It Was a Pleasure to Burn

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn’t raise herself no dirty boy.

XII - Big Game Hunters

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Feb 17, 2508

Braxis is dull.

For as far as the eye can see in any direction it's nothing but snow, ice, some mountains, and the occasional ursadon. On top of that, there's hardly anything to do here. We don't even have contact with the rest of the Dominion, Even Sergeant Major Reyes is getting bored, and that's saying something. After 4 years of isolation, cabin fever's starting to settle in.

It's funny how it affects different people. Reyes is just bored, Caulk is... still Caulk, but now for some reason he says he's only been here a few months rather than 4 years, and I know that he knows that. Maybe it's just his method of staving off the boxed-in feeling here. He does still remember that he went on leave last month with Lieutenant Archer though. Went to the Umojan Protectorate, where Archer's from. Might be why neither know anything about the status of the Dominion.

I think Davis has got it worst. The guy's retreated into himself. He used to be the happiest guy in my old squad, but now he snaps at everyone who so much as walks up to him. It's starting to reflect on the rest of the men too; I've overheard Captain Walker ordering his men to kill him if they get the chance.

I hope we find something to do soon. It's not going to be much longer until the men start breaking down.

~Passage from Colonel Alonzo Bianchi's Journal

~~~

Shining Armor's morning routine rarely deviated much in either direction. Every morning it was wake up, run, bathe, eat breakfast, brush teeth, get suited up, and head to the Royal Guard building to sign in. Everything that happened after that was just the same old stuff the Captain of the Guard always did. Organizing patrols, shifts, standing around looking intimidating, helping old mares cross the street, etc. The exciting moments were few and far between, but they made Shining wish he was filling out paperwork when they happened.

This incident was one of the more tolerable ones. Nonetheless, Shining was finding it difficult working around an alien who could burn all of Canterlot to the ground if it so chose. He was thankful that it at least seemed peaceful, or at least periodically content to remain peaceful.

For now, it seemed content to sit and read the morning paper in its "room." As the first order of business, said room was Shining's first location for the day. Upon his arrival, he found it to be no different than the other times he had entered. Same boxes, same floor, same giant metal alien.

The only differences were that there were a few things that Caulk had apparently removed from the crates and had them set up at seemingly random places. Along one wall was a large chalkboard that had a crude sketch of Caulk (it had his name with an arrow pointing to a stocky figure that had the general shape as him) riding a giant worm with a gaping mouth that was lined with triangular teeth. In one hand in the drawing he was holding a massive sword that was as long as his self-portrait was tall that had lightning bolts shooting out of it in all directions, and in the other hand he held an oversized bottle with a rectangular body that had "VODKA" written on the side. In the background was a large, mushroom-shaped object that looked closer to a cloud than an actual mushroom. In a large speech bubble coming from Caulk's likeness he had written "FOR NARNIA!!!!"

There were many other things in the drawing that defied Shining's understanding, such as a large number of creatures that looked vaguely like winged snakes being followed by fish-shaped creatures with smoke coming out their backsides. Caulk apparently had gotten bored at some point during the night. Fortunately, he found a non-destructive method of keeping himself entertained, which was more than Shining could say for some of his sister's friends.

Shining also noticed a large abacus, to which he paid little attention, and a large plate with a thin layer of syrup on the top sitting on the floor next to Caulk, so he had apparently been given pancakes for breakfast. The next thing he noticed was a pile of about six or seven empty maple syrup bottles.

"Please don't tell me you put seven bottles of syrup on one stack of pancakes," Shining said without a greeting.

Caulk looked up from his newspaper, which was amusingly small compared to the hands it was held in. "It was a big stack," he stated flatly.

"How big?"

"Big."

Shining rolled his eyes. That was probably going to be all he was going to get out of him.

"My prostheses run on glucose, okay?" Caulk relented. "Don't judge me."

"'Prostheses'?" Shining echoed. "As in, more than one?"

"It's a long story." After pausing for a brief moment, Caulk amended himself. "Actually it's not that long, I'm just too damn lazy to explain it to one person at a time."

Shining tried and failed to suppress a smirk. He knew all to well what it was like to give a story multiple times because ponies were not present. He'd at least wait until there were more ponies here with him. The princesses and the Elements were supposed to be arriving soon.

Since his mornings were usually pretty rushed, Shining did not have time to do much more than skim the front page of the paper. On this morning's skim, he had noticed that the headline was -- surprise, surprise -- about Caulk. The official headline was "Aliens confirmed in Equestria," but the accompanying photo looked as though it was taken from a long distance, showing a large orange blob in a sea of ponies.

Why are these kinds of photos always blurry? Shining wondered, thinking about all the different paranormal "evidence" he had seen over his years in the Guard.

"Don't you think it's kind of narcissistic to read a newspaper article about yourself?"

"Narci-- What? Oh, right, the headline," Caulk said with a hint of confusion. "No, I was looking at this." He swung has massive arms over to Shining and held the newspaper a few hooflengths in front of his face with a finger pointing at the article below the "Aliens in Equestria" headline. It was surprisingly short, and it seemed to be nothing more than a "Missing ponies" section. The only thing that threw Shining off was the fact that it was on the front page and the remarkable number of ponies listed.

Not to mention the title.

"More ponies go missing as cave monster sightings increase," Shining read aloud. "'Cave monster'? Not this again..."

"Do you know anything about it?"

"Not much," Shining admitted, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "I've only really heard about it in passing, but it's supposed to be this giant bear thing that comes out of its cave only when it's cold out, and hunts anything. Including ponies, I think."

"Why hasn't anything been done about it?" Caulk asked. "If people start going missing where I'm from, we go out and find 'em, or at least what killed them."

"Well so do we, but usually missing ponies turn up on their own," Shining explained, though this new article did have him musing. "If the problem's gotten so bad that it made the front page, I can only imagine that this could go all the way to the--"

"Princesses?" Celestia said as she entered the room and cut Shining off.

Faust dangit I hate it when ponies do that, Shining grumbled internally. He could hear Caulk mutter something similar under his breath as well, sharing his sentiment.

"Good morning Captain. Caulk," the Princess addressed the two in turn. "I trust you both slept well?"

"What is this 'sleep' of which you speak?" Caulk said with mock confusion. "I feel like I've been running on vapor for the past fifteen years of my life."

There was an awkward pause as Celestia and Shining stared at Caulk with looks of confusion. Somewhere a cricket chirped.

"I slept well," Shining said to the Princess to break the silence.

He could practically feel Caulk's eyes narrowed into a scowl at Shining behind his helmet as he grudgingly reached over and moved one of the sliders on his abacus to the opposite end without even shifting any other part of his body. It was only now that he noticed there were a few pieces of paper taped to it. The top said "DAILY SCORE," and next to the first three bars were labels that said "CAULK," "PONIES" and "OTHER." So far, the bar for ponies was the only one with a bead moved to the other end.

"You keep track of such raillery?" Celestia said with a touch of amusement in her voice.

Caulk glanced between his abacus and Celestia, then shrugged his massive shoulders. "Man's gotta have something to fill his time."

"I noticed," Shining said with a hoof pointed at the chalkboard.

"Like I said: don't judge me."

Celestia coughed into her hoof to draw attention to herself. "I assume you are wondering why I am here?"

"Not really. I mean, I can't imagine you wouldn't want to check up on an alien at least once a day." If Shining's looks could kill, Caulk would be a smoldering pile on the floor. "I mean... Yes. Yes I am."

Taking it in stride, Celestia continued unhindered. "In answer to your wondering, Captain, yes I am choosing to do something about these missing ponies. That is why I have come to request Caulk's assistance."

"What," came the reply in unison from both the other occupants of the room.

Shining looked between the Princess and Caulk with skepticism. "How could he possibly be able to help?"

"My thoughts exactly," Caulk said softly.

Celestia gave a soft smile and said, "I do not know for sure whether or not you will actually be able to help in much capacity, Caulk, though I arrived at that conclusion through a simple deduction: this creature responsible for the missing ponies has only ever been found in the same general area that we found you in the cave. Since I have found this creature to be not of this world, and given the fact that neither are you, I believe this creature came from 'Braxis,' the same place you came from. That said, you may be able to identify it."

"For starters that was technically 'induction', but whatever," Caulk said noncommittally. "I guess there's some truth to that. I mean there's only really one or two species on Braxis that could pose a potential hazard. But that's moot because I don't know what this 'creature' looks like!" he shouted, making air quotes as he said "creature."

"That," Celestia said, "is because we are waiting for your companions that I have seen fit to accompany you, so that they may hear your response as well."

Companions? The Elements? Shining wondered. I almost feel sorry for this guy... Almost.

As if on cue, Rainbow Dash and Applejack came sprinting into the room, where, amusingly, they neglected to use their figurative brakes and crashed headfirst into Caulk's sitting form. Because of Caulk's massive size, he did not budge in inch. Unfortunately, this only meant that poor Rainbow Dash and Applejack collided with Caulk's legs with far more force than would typically be expected.

Remarkably, the two ponies recovered from the crash after a second's daze and a quick shake of their heads.

"Heh, nahce try there, Rainbow," Applejack laughed after putting her dropped Stetson back on, "but yer gonna have ta try harder than that if'n ya wanna beat me."

"Yeah right! I beat you by a longshot!"

"Don' try and fool me! Ah saw you flappin' yer wings to get some extra speed!"

"I was not!"

"Were too!"

The conversation between the two competitive mares devolved into a traditional "did not" - "did too" argument at this point. They went back and forth like this, slowly leaning forward until their foreheads were pressed up against each other and settled for glaring at each other.

"Are they always this catty?" Caulk asked, this time addressing Shining.

"You have no idea."

Caulk groaned when he looked back to the bickering ponies and grumbled, "Lemme guess: these are my 'companions'?"

"Not all of them, no," Celestia said with a guilty smile when she saw Caulk's exasperation.

Not long after she said this, the remaining four of the elements plus Spike trotted into the room. Twilight, in an act of mercy, levitated Rainbow and Applejack away from each other and placed them in opposite corners of the room, though their eyes still remained locked in fierce scowls.

"Sorry about that," she said. "They take every chance they get to try and prove that they're stronger or faster than the other."

"No biggie," Caulk said with a wave of his hand. "Davis and I used to be the source of... well, let's just say we're kinda like that."

"Who's Davis?"

"My partner in crime." The room fell silent and Caulk seemed to notice the looks of concern plastered on each of the ponies faces. "Figuratively speaking, of course," he tacked on.

"Now that we are all assembled, I believe we can continue with our discussion," Celestia said. "I have already explained this to your 'companions', so I need not reiterate myself.

"Now, we have actually determined that this creature is not just one, but several individuals of the same species. There have been multiple sightings of each, and we have deduced there to be at least five different individuals. They seem to have a pack structure since four of them seem to follow the largest of the five."

Caulk crossed his arms. "There're tons of animals that live in packs. I'm going to need a physical description."

"At that we are somewhat lacking," Celestia said with a huff. "They only come out of their caves during the hours before morning, while it is still dark and very cold, especially since that area is mostly desert. Otherwise, they remain in their caves, of which we have been unable to identify which one they make their home in."

"Why not?"

"The caves they have been seen around are in the side of a cliff that contains hundreds of caves of all sizes and depths, few of which have been explored. The ponies that claim to have seen them all say that they saw a large, quadrupedal animal with very thick, white fur and legs that are the size of tree trunks. They also said that they saw a couple rows of horns on their heads and necks, as well as a pair of tusks. Does that fit the description of anything you may be familiar with?"

Caulk hummed and looked up thoughtfully. After a minute or two, he snapped his fingers and straightened his posture. "Sounds to me like you've got an ursadon problem."

Twilight perked up at this. She immediately pulled a notepad and pencil seemingly out of thin air.

How predictable, Twily, Shining thought. This was typical behavior of his sister whenever she was confronted with brand new information.

"What exactly are ursadons?" she asked excitedly.

"Uh... basically they look like what she just said," Caulk responded, gesturing to Celestia. "But they do actually have a few physiological quirks with them. The reason they only came out in the cold is because they have fat and fur that's so thick it would cook them alive from the inside out if they were in anything above freezing. They only live on planets -- more than one -- that have average temperatures that are way below freezing. That fat and blubber just keeps them warm enough to live. They're mammals yeah, but they can survive, hell they thrive, in places where they're body temperatures are below freezing in some cases. Case in point: Braxis, the place I came from."

Twilight scribbled this down madly, a broad grin on her face. "But how's that possible? Wouldn't they freeze?"

"That's another thing: they have a very effective natural anti-freeze in their body that can keep them from freezing solid even when the climate's near absolute zero."

"What do they eat?"

"Meat. Only. And they're very aggressive. I once saw a pack bring down an ultralisk. It was... gruesome, to say the least. My adventures rarely bring me to pleasant places, in case you haven't figured that out yet."

There was a long silence after Caulk said this. Finally, Fluttershy managed to squeak out, "So... what do we do when we find them?"

This seemed a poser for Caulk. "I don't know. If they're a problem for us back on Braxis we usually sent out a team to hunt them down and kill them. But... I get the feeling you guys don't want me to kill them... right?"

Shining couldn't keep his opinion to himself at this point. If the "ursadons" were as hazardous as Caulk claimed them to be, attempting to take them captive could result in an extreme loss of life. "I think we should just kill them. I don't want to run the constant risk of losing ponies when... if... we can keep them locked in a pen."

Each of the ponies looked at him aghast, including Spike. Even Rainbow Dash looked appalled. Killing went against almost every part of pony culture. The only time they would kill would be if they were attacked by another nation, and they would never be the belligerents.

Fluttershy looked at Shining almost with tears in her eyes. "H-how can you say that? They never wanted to hurt anypony, that's just their nature! They can't help it!"

Caulk shook his head. "That's exactly it, though. They can't help it. No matter what we do they're going to hunt and kill people unless they're relocated or dead. And I'm not going to be the one who's pulling a leash on five bears that've practically been bred to kill. Trust me, you don't want these things around you for extended periods of time. I'm more than willing to go and hunt them down myself if need be."

"B-but... Princess! You can't let them be killed! You can't!" Fluttershy begged, flopping on the floor next to Celestia with tears in her eyes.

Celestia looked between Fluttershy and Shining with a conflicted look on her face. Finally she let out a long sigh and said sadly, "I'm sorry, Fluttershy, but I must accept the counsel of Shining Armor and Caulk. We cannot risk having these creatures anywhere near other ponies."

After she said this Fluttershy clapped her hooves over her face and began openly weeping.

Pinkie Pie came bouncing up alongside her and draped a hoof over her shoulders saying, "Hey, it's okay, Auntie Pinkie will stay here with you if you don't want to go!"

"Yes, I imagine that most of you will not want to take part in this," Celestia said, "so if you truly do not wish to go, you may stay here in Canterlot."

"I think I will stay here with Fluttershy," Rarity chimed in. "The poor dear could use some support."

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Twilight said hesitantly, "but I'll go."

"Twilight's not going anywhere without me!" Spike announced protectively, puffing up his chest to make himself look bigger and tougher.

"Hay yeah I'm going!" Rainbow Dash shouted. "Agent Dash is gonna save the day!"

"Somepony's gotta make sure ya don't git yerself killed!" Applejack said. "Count me in!"

Good, we do still have a group going, Shining thought. For a second there I thought we might lose everypony outright.

"Very well, then," Celestia said with approval. "Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, you may retire to your guest rooms. We will call you if we have need of you."

"Come on, darling, let's get you out of here," Rarity said to a still-sniffling Fluttershy as she helped her stand up.

The three ponies slowly trotted out of the room with Pinkie and Rarity supporting Fluttershy on both sides. As soon as they left, Luna entered the room, still looking over her shoulder at the ponies who had just left.

"Apologies for my unexpected arrival, I was having trouble falling asleep," she said. "Did I miss anything important?"

"Only the exposition," Celestia replied.

Luna briefly examined the room, her eyes lingering on the chalkboard and abacus, both of which caused her to smile with amusement. Then her eyes fell on the plate next to Caulk and the pile of empty syrup bottles.

"Did you really empty seven bottles of syrup on a single stack of pancakes?"

Caulk and Shining shared a look before both burst out into fits of laughter.

"What is it, did I say something wrong?"

Managing to pull himself together, Shining shook his head no.

"So... you can't fall asleep, so the first thing you decide to do is come see me?" Caulk said, still chuckling to himself. "I'm touched."

Luna rolled her eyes at the ribbing and countered it with her own jab. "Ah, but there is nothing in your head worth conversing with, which would mean your form is the only thing interesting about you." She finished with a smirk, obviously proud of the lewd remark she had just made.

"Ouch," Shining laughed. "That had to sting."

Shining had to bite his hoof to keep himself from laughing when he saw Caulk's reaction. He had immediately stopped laughing and reached over to add another point to the "PONIES" bar on the abacus. After delivering the point he observed it for a moment and said, "Damn, I really gotta step up my game."

"In all honesty though, why did ya put all that syrup on yer pancakes?" Applejack asked, looking at the empty bottles as well.

Caulk sighed and said, "I guess I had to talk about it eventually. My prostheses run on glucose, so I need a high intake of simple sugars. That includes syrup."

Twilight blinked at that. "You have prostheses? What happened, were you injured?"

"During the First Great War my legs got caught under a siege tank, which is a ninety ton war machine we use. Well, the Arclite was. The new Crucio tanks are closer to one hundred. The track crushed my legs and they had to amputate at the hip."

Shining whistled at the description. "Oof. That stinks."

"And then I had to get my left arm amputated at the shoulder when it had three hydralisk spines sticking out of it. That was one of the more... painful injuries I've had. Hydralisk venom is nasty stuff."

Spike looked horrified at Caulk. "You lost all that!?"

"And I lost the other arm when I made the mistake of going one-on-one with a Protoss zealot. Cut it off at the shoulder. Still killed him for good measure, though. I was a little disappointed, really. It wasn't as bloody as I thought it would be."

Luna looked aghast. "So you do not actually have any limbs?"

"Nope. But really, it's not that bad. Now if I break one of them, I don't have to wait for it to heal; I can just pop it off and put a new one on," Caulk said sagely. "I hate to get back on topic, but I think we should inform Princess Luna of our decision."

Celestia coughed, embarrassed. "Right, apologies, dear sister. We have decided that all others present here besides us are to hunt down and kill the 'cave monsters', as the media calls them."

Luna laughed and said, "Ha! You see? I told you Caulk would know."

"So...," Caulk said to regain attention. "When are we going and where are we going?"

"You are to go by train to the town of Appleloosa, which is the closest settlement to your destination," Celestia said excitedly now that the plan was getting underway. "As for when, you may all leave immediately, if you think you are ready."

Throughout this, Shining had only one thought in his mind:

Why do I suddenly feel like doing paperwork?