It Was a Pleasure to Burn

It Was a Pleasure to Burn

Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn't raise herself no dirty boy.

VII - Getting Acquainted

__________

Following the momentous revelation that Caulk had imparted to the princesses, they had quickly left to discuss his fate further. This left Caulk alone and bored in the small room with nothing to do but pace around next to the walls of wooden crates.

What the heck is in these boxes, anyway? Caulk wondered, There's no labels on them or anything. Not even a logo.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he picked up the crate he had accidentally knocked over upon entering the room and set about trying to figure out which side was the lid. After a bit of contemplation, Caulk found what he thought to be the lid and carefully began prying it open, which was a surprisingly difficult task, given that he did not have a crowbar and that the crate was quite a bit smaller and more fragile than most Terran-made shipping crates. Finally, he was able to pry the crate open and, upon beholding its contents, broke down and roared with laughter for three straight minutes.

Oh man, I've gotta show this stuff to these princesses.

~

Caulk replaced the lid of the crate and flipped it upside-down, so that if he were to lift the box, its contents would spill out. He slid it to the middle of the room and sat back down in his corner, chuckling to himself and imagining all the possible reactions he would get.

About a half hour after the princesses had left Caulk, they reappeared in the "doorway," each bearing a look of confusion when they saw the crate in the middle of the room. Before they could say anything, and without saying a word either, Caulk stood up and approached the crate nonchalantly. He picked it up and grinned to himself as its contents fell out and saw the looks on the princesses faces. Because, within the crate were packages of bondage rope, vibrators, condoms and various other unidentifiable devices of primarily sexual applications.

Princess Celestia's face turned bright red and Luna's turned a deep shade of purple. Caulk was trying as hard as he could to contain his mirth at the expressions on their faces.

After a few awkward moments, Celestia finally said, "Th-those aren't ours." At that, Caulk fell on his back and burst out laughing maniacally.

"BAHAHAHA! Those were the funniest looks I've seen since I dressed up as Slender Man!" Caulk laughed, "I haven't seen that much porno stuff since college!"

Caulk continued laughing for several minutes, during which time Celestia had put all of the risque implements back in the crate and replaced the lid. The regal sisters then waited with decaying patience for Caulk to stop laughing.

Once he did, he sat up and said with feigned disappointment, "Aw, you put the stuff away!"

Ignoring him, Luna said with some annoyance, "Are you quite finished with your foalish games?"

Caulk just sighed and said, "Man, you're no fun. Yeah, I'm done. Do with me as thou wilt."

Luna and Celestia blinked at Caulk's use of the older dialect. Obviously, it was somewhat unexpected from him. Caulk grinned devilishly when he thought of just how much fun he could have screwing with the minds of these ponies.

"After some consideration," Luna began, "we have decided that we are going to keep you here in Canterlot, for as much as your safety as much as that of our subjects. We mean no offense when we say that we cannot risk you running loose in the countryside."

"Hm. So, I take that to mean I'm confined to this warehouse then, huh?" Caulk said, unhappy with the prospect of being restrained.

"If you behave, we'll let you go outside. Provided, of course, you are on a leash," Celestia quipped.

Caulk grinned at the verbal prodding. Okay, I like this one already. "I assume I would also have to be within a fenced off area?" he joked.

"Oh, of course. You also would need a shock collar," Celestia continued with a laugh. "In all seriousness though, since we are going to be stuck with you for... who knows how long, we had best be familiarized with each other."

Caulk shrugged. He didn't exactly want to stay here, wherever "here" was, but he had little doubt that his time spent would be quite a while. "Alright then, you guys go first. I'll start when everyone that needs to hear it is here. Don't like repeating myself."

"Fair enough," Luna sighed, disappointed in Caulk's unwillingness to talk anytime soon. "Well, you already know our names, so let's start there, shall we? We are the rulers of this nation that which you find yourself in: Equestria. I am the princess of the night, where my sister is the princess of the day."

"Wait, what's so important about this 'night and day' thing?" Caulk interrupted.

"Simple," said Celestia, "I raise the sun in the morning and Luna raises the moon at dusk."

"That's crap," Caulk stated plainly. He could come up with several good reasons as to why such a thing was impossible.

"You... do not believe that?"

"Nope. Basic physics, dumbass," Caulk said, "Anyone who ever took science class, and even those that didn't, know that a massive object requires a massive amount of force to move. The star that Braxis orbits has a mass of two nonillion kilograms. There is no way in hell any living being could possible exert nearly enough energy to move something that massive. Even Edis, that planet's moon, has a mass of fourteen sextillion kilograms. And Edis is small! Give me one logical explanation as to why I should believe that the two of you can move something that massive."

Caulk watched with satisfaction as the two ponies' jaws practically hit the floor. He had left them in the dust for sure.

Celestia quickly recovered and said, "Yes, but we are capable of drawing magical energy across dimensions, of which there are quite a few."

Okay, wow. I didn't actually expect an answer, Caulk thought. Still, he was skeptical. "I'll believe it when I see it. For now, I'm convinced you're just pulling my leg." Magic? Psionics?

"Very well, then. Perhaps we can perform a demonstration tonight," Luna said, as though she were proclaiming a challenge.

"I still say it's bull crap."

~~~

Following the brief meeting with Caulk, the Royal Sisters set about trying to round up each of the Elements of Harmony as well as Spike and Shining Armor. They had all been relatively easy to find, with the exception of Pinkie Pie. After about an hour or so of searching, Luna finally found her in the castle kitchen with her face pressed up against the window of an oven. When Luna asked what she was doing, she put up a hoof to silence her without even moving her face.

Without warning, a timer went off and Pinkie jumped straight into the air and started bouncing around the kitchen singing, "THEY'REREADYTHEY'REREADYTHEY'REREADY!" Then she darted to the oven, opened the door and pulled out a tray of cupcakes, which she then started decorating with different colors of frosting on each one. Luna noticed that on one she had written with frosting: "Welcome to Equestria!"

"Pinkie Pie?"

The instant Luna spoke, Pinkie whirled around and gasped when she saw the princess, and then unleashed a steady torrent of words. "Oh my gosh I didn't know you where there Princess I was busy baking cupcakes for the alien does his species have cupcakes do you think he would like them here try one!" She finished by shoving one of the cupcakes into a still-bewildered Luna's mouth.

Without having much choice in the matter,  Luna chewed the cupcake and, while Luna had genuinely tried to taste the cupcake, the actual flavor was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of sweetness that pervaded her senses.

"What do you think?" Pinkie asked quickly, her face less than half a hooflength away from Luna's.

Her eyes watering, Luna struggled to swallow the cupcake and said, "It's... very good. I am sure he will appreciate it."

Pinkie squealed with delight and grabbed the tray with her teeth. "Sho what do you need me fo'?" Pinkie said through the tray.

Luna couldn't help but smile at the pink pony's antics. "We are going to be visiting the alien right now. Bring the cupcakes if you want, maybe they will encourage him to be more of a conversationalist."

" 'ay!"

~

Luna brought Pinkie back to the warehouse where everypony stood waiting. Before, they had all been excited with the idea of meeting an alien. Now, after having been informed of Caulk's actions, they were all nervous of being in the same room as him with the exception of Rainbow Dash and Pinkie. Pinkie was ecstatic of the idea, for no other reason than that she was just being Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash, however, was wearing a determined look on her face. She apparently wanted to give Caulk a piece of her mind.

Celestia wasn't sure of whether or not she should let Rainbow yell at him, given his tendencies for violence.

"Now remember, girls," Celestia began, "this is not a being that has ever encountered our society or us to his. We cannot expect him to behave similarly to us for any reason. But be that as it may, he does have some similarities to us. You all remember Discord, correct?" Everypony nodded. "Right. He has a personality most similar to Discord's."

"Oooh! I liked Discord! He was funny!" Pinkie shouted after setting the tray of cupcakes down.

"Pinkie, he turned us all into the exact opposites of the Elements of Harmony!" Rainbow said. "If this guy's like Discord we should turn him into stone too!"

"Now, now, Rainbow. I understand your issues with him, but I only said that they share the same personality. Caulk's motives are much less malicious I assure you."

"'Caulk'?" Twilight asked, not having heard his name before.

"Ah, yes, the alien's name is Caulk. He calls his species 'Terran' and they have spread themselves to dozens of planets throughout the galaxy. They are apparently very technologically advanced. While his behavior contradicts it, he himself appears to be well educated."

"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by 'his behavior contradicts it'?" Rarity asked, picking up on this.

"What we mean is," Luna answered, "he is apparently fairly intelligent, but his behavior is... somewhat playful, and it is difficult to see past it."

"You will see what we mean soon enough," Celestia said, continuing off of Luna's statement. "Are you all ready?" They all nodded hesitantly. "Right this way, then."

Celestia guided the group past the rows of guards and approached the gap in the wall of crates. She looked around the corner of the gap and saw a bizarre sight. Caulk had apparently been pulling the crates out of the wall and examining their contents before putting them back, since the dust that had settled on them was brushed away. Caulk had one open crate against the wall, which apparently had contained a bean-bag chair. Since he was so large, Caulk was kicking it around like a hackey-sack. Seeing the massive alien doing something that required quite a bit of dexterity was... amusing, to say the least.

"Caulk?" Celestia said, trying to get his attention and trying not to laugh, "I have gotten everypony together."

Without halting his kicking the bean-bag chair, Caulk said plainly, "'Kay."

Celestia shrugged and gestured to the ponies behind her to go in. They filed into the room, Celestia in front and closely followed by Pinkie Pie. Caulk stopped kicking the bean-bag chair and put it back in its crate, which he then sat down next to, watching the ponies enter. He appeared to take special notice of Rainbow Dash and Spike.

When they were all in the room, Pinkie came trotting up to Caulk without any sense of danger, much to the visible horror of everypony else. Even when Caulk was sitting down, he was still twice as tall as the average pony. Seeing Pinkie walk up to him was like watching a rabbit approach a lion.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!" she said after putting the tray of cupcakes down in front of Caulk. "I made some cupcakes for you!"

Caulk reached down and picked up the tray of cupcakes with his thumb and forefinger. He brought it up to his face and examined the tray.

"'Welcome to Equestria'," he read, "Heh, cute. What kind of cupcakes are they?"

"Oh! There's one with chocolate one with vanilla one with strawberry filling one with custard one with-"

Applejack interrupted Pinkie with an accompanying face-hoof, "Pinkie, Ah don' think he would know what flavors those-"

"Which one's the chocolate one?" Caulk said, cutting Applejack off.

Pinkie giggled and said, "The one that I wrote on!"

"Awesome. I'll eat it later," he said, gently placing the tray on the ground next to him. He sat there, observing the ponies carefully, his rotating head the only thing giving away his cognition. "NOW!" he shouted, causing everypony to jump in surprise, "Whaddaya want?"

"Caulk, these are the ponies that woke you up. I expect you to at least be somewhat tactful," Celestia said with something of a chastising tone.

"Yes, Mum."

"Well, I guess we'd better get started then," Luna said, and began gesturing at each of the ponies as she introduced them. "This is my sister's personal student, Twilight Sparkle..."

"Uh, hello."

"Applejack..."

"Howdy."

"Rarity..."

"Er... Pleasure to make your acquaintance." Celestia noticed that Rarity was struggling not to gag when she looked at Caulk.

"Fluttershy..."

"Um... hello."

"Spike..."

"What's up?"

"Rainbow Dash and Captain Shining Armor, to both of whom I believe you owe an apology..."

Shining only gave Caulk a curt nod, which he returned, while Rainbow only gave him a harsh glare.

"And Pinkie Pie, whom you have already met."

Caulk looked at each of them intently, then, pointing to each of them in rapid succession, said, "Pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, pony, purple talking dinosaur." He finished with his finger pointed at Spike. "I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised after everything I've seen."

Spike looked a bit indignant. "I'm not a dinosaur, whatever that is. I'm a dragon!"

Caulk straightened up in surprise. "Wait, seriously? Dude, that's fuckin' awesome. Can you really breathe fire?"

"Uh, yeah?" Spike said with confusion. To demonstrate, he sucked in as much air as he could and blew a small amount of green fire in front of him.

"Sweeeeeeeeet," went Caulk with admiration.

How does he know what dragons are? Celestia thought, He's never been to this world before. "Since we're all here to get better acquainted with you, perhaps we can start by asking you how you know about dragons."

Caulk shrugged his massive shoulders. "We have myths and stories about them. They're purely fictional to us, and each story's depiction of them is different."

"Y'all don't seem all that surprised 'bout it though," Applejack observed.

"Kid, I have been to Hell, had my body torn apart on an atomic level, put back together again, and thrown into a world filled with a bunch of talking ponies. Either this is a perfectly normal phenomenon and I have no reason to feel that way, or for some reason I've gotten used to it... which is kinda disturbing, really."

Luna coughed, drawing everyone's attention to her. "Before we get too far into this, I believe Caulk owes Captain Shining Armor and Rainbow Dash an apology."

Caulk grumbled and said, "My bad."

Shining looked as though he were about to say something, but in the end he just shrugged and let it go by. Rainbow Dash on the other hoof...

"Hay yeah it was your bad! Nopony ever laughs at me! Ponies don't call me the fastest flier in Equestria for nothing, you know! I earned this title!"

"... Okay?" Caulk said, not quite getting her point, "I said it was my bad. What more do you want?"

"Fifty bits and front row tickets to the next Wonderbolt show."

"I walk down the busiest street here like a chicken and publicly announce that I suck."

"Deal!" Rainbow stuck out her hoof to make the typical hoof-bump of agreement. Caulk just stared at it for a second before bumping Rainbow's hoof with his massive, armored fist. It was almost comical to see the size difference between Rainbow's hoof and Caulk's hand.

Looking back at the group clustered around him, Caulk said, "Now, where do you guys wanna start? I've got all the time in the world."

Surprisingly enough, Rarity was actually the first to say something. "Who designed your armor, may I ask? No offense, but it is rather... atrocious."

With a laugh, Caulk said, "What, this piece-o'-crap that I can't run in? Probably some engineering firm of which the drafting department was a hundred monkeys at a hundred computers."

"Seriously."

"Pffft... Killjoy. I dunno who specifically designed it, but it was made for the Confederate Marine Corps. That answer your question?"

Celestia chuckled when Twilight's hoof shot up. How predictable.

"Yes?" Caulk sounded impatient already.

"How did you get here to Equestria?" she asked.

"Uh... through a Warp Gate. Can't tell you much more than that," Caulk said sheepishly.

Twilight looked disappointed. "You don't know how it works?"

"It does something that involves a bunch of colored lights. Also, it hurts. Like... a lot."

Twilight just rolled her eyes.

Shining spoke up and asked, "So judging by your armor, would it be correct to assume that you are a soldier of some kind?"

After a brief moment of thought, Caulk said, "Technically I'm a marine. But to be more precise, I'm a firebat."

"... And what's a firebat?"

"We get to run around and use flamethrowers. I was a little miffed when I found out I didn't get to use the C-14's, but this is pretty cool too. Next question."

Applejack asked the next one. "What about you?"

"What about me? I'm just some grunt. No one special."

"Well, Ah mean, do y'all have any family, did ya go ta school or what?"

"School? Yes. Family? No." Caulk's answer was surprisingly curt. Perhaps something had happened to his family? Whatever the reason was, he was not saying anything.

Something he had said earlier after his prank with the... box had stuck in Celestia's mind. "What was that you mentioned about dressing up as 'Slender Man' earlier?"

"Oh. That," Caulk chuckled, "That was quite possibly the greatest prank I've ever pulled on someone. I'm a pretty tall guy so I could pull the look off really well. Basically, I wore a black suit and a red tie over a white morph-suit, and stood in a corner of the main hangar at our base. The first guy who saw me when he turned the light on must've shit a brick."

Rainbow and Pinkie laughed at that. Everypony else groaned at it.

"Great, now we've got three of them," Spike muttered.

"But who exactly is Slender Man?" Celestia said. She guessed as much that it was a prank but had no idea who 'Slender Man' was.

"Oh, it's just some fakelore-ish, paranormal thing from the early days of the internet. Not many people know anything about it anymore, but they still respond to it perfectly."

Since that was apparently all Caulk was willing to say on that subject, Twilight raised her hoof again.

"Yeessss...?"

"What about your species? What is it like?"

Caulk tilted his head to the side in confusion and said, "What do you mean, 'What's it like'?"

"Well you guys are called Terrans, right? I don't know, describe them."

"Alright then, prepare for information overload." Rapidly, he said, "Terrans first evolved about two million years ago on a planet called Earth, and achieved anatomical modernity about two hundred thousand years ago. Our average lifespan is about eighty years, but there have been some people as old as a hundred and fifty. We're omnivorous, and are at the top of the food chain in every planet that we have colonized. We only managed to achieve 'modern' technology about four hundred years ago, when everything started to become digital.

"None of us think alike. Every faction, subculture and individual is unique. So fortunately for the rest of my species, there's only one of me, but, heh, that might be a problem for you guys. Because of our differences, we have a tendency for infighting, and we often war with each other to the point where it's almost cultural. We have yet to encounter another species that we have not fought against."

Twilight struggled to process all the information Caulk put forth, and when she was done she asked, "So, there are other sentient species out there?"

"Yeah. Two others, that I'm aware of. And one more that's extinct, or so I'm told, there might be evidence out there that says otherwise. Anyway, the two other races that are out there are the Protoss and Zerg."

"You mentioned the Zerg earlier, but you were never very specific about them," Luna brought up.

"They're basically a collective intelligence, like an ant or bee colony. Everything they build is alive. Their workers can mutate into different types of stationary creatures that serve different functions. You've got hatcheries, spawning pools, spine and spore crawlers, and a bunch of other stuff. We firebats are basically meant to fight Zerg exclusively, since they don't exactly seem to like fire. On top of that, they have a bunch of different strains of creatures that they have modified and implanted their genetic code into their own, so their 'armies' can range from swarms of tiny Zerglings to building-sized Ultralisks. Zerg are like locusts; when there's just one, no big deal. But when there's a million? Yeah, they might be a bit of an issue. And believe me, there are way more than a million Zerg. Thing is, they're possessed by this idea that they need to consume and assimilate all life in the galaxy, so we find ourselves fighting them a lot."

Pointing to the three parallel gashes on his shoulder plate, he said, "I actually got this scratch mark here from fighting one of their Hydralisks. I thought it looked cool, so I kept it."

"So... they're like a bunch of evil ants?" Fluttershy managed to squeak out.

"In a nutshell? Yes, that's an excellent summary."

What a strange form of creature, Celestia thought after hearing Caulk's description of the Zerg. "And what of the Protoss? I believe you have yet to talk about them."

"The Protoss are like... the opposite of the Zerg. There aren't very many of them, but they're freakishly smart and technologically advanced. On top of that, they all have strong psionic powers, kinda like what you guys have. They have a lot of their own internal conflicts, so they don't come across us very frequently. When they do, it's not exactly to have a picnic. Not unless picnics involve fights to the death with guns and laser-swords, anyway. Heh, for all I know, that could actually be true with the 'Toss. Anyway, my point is that we don't get along very well. We do have a common enemy with the Zerg, though. I know that much at least."

Rainbow Dash cocked her head and asked, "What's psionics?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, you guys probably have a different word for it. It's basically your 'magic', or whatever." Caulk made air quotes with his index and middle finger when he said "magic."

"So you have three races that are all fighting each other, two of which have internal conflicts," Shining commented, "I can see where there might be some issues."

"Well, yeah, but there are a few documented cases of Terrans and Protoss teaming up to fight the Zerg when-" Caulk was cutoff by himself yawning loudly.

Luna laughed and said, "Tired?" to which Caulk simply nodded.

"I suppose it is rather late. Go ahead and get some sleep. We will wake you when it's time."

"Alright, I think it's time we let Caulk get some sleep," Celestia told the group. Everypony, especially Twilight, drooped when they were told they had to leave, but did not otherwise complain as they exited the room. Before Celestia left as the last one out, she turned back and laughed at Caulk. He was already lying on his back with his arms resting on his stomach. "Sleep well, Caulk."

"Snore."