The Day Everypony's Heads Were Blown To Smithereens

by Lofty Withers

Rating: everyone
Tags: Autumn Blaze, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Silver Spoon, Luster Dawn, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 3095

Luster Dawn must save Equestria from an epidemic of exploding heads.

Luster Dawn must save Equestria from an epidemic of exploding heads.
———💥———
Cowritten with Just Lightning for Quills and Sofas Speedwriting contest #16: Chaos Edition.

What people are saying:
"God that was amazing"—Moonshot
"Wait what."—TheLegendaryBillCipher
"I can't tell if that was one, or two people writing it. Probably because I was laughing at the sheer absurdity of it all."—ScopingLandscape

Cover art cc-by-sa-3.0. Vectors from: boneswolbach (library), alexeigribanov (Luster Dawn), and jhayarr23 (Autumn Blaze)

Published 2020-06-11 00:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-11 00:50:02 UTC

Why must I be so intelligent?

Why in the world would the professor assign me to such… unbecoming activities?

Luster looked on through the shadowy back-end of the Canterlot library. Her eyes did their best to not focus on the off-putting images in the magazine she held in her magical aura, but she couldn’t help but be enamored. As she flipped through the worn pages of the issue, she couldn’t even begin to understand how other ponies could be interested in this sort of thing.

Shortly after Luster made her way to the 11th page, she heard a loud Bang! from outside, accompanied by screaming that was barely audible from the back of the building.

Luster Dawn’s eyes grew, irises shrunk, and she felt a cold sensation crawl down her back. She made her way outside the library, alongside everyone else who was there. As soon as she stepped out into the streets of Canterlot, she was able to see the horror. Several black scorch marks lined the ground, as if there had been some sort of attack. Luster shook her head to reorient herself with the situation and get a grasp on what was happening.

A horrified mare shrieked, before being silenced by a—now ear rumbling—Bang! The pony was no longer visible at all. She seemed to have been blown out of existence, but not as if some outside force had killed her. It was as if she, herself, was the bomb. Not even a trace of the pony was left. Now all that was left of her was another black mark.

“Wha—Huh?” Luster Dawn muttered, trying to keep her anxiety somewhat tempered. Amidst the chaos she could only think of one thing. One pony she could turn to in a situation like this. “I need to see the professor!”

In an instant, Luster’s hooves began to move as fast as they could carry her. Weaving through the ponies in the courtyards and the gardens. Bang! One pony after another obliterated. Another shout. Bang!

The panic begin to rise in Luster Dawn, with cold sweat now seeping into her mane. “Wh- What’s going on!?”

---

The doors to Canterlot University’s ‘Benefits of Friendship 305’ room was enveloped with a magical aura, cracking loudly before breaking and being thrown aside. “Professor!”

A grey mare sat across the room at her desk. Her mane was tied in a bun, and a pair of cyan glasses rested on her muzzle. “Ugh! Do you always need to come to me, freaking out about every little issue you have? Honestly, take a look at yourself. Everypony in Equestria may drool over you, but you’re still nothing but another student to me. You’d do well to remember that.” The professor turned her nose up in disapproval.

“Professor Spoon! This is serious!”

“Oh. Yes. Ponies being blown to smithereens. I’ve seen it. Shame.” Silver Spoon raised her hoof and placed it on the window as she looked out at the disaster spreading across Canterlot. “If only they had heeded the warnings.”

“What warnings?”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t read them.” Professor Spoon eyed Luster with a look that seemed to convey a combination of disgust and disappointment. “My collection of Playcolt issues I gave you to study. You did read them, correct?”

“I—I did. What does tha—”

“The issues foretold of this impending disaster. Hidden in the prose of every issue, there’s messages that only educated ponies are able to decipher. You’re telling me you didn’t understand any of it?”

“Well… I wouldn’t call it prose.”

“Hush. If you had read the issues I gave to you carefully, like I asked, you would’ve noticed the messages left in them.” Silver Spoon motioned Luster to come closer as she picked another issue of Playcolt out of her desk. “Do you see this?”

Luster Dawn trotted towards her professor, partially ashamed and partially annoyed. “Yes, I see it.”

“Good. This is the latest issue. This is the issue that completes the puzzle.” Side-eyeing her, Silver spoke to her pupil in a condescending manner. “Had you studied them as I told you to, you would’ve noticed several hints towards this happening. What did you think ‘Today We Will Blow Everypony’s Minds’ meant?”

“I assumed that was just used as advertisement. Like fluff for ponies who haven’t decided to buy it yet.”

“Hmph. Well, you know what they say about assuming.”

Luster Dawn grimaced.

“Putting the messages in all the issues of the past few years gives off a distinct message.” Silver Spoon cleared her throat. “On this day we will bring about the end of days. Ponies near and far will have their minds blown. One by one, back to back, we will cause the destruction of all Equestria. I’ve dubbed it ‘The Day Everypony’s Heads Were Blown To Smithereens’”

“How can that be possible? How could somebody at Playcolt of all ponies be behind this?” Luster said, jaw nearly hitting the floor.

“I don’t worry about the why or how, Luster Dawn. I care about the what.” The professor stared firmly into her student’s eyes. “And this is a very big ‘what,’” Silver shouted.

“So do you know what’s happening?” Luster whimpered.

“As far as I can tell, ponies are exploding from the inside. And not only that, the ‘bombs’ are also… connected.”

“Connected?”

“Yes. It seems, naturally, that ponies are responding to the sudden explosion of their peers with shrieks of terror. These shrieks seem to be causing explosions inside the ponies who give them out. That is what I believe they meant by ‘one by one, back to back’.” Silver Spoon looked out the window again. “These ‘bombs’ are causing a chain reaction. Ponies explode, others scream, those who scream explode themselves, and on and on it goes. All it took was one domino to fall for the entire city to come crumbling down.”

“...wow.” Luster Dawn sat down, impressed by her professors deductive abilities, even if it was all from a lewd magazine.

“Anyway. Something must be done. I won’t let something like this keep me from mine and my girlfriend’s anniversary tomorrow.”

“So what do we do?”

“We shut down the rift.” Silver Spoon said, completely deadpan.

“What rift?”

“Ugh! Luster, my student, you must keep up. The rift is the genesis of the entire disaster. It’s all in the magazines!”

Luster pursed her lips, looking on at her professor somewhat confused.

“I suppose I shouldn’t be too disappointed that you aren’t as educated as I am. I am the world’s foremost authority on Playcolt.” The professor said, giggling shortly after she finished speaking.

Luster Dawn took a moment to collect her thoughts before speaking once more. “Professor, how are we supposed to stop this disaster all by ourselves?”

“We can’t. We will need help.”

“So… who are we supposed to have help us?”

“You see, Luster, the rift is the genesis of this whole thing. If my deduction is correct then it is also the source. So all this explosive energy must be coming from that rift. If we had a way to ignite that explosive energy…” Silver Spoon grinned, rubbing her hooves together. “It would combust, leaving no energy left for any screaming ponies to explode. Though I’m unsure whether or not the rift would explode or just contain the activated energy. Hmph. Not my field anyway.” The professor giggled again. “Why must I be so intelligent? It’s not fair, honestly.”

“So…”

“We’re going to Manehattan! There’s a certain Kirin we need to speak with.”

Luster looked back at her professor with both shock and a glimmer of excitement.

A few hours after the two got on the train to Manehatten, Luster Dawn broke the silence. “Y’know, Professor, aren’t you a little curious how the train to Manehatten is still up and running when the world is basically ending?”

“Shut up. Don’t think about it.”

Luster Dawn watched out the window as the train pulled into Manehattan. The familiar landscape of her home town was wracked with the fires of destruction from exploded ponies. The streets were mostly-abandoned, but for the looters and scavengers taking advantage of the chaos.

“Come on,” said Silver Spoon, standing as soon as the train halted. “The sooner we can put this thing to bed, the better. I wanna get back to deconstructing Twilight Sparkle’s biography. Plus my hot girlfriend. Mostly that, actually.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Luster stepped off the train, looking down to mind the gap. As she looked up, she saw them. Her fans. “Oh no. This was a mistake.” Turning back to the train, she reached out as Silver grabbed her tail, dragging her forward.

“No time for that,” she lectured, voice muffled as she spoke through Luster’s tail. “You’ve gotta face this some time.”

Clutching and clawing at cracks in the ground, Luster couldn’t escape. Finally giving in, she relaxed as Silver Spoon dragged her forward to the cheering crowd.

“We love you, Luster Dawn!”

“Let me have your kids!”

“Sign my baby!”

“Let’s overthrow the government and put Luster Dawn in control.”

The cheering at that one drowned out everything for several minutes.

“Come on,” said Silver. “Stand up and say something to them so we can get past.”

Grudgingly, Luster stood, turning as the crowd went wild. “Hi!” A hush fell over the platform. “I really appreciate that you’re all so enthusiastic, but—and this is a big but—we’re kind of on an important mission right now.”

As if to elaborate on her point, a pony in the crowd exploded, showing the crowd with—well, stuff. Let’s just leave it at that. Their enthusiasm was undiminished.

“Yeah, see. That’s exactly what I’m talking about. So if you don’t mind, could you all please move out of the way so we can get on with it?” Luster gestured with her hooves, as if she were spreading a curtain.

The crowd cheered.

Luster facehoofed.

“Perhaps,” said Silver, “a more direct approach is required.” Silver approached the barricade blocking the crowd, inhaling deeply and rearing up before shouting, “Okay you lusties. Move it or lose it.” She slammed her hooves down on the platform, and the force of it knocked back the nearest fans.

The others surged forward, trampling the fallen ponies.

“Damn it. That should have worked.”

“Why not use your special talent?” asked Luster.

Silver gave her that look. The one she always used in class when Luster wouldn’t shut up with the answers. “Oh my Twilight, I hate you so much right now.” Closing her eyes, she sighed. With renewed vigor, she turned to the crowd, shouting again, “New plan folks. Lunch is on me. Everyone to the cafe.”

The crowd cheered. “We love you… who are you?”

“Silver Spoon,” said Luster helpfully.

“We love you, Silver Spoon.” The crowd began filing into the tiny cafeteria attached to the station, spilling out onto the covered patio, while the fraught barista took their orders. Another explosion freed up some space at a table that was quickly filled.

“You go on ahead,” said Silver Spoon. “I’ll hold them off and catch up later.” She turned to the crowd. “Hey, who here works in food purchasing?” A hand shot up in the crowd, and Silver Spoon waved her over. “Where do you work?

“I’m a secretary for one of the big grocery outlets downtown. Whatcha need?”

Silver put a hoof over her shoulder. “I have a feeling we’re going to need some more things before lunch is done. Can you help with that Ms…”

“Over Stock.”

Silver looked up at Luster, who still lingered, watching the scene. “What are you waiting for? Get going! ¡Vamonos!” She shooed Luster away.

Trotting off, Luster paused to look back, worried about leaving Silver Spoon here. Then another pony exploded—a grim reminder of her mission. “Right. Focus. Gotta get to Autumn Blaze.” Trotting off into the streets of Manehattan, she looked around to get her bearings before wending her way through the familiar streets of the city until she arrived. She looked up and read the sign.

Horseshoe Bear Theater
Now playing: Blazing in the Rain

“Let’s hope she’s here.” Luster pushed her way into the Lobby and trotted up to the box office, addressing the bored ticket taker. “Hi. I’m looking for Autumn Blaze.”

Not looking up, he replied, “Sorry. If you want a chance to see her, you’re going to have to buy a ticket.”

“Please, it’s urgent.”

The colt behind the glass began lifting his head. “I said, if you—Oh my gosh! Luster Dawn? Can I get your autograph?”

Luster stamped on the ground, snorting. “I said it’s urgent. Take me to Autumn Blaze.”

“Right away, Miss Dawn.” He hurried out of the booth and led Luster into the theater. Poets, musicians, and other participants were gathered on the stage and in the front rows as they rehearsed, practicing their slam poetry for the upcoming musical improv events that Autumn was organizing. They stopped at the front row of seats. “Here you go, Miss Dawn.” He pointed, then backed away to let her by.

Spotting her curved horn, Luster rushed forward to Autumn Blaze. “Autumn! I need your help!”

“Luster?” She, standing. ”Is that you? My how you’ve grown! C’mere and give your auntie Blaze a hug.”

Luster stepped forward into her embrace. “There’s no time. Equestria is in danger. I need your help.”

“Sure, sure. What’s the problem?”

One of the actors exploded, drawing their attention.

Autumn looked back to Luster. “Oh, right. That. Well. Let’s get to it. You can tell me what you need along the way.”

Luster turned and raced out of the building, explaining as they headed to the public library. “A rift has opened to another world. Through it, a terrible infection is passing. If we can close it off, we can desaturate the octarine aura that it’s pumped out, and stop the explosions.”

“And what do you need me for?” asked Autumn.

“The magic that opened the portals is kirin in nature. There’s a book at the library with ancient kirin magic that can carry us through the portal so we can cut it off. Also, I missed hanging out with you back in Canterlot.”

“Aww. That’s so sweet. I missed you too.”

Bursting into the library, they looked around, spotting Silver Spoon with a small group of ponies gathered around her at a table, an ancient tome opened before them. Rushing over, Luster embraced her teacher.

“Alright,” said Spoon. “I think this is the page we need, but my Kirin is rusty. Autumn, can you read it?”

Autumn Blaze leaned over the book, lips moving as she read. “Nope. This one is about ensuring the success of your grift, not passing through a rift.” She flipped through the pages. “Ah, here it is.” She looked around the group. “Who all is going?”

Silver waved a hoof at the ponies around her, some of whom Luster recognized from the station. “They’ve agreed to help out. We don’t know what we’ll find through the rift.”

“And Silver Spoon agreed to buy us dinner later if we did.”

Silver Spoon facehoofed. “You weren’t supposed to mention that.”

“Sorry.”

“Well,” said Autumn. “Let’s get it on.” Placing a hoof on the page, she read the incantation. “Klaadu barada nikdo!”

They looked around. Nothing happened.

One of the librarians came over, shushing them. “This is a library. What do you think you’re doing here?”

“Sorry,” said Autumn. “We’re just trying to cast this spell to enter a rift to stop ponies from exploding. We’ll be out of your hair as soon as we do it right.”

“Let me see that,” said the librarian. “Oh. Of course. I see what you’re doing wrong. Kirin has undergone a change in the pronunciation of some consonants in the last few hundred years. It’s pronounced Klaatu barada nikto.” She looked around. “Oh my. Was I that loud?”

They were no longer in the library. The world had melted around them, and the familiar lines and corners were replaced with odd curves and screams.

“Where are we?” yelled Luster, looking around them. She spotted an odd structure. “Over there!” Leading the group, she approached a wicker altar—the only thing that seemed real in this world. “What do we do?”

“I can feel it drawing in power,” said Silver Spoon. “This is the source of the problem.” Smashing her hooves against it, nothing happened. No dents. No dings. Her hooves just bounced off. She turned to Autumn Blaze. “Can you burn it?”

“I can try. Somepony say something mean to me.”

Luster stepped in front of her. “You were never my favorite aunt.”

“I’m sorry you felt that way.”

Luster shuffled closer. “I hated having to attend your poetry recitals growing up.”

“I get it. Really. My poetry isn’t for everyone.”

Luster jutted her neck out, touching snoots with Autumn. “Kirin don’t belong in Equestria.”

“I really do. I’m a legal immigrant. You even attended my naturalization ceremony. Remember? I don’t think you were that young.”

Luster deflated. “Why isn’t this working?”

Autumn cocked her head. “Well, I’ve been practicing meditation, and it’s really helped me to level out my mood swings lately.”

“Stand back,” said Silver, pushing Luster aside. “This calls for more-direct action.” Pulling her hoof back, she swung wide, knocking Autumn in the face and to the ground.

“Ow, you bitch!” Autumn stood. “What’d you do that for?”

“I thought it’d work,” said Silver, backing away awkwardly.

“Auntie Blaze?”

Rubbing her jaw, she turned to Luster.

“I hate your songs.”

Autumn blazed. “No!” The flames covered her body, and she stepped nearer to Luster. “How could you?”

Luster pointed at the altar.

“Oh, right.” Autumn stepped towards it, rolling around and setting the thing alight.

“Quickly,” said Silver. “We need to return to Equestria before the rift closes.”

The librarian stepped forward, the other ponies fanning out behind her. “You three go. We’ve got to hold the portal open from this side while you make your escape.”

“Are you sure?” asked Silver.

“Yes! Quickly. I can feel my connection to the library diminishing.

Autumn, Silver, and Luster gathered together. “Thank you.”

The librarian nodded her head. “Klaatu barada nikto.” She looked up. “Oh, and remember to be quiet in the library when you get back.”

“Right,” said Luster, but the demon world had already faded around them. They popped back into the library with a sound like a wine bottle being uncorked.

They looked around at each other.

“Well,” said Luster. “I’m famished. Who’s up for some lunch?”