Chrysalis Hires Some Henchponies
Lucy Lemondrop: Evil Event Planner
Queen Chrysalis steeled herself and took a breath. In just a moment’s time, she was about to officially meet and greet each and every mare, stallion, or creature unknown that had responded to her Equestria-wide callout for assistance. Who exactly was she looking for? Henchponies. The meaner, the better, she thought. For what purpose exactly? To take over the world, of course!
Or to at least make things a little more difficult for one or two ponies in particular.
“Greetings to you all!” Chrysalis called out, exiting from her hiding place in the back of the abandoned Hayburger she thought inconspicuous enough to evaluate her new team. Originally, she thought the location far too small to hold all the possible henchpony applicants—yet, sadly, it now appeared as the perfectly sized venue.
Chrysalis’ original smile faltered. Before her, seated in various locations around the Hayburger, sat a half-dozen or so individuals. Three stallions. A few mares. One thin dragon and one sleepy looking griffon. At least this time around, no pony could call Chrysalis out on her lack of diversity.
“Well…” Chrysalis continued gamely. “What a turnout. Anymore in the back? No? Alright. Just checking. Moving right along.” She paused to give more energy to her voice. “Give yourselves a round of applause! Go on. I’m serious now.”
It took some time, but eventually the small group awkwardly clapped for themselves. The sleepy griffon maybe clapped his claws together once.
“Good,” Chrysalis continued. “Because you may not realized it, but each and every one of you has already passed my first test.”
“We did?” one of the stallions asked. “How?”
“You showed up!” Chrysalis left her makeshift podium (one of Hayburgers many cash registers) to leisurely pace around the room. “Think about it. Out of the four-thousand invitations to my new group that I sent out across Equestria, you seven actually showed! Sure. Another hundred applicants would’ve been nice to see today. Or a thousand. Or more. But you know what? Beggars can’t be choosers here. And by this point in my career, I’ll honestly take what I can get. Including…”
As if pulling off some elaborate magic trick, Chrysalis used her aura to whip open the blinds covering all the windows to let the sunshine in. It also revealed a rather serious looking unicorn mare seated in a chair close to Chrysalis. The unicorn kept her mane in a tight bun and wore red-rimmed glasses; continually hovering in her aura was a clipboard and sharp quill.
“… my very own event planner! Lucy Lemondrop!” Chrysalis finally finished, holding two forelegs towards the newfound mare.
The mare in question cleared her throat curtly. “It’s actually evil event planner, my Queen. I must remind you how important that distinction is to me. Anypony can plan a wedding. But can anypony plan a town flood that looks entirely like an accident? I think not.”
One of the mares in the group whistled in admiration. “She sure is serious!”
Chrysalis smirked at that remark. “Isn’t she? Lucy here is just the best. Every minute of every day is now planned to the very second and I’ve never been busier in my life. I’ve even started yoga lessons each morning.” Chrysalis performed a few quick stretches before effortlessly cartwheeling across the room. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more flexible!”
“My Queen?” Lucy asked, staring at her clipboard.
“Yes?”
“You failed to brush your teeth this morning. It was written down here. Plain as day. Two minutes after breakfast. Yet you did not do so.”
“Well, yes, but considering all the things going on today, I just forgot and got so busy—”
Lucy made a note with her quill. “You shall brush twice as long tonight. I already have it scheduled.”
Chrysalis chuckled richly. “You’re so mean, Lucy. I love it.”
Lucy then rechecked her clipboard. “We will also have a three-minute delay as we deal with an unwanted guest.”
“Really? But who knows we’re even in here?”
Lucy turned towards the entrance doors before the creature outside even knocked.
Knock-knock-knock!
“Hello? Is there somepony in there?” It was clearly Discord. “I want to talk to Lucy Lemondrop, so just open up already! Don’t think I won’t break this door down if I must!” He paused. “Wait. That sounds rather messy. I’ll just snap inside instead.”
And so he did, instantly leveling a sharp finger towards the still seated and hardly caring Lucy.
“How could you?” Discord asked her hotly. “Four years as my personal event planner and now this? Traded for some half-rate bug! I thought we had fun together! I thought we got along!”
Again, Lucy Lemondrop loudly cleared her throat. “We did, Discord. Yet you continue to forget my full title. Evil event planner. And guess what? You’re not all that evil anymore. Plan another tea party get-together for you and Fluttershy? I’d rather plan to get run over by a carriage! And I could if I wanted to! Step one: find carriage. Step two: I think you know how this ends!”
“I… umm…” Discord was at a loss for words. “How ‘bout this? I’ll skip Twilight’s birthday this week! Sound evil enough for you?”
Lucy looked at him sternly. “And send her a bomb as a gift?”
“I was thinking about a book she already owns. Still pretty evil, right? Two copies of the same book? So, which one ends up keeping the nightstand level?”
Clearly, that was the wrong answer, as Lucy furiously got to writing on a new scrap of parchment.
“What are you doing?” Discord asked. “Wait. Please, not that! Anything but—”
Lucy’s latest schedule was shoved into his face and hung there loosely—the very top of it impaled on his horns.
“A new schedule?” Discord lamented, before he started reading off it. “Turn around. Exit building. Roam streets sadly. Return home and cry in corner for two hours. Eat ice cream directly out of carton. Please, Lucy, no! I can change! I can be eviler! Or… at least evil-ish.”
Lucy merely used her aura to slap the paper harder into Discord’s face, and with a final sigh he did exactly what he was scheduled to do, leaving the building without another outburst or interruption.
Once that odd little scene had come to a close, Chrysalis retook her position at the center of the room. “Well, that sure was a thing. Next up: introductions! Who would like to start? You? Why not you? Come up here.”
She’d picked one of the stallions in the bunch. Nervously, he exited the group and stood next to Chrysalis.
“Name?”
“Honey Bunch.”
Chrysalis shook her head at that. “Well, considering I don’t plan on eating you for breakfast anytime soon, that name will need to change. How about… Iron Hoof? Isn’t that a good, strong name to have?”
“I… I guess.”
“Any special skills we should know about?”
The stallion’s face flushed a bit. “Sometimes… when ponies hit me hard enough…”
Chrysalis heard the word “hit” and did just that—smacking him on the side of the head.
BLAMO!
The words hovered in midair for a moment, before evaporating into nothingness.
“What in Equestria was that?” Chrysalis asked, agasp. “Can you do it again?”
She tested the poor stallion again. To much the same effect.
YIP-YOWWIE!
The stallion took a few steps away from the Queen, rubbing the back of his head. “Even though this is my first official gig, I actually come from a long line of henchponies. I guess it’s some kind of genetic trait my family has. I try to keep it a secret, mostly.”
Chrysalis eyed him up happily. “I am impressed, Iron Hoof. I do so hope you’ll go on to disappoint me on a regular basis, so I can see what other words pop out of you. Alright. You may sit down. But not too hard now! Don’t want more random words bouncing off the walls in here.”
After she’d questioned a few more applicants (and swapped their less-than-ideal pony names for more sinister ones), Chrysalis picked one of the mares out from the group.
“Name?”
“Rum Raisin.”
That got most ponies in the room chuckling. But not Chrysalis.
“Now that is a fine name. Rum: strong, delicious alcohol. Even the bottle could be used to bash somepony’s head in. Raisin. As far as I know, no pony in all of Equestria likes them. Well done. That name shall remain as it is. Any special skills, Rum Raisin?”
Rum Raisin struggled for an answer. “I work in the market… and like cherry pie… and I do improv twice a week…”
Chrysalis raised a brow. “Improv? What in Tartarus is that?”
“You know… you make ponies laugh by making stuff up on the spot. I’m sure I’m not the best at it, but…”
Soon Chrysalis brightened at the idea. “A court jester, so to speak. I like! What nefarious group does not like to laugh and then laugh again much louder only seconds later! Alright. Go on and make me laugh. Use your powers of improv to make me chuckle and guffaw!”
Rum Raisin looked like she wanted a tall shot of rum just then. “O-okay, then. Sure. Umm. Can I get a suggestion for a hobby?”
Chrysalis was the first to answer, hoof raised. “A corpse!”
“Maybe a location, instead?”
“A corpse!”
“Job or occupation?”
“Are you deaf? Corpse-corpse-corpse!”
Rum Raisin finally took the suggestion. “I think I’m noticing a trend here. Okay, ‘corpse’ it is. Let me think for a moment.”
Sadly, Chrysalis wasn’t going to give her that precious little time. “Is this a normal part of improv? Failing horribly? Or are you only pretending to fail? If so, well done. I am entirely convinced.”
Then, without warning, Rum Raisin collapsed to the ground and held all four legs out in front of her body in a grotesque-like manner. “Look at me… I am a corpse.”
Chrysalis blinked a single time. “Okay.”
“I am also Celestia.”
Like she’d been hit by an invisible spear, Chrysalis crumpled to the floor next to the “corpse” and laughed until tears trickled down her face. Her laughter got so bad that Lucy Lemondrop had to (again) reschedule that day’s activities.
Finally, after drying her face and standing upright again, Chrysalis said, “Oh, my. That was wonderful. Improv truly is amazing. It was like I was really there.”
Up next was the biggest pony in the group by far—a stallion by the name of Jawbreaker.
Casually, Chrysalis circled the large pony, admiring his size. “Jawbreaker, is it? That name can stay. As long as it’s about an actual pony’s jaw and not the candy. Any prior henchpony work that you could tell us about?”
Jawbreaker smirked at that. “You kidding? Did a few years with the Flim Flam brothers before. One summer helping out Ahuizotl before moving up to Dr. Caballeron for a while. Two tours with DJ Vinyl Scratch.”
Silence from the room.
“She wasn’t a villain,” Jawbreaker clarified. “She was just on tour and needed security. Plus, I did five years of roofing before starting henchpony work.”
“Why even bother telling me that?” Chrysalis asked.
Jawbreaker shrugged. “Good or bad, everypony needs a roof.”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes. “Nothing worse than a bad case of the shingles, am I right?” When nopony made a sound, she added: “Laughing at your boss’s jokes will be part of your job.”
Everypony then laughed as hard as their lungs would allow. But not Lucy Lemondrop. Oh, no. She simply didn’t have time in her schedule for things like that.
Once the room quieted down again, Chrysalis surprised Jawbreaker by slapping something to his chest—a small, colorful sticker in the shape of a star.
“What’s this?” he asked.
“Your payment, of course,” Chrysalis said. “Perhaps it’s time I explain. Years ago with my children army, all they wanted was some love and affection—or food, rather. But considering none of you appear to be changelings, I have no other choice but to change things up a bit. So, without further ado… here’s a chart!”
Using her aura again, Chrysalis unveiled a large white graph which she then tacked to the wall. The heading above it read: “TEAM CHRYSALIS REWARDS CHART”.
Chrysalis grinned energetically. “That sticker I just pinned to Jawbreaker’s chest? That is what’s known as a gold star. How did Jawbreaker get it? By doing something right! In this case—having past henchpony experience. Now take a closer look at the chart and see just what five gold stars gets you!”
“A pat on the back?” one pony from the group said.
“Indeed, it does! Ten gold stars? Why that earns you a full peck on the cheek! Pull off something extraordinary like kill a Princess or seize all of Canterlot? Why… that’ll earn you one complete, super-deluxe five second hug from yours truly! And I promise I’ll make it worth it. I’ve been told my hugs could crush boulders with ease.”
Upon hearing all that, Jawbreaker shut his eyes for a moment, before peeling off the small sticker stuck to his chest. “Yeah, that sounds great and all, but that just won’t cut it here. I’ll be needing an actual salary if you want my services. And that’s just the basic part.”
Chrysalis stood shellshocked—completely shocked in her shell. “Basic part?”
“On top of salary, I’ll also need vacation time. Overtime pay. Nighttime premiums. Sick leave. Vacation time. Retirement plans. Does your company even cover dental or eye exams? And don’t get me started on uniforms. Do you give them out or do we bring our own? Will you cover laundry service if they get dirty?”
The thin dragon from the group raised a hand. “Say we die during a shift… we getting some kind of bonus pay for that?”
Chrysalis took a moment to turn to her event planner—correction, evil event planner. “Could you please add ten seconds of head shaking to my current schedule? Thanks.” She then bluntly answered the dragon’s question. “Yes. Sure, why not? You will all get an extra hundred bits every time you perish on the job. Sound good?”
Not to Jawbreaker. “Afraid not, Chrysalis. You’re kinda in over your head here. You really could do with an accountant.”
Chrysalis angrily bit her own tongue. “Do I have to? Fine. Blargh. Just give me a minute.”
ONE RANDOM KIDNAPPING LATER
Chrysalis, now coated in sweat and out of breath, again took her position in front of everypony. “Now, I’d like to introduce a new member to the team. This is Number Cruncher and she’ll be—”
“Who?”
Chrysalis spun around to find the chair she’d just tied her kidnapped accountant to empty and bare. The numerous ropes and chains sat in a lump on the ground.
Chrysalis grimaced. “And here I had no idea accountants could be so sneaky and clever.”
ONE REKIDNAPPING LATER
Finally (with double the amount of chains and ropes), Chrysalis had her accountant contained—a mare with a carrot-colored mane and the bored expression as though she were instead grocery shopping rather than in any mortal peril.
“You do realize this isn’t the first time I’ve been kidnapped, right?” Number Cruncher said, her voice not holding the slightest edge of fear. “I average roughly one-point-seven kidnappings a week. You’ll find most supervillains are the worst of bookkeepers. And the villains that are good at that sort of thing? You wouldn’t even know they’re villains at all.”
“Enough talk!” Chrysalis spat. “You try to escape again and I’ll burn your house down.”
Number Cruncher only yawned in response.
“I’ll destroy your entire family tree!”
Number Cruncher blinked sluggishly. Twice.
Chrysalis then held up a rather peculiar object. “Fine. Then I’ll break your abacus in two!”
Number Cruncher became wide-awake at that. Her eyes watered a bit. “I’ll be good…”
“Then start calculating!”
Once the ropes and chains had fallen back to the floor and Number Cruncher was given free reign to crunch some numbers, the final estimate for Chrysalis’ glorious return wasn’t exactly what she’d wanted to hear.
Hugging her abacus tight to her chest, Number Cruncher announced earnestly, “To even get this project off the ground, you’ll need at least twenty-seven thousand bits—give or take five. Including the one-hundred-and-sixty bits you pay your evil event planner pure day.”
Suddenly, Chrysalis wanted to strike the pony that shot out words every time you hit him. Regretfully, she couldn’t remember which one he was.
For a third time, Lucy Lemondrop loudly cleared her throat. “And, would you look at that? According to my schedule, it is now time to get payed. Two weeks worth, too.”
She then exited her chair to stand before Chrysalis, hoof upturned.
Chrysalis could only smile. Weakly. “Take a check?”
Lucy very quickly changed her schedule around again. “Afraid not, my Queen. But you can check my flank as I now walk out the door. Perhaps Ahuizotl could use a good evil event planner. And now, according to my very new schedule, it is time for some remorseful yogurt followed by a contemplative stroll through the park.”
Before anypony else could jump ship, Chrysalis anxiously grabbed at the closest pony to her. Also the biggest. “Jawbreaker? Help a Queen out here. We may start off slow, but once we rob a few places, I’m sure—”
“Sorry, Chrysalis,” Jawbreaker said. “I just like a steady paycheck too much. You know how it is.”
“Honestly, I don’t.”
“And if not a paycheck… maybe a chance at a date?” With that out, Jawbreaker hurried over to the departing Lucy Lemondrop to stroll alongside her. “What does a stallion like myself need to do to score dinner with a mare like you?”
She handed him a list of objectives without pause.
“Shower and a haircut?” he read. “You’re really hard to get, I see.”
Once the pair had departed, that left only Chrysalis and the (less than desirable) bunch of ponies, dragon, and griffon she had started the day with. Chrysalis’ accountant had already calculated the risks of escape and gone for it. She had proven herself more than successful.
With much less vigor than before, Chrysalis asked the group, “Still care to join team Chrysalis?”
The group nodded stiffly while the griffon raised his claws. “One question first. Say we’re taken prisoner by an enemy group and are grilled for information. How long before we give up entirely and tell them everything we know? Ten minutes? Fifteen? Say there’s no snacks available and the chairs there are really hard and uncomfortable. Could we give up in five in that case?”
Chrysalis could only shut her eyes and rub at her temples furiously. First, she’d been surrounded by needy children. Now, she was completely surrounded by idiots. And if there was one pony in all the land she’d just love to surround with idiots right about now…
ONE ROYAL TRAINING COURSE LATER
Out on the Royal Canterlot lawn, Princess Celestia smiled brightly down at her half-dozen new recruits.
“Congratulations to you all,” she announced happily, “and welcome to the Royal Canterlot Guards! Now, for reasons only know to myself and Princess Luna, we will start today’s exercise with nunchuck training. Everypony ready?”
Two well-experienced guards stood to the side of the lawn to watch the new recruits. Once nunchuck training had finished, one whistled aloud and said to the other one, “Huh. Not bad. Only four of them knocked themselves out. And that last one on the right is really good with them. Hmm. Maybe too good, you know?”
The other guard nodded and added, “Sure laughs a lot, too. Like… can’t even stop laughing.”
“A rather Chrysalis thing to do, is it not?”
“I heartily concur.”
Together, they lit up their horns to send a message to all other guards on duty.
“Attention: we have a bug in the soup. I repeat: a BUG in the soup.”
Author's Note
In another universe, Honey Bunch's relatives...
