It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Chapters

I - A Frozen Hell
II - Best Not Speak Ill of the Dead...
III - ...Lest They Rise From Their Graves Seeking Vengeance
IV - Fueled Up
V - Culture Shock
VI - Unlikely Allies
VII - Getting Acquantied
VIII - Just Another Day at the Office
X - Don't Trust the Media
XI - Rekindling the Expedition
XII - Big Game Hunters
IX - If Something Seems Too Easy...

I - A Frozen Hell

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

I - A Frozen Hell

__________

A lone firebat trudged miserably through the deep snow on Braxis. It wasn’t that there was a battle taking place there, or going to take place, or expected to take place, or anything. In fact, now was the first period of peace and quiet the Koprulu sector had seen in decades. With the defeat of the Queen of Blades on the Zerg homeworld Char, one could finally breathe easy knowing that they would not have to look at the night sky in fear that an alien menace could descend at any moment and massacre all life on their home planet.

Just like Tarsonis, the firebat thought to himself. Despite being closely associated with neurally resocialized criminals, mass murderers and psychotic pyromaniacs that the flamethrower-wielding firebats were known for being--himself simply being a volunteer to the corps--he still shuddered whenever he thought of Tarsonis’ fate.

Tarsonis was once the seat of power of the Confederacy, a strong standing yet corrupt government that had been struck down when the Zerg invaded en masse. Not a single Terran was left alive after the onslaught, thus the once powerful Confederacy met a sudden and gruesome end. At least, people thought it was an invasion. If the audio recording that was broadcasted throughout the sector by the alleged terrorist group "Raynor's Raiders" was anything close to legitimate, then Emperor Mengsk of the Dominion had summoned the Zerg to Tarsonis to do his dirty work in destroying the Confederacy for him.

The firebat chuckled to himself at the thought. Deep in his heart of hearts he had always been anti-Dominion ever since its conception. For that matter he had always been anti-Confederacy as well. They had both been corrupt and exploitative to the majority of the people under their control. The Dominion, however, was a different story. They were not only corrupt, but they also had the gall to justify the things that they had done through propaganda and straight up lies. To see a government like that put in the hotseat by a simple radio broadcast was extremely satisfying to the firebat. It reminded him of his history lessons about the Russian revolution on Old Earth: a small group of idealists overthrowing a faulty government, only to replace it with something just as bad, if not worse.

Even though Mengsk had lost the hearts and minds of his subjects, he was still in control of the military. Or more accurately, General Warfield was still loyal to him. While the firebat hated the Dominion and everything it stood for, it was still the only real stable government in the Koprulu sector, so he decided to stay rather than go rogue. More than that, he was loyal to the General himself. Regardless of his poor choice of government to support, the man was still a brilliant leader and had almost never lost a battle where he was in command. Plus, he had a robot arm that could transform into a cannon. How many people could do that?

But now that there was a moment of peace, Warfield had decided to establish a base on Braxis again for re establishment in the future. The icy planet had once held a Dominion stronghold, but the world had since been “purified” by the Protoss, wiping what Terrans there were from the face of the planet. It was only now that the Dominion had taken interests in the frozen wasteland again.

And so, here we find our quite literally fiery hero, patrolling the outermost perimeter of the base.

Why? Why has it got to be snow? It wasn’t so much that the firebat disliked the snow, and more so that it reached up past his knees. That, coupled with the enormous, bulky, three and a half thousand pound suit he was wearing, made walking unpleasant at best and excruciating at worst. In fact, he actually quite liked the snow. He had many fond memories of he and his friends playing in some of the intense snow storms of Tyrador VIII. Building snowmen, sledding, having snowball fights of epic proportions... the firebat was so distracted by the memories that he nearly missed his checkpoint for where he was supposed to deliver a status report.

"Patrol seven-nine to command, no contacts at rally point sigma, over," he said hurriedly.

*Roger that patrol seven-nine, continue on to the next one,* the man on the radio said in a bored tone.

"Don’t sound so excited," the firebat teased, opting to forgo protocol for a moment.

*Oh, up yours,* the radioman said, abandoning radio protocol as well, *At least I'm not freezing my ass off out there with you, Caulk.*

"Speak for yourself, Archie. My suit keeps my ass nice and warm."

*Thank you for keeping me updated on the status of your ass. Wanna hear ‘bout mi-*

The firebat grinned as he broke the call before Archie could finish his sentence. Caulk. That was the name all the other firebats on station called him. The CMC-660 Heavy Combat Suit was known for having the volatile gases and liquids from their Perdition flamethrower tanks seep into the operator compartment, the fumes giving the pilot a drug-like high. Since most firebats were notorious for being psychotic pyromaniacs, they enjoyed the fumes, and let them go ahead and seep on through. Caulk, on the other hand, was not a psychotic pyromaniac, so he, like most other volunteers, of which there were precious few, had "caulked" the inside of his suit by spraying a rubber sealant all over the inside surface, thus keeping the noxious chemicals out. Being the only firebat on station that had done that, the others named him accordingly. Amusingly, he was also the best firebat on the station as a result of his sobriety.

Caulk continued the arduous trek on his patrol route. This next point brought him up to the mouth of a dark chasm in a cliff that drew close to the base camp. One could only see about a hundred meters into it before their visibility was brought to zero from the shadows. Each time Caulk looked down the chasm a chill went up his spine. He was not much of a superstitious man, but no one would deny that there was some kind of an evil spirit in that trench, and he had even been on the hell that was Char without getting the same feeling. Even the reapers on site, criminals whose minds were so twisted that not even conventional neural resocialization could tame, felt slightly perturbed, to speak nothing of some of the faint-hearted SCV pilots.

Despite the fear Caulk harbored of the chasm, something in the back of his mind made him want to explore it. He feared the unknown as everyone does, but he also wanted to find the truth of the matter so that there would be nothing more to fear. Regardless, he still could not work up enough guts. As Caulk neared the mouth of the chasm he could feel his heart beat faster and his breathing accelerated.

Maybe I could just walk straight on past it, he thought, I could just tell them there was nothing there.

But no, that was the coward’s way out. Caulk had a job to do and he was going to do it well, even if it meant his demise or insanity, whichever came first. He couldn’t help but think that his stubbornness was going to win him a medal, either via combat valor or a purple heart in his death... or both.

Casting the morbid thoughts to the side, Caulk arrived at the mouth. It was just as dark as it always was, and no matter how hard he strained his eyes he could not see more than those hundred meters. Also as always, there was nothing of notable interest in the area he could see. After a few moments, Caulk noticed a slight increase in the wind. He turned and looked at the sky and saw dark clouds that heralded the near apocalyptic cold temperatures, hurricane force winds and epic blizzards that Braxis was known for off in the distance. He would need to hurry his patrol to avoid the storm, as not even the mighty Crucio siege tanks could withstand such extreme weather.

Just as Caulk was about to deliver his report back to base, he looked back down the chasm and saw, just barely, a bipedal figure looking back at him. They both stood there, neither making a move for what seemed like half an hour. At which point, the figure turned back into the chasm, being obscured by shadow once more.

Caulk simply stared dumbstruck for a few moments before he came back to his senses. Who was that? Or more importantly what was it? Caulk could not make out more than the basic shape, so for all he knew it could have been a Terran, Protoss or some new strain of Zerg. Infested Terran, maybe? He certainly hoped not: if the Protoss discovered Zerg infestation spores on Braxis they would no doubt glass the planet. They had done it before, particularly on Chau Sara, and later on Mar Sara. At least they had given the Terrans time to evacuate from the latter; Caulk prayed that they would be so generous again.

Realizing he was starting to panic a bit, Caulk calmed himself down to think through this properly. It was highly unlikely that it was an Infested Terran, as the weather of Braxis was harsh even by Zerg standards, and they never would have been able to make it here in their disorganized state. Caulk thought he could also rule out another Terran, as he would have been informed of anyone heading into the chasm, especially through rumors if they made it over the fear they all held of it. As for Protoss... he knew that this world was once a Protoss colony, but they had since abandoned it when the global temperatures dropped like a block of depleted uranium thrown out of a battlecruiser in high orbit. Whatever it was, Caulk wanted to know.

"Patrol seven-nine to command, I have encountered an unknown entity at rally point tau. Requesting permission to pursue, over." There was a momentary pause, which Caulk assumed was Archie consulting the Colonel.

*Patrol seven-nine, you have permission to pursue. Be advised you have at most four hours to get back to base before that storm hits,* then, as an afterthought, Archie added: *Watch yourself out there, Caulk. Command out.*

Ho boy, Caulk thought, Here we go.

Caulk's first steps into the chasm where halting at first, but steadily became easier. Soon he reached the point where the darkness obscured everything entirely and promptly turned on his suit’s chest-mounted lights. He realized that the chasm never split into multiple paths, in fact it hardly even turned at all. He walked for what seemed like hours, but eventually he finally arrived at the end of the chasm, only to find that there was a wide cave opening at the end. Unsure of what to make of it, he realized that there was nowhere else to go but through the cave, much to his chagrin.

Well, I made it this far, Caulk thought, I can keep going.

Tentatively, Caulk entered the cave and was soon enveloped in a chilling darkness. As with the chasm, he walked for what seemed like hours yet again. After a time, he realized that the walls, ceiling and floor were all smooth and made of what appeared to be a strange alloy of metal.

This cave isn’t a cave, Caulk realized with excitement, Who built it? Was it the Protoss?

As if in answer to his question, the tunnel opened out into a vast chamber that Caulk could not see the walls to. Upon his entry, however, the chamber was illuminated with a bright, white light that forced Caulk to squeeze his eyes shut. He quickly turned off his suit lights and slowly opened his eyes, only to gape at the venue before him. The opposite wall was about a hundred meters from where he stood and the chamber stretched nearly a kilometer both left and right. Lining the walls that he could now see were about two hundred raised, circular platforms, each with a short stairway on the front and what looked like a large ring stood up on the platform. Everything Caulk saw had a sleek design with a gray or black coloration and glowing blue trim. Caulk recognized the architectural style as being of Xel'Naga origin. The Xel’Naga were an ancient race that created both the Protoss and the Zerg, as well as numerous artifacts of untold power. They were... the gods of their time.

So if this is all made by the Xel'Naga, then what are all these things?, Caulk wondered, utterly awestruck. He could practically feel his pupils turn into credit signs. This place could potentially be worth billions.

Having been born and raised on Tyrador VIII, known for its centers of higher learning, Caulk new quite a bit about the Xel'Naga. He racked his brains trying to think of what the devices might be as he looked around the room. His attention was then drawn to one of the platforms on the opposite wall and far to the right, as it was glowing a bright white in the area bounded by the ring. At the base of the steps Caulk spied a shadowy, bipedal figure that he immediately identified as the figure he saw in the chasm. It was still too far away from Caulk for him to describe it, but he could still see a pair of evil-looking, glowing red eyes on what he assumed to be its face... and it was looking directly at him.

After another round of dumbstruck staring, the figure broke eye contact and strode up the steps, across the platform and into the glowing ring, where it promptly vanished in a flash of light.

Warp gates! The realization hit Caulk harder than a Vulture bike gang on acid. Aw man, I've gotta report this. These gates could take us anywhere in the galaxy! But there's no way I can get in radio contact from down here.

With that, Caulk ran as fast as he could back to the mouth of the cave, which wasn't very fast what with his enormous suit. When he arrived at the mouth of the cave, Caulk cursed himself for forgetting about the storm. He could hear the wind roaring like a Crucio shock cannon over the chasm, as well as seeing the enormous snow drifts coming down.

"Patrol seven-nine to command, do you read me? I have been trapped in the chasm located at rally point tau, over."

*...Bzzzzzzt...*

"Command, please respond, over!"

*...Bzzzzzzt...*

Caulk's blood ran cold. He was now not only stranded in this chasm until the storm blew over, but had no contact with the base. Worst of all, he had no food or water, and the giant storms of Braxis were known to last well over a week before beginning to subside.

With a loud CLUNK! the lone firebat sat down, hard, on his rear. His usual energetic and playful demeanor evaporated now that he was faced with his own mortality. He sat in a brooding silence for a long time, thinking about all the coulda-shoulda-wouldas in his life. Suddenly a thought occurred to him that brought a grin to his face again.

I'm not entirely stranded here.

With a flash, Caulk sprang to his feet and ran as fast as he could--which again, was not very fast--back down the cave and into the chamber of warp gates. He steadily approached the still active warp gate that he had seen the shadowy figure enter, but hesitated as he reached the base of the steps.

Did he really want to do this? Who knew what waited on the other side for him? If he went through there was no guarantee he could go back. After a moment’s thought he came to the conclusion:

I'm going to die if I stay here anyway. I might have a chance if I go through... Alright. Let's do this.

And with that, Caulk went up the steps, across the platform, and into the warp gate.

~~~

Princess Celestia's sun beat down on her as she rode on her chariot back to Equestria's capitol of Canterlot. She had just left the small town of Appleloosa where this year's Summer Sun Celebration had taken place. The town had only been established about two years ago, and the huge masses of ponies gathering for the celebration had brought it much needed business and helped it grow significantly. Celestia smiled as she thought back to the whole spiel of her personal student, Twilight Sparkle, and her friends trying to make peace between an angry herd of Buffaloes and the equally angry residents of Appleloosa.

Her student and her friends had never ceased to amaze her with their abilities to solve conflicts of nearly any scale with only a few well-chosen words. It was a perfect reflection on how Celestia's efforts to transform Equestria into the land of peace and harmony had influenced each of its residents.

Celestia watched the small town grow smaller and smaller as their distance from it grew. Eventually it faded from her sight, when at that point she sensed a strange new presence in her "sixth sense" as it were. Being the powerful magic user that she was--being powerful enough to move the sun around in the cosmos--Celestia could feel the very life forces that every pony possessed at all times, in effect allowing her to "watch" her subjects at all times. She wasn't able to control the ability, it was intrinsic to the point where she hardly noticed it unless she made a conscious effort to do so. This new aura was not significant in that it was particularly powerful, in fact it was actually very weak in comparison to ponies, dragons, gryphons and every other race that existed in the world. No, what made it profound was that it was vastly different from anything she had ever encountered, like a black sheep in a herd of white sheep. But whatever this new presence was, it was very close.

She swiveled her head around, trying to get a good fix on the entity's location. There it was: almost directly to the right.

"Turn to the right!" Celestia shouted, as she had to make her voice heard over the wind, "There is something down there that I want to see."

The pegasus guards pulling her chariot simply grunted an affirmative and slowly banked to the right, dropping altitude all the while.

The faint pinpoint Celestia was watching brought her to a large outcropping of rock after only a few minutes of flying in their new course. As they neared it, Celestia noticed a wide cave opening at the base of the bluff.

"Bring us down there," she ordered her guards as she indicated the cave opening.

As they descended and the distance shortened, Celestia could tell that the cave was not a natural formation. It had smooth edges at the mouth that had clearly been excavated by some ancient, intelligent force. What that force might have been, she had no idea, but had a suspicion that whatever she was sensing was one of said entities.

The chariot shook as it hit the ground with a jolt. Celestia winced as it did so. She couldn't help but feel that that particular maneuver put a tremendous amount of strain on the chariot. She always had to remind herself that these chariots were specifically designed for this task, and would withstand the impact entirely.

Celestia stepped off the chariot the instant it stopped moving and was about to waltz straight into the cave before one of her guards stopped her.

"Ma'am, with all due respect, I think one or the both of us should go with you. Whether or not you know what's down there, we don't want to leave you unprotected."

The Princess of the Sun frowned inwardly. She had been so excited to see what was within this unnatural cave that she had almost thrown caution to the wind. She really did not know what exactly was down there, only that it was something never before seen in Equestria. Yet, that alone was reason enough for her to be cautious. Whatever was down there had every potential to be a threat to her and her subjects.

"Of course," Celestia said in agreement, "In fact, I want both of you to come. In all honesty I do not know what is in there."

No sooner had those words left her mouth had her guards unbuckled themselves from their harnesses and were standing in front of her at attention, waiting for her to lead the way. Celestia smiled: these guards would gladly give their lives if it meant saving the Princess. Loyalty like that demanded respect and admiration.

Turning to the cave entrance, Celestia was able to observe it in its entirety. It was a hexagonal shape that was about two and a half times taller than she was. Other than that, there was nothing particularly significant about it. All it appeared to be was an artificially made cave.

Realizing that she was just standing there staring at the cave, Celestia steadily entered, her guards matching her pace and staying close to her sides. The first thing Celestia noticed was that it immediately became so dark she could not see her own hoof in front of her face, and had to illuminate the cavern with light from her horn. The second thing she noticed was that the tunnel was starting to angle downwards at a steep decline, meaning that it was now taking them into the bowels of the earth.

They were walking down the steep corridor for so long that Celestia had lost track of the time. Even one of her guards, in all his hardened demeanor had struggled to stifle an audible yawn. Usually, a lapse in their stoic manner while on guard duty would cause them to be reprimanded by their commanding officers should they hear about it. Fortunately for the guard, Celestia did not plan to report it, as even she was starting to wonder if the tunnel would ever end.

As the three descended, they started to notice that the air was becoming difficult to breathe.

We're going to need to turn back soon, Celestia thought to herself with concern, or else we will suffocate here.

The moment she completed this thought, the tunnel leveled out and opened up into a hemispherical cavern about twice as tall as the tunnel they had just been walking through. The first thing Celestia noticed as she entered was what resembled a large, circular stage that plays would be performed on with a row of steps at the front, and a large, thick hoop turned on its side that was sitting at the back edge of the "stage." The area inside the hoop looked to have an opaque pane of glass that was glowing white and appeared to be moving like looking down at a lake from above. The "stage" itself was a dark, polished gray and had glowing blue lines spider-webbing across its surface. As Celestia observed it, the white field in the hoop started to flicker, and after a few seconds faded into oblivion, allowing Celestia to see the wall behind where it had been.

"What," one of her guards spoke up, "is that?"

"I am not sure. It almost looks like some kind of stage, but I do not know what a stage would be doing down here..." Celestia trailed off as she looked down at the base of the steps and realized what the guard was referring to.

"No, no, that thing on the ground there."

Lying on the ground at the base of the steps was what appeared to be a massive heap of orange machinery. Celestia approached it warily to observe it and she could sense her guards tense next to her. Its design appeared to be alien in origin and was far more advanced than anything Celestia had ever seen before. Whatever the pile was, it was emanating that faint but strange aura she had sensed earlier on the flight back to Canterlot. There was no way the mound of metal could possibly be alive, so Celestia chalked it up to the fact that it was simply so advanced it had its own aura of energy from whatever powered it.

As Celestia came close to it, she found that it was actually some kind of bipedal automaton. It had incredibly thick, stocky arms and legs. Its legs ended in a pair of massive metal feet that were as long as Celestia's leg. Its arms ended in huge, five digit hands with one opposable thumb and four fingers. On its forearms were gigantic gauntlets that covered the top of its forearms and hands, as well as an extra pair of large cylinders resting on either side of its forearms. Protruding from each of the gauntlets were two large cones that almost resembled claws, only they were tipped with wide openings instead of points. Attached to its back were two large, cylindrical tanks that were longer than Celestia was tall, and as wide as one of the wheels on her chariot. Running from the bottom of each of the cylinders on its back were very thick, black, flexible tubes that connected to the back of its gauntlets. Covering its shoulders were massive plates of metal that would have crushed a pony if one could be pried loose. The only "small" part of the machine was what appeared to be its head. It had an almost comical, spherical shape and she could only see the cap of it, as the rest was covered by the colossal solid piece that made what appeared to be its torso.

Celestia reached out with a golden-shod forehoof and gently poked it. The machine made a profound lack of movement with the touch. She pushed on it again, this time attempting to make its arm shift position. Not only did the machine remain immobile, she also found that it was completely immovable.

"I have no idea," Celestia said in response to the guard that had asked what it was, "I only know that it is not from here."

II - Best Not Speak Ill of the Dead...

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

II - Best Not Speak Ill of the Dead...

__________

Pain. No matter our differences, it is the one thing that unites us. It does not care if you are black or white, rich or poor, man or woman. "God" is not just a noun, it is also an adjective. It describes something that is everywhere at once and sees everything at once. Pain is the god that rules the living, the one we all recognize yet abhor and fear. And yet, it teaches us so much more than the gods of recognizable religions, and does so without words. It tells us when we are doing something wrong and when we are doing something right. It acts as our conscience, causing guilt when we act wrongly. It cannot be bargained with, it cannot be placated. It can have a cruel sense of humor at times, but will never willingly take a life. When you feel pain, you know it. Sometimes it simply pokes at you as when you get a cut. Sometimes it immobilizes you as when you get shot.

Have you ever tried to imagine pain? Or recall it from memory? You will find that it is nothing short of impossible. You only feel pain when it is with you, and when it leaves you cannot call it back until it chooses to do so. It plays by its own rules, and we play by its, not the other way around.

But as with any god, it chooses to stay with its prophets.

~~~

When Caulk entered the warp gate, lots of things happened instantaneously. Firstly, he was met with a blinding flash of white light. Next, he experienced the sensation of having his body ripped apart on a molecular level, then on an atomic level and so on, until the matter that made up his body was converted into pure energy and data, which was then sent through a quantum link to another warp gate. Upon its arrival, the energy was converted back into the matter it once composed, and the data carried with it was used to arrange the matter into its original shape.

The entire process took exactly 0.0230 nanoseconds.

When the process was finished, however, Caulk found himself being launched through the air and landing on a hard surface. The process of being torn apart and slammed back together also left Caulk experiencing an indescribable magnitude of pain throughout his body. He could not move. He could not scream. He could not think. There was only the pain. After several, agonizing seconds which felt like hours to him, his body reached the point where it could not bear it, and shut down, waiting for the pain to pass.

~~~

When Celestia had decided to bring the enormous, orange machination with her back to Canterlot, she did not anticipate just how difficult the task would be. When she and her two guards were back in the cave that they had found the machine in, she had told them that she wanted to take it with her. The instant the words left her mouth, Celestia saw her guards' eyes widen at the proposal. She could practically hear them think: "There is no BUCKING way we can carry this thing."

Fortunately for the guards' backs, Celestia chose to carry the machine with her magic herself back to the mouth of the cave. Once there, she went to her chariot and fetched a short roll of paper and quill, and sent a message back to Canterlot, telling them to send a cargo chariot. When the team of six pegasi pulling the cargo chariot arrived and saw the colossal heap of orange, they had a reaction identical to that of Celestia's two guards that were in the cave.

Despite the team's unspoken protests, the machine was loaded and strapped onto the chariot. The team was reluctant to try and fly the massive machine all the way to the capitol, but still they attempted anyways. They gained speed while on the ground very slowly, but remarkably, they managed to get it off the ground. At least, they did for a few seconds, at which point the chariot and team came crashing down onto the ground.

After a quick brainstorm, Celestia ordered her two guards to assist the team of cargo pegasi, which they obliged. Now without a usable chariot of her own, Celestia chose to abandon her original chariot at the cave and opted to sit with the machine. The team started off a bit easier this time, and even managed to remain airborne for a few minutes. Still, even with the added help of the two guards, they were still required to land again, albeit a bit smoother in relation to the last attempt.

Celestia started to grow desperate for a solution at this point, should she send for more ponies to help carry the chariot? No, she was already late to Canterlot as it was with this... unexpected delay. So what could she do? Celestia looked around in hopes that something would give her some much needed inspiration when her eyes alighted on one of the spare flight harnesses that were kept on the chariot.

Taking a deep breath, she picked it up with her magic and brought it around to the front of the chariot and attached it in front of her two guards. While Celestia was buckling herself into the harness she could feel the surprised eyes of eight pegasi staring at her. Celestia didn't blame them. It had been well over a thousand years since the last time she had ever pulled a chariot. The nervousness she felt about the coming task was not the result of the idea that she would have to play an active role in pulling the chariot for the first time in generations, but something much more personal. It was more that the entire team of eight stallions behind her would have a full on view of her flank.

Swallowing her pride, Celestia looked over her shoulder to face the pegasi team behind her and said in as motivational a voice as she could muster,

"Alright, ponies, it's go big or go home now. Anypony want to back out?" She paused for a moment but was met with silence. "Didn't think so. Front up and earn it!" Celestia turned her head back to face forward and clamped her eyes shut.

I'm really glad I am not a hoofball coach right now, she thought.

Much to her surprise, however, Celestia's little speech earned a small chorus of "Yeah!", "All right!" and "Let's do it!"

With Celestia leading the way, emboldened by the team's positive feedback, the team of now nine ponies surged forward. Even though it had been a very long time since she had pulled a chariot and was somewhat out of shape in comparison to those days, Celestia found that the chariot was indeed much heavier than anything she had carried before. Putting as much effort as she could into it, the team lifted the now forty-five hundred pound chariot into the sky. Despite being relatively out of shape, Celestia's significantly larger size to most ponies gave her the physical strength of two strong stallions.

The amount of exertion the team put into moving the chariot was astounding, but still they managed to keep it in the air. After what seemed like an entire day, the chariot dropped hard onto the landing platform outside the palace in Canterlot, making a loud crack that none of the team were willing to put much thought into. A unicorn guard standing watch immediately noticed the extraordinary fatigue the entire team had, including in Celestia, and ran into the barracks. The guard emerged with a dozen pitchers of water and Captain Shining Armor, both in a dead sprint towards the chariot.

By this time, Celestia had managed to pull the harness off of herself, but was now lying on her stomach gasping for breath. The guard with the water had insisted upon giving her one of the water pitchers which she accepted without hesitation, gulping it down greedily.

"Princess! What happened? Why were you pulling the chariot yourself?" Shining Armor was practically shouting while Celestia was not even finished with her water. She could really see the similarities in character between he and his sister, Twilight Sparkle. They were both extremely devoted to anything or anyone they put their mind to. It was no wonder the two of them had managed to become the respected members of society they were today.

"Calm down, Captain. Nothing happened. I just wanted to get back to Canterlot without any further delays," Celestia said, unwilling to use the formal tone she usually spoke with on account of her fatigue.

"But what could possibly have been so important that you had to pull this yourself? We would have understood if you were late so why didn't you send for more ponies?" Evidently, Shining refused to calm down and was still in hysterics.

"Because no job is beneath a leader. As for what... look in the chariot for yourself." With that, Shining hesitantly went to the back of the chariot and looked inside. Celestia could see the whites of his eyes from her position over sixty hoof-lengths away. Evidently perturbed by what he saw, Shining walked back to Celestia at the front of the chariot, who by now had gotten a chance to catch her breath.

"W-What is that thing?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"To be honest, I do not know," Celestia admitted. "The best I can tell you is that it is some kind of automaton. Whatever its purpose might be, however, escapes me."

"But is it dangerous? We can't risk this thing turning on and going on a rampage, so what do we do with it?" Shining asked. From his perspective, they had stumbled upon a giant, metal machine of unknown origin that may or may not be intended to--or at least capable of--causing a massive amount of damage.

"It is not dangerous at the moment," Celestia said, attempting to ease the diligent guard captain's fears. "But otherwise I do agree with you. For that, I want you to have this stored in the dungeon. The walls there should be able to contain it, in the event it reactivates."

"Yes, Ma'am," Shining said with a salute, satisfied with the decision. He turned to leave for the barracks to gather more guards to haul the chariot to the dungeon.

"Oh, and Captain?" Celestia called before he was out of earshot.

"Yes?"

"Ensure that my guards and the rest of the ponies pulling this chariot are given a week's paid vacation. They have earned it."

"Of course, your Highness. Anything else?"

"Yes. Tell my sister about everything here. I need to go to sleep." With that, Celestia stood up and walked slowly into the palace.

~~~

Caulk pushed himself off the ash-covered ground and turned back to face the enormous Torrasque that had already killed the rest of his platoon. He took a moment to get a better look at the monstrosity. It resembled an ultralisk, only much, much larger. The Torrasque probably stood at a good eight meters rather than the usual ultralisk's five. It had four legs that were the size of trees and four arms that ended in its enormous kaiser blades. The upper two were pushing nine meters in length and the lower two were closer to six. Its head was small in comparison to the rest of his body, but was still the size of Caulk's suit, if not larger. Extending from the back of its head was a colossal, armored crest that covered its entire back. Caulk wondered as to how such an enormous creature could exist on land.

Caulk's brief respite was shattered when the Torrasque unleashed a hellish roar, enraged that its prey had managed to evade it for so long. The Torrasque charged at Caulk, pulling back one of its larger kaiser blades in preparation for a sweeping strike that would cleave Caulk's body in two like a hot knife through butter. Just as it reached Caulk, he dove onto the ground to the side to avoid being trampled, and dodged the kaiser blade by mere centimeters. The instant he hit the ground, Caulk rolled onto his back and blasted the Torrasque's side with his Perdition flamethrowers, achieving little more than a few scorch marks and an even more enraged Torrasque.

I don't have enough firepower to bring this thing down, Caulk thought as he picked himself up off the ground. He looked around the volcanic battlefield for something that would help. He noticed one of his fellow firebats had been hacked apart by who-knows-what, and one of his flamethrower tanks had a small puncture that was slowly leaking Perdition fuel. An idea formed in his mind that was equally as insane and suicidal as this entire mission to Char.

Running over to the firebat's remains, Caulk grabbed the leaking fuel tank and ripped it from its owner's back. He let out a sharp whistle to get the Torrasque's attention and ran right up in front of it. Uncontrollable rage and fury burned in the Torrasque's eyes, but for some reason it paused, possibly in surprise from the bold move. Caulk cocked his arm back and sent the fuel tank flying straight at the Torrasque's face. The monstrosity caught the tank in its jaws and crushed it with enough force to break diamond, splattering the Perdition fuel all over its face, mouth and throat.

Since Caulk was right at the perfect distance from the Torrasque, it didn't need to charge. All it had to do was bring its kaiser blades back to slice him right in half. Just as the blades began their rapid journey towards his midsection, Caulk dove forward, even closer to the Torrasque, such that it could not reach it even with its shorter blades. During the dive, he rotated his body so that he would land on his back. Now having noticed this change in situation, the Torrasque leaned down to snap Caulk up in its jaws, giving him an unusually grim demise. Just as its head came into range, Caulk blasted it again. This time, however, the Perdition fuel that coated its face, mouth and throat was ignited, torching the Torrasque through its unarmored mouth.

The Torrasque let out an ear-splitting roar, this time out of pain rather than rage. Caulk scrambled away from the flailing beast to avoid getting crushed. He stood up a good distance away and watched with satisfaction as the Torrasque thrashed. Soon, the flames burned through its skull and instantly incinerated its brain. The Torrasque's roars and thrashing immediately stopped as it died and crashed to the ground.

Now that that's done, Caulk thought as he turned back around to face the carnage before him. The sudden realization that his entire platoon laid dead before him was sobering. Yet, for some reason the crushing emotions never came, as though the shock had overloaded his mind.

Did this finally break me? Caulk wondered with fear, Have I finally lost it?

~~~

"...So now it's contained in the dungeon until we can figure out what to do with it," Shining Armor concluded his description of current events to Princess Luna with.

"And my sister? Where is she?" Luna asked. She had been working on adjusting her speech for some time now, and was proud to say she had finally made the switch to modern Equestrian.

"Asleep in her chambers, your Highness. The flight took a toll on her," explained Shining.

"Very well. I would like to see this 'machine' for myself. If you would kindly lead the way?" Luna's view of the situation was much less... cautious than her sister's or the Guard Captain's. Being the Princess of the Night, she found it exciting that something could come from the stars that she so adored.

"Of course. Right this way."

The walk to the dungeon was surprisingly short. Contrary to what logic might dictate, the most dangerous threats to society were not kept as far as possible from the center of Equestrian government. The philosophy was not without reason, however. It was guided by the old dictum: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

The dungeon was an underground structure directly beneath the Royal Guard barracks, for obvious reasons. The only way to get into the dungeon was by going down a steep ramp that led to a massive steel portcullis. It had another wooden gate that was meant more for protection against the elements that would be lowered during the Autumn and Winter months. Now, though, the wooden gate was open. The inside walls of the dungeon were made of bare, reinforced concrete and had no windows whatsoever. Despite the lack of natural light, the dungeon was still well lit with countless lamps hung on the walls. The actual shape of the dungeon was little more than a long corridor with its cells lining the sides. The corridor itself was seventy-five hoof-lengths tall and a hundred wide. The cells each had a thick steel door with a small sliding window. Fortunately, Equestria had few criminals and so the vast majority of the cells were vacant.

Closer to the portcullis the cells were smaller, intended for inhabitants such as ponies, gryphons and other creatures of similar size. These cells occupied the first third of the corridor. The second third was lined with larger cells that had wider, thicker steel doors and much thicker walls. These cells were used to house larger species such as Diamond Dogs and Minotaurs. Due to the more aggressive nature of these creatures, these were the most frequently occupied cells. The final third of the corridor had only a few very large cells with massive steel doors that could only be opened with heavy machinery. These cells were used to contain the largest of creatures, such as fully grown dragons. Fortunately, these were the least used as creatures of this size preferred to remain solitary and did not threaten populated areas. At present, only one of these larger cells was occupied.

As Shining Armor and Luna walked down the corridor, Luna began to feel perturbed by the dungeon. It bothered her that Equestria had inhabitants that were so terrible that they needed to be locked away. Despite all this, she deemed it a necessary evil. During the period that Luna's body was dominated by Nightmare Moon, she had been imprisoned on the moon for her crimes. At the time she felt enraged at that. Although now that she had had time to think back on it, Luna recognized that it was the best decision for everypony. She did not agree with everything the dungeon stood for, but it was in society's best interests. It contained dangerous individuals and it was keeping them locked away for good reason.

Shining guided Luna down past the smaller cells, which did not surprise her. Based on Shining's description, there was no way the machine could have been able to fit inside. What surprised her was that they continued walking past the larger cells and to the massive Class-3 ones.

"Just how large was this machine, anyway?" Luna asked in confusion.

"Big enough to break the suspension on the chariot when it landed. Those things aren't designed to carry loads like that. Mostly we carry food or other lighter supplies on cargo chariots. Something of this thing's size should have been taken here on a train. And since we couldn't move it, we had to bring it down here with it still in the chariot, broken suspension and all. It was a... nightmare to say the least." Luna noticed Shining's pause, however slight, before he said "nightmare." Luna frowned at that. She wished ponies would stop worrying about offending her by bringing up the ordeal. It bothered Luna, yes, but that was a personal problem that she had to work out on her own.

"I see. So this is it, then?" Luna asked as they stopped in front of the one occupied Class-3 cell.

"This is it. I'd rather not open the door but there's always the sliding panel," Shining said as he opened the small window slit.

Luna's jaw dropped as she beheld the machine. It was obviously alien in origin, being made entirely of metal components. Most Equestrian, Gryphon and Minotaurian machinery was mostly made of wood and only having metal where a large amount of strength was required. It was not that it could not be done, but it was very expensive to do so. As fascinated as she was, Luna still wanted to get a closer look at the machine.

"Open the door," she ordered.

"Ma'am?"

"I said, open the door," this time a little more forcefully.

"... Right away, Ma'am," Shining complied with trepidation. He did not like exposing anypony to the machine, least of all the princesses. Still, he knew his place. Shining's horn glowed as he activated the door's opening mechanisms. With a loud grind, the door slowly inched open. He was only willing to open it as much as was needed for a pony to fit through.

When the door stopped, Luna trotted into the cell, barely holding back her excitement. Now that she was able to get a better look at the machine, she found that it had countless markings on it. The vast majority of the marks were scratches in the paint and small, insignificant dents. One that caught Luna's eye were three, parallel gouges on the machines right shoulder plate. The only thing that Luna thought could make such a mark was a large, clawed creature similar to a Diamond Dog. An interesting thing she noticed about the gouges were that they had been painted over instead of repaired, and that the inside of the gouges had been painted red.

Along the edge of both gauntlets was a bar of paint that alternated between black and yellow, the lines separating the different colors were set at a forty-five degree angle to the edge. On its left shoulder plate was a strange symbol that Luna could not identify. It was shaped like a red, oddly shaped hexagon. The bottom two sides that were angled more sharply than the others were inset by what looked vaguely like a Minotaur's flexed bicep, and above it was a five-point star.

... a strange symbol that Luna could not identify.

Luna wondered as to what the symbol might represent. The best she could come up with was that it represented the nationality that the machine came from. Luna was excited at that, as it proved the existence of alien civilizations. The only other symbol of interest was what appeared to be a yellow silhouette of a bat with outstretched wings. The location of this particular symbol made Luna blush slightly, as it was placed on what resembled the automaton's codpiece.

There were no other symbols of interest on the machine, but then Luna's eyes fell upon something that made her drastically revise her view of the machine. Along the bottom edge of the machine's abdomen was a line of engraved runes.

"Captain Shining Armor, I want you to read this line for me," Luna said, pointing to the line of runes.

"Ma'am, with all due respect this is an alien machine. I don't think I can read anything that's- ...CMC-660 Heavy Combat Suit..."

III - ...Lest They Rise From Their Graves Seeking Vengeance

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

III - ...Lest They Rise From Their Graves Seeking Vengeance

__________

After what seemed like an entire day of fighting, the Zerg forces finally abated. The Dominion troops had been in sustained combat for such a long time it took them several minutes to realize that the fighting had stopped. After an hour of keeping watch, the troops finally decided to rest easy.

Caulk scanned the battlefield around him. The amount of carnage around him was staggering. Corpses from both Terran and Zerg races littered the ground, few in one piece. What bothered him the most was seeing the holes in the glass visors of the marines where the hydralisk spines had entered. Most Terrans visible were Dominion troops, but here and there were the blue-armored bodies of Raynor's Raiders. The devastation was sobering, but as with the Torrasque, he felt no sadness or anger.

As he contemplated his lack of emotion, Caulk heard the rumbling of thunder in the distance, and began to notice what looked like a water droplet roll down his visor. Had something sprung a leak? No, there was nothing near him that contained water. It took him a moment to realize it, but it was in fact raining on Char.

Even if it's acid rain, how can it even be possible for water to condense here? Caulk thought as he looked skyward and saw the unlikely downpour intensify. He wasn't complaining, he liked the rain. The sound it made when it struck Caulk's helmet was a soothing white noise that helped him relax when there was a lull in the fight. Caulk's heart was still hammering from the adrenaline during the fight, but the soft tapping of the rain on his helmet began to slow it.

His mind and body now calm, Caulk became aware of a Dominion marine turning on a nearby radio. He recognized the voice coming through as that of James Raynor, whom he had come to respect greatly as a result of the aid he had given the Dominion forces.

*... But it's our sweat and blood that'll make it happen. After everything we've been through, past all the fire and fury, the one thing I know, is that we can count on each other to get the job done. Or die trying, if that's what it takes.*

As he said this, the rain stopped and the thick, sulfurous clouds above Caulk began to clear, shedding a shaft of light onto the small base camp.

*... Because some things are just worth fighting for.*

Wake up, marine.

Wake up.

~~~

Celestia had woken up nearly a full day after retiring to her chambers after having pulled the chariot containing the orange machine. While now fully rested, the ordeal left her more sore than she had ever been after a strenuous exercise, restricting Celestia to her chambers. There, she, Luna and Shining Armor were... "discussing" what to do with the massive occupant that currently resided in the dungeon.

"The inscription said, and I quote: 'HEAVY COMBAT!' I wasn't sure at first but now I know that this thing is definitely a threat to Equestria! We should just dig the deepest hole we can, throw it in and bury it!"

"Captain! Calm yourself!" Celestia had to shout to make Shining pay attention. If he was in hysterics when Celestia arrived with the cargo chariot, he had snapped completely now. "It is not a threat while it remains inactive. We have plenty of time to figure out how we are going to deal with it, and I highly doubt it will activate on its own."

"But what if it does? We know absolutely nothing about it! For all we know it could be a walking bomb! You saw the tanks on its back, who knows what's in those?" Shining was obviously refusing to see any other point of view in regards to the now determined alien war machine.

"Well then, we will just have to hope that fighting us is not its prime directive, or if it is, that we can destroy it." Shining simply looked at Celestia askance, dissatisfied with the decision.

Luna, who had remained quiet up to this point, was thinking about something else that stood out at her in the short inscription on the machine.

Finally it hit her. "It is not just a machine."

Shining and Celestia looked at her oddly.

"What do you mean, sister?" Celestia asked, wondering what Luna had noticed that she had not.

"The last word in the inscription was 'suit.' The machine that we see is just that: a suit." Luna had become ecstatic as she explained her revelation.

"I'm... not quite sure I follow," Shining said with his head tilted in confusion.

"Allow me to put it this way," Luna said, hoping that her analogy would be a relatively accurate one, "the guards here have another kind of armor that is only used in combat situations, correct?"

"Yes, of course. The tortoise-armor," Celestia recalled. The so-called 'tortoise-armor' was an incredibly thick, heavy suit of armor that covered the entire body of a pony. It earned its name because the ponies wearing it moved much slower, and if one were to be knocked over while wearing it, they could not get up without help. She had had the new design of the heavier armor variant commissioned to Rarity, one of Twilight Sparkle's friends in Ponyville.

"Now, if one of your guards wearing these suits, Captain, were to be encountered by a more... shall we say 'primitive' society, they would most likely think of him as being made entirely of metal. Just as we see the 'machine' now."

"So... what you're saying is that we do, in fact, have an actual alien in the dungeon, not just one of their creations?" Understanding flooded Shining. He had been under the impression that the entity in question was just a machine with no real intelligence or free will.

"Precisely, Captain. And if the inscription on its armor is anything to go by, it speaks the same language as us." As she said this, an idea began to form in Luna's mind that she knew Shining would disapprove of.

Fortunately for Luna, Celestia had the same idea. Unfortunately, however, Shining did as well, and he happened to take notice that the two princesses wanted to do it.

"Oh no. Hay no! Excuse me ma'ams, but no bucking way! We are not waking it up!" Shining protested, fully knowing that he would not be able to dissuade the princesses.

"Captain, I understand your concern, but I assure you we are not going to attempt to revive the alien until we are certain that all possible precautions are made," Celestia said, still trying to calm Shining. Luckily, this statement succeeded in putting Shining at ease, while causing Luna to adopt a disappointed look. However, Celestia was not done, "But we are going to wake it up. If it can understand us and is capable of independent thought, we can reason with it to refrain from behaving violently."

Luna perked back up again, while Shining collapsed onto the ground, groaning and holding his hooves to his head. He was really not looking forward to the coming ordeal.

Shining Armor had been worn thin. For the past twenty-four hours he had been working to re-organize the guards so that the dungeon would be as well-protected as possible. But it wasn't to keep ponies out, it was to keep its contents in. By now, he had finally been able to take every precaution necessary in the event of the alien's awakening. All of the guards were wearing their tortoise-armor for this. He even had a team of guards armed with an enormous net used to restrain dragons. It had been enchanted by Celestia herself to be near unbreakable by a creature's brute force alone, as well as being very resistant to flame attacks.

Now satisfied that all precautions were met, Shining gave Celestia and Luna the go-ahead to wake the alien. Shining ordered all the guards to be on high alert.

Shining, Celestia and Luna marched into the dungeon, the portcullis closing behind them. They marched down the long corridor to the occupied cell. Opening the window slit, Celestia could see that it was still unconscious. Before she gave the order to open the cell, she hesitated for a moment. What would happen if they couldn't prevent it from breaking into violence?

"Open the door, Captain, but be ready to close it right away," Celestia ordered.

"What's your plan, princess?" Shining asked, noting her hesitation.

"We go in, cast the spell to wake it up, and immediately leave and close the door."

Shining was glad that the princess was at least not leaving their personal safety to chance. His horn glowing purple, the heavy machinery for the door turned on with a loud rumble, opening it no more than was necessary. The princesses slipped in, with Shining staying outside, ready to close the door as quickly as possible.

Now that they were in the more brightly lit cell, Celestia could see the alien in better detail than in the cave she had found it in. She noticed that the back of its massive gauntlets held the highest concentration of scrapes and dents, which she assumed to mean that its preferred form of melee combat was a backhand swipe. Judging by the size of the gauntlets, it would be capable of crushing every bone in a pony's body with one good hit. Yet another thing she noticed that Celestia could not see in the darkness of the cave was a hole about as big around as her hoof between the two cones on each gauntlet.

Luna noticed these holes as well, "What do you suppose these cones and holes are for?" she asked.

"Some kind of weapon, maybe?" Celestia wondered.

"They do not look like any kind of weapon I have ever seen."

Celestia sighed. These creatures probably had weapons beyond her wildest dreams, and they were going to awake one who wielded them.

"Come on, Celly, we're not getting any younger here," Luna said encouragingly.

Standing on either side of the colossal alien, Luna and Celestia began to cast the spell to wake it. While casting it, Luna noticed that the spell was far easier to cast than she expected. The creature glowed in a bright white cocoon of energy. The instant the spell was complete, the two sisters dashed out of the cell, and Shining closed the cell door with a loud boom.

The three all looked through the window slit to see what would happen. As they watched, the white glow surrounding the alien faded into oblivion. Ten seconds passed.

"How long does this take to work?" Shining asked, apparently growing impatient.

"Give it a moment..."

Thirty seconds passed.

A minute passed.

A half an hour passed.

After about an hour of waiting, it became painfully apparent that the creature was not going to wake up any time soon. Shining closed the window slit and the three exited the dungeon somewhat dejectedly. Shining informed his chief lieutenant of the failure, and continued on into the palace.

The three sat in their private conference room to discuss how best to wake the alien.

"The typical awakening spell is out of the question, but I do not see what else we can do to wake the creature," Celestia said with a groan.

Shining had become a bit more supportive of the idea once the dungeon had been placed under maximum security, "I think the problem we have is that we know what we want to do, but we don't know how to do it."

"The Captain is right. We have every question that we need to wake it answered except for the 'how,'" Luna agreed, "So now we need some way to go about this."

Celestia thought for a moment. "What about the Elements of Harmony? They seem to possess some kind of direction. As long as you have a definite objective, they find a way to get to it."

Shining was suddenly very upset at this proposal. "WHAT! Princess, I have enough of an issue with getting anypony involved in this, but I'm not going to allow my sister to be put in the way of this thing's path if it turns violent!"

"Shining Armor!" Celestia shouted, once again attempting to calm Shining down, "Twilight has already been in more dangerous situations than any of your guardsponies and came out of them unscathed. I think she will be able to avoid harm!"

"A-apologies, your highness," Shining said, making a conscious effort to calm himself down, "I've just been stressed out by this whole 'alien warrior' thing."

"We understand, Captain," Luna said, "We will give your sister and her friends a choice in the matter and we will inform them of the risk they are taking. Will that be satisfactory?"

Shining sighed, defeated. "Yes, ma'am. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to catch up on sleep." With that, he exited the conference room for his home.

"Say hello to Cadance for me," Celestia called as he left. Turning back to her sister, she said, "I suppose I'd better go write to Twilight now. I just hope she and her friends will agree."

~~~

Twilight awoke to find the sun glowing through her bedroom window. That was quite a bit later than she usually slept in, as Twilight would typically wake up just as the sun was beginning to rise. She considered berating Spike for letting her sleep in so late, as he knew she had always religiously kept a detailed schedule. After a moment's thought, Twilight figured she would let it slide, as it felt good to get to sleep in.

Pulling herself groggily out of bed and onto her hooves, Twilight steadily made here way downstairs into the library's main room. Once there, she sauntered into the bathroom where she took a swig from a glass of water and straightened out her mane.

Just as Twilight re-entered the main room, Spike walked in through the door with his face buried in a newspaper. The tiny dragon lowered the paper and saw Twilight who was now wide awake.

"Oh hey, you're up. Take a look at this," Spike said, pointing out the paper's headline, "Looks like the Princess found some alien machine out in a cave in the middle of nowhere."

Twilight raised in eyebrow. An alien machine? I've gotta read this.

She levitated the newspaper out of Spike's claws, eliciting a "Hey! I was reading that!" and looked at the front page. Sure enough, in big block letters was the phrase: ALIEN CONSTRUCT DISCOVERED, and beneath it was a grainy image of a large, orange mass that looked to be the size of a dozen ponies. Twilight started reading the article.

Following the conclusion of this year's Summer Sun Celebration in the frontier town of Appleloosa, our Princess Celestia returned to Canterlot with a massive machine of alien origin. Little can be deduced from the machine, other than its general shape. The Royal Guard has stored the machine in the Canterlot dungeon, under the logic that the structure has the ability to contain the machine should it turn on.

One day after the machine's arrival, the Royal Guard has begun drastically re-organizing their presence in the city. Patrols are more frequent, and each now has multiple guards in its composition. Near the dungeon itself, the Guard has enhanced the number of security personnel tenfold, and each guard is wearing what is commonly dubbed the "tortoise-armor." Guard Captain Shining Armor had this to say:

"The princesses have decided that they are going to attempt to reactivate the machine. I don't want to take any chances with it, so security in the city is being tightened up."

Aliens in Equestria? Twilight thought, Even if it is just a machine, this implies that there is intelligent life out there.

Thoughts whirled around in Twilight's mind. Were they friendly or hostile? Did they intend to make contact with us or was the arrival of this machine simply a freak accident? How many were there?

"Spike, how old is this paper?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, I just got it this morning while you were- *urk*" BELCH. Spike coughed up a scroll while he was mid-sentence. He caught it before it could fall to the ground and opened it. Giving it a quick look over, he cleared his throat before reading it aloud.

"Dear Twilight Sparkle,

It is now that I must request you and the rest of the Elements of Harmony to join me in Canterlot. I realize that you all may have other commitments, but I feel that this is of the utmost importance. Do not worry, there is no present threat to Equestria.

As you may or may not be aware, I recently discovered what the media believes to be an alien machine in a cave between Canterlot and Appleloosa. My sister, Princess Luna, found that the machine is actually a suit of heavy combat armor, thus implying that there is, in fact, an actual alien inside. We also know for a fact that these particular aliens speak our language.

We have decided that we will attempt to wake the alien in the hopes that we will be able to keep it pacified. Luna and I have already attempted to wake it, but we found that our method was ineffective. We concluded that the Elements of Harmony will be the most capable of waking it, and hence we require the presence of you and your friends. I realize that this is potentially a very dangerous endeavor, so we will understand if you choose not to attend.

Signed,

Princess Celestia."

Twilight sighed. "Guess I'd better go get the girls."

Thanks to Ponyville being a fairly small town, Twilight and Spike were able to find the others in less than an hour. They were all currently in Ponyville's library, where Spike had just finished re-reading the Princess' letter.

"Wait, so that thing is a real alien!?" Rainbow Dash was bouncing with excitement at this. "That is so awesome!"

"Ah'm gonna have ta agree with ya on that, Rainbow, but Ah really think we should consider this more," Applejack said, making Rainbow glower slightly, "Ah mean the Princess said it's wearin' a heavy combat suit, right? That means this thing is a warrior of some kind. It might not be the best idea ta wake it up."

"Yes, but if we help it, I'm sure it will be grateful and at least not attack us," Rarity reasoned.

"Probably, but we don't know anything about these things. For all we know, fighting could be central in their culture," Twilight said, apprehensive about the idea of waking up the alien.

"Ah kinda doubt that for some reason," Applejack said, contradicting what she thought earlier, "Ah mean if they were constantly fighting each other, how would they be able to work together long enough to build spaceships?"

"Maybe if we throw a party for it, it'll make it happy and won't want to attack us!" Pinkie Pie said excitedly.

"I hate to break this to you, Pinkie, but I don't think a party can solve everything." Rainbow pointed out, making Pinkie look slightly depressed. Rainbow pat her on the back to try and cheer her up.

"Well... um... it could turn out to be really nice. Just because it's a warrior doesn't mean that it has a bad personality." Fluttershy finally spoke up.

"Right, and we are going to be in the company of both of the princesses and the entire Royal Guard. I think we should be safe there." Rarity brought up.

Twilight thought for a moment. If the alien was violent, the princesses and Guard could restrain it. If it was friendly... Twilight couldn't think of any negatives. If they chose to do nothing, the alien would probably wake up on its own eventually.

"Well, all in favor of waking it up?" Twilight prompted, to which each pony--and dragon--in the room raised a hoof or hand.

The decision made, Twilight began voicing the confirmation for Spike to send to the Princess.

~~~

After Celestia had received the letter from Twilight saying that she and her friends agreed to help wake the alien, she dispatched a chariot to bring them to Canterlot. The flight had been uneventful enough... for Twilight and her friends of course. The guards pulling the chariot, however, were somewhat less than thrilled with having to carry six ponies plus a dragon that refused to quiet down about the alien.

After they had arrived in Canterlot sometime around noon, the chariot's guards led them to the palace where they were taken directly to the Princess' private conference room. Within were Celesta, Luna and Shining Armor. The guards left soon after, and while they were polite enough, Twilight could tell they were annoyed beyond measure by their behavior on the chariot.

"I'm glad you all decided to come," Celestia said, "But I feel I must put emphasis on this: are you sure you want to be involved with this? It could mean your lives if this all goes haywire."

"You bet we're all for it! We can put this thing down if we need to!" Rainbow spoke for them all. While laying it on a little thick, she still hit on what they all were thinking.

Celestia sighed. She had lost track of all the ways this could possibly go wrong, and there was no way she could think of them all. "Very well then. We can start immediately if you wish." At this, the girls all nodded vigorously. "Right, then. Captain Shining, could you fetch the Elements of Harmony for us?"

"Right away."

"Now, while we wait, does anypony have any questions?" Luna asked, finally speaking up.

"What exactly can ya tell us about this thing?" Applejack asked. This was a question that had been on all their minds; up until now, they did not know much of anything about the alien. All they knew was that it was some kind of armored warrior.

Luna sighed. "Not much, to tell the truth. The best we can say is that it is a kind of bipedal, plantigrade creature with two arms and five digit hands with one thumb. Based on the inscription on its armor we judged that it speaks, or at least understands our language. If the armor itself is anything to go by, they also seem highly skilled in metallurgy and engineering, which I think would be unsurprising."

"So is there anyway the spaceship it came in on could be nearby?" Rarity asked. Aliens came with ships, right? That only made sense.

This time, Celestia spoke. "I do not think it came here in a spaceship, or anything of that like. When I found it, it was in front of a large, glowing ring that died out when I approached it. We believe it to be a portal of some kind, but the design of the portal and our... "guest's" armor are too different to be considered from the same species or nationality."

"So... there could be a bunch of other aliens out there?" Fluttershy peeped out.

"So far as we know, there have been at least two. Whether or not they existed at the same time is debatable."

It was now that Shining decided to walk into the conference room, levitating the chest containing the Elements alongside him. "All right, everypony ready?"

The girls all jumped to their hooves, eager to see the alien with their own two eyes. They all filed out the door, and as they walked, Shining drifted next to Twilight. "Are you sure about this Twily? If this thing wakes up ticked, I'm not sure if we can stop it."

"We came this far, Shining. I'm not backing out now."

Shining looked concerned, but otherwise did not say anything in opposition. Soon, the group arrived at the cavernous dungeon, and uneasily made their way down, the tension in the air increasing with every step. Eventually they arrived at the giant steel cell door that housed the alien.

Shining's horn glowed and the door rumbled open about a dozen hooflengths. The group filed in, with Shining staying outside, ready to slam the door shut. As Twilight and the rest beheld the enormous alien, they all stared at it in wonder. At least, everypony except for Rarity, who was struggling not to gag at the sight of the atrocious design of the armor.

"Y'all right there, Rares? Lookin' a little green 'round the gills," Applejack teased, fully knowing what she was getting worked up about. Rarity simply glared at her, earning a laugh from Applejack.

"This is your last chance to back out," Celestia warned as she passed the Elements to their respective owners. She was met only with silence and a group of unwavering ponies. She wasn't sure if she should be impressed or concerned by their resolve in this situation.

"Now, this is the way it is going to happen: We are going to attempt to wake it using the Elements, and as soon as we are done, we will exit the cell and Shining will shut the door," Luna explained. Clean and simple. Things like that always worked best, in her opinion.

Each of the six Element bearers took a position around the alien's form, with Twilight at its head. Reaching out with her magic, Twilight linked herself with the Elemental tiara on her head, and used its connection to all the others to link them into a single unit. Channeling the energy from each of the Elements into hers, Twilight then attempted to connect to the alien's mind. A white beam of light connected each of the gems of the Elements, and focused in on Twilight's, which then had another white beam that connected to the alien's helmet. Luna and Celestia watched in wonder as the alien began to glow with a white aura.

Twilight didn't know what to expect inside the alien's mind. It was a cloudy haze that was full of... stuff floating around. What that stuff was, Twilight had no idea. The only thing she could detect was pain. Unimaginable, incomprehensible, mind-twisting pain. Not wanting to be in the alien's mind for very long, Twilight poured the energy from the Elements as quickly as she could. She could sense the magic from the Elements manipulating and moving things around in the haze of pain, but she could not observe what it was doing no matter how hard she tried. Finally, after what seemed to be only a few minutes, the process stopped on its own, without having changed much that Twilight could sense.

As the six Element bearers regained their thoughts, they instantly remembered what they were supposed to do after the procedure, and sprinted out through the door, which was slammed shut by Shining.

Celestia, Luna and Twilight looked through the window slit at the alien. There they waited again, until around a quarter of an hour passed.

"Did the Elements not work?" Luna asked incredulously.

"I think they did... just not in a way I could understand," Twilight reasoned. She really could not comprehend what happened in the alien's mind. "If they did, I have the feeling it will take a while for them to take effect."

"But... how long will that take?" Fluttershy asked, hoping the alien was just simply a heavy sleeper. Though, she still wondered if there was anything wrong with it.

"I don't know. Hours, maybe."

Everypony, including Celestia and Shining, groaned at the idea of waiting.

"Tell you what, I'll stay here and keep an eye on this thing while you all go wait in the palace," Shining suggested, volunteering his service, "I'll let you know if it wakes up."

Shining decided to go and check on the alien again. He had been checking on it by looking through the window slit every half-hour or so. By now, the sun was on its way down, bathing the sky in a beautiful suffusion of reds, yellows, oranges, and pinks. Shining steadily trotted down the corridor, his hoofsteps making sharp clacks that echoed of the cavernous walls.

As Shining approached the cell, something seemed a little off about it. He noticed that the small window slit had begun to glow, incandescent with an extreme blast of heat from the other side of the cell door.

Could the alien be awake? Shining thought, Is it capable of heating the door that much?

His thoughts were cut short by the sliding panel giving way to the intense heat, and from the window erupted a blast of yellow-orange fire that reached almost half-way across the dungeon corridor. Shining watched, dumbstruck, as the dozen hooflength thick steel door turned cherry red, and quickly incandescent. It soon became so bright that it left an afterimage on Shining's vision when he looked away briefly. Suddenly a hole half the size of the door was melted clean through, leaving a puddle of molten metal. From the hole came an even more intense, roaring blast of fire that did go half-way across the corridor, and even further. As the hole reached its maximum size, the roaring flames stopped. The entire process had taken fifteen seconds.

A voice in Shining's mind screamed at him to run, but now his legs were jelly. After a few minutes, the molten metal cooled enough that it was no longer liquid or glowing, but still very hot. Shining watched in shock as the colossal alien stepped through the hole, its feet leaving footprints in the still soft metal puddle. It turned and stared at Shining with a pair of glowing red eyes. Finally, he regained control of his limbs and sprinted for the exit. Behind him, Shining could see the alien giving chase, but thanks to the alien's immense armor it was much slower than him.

Finally, Shining reached the other side of the portcullis.

"DROP THE GATE!" He roared. At his command, the two unicorn guards above the gate broke the chains to the portcullis' counterweights, causing it to fall crashing into place. "Get the net ready!" Shining barked, and watched as a team of pegasi guards spread out the dragon-net, ready to drop it on the alien.

The gate won't keep it contained for very long, Shining thought, But it should at least slow it down some.

As quickly as he could, Shining ran to the roll of paper and quill that he was keeping in case he needed to contact the princesses. Throwing manners to the wind, he simply scrawled: IT'S AWAKE. GET OVER HERE NOW. Without even rolling it up, he lit it with the magic fire that would send it to the princesses. Running back to the top of the ramp, over which was the team of pegasi guards with the dragon-net, Shining saw the alien using its flames--which he found came from each of the cones on its gauntlets--to cut a hole in the portcullis. When it finished, it promptly kicked the loose portion down, and came running up the ramp.

Shining backed far enough away that he would not get caught under the net. As the alien reached the top of the ramp, the dragon-net dropped, making the alien trip and get tangled up into a knot of thick ropes. It flailed its arms and legs, chipping the stonework ground as it struck it, trying to break the ropes which the net withstood. After a few seconds of futile struggling, the alien stopped and pointed one of its gauntlets at a particularly large knot of rope. It let out a short blast of fire, but to no avail.

Perfect, Shining thought with a smirk. They had it trapped.

As he thought this, the alien pointed both gauntlets at the knot, and blasted it with a sustained gout of fire. Shining grew concerned when he saw that the knot was rapidly disintegrating. Within seconds, the knot was burned away and the alien shrugged the net off its shoulders, rising back to its feet.

The guardsponies had now surrounded the alien in a dense ring, which prompted it to now start turning around, observing the circle. Running out of options to restrain it, Shining did the last thing he could do. He approached the alien which was now watching him intently, and cast a bubble shield spell around it, keeping it contained until, he hoped, the princesses could arrive.

The alien began to grow erratic, and swung its massive arm at the shield wall, causing a sharp pain to course through Shining's skull. It swung again, and again, until the headache became too much for Shining to bear, and he released the spell, collapsing to the ground clutching his head. The alien had obviously figured out that Shining was the one who tried to restrain it, and had apparently deemed him as a threat. It walked straight up to him, and now that it was so close, Shining saw that it towered over him, its kneecap being at head level to him when he stood at his full height. It raised one of its gauntlets and pointed it at Shining. He clamped his eyes shut and waited for the blast of heat. It never came.

When Shining opened his eyes, he saw the alien picking itself up the ground, and Luna was standing next to him, her horn glowing a deep blue.

"Are you all right, Captain?" Luna asked, her eyes not leaving the alien.

"I'm fine."

"Good."

The alien finally got back to its feet again, and was now approaching Luna who in turn was also closing the distance. When they were about thirty hooflengths away from each other, the alien lunged forward, rapidly closing the gap. It swung one of its legs around and brought it crashing down on Luna's side, sending her to the ground. The alien then placed a foot on her side without applying pressure, and pointed its gauntlet at Luna's head.

IV - Fueled Up

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

IV - Fueled Up

__________

Caulk's eyelids cracked open.

"Unghhh..." he groaned, closing his eyes again. The first sensation he felt as he woke up was a feeling not unlike a muscle cramp, only now it was in his entire body. His head hurt, his arms hurt, his legs hurt, his chest hurt, his groin hurt, his everything hurt. The neural interface of the firebat suit detected Caulk's excessively high activity in his nervous system, and applied him with a transdermal dose of painkiller. Caulk felt a sting in his left upper arm and sighed as relief spread throughout his body.

Having treated all immediate concerns, the suit began running through a systems diagnostic while Caulk laid on the ground, aurally reciting each readout in its trademark deep, gravelly voice.

*Armor integrity: one hundred percent.

Suit circuitry system integrity: one hundred percent.

Electrical storage battery integrity: one hundred percent.

Neutrino absorption array integrity: one hundred percent.

Flux battery storage: five hundred megawatts.

Recharge rate: ten megawatts per hour. Standard.

Right Perdition fuel supply: one hundred point zero zero percent.

Right napalm rocket count: fifty out of fifty.

Left Perdition fuel supply: one hundred point zero zero percent.

Left napalm rocket count: fifty out of fifty.

Stim-pack dosage count: ten out of ten

User neural integrity: stable. No change.

User oxygen intake: optimal for current activity.

User pulse: forty-six point two beats per minute.

Alert: user comatose for eighty-two point two hours.

Cause: neural overload.

Break in trend: unknown cause.

Clear to proceed.*

That warp gate put me in a coma for almost three and a half days?! Caulk thought incredulously. Where in the hell am I?

Caulk opened his eyes again and observed his position. He was laying on his back in a room that made Caulk instantly think of a prison cell, albeit enormous. On one end was a square, steel door that was six meters on each side and made up an entire wall. The opposite wall was about ten meters away. Each of the other three walls, the ceiling and floor were made of solid concrete.

Caulk thought for a moment. He remembered there being a set of rules in the Dominion military in regards to being a prisoner of war. One in particular, was that any PoW was to make every attempt to escape whenever possible. While he wasn't exactly a prisoner of war, he was being detained against his will and he did not like it. Looking around his "cell"--which he was now fairly certain was what this room was--from his position on the ground, he concluded that he was going to have to find a way to break out.

Getting to his feet was a challenge. Being on one's back side while wearing CMC armor was akin to flipping a turtle on its back. He had to swing his right arm and leg over his body in a wide arc to throw his body onto its side, and then on to his stomach. From there, Caulk could just put his feet under him and get up normally. Caulk approached one of the longer walls. He raised one of his giant boots and Spartan-kicked the wall, achieving only a modest, boot shaped imprint.

So these walls are probably reinforced. Probably a meter thick too. And underground.

Caulk scowled. Escaping was going to be harder than he thought. One thing he had learned over the years was that the door was often stronger than the walls. In this case, breaking out through the walls were out of the question as they were likely underground.

Might as well see my options with the door.

The door was a plain, flat, steel mass of which the only details were a small, rectangular window slit not much higher than a meter above the ground--which Caulk found odd--and the rivets that surrounded it. At his commanding thought, the armor rolled his right Incinerator gauntlet, one of the components on his forearms that housed the napalm rockets as well as heated the combusto-plasma Perdition fuel, a bit further up is arm, allowing the suit's huge mechanical hand to move through its full range of motion. Caulk's built-in mass spectrometer, a small, rectangular device with a tube jutting out of the front end extended out of the back of his "hand," and he brought the end of it a few centimeters away from the door.

*Chemical composition: ninety-eight point two percent iron, one point eight percent carbon,* came the gravelly voice from the suit.

"Hm. Just normal carbon steel," Caulk said aloud to himself, "I could probably melt my way through the door pretty easily..."

Caulk took a few steps away from the door and rolled his Incinerator gauntlet back into position. He raised both gauntlets and primed the Perdition magnetic fusion heaters.

"Barbecue time," He said with a grin.

The air in front of Caulk was then ablaze with a low density wave of thirty thousand degree, magnetically heated plasma. While he couldn't see the door through the orange flames, he could still tell he was getting something done by the puddle of incandescent, molten steel pooling around the door. Caulk even had to take another step back to avoid the heavily heated liquid. About ten seconds into the process, Caulk mentally face palmed. He realized he was using thirty thousand degree flames to melt through a steel door in a confined space. If he kept this up long enough, he would kill himself from the incredible heat.

Panicking, he was about to stop the flow when the flames suddenly stopped licking against the door and started roaring straight through the walls after nearly exactly fifteen seconds. Cutting the flow, Caulk found he had successfully melted his way through. A massive hole, big enough for Caulk's suit to easily fit through had been bored into the door, with the edges still glowing white-hot and a four meter puddle of cooling, molten steel covering the ground around it both inside and outside the cell. On the other side of the door was a much larger room with the far wall about ten meters from the door.

*Right Perdition fuel supply: ninety-nine point seven zero percent.

Left Perdition fuel supply: ninety-nine point seven zero.*

Caulk waited for the puddle to cool before he stepped through the hole. It wasn't exactly ideal to have the out-soles of your boots coated in steel. He waited until it was a blackish, cherry-red. Still hot, yes, but not so much that it would stick to his boots. To test it, Caulk poked the puddle with his toe. He was met with his foot making a small indentation, similar to clay. Chuckling, Caulk put his entire foot on the puddle, put all his weight in it, and took it off. On the ground was a perfect rendition of his footprint.

Pulling himself back to reality, Caulk slowly and steadily stepped through the hole in the door, leaving footprints as a walked. Looking around the new room, he found it was about a meter taller than his cell, and he couldn't quite tell how long. At least two hundred meters, by his estimate. One side of the corridor ended in another concrete wall, where the other opened to the outside and had a ramp of which the top was higher than the top of the opening.

As he looked around the room, Caulk's eyes fell on a small, white, quadrupedal animal that was wearing purple and gold armor, and was staring at him wide-eyed. It looked almost like a horse, in his opinion, but much smaller. He felt like there was a proper term for that. Pondering, Caulk remembered that they were called ponies, and what made this "pony" stand out was that it had a single horn on its forehead, its eyes were comically large, and its mane and tail were an odd shade of blue. Not sure of what to properly call it, Caulk decided to just label it as "equine."

What are the horned horses called again? Caulk thought, Unicorns. That was it. But I thought those were mythical creatures?

By Caulk's logic, if there were horses or ponies, especially ones wearing armor, there had to be some form of human presence nearby. Unsure of what to do, he simply stood staring at the diminutive creature, wondering if it posed much of a threat and would need to be put down.

Before Caulk could complete his analysis, the equine turned around and broke into a run down down the corridor to the opening. Unsure of what to do, Caulk ran after it in hopes that it would lead him to whoever was in charge. Unfortunately, the equine was much faster than Caulk was, and reached the opening of the corridor long before he did.

Who designed this thing? I can't run worth crap in it!

As it ran up the ramp, Caulk heard someone yell, "DROP THE GATE!"

Caulk heard what sounded like a pair of chains snapping, followed by a massive steel portcullis crashing into place with a loud boom. Swearing, Caulk scanned the composition of the gate which gave him the same reading as the door. He pointed his right gauntlet at the bottom of the portcullis and to his right, and used his Perdition flames to melt through the bars as he made a wide arc. Caulk kicked the section that was now only supported by its spikes in their holes in the concrete, sending it flying against the ramp with a loud clatter.

Caulk could see the white unicorn at the top of the ramp and ran after it, only to see it retreat out of his vision. Just as Caulk reach the top of the ramp, a large net fell on top of him, causing his legs to get tangled. He tripped over the thick ropes and fell flat on his face. He flailed his arms and legs instinctively, trying to get free. The only thing he achieved was making the knot worse. Caulk stopped to examine the ropes of the net for a moment, and found that they were made of plant fibers.

Well then this should be pretty easy to break, he thought, only to be disappointed when the ropes held fast when he attempted to pull them apart. Enraged, but at the same time impressed and intrigued, Caulk attempted to burn through a particularly large knot with a short, probing blast. To his astonishment, the ropes withstood the heat, but under closer inspection, many of the loose fibers were slightly blackened at the ends from the heat.

Realizing that while the ropes were strong but not invulnerable, Caulk used both gauntlets to blast the knot, and within seconds it had burned away completely. The net now in multiple pieces, Caulk was able to shrug it off his shoulders with ease. Getting back to his feet, he looked around and saw a thick ring of armored equines, each wearing gold armor.

Why aren't there any Terrans here? Caulk thought, perplexed, And what's with all the freakin' horses!?

Caulk was starting to grow irritated. Surrounding him was nothing but bizarre equines, but no Terrans to control them. Someone had to be in charge here, and his rather aggressive escapade was not exactly subtle, so why hadn't anybody noticed him? As much as he wasn't complaining about no opposing force, he wasn't too fond of being given the cold shoulder.

Caulk watched with annoyance as the unicorn that he had seen in the underground corridor approached him. When it was about three meters away from him, its horn began to glow purple, and suddenly everything Caulk looked at was through a purple sphere. Caulk looked at the purple ball as one might a missing shirt button: confused and slightly irritated. Caulk tentatively reached out and poked it with one of his Perdition nozzles, only to find that the bubble was as solid as steel.

Upon the realization that he was in a containment shield, Caulk was sent from slightly irritated to downright enraged. Driven by anger, he brought his right gauntlet up over his left shoulder and sent it crashing into the shield. Looking through it, Caulk could see the white equine wince at his blow. He deduced that this equine had psionic abilities to some extent, which raised a few questions such as: are these really equines?

Mentally shrugging it off with an "Eh," Caulk repeated the smashing motion again and again. Through the shield, he could see the small creature on the other side react more and more painfully to his blows. Eventually, the equine's horn stopped glowing, and the shield disappeared with it. The animal dropped onto its stomach and clamped its front hooves over its head, which Caulk thought to be a strange movement for an animal.

Thoroughly pissed at the equine, Caulk figured it would better his chances of escape if the thing was out of his way for good. His Perdition flamethrowers would at least be a swift way to die. Admittedly, it was kind of a bad way to go, but then again, there weren't very many "good" ways to die either. His conscience at ease, Caulk lifted his left gauntlet and was about to release the super heated plasma. The instant before he could, however, something impacted his chest and sent him sprawling onto the ground.

Dazed but uninjured, Caulk clumsily got back to his feet and looked around for the source of whatever had hit him. Standing next to the white equine on the ground was a larger, midnight blue equine that had a billowing mane and tail that looked to be filled with thousands of pinpricks of light. This one had a horn in the middle of its forehead, which was glowing a deep blue, as well as a pair of feathery wings at its sides. It was unarmored, unlike its white counterpart, and appeared to be pawing (hoofing?) the ground like a bull in a bullfight from old, old Earth.

Caulk was trying to think of what manner of equine this was when it surprised him by making the first move, its horn lowered, eyes glaring and advancing steadily towards him. The only way Caulk could interpret that gesture was that it intended to fight him. Not wanting to spend much time here, Caulk tried to think of a way he could end this and get on with finding a way back "home."

Coming up with an idea, Caulk advanced towards the equine at the same rate as it was. When they were about two and a half meters away, Caulk made a clumsy lunge forward, and followed through with an awkward, albeit effective, roundhouse kick in one fluid motion. The massive, neo-steel boot sent the equine to the ground with a strange yelp that seemed uncharacteristic of an equine. Then again, Caulk didn't know much about traditional farm animals as he had been more of a city boy, so he chose to ignore the anomaly.

Figuring that this equine (was it even the same species as the other one?) was the greater threat, Caulk decided to eliminate this one as well. He put his left foot on its side to keep it pinned, and raised his right gauntlet to incinerate its upper body. As he was priming the magnetic heaters, Caulk heard a raspy, feminine voice yell "Hey!" When he looked up, he froze in place as he was met with a bizarre, and incredibly amusing spectacle.

Using a pair of cyan, feathery wings to keep it hovering in place at eye level, was a cyan equine of smaller size than the white unicorn on the ground. Its fur was the same shade of blue as its wings, and it sported a peculiar rainbow-colored mane and tail. It had magenta eyes that were locked in a fierce glare at Caulk. If anyone else had looked at him that way, he would have cringed a bit. Now, though, that it was a tiny, almost adorably cute equine that was doing it, only made it that much more hilarious. Caulk bit his lip to contain his laughter, and thankfully his helmet concealed the huge grin on his face.

"Who do you think you are to go around beating up ponies, huh?" it yelled, and judging by its voice it was obviously female, "I should teach you a lesson for kicking the Princess! You don't look so tough, put 'em up!" As it--she?--said this, it used its fore hooves to punch the air in front of it, evidently in an attempt to be intimidating.

Caulk couldn't contain his laughter anymore. The sight was just too funny. He deactivated the magnetic heaters, pulled his foot off the dark equine and took a step back. The winged equine smirked, apparently thinking it had succeeded in making the colossal firebat back away. Its look of pride quickly turned into one of confusion and indignity as Caulk fell over flat on his back, laughing maniacally.

"HEY! Stop laughing at me! I could buck you all the way to the moon!" the small equine yelled, aggravated at Caulk's behavior. Unfortunately, its reaction only served to throw Caulk into even deeper hysterics. Fuming, the winged equine planted itself on the ground and waited for the laughing man to stop.

After several minutes, Caulk's laughter died down. Now understanding that these equines were sentient, he regarded them in a different light. Thinking for a moment, he figured that the only sentient aliens he had ever encountered were Protoss and Zerg, and neither of them had been very friendly. Caulk realized that he had made a first contact, and suddenly regretted his aggressiveness earlier, though not his breaking out of his cell.

Unsure of what to do, a childish thought wormed its way into Caulk's mind. He stood up in that awkward and carefully practiced manner, and walked slowly to where the winged equine stood. When he approached it, he saw its pupils shrink as it beheld his full height. He dwarfed the equine, the top of its head hardly reaching the tops of his knees. Caulk leaned over it, so that his visor was only a few centimeters away from its face and said,

"Boo."

The equine let out a high pitched yelp and jumped backwards away from Caulk, who immediately fell into another laughing fit. If looks could kill, Caulk would have been sent straight to Hell from the look the equine was giving him. Without warning and catching him completely by surprise, the equine spun around on its fore hooves and rammed its rear ones into Caulk's thigh plate, making little more than a metallic thunk that left him completely unharmed. Neither he nor his armor were damaged, but a small amount of the orange paint was chipped off slightly, making Caulk slightly miffed.

Caulk reached down and grabbed the equine by the tail before it could turn back around. He lifted it over his head with it dangling from his grasp so that they looked eye to eye.

"I painted this myself. It would be a shame if I were to have to do it again, wouldn't it?" Caulk said evenly, but made it clear that he did not approve of the scratch in the paint.

He looked away for a moment, and saw that the white unicorn and the strange, dark blue one were back on their fee- hooves Caulk reminded himself, quite a ways away and being tended to by a yellow, winged equine with a pink mane and tail. Another thing was that all of the armored equines--guards, apparently--stood around him in a four meter wide circle that had about seven layers, effectively encompassing Caulk.

Caulk watched as some of the equines separated and formed a corridor directly in front of him. A majestic, white equine, similar in build to the dark blue one, but significantly larger walked down the gap in bodies in such a way that it reminded Caulk of watching Emperor Mengsk move through a crowd. That is to say: tall, stoic and evenly. The equine itself looked very peculiar in relation to the others. Like the dark blue one, it had both wings, horn, and a billowing mane and tail, though these were shades of pink, green and blue. It had gold shoes on its hooves and a thick golden necklace with a large, pink gem embedded in it, as well as a gold... tiara? Caulk didn't know his jewelry that well. He had completely forgotten that he was holding the polychromatic equine by its tail, which was also staring at this new arrival.

Out of all the equines present this one was by far the largest, yet Caulk still dwarfed it. The white equine stopped about two meters in front of him, and he found that its head only reached as high as his codpiece. Caulk cocked an eyebrow as the equine spoke in a charismatic voice that uncomfortably made him think of a female version of Emperor Mengsk.

"I know you can understand me. Please, put the mare down."

Caulk recoiled and thought for a moment. Mare? What's- oh, rainbow-hair here? Caulk chuckled to himself at the thought. Imagine that: they use the same terms we use to talk about horses. He almost considered giving into his childish temptation to say, 'Be careful what you wish for,' and drop the equine on its head. No, that would be pretty out of line. After all it-- she? Dammit that's gonna get on my nerves... did ask nicely.

Instead of dropping the colorful equine, he gently lowered it to the ground until he could let go of it and have it safely land on its hooves. The instant he let go, the equine zipped to the regal looking equines side protectively, who then whispered in a barely audibly voice, "Rainbow Dash, get away from here. This is not your place." The equine apparently named "Rainbow Dash" opened its mouth to protest, but then hung its head and shot off to the outside of the ring of guards, but not before glaring at Caulk one last time.

"My name is Princess Celestia. You have hurt my guard captain, injured my sister and almost killed both," the equine said evenly, but was, without a doubt, ticked off at Caulk. "I can understand your wanting to get away from here by any means, but I will not tolerate you killing any of my little ponies, understand? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm hungry," Caulk said with a perfectly straight face.

V - Culture Shock

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

V - Culture Shock

__________

Celestia stared at the colossal alien before her. When she had confronted it about its actions, she expected it to at least say something justificatory. Instead, she got something completely out of the blue, in her mind anyways. Celestia didn't necessarily think it would say anything to atone for it, but she did anticipate some kind of acknowledgement. "I'm hungry" didn't exactly fall under the classification of an acknowledgement.

"You're... hungry?" There were few times Celestia had ever been completely dumbstruck, but this alien had managed to render her almost speechless with only two words.

"That's what I said," spoke the alien in a remarkably deep voice. There was something about its voice that seemed unusual, and not just its accent, nor its thinly veiled biting tone. When it spoke, it sounded like it was speaking through a metal tube, and its voice came out slightly distorted.

"You are telling me that you broke out of the most reinforced cell of the highest security prison, broke through a steel gate, burned apart a net used to restrain dragons, shattered the most powerful shield capable of being cast, and almost killed my guard captain and sister because you were hungry?" By the end of her tirade, Celestia realized she was shouting.

Nonetheless, the alien seemed unfazed, which was just as well considering its dominating size. It paused and looked up for a moment, seemingly in thought. Then it looked back down at Celestia and said with a touch of sarcasm, "Nah. That was just 'cause I wanted out, and they were in my way. I'm still hungry though."

"When I said 'What do you have to say for yourself,' I expected you to say something that would justify your actions."

"Well how was I supposed to know?" The alien said, and Celestia could practically hear the smirk in its voice.

Celestia was starting to grow annoyed with the alien, and it showed in her furrowed brow. "Very well, then. How do you justify your actions?"

The alien thought for a long minute, and Celestia thought it wasn't going to answer, but then it said in a more serious tone of voice, "I would rather we discussed that at a later time. It's... something of an awkward topic."

It wasn't what Celestia asked for, but at least it was something. While she would have much preferred the alien to explain itself on the spot, she wasn't exactly in much position to force something that was over twenty times heavier than she into doing something it didn't want to do. Regardless, she didn't want to leave this confrontation without anything to show for it.

"I will hold you to that. I have told you my name, now what is yours, assuming you have one?"

"Assuming things isn't gonna get you very far in life, now, is it?" the alien said sarcastically. Before answering Celestia's question, it paused momentarily, then shrugged its massive shoulders. "Most just call me Caulk. That's what my platoon nicknamed me."

Based on "Caulk's" habit of speaking evasively, Celestia was surprised it actually gave her a straight answer. It still gave her a teasing quip, but still, it cooperated. Celestia wondered just how much it was willing to reveal about itself and its species.

"What are you? Where are you from? How did you get here?" she pestered.

Caulk looked around at the dense ring of gaurdsponies around it and sighed. "Look, with all due respect, I'd rather talk about this somewhere else." Celestia deflated, but Caulk resumed, "And for the record, I am in fact a male of my species."

"I need some kind of guarantee that you will make no more attempts to harm any of us," Celestia said. Whether or not she would be able to get answers out of him, she needed to make sure he would not harm anypony.

"Quid pro quo. Give me something to eat and I promise not to harm anyone outside of self-defense and I'll play twenty questions with you all day. Capisce?" While Celestia didn't know what 'quid pro quo' meant, Caulk's meaning was made clear. Celestia couldn't help but smile at his persistence on food.

"You really are hungry aren't you?" Celestia said with a laugh.

"I haven't eaten in over THREE FUCKING DAYS, ASSHOLE!"

~~~

"Princess Celestia" led Caulk to a secluded, walled-off portion of a nearby warehouse. During the short walk, the guards"ponies" had followed him intently, not that Caulk felt threatened by them in the least. If he so chose to, he could simply crush them underfoot. They seemed to recognize this, and so they gave him a wide berth just to avoid getting stepped on. Caulk hardly payed them much attention though. He was much more focused on thinking about his current predicament.

Okay, think, Caulk. You went through the warp gate and got knocked out. You woke up in a cell, broke out, and found out that your captors are sentient ponies. You didn't know that at the time and almost killed some, and now they're all pissed at you. So now here you are, going off to be interrogated by what would seem to be their governor.

"Question is: where is 'here'?" Caulk wondered out loud, earning an odd look and a raised eyebrow from Celestia.

When the large congregation arrived at their destination, Caulk gave a quick look around. Because of his immense size in comparison to ponies, he had had a bit of trouble getting through the doorways. Fortunately, they were made for large, cargo vehicles, so Caulk was able to get through by crawling on all fours. Each time he did, he saw Celestia failing to suppress a smirk. The area he was in was composed of a large number of wooden crates arranged to make a box shape. There was a gap that was just wide enough for him to crawl through, and it required a surprising amount of finesse to get through. Unfortunately, Caulk lacked said finesse, and accidentally knocked a crate over which managed to stay intact upon impact with the ground.

Caulk walked to a corner and sat down. Amazingly, he was able to lean against the wall of crates without them toppling over. Celestia had ordered the guards to guard the entrance to the "room," leaving the two alone.

"Now, I do believe you said you would explain yourself if I took you somewhere else," Celestia said expectantly.

Caulk, however, wanted food. "I also said that I would answer your questions if you gave me something to eat."

Celestia grumbled and said begrudgingly, "Fine. How much do you need?"

That question was a poser for Caulk. How do you describe how much you need with someone who is unfamiliar with your measurement system? Not that he would actually say "I need one kilogram of food," but still. Caulk figured that Celestia was roughly his own size when he was outside of his suit.

"A bit more than would you would eat I guess."

Celestia raised her eyebrow at Caulk again. She apparently didn't believe that a creature of his size would not need more than that. Still, she complied and left the room, and Caulk could hear murmuring through the walls. A few minutes later, Celestia entered the room again, her horn glowing yellow and a plate of food miraculously floating alongside her, glowing the same color. Caulk raised an eyebrow at that. He had seen what was apparently the guard captain construct a psionic shield, so he figured that this telekinetic ability was also a result of that.

The plate was about the same size as an ordinary dinner plate, and was piled high with an assortment of fruits, vegetables, beans and nuts. What Caulk thought odd was the presence of what looked like grass- no, hay, on the side.

Of course they eat hay. What did you expect? They're horses, Caulk thought, mentally slapping himself.

The plate floated down and stopped between Caulk's feet. There wasn't any meat, much to his disappointment, but the food still looked delicious. The only thing stopping him was Celestia standing in front of him. Caulk was a bit annoyed by that.

"Ahem"

"What is it?" Celestia asked, clearly oblivious to Caulk's complaint.

"I need to get out of this suit to eat this, you know," Caulk said, hoping she would get the hint.

She didn't. "So?"

"So how would you feel if someone of the opposite sex that you hardly knew watched you get undressed?" Caulk didn't know how much more clear he could make this. Fortunately, Celestia got the point, and Caulk laughed a bit as her face turned beet red and she exited the room without a word.

Caulk laid down flat on his back and began the suit opening sequence. With a sharp hiss, the seals on chest piece opened along the underarms and hinged open along the shoulders, taking the helmet with it in such a way that the chest piece would form a canopy over Caulk's head had he been upright. With a whirring noise, the arms and legs of the suit widened just enough for Caulk to pull his arms and legs through. Caulk clambered out of the suit's cockpit and stretched next to it for the first time in...

Geez, it must be, like, four days since I've even been outside of that suit.

He picked up the plate and noticed immediately that he didn't have anything to eat with. He was going to have to eat with his fingers. Grumbling, Caulk sat down on the his suit's leg and picked up what looked like a red apple. While he was examining it, Caulk had a sudden realization.

Wait, if I'm on an alien planet that has never had human presence, how did Terran food get here?

Caulk simply stared at the apple. After an internal debate, his growling stomach silenced any qualms he had. Taking a bite, it tasted just like any ordinary apple. Caulk finished it, as well as the rest of the food on the plate excluding the hay. While he licked his fingers clean, another thought occurred to him that made him face-palm, only now that he was out of his suit, Caulk actually did it.

You idiot. You didn't know if the air was even safe to breathe.

While that lapse in judgement was forgiven, Caulk resolved to be more careful in the future. Now finished with his task, Caulk climbed back into the suit. One of the perks of being a volunteer to the service was having a suit that one could easily get in and out of. Getting back to his feet, Caulk picked up the plate and threw it through the "doorway," causing it to shatter against the far wall. His attempt to get the ponies' attention had worked, as Celestia and the dark blue pony that he had nearly killed--which was walking with a limp--entered the room. Caulk guessed that this one was Celestia's sister.

Caulk shifted uncomfortably as Celestia's sister glared at him with enough intensity to make him cringe. While "Rainbow Dash" from earlier had tried and failed to get the same reaction, this one did.

"Uh... Uh-oh..."

~~~

Celestia had left Caulk alone to eat his food. Surprisingly, the massive creature did not require nearly as much food as she expected. Seeing as how he had laughed when Celestia left, she couldn't tell if he was joking or not when he made that remark.

Not sure how long Caulk would take to eat, Celestia thought that Luna might want to get some answers out of him as well. Teleporting to the infirmary, which was where Luna had been taken to be examined after being kicked by Caulk, Celestia asked the head nurse where Luna was. The nurse had decided she was well enough to be let go, so Celestia figured that Luna's room was the only other place she could be.

With a bright flash, Celestia teleported to Luna's room, who was sleeping on her bed. She winced when she noticed that her sister sported a massive, dark bruise on her side.

"Luna?"

Luna's eyes cracked open and she immediately groaned at the pain in her side. "I would appreciate it if you would knock before entering, sister."

Well, all things considered she could have been off a lot worse. "I was able to convince Caulk to refrain from acting violently, and he also agreed to answer some questions."

"'Caulk'?" Luna asked.

"Oh, right. The alien. His name is Caulk." Celestia face-hoofed. Of course Luna didn't know who Caulk was. She was taken to the infirmary almost immediately after he had released her.

Luna climbed out of her bed and started pestering Celestia with questions excitedly. "So you were able to talk to him? Does he really speak Equinic? How? Where is he from?"

"Yes, I was able to talk to him, though that was about the extent of it. He was insistent on getting something to eat before he would answer anything. He's eating right now and I thought you might want to give him a piece of your mind after what he did."

Luna smirked and said, "Lead the way."

Celestia and Luna each teleported in near the improvised interrogation room, startling the guards.

"Has there been any change?" Celestia asked one of the guards.

"No, ma'am. It hasn't said or done-" CRASH "... anything..."

As though the alien was listening in on their conversation and had decided to pull a prank, the ceramic plate Celestia had given Caulk came flying out the gap in the walls like a discus. The plate smashed against the far wall almost a hundred hooflengths away. Trailing the plate were sprigs of hay and an apple core that, save for the apple core, floated gently down before they came to a rest on the floor.

The Royal Sisters walked to the gap in the wall, skirting the crate that Caulk had accidentally knocked over. Celestia noticed that Luna had a noticeable limp in her leg where Caulk had kicked her. Within the room, they found Caulk sitting in a corner, watching them closely. He appeared to take a special notice of Luna, and appeared to be shifting uncomfortably in his seat. When Celestia glanced at her sister, she found that she was staring at Caulk with the most intense glare she had ever seen in a pony.

Caulk was the first to say anything, but it was more of a vocal reflection of his thoughts of Luna's glare. "Uh... Uh-oh..."

"'Uh-oh' is right. I think you owe me something for that kick back there," Luna said angrily.

"Fine, fine. What do you want?" he said, and now that he had actually spoken something, Luna dropped her glare and began to look excited.

"You to answer any question I give you," she said with a mischievous grin.

Caulk responded by groaning, "Great... now there are two of you." He sighed. "Alright, so who's first?"

Before Luna could say anything, Celestia blurted, "There are better ways to get somepony's attention than throwing a plate. You could have just yelled."

"Yeah, I could have. But where's the fun in that? You gotta enjoy the little things in life, you know."

Celestia raised an eyebrow and said, "Fair enough. Now, how do you justify your earlier actions?"

"Straight down to business, huh?" Caulk said with a laugh, "I like that. Better than all of the evasive politicians and whatnot back 'home'. How do I justify my actions? Well, let me start by saying that where I come from, ponies and horses are non-sentient, and are often domesticated for use on farms and such. Of course, they aren't anymore, and haven't been for several hundred years."

"What do you mean, 'non-sentient'?" Luna cut in.

If Caulk hadn't been wearing a helmet, Celestia felt like he would have been scowling at Luna for the interruption.

"What I mean is, they don't have any sapient intelligence. They don't speak or have intelligent thought. They're just animals. Like dogs or cats."

This idea disturbed Celestia. Was it really possible for ponies to be little more than animals elsewhere in the universe? And how Caulk's kind stand to use them as beasts of burden?

"So you use them to haul things around?" Luna said in disbelief, "That's barbaric!"

Caulk let out a dry laugh. "Well it's not like we drive them like slaves. Most people treat them as well as their situations and resources permit."

"Fair enough, but how does that tie in to your actions?" Celestia asked, seeking a better answer.

"I thought you were the same, non-sentient animals that I'm familiar with. If you've seen what I've seen, the deaths of a few animals is seen as collateral, if even that."

"And what exactly have you seen to make you think that?" Luna pressed, furious at his apathy for the lives of other creatures, "Anypony who is so hollow should be considered as walking dead!"

"Hmph. Things that I would rather forget."

"Such as...?"

"War. Disease. Genocide. Is any of this getting through to you? I have seen more people die from each of these than there are on this planet!" Caulk roared. This was obviously a sensitive subject with him.

Celestia cringed. Whatever happened, she did not want to anger this creature. But still, if his words were anything to go by, then all the death he had seen was enough to dull one's sensitivity to the lives of animals.

Desperate to take his mind off this subject, Celestia asked, "So, then, what exactly are you? Where are you from?"

After taking a few deep breaths to calm himself, Caulk said, "Terran. We originate from Earth, which is the translation of the ancient Greek word terra. Pretty imaginative, right?" His voice was practically dripping with sarcasm.

"What do you mean you 'originate' from Earth?" Luna asked. In truth, this was an intriguing question, as Celestia had noticed as well that Caulk had paused momentarily to choose that particular word.

"Over the centuries, we have colonized dozens of worlds. Some of them have populations as high as there were on Old Earth," Caulk said this as though everypony knew it.

Dozens? Celestia thought. She could hardly believe the idea that they had even fully populated their own world.

"Which are you from, then?" Luna was acting giddy at this. That made sense, though, as the stars were Luna's domain.

"Tyrador VIII," Caulk stated matter-of-factly. As much as Celestia was appreciating his straight answers, they were minimal at best.

"And? What can you tell us about it?" Celestia pressed.

"It was one of the first 'planned' colonies we had. It was known for having high standards of education and general living. The last I heard, the Zerg were successfully expelled from it."

The "Zerg" was something new. "What are the Zerg?" Celestia asked.

"Remember what I said about genocide? Let's just say that the Zerg deserve to be killed off," Caulk stated flatly. Celestia had a feeling that he was hiding his true opinions, but his words alone were enough to concern her. The Terrans committed genocide on the Zerg? There was no excuse for something like that.

"What reason would you give for wanting to destroy them?" Luna dared to venture.

"I'll explain that later," Caulk said, avoiding the question. "Suffice to say, they are a race with a collective intelligence, and so far their only goal is to consume or assimilate all life in the galaxy. And they have left their mark, if you catch my drift."

Celestia shuddered at the thought of a race that had actually had some success in attempting to devour every living being in existence. Eager to get off such a grim topic, she asked, "Do you have some kind of uniting government?"

"Yeah. The Dominion, ruled by the God Emperor Mengsk." Caulk had the sarcasm stream going full force, and spat out the name "Emperor Mengsk" with disdain.

What could have caused somepony to hate their ruler with such intensity? "Why do you hate your emperor so much?" Luna asked. Since the Nightmare Moon ordeal, Luna had been concerned with how the public saw her, so she was constantly putting an effort to help ponies and improve her image.

Instead of answering, Caulk seemed to be thinking for a moment, but then a voice recording began emanating from him. The voice made Celestia and Luna think immediately of a tyrannical ruler, and what it said didn't help ease it, *... I will not be stopped. Not by you, or the Protoss or anyone! I will rule this sector, or see it burn to ashes around me...*

When the recording stopped, Caulk said, "Before the Dominion came to power five years ago, we were united under the Confederacy, a corrupt and cruel government. Mengsk, like all of us, wanted to destroy it, so he put Psi Emitters on the surface of Tarsonis--which was like the Confederacy's capitol--to lure the Zerg to destroy it. Over two billion people died as a result of Mengsk's actions, and he told everyone that he had nothing to do with it."

Celestia gaped. She had heard tales of the ancients of wars resulting in the deaths of thousands, and she had seen the chaos that Discord had wrought.

Caulk must have seen the shocked looks on both their faces because he continued. "But wait, it gets better. The Zerg came back a year ago."

Another voice recording played, but this one sounded like multiple snippets from others patched together.

*-Zerg swarm launched a full scale attack-

-Devastation spread throughout all outer rim planets-

-Sustained heavy losses-

-Casualties in the billions-

-Minutes ago the zerg attacked a Dominion military research facility-

-New, exclusive video footage confirms the Queen of Blades is in fact leading the swarm!*

For the second time that day, Caulk had left Celestia speechless.

Caulk called on Luna's remark that he was hollow inside. "I hope now you know where I'm coming from with this. I'm a soldier. I think of all of this as necessary sacrifice. Deaths are inconveniences now, nothing more. We are all 'dead men walking'."

VI - Unlikely Allies

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn't raise herself no dirty boy.

VI - Unlikely Allies

__________

After four days, the howling storm clouds lifted from around the small, semi-subterranean outpost on Braxis. Due to the extreme cold, the mechanisms that opened the thick gates refused to function, and would take a day to thaw. When the weather was good, Braxis had some of the most awe inspiring vistas in the Koprulu Sector. The plain the base bordered was filled with rolling dunes of freshly fallen snow and ice, and far off in the distance the Cryoblade Mountains could be seen. The plains also sported a bizarre formation of snow dunes in the center that had stumped geologists and cartographers alike for years. While it could not be seen from the ground due to its size, from an aerial view one could easily see the word "Blizzard."

After several hours, the meteorological sensors above the surface gave the all-clear.

A certain communications officer had begun to fear the worst ever since the beginning of the storm. When a storm hit on Braxis, anyone outside had little to no chance of surviving if they didn't have shelter, food and water. Being the dispatcher as well, he had developed a personal relationship with many of the troops that went out on patrol. It was rare for the patrols to report anything out of the ordinary, but when they did it was always, "I saw an ursadon!" or something else ridiculous along those lines. But, there was only one person who would say stuff like that, and at present his survival was in question.

You had better not be dead, Caulk, the communications officer thought, It'll get boring around here.

The firebat was an oddity. Caulk was one of those individuals that refused to be fully grown, yet at the same time outclassed nearly every other soldier in the Dominion. He was often accused of being bipolar or having dissociative identity disorder. In truth, Caulk was none of these, he was just weird. One moment he would go from making light-hearted racial jokes, and the instant someone went too far he would become gravely serious.

Most of Caulk's off-time was spent plotting pranks on the senior officers. The communications officer had lost count of all the times he had been on the receiving end. Annoying as it was, the pranks were always different, and each hilarious in their own right. Once, he had placed pennies on, literally, every flat surface in the Colonel's office. There was another instance where he placed boxes at high-traffic locations throughout the outpost labelled: "FREE BOUNCY BALLS!! TAKE ONE!!" Needless to say, the Colonel was not satisfied with the outcome.

Now that the storm had passed, the radio would be able to send and receive signals without all the interference. The communications officer immediately attempted to contact Caulk. His already deep concern was not allayed by the fact that his radio signal was reading: "out of range."

"Command to patrol seven-nine, what is your current position, over?" The communications officer already knew it was a lost cause. He just had a small glimmer of hope that there was just the slightest chance that Caulk might still be alive.

*...Bzzzzzzzt...*

The officer slumped in his seat. I guess we'd better sent out a search party, the officer thought, We might at least be able to find his body.

The officer began replaying the audio logs from Caulk's patrol four days ago. He smiled when he got to the quick verbal sparring match that had taken place between the two on that day. He finally stopped when he got to the last transmission. In it, Caulk had said that he had arrived at rally point tau, and was going to pursue an unknown entity.

"Rally point tau... where is that..." the officer muttered to himself as he pulled up the regional map. He froze when he realized that it was the chasm that everyone spoke bad about, the one that some of the more superstitious types had claimed to house a demon. There was every chance Caulk could have taken shelter in the chasm, but whatever he was pursuing could be just as likely for being responsible for his death. Pulling up Caulk's GPS tracking records for that day, the officer found that his signal suddenly disappeared at the end of the chasm.

What could have done that? One would have had to go underground for that to happen. The only logical explanation that the officer could come up with was that there was a cave of some nature at the end of the chasm, and that Caulk had decided to enter it.

The officer scoffed. Dammit, Caulk. Even in death you can make my life a pain in the ass.

As much as Caulk was able to piss everyone off from time to time, he was still looked up to as one of the best on station, second only to the local Ghost operative. Their lives might be simpler with him gone, but none would deny that his skills were invaluable. They needed to get him back.

With a sigh, the officer got up from his chair and walked to the Colonel's office.

"What do you want, Archie?" the Colonel asked. Given his experience, the Colonel was able to speak phrases that would normally be considered rude in a polite manner. Archie had tried it before, but he hadn't quite been able to pull it off.

"Caulk is MIA, sir," Archie stated bluntly. Everyone on the station knew Caulk. He was almost like a celebrity, but unlike singers and such, he had earned his fame.

"Caulk? Dammit..." the Colonel growled, "He's the one guy here that can fight worth shit. How soon can we send out a search party?"

"No sooner than one day from now, sir. The gates take a while to start functioning after the storms here."

The Colonel groaned. Being stationed on Braxis was nice in that there was plenty of peace and quiet, but if you weren't careful, everything would freeze up. Everything needed special attention, even the most robust of machinery.

"Alright, as soon as the gates start working again, we're sending out a search and rescue team. We leave no one behind."

~~~

*Notice to Phi Squadron, you are to be deployed for a search and rescue mission for firebat unit Caulk as soon as the gates are functional. Expect to move out by mid-day tomorrow.*

A listening observer drone picked up an intercom transmission sent throughout one of the two smaller Terran bases. Its simple artificial intelligence deemed this message as being of worthy note, as there had been little activity of interest taking place on the abandoned Protoss colony lately. The observer passed the short message along to the local Daelaam fleet fragment.

Executor Imorin jumped in surprise when her console made a loud beep! with the arrival of an audio log. At first, Imorin thought it might be a message from one of her superiors. She was almost disappointed when it turned out to be little more than a recording from one of the small bases on the ice-world Braxis, as the Terrans called it. Before the temperatures of the world dropped, the world had once been called Khyrador by the Protoss inhabitants.

The Terrans are fools to believe that they can settle there, Imorin thought, But I must admire their resolve.

Imorin despised having a fleet in this system. The Terrans, in all their strange ways had somehow managed to quell the vast majority of the Zerg Swarm. While this was a good change for all life in the galaxy, it certainly made Imorin's job quite boring, and was only punctuated by this ignored star system. Despite not having any reason to have any sort of feelings for the Terrans, Imorin felt genuinely proud for the accomplishments of those primitive beings that had recently become such a thorn in the Protoss' side. She also felt sorry for the poor individuals that had to be stationed on Khyrador. They not only had the same boredom issue that she had, but they also had to worry about the devastatingly cold temperatures.

This intercom message did not seem like it would be of much significance, but it was rare that a search party would be deployed for only one individual, be they Terran or Protoss. Curious, Imorin attempted to access the terminals on the small outpost that the recording originated from. "Attempted" was the word, as the systems were heavily encrypted and used an incredibly archaic form of coding by Protoss standards. After a long period of attempting to crack the encryption and a string of vulgar words that Imorin had discovered on the Terrans' "internet," she was finally able to breach the firewalls. The Protoss fleet commander never would have guessed that there was such value in learning about the Terrans and their technology during her time at the Academy.

Reading through the database, Imorin found a file of records pertaining to a firebat unit dubbed simply as "Caulk." Figuring that this was who the speaker on the intercom was talking about, she began reading through his file. Imorin had once observed a platoon of Terran troops in combat with the Zerg. As she recalled, the firebats were the ones that were armed with plasmathrowers that could decimate small groups of zerglings. This "Caulk" had a record as long as Imorin's flagship. What she was most impressed with was the mention of his single-handedly defeating a Zerg Torrasque. She had lost multiple cohorts of troops just to bring down one of the monstrous creatures.

What puzzled Imorin the most was thinking of what could cause "Caulk" to suddenly disappear. The warrior was obviously worthy of the highest of commendations in the Daelaam military as a result of his accomplishments. So what could possibly be capable of defeating him in combat? There was definitely nothing currently residing on Khyrador that could be capable of that, save other Terrans. Desertion was also out of the question, as there had been a frightening storm taking place that Khyrador was famous for. Nothing would have survived without proper shielding in those conditions.

Curious, Imorin began examining Caulk's latest movement records. He had apparently been exploring a very deep but narrow canyon that was shrouded almost completely in darkness. She traced his footsteps until they came to the end of the canyon, where they abruptly stopped.

A tunnel, perhaps? Imorin considered, That seems to be the only plausible thing that could be responsible for this "Caulk's" disappearance. The question that now arises is what caused him to stay there?

Imorin was conflicted. On one hand, she could take the safe path and stay away from Khyrador so as to avoid detection by the Terrans, who would undoubtedly see it as an act of aggression. On the other hand, she and her subordinates were bored with this stagnant position.

As the Terran saying goes: "Let's mix things up a little."

Imorin marked the location of Caulk's last known location and was about to contact Aldarix, a centurion who was her personal cohort's second-in-command, when a thought came to her.

Why is this Terran worth searching for?

She wasn't sure. Something about him in what she read made him seem profoundly unique. She had never met or heard of anyone who displayed even remotely similar characteristics. This thought lingering in her mind, Imorin called Aldarix in his post halfway across the ship.

*En Taro Adun, Executor. What do you ask of me?* came Aldarix's voice. Aldarix was old, even by Protoss standards, but time seemed to not affect him. He began service in the military almost eight hundred years ago, and was now a widely respected individual. Despite almost a millennium of experience, he had chosen to forgo politics, and instead remained as a powerful psionic warrior on the front lines.

"Aldarix, assemble the rest of the cohort and acquire a shuttle for us. We are going down to the surface of Khyrador."

*Khyrador? Why are we risking detection by the Terrans? They will see this as a threat to their territory should they discover us.*

"I will explain on the way, Aldarix. I am only sending out one cohort for the very purpose of avoiding detection."

Aldarix laughed at that, *I knew there was a reason you were chosen for this position, Executor. You are a far more efficient leader than I could ever be.*

"I shall meet you in a moment. Ensure that my troops are prepared."

When Imorin entered the shuttle bay she immediately noticed a line of ten zealots standing shoulder to shoulder, as well as an elegantly garbed High Templar standing before them. Once they noticed her entrance, the zealots snapped to attention and shouted their usual address to their superiors, "Issah'tu!" as a whole.

Aldarix acknowledged Imorin's arrival with a simple nod. He turned to the line of zealots and ordered, "Everyone aboard the shuttle," to which they complied.

Turning back to Imorin, Aldarix said, "Now, for what purpose are we embarking on this... excursion? I hardly think that Khyrador contains much of interest, especially now."

Now that she had to explain herself, Imorin found that she was somewhat uncomfortable with the idea. "An observer drone sent me a recording of an intercom command sent out by the commanding officer of one of the smaller Terran outposts. It said that they were preparing to deploy a squadron to find one of their missing soldiers."

"I... see. I take this to mean that you want to investigate this yourself, no? What is so special about this one Terran?" Aldarix sounded skeptical, but that was understandable. Had she been in his place, Imorin would have thought much the same thing.

"This Terran is something else. From what I have read, he would be considered a legendary warrior had he been born Protoss. I am curious as to why he has disappeared, as it seems that there is little that would be capable of defeating him."

Aldarix laughed and said, "So, you are intending to find this Terran under the justification of investigating an unknown entity on Khyrador, hm? Ah well, at least we will have something to occupy ourselves with for now."

Before Imorin could voice her rebuttal, Aldarix had already boarded the shuttle.

If only you knew what I know.

~~~

Archie was angry. After the Colonel had ordered Phi Squadron to prepare for deployment, he had turned to Archie and said, "Welcome to Phi Squadron, Lieutenant. You're the new first officer," and handed him the respective nautilus shell decal to put on his armor. He knew how to fight, and was quite adept at it in truth, but that did not mean Archie liked it. This was just one more way that Caulk could make Archie's life a living hell, even when he was gone.

He had been sent off to the barracks to be outfitted with his standard-issue CMC-300 power-armor that the marines traditionally wore, which now sported a nautilus shell decal. Archie hated it. It was bulky, cumbersome, slow, and you couldn't scratch, something that Archie needed to do really badly right now.

Interestingly, the gates had resumed functionality a few hours after Archie had finished suiting up. This phenomenon left everyone in the base scratching their heads. Why didn't it take as long for the gates to thaw? The answer struck Archie as clear as day. The storm didn't last nearly as long as they usually did here on Braxis, four days as opposed to a week, so it only made sense that the gates wouldn't take as long to thaw.

Notwithstanding, that just meant Archie would have to go out in the cold a day earlier. Grumbling, Archie looked around the massive hangar bay that had the colossal gate on one end and various doors to all parts of the base on the other. Lining the walls were indentations that housed fighter ships, bombers and drop-ships of various types. Siege tanks and Goliath siege walkers lined the floor around the walls.

Archie noticed a large platoon of various types of units standing next to the gate. Amusingly, the different types of troops all grouped together and appeared to ignore all the others. Here, a circle of ten marines, there, a cluster of five jet-pack wearing reapers, and next to the group of marines was a trio of marauders, soldiers that wore similar armor to the firebats, except their armor was black and they were armed with concussion grenade launchers instead of flamethrowers.

Archie was working is way to the group of marines to check in with the Captain when he noticed a lone, lightly armored soldier standing off to the side. Begrudgingly, he realized this must be Davis, the base's Ghost operative. Ghosts were the closest things the Dominion had to psionic soldiers. They were capable of turning invisible for short periods of time, had the ability of telepathy, and in some cases possessed varying degrees of proficiency in telekinesis. Ghosts were often used as spies and assassins, and sometimes they would be ordered to paint targets for tactical nuclear missile strikes.

Ghosts were generally despised by the troops that knew them, not because of their cold-blooded tendencies for killing, but because of their constant, stuck-up behavior. They always seemed to believe that they were superior to the standard Terran, and acted the part. It certainly didn't help Davis that he was completely loyal to Mengsk, whereas everyone on station, including the Colonel, was fiercely anti-Dominion.

Resuming his course towards the cluster of marines, Archie picked the Captain out of the crowd.

"Captain, Second Lieutenant Stuart Archer reporting for duty, sir," Archie said with a quick salute.

The Captain was less than thrilled with Archie's appearance. "Lovely. They give me a techie as a first officer. Do you even know how to use that thing, son?" he said, pointing at Archie's rifle.

"Uh, yes sir."

"Good. If we run into any trouble out there, shoot Davis in the confusion."

Archie blinked. That wasn't the remark he was expecting. He was anticipating a stinging insult at his lack of combat skills, not an order to kill Davis. Admittedly though, Archie had every intent of carrying out those orders.

Good riddance, I say.

"With all due respect, sir, since he's a telepath, don't you think it would be a bad idea to say that out loud?"

"Son, I've been giving this order to my boys for the past five months. He knows."

"Then... why hasn't he been killed yet, sir?"

"Because we haven't run into any trouble," the Captain stated matter-of-factly.

As if on cue, the massive gate began to open, hinging outward along the top. Everyone stopped talking and began exiting through the massive aperture, the reapers zipping out ahead of everyone else to scout the way. As Archie was stepping into the snow, however, the fifth and last reaper came up alongside him.

"Yo, Archie, why're we lookin' for this guy anyway? He's just some nutjob pyro that got lost out here in the snow," the reaper said in his guttural voice.

"'Cause this 'nutjob pyro' is the only soldier worth crap around here." This conversation could get old. Fast.

"Yeah? And what makes 'im so special, eh?"

"He can kill and survive at the same time. Something you idiots seem incapable of."

"We c'n survive if we want to. It's jus' way more fun ta get right in them bad guys' faces."

"Undoubtedly," Archie said with a bit of finality.

The reaper harrumphed and shot ahead to join the others. Phi Squadron continued on their way to the chasm Caulk had disappeared in. When the narrow canyon came into view, Archie saw a small, yellow and blue craft emerge from the chasm and fly speeding into the upper atmosphere, and eventually disappearing. Archie recognized that design of ship.

"Captain, there is a Protoss presence here. I just saw their ship."

Upon hearing this, the Captain swore and said, "Double-time, ladies!"

That said, the squadron broke into a run towards the chasm.

~~~

The shuttle drone had dropped the cohort right at the point where "Caulk's" path had vanished in the chasm. As Imorin suspected, there was a cave at the end of this canyon, and she had no doubt that this was where he had gone. Before she began leading the way into the tunnel, Imorin looked down the canyon, and felt a chill course through her. Something about this place seemed wrong in some way, but she could not quite put her finger on it.

Shrugging it off, Imorin led the way into the tunnel with Aldarix at her side, and the rest of the cohort stepping in unison as they followed her. Because of the dark, Aldarix had to generate a psionic lantern over the cohort. After a time, the walls smoothed, and their footsteps began to make a metallic clack when they struck the floor. Imorin began to become impatient, wondering if the corridor would ever end, when it opened into a massive room that was illuminated with a bright light upon their entry.

Imorin examined the room. Lining the walls were dozens upon dozens of what she immediately recognized as ancient Xel'Naga warp gates.

"Well, Executor, I believe we have found the cause of our Terran's disappearance," Aldarix said with a touch of humor, but Imorin could tell in his voice that he was just as awestruck as she was.

"Indeed. I wonder why a place such as this has avoided mention? Surely there must be writings of it somewhere."

"There must be some mention of this place in our archives. Never before has such a large collection of Xel'Naga structures been found."

Imorin examined one of the warp gates and said, "Is there any way you could see which one of these the Terran used?"

Aldarix rubbed his chin. "I believe I can, if you are willing to wait a while. It will not be an easy task."

"We will wait."

Aldarix sat down on the floor and closed his eyes. His body began emanating a blue aura and levitated into the air. Imorin was familiar with this. It was similar to meditating, but one's mind was working far harder than any other situation.

As Imorin waited, she began to become aware of a shuffling coming from the tunnel she had just come through. Choosing to ignore it turned out to be a mistake on her part, as she turned around just in time to see a jet-pack-wearing-Terran shout: "HERE COMES THE PAIN!" and flew straight at her, smashing its boot into her face.

Imorin staggered backwards from the blow and observed the Terran before her. It was wearing a lighter form of armor than most Terran warriors did, and had a massive rocket-pack on its backside. In its hands were a pair of large, one-handed weapons that it was already raising to open fire at her. Before it could, Imorin activated her psi blade and plunged it into the Terran's chest, making it collapse to the ground in a heap.

"Aldarix! Prepare yourself for battle!" Imorin shouted, snapping Aldarix out of his "meditation."

A moment later, four more of the flying Terrans emerged from the tunnel, weapons blazing. The plasma shields on every Protoss in the cohort lit up, but were able to hold against the hail of bullets. The Terrans made a crucial mistake of touching down to attack, and they each paid for it in blood when the zealots charged to cut them down. One of the flying Terrans managed to fly away, though it was missing an arm. Aldarix grabbed it with his psionics and smashed him into the ground, from which it did not rise again.

During the distraction, the cohort failed to notice a group of ten red-armored marines and three black-armored marauders enter the room, which all began firing on the cohort. These troops were far more coordinated than any that Imorin had seen. They focused their fire on one zealot at a time, and brought down three before they even reached the squad, their suits warping them back to the ship before they could sustain much bodily damage.

Aldarix was trying in vain to generate a psionic storm on the Terrans without harming any of the other zealots. Imorin decided she should try and contribute to the fight some, and noticed one Terran in particular that appeared to be giving orders. Working her way to behind the Terrans by sneaking behind the warp gates, Imorin was able to charge forward and attack the commander directly.

Unfortunately, the commander saw her coming and began firing at her, the bullets bouncing off her shields. Realizing that its weapon wasn't doing much good, it stopped shooting. The commander pressed a button on its weapon and a large bayonet jutted out of the end.

"DIE, YOU COLD-BLOODED, ALIEN FREAK!" the Terran roared as it charged at her. It slashed its weapon at her, giving Imorin a small cut on the arm. The Terran had over-committed in its attack, however, and was thrown off balance, which Imorin took immediate advantage of and brought her psi blade across its back, cutting its form in two.

Another Terran in the rest of the group had watched this happen, and yelled, "Captain!" It was at this moment that Imorin noticed that her cohort was being held at bay by the Terrans, whose numbers had been reduced to six marines and a single marauder. Something unseen was there, however, and was wreaking havoc on Imorin's cohort.

They must have one of their Ghost warriors with them, Imorin reasoned grimly.

Her attention was then brought back to the Terran that had watched her kill the commander, who was preparing to open fire at her.

Archie had been in a few fights before, but this one was one of the more brutal. There was no cover for both sides, and they were both low on numbers. This couldn't be a pleasant situation for anyone, be they friend or foe. Amidst all the commotion, Archie hadn't noticed one Protoss sneak behind the squad until he heard the Captain yell an incoherent phrase. When he turned around, he saw an especially odd-looking Protoss slice the Captain in half with its plasma-blade or whatever the hell they called the things.

"Captain!" Archie yelled, though it was more of an exclamation of bewilderment than anything else.

Archie began raising his weapon as the strange Protoss looked up at him. Before he could open fire, Archie looked around for a moment and saw that the Terrans and Protoss were locked in a stalemate. The marines and remaining marauder were keeping the Protoss at bay quite successfully, but each time they drove the zealots off, the High Templar in the distance would have a clear zone to send a wave of psionic electricity through. The instant it started this, the marines would open fire at the Templar, whose shields withstood the attacks, which caused the zealots to charge in to attack the marines. This trend was repeating itself constantly, and while the two sides were wearing each other down, at this rate there would be nothing left of each side when this was all said and done. And Archie still couldn't find Davis so he could shoot him.

It took a moment for him to realize it, but since Archie was first officer according to the Captain, who was now dead, he was in charge. Archie took a moment to get his thoughts together. Judging by the uniqueness in its armor, he presumed that this strange Protoss before him must be the commander.

Dammit, I can not believe I'm doing this. "Cease fire! Truce!"

The marines and remaining marauder stopped firing and turned to face Archie.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" shouted one of the marines.

"We're not getting anywhere with this! We're just tearing each other apart!" Archie yelled back. This was a delicate situation that could go south very easily.

Archie stepped tentatively towards the presumed Protoss commander. One thing that he had forgotten was that Protoss were tall. They stood at around three meters as opposed to a Terran barely reaching two. Nervous, he said, "Are you in charge here?"

He was surprised when he heard- no, thought a response from the Protoss. He had to remind himself that the Protoss communicated through telepathy.

"Yes. I am Executor Imorin and I am in command of the fleet in this star system. And you are?" Archie was sure by its "voice" that this Protoss was a female, which would explain why it looked peculiar compared to the others.

"Second Lieutenant Stuart Archer. I'm first officer of this squadron and now that the Captain's dead, that puts me in charge."

"I see. Is there a reason as to why you have called a truce? Few Terrans would take that course of action."

"Neither of us is winning here. If this keeps up, we'll just cut each other to ribbons. There should be a way we can solve this without further conflict, right?"

Imorin nodded. "I would suppose you are correct. I feel that this small altercation is but a reflection of the conflict between our two species as a whole. We are achieving little more than mutual destruction."

Archie smiled behind his visor. "Good, we at least agree this far. Now what are you people doing here, may I ask?"

Imorin shuffled her feet, seemingly uncomfortably before saying, "You are searching for one of your own warriors, yes? I read his documents and was curious as to what might have caused a warrior of such acclaim to suddenly disappear."

Archie was surprised to hear this. "Wait, you're telling me that you were looking for Caulk too?"

"... I also got very bored with not having anything to do out here," Imorin said hesitantly. This statement almost made Archie burst out laughing.

"Alright, I'll tell you what. We can do a lot more good working together than fighting each other. We'd be honored if you would aid us, Executor Imorin," Archie said in as diplomatic a voice as he could muster.

"We would gladly offer aid where needed, Lieutenant Stuart Archer, and- what is this?" Imorin asked. Upon hearing this, Archie had held out his hand for a handshake.

Archie dropped his rifle and facepalmed with his now free hand. "It's a handshake. It represents an agreement or understanding between two people."

Imorin simply stared at him incredulously, but then decided to play along and took Archie's hand, at which they shook.

"... So you came here because you were bored?" Archie laughed, "I think we're gonna get along juuuust fine."

~~~

A shiver went down Caulk's spine, causing him to tremble violently.

Using his suit's built-in megaphone, he shouted, "HEY! GET SOMEONE IN HERE!"

Within five seconds of shouting this, a golden-armored guardspony entered the room. He was clearly hesitant by the looks of his eyes, but he walked with resolve.

Lowering his voice, Caulk said, "Go outside and tell me if you see any flying pigs out there."

The guardspony simply stared at him blankly.

"Er... 'Flying pigs'?"

"You heard me," Caulk said nonchalantly, "'Cause I'm pretty sure Hell just froze over."

VII - Getting Acquantied

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn't raise herself no dirty boy.

VII - Getting Acquainted

__________

Following the momentous revelation that Caulk had imparted to the princesses, they had quickly left to discuss his fate further. This left Caulk alone and bored in the small room with nothing to do but pace around next to the walls of wooden crates.

What the heck is in these boxes, anyway? Caulk wondered, There's no labels on them or anything. Not even a logo.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he picked up the crate he had accidentally knocked over upon entering the room and set about trying to figure out which side was the lid. After a bit of contemplation, Caulk found what he thought to be the lid and carefully began prying it open, which was a surprisingly difficult task, given that he did not have a crowbar and that the crate was quite a bit smaller and more fragile than most Terran-made shipping crates. Finally, he was able to pry the crate open and, upon beholding its contents, broke down and roared with laughter for three straight minutes.

Oh man, I've gotta show this stuff to these princesses.

Caulk replaced the lid of the crate and flipped it upside-down, so that if he were to lift the box, its contents would spill out. He slid it to the middle of the room and sat back down in his corner, chuckling to himself and imagining all the possible reactions he would get.

About a half hour after the princesses had left Caulk, they reappeared in the "doorway," each bearing a look of confusion when they saw the crate in the middle of the room. Before they could say anything, and without saying a word either, Caulk stood up and approached the crate nonchalantly. He picked it up and grinned to himself as its contents fell out and saw the looks on the princesses faces. Because, within the crate were packages of bondage rope, vibrators, condoms and various other unidentifiable devices of primarily sexual applications.

Princess Celestia's face turned bright red and Luna's turned a deep shade of purple. Caulk was trying as hard as he could to contain his mirth at the expressions on their faces.

After a few awkward moments, Celestia finally said, "Th-those aren't ours." At that, Caulk fell on his back and burst out laughing maniacally.

"BAHAHAHA! Those were the funniest looks I've seen since I dressed up as Slender Man!" Caulk laughed, "I haven't seen that much porno stuff since college!"

Caulk continued laughing for several minutes, during which time Celestia had put all of the risque implements back in the crate and replaced the lid. The regal sisters then waited with decaying patience for Caulk to stop laughing.

Once he did, he sat up and said with feigned disappointment, "Aw, you put the stuff away!"

Ignoring him, Luna said with some annoyance, "Are you quite finished with your foalish games?"

Caulk just sighed and said, "Man, you're no fun. Yeah, I'm done. Do with me as thou wilt."

Luna and Celestia blinked at Caulk's use of the older dialect. Obviously, it was somewhat unexpected from him. Caulk grinned devilishly when he thought of just how much fun he could have screwing with the minds of these ponies.

"After some consideration," Luna began, "we have decided that we are going to keep you here in Canterlot, for as much as your safety as much as that of our subjects. We mean no offense when we say that we cannot risk you running loose in the countryside."

"Hm. So, I take that to mean I'm confined to this warehouse then, huh?" Caulk said, unhappy with the prospect of being restrained.

"If you behave, we'll let you go outside. Provided, of course, you are on a leash," Celestia quipped.

Caulk grinned at the verbal prodding. Okay, I like this one already. "I assume I would also have to be within a fenced off area?" he joked.

"Oh, of course. You also would need a shock collar," Celestia continued with a laugh. "In all seriousness though, since we are going to be stuck with you for... who knows how long, we had best be familiarized with each other."

Caulk shrugged. He didn't exactly want to stay here, wherever "here" was, but he had little doubt that his time spent would be quite a while. "Alright then, you guys go first. I'll start when everyone that needs to hear it is here. Don't like repeating myself."

"Fair enough," Luna sighed, disappointed in Caulk's unwillingness to talk anytime soon. "Well, you already know our names, so let's start there, shall we? We are the rulers of this nation that which you find yourself in: Equestria. I am the princess of the night, where my sister is the princess of the day."

"Wait, what's so important about this 'night and day' thing?" Caulk interrupted.

"Simple," said Celestia, "I raise the sun in the morning and Luna raises the moon at dusk."

"That's crap," Caulk stated plainly. He could come up with several good reasons as to why such a thing was impossible.

"You... do not believe that?"

"Nope. Basic physics, dumbass," Caulk said, "Anyone who ever took science class, and even those that didn't, know that a massive object requires a massive amount of force to move. The star that Braxis orbits has a mass of two nonillion kilograms. There is no way in hell any living being could possible exert nearly enough energy to move something that massive. Even Edis, that planet's moon, has a mass of fourteen sextillion kilograms. And Edis is small! Give me one logical explanation as to why I should believe that the two of you can move something that massive."

Caulk watched with satisfaction as the two ponies' jaws practically hit the floor. He had left them in the dust for sure.

Celestia quickly recovered and said, "Yes, but we are capable of drawing magical energy across dimensions, of which there are quite a few."

Okay, wow. I didn't actually expect an answer, Caulk thought. Still, he was skeptical. "I'll believe it when I see it. For now, I'm convinced you're just pulling my leg." Magic? Psionics?

"Very well, then. Perhaps we can perform a demonstration tonight," Luna said, as though she were proclaiming a challenge.

"I still say it's bull crap."

~~~

Following the brief meeting with Caulk, the Royal Sisters set about trying to round up each of the Elements of Harmony as well as Spike and Shining Armor. They had all been relatively easy to find, with the exception of Pinkie Pie. After about an hour or so of searching, Luna finally found her in the castle kitchen with her face pressed up against the window of an oven. When Luna asked what she was doing, she put up a hoof to silence her without even moving her face.

Without warning, a timer went off and Pinkie jumped straight into the air and started bouncing around the kitchen singing, "THEY'REREADYTHEY'REREADYTHEY'REREADY!" Then she darted to the oven, opened the door and pulled out a tray of cupcakes, which she then started decorating with different colors of frosting on each one. Luna noticed that on one she had written with frosting: "Welcome to Equestria!"

"Pinkie Pie?"

The instant Luna spoke, Pinkie whirled around and gasped when she saw the princess, and then unleashed a steady torrent of words. "Oh my gosh I didn't know you where there Princess I was busy baking cupcakes for the alien does his species have cupcakes do you think he would like them here try one!" She finished by shoving one of the cupcakes into a still-bewildered Luna's mouth.

Without having much choice in the matter, Luna chewed the cupcake and, while Luna had genuinely tried to taste the cupcake, the actual flavor was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of sweetness that pervaded her senses.

"What do you think?" Pinkie asked quickly, her face less than half a hooflength away from Luna's.

Her eyes watering, Luna struggled to swallow the cupcake and said, "It's... very good. I am sure he will appreciate it."

Pinkie squealed with delight and grabbed the tray with her teeth. "Sho what do you need me fo'?" Pinkie said through the tray.

Luna couldn't help but smile at the pink pony's antics. "We are going to be visiting the alien right now. Bring the cupcakes if you want, maybe they will encourage him to be more of a conversationalist."

" 'ay!"

Luna brought Pinkie back to the warehouse where everypony stood waiting. Before, they had all been excited with the idea of meeting an alien. Now, after having been informed of Caulk's actions, they were all nervous of being in the same room as him with the exception of Rainbow Dash and Pinkie. Pinkie was ecstatic of the idea, for no other reason than that she was just being Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash, however, was wearing a determined look on her face. She apparently wanted to give Caulk a piece of her mind.

Celestia wasn't sure of whether or not she should let Rainbow yell at him, given his tendencies for violence.

"Now remember, girls," Celestia began, "this is not a being that has ever encountered our society or us to his. We cannot expect him to behave similarly to us for any reason. But be that as it may, he does have some similarities to us. You all remember Discord, correct?" Everypony nodded. "Right. He has a personality most similar to Discord's."

"Oooh! I liked Discord! He was funny!" Pinkie shouted after setting the tray of cupcakes down.

"Pinkie, he turned us all into the exact opposites of the Elements of Harmony!" Rainbow said. "If this guy's like Discord we should turn him into stone too!"

"Now, now, Rainbow. I understand your issues with him, but I only said that they share the same personality. Caulk's motives are much less malicious I assure you."

"'Caulk'?" Twilight asked, not having heard his name before.

"Ah, yes, the alien's name is Caulk. He calls his species 'Terran' and they have spread themselves to dozens of planets throughout the galaxy. They are apparently very technologically advanced. While his behavior contradicts it, he himself appears to be well educated."

"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by 'his behavior contradicts it'?" Rarity asked, picking up on this.

"What we mean is," Luna answered, "he is apparently fairly intelligent, but his behavior is... somewhat playful, and it is difficult to see past it."

"You will see what we mean soon enough," Celestia said, continuing off of Luna's statement. "Are you all ready?" They all nodded hesitantly. "Right this way, then."

Celestia guided the group past the rows of guards and approached the gap in the wall of crates. She looked around the corner of the gap and saw a bizarre sight. Caulk had apparently been pulling the crates out of the wall and examining their contents before putting them back, since the dust that had settled on them was brushed away. Caulk had one open crate against the wall, which apparently had contained a bean-bag chair. Since he was so large, Caulk was kicking it around like a hackey-sack. Seeing the massive alien doing something that required quite a bit of dexterity was... amusing, to say the least.

"Caulk?" Celestia said, trying to get his attention and trying not to laugh, "I have gotten everypony together."

Without halting his kicking the bean-bag chair, Caulk said plainly, "'Kay."

Celestia shrugged and gestured to the ponies behind her to go in. They filed into the room, Celestia in front and closely followed by Pinkie Pie. Caulk stopped kicking the bean-bag chair and put it back in its crate, which he then sat down next to, watching the ponies enter. He appeared to take special notice of Rainbow Dash and Spike.

When they were all in the room, Pinkie came trotting up to Caulk without any sense of danger, much to the visible horror of everypony else. Even when Caulk was sitting down, he was still twice as tall as the average pony. Seeing Pinkie walk up to him was like watching a rabbit approach a lion.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!" she said after putting the tray of cupcakes down in front of Caulk. "I made some cupcakes for you!"

Caulk reached down and picked up the tray of cupcakes with his thumb and forefinger. He brought it up to his face and examined the tray.

"'Welcome to Equestria'," he read, "Heh, cute. What kind of cupcakes are they?"

"Oh! There's one with chocolate one with vanilla one with strawberry filling one with custard one with-"

Applejack interrupted Pinkie with an accompanying face-hoof, "Pinkie, Ah don' think he would know what flavors those-"

"Which one's the chocolate one?" Caulk said, cutting Applejack off.

Pinkie giggled and said, "The one that I wrote on!"

"Awesome. I'll eat it later," he said, gently placing the tray on the ground next to him. He sat there, observing the ponies carefully, his rotating head the only thing giving away his cognition. "NOW!" he shouted, causing everypony to jump in surprise, "Whaddaya want?"

"Caulk, these are the ponies that woke you up. I expect you to at least be somewhat tactful," Celestia said with something of a chastising tone.

"Yes, Mum."

"Well, I guess we'd better get started then," Luna said, and began gesturing at each of the ponies as she introduced them. "This is my sister's personal student, Twilight Sparkle..."

"Uh, hello."

"Applejack..."

"Howdy."

"Rarity..."

"Er... Pleasure to make your acquaintance." Celestia noticed that Rarity was struggling not to gag when she looked at Caulk.

"Fluttershy..."

"Um... hello."

"Spike..."

"What's up?"

"Rainbow Dash and Captain Shining Armor, to both of whom I believe you owe an apology..."

Shining only gave Caulk a curt nod, which he returned, while Rainbow only gave him a harsh glare.

"And Pinkie Pie, whom you have already met."

Caulk looked at each of them intently, then, pointing to each of them in rapid succession, said, "Pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, purple talking dinosaur." He finished with his finger pointed at Spike. "I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised after everything I've seen."

Spike looked a bit indignant. "I'm not a dinosaur, whatever that is. I'm a dragon!"

Caulk straightened up in surprise. "Wait, seriously? Dude, that's fuckin' awesome. Can you really breathe fire?"

"Uh, yeah?" Spike said with confusion. To demonstrate, he sucked in as much air as he could and blew a small amount of green fire in front of him.

"Sweeeeeeeeet," went Caulk with admiration.

How does he know what dragons are? Celestia thought, He's never been to this world before. "Since we're all here to get better acquainted with you, perhaps we can start by asking you how you know about dragons."

Caulk shrugged his massive shoulders. "We have myths and stories about them. They're purely fictional to us, and each story's depiction of them is different."

"Y'all don't seem all that surprised 'bout it though," Applejack observed.

"Kid, I have been to Hell, had my body torn apart on an atomic level, put back together again, and thrown into a world filled with a bunch of talking ponies. Either this is a perfectly normal phenomenon and I have no reason to feel that way, or for some reason I've gotten used to it... which is kinda disturbing, really."

Luna coughed, drawing everyone's attention to her. "Before we get too far into this, I believe Caulk owes Captain Shining Armor and Rainbow Dash an apology."

Caulk grumbled and said, "My bad."

Shining looked as though he were about to say something, but in the end he just shrugged and let it go by. Rainbow Dash on the other hoof...

"Hay yeah it was your bad! Nopony ever laughs at me! Ponies don't call me the fastest flier in Equestria for nothing, you know! I earned this title!"

"... Okay?" Caulk said, not quite getting her point, "I said it was my bad. What more do you want?"

"Fifty bits and front row tickets to the next Wonderbolt show."

"I walk down the busiest street here like a chicken and publicly announce that I suck."

"Deal!" Rainbow stuck out her hoof to make the typical hoof-bump of agreement. Caulk just stared at it for a second before bumping Rainbow's hoof with his massive, armored fist. It was almost comical to see the size difference between Rainbow's hoof and Caulk's hand.

Looking back at the group clustered around him, Caulk said, "Now, where do you guys wanna start? I've got all the time in the world."

Surprisingly enough, Rarity was actually the first to say something. "Who designed your armor, may I ask? No offense, but it is rather... atrocious."

With a laugh, Caulk said, "What, this piece-o'-crap that I can't run in? Probably some engineering firm of which the drafting department was a hundred monkeys at a hundred computers."

"Seriously."

"Pffft... Killjoy. I dunno who specifically designed it, but it was made for the Confederate Marine Corps. That answer your question?"

Celestia chuckled when Twilight's hoof shot up. How predictable.

"Yes?" Caulk sounded impatient already.

"How did you get here to Equestria?" she asked.

"Uh... through a Warp Gate. Can't tell you much more than that," Caulk said sheepishly.

Twilight looked disappointed. "You don't know how it works?"

"It does something that involves a bunch of colored lights. Also, it hurts. Like... a lot."

Twilight just rolled her eyes.

Shining spoke up and asked, "So judging by your armor, would it be correct to assume that you are a soldier of some kind?"

After a brief moment of thought, Caulk said, "Technically I'm a marine. But to be more precise, I'm a firebat."

"... And what's a firebat?"

"We get to run around and use flamethrowers. I was a little miffed when I found out I didn't get to use the C-14's, but this is pretty cool too. Next question."

Applejack asked the next one. "What about you?"

"What about me? I'm just some grunt. No one special."

"Well, Ah mean, do y'all have any family, did ya go ta school or what?"

"School? Yes. Family? No." Caulk's answer was surprisingly curt. Perhaps something had happened to his family? Whatever the reason was, he was not saying anything.

Something he had said earlier after his prank with the... box had stuck in Celestia's mind. "What was that you mentioned about dressing up as 'Slender Man' earlier?"

"Oh. That," Caulk chuckled, "That was quite possibly the greatest prank I've ever pulled on someone. I'm a pretty tall guy so I could pull the look off really well. Basically, I wore a black suit and a red tie over a white morph-suit, and stood in a corner of the main hangar at our base. The first guy who saw me when he turned the light on must've shit a brick."

Rainbow and Pinkie laughed at that. Everypony else groaned at it.

"Great, now we've got three of them," Spike muttered.

"But who exactly is Slender Man?" Celestia said. She guessed as much that it was a prank but had no idea who 'Slender Man' was.

"Oh, it's just some fakelore-ish, paranormal thing from the early days of the internet. Not many people know anything about it anymore, but they still respond to it perfectly."

Since that was apparently all Caulk was willing to say on that subject, Twilight raised her hoof again.

"Yeessss...?"

"What about your species? What is it like?"

Caulk tilted his head to the side in confusion and said, "What do you mean, 'What's it like'?"

"Well you guys are called Terrans, right? I don't know, describe them."

"Alright then, prepare for information overload." Rapidly, he said, "Terrans first evolved about two million years ago on a planet called Earth, and achieved anatomical modernity about two hundred thousand years ago. Our average lifespan is about eighty years, but there have been some people as old as a hundred and fifty. We're omnivorous, and are at the top of the food chain in every planet that we have colonized. We only managed to achieve 'modern' technology about four hundred years ago, when everything started to become digital.

"None of us think alike. Every faction, subculture and individual is unique. So fortunately for the rest of my species, there's only one of me, but, heh, that might be a problem for you guys. Because of our differences, we have a tendency for infighting, and we often war with each other to the point where it's almost cultural. We have yet to encounter another species that we have not fought against."

Twilight struggled to process all the information Caulk put forth, and when she was done she asked, "So, there are other sentient species out there?"

"Yeah. Two others, that I'm aware of. And one more that's extinct, or so I'm told, there might be evidence out there that says otherwise. Anyway, the two other races that are out there are the Protoss and Zerg."

"You mentioned the Zerg earlier, but you were never very specific about them," Luna brought up.

"They're basically a collective intelligence, like an ant or bee colony. Everything they build is alive. Their workers can mutate into different types of stationary creatures that serve different functions. You've got hatcheries, spawning pools, spine and spore crawlers, and a bunch of other stuff. We firebats are basically meant to fight Zerg exclusively, since they don't exactly seem to like fire. On top of that, they have a bunch of different strains of creatures that they have modified and implanted their genetic code into their own, so their 'armies' can range from swarms of tiny Zerglings to building-sized Ultralisks. Zerg are like locusts; when there's just one, no big deal. But when there's a million? Yeah, they might be a bit of an issue. And believe me, there are way more than a million Zerg. Thing is, they're possessed by this idea that they need to consume and assimilate all life in the galaxy, so we find ourselves fighting them a lot."

Pointing to the three parallel gashes on his shoulder plate, he said, "I actually got this scratch mark here from fighting one of their Hydralisks. I thought it looked cool, so I kept it."

"So... they're like a bunch of evil ants?" Fluttershy managed to squeak out.

"In a nutshell? Yes, that's an excellent summary."

What a strange form of creature, Celestia thought after hearing Caulk's description of the Zerg. "And what of the Protoss? I believe you have yet to talk about them."

"The Protoss are like... the opposite of the Zerg. There aren't very many of them, but they're freakishly smart and technologically advanced. On top of that, they all have strong psionic powers, kinda like what you guys have. They have a lot of their own internal conflicts, so they don't come across us very frequently. When they do, it's not exactly to have a picnic. Not unless picnics involve fights to the death with guns and laser-swords, anyway. Heh, for all I know, that could actually be true with the 'Toss. Anyway, my point is that we don't get along very well. We do have a common enemy with the Zerg, though. I know that much at least."

Rainbow Dash cocked her head and asked, "What's psionics?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, you guys probably have a different word for it. It's basically your 'magic', or whatever." Caulk made air quotes with his index and middle finger when he said "magic."

"So you have three races that are all fighting each other, two of which have internal conflicts," Shining commented, "I can see where there might be some issues."

"Well, yeah, but there are a few documented cases of Terrans and Protoss teaming up to fight the Zerg when-" Caulk was cutoff by himself yawning loudly.

Luna laughed and said, "Tired?" to which Caulk simply nodded.

"I suppose it is rather late. Go ahead and get some sleep. We will wake you when it's time."

"Alright, I think it's time we let Caulk get some sleep," Celestia told the group. Everypony, especially Twilight, drooped when they were told they had to leave, but did not otherwise complain as they exited the room. Before Celestia left as the last one out, she turned back and laughed at Caulk. He was already lying on his back with his arms resting on his stomach. "Sleep well, Caulk."

"Snore."

VIII - Just Another Day at the Office

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

VIII - Just Another Day at the Office

__________

I love my job, I love the pay!

I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss, he is the best!

I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray, and piles of paper that grow each day.

I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers, I love their sneers, and leers, and jeers.

I love my computer and its software:

I hug it often though it won't care.

I love each program and every file.

I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am.

I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am.

I love this work, I love these chores,

I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.

Those friendly men who've come today,

In clean white coats to take me away!

~The Lost Dr Suess Poem

~~~

"I still think this is a bad idea."

"Yes, Luna, I heard you the first time."

"He's been willing to cooperate thus far, but only because he has no other choice. I doubt waking him up in the middle of the night will cause him to be very friendly, to say the least."

"This coming from the pony who tried to make the night last forever because ponies always slept during the night."

"A lot can change over the course of a thousand years, Celly."

"Mm-hm."

"Well if you are going to wake him up, at least do it in a less dramatic way!"

"Given everything he's put us through, I think he owes it up to us."

Luna just sighed. It seemed there was no way she was going to talk Celestia out of her little prank on Caulk. Fortunately, she at least had a good idea of what he would do. Luna kept up her charade of disapproval as Celestia silently approached Caulk's sleeping form. He was lying down on his side facing the entrance to his 'room', from which Celestia was approaching him. How Caulk managed to stay on his side in such an unbalanced suit of armor puzzled Luna to no end. She would have to ask him about it later. Once Celestia was about ten hooflengths away, she inhaled sharply so that she could deliver a particularly loud shout in the Royal Canterlot Voice. Unfortunately, that was as far as she got.

"WRAH!" Caulk yelled, causing Celestia to leap backwards thirty hooflengths where she landed on her plot, releasing her pent-up breath in a high pitched scream.

Luna and Caulk were rolling on the ground next to each other laughing themselves silly. When Celestia finally stopped screaming almost ten solid seconds since she began, a unicorn guardspony entered the room, glowering at Caulk with his horn glowing. A hint of confusion was present on his face when he saw Luna laughing next to Caulk.

"Is everything alright, Princess?" the guardspony asked without taking his eyes off Caulk.

Taking a second to catch her breath, Celestia said, "Yes... I think so. Return to your post."

The guardspony cast another slightly confused look Caulk's way before departing. Celestia's confusion rapidly turned to one of irritation when she realized what was implied when she saw Luna laughing with Caulk.

"You planned this out?" Celestia demanded, almost shouting at Luna. Luna simply nodded, unable to stop laughing to talk. Celestia sat and waited, patiently, for the two to calm down, which seemed like it would be a while.

Once the two finally managed to contain their mirth, Luna said with a smirk, "Remember all those pranks you and Philomena used to pull on me when we were foals? Consider us even now."

Celestia's jaw worked for a moment, obviously trying to think of a rebuttal. When none were forthcoming she shook her head and said to Caulk, "I suppose you are wondering why we woke you up so early in the morning?"

"Technically it was Luna that woke me up about five minutes ago. But yeah, you have thirty seconds to present a good argument as to why you woke me up before I punch you so hard you experience relativistic effects." Luna had a feeling that had they been able to see under Caulk's helmet, he would have been speaking through gritted teeth.

Not wasting any time, Luna quickly said, "You insisted yesterday that it was impossible for any single being to move a mass as large as the sun and moon. We decided that now would be an excellent opportunity to prove otherwise."

Before she was even done talking Caulk stood up and said, "Alright alright alright you've made your point. Lead the way."

Luna and Celestia shared a glance before they settled for simply shrugging and exiting the room with Caulk--and a group of ten guardsponies--in tow. As they worked their way out of the warehouse, Luna heard Caulk mutter under his breath, "Just how early is it?" before reaching up and tapping the side of his helmet twice. After a short pause he groaned, "Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me..." and fell silent.

"I take it you are not much of a morning pony?" Luna teased.

"What's 'morning'?"

"... I will take that as a no."

"Nah, I'm just messin' with you," Caulk said with a dismissive wave of his hand, "Back in boot camp we had to wake up before dawn every day, and I still get woken up someway or other by a very specific idiot on base. Although considering all the crap I put him through, I kinda deserve it."

When the group arrived at one of the warehouse's loading doors, the Princesses exited without a second thought. At least, not until they heard a loud THUNK! and saw Caulk on all fours trying to squeeze his way through the door muttering, "This is fucking bullshit!" Trying to withhold her laughter, Luna grabbed Caulk with her telekinesis and carefully pulled him out, wincing as his armor made deep gouges in the wood framing of the door. Caulk gave a curt nod of acknowledgement to Luna after pulling himself to his feet.

As it was so early, the vast majority of the ponies were still in bed, leaving the streets of Canterlot temporarily deserted. Reminding him to be quiet, the Princesses guided Caulk through the dark, empty streets to a large platform that was a popular place for tourists, as it gave an unobstructed view of the entire southern half of Equestria. Caulk whistled softly as he peeked over the edge and saw the five thousand hooflength drop to flat land.

As Caulk observed the darkness-obscured landscape before him, Luna began her process of lowering the moon, which was already close to the western horizon. Just as it disappeared from sight, the sun began to appear in the east, inundating the lands before them in its light.

Despite the grandeur of the sight, Caulk still seemed unimpressed.

"Okay, the sun came up. Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo. I've seen that thousands of times."

As much as Luna had expected Caulk to remain skeptical despite this demonstration, she still felt a flash of irritation run through her. She and Celestia had anticipated that he would remain unconvinced, so they had planned this whole thing out so that they would be able to raise and lower the sun and moon not only at such a time so that it would disturb few, but also so that they would be able to put them back into their previous locations, all without anypony losing any sleep.

Caulk watched, seemingly transfixed, as the sun changed direction and retreated behind the eastern horizon, once again shrouding the world in darkness. The instant the light from the sun was no longer visible, Caulk whirled around to face the opposite side of the landscape, from which the moon was already appearing. Once it stopped in its original place, Caulk continued to stare at it silently.

"What. The. Ass," Caulk said in utter disbelief.

"That," Celestia said, "was us proving to you that such a thing is possible."

"But that... You can't... Guh...," stammered Caulk, unable to come up with an intelligible response. At this point he had sat down on his rear with a loud CLUNK! with his massive fists clenched against his head. "How. I am trying to think of something that better describes my thoughts, but none of my ideas are better that 'How'."

"Magic," Luna said. She felt somewhat sheepish with the answer, but it was nothing short of the truth.

Caulk simply stared at her for a long moment before stating, "If anyone else had told me that something worked because of magic, I would have given them the stare of contempt. Now, I'm just going to give you the stare of confusion. I have no other way to possibly explain what just happened here. The Protoss and the Queen of Blades wouldn't have been able to do something like that, even if they were all working together. Normally, I would try to think of someway that would make this just a coincidence, but I've taken statistics classes. There was causation in that." After this, Caulk fell silent and settled for staring at the ground between his feet.

Luna and Celestia looked at each other with widened eyes. Neither had expected Caulk to accept this as a fact so quickly. "So... you believe us now?" Luna ventured to ask.

With a grumble Caulk said curtly, "I do not like admitting that I was wrong, but it's stupid to continue to believe something even after its been disproved."

Beaming, Luna said cheerily, "Well, then, now that that is out of the way, I assume you will be wanting to go back to sleep?"

"Yeah... But could you do me a favor?"

"Yes?"

"As much as I enjoyed pranking Celestia, don't wake me up. A sleep-deprived Caulk is an angry Caulk."

~~~

There were few things that Archie was truly afraid of. First and foremost on his list was an angry Colonel. It was at this moment that he had managed to not only anger the Colonel beyond measure, but make it so that the anger was directed at him. The Colonel had not looked highly upon Archie's decision to come to a truce with Imorin and her troops when he first explained it. Not only had the Colonel disapproved of it, but so had the marines under Archie's command with the death of the original captain. There had been many a foul word directed at Archie, and no matter how much he told himself that he had made the right choice, he could not help but regret his earlier decision.

What remained of Archie's squad and Imorin's equivalent had worked their way back to the subterranean base camp, and it was only through his insistence that the sentries did not open fire on the Protoss. Archie and Imorin had walked side-by-side while Aldarix and Davis had regarded each other with indifference, and behind them the rest of the marines and zealots had kept at least six meters away from each other and frequently cast glances of utter contempt across the gap.

When they had entered the base, they had found several platoons of marines pointing their rifles at them in the hangar with the fully armed and armored Colonel at the center. Archie had struggled to make his case to the Colonel, but as much as he felt he justified his actions he could not fight the sinking feeling that he was going to be court-martialled anyway. The Colonel had dismissed the rest of the marines in Archie's squad and insisted that the zealots remain in the hangar under the "supervision" of the guarding marines. Afterward, he had dragged Imorin and Archie to his office where he left them outside his door. The Colonel had then called the senior officers to discuss the situation privately, leaving Archie and Imorin outside where they could only guess at what was being discussed.

It was during this time that Archie had noticed Imorin bleeding profusely from a short, but deep, wound on her upper arm. Frustrated, he realized that he would have to be the one to stitch the gash together, as the medics on base had even less medical training than he had, and their laser scalpels were only programmed for treating Terrans. Groaning, he stood up and fetched a bright red first-aid kit from its place on the wall.

"What are you doing?" Imorin asked. She had apparently not noticed her injury amidst all the excitement and adrenaline. Archie wondered if the Protoss even had adrenaline.

Archie pointed to her arm and said, "You're bleeding. I'm going to need to stitch that cut so you might as well hold still. Unless, of course, you don't mind bleeding out."

Imorin looked almost surprised when she saw the cut on her arm. She glanced between the first-aid kit and Archie for a moment, then extended her arm in invitation for him to stitch it. Archie sat down on a bench next to her and removed the neo-steel exo-gloves so that he would not accidentally do more damage with their powerful grip. He actually had to scoot a bit closer because the lack of the gloves made Archie's arm that much shorter.

While he worked on disinfecting and sewing the cut, Archie took the opportunity to observe a Protoss up close. He found that they really did have two fingers and two thumbs with a claw on each, as he had been told, and that Imorin's skin was actually covered in pale blue scales that were about as small as those of a lizard. She had digitigrade legs that ended in two-toed feet. The blood Archie was working on stanching came out a dark blue, as opposed to the bright red that was shared by the Terrans and Zerg. Like Terrans, Archie found that Imorin, being female, had a much lighter build than that of her male counterparts. She had a bony crest extending backwards from the top of her head that vaguely reminded Archie of the xenomorph from Alien, although she lacked a nose and mouth instead of eyes, which glowed a bright blue.

Archie felt Imorin tense up each time he ran his needle through a stitch. He was careful to make sure that each time he sent the needle through her skin, that he did it quick and straight to keep her discomfort to a minimum. Before too long, Archie managed to completely sew Imorin's cut closed, but a small amount of blood continued to ooze out. He then wrapped her arm in a bandage to finish it off.

Examining his handiwork, Archie said, "Well, it should at least keep you from passing out from blood loss."

Imorin observed the dressing and said, "I would not have taken a warrior such as yourself as being proficient in medicine."

Archie shrugged. "That was one of the things we had to learn to do in officer candidate school."

No sooner had he said this did the Colonel's door swing open. The senior officers left the office and made their way back to their quarters, casting looks over their shoulder at Archie and Imorin. A soon as the last one left, the Colonel was standing in the doorway, still in his armor, with his arms crossed and visor up. The Colonel was an older man with graying hair, which was kept short to disguise a receding hair line. He had pale skin and dull, gray eyes, which were locked in a harsh scowl at Imorin.

"You two. In here. Now."

Archie and Imorin stood up without a word and followed the Colonel into his office, which proved to be an obstacle for Imorin as a result of her height. The Colonel and Imorin both sat down, behind and in front of the large steel desk, respectively. Archie decided to remain standing at attention, and was struck with a blow to his pride when he found that Imorin was as tall as he was even sitting down.

The Colonel looked between the two for a few seconds, then addressed Imorin. "I want to make sure that we are clear on one thing, Executor. I don't like you, but as long as you're willing to help us, I'm not going to complain." That said, he turned back to Archie. "Lieutenant, you sure as hell should know by now that I think you made a terrible decision." Archie's face fell. "Under the circumstances, however," the Colonel amended, "Rather than punishing you for this, I will instead applaud your actions. Had you continued fighting, I'm sure all of you would have been killed."

"Yet you have next to no anger for the loss of your subordinates?" Imorin interrupted.

"You obviously are unfamiliar with how we generate most of our troops. The vast majority of them are resocialized criminals. What would be better than cutting down prison and military costs to one small price tag?" It was obviously a rhetorical question, so Imorin remained silent. "Furthermore, Lieutenant, to show that I recognize your abilities as a commander, I am promoting you to First Lieutenant. Congratulations. I'll make sure to update your files."

"Thank you, sir."

"Considering how extensive your chains of command are, this promotion seems rather informal," Imorin commented.

This time it was Archie that responded. "Yeeaahh... We're, uh, not very big on paperwork out here." The Colonel simply nodded in agreement.

"The only thing all those forms are good for is helping the Dominion keep track of everything," the Colonel explained. "Thing is, none of us out here approve of Mengsk or the Dominion, but we would rather not go rogue. We'll do anything we can to hurt the Dominion's foundation, though we're pretty limited in what we can do. The most we can do is feign incompetence and 'forget' to send in a report and feed them false info. Also, we're all too damn lazy to type out twenty page reports, and even if it's unavoidable, we mostly just BS most of them.

"Going back to the matter of which we are all here in the first place, I think it's time to figure out what we're going to do with this underground warp gate terminal. I think it's safe to assume that Caulk went through one of them, but now we need to figure out which, and how we find him if we can figure out where he went."

"My cohort's high Templar was attempting to identify which warp gate had been used when your forces arrived. Given enough time, we believe we can do so. Finding Caulk will fall to you, as our technology's tracking systems are incompatible with yours," Imorin reminded the Colonel.

"Right, then, at least we can narrow it down to one planet at least, which doesn't really help much. Lieutenant, you majored in radio communications. Any ideas?"

Archie thought for a moment. "If we had powerful enough radios, there's a chance we may be able to triangulate his position, assuming he hasn't gone far, which I doubt he has."

"Why don't you think so?"

"Have you heard how he's always bitching and moaning like a female dog in heat about how hard it is to run in his armor?" Archie asked incredulously. "Besides, knowing him, he would probably be getting more hours of sleep in than there are in the time he's been gone."

The Colonel grinned. "Executor, we would appreciate it if you would assist and accompany myself and the Lieutenant on our endeavor."

"Of course," Imorin agreed.

"You're coming with us, sir?" Archie said with surprise. He hadn't expected the Colonel to actually get down and dirty now.

"I'm going to command Phi Squad personally, after we round up some more troops for it. You're not the only one who has a bone to pick with Caulk," he said with a malicious grin, "I've been his commanding officer since the day he went on active duty. I've been putting up with his insanity for fifteen years, Archie."

"... Good point, sir."

"YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass out of here and start finding places for the Executor and her men to bunk. We're heading out tomorrow."

"Sir, yes sir!" Archie shouted with a salute before turning on his heel and exiting the office, followed closely by Imorin.

After informing the marine guards that they were to release the remnants of Imorin's cohort, she informed them of what had transpired, or at least, that was what Archie thought she said; he was not familiar with the Protoss' language. Archie guided them to one of the now unused reaper bunk rooms, telling them, "Sorry about the squeeze." Since she was the equivalent of an admiral, Archie figured it would be more proper for Imorin to bunk in one of the officer's quarters. The quarters of the now dead captain of Phi Squad was the only one that Archie could think would be available, so he guided her through the passageways.

On the way to the room Archie piped up, "Hey, you know what I think?"

"Yes?"

"I think the reason Caulk got stationed here on this base with is was so that he wouldn't be able to do much damage, and he would have someone to supervise him."

Imorin cocked her head to the side. "Is he truly that dangerous a warrior?"

Archie shook his head. "No, it's more so that he possesses the unique ability to drive anyone insane. The little eccentricities the troops on this base have isn't the result of the isolation, although it might be a factor. It's all because of Caulk's hijinks."

"What does he do?"

"Elaborate pranks, mostly. But if you spend too much time around him, you get caught up in the bizarre universe that he lives in. I still remember when he and I were on leave together... God, that was both the greatest and worst time of my life."

"What happened?"

"The car that they had given us to drive around town started backfiring in the parking lot of my friend's apartment complex. It startled one of his neighbors cats so much that it had a heart attack and died on the spot."

Imorin laughed at that. Archie was not entirely sure that Protoss actually could laugh until then.

"Oh, but wait, it gets worse. Caulk felt guilty about having killed it so as we were driving he saw a stray cat on the side of the road and decided to pull over and catch it so he could give it to the neighbor. He brought it back to my friend's apartment where we were staying, and the damn thing went nuts and started scratching all of us like crazy. And before it made its way out of the apartment, it ate all of my friend's goldfish."

"So, what you are saying is that you are less concerned about Caulk's well-being, and more so about the psyche of those he contacts?"

"Pretty much. We've been keeping this up for a few months now. Keeping tabs on him is like herding lolcats. And honestly? This isn't the worst thing he's done."

"Like herding what?"

"Nothing."

--------A/N--------

Holy balls, sorry about the huge wait you guys. Some of you already know the reason why, but I still feel like such a jerk for keeping you all waiting so long. Without further ado, I, JeffNunchucks, hereby declare the hiatus on this story to be lifted!

If any of you listen to Car Talk, you might get that joke at the end with the car backfiring and giving the cat a heart attack.

Less than a month until the end of the world (but who's counting?). I hope you all have your street prophet stuff ready to go.

X - Don't Trust the Media

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

X - Don't Trust the Media

__________

Crap crap crap, red light bad! Caulk thought in a panic. If only I could figure out what the fuck it means!

The red light in question was a flashing line of text that read: "0 mL SSS REMAINING". Clearly, Caulk's suit had run out of a supply of some kind of chemical, but what that chemical might be he had no idea. He mulled over what "SSS" could possibly be an acronym for. He doubted it was anything related to trigonometric theorems, and he could not think of a chemical compound with a name that would be abbreviated as such.

As if aware of his confusion, Caulk heard the gravely voice from the suit.

*Alert: zero milliliters of Selective Sensory Suppressant remaining. Seek replenishment.*

Caulk blinked. "Selective Sensory Suppressant"? What the deuce is that? You'd think I would know what that is after wearing the six sixty for fifteen friggin' years!

No sooner had he thought this did Caulk's general feeling turn south. His tongue suddenly felt thick and fuzzy, and he became increasingly aware of his incredibly dry mouth and throat. He started to feel lightheaded and could barely see straight. Caulk had never felt this dehydrated in his entire life, not even when he was on the hothouse of Char.

Gah! Water! I need water!

Caulk looked around frantically while ignoring the crowd of ponies in the plaza, searching for a source of water. His eyes fell on the large fountain in the center. Without stopping to think he lumbered as quickly as he could to the fountain, causing the ponies to dive out of the way in panic. At his mental order a small device that resembled a rubber stopper with a hole in the middle popped out of the front of his helmet, and with it a plastic tube extended into Caulk's mouth. He reached behind his back into the crevice between the back plate of his armor and the apparatus that contained the two Perdition fuel tanks. With a sound akin to popping a champagne cork, he pulled out an ordinary, green garden hose that he had acquired for this sole purpose.

Without wasting any time, he jammed one end of the hose onto the rubber stopper and and plopped the other into the fountain. He immediately began sucking on the plastic tube in his mouth, and a few seconds later he felt the cool, refreshing water from the fountain spill down his throat. The water's taste was tainted by the rubber hose, but it was ignored completely as Caulk began greedily gulping down great amounts of water from the fountain. He never felt he would enjoy the taste of a drink other than vodka so much.

Caulk sat down on his rear, closing his eyes and ignoring anything anyone said to him--or about him, for that matter--as he drank the much needed water. Once his stomach started screaming at him that he could not take in any more he pulled the hose off the stopper, and it promptly retracted back into his helmet. Caulk still felt dehydrated, but it was no longer going to be life-threatening at the very least.

Opening his eyes, he found that the dense cluster of ponies encircling him had backed away slightly from him. Curious, he looked around him for an explanation, afraid for a moment that he had trampled a pony and splattered its... remains all over himself. Fortunately this had not happened, and Caulk breathed a sigh of relief when the reason turned out to be the presence of Celestia and the guard he recognized at Shining Armor.

For a moment, Caulk considered actually being courteous and giving them a salute. This moment was barely even recognized, as Caulk figured it would be out of character, especially for him.

Continuing to hold his hose in one hand and waving with the other, he said as casually as he could, "Hey, what's up? What brings you out here this fine... morning of um..."

"Tuesday," Shining Armor finished for him.

"Tuesday. Thank you."

Celestia just sighed. "Do you actually delight in making everypony's lives difficult?"

Upon hearing this, Caulk drooped. With a sigh, he dropped his typical lighthearted demeanor. "Sorry. I've been stationed on an ice cube for the past five months with only one two-day leave two months ago. I've been taking every chance I can to get some excitement."

"'Ice cube'?" Shining Armor echoed questioningly.

Caulk shrugged. That might as well have been what Braxis was, really. "Well not literally, obviously. Ice planet. You get my point."

"As much as I would love to hear about the places you have been," Celestia said, "I believe we should get you back to the warehouse."

Before Caulk could respond, Shining Armor cut in, "Which raises the question: 'How did you get out in the first place?'"

What was he talking about? Caulk had just walked out of the warehouse with no resistance from the guards. Maybe they were supposed to be keeping him in that room of crates?

"Ask them," he said, gesturing at the decaplet of pony guards that had been following him. After he said this, he wrapped his hose around his hand until it was coiled neatly, then jammed it back into its place on his backside.

The guards all looked away and shuffled their hooves nervously. As amusing as Caulk found their predicament, he sympathized with them. He had been yelled at more than a few times by the Colonel in his fifteen years of service. Oh, but that thing with the bouncy-balls was so worth those six hundred credits I spent at the toy store, not to mention the look on that cashier's face. Hehehe... Priceless.

Celestia gave Caulk a look with a meaning that said as clear as day: "Stop screwing around, get up, and follow me. NOW." Upon seeing this forceful gaze, Caulk went tense and sprang up to his feet at attention, startling everyone near him. Caulk was well known for his sense of humor, but he at least knew when to call it quits. This instance was one of them. He had seen Celestia move the flipping sun; that kind of thing warranted respect. Since he had seen the Princesses manipulate the sun and moon, his entire understanding of physics had been called into question. He was going to have to ask them more about this whole "magic" thing later. Thinking back to one of their earlier discussions, Caulk recalled that they mentioned something about multiple dimensions. Yeah, he was definitely going to need to ask later.

"Captain, I believe it is time to bring our friend back to his... temporary residence," Celestia said to Shining Armor without breaking her stern gaze with Caulk.

With a snort, Shining Armor said, "Yeah, and I think these guards should go back to the barracks and wait for me to get back. They'd better hope their résumés are decent by the time I'm through with them."

Oof. Sorry, broskis, Caulk thought sympathetically as he watched the guards' faces pale.

As the guards turned and left, Celestia and Shining Armor had turned to head back to the warehouse.

"Come, Caulk. My patience is beginning to wear thin."

Gah! Yes, ma'am!

With Caulk in tow, Celestia and Shining Armor began leading him out of the plaza in the direction he had originally come from; the ponies parting before Celestia like the Red Sea. The instant Caulk's foot hit the point where the plaza ended and the street began, did none other than Rainbow Dash come flying in and stopping less than two meters in front of Caulk's face, much to his surprise.

With a speed at which Caulk could barely understand, Rainbow Dash started stammering, "Where'd you go do you have any idea how freaked out I was when I got back to the warehouse and you weren't with me I must've looked around the whole city before I--"

Before she passed out from lack of air--or so Caulk thought might happen--Caulk coughed into his fist to silence her, then pointed down at Celestia and Shining Armor. Shining Armor had a look closer to confusion than anything else, but Celestia had fixed Rainbow Dash with a stern gaze. Upon seeing it, Rainbow Dash reacted similarly to the way Caulk did: wasting no time in jumping to a respectful position. While Caulk's was standing at attention, Rainbow Dash's was a low bow, which looked to him like the most unnatural position for a quadruped to be in.

"Rainbow Dash, was this all just Caulk carrying out his end of your bargain?" Celestia demanded. Caulk could have sworn she was smiling a bit.

"Y- Yes, Princess."

After a long moment of silence, Celestia surprised everyone present by beginning to giggle lightly, then a lot, then rolling over onto her back in maniacal laughter.

Okay, I know I'm the pot lecturing the kettle, but that's just unprofessional, Caulk thought as he watched Celestia cackling away.

"Do... you mean to tell me that Caulk actually walked around like a chicken, announced his... incompetence, and I missed it?" Celestia asked, struggling to catch her breath.

"Y- Yes."

Finally managing to regain her composure--although still grinning broadly--Celestia said, "I will forgive you entirely of this, Rainbow Dash, provided you agree to one condition: that you make sure I am here to watch whenever you make Caulk do something to degrade himself."

"Oh, COME ON!" Caulk roared. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Rainbow Dash's expression switch from fear to relief.

Shining Armor finally decided to speak up. "Fair's fair, guy. After everything you've put us through, it's only fair that we get to make some jabs at you now."

Caulk's jaw worked behind his helmet as he tried to come up with a good rebuttal. When he realized that Shining Armor was right, he crossed his arms--no small feat, given his degree of inflexibility in his suit--and started grumbling great obscenities under his breath.

Turning to Celestia, Shining Armor said, "Princess, I think now would be a good time for me to return to the barracks. I need to have a... 'discussion' with some of my guards." Celestia nodded in agreement, and so Shining Armor turned and walked steadily down the road in the direction of the barracks, or so Caulk assumed.

Taking on a stoic demeanor, Celestia looked around at the multitudes of ponies around them. With a pained smile she said, "I think that now would be as good a time as any to remove ourselves from the eyes of the public with haste."

"Uh... No offense, but I think it's kind of a long-"

Before Caulk could finish his sentence, Celestia's horn glowed a bright gold. With a resounding CRACK! and a flash of gold light, Celestia, Rainbow Dash and Caulk vanished from the street.

With a thunderous CRACK! the Princess, Rainbow Dash and Caulk materialized within Caulk's impromptu quarters, causing the guards outside to jump with a start.

"... Walk," Caulk finished his sentence from earlier. He seemed to sway on his feet for a moment before sticking his arm out and bracing himself against the nearest wall of boxes, which turned out to be surprisingly sturdy. Rainbow Dash, being a pegasus, was able to recover from the vertigo that teleportation brought quickly, though she did plant her hooves firmly on the floor.

Staring down at the two ponies, Caulk said, "Okay, the next time you do something like... that, warn me first. My suit's filters can't handle puke all that well, and believe me, I know very well what happens if you do."

Well that explains how he relieves himself from within that suit, Celestia thought. Amidst all the goings-on, that had, ironically, been one of the biggest questions running through her head.

Now though, with Caulk's less than subtle unveiling to the public, Celestia could already feel the hounding and pressure the media would be placing on her. Hopefully, she could get the real story in the newspapers before the tabloids could start making claims of "conspiracy" or "scandal" or whatnot.

Before that could happen, she was going to need to get as much information from Caulk as she could before the inevitable news press conference, preferably in private.

"Rainbow Dash, please go back to the rest of your friends. I wish to speak privately with Caulk."

With a snappy salute, Rainbow Dash shot off like an arrow through the large door, leaving Caulk and Celestia alone.

Caulk had sat down by now, and was leaning against the wall. His slackness in his limbs told Celestia that he was feeling down about the whole incident, and almost felt bad for him about it. He was oddly quiet for a moment, then broke the silence with, "Ah, Hell, you're probably gonna kill me now, aren't you?" He sounded tired and defeated when he said this, as though he wanted to get something over with.

Much as Celestia wanted to not have to deal with Caulk anymore, to kill him would have been going too far out of line, especially given his circumstances.

"No," Celestia sighed. "No, I am not going to kill you. I will ask, however, that you do not repeat this--or anything like it, for that matter--in the near future."

"I've no intent of going through that again."

"Then we are in agreement?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Celestia breathed a sigh of relief at that. Took a moment to add this to her store of knowledge about Caulk, she decided to briefly review her knowledge of him up until this point. His species was war-like and aggressive, of that there was no doubt, given his prior actions. He certainly reminded her of Discord, being playful, energetic and an absolute hoofful to deal with. Unlike Discord, however, he seemed to know the limits of other people, as he had just demonstrated in his willingness to cooperate.

"Tell me, Caulk, do you know what tabloids are?"

"I would see 'em in convenience stores and drug stores next to the cash register back in the Confederacy days. It's basically gossip, right? And if I remember right, it's mostly crap."

"Back in the Confederacy days" gave Celestia pause. "That is about the gist of it, yes. What did you mean by 'the Confederacy days'?"

"Ah, yes. The days of relatively free speech. Yeah, tabloids were pretty common then, but Mengsk's... paranoid about losing his power. He really brought the hammer down on the press and all that. All the 'news' is nowadays is just pro-Mengsk propaganda, or at least, whatever's not censored."

"That is horrible! Why would he do something like that?"

"Like I said, he's paranoid, or at least that's what I think. There could be some other reason, but I'm willing to bet against it... Anyway, we're getting off track. You were talking about tabloids?"

Celestia stood aghast at what Caulk had just told her. In all her and Luna's years, they had always been of the opinion that everypony should have the right to make their voice heard. That was why they held open court for the better part of the week. Criticism was a good thing! A nation could not improve unless there was input from the ponies living in it, that was just common sense.

"Heh. You alright there?" Caulk chuckled, having noticed Celestia's stunned expression.

She snapped herself back to alertness with a shake of her head. "Apologies. Yes, now, you may or may not be aware of this, but you were not perceived as being a true po- excuse me, person until you... carried out your deal with Rainbow Dash."

"Okay..."

Celestia began pacing the floor in front of Caulk, his strange, red eyes following her hoofsteps. "Now that your presence is known, ponies will begin reporting the incident on a considerably large scale."

"And not accurately," he added for her.

"Precisely. Now, I do not know of the tabloids where you come from, but here, they publish a new issue whenever something they consider 'important' occurs, unlike real news magazines."

Caulk rubbed his hands together, the metal palms making a grinding noise that sent chills down Celestia's spine. "So let me guess: you're going to try to get this all in the legit news to stop this thing before it completely fucks everything over."

"Exactly. I am going to need to call a press conference soon for that very reason, so I am going to need to wring you for information, if you don't mind. And please, watch your language, especially when there may be others listening."

"Sorry. Believe me when I say that Mengsk's censorship wasn't all that bad in that it got rid of capital gossip--that is a term, right? Problem is, now we hear about little Mengsk junior on the UNN all. The. Time. So yeah, whatever you need."

Celestia stopped pacing. The UNN must be some kind of magazine or newspaper, Celestia decided. "Good. Now, I imagine that the first thing the press is going to ask is 'why are you here?' 'Are you the first in an invasion force, or an expedition, or an attempt at first contact, or espionage'... They will want to know."

"As far as I know, Mengsk isn't organizing anything like that. But, uh, it's none of those, really. Long story short, I was patrolling around one of our bases on Braxis when I saw-"

"Braxis?" Celestia blurted, curiosity overcoming her manners.

"That's the ice planet I mentioned earlier," Caulk said with a wave of his hand. "It's almost as cold as Tyrador in the winter, only no hot cocoa for light-years around." He paused momentarily, possibly waiting for another interjection. "As I was saying, I saw something in this canyon we were all superstitious about and followed it underground to this really, really huge room filled with a couple hundred Warp Gates."

"What exactly are Warp Gates? I believe you mentioned one the other day."

"Two-way portals made by the Xel'Naga: a race of aliens from way back when that aren't around anymore."

So that was that device he was in front of when we found him, Celestia thought. I hope he is not too upset that it may be deactivated. She wanted to know what the Xel'naga were, but she decided that would be another discussion. "Ah, I see. You... may be disappointed to hear that the Gate on this side has appeared to be deactivated in that case."

Caulk tensed with a start, then his posture slumped. With a snort, he said, "Well, that sucks. I guess it would have been too much to ask for me to have an easy way back, huh?"

It was obviously rhetorical, so Celestia remained silent. Though, she was surprised at how well he managed to take that information.

"Anyway, back to the story. I saw that thing I was talking about go through one of the Warp Gates which apparently goes here. I didn't have any way to contact my base camp from underground so I ran back up to the surface. When I got there, one of Braxis' storms was blowing full force. If you've never seen a storm on Braxis, good. They make almost all forms of communication impossible, and the ones that would work I didn't have. You can't even be outside during one; you'll freeze to death in less than a minute if the snow doesn't shred you apart. And yes, I do actually mean snowflakes. Have you ever seen a half-meter-wide snowflake decapitate someone because the wind was blowing so hard? Let me tell ya, it ain't pretty."

Celestia cringed at his description of the storm. It suddenly made her want to pass a law that would require weather ponies to get rid of snow clouds during winter. "So then what happened?"

"Well, I was caught between three choices. I could either A, stay and starve, B, run out in the storm and end it, or C, go through that Warp Gate and have a small chance that whatever's on the other side wouldn't kill me. I think you know which one I chose."

"So that... thing you followed is here in Equestria?" Celestia asked, concerned that she had only found Caulk at the scene.

"Did you see it when you found me?"

"No. Do you know what it is?"

"Chances are, it's probably still here. I hate to sound melodramatic, but, uh, watch the skies. It wasn't Terran, Zerg or Protoss so it's a complete unknown to me. Best I can tell you is that it's an alien we've never encountered before. I've no idea what its goals are."

There was never something before that had given Celestia such pause as an unknown factor. They were unpredictable in all senses, and this was no exception. She hoped it was benign, as Caulk was, but she could not rule out that it may be of a level hostility she could not comprehend.

She tried to think of something else the press might ask, but she felt she needed to hurry and call the meeting. The thought of tabloids getting something out first terrified Celestia.

"I understand you may have hesitations about discussing it, but who are you?"

"Caulk?" he tried. Celestia simply fixed him with a stern gaze. "I'm not getting out of this am I?" She shook her head. "Damn... Fine. But don't judge me by the company I keep when you hear about them."

"I should think that others would say the same when referring to you."

"Hey, shut up. We're talkin' about me here!"

Celestia snickered to herself. "I'm sorry, go ahead. You could start with your military career I suppose."

Caulk raised his finger as though he was about to make a remark but stopped. He put it back down and said, "The most important thing to know about me is that my military career, my academic career or the lack of it, and the reason I'm reluctant to talk about my family is one big story. So just... bear with me.

"I was born thirty-five years ago in 2473 on Tyrador VIII. I never knew my mother, apparently she died in childbirth. My father was a man named Emil Narud, an incredibly respected member of the science community with about eight doctorates and head of the Moebius Foundation: the most wealthy and esteemed scientific research corporation in the entire Koprulu Sector."

"Koprulu Sector?"

"Just our name for the little corner of the galaxy that we Terrans inhabit. Anyway, you can kind of see where I may have had quite a bit to live up to." Caulk paused and let out a long sigh before continuing. "My father, being as rich as a Saudi prince, altered me before I was even born. He genetically engineered me to, literally, stand out in a crowd, among other things."

At this he reached behind his back and, with a pop, pulled out a metal measuring-stick that appeared to be collapsible into thirds. With a flick of his wrist, it snapped open to its full length, and Caulk placed it in front of her so that it was straight up and down with one end in the ground. The top of the stick went about to the middle of her chest.

"This is one meter. Average height for a Terran male is about one point eight meters. I'm over two point two." Celestia's eyes widened. Caulk must have utterly towered over other Terrans. He folded the meter stick and placed it behind is back where it stuck with a chk. "Yes, I know I'm about three meters when you look at me, but that's because of the suit.

"That's just one of my 'gifts'. The other one that stands out in me is my tolerance for alcohol. I should have died from cirrhosis ten years ago from how much I drink, but the doctors told me that my liver's still as good as new. I'm not an alcoholic mind you, I just really love the taste of vodka.

"So, I grew up, attending the most prestigious schools on Tyrador. Who sends a preschooler to a private school? I mean, like, seriously? Overkill much? When I went to college at eighteen, it was at the single most prestigious university in the entire sector. I was planning on double majoring in computer science and physics but... you guys know what computers are, right?"

Computers were not a prominent part of Equestrian culture, but there were arcades in Canterlot, and even one in Ponyville. "They are not as big here as they may be for you, but yes."

"Right, so, I was actually top of my computer science courses. I became a really good hacker after a while. In fact, I was even able to get into the Confederate databases through the internet. Heh. Guess what I found there? A complete archive of the entire internet from the early twenty-first century. That's where most of my... eccentricities come from, I suppose."

"What is the internet?" Celestia asked, "You mentioned it once before"

"Wow, that's a hard question. It's basically a network of computers that nowadays spreads across the entire sector. It's highly censored by Mengsk at this point, but it wasn't so bad during the Confederate years.

"My physics classes on the other hand... well... to say the least I started slipping in that class. It wasn't a problem really, until we got into theoretical physics. Good lord that shit's confusing. So, by this time I was two years into college, nineteen years old, basically. I decided (in hindsight this was a really bad idea) to hack into the school's computers and change my transcripts for that class.

"For a while, it seemed like I had pulled it off. But it wasn't until the summer after my second year that they apparently found some aberrations in the matrix for my transcripts. In short, I got caught and expelled for cheating. Boy, was Dad pissed. Here's something to know about my Dad: he has very powerful psionic powers. Were it not for the fact that I was twice his size and mastered three different martial arts, he probably would've succeeded in killing me."

"He tried to kill you!?" Celestia screeched in shock. That was horrible! How could a stallion do that to anypony, let alone their own foal?

"Ow! Not so loud! You'll make my ears bleed or something, I don't know, I studied CS and physics not bio and anatomy!"

"But does that not bother you?"

"Well, yeah, it did at the time, but it's been fifteen years! I've had plenty of time to come to terms with it." Caulk paused for a moment. "So after he removed me from his will and the entire family's genealogy, I was left on my own. I had an entire sector do stuff in and I had all this stuff I'd learned to do stuff. Here was the problem: I had been to court on trial for 'attempted murder' before this, so almost no place would hire me. Dad bailed me out each time though, mainly because he thought the stuff I did was hilarious."

"What did you do?" Celestia dared to ask.

"I'll tell you one story and that should give you a general idea. One of our holidays, at least, before Mengsk tore it down, was Halloween. It's difficult to summarize the entire holiday, but one of the traditions is making jack-o'-lanterns. For years I had carved these really kick-ass pumpkins and put them outside our house and every year some kids would smash it. After the first few times this had happened, I learned that it was always the same kids. When I was a little older, I decided to try and get back at them. I remember I had just hollowed out a pumpkin, no carvings or anything. After I had put it outside, I started mixing nitroglycerin inside of it the way Dad taught me. When I finished I put a note next to it that said: 'Pumpkin treated with nitroglycerin for chest pains. Do not smash.' The pumpkin wasn't gone, it was everywhere the next morning. Dad had laughed, saying that I was doing the gene pool a favor. Kind of a dick thing to say, now that I think about it."

At this point, Celestia's opinion of Caulk had dropped tenfold. "I think putting dynamite in a pumpkin is a 'dick thing to do'. Small wonder you were jailed."

"Hey, I wasn't trying to kill them, I just wanted to teach them a lesson. And they were fine, miraculously, so what's the big deal? Hell, even the judge was laughing his ass off! Yes, I realize you probably hate my guts for that, but hey, things have changed in the past seventeen years.

"Anyway, I couldn't find a place that would accept me after that. I eventually settled on volunteering for the Confederate Marine Corps, which when I joined... I don't know, something just clicked. It just felt right, like this was where I was meant to belong. In case you're a little confused, the bulk of our military, Confederacy and Dominion alike, is composed of resocialized criminals. Heh, I still remember the oath. 'I solemnly affirm my duty to support and defend the planets of the Terran Confederacy against all enemies, interstellar and domestic. I further affirm that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same and that I will strike against any and all threats to the continued progress of mankind in this sector'.

"After I breezed through basic like it was nobody's business, the Corps put me in Phi Squadron. The military back then was divided into a few massive units we called 'Squadrons'. General Duke was in charge of Alpha Squadron, and then there was Delta Squadron, Epsilon Squadron and so on. Each Squadron played a unique role. Alpha was advanced tactical strike ops while Epsilon was mostly border surveillance. But Phi Squadron? We were the elites. We were kept out of the public eye as much as possible, unless you were in a region we were fighting in, you never saw nor heard of us. That secrecy was part our greatest advantage. We were given the latest and greatest tech available, and we wiped the floor with it. As coincidence would have it, 'Phi' is the representative symbol for the Golden Ratio. Kinda fitting, seeing as how our strategies and tactics were flawlessly calculated.

"We won countless skirmishes against the Kel-Morian Combine and the Umojan Protectorate. But... during the First Great War eight years ago, we were disbanded by Mengsk after he came to power. Still not sure why, really. Individual platoons stayed together for a while, but they didn't last long.

"By the Second Great War four years later, Phi Squadron wasn't even a rumor. Fortunately, I made lots of connections to people that I'd met in those seven years of being in Phi. Don't be fooled, but the vast majority of the Koprulu Sector knows the name 'Caulk'. At least with other Terrans, I tend to be pretty damn charismatic and influential. I even met Mengsk once. Heh. We have... conflicting ideologies to say the least. I was in favor of creating a democratic republic, while he was in favor of his 'benevolent despotism', which is shit. So out of fear of me getting that idea into peoples' heads, he sent me off to Braxis to keep me isolated, and... well... the rest is history."

Celestia had already begun to amend her opinion of Caulk. An establishment of a democratic government would definitely help in earning somepony some favors. She was still perturbed by the part with the pumpkin, but she was convinced by now that he'd had a significant change of heart in the years that followed. "It seems you have already lived a full life," she observed.

"I have indeed."

There was still one question she had to ask.

"Why exactly were you drinking out of the fountain of all things?"

"I was, uh... thirsty?"

At that, Celestia and Caulk shared a laugh for the first time that day.

~~~

With the disappearance of the Royal Guards, Celestia, Rainbow Dash, and the enormous metal creature, the ponies of Canterlot that had been present stood silent and dumbstruck. Nopony had any clue just what exactly had just transpired.

Amidst the silence, a gray mare with a dark gray mane and treble clef cutie mark stood up on her hind legs and shouted:

"What the hay just happened!?"

XI - Rekindling the Expedition

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

XI - Rekindling the Expedition

__________

"What happened, Aldarix, why did they suddenly turn on each other?" Imorin asked, not actually expecting much of an answer. She was pacing back and forth across her small office on board her flagship super carrier impatiently while Aldarix sat watching her. Most carriers were not built with quarters such as this, as they only ever had quarters for the commander and crew, which was not usually very large. Super carriers were exceptions. Being several times larger that an ordinary carrier, which was by no means a small vessel, they had more than enough space within for more comfortable quartering.

"I am afraid I cannot give you a definite answer, as their minds were closed to me for the duration of the journey," Aldarix said. He leaned forward with his hands braced against his knees. "If I had to guess, I would say they could not control their own emotions."

"But why?"

"Our relations with the Terrans have never been optimal, Executor--"

"That goes without saying," Imorin interrupted.

"--But some of us, myself included, have fought with them personally. I fought alongside this particular cohort on the Terran world of Tarsonis, 'New Gettysburg', I believe the city was called. We saw firsthand the kinds of atrocities the Terrans were willing to commit against us and each other, and none of us were left with good impressions of them. Their new emperor had not only baited the Zerg to Tarsonis, he actively protected them from us! There is a fine line separating genius and insanity, and the Terrans seem to be walking it quite expertly."

Imorin thought for a moment. If the zealots were so twisted by the encounter Aldarix described, it would not explain why he himself was not warped in the same way.

"But of course you in your infinite wisdom were able to resist the temptation of hate?" Imorin remarked with a touch of sarcasm. She was still in a sour mood as a result of the conflict which she had truly hoped to avoid.

Aldarix rolled his eyes, a motion that Terrans and several other races would not notice due to the Protoss' monochromatic eyes. "Mind you, I do not like the Terrans myself, but I at least recognize that this emperor is an outlier. I highly doubt that all Terrans would do such things, and our experience with the Terran James Raynor is proof of this."

Imorin stared blankly at him for a long moment. "... Who?"

Now Aldarix did the traditional Terran response whenever they hear someone say something so ignorant or stupid it defies prediction: the facepalm. "How can you not know? The man who aided us in our flight from Aiur to Shakuras? The man who purged the Zerg infestation on the Terran colony of Haven? The man who defeated the Queen of Blades?"

"You are aware that I am from Shakuras? We have not had contact with Aiur for thousands of years, so do not expect us to care much about your 'heroes'."

Aldarix seemed taken aback by her response. "You are a Nerazim?" Imorin simply stared at him incredulously, amazed that he had yet to figure out his own commander's ethnicity. "Yes, well, I suppose I lose all rights to criticize your lack of knowledge on this subject, do I? I suppose this would explain why you were able to achieve Executor at such a young age, seeing as how the Conclave does not allow women to--"

"Focus, Aldarix," Imorin snapped. "Are you sure you are not becoming senile?"

At this Aldarix scoffed, "I may be old, but I am not that old yet!" He gave a brief pause to gather his thoughts. "You must surely have heard about Executor Selendis' encounter with James Raynor on Haven, and how he assisted in purging the Zerg infestation there."

Ah yes, now she remembered. Truth be told, Imorin typically tried to deliberately forget most of what Selendis said. Selendis had been born and raised in the Khalai Protoss, the dominant Protoss faction up until the end of the First Great War, and had been the personal student and immediate subordinate to High Executor Artanis. To most Protoss, she was to be greatly respected and honored, even among the Nerazim. To Imorin, however, who had unfortunately gotten to know her personally, she was not much more than an over-glorified suck-up to Artanis, as the Terrans would say.

Imorin had not even met Selendis until the First Great War, and had rapidly developed a distaste for her, her subordinates, and... well, everything left over from the Khalai, which was quite a lot. Most Nerazim--Imorin especially--had looked upon the Khalai and the Conclave governing body with profound distrust. The split between the two factions had occured following the Aeon of Strife about three thousand years prior, with the Khalai originally a religious group that would rapidly become the dominant faction. The Nerazim had refused to convert, and were thus banished from their homeworld of Aiur to the shadowy world of Shakuras, where they successfully avoided contact for thousands of years.

The rift between the Khalai and the Nerazim was not only in politics, but also in ideology, which may have been the cause of the schism in the first place. One such ideology was that the Conclave, the ruling body of the Khalai, refused to allow female Protoss into positions of authority, with very few exceptions. In addition, they were extremely conservative in their policies and culture. The Nerazim, on the opposite end of the spectrum, were far more liberal. Ironically, their banishment exile from Aiur allowed them to create a free society in which individuals were allowed to do as they wished, and, more importantly to Imorin, women were actually allowed to take leadership roles. She had always found it amusing how even the Terrans had achieved gender equality hundreds of years before the Khalai, no matter how much they were looked down upon as inferior.

It was only until the First Great War that the Khalai and Nerazim had been reunited to form the Daelaam, though it was more so out of necessity for ensuring their species' survival against the Zerg swarms. The two powers had been forced to combine their forces, which raised disputes on both sides. Imorin had already reached the position of Executor only a few years before the First Great War, though it was under a different title which she had to abandon in favor of the Khalai ranking system following reunification.

This system had its pros and cons. On the upside, Imorin now had to worry less about access to resources and other hardware. On the downside, she now had many former Khalai warriors in her service, and she found them to be mostly unpleasant to work with, Aldarix as an exception... most of the time. At times his age started to show more than others.

Also, she had to collaborate with Selendis, which was a very good test of one's temperament.

Imorin sighed internally. "Unfortunately yes, I do know what you are talking about. Why did you remind me of this? You know I hate the very thought of listening to Selendis." In her best impression of Selendis, Imorin began making (mis)quotes of hers, "'Fire is the only cure!' 'It was such an honor to be assisted by one of the heroes of Aiur!'" She paused, shaking her head at how much Selendis made her hate having been born Protoss. "But yes, I do see your point. Not all Terrans are bad. Always exceptions. Never say never, do not always say always, usually say usually, blah, blah--"

"As I was saying, those zealots were too shortsighted to understand that and that is why they attacked, or so my theory goes," Aldarix interjected before Imorin could rattle off more childish remarks.

The two were silent for a moment.

"I suppose the only way to get the truth would be to interrogate them personally," Imorin mused. "But now, I really do not care. They are not, however, going to be in my cohort, so I will need to gather a new one soon enough. For now, we have the matter of these warp gates to deal with."

Aldarix straightened in his seat and nodded. "That is quite the question, is it not?"

"I am at a loss now," Said Imorin after giving to thought. "Seeing as how well the last surface... exploration went, I am reluctant to do so again. Yet we cannot not do anything."

"It is a dilemma," the old Protoss agreed.

"Are you going to give me any suggestions or are you just going to keep agreeing with me?" Imorin said impatiently. Aldarix was one of her most valued advisors, but he did have his off moments.

"I am afraid not. I can, however, say that I am personally curious as to where some of these Warp Gates lead to," said Aldarix.

"What, you want to go back down? After we were almost killed?"

"Not without taking precautions, of course..."

"... And you are sure we can do this?" Imorin asked, examining the dismantled pair of observer drones laid out on the hangar floor. These older drones were dull yellow, metal things that looked to be more of Terran make than Protoss. The front of its hull was a wide, bulbous ellipsoid with a short cylindrical protrusion sticking out of one end. The cylinder had three stubby wing-shaped antennae sticking out, giving the drone a harmless, almost cute appearance. If one were to stand it on its end, it would probably be about as tall as an average Protoss.

"Of course!" Aldarix said with a laugh. "These models are already obsolete and are to be recycled, and what better way to recycle them that to repurpose what is already there?"

Imorin reached into the pile of mechanical parts and pulled out one of two small, black boxes that were the focal point of their discussion. "I am more so concerned about whether or not we can keep power supplied to these for long enough to reach the Gates."

Aldarix scratched the back of his head. "Yes, well, these older cloaking systems were not as efficient, so this may pose a problem. We will have to be conservative in their use."

"How long will we have before their power supplies fail?"

"No more than two hours, if memory serves correctly. The design has not been changed in a very long time."

"How long?"

This proved a poser for Aldarix, who began thoughtfully stroking his long goatee. "Since before I was born." Imorin was surprised by this. While the Protoss did not need to update their technology as much as the Terrans seemed to, they still were constantly testing and developing new designs. "The design has worked for almost a thousand years! We never needed to change anything!"

"Very well, let us see if we can connect these to our armor then."

After many tried and failed attempts to find a way to connect the cloaking devices to the golden armor that the Protoss typically wore, Aldarix finally reasoned that as long as the devices were in contact with them they would work. They eventually settled for taking lengths of cloth strips and strapping them to the sides of their hips. Aldarix's long robes hid his quite nicely, but Imorin was rather upset at having to have such an ugly piece of machinery on her side.

"I do wish I were not required to wear this ridiculous armor in order to be Executor," she complained. "Before reunification the robes we Nerazim wore had plenty of pockets and straps."

"HA!" Aldarix barked. "Those 'robes' had more holes than rags!"

"They were symbols of our freedom and independence," she said, turning her chin up at him.

"Not to mention your promiscuity."

"What I do on my own time is none of your business."

"And thus my suspicions are laid to rest."

"You are a dirty old man, do you realize that?" Imorin said. She could feel her blood rising to her face at this point, partly out of embarrassment and partly because of anger.

"You have yet to see my true potential," Aldarix snidely remarked as he turned and walked away from the disassembled observers and towards their shuttle.

Imorin mentally slapped herself upon a sudden realization. "Why did we not think of these cloaking devices before we went to the surface last time?" Imorin asked no one in particular.

Aldarix paused and looked back at Imorin. With a chuckle and continuing his walk to the shuttle he said, "Do not berate yourself too heavily now; we all have days like that where nothing seems to go according to plan. Now come! We waste time! And be sure we did not forget to bring the psi transmitter!"

"Need I remind you that I am the one in command!?" Imorin shouted indignantly. Does he take me for a fool? of course I remembered the... the... Imorin began patting the place where the transmitter had been attached to her armor, but found it was not there. Looking around, she saw the narrow cylinder on the ground next to one of the dismantled observers. Once she was sure Aldarix could not see her from within the shuttle she snatched it from the ground and tied a piece of cord through a small ring on one end of it and hung it around her neck like a necklace. I am nobody's fool!

The shuttle dropped the pair off at the top of the cliff near the Warp Gate cave's entrance, where they would be safe from prying eyes and they could still observe the situation. There were no Terrans or any other creatures of significance within the chasm itself, but it was impossible to know if anything or anyone was within the tunnel.

This situation of uncertainty was the exact reason the two Protoss had chosen to bring salvaged cloaking devices with them. Before making their way down, they turned the fields on, and Imorin watched with fascination as she and Aldarix literally became invisible, save for a blue shimmer that only they could see through the psionic link they made sure to keep.

Imorin steadily crawled down the cliff feet first. The cliff had plenty of handholds and outcroppings, so the descent was easy. At least, it was until she got to the point were she could not even see the rock she was hanging on to. She made a few more fumbling progressions down before she suddenly lost her grip and plummeted downwards. Her life flashed before her eyes, somehow managing to cover the entirety of it before she hit the ground on her rear half a meter below the point she fell from.

"Ta-da!" Aldarix sang as he levitated himself gently to the floor. "Are you quite finished playing in the sand, child?" he said as he leaned over Imorin, who still had yet to sit up.

"Show-off," she remarked.

After picking herself up off the ground Imorin activated the blue psi blade on her right arm--the only one that had a psi blade--and held it up like a lantern. The light from the blade bathed the area around them in a dim blue light for a short radius, but it was enough for the two to see where they were going. If one were to look at them now, they would see an odd sight indeed. All that would be visible to potential onlookers was a long, narrow shaft of ethereal blue light bobbing up and down as it moved towards the tunnel.

Just as Imorin and Aldarix reached the mouth of the tunnel they noticed another pair of bobbing lights coming from partway down, though these were white and seemed to be intended solely for allowing vision. Imorin quickly realized that this must be the two remaining Terrans from the disaster earlier that day. Before they could see her psi blade Imorin turned it off, and she and Aldarix both dove (literally) behind a rock to avoid detection.

The Terrans appeared to be arguing over something, or someone.

"... Trust me, if you had to work with the kinds of sorry excuses we have for grunts on a day-to-day basis around here after having worked with Phi Squadron, you'd be pretty short tempered and spiteful yourself," said the Terran Imorin recognized as the Colonel. He seemed to be criticizing the other Terran, Stuart Archer she assumed, on having been of the wrong opinion of someone.

"I'm not arguing with that, sir, I'm saying that he's--"

"That he's what, son?"

"Well... he's a dick!" Archer said, apparently not being able to come up with a decent insult.

The Colonel laughed at that. "Ha! Well so am I and half the other officers on our base! Get used to it, son, nothin's changin' for a while."

"Yes sir..."

The Terrans fell silent after that, and continued walking past the two Protoss, who were still hiding behind their rock. Once Imorin was sure there was no way they would be seen or heard, they crept out and she reactivated her psi blade.

"Who do you suppose they were speaking of?" Imorin asked out of curiosity as they began working their way down the steep tunnel.

"Who knows? It could be any of the Terrans here, judging by what their Colonel said."

Once they reached the bottom of the ramp and the massive hall of Warp Gates illuminated itself upon sensing their arrival, Imorin switched off both her psi blade and cloaking device. Neither were necessary, as there was plenty of light and no souls were in sight.

The place had not changed since their last visit, though she did notice that the dead Terrans had been dragged so that they laid on their backs almost shoulder to shoulder, still fully armored. The significance of this eluded Imorin, but if she had to guess, it would most likely be that it was a gesture of respect for the dead Terrans. It was then that something clicked into place in Imorin's mind: only the Colonel and Archer had returned, and the only Terrans that were lined up were marines and the one remaining marauder warrior. Looking down the hall, she found that they had done the same with the reapers, marines and marauders from the battle the day before. Again, however, that was all there was.

And yet, the ghost warrior is not among the dead, nor the alive from what we saw, she thought. "Aldarix! Be on your guard! I believe there is still one remaining among us."

"Of what class of warrior is it?"

"A Terran ghost I believe."

"Hmmm... If worse comes to worse, I believe we can manage him. For now, we must decide which of these Warp Gates to go through." Aldarix sounded almost excited about this and was looking around like a child in a toy store.

"... The ghost does not bother you?"

"Should it?"

"Yes..."

"Ah, well."

"Are you sure you are not becoming senile?"

"Almost definitely!"

Wonderful, Imorin thought bitterly. When Aldarix was excited about something, no force in the galaxy could dissuade him from it. "At the very least allow me to choose which one."

Aldarix seemed upset by this. He crossed his arms and grumbled, "Very well. If it helps your decision-making process I have good feelings about this particular--"

Before he could finish his "suggestion" Imorin cut in, "What of the Warp Gate we were searching for with the Terrans? Did you ever determine which one?"

Aldarix suddenly seemed perturbed and he looked at her askance. "Yes, I did. But are you sure that is a wise decision? Who knows what remains on the other side, save an elite Terran warrior who I fear we may not be able to defeat in combat?"

"Well then, I choose that one. Unless of course, you are afraid of a little adventure," she challenged. Imorin had learned just how and where to press Aldarix's buttons. Oddly enough, he had still not outgrown his love of adventure and suspense from his childhood, and Imorin knew it. She almost felt bad for manipulating him so, but if Imorin knew him well enough...

"Follow me," Aldarix said, and walked briskly down the corridor with Imorin in tow.

Imorin began to wonder just how far back the Warp Gate was when Aldarix suddenly stopped in front of her, causing her to crash into him and fall to the ground.

"What is it with you and falling down today?" Aldarix laughed as Imorin stood up and brushed herself off.

Ignoring him, Imorin observed the Warp Gate. It looked no different than all the rest. It was the same size, same shape, and same color. Were it not for her prior knowledge, she never would have guessed that these Warp Gates were two-way portals to completely different worlds.

"Do you know how to activate it?" Imorin asked, not seeing any displays or controls of any sort on the Warp Gate.

"Of course!" Aldarix laughed. A wave of his hand and a blue aura of psionic usage later, the Warp Gate activated, filling its ring with an almost liquid-like field of white light.

"... How... ?" Imorin asked in wonder at how Aldarix had done this.

"Hm? Ah, the button is on the backside," he said as though it were the most obvious thing in the galaxy.

From somewhere behind them, Imorin thought she heard someone smack something. She shrugged and ignored it, and directed her attention back to the glowing portal.

"Shall we?" Aldarix said.

"Finally, an opportunity to get away from this place!" she laughed as she practically ran into the Warp Gate with Aldarix not far behind.

~~~

Davis poked his head out from behind his Warp Gate to spy on the two Protoss that had just arrived not long after Archer and the Colonel had left. He recognized them from earlier that day, and was curious as to what brought them back down. While he was too far away to entirely make out what they were saying, he could tell by their gestures that they seemed to be concerned about something. They had probably noticed that he was not among the bodies, so Davis thought it would be best if he remained hidden.

The Protoss seemed to be arguing over something. All Davis could make out was that the odd, female Protoss wanted to go through the Warp Gate they were attempting to find earlier that day. For a moment there was a pause in their discussion, but then the High Templar began walking quickly down the right side of the hall with the other Protoss close behind, apparently having decided to go with the female Protoss' decision.

They quickly passed his Warp Gate. Davis waited until they were about a hundred meters down until he started following them, keeping to the shadows and darting behind the Warp Gates for cover. They were almost at the end when the High Templar stopped abruptly, causing the other Protoss to crash into him and fall over. Davis had to stifle a laugh at that, but he was not totally successful as it came out as a snort. Fortunately, they did not hear it, or at least they paid it no heed.

He was still trying to catch up to the Protoss (those suckers walk fast!), so he missed most of what they said. As soon as he arrived at the Warp Gate directly behind them, the High Templar waved his hand and the opposite Warp Gate suddenly blazed to life.

What the hell! Davis thought. I've been trying to figure out how these things work this whole time!

His thoughts were echoed by the odd, female Protoss--who Davis was now close enough to hear properly--who simply said "... How...?"

The High Templar seemed to take this in stride. "Hm? Ah, the button is on the backside."

What?

Davis managed to draw his attention away from the Protoss long enough to look at the back side of the Warp Gate he was hiding behind. Sure enough, right at eye level was a big, glowing blue circle the size of his head. How could he have missed a button? He smacked himself in the face for having been thinking of methods that were too complicated. Of course the Xel'Naga would make something so simple, laziness is the mother of invention! They never would have achieved their level of greatness if they overcomplicated things now, would they? Of course not!

When Davis looked back at the Protoss, they were gone, finally leaving him truly alone.

Let's see... to follow or not to follow?

Follow them!

No, they'll know I'm there.

Wait a while?

Sure, let's go with that.

Don't worry, big guy! I'ma comin' for ya!

XII - Big Game Hunters

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

XII - Big Game Hunters

__________

Feb 17, 2508

Braxis is dull.

For as far as the eye can see in any direction it's nothing but snow, ice, some mountains, and the occasional ursadon. On top of that, there's hardly anything to do here. We don't even have contact with the rest of the Dominion, Even Sergeant Major Reyes is getting bored, and that's saying something. After 4 years of isolation, cabin fever's starting to settle in.

It's funny how it affects different people. Reyes is just bored, Caulk is... still Caulk, but now for some reason he says he's only been here a few months rather than 4 years, and I know that he knows that. Maybe it's just his method of staving off the boxed-in feeling here. He does still remember that he went on leave last month with Lieutenant Archer though. Went to the Umojan Protectorate, where Archer's from. Might be why neither know anything about the status of the Dominion.

I think Davis has got it worst. The guy's retreated into himself. He used to be the happiest guy in my old squad, but now he snaps at everyone who so much as walks up to him. It's starting to reflect on the rest of the men too; I've overheard Captain Walker ordering his men to kill him if they get the chance.

I hope we find something to do soon. It's not going to be much longer until the men start breaking down.

~Passage from Colonel Alonzo Bianchi's Journal

~~~

Shining Armor's morning routine rarely deviated much in either direction. Every morning it was wake up, run, bathe, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get suited up, and head to the Royal Guard building to sign in. Everything that happened after that was just the same old stuff the Captain of the Guard always did. Organizing patrols, shifts, standing around looking intimidating, helping old mares cross the street, etc. The exciting moments were few and far between, but they made Shining wish he was filling out paperwork when they happened.

This incident was one of the more tolerable ones. Nonetheless, Shining was finding it difficult working around an alien who could burn all of Canterlot to the ground if it so chose. He was thankful that it at least seemed peaceful, or at least periodically content to remain peaceful.

For now, it seemed content to sit and read the morning paper in its "room." As the first order of business, said room was Shining's first location for the day. Upon his arrival, he found it to be no different than the other times he had entered. Same boxes, same floor, same giant metal alien.

The only differences were that there were a few things that Caulk had apparently removed from the crates and had them set up at seemingly random places. Along one wall was a large chalkboard that had a crude sketch of Caulk (it had his name with an arrow pointing to a stocky figure that had the general shape as him) riding a giant worm with a gaping mouth that was lined with triangular teeth. In one hand in the drawing he was holding a massive sword that was as long as his self-portrait was tall that had lightning bolts shooting out of it in all directions, and in the other hand he held an oversized bottle with a rectangular body that had "VODKA" written on the side. In the background was a large, mushroom-shaped object that looked closer to a cloud than an actual mushroom. In a large speech bubble coming from Caulk's likeness he had written "FOR NARNIA!!!!"

There were many other things in the drawing that defied Shining's understanding, such as a large number of creatures that looked vaguely like winged snakes being followed by fish-shaped creatures with smoke coming out their backsides. Caulk apparently had gotten bored at some point during the night. Fortunately, he found a non-destructive method of keeping himself entertained, which was more than Shining could say for some of his sister's friends.

Shining also noticed a large abacus, to which he paid little attention, and a large plate with a thin layer of syrup on the top sitting on the floor next to Caulk, so he had apparently been given pancakes for breakfast. The next thing he noticed was a pile of about six or seven empty maple syrup bottles.

"Please don't tell me you put seven bottles of syrup on one stack of pancakes," Shining said without a greeting.

Caulk looked up from his newspaper, which was amusingly small compared to the hands it was held in. "It was a big stack," he stated flatly.

"How big?"

"Big."

Shining rolled his eyes. That was probably going to be all he was going to get out of him.

"My prostheses run on glucose, okay?" Caulk relented. "Don't judge me."

"'Prostheses'?" Shining echoed. "As in, more than one?"

"It's a long story." After pausing for a brief moment, Caulk amended himself. "Actually it's not that long, I'm just too damn lazy to explain it to one person at a time."

Shining tried and failed to suppress a smirk. He knew all to well what it was like to give a story multiple times because ponies were not present. He'd at least wait until there were more ponies here with him. The princesses and the Elements were supposed to be arriving soon.

Since his mornings were usually pretty rushed, Shining did not have time to do much more than skim the front page of the paper. On this morning's skim, he had noticed that the headline was -- surprise, surprise -- about Caulk. The official headline was "Aliens confirmed in Equestria," but the accompanying photo looked as though it was taken from a long distance, showing a large orange blob in a sea of ponies.

Why are these kinds of photos always blurry? Shining wondered, thinking about all the different paranormal "evidence" he had seen over his years in the Guard.

"Don't you think it's kind of narcissistic to read a newspaper article about yourself?"

"Narci-- What? Oh, right, the headline," Caulk said with a hint of confusion. "No, I was looking at this." He swung has massive arms over to Shining and held the newspaper a few hooflengths in front of his face with a finger pointing at the article below the "Aliens in Equestria" headline. It was surprisingly short, and it seemed to be nothing more than a "Missing ponies" section. The only thing that threw Shining off was the fact that it was on the front page and the remarkable number of ponies listed.

Not to mention the title.

"More ponies go missing as cave monster sightings increase," Shining read aloud. "'Cave monster'? Not this again..."

"Do you know anything about it?"

"Not much," Shining admitted, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "I've only really heard about it in passing, but it's supposed to be this giant bear thing that comes out of its cave only when it's cold out, and hunts anything. Including ponies, I think."

"Why hasn't anything been done about it?" Caulk asked. "If people start going missing where I'm from, we go out and find 'em, or at least what killed them."

"Well so do we, but usually missing ponies turn up on their own," Shining explained, though this new article did have him musing. "If the problem's gotten so bad that it made the front page, I can only imagine that this could go all the way to the--"

"Princesses?" Celestia said as she entered the room and cut Shining off.

Faust dangit I hate it when ponies do that, Shining grumbled internally. He could hear Caulk mutter something similar under his breath as well, sharing his sentiment.

"Good morning Captain. Caulk," the Princess addressed the two in turn. "I trust you both slept well?"

"What is this 'sleep' of which you speak?" Caulk said with mock confusion. "I feel like I've been running on vapor for the past fifteen years of my life."

There was an awkward pause as Celestia and Shining stared at Caulk with looks of confusion. Somewhere a cricket chirped.

"I slept well," Shining said to the Princess to break the silence.

He could practically feel Caulk's eyes narrowed into a scowl at Shining behind his helmet as he grudgingly reached over and moved one of the sliders on his abacus to the opposite end without even shifting any other part of his body. It was only now that he noticed there were a few pieces of paper taped to it. The top said "DAILY SCORE," and next to the first three bars were labels that said "CAULK," "PONIES" and "OTHER." So far, the bar for ponies was the only one with a bead moved to the other end.

"You keep track of such raillery?" Celestia said with a touch of amusement in her voice.

Caulk glanced between his abacus and Celestia, then shrugged his massive shoulders. "Man's gotta have something to fill his time."

"I noticed," Shining said with a hoof pointed at the chalkboard.

"Like I said: don't judge me."

Celestia coughed into her hoof to draw attention to herself. "I assume you are wondering why I am here?"

"Not really. I mean, I can't imagine you wouldn't want to check up on an alien at least once a day." If Shining's looks could kill, Caulk would be a smoldering pile on the floor. "I mean... Yes. Yes I am."

Taking it in stride, Celestia continued unhindered. "In answer to your wondering, Captain, yes I am choosing to do something about these missing ponies. That is why I have come to request Caulk's assistance."

"What," came the reply in unison from both the other occupants of the room.

Shining looked between the Princess and Caulk with skepticism. "How could he possibly be able to help?"

"My thoughts exactly," Caulk said softly.

Celestia gave a soft smile and said, "I do not know for sure whether or not you will actually be able to help in much capacity, Caulk, though I arrived at that conclusion through a simple deduction: this creature responsible for the missing ponies has only ever been found in the same general area that we found you in the cave. Since I have found this creature to be not of this world, and given the fact that neither are you, I believe this creature came from 'Braxis,' the same place you came from. That said, you may be able to identify it."

"For starters that was technically 'induction', but whatever," Caulk said noncommittally. "I guess there's some truth to that. I mean there's only really one or two species on Braxis that could pose a potential hazard. But that's moot because I don't know what this 'creature' looks like!" he shouted, making air quotes as he said "creature."

"That," Celestia said, "is because we are waiting for your companions that I have seen fit to accompany you, so that they may hear your response as well."

Companions? The Elements? Shining wondered. I almost feel sorry for this guy... Almost.

As if on cue, Rainbow Dash and Applejack came sprinting into the room, where, amusingly, they neglected to use their figurative brakes and crashed headfirst into Caulk's sitting form. Because of Caulk's massive size, he did not budge in inch. Unfortunately, this only meant that poor Rainbow Dash and Applejack collided with Caulk's legs with far more force than would typically be expected.

Remarkably, the two ponies recovered from the crash after a second's daze and a quick shake of their heads.

"Heh, nahce try there, Rainbow," Applejack laughed after putting her dropped Stetson back on, "but yer gonna have ta try harder than that if'n ya wanna beat me."

"Yeah right! I beat you by a longshot!"

"Don' try and fool me! Ah saw you flappin' yer wings to get some extra speed!"

"I was not!"

"Were too!"

The conversation between the two competitive mares devolved into a traditional "did not" - "did too" argument at this point. They went back and forth like this, slowly leaning forward until their foreheads were pressed up against each other and settled for glaring at each other.

"Are they always this catty?" Caulk asked, this time addressing Shining.

"You have no idea."

Caulk groaned when he looked back to the bickering ponies and grumbled, "Lemme guess: these are my 'companions'?"

"Not all of them, no," Celestia said with a guilty smile when she saw Caulk's exasperation.

Not long after she said this, the remaining four of the elements plus Spike trotted into the room. Twilight, in an act of mercy, levitated Rainbow and Applejack away from each other and placed them in opposite corners of the room, though their eyes still remained locked in fierce scowls.

"Sorry about that," she said. "They take every chance they get to try and prove that they're stronger or faster than the other."

"No biggie," Caulk said with a wave of his hand. "Davis and I used to be the source of... well, let's just say we're kinda like that."

"Who's Davis?"

"My partner in crime." The room fell silent and Caulk seemed to notice the looks of concern plastered on each of the ponies faces. "Figuratively speaking, of course," he tacked on.

"Now that we are all assembled, I believe we can continue with our discussion," Celestia said. "I have already explained this to your 'companions', so I need not reiterate myself.

"Now, we have actually determined that this creature is not just one, but several individuals of the same species. There have been multiple sightings of each, and we have deduced there to be at least five different individuals. They seem to have a pack structure since four of them seem to follow the largest of the five."

Caulk crossed his arms. "There're tons of animals that live in packs. I'm going to need a physical description."

"At that we are somewhat lacking," Celestia said with a huff. "They only come out of their caves during the hours before morning, while it is still dark and very cold, especially since that area is mostly desert. Otherwise, they remain in their caves, of which we have been unable to identify which one they make their home in."

"Why not?"

"The caves they have been seen around are in the side of a cliff that contains hundreds of caves of all sizes and depths, few of which have been explored. The ponies that claim to have seen them all say that they saw a large, quadrupedal animal with very thick, white fur and legs that are the size of tree trunks. They also said that they saw a couple rows of horns on their heads and necks, as well as a pair of tusks. Does that fit the description of anything you may be familiar with?"

Caulk hummed and looked up thoughtfully. After a minute or two, he snapped his fingers and straightened his posture. "Sounds to me like you've got an ursadon problem."

Twilight perked up at this. She immediately pulled a notepad and pencil seemingly out of thin air.

How predictable, Twily, Shining thought. This was typical behavior of his sister whenever she was confronted with brand new information.

"What exactly are ursadons?" she asked excitedly.

"Uh... basically they look like what she just said," Caulk responded, gesturing to Celestia. "But they do actually have a few physiological quirks with them. The reason they only came out in the cold is because they have fat and fur that's so thick it would cook them alive from the inside out if they were in anything above freezing. They only live on planets -- more than one -- that have average temperatures that are way below freezing. That fat and blubber just keeps them warm enough to live. They're mammals yeah, but they can survive, hell they thrive, in places where they're body temperatures are below freezing in some cases. Case in point: Braxis, the place I came from."

Twilight scribbled this down madly, a broad grin on her face. "But how's that possible? Wouldn't they freeze?"

"That's another thing: they have a very effective natural anti-freeze in their body that can keep them from freezing solid even when the climate's near absolute zero."

"What do they eat?"

"Meat. Only. And they're very aggressive. I once saw a pack bring down an ultralisk. It was... gruesome, to say the least. My adventures rarely bring me to pleasant places, in case you haven't figured that out yet."

There was a long silence after Caulk said this. Finally, Fluttershy managed to squeak out, "So... what do we do when we find them?"

This seemed a poser for Caulk. "I don't know. If they're a problem for us back on Braxis we usually sent out a team to hunt them down and kill them. But... I get the feeling you guys don't want me to kill them... right?"

Shining couldn't keep his opinion to himself at this point. If the "ursadons" were as hazardous as Caulk claimed them to be, attempting to take them captive could result in an extreme loss of life. "I think we should just kill them. I don't want to run the constant risk of losing ponies when... if... we can keep them locked in a pen."

Each of the ponies looked at him aghast, including Spike. Even Rainbow Dash looked appalled. Killing went against almost every part of pony culture. The only time they would kill would be if they were attacked by another nation, and they would never be the belligerents.

Fluttershy looked at Shining almost with tears in her eyes. "H-how can you say that? They never wanted to hurt anypony, that's just their nature! They can't help it!"

Caulk shook his head. "That's exactly it, though. They can't help it. No matter what we do they're going to hunt and kill people unless they're relocated or dead. And I'm not going to be the one who's pulling a leash on five bears that've practically been bred to kill. Trust me, you don't want these things around you for extended periods of time. I'm more than willing to go and hunt them down myself if need be."

"B-but... Princess! You can't let them be killed! You can't!" Fluttershy begged, flopping on the floor next to Celestia with tears in her eyes.

Celestia looked between Fluttershy and Shining with a conflicted look on her face. Finally she let out a long sigh and said sadly, "I'm sorry, Fluttershy, but I must accept the counsel of Shining Armor and Caulk. We cannot risk having these creatures anywhere near other ponies."

After she said this Fluttershy clapped her hooves over her face and began openly weeping.

Pinkie Pie came bouncing up alongside her and draped a hoof over her shoulders saying, "Hey, it's okay, Auntie Pinkie will stay here with you if you don't want to go!"

"Yes, I imagine that most of you will not want to take part in this," Celestia said, "so if you truly do not wish to go, you may stay here in Canterlot."

"I think I will stay here with Fluttershy," Rarity chimed in. "The poor dear could use some support."

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Twilight said hesitantly, "but I'll go."

"Twilight's not going anywhere without me!" Spike announced protectively, puffing up his chest to make himself look bigger and tougher.

"Hay yeah I'm going!" Rainbow Dash shouted. "Agent Dash is gonna save the day!"

"Somepony's gotta make sure ya don't git yerself killed!" Applejack said. "Count me in!"

Good, we do still have a group going, Shining thought. For a second there I thought we might lose everypony outright.

"Very well, then," Celestia said with approval. "Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, you may retire to your guest rooms. We will call you if we have need of you."

"Come on, darling, let's get you out of here," Rarity said to a still-sniffling Fluttershy as she helped her stand up.

The three ponies slowly trotted out of the room with Pinkie and Rarity supporting Fluttershy on both sides. As soon as they left, Luna entered the room, still looking over her shoulder at the ponies who had just left.

"Apologies for my unexpected arrival, I was having trouble falling asleep," she said. "Did I miss anything important?"

"Only the exposition," Celestia replied.

Luna briefly examined the room, her eyes lingering on the chalkboard and abacus, both of which caused her to smile with amusement. Then her eyes fell on the plate next to Caulk and the pile of empty syrup bottles.

"Did you really empty seven bottles of syrup on a single stack of pancakes?"

Caulk and Shining shared a look before both burst out into fits of laughter.

"What is it, did I say something wrong?"

Managing to pull himself together, Shining shook his head no.

"So... you can't fall asleep, so the first thing you decide to do is come see me?" Caulk said, still chuckling to himself. "I'm touched."

Luna rolled her eyes at the ribbing and countered it with her own jab. "Ah, but there is nothing in your head worth conversing with, which would mean your form is the only thing interesting about you." She finished with a smirk, obviously proud of the lewd remark she had just made.

"Ouch," Shining laughed. "That had to sting."

Shining had to bite his hoof to keep himself from laughing when he saw Caulk's reaction. He had immediately stopped laughing and reached over to add another point to the "PONIES" bar on the abacus. After delivering the point he observed it for a moment and said, "Damn, I really gotta step up my game."

"In all honesty though, why did ya put all that syrup on yer pancakes?" Applejack asked, looking at the empty bottles as well.

Caulk sighed and said, "I guess I had to talk about it eventually. My prostheses run on glucose, so I need a high intake of simple sugars. That includes syrup."

Twilight blinked at that. "You have prostheses? What happened, were you injured?"

"During the First Great War my legs got caught under a siege tank, which is a ninety ton war machine we use. Well, the Arclite was. The new Crucio tanks are closer to one hundred. The track crushed my legs and they had to amputate at the hip."

Shining whistled at the description. "Oof. That stinks."

"And then I had to get my left arm amputated at the shoulder when it had three hydralisk spines sticking out of it. That was one of the more... painful injuries I've had. Hydralisk venom is nasty stuff."

Spike looked horrified at Caulk. "You lost all that!?"

"And I lost the other arm when I made the mistake of going one-on-one with a Protoss zealot. Cut it off at the shoulder. Still killed him for good measure, though. I was a little disappointed, really. It wasn't as bloody as I thought it would be."

Luna looked aghast. "So you do not actually have any limbs?"

"Nope. But really, it's not that bad. Now if I break one of them, I don't have to wait for it to heal; I can just pop it off and put a new one on," Caulk said sagely. "I hate to get back on topic, but I think we should inform Princess Luna of our decision."

Celestia coughed, embarrassed. "Right, apologies, dear sister. We have decided that all others present here besides us are to hunt down and kill the 'cave monsters', as the media calls them."

Luna laughed and said, "Ha! You see? I told you Caulk would know."

"So...," Caulk said to regain attention. "When are we going and where are we going?"

"You are to go by train to the town of Appleloosa, which is the closest settlement to your destination," Celestia said excitedly now that the plan was getting underway. "As for when, you may all leave immediately, if you think you are ready."

Throughout this, Shining had only one thought in his mind:

Why do I suddenly feel like doing paperwork?

IX - If Something Seems Too Easy...

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

IX - If Something Seems Too Easy...

__________

Caulk stared at Rainbow Dash in disbelief.

"Right now? Seriously?"

"You agreed to it, and I'm expecting you to do it! And yes, right now!" Rainbow Dash shouted, giving Caulk a malicious grin.

Caulk instinctively brought his thumb and index finger up to pinch the bridge of his nose, but the helmet got in his way. "I was at least thinking that I would have the opportunity to make a good first impression."

"Exactly!"

A wave of indignation and anger coursed through Caulk. Had he just been outplayed by one of a race of primitive horses with vastly inferior technology, and especially one that was smart about nothing but sports? He had hoped on Rainbow at least waiting until the rest of the ponies were used to him before making him do this. Jerking his finger at Rainbow but avoiding her eyes he managed to make out, "You planned all this out! That... that is cruel, unusual and... absolutely genius. Well played. Well played indeed."

Turning to leave, Rainbow said, "Well, then let's go! We don't wanna miss the lunch rush in the town square do we?"

Yes. We. DO! Caulk roared inside his head. He hadn't expected this pony to be nearly smart enough to plan out something this diabolical. His self deprecating jokes were one thing, but being deliberately forced into humiliating himself in front of hundreds of people was another thing altogether. All these months of picking on Archie are coming back to bite me in the ass. Fucking karma...

Rainbow Dash smugly trotted out of Caulk's room and through the warehouse, followed by Caulk, who was stomping angrily after her and clenching his fists, and a group of ten guards. When they arrived at the loading door of the warehouse, rather than trying to crawl through like he had before, Caulk simply stooped as low as he could go and, leading with his shoulder, barreled through it in his ire. The door was significantly larger after he went through it than before, and now sported a vaguely circular shape. A few workers outside the warehouse dropped everything they were doing, literally in some cases, and gaped at Caulk with wide eyes and slack jaws.

Ignoring the stares, Caulk followed Rainbow begrudgingly through the streets of Canterlot. Once they left the "industrial" district, or at least whatever the closest thing Canterlot had to it was, they found themselves in a narrow side street with a few small houses. Caulk could see ponies staring at him through the windows with expressions of pure shock.

Behind him, Caulk could hear some of the guards whispering to each other.

"Are we allowed to let this thing out?"

"I thought you knew!"

The streets that Rainbow Dash led Caulk through became increasingly wide, and the buildings were larger and closer together. Along the sides of the larger streets were various concession stands selling food or tourist-trap items. With the increased density of buildings came an increased population of ponies, each staring at him with expressions of fear or bewilderment, and they all made sure to give him a very wide berth.

It was through this that Caulk was able to get a good idea of what these ponies were like as a species and as a society. The first thing he noticed about them was the array of colors that each one bore on their coats, the colors coming from all over the color spectrum. From what he could tell, there were three different types of ponies: ones with a single horn on their heads, which he figured were actually called unicorns by the ponies themselves, given the striking similarities between this world and Terran mythology; ones with a small pair of wings, which he dubbed as pegasi Pegasuses? That doesn't sound right... for the same reason; and ones with neither, for which he could not come up with a name. Whether or not they were each different ethnicities or entirely different subspecies altogether, Caulk could not determine. Whichever, they all seemed to be seamlessly integrated.

Another thing Caulk noticed in regards to their physiology was that only the unicorns seemed capable of using "magic." He noticed on numerous occasions that their horns would be glowing a color that typically corresponded to that of their coats, and an object nearby would begin glowing the same color and start levitating and moving on seemingly its own accord. Of course, once they saw Caulk they immediately lost all concentration and dropped whatever they were "holding."

The pegasi were fascinating in their own right as well. Their wings, despite their diminutive size, were not vestigial. Caulk could see them being used just as effectively, if not more so, than those of birds. Their movements, whether on the ground or in the air, seemed to be far smoother and controlled than their land-locked counterparts. To Caulk's amazement, when he looked up at the sky he could see some of the pegasi actually standing on clouds.

The ones with neither horns nor wings did not possess much in the lines of world-bendingly fascinating abilities, but they were definitely far stronger than any of the others. He could see them pushing, pulling, or carrying on their backs loads that seemed obscenely uncharacteristic of creatures their size.

In regards to their society, they apparently had a capitalist economy if the number of booths and concession stands were anything to judge by. Judging by the grandeur of the buildings around him, Caulk figured that this must have been the capitol of this nation, which, judging by the names of some of the shops, was a popular tourist location.

Hm, maybe they aren't so primitive, after all.

There were a few things about the ponies that stuck out as odd to Caulk. First and foremost was their taste in paint. The colors they had painted their buildings were so bright and vibrant he almost turned up the polarization of his visor. The gender difference also seemed odd, as there were significantly more females than males. Another that stuck out was that each pony had a unique emblem on each side of their flanks. He noticed that each one reflected the profession that the pony had. Some were obvious, like a pony with an emblem of some kind of wrapped candy was selling candies, whereas some were more obscure, like one with three raindrops.

What Caulk found intriguing was how each of the three types of ponies manipulated smaller objects without the usage of hands. The unicorns had their magic, obviously, but the pegasi were capable of using the feathers on the edge of their wings just as dexterously as fingers. The ponies with neither horns nor wings seemed capable of using their tails with extraordinary dexterity, even more so than monkeys. They all seemed to possess the ability to skillfully use their mouths for manipulating writing and drawing utensils such as pencils, pens and paintbrushes.

Life finds a way. Wise words indeed, Mr Crichton, Caulk thought.

"Alright, you know what to do! All the way to the other corner!" Caulk heard Rainbow shout, interrupting his analyses.

Observing his surroundings, Caulk saw that he was standing at one corner of a massive square plaza. It was almost a hundred and fifty meters on each side and had a large, circular fountain in the middle. Branching off of it were streets that led to other parts of the city. True to Rainbow's word, the plaza was chock full of ponies and food stands. Caulk guessed that there had to be at least three thousand ponies in the crowd, and all were staring at him.

And this was how he was supposed to make a first impression?

"This is demeaning," Caulk said, addressing Rainbow. Apparently as a result of his ability to speak their language, Caulk could see some of the closer ponies' looks go from bewilderment to utter shock, and somewhere in the crowd one fainted.

"This was the deal, guy," Rainbow stated, tapping the ground with a hoof impatiently.

"I know, I know..." Sweet Mother Mercy... "Let's just get this over with."

Caulk pulled the Perdition Gauntlets up his arm and placed the backs of the suit's exo-gloves behind the small of his back, putting his arms in a chicken wing pose. He could see the crowds' expressions go from a "Holy shit an alien" type of shock to a "What the balls is it doing" type.

Swallowing his pride, he leaned forward slightly and started making as light of steps as he could, in a way that his motions would resemble that of a chicken. With each step he would vocalize a soft "Bok" sound, like a chicken, and every tenth step or so he would go "Ba-Kawk!" Around him, Caulk could see the ponies abandon their surprise for the most part and were now struggling, and in some cases failing, to contain their laughter. Rainbow Dash, who was hovering along next to him like a humming bird, was laughing herself almost to the point of tears.

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, he thought bitterly. Just you wait until I get my old shotty and some bird shot, then we'll see who's laughing.

The walk to the opposite corner of the plaza was longer than he expected, but after a while Caulk had zoned out and time seemed to speed up. This wasn't until he came up with a good position for his hands, though. The position he was initially in was not simply uncomfortable, it actually hurt. He was snapped out of his mechanical motions when he found that he was about three meters from the edge of the pavement.

"Is this good? Can we please go back now?"

Rainbow Dash shook her head. "You still have to do the second half!"

"What second- oh... I hate you," Caulk said, remembering the entirety of their deal. Is there no way my life can go according to plan for once? he thought. Turning his suit's megaphone up to its maximum volume, he said loudly, "I would just like to let everyone know... that I *suck.*"

"And...?" Rainbow asked, her usually boisterous voice sounding insignificant in comparison to Caulk's megaphone.

"Bite my orange metal ass! That's all I agreed to say!"

"Alright, alright, we can go back now..." Rainbow said, clearly upset that she was not able to squeeze anything more from Caulk.

Rainbow, who was still hovering, led Caulk back through the crowd to go back to the warehouse. When they were passing by the fountain, Caulk saw a white flash out of the left corner of his eye. Turning to find the source of it, he saw a grinning male unicorn pony with a white coat and black mane and tail, and had a typewriter for an emblem. Caulk noticed that it was wearing a gray fedora with a hole cut for its horn, and was apparently using it to levitate a large camera that resembled one used in the early or mid-twentieth century, which was glowing a soft white.

A journalist, Caulk thought sourly. If there's one thing I hate as much as Mengsk, it's gotta be the media. Damn you, Donny Vermillion. I could do a better job of reporting than you. Good thing your replacement's hot as hell, else I'd never watch the news.

Caulk approached the pony swiftly, and before it could react, snatched the camera out of the air. Without stopping to examine it, he drove it into the ground as hard as he could, smashing it to pieces. He then stomped down as hard as he could on the highest concentration of pieces with his metal soled boots. To finish it off, he twisted the ball of his foot on the pile, pulverizing the camera to a fine powder like a mortar and pestle.

The pony, who was bearing an expression of shock and dismay, was staring at what little remained of its camera. Caulk leaned down so that his face was uncomfortably close to the pony's, who snapped its head up and looked Caulk in the eye.

"It's a common courtesy to ask before taking a picture of someone. I hope we learned something today."

The pony just nodded slowly. When Caulk turned to leave and follow Rainbow Dash, the pony did not move, look in Caulk's direction or even blink, despite the prodding of others.

Maybe I can salvage my reputation yet, he thought. At that moment, his attention was drawn to a small, flashing red light in the upper right-hand corner of his heads-up display.

Does a flashy red light ever mean anything good?

~~~

WHAM!

Just a few more minutes... Imorin groaned as she pulled the sheets of the tiny bed over her head to drown out the sound of the obscenely loud pounding on her door.

In a muffled voice, she heard Archer mutter, "Good gravy, she sleeps heavier than Caulk," before shouting,

"WAKE!"

WHAM!

"THE!"

WHAM!

"FUCK!"

WHAM!

"UP!"

WHAM!

"WE GOTTA GO!"

WHAM-WHAM-WHAM-WHAM-WHAM!

Yet Imorin remained in the bed, only now she was rubbing her temples to alleviate the headache that was forming behind her eyes. She sighed with relief when the incessant pounding stopped, but her respite was thrown out the window when she felt the blanket yanked off of her. Imorin was glad she was still wearing her armor, light as it was, so the cold did not reach her. Opening an eye, she saw Archer standing next to the bed in his red, massive suit of armor, the blanket thrown over his right shoulder and tapping his foot impatiently. Archer's gold-colored visor was retracted, exposing his face which she had not seen the day before. His skin was a light tan and he had a slightly narrower jaw than most Terran males. A pair of dark brown eyes glared at Imorin impatiently from under his brow.

All this was thrown to the back of Imorin's mind when she said, "From what I know of Terrans, it is considered socially improper for a man to do that to a woman, or anyone for that matter, regardless of whether or not they are clothed."

Archer's eyes narrowed as he said, "You know what else isn't considered socially proper?" Leaning forward slightly for emphasis, "Bein' late."

"Touche," Imorin said, using the common Terran phrase.

She crawled out of the bed and, careful not to hit her head on the low ceiling, exited the room. As she passed Archer, he threw the blanket back onto the bed in a heap and followed her out. Imorin started down the left hallway in the hopes it was the right way, but only made it two steps before Archer said, "Other way." Turning around, she saw Archer grinning dumbly and biting his lower lip.

Archer turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction. Not knowing how to get to where they were going, or even where they were going, Imorin decided to stay behind him the whole way. When they got to the first hallway intersection, Archer stopped in the middle and held out both hands, curling all of his fingers except for his thumb and index finger. Imorin could hear him mutter, "Let's see, left hand makes an 'L' so, that way."

How ironic, Imorin thought, struggling not to laugh. "It seems that I am not the only one who is 'directionally challenged', as you Terrans like to say."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

After going down the left corridor, they turned only once to the right, at which Imorin ribbed Archer, saying, "Which way to our destination, Stuart Archer?"

"Excuse me, did I make fun of you when you went the wrong way?" he retorted.

They passed by at least five more hallways until they arrived at a large steel door with a control panel on the wall to the right. Imorin recognized it as the door that led to the Terran base's hangar. Archer pressed a few buttons on the panel. As soon as he was done, the door split vertically down the middle and each half retracted into the wall. Imorin followed Archer into the hangar, none too thrilled as a result of the last time she had been in the massive room.

At the right side of the hangar was the remainder of Imorin's cohort, which she noticed became unusually quiet upon her entering. Despite their silence, Imorin could still feel a negative atmosphere centered around the cohort. On the left side was what she assumed to be the Colonel's Phi Squadron. Its numbers had been bolstered to about fifteen, but only with marines, leaving the remaining marauder looking rather out of place. In the furthest corner stood what Imorin assumed to be a Terran ghost warrior. The Terran was wearing a white, skin-tight body suit with a black chest piece and red shoulder pads. On it's helmet it had a large, green, glowing orb over one eye and four smaller ones over it's other. It was very tall, for a Terran, but had a very compact build. All were silent, and Imorin could feel hateful eyes burning into her from the group of Terrans.

In the middle of the hangar was the fully armored Colonel and Aldarix, both of which seemed to be ignoring each other. On the ground between them were two cylinders that were about as tall as the Colonel, and as big around as his armored leg. Imorin assumed that these were the devices that Archer intended to use to locate Caulk. Archer led Imorin to them and started fiddling with a small keypad on the side of one.

Imorin looked about the hangar. Not seeing any shuttles prepared, she said, "The transport is not yet ready I take it?"

"Mine is, though I can't say the same for you, I don't think," the Colonel said with his arms crossed. "We don't have much opportunity for some good exercise on this god-forsaken ball of ice so we'll take whatever we can get."

"I am not quite sure I understand."

"We're walking there. If you want to get your own dropships, be my guest. Would be better for us, those zealots of yours haven't said a damn thing today. It's starting to bother me a bit, and the only reason my troops aren't fighting them is because I'm standing in their way."

Imorin was filled with a sudden sense of foreboding. It was only a matter of time until the two sides turned on each other, so it would be best if they were kept apart as much as possible. She pressed a small button on her left gauntlet that would summon her shuttle. "That may be best. My cohort has not said anything to me either."

"Maybe I'm missing something here. Wouldn't I have heard them say anything if they just now said something to you?"

"Only if they were speaking at you. We Protoss communicate in Khalani. You Terrans would better understand it as telepathy."

"Right..." the Colonel said dismissively. "Are those things ready yet, Lieutenant?"

With a groan of exasperation, Archer replied, "Ready as they'll ever be. I swear, nothing works in this place."

The Colonel chuckled at that. "I take it you've never actually been in an all out war. You've only been in the service for... what, a year now? If even that? When we were fighting the Zerg on Char four years ago we had to deal with this same problem all the time."

"Right... sir. Yeah, I think we're ready to go," Archer said, tucking both cylinders under his arms.

Nodding, the Colonel turned to face the innermost wall and shouted, "Open 'er up!"

Imorin looked back and noticed a window with three or four Terrans on the other side that overlooked the hangar. She heard a deep rumble and saw the--admittedly impressive--hangar door open. The harsh glare from the snow momentarily blinded Imorin as she waited for her eyes to adjust.

Khyrador's sky was a stark white, and it was snowing lightly. The snow outside the hangar was compacted to a density similar to concrete by a relentless pounding of wheels, treads and the feet of large mechanical striders. The tracks of all of these could still be seen, both new and old. Hovering in front of the now open hangar was the small, yellow, crescent shaped shuttle that Imorin had summoned.

The Terrans stood up and marched out of the hangar, their metal boots clacking against the concrete floor. They made sure to keep their distance from the shuttle, and wound up walking in a single file line along the left side of the hangar to avoid it. Imorin, Aldarix and the zealots wordlessly entered the shuttle, and a soft droning sound filled the interior of the vessel as it lifted off and sped through the air.

Within minutes, the shuttle arrived at the entrance to the subterranean Xel'naga complex. The shuttle dropped them off, and quickly sped away to a safe location where it could still easily reach them. Imorin looked down the canyon. It would take the Terrans quite some time to arrive at their destination, so she decided to sit down on a rock and wait patiently. After a time, Aldarix broke the silence.

"Executor, why are we still here?" Aldarix's deep mental voice rumbled. "We know now what the cause of this Terran's disappearance is, so why continue aiding them? It is perilous for us to remain here for much longer, for I feel that it is only the strained tolerance of their leader that is keeping us from battling them again on this world."

Imorin thought for a moment. "True, but now I must admit that my curiosity has been piqued by this discovery. I have never heard of there being such a collection of Xel'naga warp gates elsewhere in the galaxy."

"I identify with this reasoning, but there is no reason as to why we cannot do this on our own, rather than with the Terrans."

"Indeed we could, but sooner or later we would confront them, possibly with a far larger force on our part. As much as we are on 'thin ice' now, such a situation would leave us with no ice to stand on. It would be best to begin things on a small scale, where we may have a hope of finding a peaceful solution than frightening them into starting a major skirmish when they see one of our carriers."

Aldarix was silent for a moment, then said, "Very well, Executor. I pray that we may avoid conflict, but I feel it is inevitable."

There it was again. That same foreboding feeling Imorin had felt in the Terrans' hangar. It truly was only a matter of time.

Looking behind her to where the remaining six zealots were standing in a circle, Imorin asked, "Have they said anything to you at all?"

"No, they have not."

At that moment the Terran cohort arrived at Imorin and her troops. The Colonel stomped up to Imorin, his hands clenched tightly around the grips of his rifle.

"What're you waiting around here for?" he said angrily.

"We were waiting for you to arrive before entering," Imorin said. She had thought it would be the courteous thing to do.

With a low growl, the Colonel snarled, "If you went down there, we could have been part way done with this by now!" Without waiting for a confounded Imorin to respond, he had already began down the tunnel, with his cohort in suit. The ghost was the last in line, and slowed down slightly when it passed Imorin, staring at her with cold, calculating eyes before continuing down. Imorin and Aldarix shared a confused look before following the Terrans.

Upon entering the colossal chamber, Imorin and Aldarix approached the Colonel and Archer, who were busy discussing their plan for finding Caulk. Hoping to avoid angering the Colonel further, Imorin immediately ordered Aldarix to restart his psionic search. Shortly thereafter he was hovering in the air, shrouded by the blue aura near the opposite wall.

"And you're sure these things will work?" the Colonel said, clearly unconvinced with Archer's earlier diagnosis.

With a sigh, Archer replied, "It's impossible to tell with this stuff, sir, given all the shit it goes through out here and its condition. These aren't the 'best' ones I could find, they're just the least crappy." Then, after a pause, "Sir, how do we know Caulk's still alive? I mean that gate could be a portal to a room filled with plasma for all we know."

"I'll stick one half of a piece of paper in it. If it comes back on fire, we've got a problem. If not, then your suit should be able to withstand whatever's out there." The Colonel turned to Imorin. "Good to see I don't need to hold your hand through this. Look, once we get through that warp gate or whatever it's called, you're on your own. As long as you keep your distance from my men, I don't- SHIT!" the Colonel shouted as Imorin heard the Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat that was trademarked by the Terran's weapons.

Imorin whirled around and beheld a scene she had hoped not to see. The marines and zealots had engaged in a fierce, close quarters battle between the Terran cohort and the zealots. The remaining marauder had been sliced into several pieces, as well as a number of other marines, leaving only seven standing. Three of the marines were fighting with their weapons' bayonets against the zealots' superior psi blades. Still, they managed to hold them off long enough for the marines in back to have targets to shoot at, though the three marines in front were quickly slashed apart.

The zealots fared no better. Even as she watched, Imorin saw zealot after zealot disappear into blue vapor, their armor warping them back to the fleet before they could sustain further bodily injury. By the end, it was down to a single marine and a single zealot. The marine was attempting to stab the zealot in the neck with his bayonet, but his opponent was applying barely enough force to the marine's arms to keep it from decapitating him. After a few seconds of relative stillness, the zealot pushed the marine back enough to throw him off balance, and quickly sliced the marine in half along his midsection.

The zealot looked towards the Colonel and immediately charged at him, psi blades raised. The Colonel reached down to his thigh with his unused hand and procured a massive sidearm. With practiced ease, he fired three shots into the zealot's chest, completely ignoring its already shattered plasma shields and leaving a trio of gaping holes. The zealot promptly vanished in blue smoke, though Imorin feared his survival was doubtful.

... procured a massive sidearm.

Without even pausing, the Colonel pointed both his rifle and sidearm at Imorin, who knew her shields would not withstand weapons of that magnitude.

"DID YOU PLAN THIS!?" the Colonel roared. "DAMN NEAR MY ENTIRE PLATOON IS DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU! NOW YOU GET THE HELL OFF OUR TURF OR I BLOW YOUR BRAINS ALL OVER THE WALL!"

Imorin truly feared for her life at this point. Without hesitation, she managed to gain Aldarix's attention. "Aldarix, we have overstayed our welcome. We. Are. Leaving."

Aldarix took a moment to examine what had unfolded while he was in his trance. Without even an affirmative, he quickly followed Imorin out of the chamber, and back through the tunnel.

What a fucking disaster, the Colonel thought. I knew, just knew something like this was going to happen. Damn Protoss.

"Lieutenant, status report."

"Nothing much to report, sir. The Protoss turned on us and killed the rest of our squad. But..." Archie trailed off, something clearly perturbing him.

"But what, Lieutenant?"

"Buncha dead bodies and a lot of blood, sir, but Davis isn't here."