re spying for Twilight and her gang?”

“Of course, why else would they be meeting in the same park everyday at lunch to look at the same book?”

“So, they don’t have to answer damn-fool questions about why they’re meeting in the same park everyday at lunch to look at the same book.” Engvall paused. “Sounds kind of gay when put like that but, whatever, it’s their break.”

Jeff put down his spy goggles. “They’re avoiding everyone else, even us. The only other people on this planet. There’s got to be a reason for that, and I’m smelling sabotage. Those two are the reincarnation of Judas and Benedict Arnold.”

Bill put down his cup and looked Foxworthy in the eye. “Okay, let’s entertain your fantasy and say that our fellow rednecks are working for Twilight. What are you going to do about it?”

“I’ll tell Shining Armor. If I could expose Larry and Ron as Friendship Spies I might get a pretty healthy bonus.”

“Okay. And then that tight-ass will ask if you have any proof.”

Jeff drew breath to speak but then stopped. “Well, uh, no. But that book . . .”

Bill raised a hand to silence Jeff. “That book is nothing but a Daring Doo adventure story.”

Foxworthy stared dumbstruck at his friend. “How do you know?”

“Because I asked to see it yesterday, I flipped through the pages. There’s nothing there. There’s no magic wormhole, no communication crystals, or any of that other magic shit. It’s just a boooooo--.” Bill paused, a far off look in his eye.

Jeff blinked in confusion. “Uh, Bill. You okay? Did that hamster in your noggin just quit?”

“Shhhh,” answered Bill, holding a finger to his lips.

“Hi, fellas, how’s the brick laying goin? You got that tunnel to the throne room walled off yet?” Asked a chipper overconfident pegasus garbed in shiny guard armor. The newcomer plopped himself down in the seat next to Jeff nearly spilling his beverage on the human. The pony inhaled deeply, “Cause I can smell the man-sweat from all the way outside across the street. Let me buy you two a drink. What’ll it be?”

“Huh?” Foxworthy looked over at the pony and stifled a groan. He looked around the bakery, most of the tables and booths were open. And yet Zephyr Breeze the most disliked obnoxious newbie guard in Canterlot had chosen to sit with them. What have Bill and I done to deserve this? He wondered.

Quickly rallying he replied, “Oh, uh, no thanks, Zephyr. We’re good. Work’s coming along. We should have that tunnel blocked by the end of day.” He smiled. “Hey, do you have any change? I think we need to put a quarter in Engvall to get him up and running again. I think the slot is under his p----”

“Would you shut up? I’m thinking.” Bill snapped.

“Well, someone’s in a bad mood.” observed the stallion.

The thoughtful redneck turned his attention to the mint-colored pony. “Zephyr, what does it mean if a cutie mark is in a book?”

“Uh.” The stallion thought for a moment, pouting out his lower lip. “I don’t know. Books aren’t really my thing. But I can tell you how to make that horrible mop of hair on your head absolutely fabulous.”

Bill sighed in disappointment and drained the rest of his coffee. “Maybe some other time.”

“What were you thinking about so hard?” Jeff asked. “I could almost see steam coming out of your ears.”

Bill hesitated before answering. He glanced over at Zephyr and back at Jeff unsure if he should say anything in front of the pegasus.

“Your secret is safe with me, Babe.” said the guard-pony quietly. “I may be part of the fuzz, but I ain’t a squealer.”

Engvall played with his mug for a moment. Finally he leaned forward and muttered to his two listeners. “I just remembered something about that book Larry and Ron have. There’s a cutie mark right smack-dab in the center of one of the pages, just out of the blue in the middle of the book.”

“Of Daring Do?” asked Zephyr.

“Of Twilight Sparkle.” declared Bill. “And the mark was in the shape of a finger, kind of like one of those fancy bio-maniacal finger scanner thingies back home. And that ink looked smudged, like someone was putting their fat freakin fingers on the mark for a while.” Bill paused. “Now that I’m saying this stuff out loud I think you’re right, Jeff. It’s starting to look like Larry and Ron are in bed with Twilight . . . figuratively---not literally, that’d be awkward for everyone.”

Zephyr took a sip of his frappe mocha latte with banana sprinkles. “Wow, you strapping gents are taking this simulation pretty seriously. But doesn’t it bother you two that you’d be snitching on your boys?”

“Hey, if given the chance to put two of my best friends in Celestia’s fungeon for a few days just for shits and giggles I’m gonna stand in line.” replied Jeff.

“And the fact that Shining Armor may be offering all expense paid weekend passes to that Spa down in Ponyville helps.” Bill chimed in.

“He is?” Both Jeff and Zephyr asked at the same time.

Several pairs of eyes turned their way in the diner.

“Keep it down.” hissed Bill. “I overheard him talking about the passes to Lieutenant Morning Star this morning. He doesn’t have very many of them but if Bill and Ron are helping Twilight and we catch them in the act . . .” Bill’s voice trailed off.

“Those weekend passes are as good as ours.” finished Foxworthy.

“Along with that bonus,” Bill said. “Let’s meet back here after work and make a plan to catch them in the act tomorrow.” He picked up a donut and looked at the pegasus. “Are ya in, Zephyr? We could sure use your help on this.”

“Oh, my.” Zephyr started to wave his hoof in front of his face to cool himself off. “Thinking about Lotus and Aloe gets this stud all hot and bothered. I might have to take my little wingpony out for a massage later on.”

“Oh my God. . .” muttered Engvall as he dropped the donut between his fingers, his appetite destroyed.

“I’ll be honest, I thought your barn door swung the other way.” admitted Foxworthy.

Zephyr shrugged, “The mares love it if they think you’re a colt coddler. But if I’m being true to myself there is only one mare for me.” The pegasus donned his helmet. “And I have to stop her from getting into the castle. Count me in.”