I am the asshole

by Earth Galvanising

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 1977

1st Person comedy based on 'Asshole' the pony.

[NOT CLOP]

Hey, My name is… not important anymore, simply because due to my recent actions, I'm simply referred to as 'asshole.'
What earned me such a name? Well. See my cutie mark there? I'm going to assume most of you already know what it is, so that cuts a lot of talk. So, make a long story short, I convinced Equestria that the Elements of Harmony…

are prostitutes.

[HEAVY AMOUNTS OF MATURE LANGUAGE AND OTHER SITUATIONS AND ASSHOLEY-NESS. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-03 03:40:01 UTC

I am the asshole

For me, it had started of a normal day. Get up, brush teeth, laugh at my idiotic cutie mark, breakfast, look for possible prank targets. I had pretty much got everyone in town with one of my jokes, except one group. A group of six, as a matter of fact. Now I know what your thinking 'Oh shit, he's gonna go through some traumatic story and fuck one of them, getting them pregnant.' No. In fact, I know what your thinking now, too. 'Mother fucker, stop breaking the fourth wall!' No! This is my fucking story I'll break whatever walls I want! Anyway, I'm coming off topic here. Basically, I was yet to prank the so called "Heroes of Equestria" and frankly, the fact I couldn't was really starting to piss me off. So I devised a plan. A plan so great, it would forever brand me, 'Ultimate Asshole.'

I walked through town, whistling innocently as I went. Some of my previous victims gave me dirty looks, in which I simply returned a smile and a wave. Then, I saw the targets. All six of them huddled inside the local bakery, trying to shut up the pink demon.

The pink demon. She has powers beyond that even ,I, cannot possibly begin to understand. Although, some say she has the same abilities as me, breaking the fourth wall, that is. For instance, you there! Yeah you! The one fapping to calculators! Stop! I don't want to know your fetish! I also know about all of your sick fantasies with the rainbow maned one. Yeah, they actually happen. You jet black alicorns just waltz in, rape the mare, then walk out all like 'Fuck you, I'm an alicorn, I do what I want!'

Also, She vanishes for so god-damned long too! Just because you all dream about her appearing in a box on your doorstep! Seriously! What do you guys do with her?

Argh.

I'm going off topic again.

So, where was I? Oh yeah. They were all crowded inside the bakery. So, I put my plan into motion. Sneakily, I crawled up to the front door, and wedged it shut. Buying me enough time to get to Canterlot. Why did I wedge the door shut? Why did I decide to go to Canterlot? I was going to unleash my evil partner in crime.

Trollestia. Now being an earth-pony, meant that I couldn't teleport, or fly. So. I'm going to cut out loads of time b- FUCK! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN! Don't make me take those calculators from you! Although, I'm not sure I want to touch any of them...

Nevermind. I'm gonna cut the story a bit here. So anyway, I arrived in Canterlot. I headed straight for the castle. How I loved the familiar sight of the guard-ponies quivering in my shadow.

I really was famous over there, after all, for obvious reasons, one being that whenever I appeared, all hell broke loose in Equestria.

After about five minutes of smiling and patting ponies on the head, I reached the doors to the throne room. Lifting my hoof, I knocked on the door. The door opened and, of course, I walked in, a devilish grin on my face. Celestia was talking to her sister. She seemed to have not noticed me.

"Ahem" I said casually. She turned her head, and freezed as she laid eyes upon me.

"What brings you here?" The sun god asked me calmly.

"Buisness. What else?" I reached into my mane, and as if by magic, I pulled out a bottle of wine, and a whole cake. Another skill that me and the demon share, an endless void inside our manes. She has useful things in there like party stuff. All I have in there some loose change, and my sister's adopted foreign son from Maneico. The equivilent to your Mexico, I believe.

"What kind of... buisness?" She leaned forward.

"I need the almighty power of my old friend. Trollestia." The grin on my face widened, knowing she wasn't going to turn this down.

"I see... Who are the targets?" Celestia smirked.

"None other, than the Elements of Harmony." As those words passed my lips, her smirk grew substantially.

"Ah. What's the plan, old friend?" Trollestia, was born once more. Now. I have to ask, who invented the idea of Trollestia? Was it you Mr. I-Fap-To-Calculators? It wasn't Faust. She wouldn't make such a demonic thing. If Faust invented her, then toddlers wrote Cupcakes. WHICH MAY I ADD, WAS HILARIOUS TO WATCH. And, again, I know what you're thinking 'Oh shit! He said he'd SEEN Cupcakes! Also, How the hell does he know the title, and how is Rainbow Dash alive then?' Well see, When your sick and twisted fanfictions are written, they happen. Hence the whole 'Black Alicorn, Raped and sad Rainbow Dash' thing I said earlier, as for Rainbow Dash coming back to life, she had to, otherwise all of you guy's sick little dreams wouldn't happen would they? Oh and, I seem to be the only pony in this damned crazy world who realises we're all figments of someones imagination. AND ANOTHER THING, Why does everyone insist on saying 'everypony, anypony, and nopony?'

Because everyone is a retard, 'nuff said.

But, anyway, onwards with the story. I was pleased that, once more, I had an immortal god on my side to help with my operation. I trotted over to her throne and sat myself in front of it.

"We need six mares. Possibly ones from the dungeons. An Illusion spell, a voice changing spell, a broadcasting spell, and a video camera. Oh! And sexy clothing." I sniffed.

"Oh, and why do we need all this, great companion of mine?" She literally sang that sentence.

"We, are going to pull the greatest trolling of all time. We, will make the six bearers, look like prostitutes." I chuckled at that point. I felt like I was some sick writer forcing lesbian sex on two ponies. Seriously guys, lay off the lesbian fics, I don't want to see my pal Fapley crying over what to fap to, Calculators, or animal lesbian sex.

"Ohhh... Ha. Haha. I see. Guards!" Instantly, the soldiers trotted in and stood in front of their ruler. "Go fetch six of the female prisoners, a camera, and some of Luna's 'special' clothes." The group's faces went bright red.

"Y-Yes Ma'am!" They all shouted in unison. Luna however, I could see she had her head in her hooves. So, I assume that one of you wrote in some horrible fiction of yours that she decided to strut around in Canterlot, wearing nothing but lingerie? Thought so... Sick bastards, or bitches, if thats how you roll. A few minutes later and they returned, one guard wearing the lingerie, and another with the camera. Six chained mares in tow.

"Right! You six have been summoned on official Equestrian buisness. You may be prisoners for molesting a small foal each, but each of you now have a duty to serve your ruler!" Ya see, this is what happens to alot of poor ponies who are the puppets in your vile fictions, ladies and not so-gentlemen. "You are to star in a short video, this video will broadcast all over Equestria. Guard, Give them the clothing." Nodding, the armored pony threw the lingerie at the mares.

"Well. Put the clothes on." I chipped in. Really, I was beyond bored at that point. However, things did pick when they reluctantly put the clothes on. "Great. Guard! Prepare the camera!" Dramatically, I pointed a hoof at Luna.

"Luna, PUT SOME OF YOUR SEXY JAZZ MUSIC ON." Once again, she'd blushed furiously, then scuttled off to her quarters. Oh, and for those of you wondering what happened to the cake and wine, I shoved them back in my mane, so my adopted nephew could have them. Ugh, I hate to do this but I'm going to have to speed things up again.

We'd just finished making the video. It was basically, two minutes long. The Twilight doppelganger basically said how they're offering their bodies for money, and that every stallion and colt should visit them. Then they gave some sexual description of themselves, while in sex postitions, of course. Twilight, "I'll Research your body!" Applejack, "I'm a fan of HARD work!" Rarity, "I'M a Perfect fit!" Fluttershy, "I'll take care of your animal!" Rainbow Dash, "Can you keep up with me?!" Pinkie Pie, "It's a party down there!"

"So, where are we broadcasting this, oh partner in crime?" Trollestia practically whispered in my ear.

"Everywhere. Anywhere there is a monitor, or TV, or anything, broadcast it." I replied. She nodded, and her horn began to glow. The video camera floated in the air for about ten seconds, then droped to the floor. The princess grinned.

"3."

"2."

"1."

Two minutes passed, and I heard what sounded like a stampede outside the castle. I stared out off of the balcony, and see colts and stallions from all towns and cities rushing towards one place. Ponyville. Another minute of silence passes, which was then broken by a poof of green smoke and a scroll appearing in front of Trollestia. We were both grinning ear to ear. I trotted over and read the letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,

This is an emergency. Somepony has decided pull a horrible prank on me

and my friends. They sent out a rather rude and immature video of us...

advertising ourselves, and sending out profane messages. Now, colts

and stallions from all over Equestria are swarming my house, to try and

do unspeakable things to us. Please help!

~Twilight Sparkle, Your ever faithful student.

Okay, lets get something clear. Usually, it takes alot to make me crack up, but that letter sent me into FUCKING HYSTERICS.

"Oh Twilight. If only you knew that the one you trust the most, is responsible for the prank." I said between chuckles. Trollestia, well, she couldn't even stand up. She was rolling on the floor, shrieking with laughter. Standing up, I prepared to head down to Ponyville when, none other than Trollestia, who had by then already finished her fit, walked up to me and put a hoof on my shoulder.

"Please, We shall take the Royal Chariot, to see what havoc we have caused." With a smirk, she trotted over to the guards by the door, and whispered something in their ears. Now, I had every right to be suspicious here, and frankly, that's not fair. She's the bucking Princess of Equestria, and she's going to be suspicious towards me? WELL FUCK HER THEN. Atleast, That is what I thought then...

She ushered me towards the door where the chariot was waiting. We boarded the regal chariot and we flew all the way to Ponyville. Along the way, we spoke of our many haters (all be it she had very few), until we had finally reached the airspace above the village. Wearing a grin of demonic sorts, she lit her horn, and stared at me. My heart fucking stopped. I knew that spell.

"Th-That Spell..." I was shaking. Jesus, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!

"Yes, Oh Companion of mine, a Heat inducing spell-"

"Okay, Yes. I Know the spell, but really? That's fucking overdone."

"Oh? A Heat inducing spell that forces every mare in Equestria hunting for one pony?" She Paused, chuckled, then continued, "I AM THE ULTIMATE TROLL." And so, with that, she pushed me out of the chariot, letting me plummet into field of horny mares. As I fell, I spotted multiple large black-alicorn shaped dots on the ground. Reaching into my mane, I pulled out the most badass things ever. Shotgun and Sunglasses. Pumping the shotgun, I put on the sunglasses and let myself fall into the mass, screaming on simple word.

"BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCHEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!!"