Twilight had written to Celestia many days ago of something that was bothering her. It was an odd message to Celestia, as it was extremely vague, and Twilight had wanted to discuss things in person. Celestia took an entire day off of duties to be with her student, as this wasn't something that exactly happened all that often.
Twilight and Celestia now sat in Celestia's room, facing eachother at a table. Twilight had been staring at the table the entire time, a sad and depressed look on her face. She barely was responding to Celestia, and Celestia was fearing the worst at this point.
Celestia banged her hoofs onto the table, and with a jolt, Twilight looked up at her. She shook her head, apologizing.
"I-I'm sorry Princess! I-I've ju-just been thinking things.. and-" Before she could continue, Celestia spoke.
"Twilight. I'm here to listen." She said, a caring look on her face. "No matter how long this will take. I will listen."
Twilight nodded, her nerves being calmed. She put her hoofs on to the table, swirling them in circles. She was currently trying to process how to word her feelings into a coherent sentence, and something that wouldn't end up getting her sent to the Psychiatric Ward. She felt like she was crazy for thinking these thoughts, and to be asking questions that seem pointless. Yet it was the only thing that plagued her mind for weeks on end- and it ended up pushing her to send Celestia that letter. It seemed almost like a cry of help, of desperation, of confusion.
"I.. I read books all the time. I get lost in them, no matter the book. It could be something about science, spells, or a romantic novel. I.. find myself at the end of these books, feeling.. odd." Twilight had decided that instead of wording her words carefully and censoring herself, she was going to speak from her heart. She had convinced herself that Celestia, whether she thought her own student was crazy, was the person to tell any of this to.
"I-I've been dreaming about these books. I've been dreaming about.. what it would like to be in them. To be the person writing it or the person in it- whatever it is! Days on end of dreaming this and- and I.. I feel like I want to live in my dreams. B-But it also has led me to thoughts of death and, forever nothingness. Or-or even infinity. I think ponies simply don't question these things but- they're hard to think about.."
"The aspect of nothingness is truly hard to grasp in a world where our entire lives, nothingness has really existed. To us, there is a world, and there is air and- so many things.. But what if our universe was gone, black- nothingness? What if? I find it hard to.. think about these things. Even idea of infinity- the thought of something lasting forever, longer than space, time, existence itself.."
"A-And death.. what happens after we die..? I don't understand it- can anyone really understand death? Is it just the absence of thought and life, or is there something after-wards? Do we truly have a soul that persists through mortality? I-I.." Twilight fell silent, her body becoming stiff. Celestia was going to say something, but instead stopped herself. It was better to let Twilight continue her thoughts.
Twilight tried starting a sentence multiple times before falling silent once more. Eventually she continued on.
"I've been wanting to live in my dreams instead of reality. It sounds dumb- but.. In my dreams, I get to experience anything and everything, all I have to do is dream it. As soon as I wake up- i'm forced to continue to read, to continue to be kind and nice, and to deal with the tasks of the day. It's a repetitive cycle.. I.."
Twilight's wings were slowly moving, a hint that she was having anxiety. Slowly the wings began to fall still once more, but it would pick up movement again and again- until dying down, completely still.
Twilight suddenly let her right hoof fall onto the table, splaying it out for Celestia to see. Twilight then gulped, fear coming over her. Her horn glowed brightly as she began to cast magic upon her arm.
Suddenly, many scars and wounds began to show up.
It had been a spell that masked her wounds, covering it up. A camouflage spell.
Celestia looked at her students scarred hoof. Many seemed old, but many seemed new, almost recent. It was all around her hoof, to the end, to the sides and all around. She looked shocked, unable to come up with something to say. Instead, Twilight spoke up cautiously.
"I-I.. I've been wanting to feel something. Even if it is pain, I want to have something different.. I-I used.. I.." Twilight paused, slowly giving a deep breath and sighing.
"I used a small knife. I've been doing this for months.. It felt addicting. It felt so good- it felt so.. appealing. Yet I began to tire of it. The hurt began to become repetitive, as it always persisted all day everyday. I-I didn't know what to do- I was at a standstill with myself saying in the mirror that I should send a letter to you- yet the other side was telling me to jab the knife into my throat-" Twilight had tears running down her cheeks now, large sniffles in-between words and sentences.
"I-I wanted to see if that would be the change I needed.. To feel w-what dying felt like.. To understand it or-or try to atleast. I was so close- I was.. My friends didn't even flash into my mind at that moment- I felt like.. dying was the only answer to f-feeling.. something." Celestia felt the pressure build up in her chest. It was painful, hot, and unpleasant. Every time she swallowed, a sharp pain ran through her throat.
"T-The only thing that stopped me was Spike.. He w-walked in.. He asked what I was doing and-and I made up an excuse about how I was testing something- and.. I don't know if he believed me or not.." Twilight took her hoof off the table.
"I d-didn't want Spike to find me in my room like that.. a-and so the other side of my thoughts won.. I sent you a letter, and n-now we're here."
The two ponies stared at eachother, pain in their chests, and thoughts racing in their heads. None of them knew what to really say to the other, and they sat in silence for minutes on end. Celestia, after trying to not let her emotions get the better of her, had shed a couple tears. She held back as much as she could, and no sniffles came out either. She then spoke.
"Twilight.. I-"
All of that previous confidence, all of that previous strength of holding back those tears just a second ago had instantly broken once she opened her mouth. It hit her like a brick wall. Still- she tried to continue.
"Y-You aren't alone in this, Twi-Twilight.." She sniffled. "I too have thought a-about these things.. A-About living in my dreams, and death and- infinity.. And even hurting myself.." Celestia admitted, Twilight's eyes now staring into hers with a surprised face, and also concern.
"B-But if we think about the nothingness in life- we begin to-.. to lose track of the journey. I-if my life will end eventually and- nothing persists after that.. Then it is a-all the more reason for me to try my hardest.. I-if my life really meant nothing, then why was I given the opportunity to live..? I-instead of just.. being apart of the nothingness..?"
Twilight was a little confused on what Celestia was saying, but understood the core message.
"I-I could not live to see my student die at her own hoofs from something like this.. I-I.. I would've done something I might have regretted."
Twilight got up from her seat, and hugged Celestia, who'm hugged her back. Both ponies crying still, their tears wetting eachother's backs.
"I-I won't do anything like that, Princess Celestia.. I-I was close and.. I-I almost throw up thinking about it.."
Celestia sniffled, still tight in the hug.
"Y-you may think the universe doesn't care about you, but I do.. I-I always have.. If you were to.. to.." Twilight tightened the hug further, and sniffled loudly with a small chuckle.
"I-I'm not planning on leaving a-anytime soon.. S-So you're stuck with me, Princess.."
A small chuckle came from Celestia at the statement. She pulled away.
"Y-You aren't stuck if you want to be there.." Celestia said with a smile, tears still flowing from her face. Twilight stared back, a smile also on her face.
Both ponies didn't answer their questions. Both ponies didn't answer death, nothingness, infinity, and life itself.
The small talk had instead been a flow of emotions. There was no real reason to think about the things they did- there was no real reason to feel the way they did.
But they did.
They didn't let it take over. Instead, they decided to be in eachothers hoofs, admitting their fears and questions about life.
And they took it all one step at a time.
Author's Note
A short one-shot story about Twilight talking to Celestia about an Existential Crisis.
This is something that plagues people's minds, and has been something I had been dealing with for a long time in my life. It was something that has always been there- and I don't know if this was even the right way to write it.
But I hope this story lets anyone out there that have these feelings to know that even if a land of friendly, peaceful ponies did exist, they would have the same trouble as us.
I like to live through my stories a lot, even the ones I don't post. That is something that keeps me going. Find something that keeps you going, to keep you motivated. Even if that is starting a story that you don't know how to write.
Even if that means to start as a beginner and work your way up to mastery. Even if that means no one will read your story- do something.
You aren't alone.
Thank you for reading.
