That Voodoo You Do

by Jest

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Profanity, Discord, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Porn, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Fetish, Comedy
Length: 3929

Discord thinks the rulers of Equestria need to spice up their nonexistant love life, whether they want his help or not.

Discord thinks the rulers of Equestria need to spice up their nonexistant love life, whether they want his help or not.

This was a request for a patron and was viewable earlier for said patrons. Head over here if you want a chance of getting a story like this for just 5$ or to see stories early for just 3$!

Published 2020-06-13 17:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-13 17:10:02 UTC

Have Fun!

“You know if you two went out and got laid you probably wouldn't be this depressing to be around during hearts and hooves day you know.” Discord pointed out as he floated over a table which Luna and Celestia were sitting at.

The solar alicorn frowned and stirred her coffee with as much rage as one could possibly stir coffee with. “Yes well, unlike you we can't simply turn ourselves into something else and fornicate with the general populace incognito.”

Luna snorted, the alicorn shoveling a small mountain of cupcakes into her plate. “Exactly. We also have these things called responsibilities, something I’m sure you've known nothing about.”

Discord popped his eyes out of his head and rolled them across the table, one looking up at Celestia while the other gazed upon Luna. “First of all, I don't have to turn myself into anything to get laid. You would not believe how many ponies out there are into all this.”

Celestia withheld a gag as she looked up at a vigorously wiggling Discord. “And I hope it stays that way forever as I don't think I would be able to look at my little ponies the same otherwise.”

“I’m going to pretend that you encouraged your dear friend Discord to find love and were not being a total grumpy Gus.” Discord snapped his fingers, recalling his eyes back into their sockets and transporting him next to Luna. “And secondly, I do have responsibilities you know. Why just this afternoon I have to meet Fluttershy for tea and then after dinner I will be teaching Pinkie Pie chaos magic.”

Celestia nearly dropped the coffee cup when it was an inch from her lips. “You can’t be serious.” She stated, a hint of desperation worming into her tone.

“Or maybe I’m just saying that to mess with you.” Discord shot back, smirking at Celestia. “Either way my point is the same. I have responsibilities, small though they may be they can be scheduled around. Something I assure you, you could do.”

Luna sighed, stirring another spoonful of sugar into her tea. “I suppose, but there are far too many things to do right now, perhaps in a week?”

Celestia nodded slightly, swallowing her coffee and tapping a hoof against the table. “I suppose next weekend we may be able to book off oh… twenty minutes at noon?”

“See Discord?” Luna declared. “That is more than enough time.”

Discord gagged. “I suggested getting laid, not going for a brief stroll. How would you even have time for all that in twenty minutes? Where is the fun in that? The chaos that comes with passion?”

“We do not have time for such things.” Celestia declared with a sigh, her cup refilling with coffee. “We have a country to run.”

“And in my case a bed to warm as I am exhausted.” Luna added as she settled into her chair, the alicorn sipping her tea calmly.

“Hmm.” Discord muttered, tapping his chin only for his eyes to go wide and a lightbulb to appear above his head. “Since it looks like you two old nags are intent on wasting away alone, I think I’ll go and have a little fun, ciao!”

With a flash he was gone, leaving behind a floating light bulb that smashed to the floor, scattering glass everywhere. With a sigh, Celestia gathered the pile of glass and whisked it off into a nearby garbage. “I do hope he doesn't have too much fun, I don't think I could stand another night of monitoring the dreams of those he's erk, played with.” Luna remarked with a gag.

“Oh it's not that bad.” Celestia began, sitting back down at the table, coffee in hoof. “At least he's out socializing and hopefully getting more attached to our little ponies.”

“I suppose that's one thing I should be happy about but nowadays it feels like… well it's like he's more connected with the common pony then we are.” Luna muttered.

Celestia scoffed. “Discord may be more social nowadays but that doesn't change the fact that he's still nuttier than a fruit cake. I assure you dear sister, we are still far more connected to the masses then he.”

Luna sighed heavily, putting down her empty tea cup and reluctantly standing. “I suppose, but it sure doesn't feel like it sometimes.”

“Soon we will be able to take more time off, it's only a matter of time.” Celestia replied simply.

Discord popped into existence across town, startling a young mare behind the counter of a sex shop and nearly making her knock over a display of large red dildos that dominated the counter. “Holy shit.” She shouted.

“Sacramental excrement aside, I had a business proposal for you dear purveyor of porn and perversity.” Discord declared, throwing open his arms. “A rather generous one if I do say so myself.”

The young pink furred earth pony placed a hoof over her beating heart and looked up at Discord cautiously. “I guess I should ask this first but what's the catch?”

“You wound me my good mare.” Discord swooned dramatically, clutching an arrow that suddenly appeared in his chest. “Thankfully I am used to the slings and arrows of your distrust and will not turn you into something as vile as that distrust, but will instead offer you a once in a life time opportunity to sell officially lisecned Celestia and Luna sex dolls.” Discord replied, tossing the arrow over his shoulder before leaning on the counter. “So, what do you say?”

“Err, what's the cut?” The mare asked nervously.

“Ninety ten split, ninety for you ten for me.” Discord raised a hand. “Yes that is quite generous thank you for pointing that out but we must get past that point for now, for you see the game is afoot and the fun must begin.” With a wave of his hand he conjured a lengthy scroll filled with legal jargon save for the bottom inch which was dominated by a dotted long and a comical black X. “Simply sign here and I will give you my entire inventory but do hurry, this deal will only be open for another oh… ten seconds.”

The mare scrambled forward and grabbed the contract, her eyes scanning the page, desperate to try and find any hidden text that may be lurking within. All while Discord continued to count down in the background, making the young mare’s anxiety sky rocket. The words turned into a blur as the seconds continued to vanish, until with only three seconds left, she hastily scrawled her name into the given dotted line.

“There, I did it.” She declared, looking up at Discord. “When can we expect the stock?”

“Right now!” Discord announced, snapping his fingers and replacing every item in the store with large, nearly full size replicas of princess Celestia and Luna in a variety of scandalous outfits, expressions and positions. “Aren't they lovely?”

The mare blinked, looking over to her counter where a Celestia wearing a leopard print thong was licking her lips was looking down at her. “That's nice, but where did the rest of my stock go?”

“It's in a warehouse in the fifth dimension and will return to you once you sell all of these toys. Oh and do hurry, because if you don't sell them all by noon your stock will vanish forever.” Discord smirked. “Oh how I love the fine print, I really should hang out with that beelzebub fellow more often.”

“But I- you said-” The mare stumbled, only for Discord to chuckle and lean forward.

“Oh don't get in a tizzy, I never said how much you need to sell them for or even set a price at all.” Discord remarked. “So don't stress it kiddo, just have a little fun oh and don't hesitate to take a few home for yourself.”

With a wink, the draconequus was gone, leaving a baffled store owner sitting in a shop filled to the brim with alicorns. “What just happened?” Muttered the mare.

Celestia shifted uncomfortably on her throne, strangely irritated by the normally comfortable fabric that usually caressed her derriere with the gentle touch of a lover. Now though? Now it felt like she was sitting on sand paper and every time she moved she felt the grains dig into her backside and make her wiggle once again.

“Your majesty?” One of her guards asked suddenly, raising an eyebrow at the wiggling alicorn.

“It's nothing, send the first supplicant in.” Celestia declared.

The guard nodded, and motioned to the doors which parted to allow a pair of unicorns to trot inside. They wore nothing but the fur they were born with, neither looking terribly important and both sporting small scuffs here and there, as if they had been working in the dirt and had not the time to bathe since then.

“And how may I help you, my little ponies?” Celestia asked, ignoring the shifting sensation emanating from the seat she sat upon.

“Err yes, well you see me and my wife-” The larger mare began, gesturing to the smaller more demure unicorn who had a deep brown coat standing beside her. “-are gardeners and were fired unexpectedly from the Blue Blood estate after the nature of our relationship became public and the family is refusing to give us our owed wages, claiming some obscure law that nobles are allowed to fire any retainer they desire for any reason.”

Celestia sighed, running a hoof down her face. “Ahh yes, the Sercovia accords do allow a noble to fire a retainer, but that is for active military duty not gardening. I will…”

The alicorn paused, a sudden prodding sensation suddenly emanating from her marehood. The prodding was followed up by a sudden surge of something thick and long pushing it's way deep into her vagina. At the same time as this happened she also felt what could only be described as the sensation of being eaten out by a very enthusiastic pony coming from her pussy at the same time. These two things combined created a potent mix of pleasure that nearly made her cry out but she held back, stifling the moan that had nearly spilled from her lips.

“Your highness?” The smaller, quieter mare asked, nervously taking a step forward.

“I’m quite alright just a little uh indigestion is all.” Celestia replied, smiling a little too widely at the pair.

“Err okay, you were saying?” The other mare prompted.

“I was saying that he is using an obscure law incorrectly, I will speak with him personally and make sure he understaaAands the ramifications of his actions.” Celestia exclaimed, her voice rising a few octaves in the middle of her sentence.

“Err if you wouldn't mind that would be great.” The taller mare remarked, lifting an eyebrow. “Are you sure your alright, your majesty?”

“Absolutely!” Celestia yelled. “Now if you wouldn't mind I think a short recess is in order.”

The shorter mare turned and tugged at her mate’s leg. “Come on, we better go.”

The taller mare paid the princess a long glance before shrugging and following after her special somepony. “Sorry dear, I just thought I smelt something.”

Now alone save for the guards, Celestia grimaced, biting back a moan that threatened to spill out of her mouth the second she felt a second dick, followed by a second tongue enter her vagina. The feeling was baffling, but that wasn't what mattered right now, as she was currently getting weird looks from all four of the guards present. “I’ll be in my study until further notice something just came uuUP!” Celestia yelled suddenly, her eyes going wide when she felt a third and fourth dick slide inside her at the same time, each one somehow occupying the same space.

“Of course your highness we’ll make sure your reagent is contacted.” The head guard replied. “Should I send for the doctor or-”

“No need!” Celestia yelled, her hooves over her crotch and hiding the growing arousal that was pooling on her throne. “I’m fine! Goodbye!”

And with that the alicorn disappeared in a flash of golden light, leaving only a puddle of excitement behind.

One guard lifted an eyebrow and elbowed his companion. “Was she masterbating while on the throne?”

“I think so.” The second guard replied.

A third trotted up to the throne and sniffed the air, only to smirk. “Make that a big ten four good buddy.”

“I always knew she was a freak.” The fourth remarked with a snicker.

Upon reaching her private study Celestia collapsed into a writhing mass of pleasure. Each cock hit a different part of her pussy while each set of lips and tongue did the same, filling her to the absolute brim and giving her every last bit of pleasure she could possibly imagine. By the time she was able to struggle into a standing position she felt over a dozen more dicks, several more pairs of lips and numerous other sensations suddenly assault her pussy, toppling her onto her side.

“Sun and stars that feels good.” She muttered, the mare laying on her side as both hooves were clutched between her legs.

The sensations were completely and utterly overpowering, leaving Celestia unable to do anything other than lay there in complete and utter shock. Her jaw hung open and her tongue lolled out of her mouth as her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she began to shudder sporadically. She quickly lost track of how many dicks pounded away at her cunt, and how many other things were now inside her. It was all too much for the mare and it took every last bit of will power she had to drag several pillows over to her so at least she wasn't lying on the floor, bereft of comfort.

Minutes flew by in an absolute blur and the first of the dicks began to finish inside her, a strange sensation that felt exactly like receiving a powerful male orgasm only she felt no residual wetness. A hoof pressed between her legs, searching for the characteristic sensation of cum dripping out of her pussy, only to find not a single drop of the white liquid.

With one less worry out of her mind Celestia considered casting a dispel or perhaps asking for one of her top court mages to assist in such a dispelling. Only for the alicorn to shrug as she came hard, figuring she owed it to herself to enjoy this as much as possible.

Minutes, orgasms, dicks, and other things came and went at such a rapid pace that Celestia was no longer even aware of their passing. Only the seconds between one orgasm and another mattered to the mare, who was in a near constant state of overstimulated bliss.

That was until she heard a poof, followed by the haughty snicker of a certain trickster. “Oh Celestia, if you could see your face right now you would have an aneurysm! Thankfully I have a camera.”

Celestia looked up to where she saw Discord hovering over her, a camera pointed right at her. “D-d-discord you b-b-better no-” Celestia stuttered, another orgasm making words difficult to make until a flash interrupted her thoughts and temporarily blinding her.

“That's a good one, maybe we should have a whole little photo shoot, what do you say?” Discord teased, floating over the mare as she writhed on the floor, her forehooves flailing weakly and attempting to grab the camera.

“I’m going to k-kill yo-uuuuUU!” Celestia half screamed half stuttered, a trio of thick cocks sliding inside her making any attempt at moving a difficult one.

“What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sounds of your moaning.” Discord replied, cupping a hand around his ear and leaning closer to the alicorn.

Celestia grit her teeth, her right eye twitching as she tried to hold back an orgasm while also mustering the willpower to tell the draconequus off. Something massive sliding inside her and joining the dozens upon dozens of objects already inside her stopped that train of thought before it could even gain steam though. Leaving the alicorn to writhe weakly on the ground, her hooves clutching her stomach as she moaned long and hard.

“That sounds like a yes to me!” Discord declared before snapping off a few dozen pictures in rapid succession. “Oh yeah you love the camera! Work it, girl!”

Celestia tried her best to glare at the god of chaos, but could only manage to do so with one eye while the other twitched spasticity. The alicorn was so wrought with pleasure that she couldn't even really manage to hold back a treacherous moan that escaped her lips.

Discord floated back a few feet, popped open his camera and pulled out a smoking roll of film. “Oh that's a hot one, I can't wait until I get these developed, I wonder what magazine would run them. No matter, I’ll figure that all out later.” Discord remarked, snapping his fingers and causing the roll of film to vanish before Celestia’s grasping hooves had a chance to reach it.

“Auuugh!” Celestia yelled, half in irritation, half in pleasure, the mare writhing as she came again.

“You know this would be a little funner if you could do more than moan and groan.” Discord remarked, crossing his arms over his chest. “But I suppose that would ruin the fun wouldn't it?”

Celestia ground her teeth together as her body visibly shook, her hooves twitching rapidly as she lost feeling in her back legs entirely.

“How about this, if you say the words please stop, I’ll make it stop.” Discord announced, a smirk already on his lips. “Or even just stop, that's not hard right?”

Celestia opened her mouth to speak only to find herself unable to do so. At first she thought it was simply another orgasm holding her back, but she was now within the rare few seconds between such orgasms. She knew she could speak, she knew she could yell stop, it was only a monosyllabic word after all, it wouldn't really be that hard to accomplish. Regardless, the alicorn felt herself hesitate, wondering if she even could abandon such pleasure even while knowing that doing so would be admitting that Discord had won.

Despite that, Celestia couldn't bring herself to say no, couldn't bring herself to demand the chaos god to stop, as decades of stress and worry seemed to be bleeding off her every minute she was used by hundreds of other creatures at the same time. Her mouth clamped shut and the alicorn blushed even harder, her hooves remaining firmly between her legs as she refused to speak.

“Ooooh so that's how it's going to be now is it?” Discord smirked. “I like it.”

Celestia shuddered as more and more dicks came inside her, their phantom jizz splashing against her abused cervix and making her cum again.

“The spell will wear off in a few hours, after that if you want to feel this again all you have to do is wear this ring on your horn.” Discord declared, the draconequus placing a small simple black band on the alicorn’s desk. “By the looks of it, your going to want this again and again aren't you?”

Celestia bit her lip, and though she was tempted to agree with the chaos god, she refused to give him that pleasure at least.

“That's adorable, and hey maybe if your lucky next time you will finally be able to feel me inside you as well!” Discord chuckled evilly.

All Celestia could do was glare at the chaos god from her spot on the floor, her orgasms now becoming so constant that she could hardly even feel the end of one and the beginning of another.

Discord smirked and rose to his full height, the draconequus straightening a tie that had appeared out of nowhere. “Now then, I have to visit your equally up tight sister, and hey maybe I’ll see if that statement was both literal and metaphorical! Ciao!”

With a snap of his fingers the chaos god was gone, leaving a moaning mess of vaginal fluid, sweat and pleasure to writhe on the floor. The second Discord was gone Celestia abandoned all pretense of resistance and flopped out onto her back, her hooves splayed in all directions as she was pounded by more dicks then she could even count. “Oh f-fuck!” She yelled as she experienced her fifty third orgasm in the last hour.

Discord reappeared in a dark room and conjured a torch out of thin air, allowing him to see the pitch black room and it's inhabitants. “Oh Luna, where are you? There is no hiding from me little mare.” Discord whispered in a sing-songy voice.

The draconequus swept forward, holding his torch in front of him and illuminating a bed as black as pitch, which was covered by a blanket equally as dark. “Aha, there you are.” Discord declared as he noticed a bulge in the center of the bed, a bulge that was in the throws of what looked like a violent orgasm.

With a tug of his claw, the chaos god ripped off the mare’s blankets, revealing a slumbering alicorn who lay sprawled on her bed. A loud snore suddenly filled the room, shocking Discord out of his pranking mood and making him stand there in disbelief.

“Wait, are you really sleeping through an orgasm?” He muttered as he turned his head and took a glance at the mare’s cunt.

Which was like the mouth of a great river of mare cum that pooled on the bed’s surface. The mare’s pussy gaped as dozens of phantom cocks, lips, and other objects appeared and disappeared as they slid in and out of her. “I don't believe it.” He muttered, floating over to the dark alicorn’s face which was utterly blank, another snore already on her lips.

“Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.” Discord exclaimed, scratching the back of his head. “I guess I’ll just go then I suppose.”

The draconequus frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. “I mean I could wake her up but this has been such a buzzkill I think I’m just going to go back to bugging Celestia.”

He sighed and snapped his fingers.

Author's Note

If you want to read the next updates for my biggest stories at the begining of the month rather at the end, or want to get a commission from me as well as access to patreon exclusive content, and the chance to submit story requests every month, head over to my patreon!

Join me over on patreon and get instant access to exclusive content and early looks at new stories, patreon only stories and other great stuff! Check it out!
Or just join the discord to ensure that you dont miss an update.
This update was made possible by the wonderful support of readers like you: Apollyon6024, Astor Corruscare, BeenMcsqueen, Blade Tech, Canaray in the coal mine, ceepert, Corey Peters, Craig Aoki, Dale Maines, DioKyo, Doomgooey, Dragons'Sheppard1995, Facinus, Free, Grub, Ivar, Jacob Hawkins, Jacob Lorenzo, Jeffrey Perigo, Jwarrior, Kali, Lich-Lord Krosis, M, Makani, Megatyrant, Menthol Qtip, Mephia Keibin, Mike, Mikhalia Banks, Mirvra, Mop Hop, Nathan Brown, Nfreak, Octavia & Lowbar, Pacsik, Peter Coulthard, Prysm, Random reader, Ray Man, Rhys Southall, Soundtea, Starless, Steven Lawrence, Tiwake, Todd Herron, Trash Panda, Travis Houck, Venerable Ro, Vigilant Watch, Hannibal, aaaand Xvos1337!