Celestia Inspires the Toppling of Unjust Hierarchies
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How to Name Your Princess
Celestia Inspires the Toppling of Unjust Hierarchies
He was a horse. He’d been a horse every day of his life, of course.
But today, unexpectedly, he had become a horse with wings. And there was a horn on his head.
Today, he knew what his head was. And he knew that inside his head, he was having thoughts.
Thoughts like: I’ve got wings.
Thoughts like: I’ve got a horn.
Thoughts like: I’ve never had thoughts before!
He screamed.
Screaming and kicking and careening off into the sunny sky probably hadn’t made the best impression on that blonde girl and her giant sword. Or on the numerous other people he’d nearly flattened like they were dominoes and he was a bowling ball.
He’d never thought of a simile before.
But he’d never had wings before, or thoughts like I have wings before. How had she expected him to react?
Based on her expression, not like that.
To be honest, it didn’t look like she’d expected her sword to give a horse wings and a horn in the first place. Which made two of them. Probaby three, actually, if you counted the sword.
When he pictured the girl—it came to him that her name was Adora, which he decided to roll with in much the same way he was unstably rolling through the air with his wings—he felt something more than simple airsickness. Something more than the sensation that his stomach was pressed against organs it had no business pressing against. Something else… an intuition, an instinct—wow, these new words!
Yes, it was an instinct. An instinct that told him that he was getting further away from Adora, and that it might be better to be closer to her. Not a feeling he’d ever had before for a bipedal without apples or hay in hand.
As he wobbled onwards through the sky, mulling this over, something appeared in the air next to him. The something was another horse. Flying. With wings. And a horn. Just like him.
She said, “Congratulations, Twilight.”
She said. She said.
She could talk! She was a talking horse!
He screamed.
She jolted and looked at him for the first time. And screamed back.
Another bad first impression, frankly. He didn’t stop screaming though. How else could he express quite how weird this all was?
The female horse just like him snapped her mouth shut, ending their shrill duet. He noticed that her wings were white, unlike his. She flew with effortless grace, also unlike him. Otherwise, she was just like him.
She talked again.
“You’re not Twilight Sparkle,” she said. “Who are you?”
What he thought in response to this was: No, I’m not Twilight Sparkle.
What he said in response to this was, “Neigh, neigh neigh neigh neigh-rkle!”
He hadn’t known that he could speak. After all, he’d never been able to talk before. But she could talk.
Well, actually, these strange sounds arguably suggested that he couldn’t talk. He was severely insulted by the fact he didn’t say, “No, I’m not Twilight Sparkle.” After all, she could talk.
Still, the sounds didn’t involve screaming.
The female horse looked around in astonishment and said, “Where am I? This isn’t the ethereal alicorn realm. Or Equestria.”
Equestria. He hadn’t heard of that kingdom. With a name like that, though, it must be full of horses. If there was one place he wanted to go in the world, it was to Adora’s side.
What, no. No, it wasn’t. That was a weird thought even for this day. If there was one place he wanted to go in the world, it was to the place full of horses. Duh.
The female horse said, “How did I…? This is all wrong.”
She glanced at him. “I’m sorry. I must admit I’m a little confused at this turn of events. And I can’t particularly have a conversation with you like this. Do you mind if we stop?”
He would have shrugged, except he was flying. Who was he to argue? More to the point, how could he argue?
She veered off and landed elegantly on a nearby cloud, folding up her wings regally. He followed, less than elegantly.
As he landed and daintily folded up his own wings, he did not in fact do either of these things. He kept going. In fact, he plummeted straight through the cloud and towards the ground.
The unfairness of it all would have frustrated him immensely, had he not been preoccupied by the matter of terminal velocity and immediate screaming. Why was she able to land on clouds and he wasn’t?
If he hadn’t been terrified that this would be the last time he’d scream, he would have wished that it would be the last time he’d scream.
The female horse plunged like an arrow into his line of sight. Over his screaming he managed to hear her cry, “I’ve got you!”
The horn on her head glowed yellow. In a sudden flash of light, they were somewhere else. He was no longer falling and she wasn’t flying, which honestly was a relief. Although they were still in the sky, it was immediately clear to him they weren’t in the correct sky. This sky contained stars.
Before today he hadn’t even known what stars were. But it was a well-known fact that there were no stars in Etheria; though, in truth, it was not a fact well-known by horses.
As not enough time to stop screaming had passed in the first place, he just carried on. Because of the stars, in part, and also because of the tiny little reality-breaking reality that literal teleportation was possible and it had just been done to him.
She recoiled. “Please, I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you all right?”
I’m not scared, he thought.
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” he said.
“I have an idea.” Her horn glowed again and inside his head she said, “This spell should allow me to hear your thoughts.”
You’re a talking horse! he thought. And also: hear my thoughts oh wow what?
“Neigh neigh neigh horse!” he said. And also: “AAAAAAAHHHHH?”
“Yes, I’m a talking horse, I suppose,” she answers. “Please stop screaming,” she added. “It’s hard to hear you.”
I’M A FLYING HORSE AS WELL WHERE ARE WE YOU’RE JUST LIKE ME OH SIS YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE THE DAY I’M HAVING—
She winced. “You know, I just may believe you. But please, let’s start at the beginning. What’s your name?”
NAME? THAT ISN’T THE BEGINNING, THAT STARTED WHEN THE PRINCESS—OH HEY, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I KNEW WHAT A PRINCESS IS UNTIL NOW—
“Oh, that’s a relief,” she interrupted. “I’m also a Princess.”
YOU’RE A PRINCESS? he thought.
It may be clear by now that his actual words were, “Neigh neigh neigh-cess?”
“Princess Celestia of Equestria.”
Horses could be princesses? Princesses implied kingdoms. So she had a kingdom. Equestria. Princesses and kingdoms implied castles.
Did she live in a stable like horses like him did? Or did she live in a castle on a large sparkly hill like the sparkly princess—Glimmer—did? Did she eat apples for every meal? After all, apples were every horse’s favourite thing, and royalty presumably ate only their favourite things.
“Stables?” Celestia sounded offended. “Of course not. Ponies don’t live in stables.”
The world turned on its head—hyperbolically this time, otherwise he would have fallen out of the sky again.
Somewhere, horses didn’t live in stables. That sounded great. He wanted to come from a place like that too.
“Where do you come from?” she asked. “Who are you?”
ETHERIA. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW ETHERIA? WE WERE THERE EARLIER. YOU EVEN SAID IT—
“I did not.”
YOU LITERALLY SAID ETHERIA—
“I did say ethereal alicorn realm, which is where we are now, if that’s what you’re referring to?”
HOW IS THAT NOT THE SAME AS ETHERIA—?
“I said ethereal,” she said primly. Then she sighed.
“Forgive me, this may be difficult to believe, but… I think we’re not just from different kingdoms. Believe me, I know Equestria, and you are definitely not a part of it,” she said, looking askance at him. “I think we must be from different worlds entirely. "
Ethereal, not of this world. Different worlds. Like magic.
Oh, that wasn’t hard to believe at all.
HARD TO BELIEVE? SIS—
Celestia twitched. “Please don’t call me ‘sis’.”
Noted. Ignored.
I WAS JUST TURNED INTO A FLYING HORSE, SIS, I’D BELIEVE ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It all added up. Princesses meant magic. Magic explained the whole ‘appearing out of nowhere and transporting him to somewhere else entirely’ thing. Celestia sparkled and glowed just like Adora and Glimmer. Magic definitely explained how Adora had turned him into a horse with complex thoughts. Also the wings, never forget. He flapped them to remind himself and stared at all of the colours. Stunning.
I’M STUNNING—
“I refuse to believe ‘Stunning’ is anypony’s name, and I have a friend called Rarity. Do you actually have a name?”
Well. Adora called him Horsey.
“Horsey?” repeated Princess Celestia, like she couldn’t believe it.
Now that he thought about it, neither could he. He stamped his hoof and said, “Neigh neigh neigh name.”
Meaning, what a stupid name.
Nobody else had ever called him anything though. Except Celestia herself when she popped in out of nowhere. What had she said? Twilight Glimmer?
“Twilight Sparkle,” she corrected, in a tone he could tell meant it was Very Important.
Noted. Ignored, again. Sparkle, Glimmer, what was the difference? He could name himself that.
“No, you can’t call yourself that.” Celestia ruffled her wings, looking faintly exasperated. Wasn’t that an interesting turn of phrase to cross his mind, which had previously only felt emotions in ways that didn’t feature adverbs like faintly or adjectives like exasperated?
“Twilight Sparkle is my student. When you became an alicorn...”
WEIRD WORD.
“Alicorn? Basically it means a pony with—”
He flattened his ears in disgust. EXCUSE ME, SIS, I’M A HORSE. YOU DON’T SERIOUSLY CALL YOURSELF A PONY, DO YOU?
“—A pony with wings and a horn and magic,” she continued. “We have traits of the three pony tribes: earth, unicorn, and pegasus. There are only three alicorns in existence…”
She looked at him, confused. “Except you’ve transformed into an alicorn as well. I sensed a surge of magic.”
I KNEW IT, he crowed. Magic.
“I thought Twilight was creating new magic as planned,” Celestia said. “She’s shortly to become an alicorn herself, you know.”
I OBVIOUSLY DID NOT KNOW.
“It’s a requirement of the process. So I came to help her fulfill her destiny, not only of becoming an alicorn but the new princess of Equestria as well. But... I found you.”
On some academic level this was supposed to be interesting. Celestia clearly found it interesting, in that way that makes you call things interesting to hide that they’re freaking you out. But it was actually quite boring. The thing that interested him was that she said she was going to help Twilight Glimmer become a princess.
“Sparkle,” she corrected again. “And I have to disagree. All of this is interesting… and alarming. I don’t know how this happened. Clearly, neither of us do.”
Excuse her. Adora’s shiny sword was definitely responsible.
“Sword?” Celestia repeated.
YEAH, ADORA HAS A MAGIC SWORD, BUT WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID…
“Oh yes, Twilight is to become an alicorn,” Celestia said distractedly. “All alicorns are princesses.”
She spoke factually, which made the statement sound very boring.
Wrong.
His eyes widened. WHAT.
Her ears flattened. “Wait—” she started.
I’M A PRINCESS!? he thought-screamed.
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHH,” he literally screamed. No word-neighing this time. Screaming adequately represented his feelings on the subject.
“Not necessarily!” Celestia said hurriedly. “That’s simply how it is in Equestria. But you don’t live in Equestria.”
That was irrelevant, clearly, since he had already become an alicorn.
“Twilight will transform into an alicorn, yes, but she did—well, is about to do—much more than that. She will create new magic, and she’s displayed the necessary charity, compassion, devotion—”
He had to earn it, then? He leaped up and spread his wings wide, managed not to distract himself with colours, and proclaimed: SHOW SOME VIRTUES, BE A PRINCESS, EASY.
“You can’t just say—”
I WILL LEAD A REBELLION AGAINST OUR UNJUST SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT!
“Leading a rebellion doesn’t make you—”
I WILL CREATE EQUALITY BETWEEN THE HORSES AND THE PEOPLE IN ETHERIA! NO MORE STABLES! MORE HAY AND APPLES!
“I approve of equality, and apples, but—”
I WILL BRING THIS REVOLUTION ACROSS ETHERIA! AS SWIFT AS A WIND BEFORE A STORM! YES!
He stared at Celestia triumphantly. She stared back confusedly.
“You can’t expect me to endorse this,” she said.
I’M AN ALICORN. THE ONLY ONE IN ETHERIA. AND THE PEOPLE HAVE LOADS OF PRINCESSES. I NEED TO REPRESENT THE HORSES! TEAR DOWN THE INJUSTICE!
Celestia sagged like a deflating balloon, which was frankly a better simile than the previous one he’d thought of.
“Princess? Princess Swift Wind?” she murmured.
Chills went through him. Chills of awesomeness. Swift Wind. Yes. Perfect.
SWIFT WIND, PRINCESS OF POWER! he screamed. SIS!
Celestia stared at the ground in a forlorn way. It was very off-putting.
“Why not? Why am I here? How did a sword make you an alicorn? Why did I sense it?” She shook her head slowly and sighed—forlornly. “I’ve never been all that good at the part of being a princess that requires me to deal with other worlds. That’s why I have Twilight...”
She was thinking too much. Moping. If his many thoughts had helped him to decide anything in the first hour of his life, it was that he wanted to be a horse of action. Not one of moping.
URGH, STOP MOPING, he thought. SWIFT WINDS DON’T MOPE.
“Why not?” she repeated to herself. “Princess Swift Wind. It’s a very Equestrian name. It makes as much sense as the rest of this.”
HEY. CELESTIA. SNAP OUT OF IT.
He was perturbed when saying this had no effect. But he needed to get back to Etheria and free his fellow horses. And also find Adora again. Not knowing what she was doing was starting to get annoying. His hooves itched.
I MUST GO, he thought.
“Neigh neigh go,” he said, on account of the continuing inability of his horse mouth to say full sentences.
He concentrated very hard on the instinct to get to Adora and on a vision of kicking down stable doors, carried by a delicious flood of apples and hay. Unfortunately, nothing happened.
Apparently teleportation was yet another thing that Celestia could do and he couldn’t.
He snorted and directed his gaze back to her. She hadn’t moved, staring at the stars, lost in the thoughts of somebody having their world turned upside down. Again, hyperbolically.
SEND ME BACK! he thought, and when she carried on staring at nothing because it was all in her head, he added, SIS!
Celestia twitched. “Stop calling me ‘sis’.”
He’d call her whatever he liked. After all, he was a princess. And especially since it worked at snapping her out of her funk. Besides, she was the only other winged, horned, talking horse he’d ever met. That meant she was either like his sister or like his mom.
“Swift Wind,” she said, “I’m over a thousand years old. I’m not your sister.”
I’M ONLY A THOUSAND SECONDS OLD AND I ALREADY KNOW I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, MOM—
“Oh no,” she said, her already-white face blanching from white to ghost white. “I don’t like that at all.”
COME ON THEN, SIS. SEND ME BACK! SIS. SIS. MOM.
Her horn immediately glowed. “You’re worse than my actual sister.”
YOU HAVE A SISTER?!
“Goodbye, Swift Wind!”
WHAT’S HER NAME?!
In a bright flash of light, the world turned upside down. Not hyperbolically—he was back in Etheria, falling out of the starless sky.
Honestly, if dropping him mid-air wasn’t a sisterly move then what was?
He screamed and flung his wings open. The air whipped over his rainbow feathers while he caught himself. It wasn’t graceful. In fact, how it looked would be pictured as an antonym of graceful.
But it worked, and so he soared like a fledgling horse down towards the edge of the Whispering Woods—inelegantly. The encompassing terror of facing death turned into the relieved joy of beating death, until he realised he could sense Adora down there.
He grinned. It was the kind of grin that had a life of its own because it knew it was on a face that wasn’t dead. No longer falling to your doom can do that to you.
He was Princess Swift Wind, ready to save his fellow horses from the dominion of stables and from stupid names like “Horsey”. The alicorn princess of power that Etheria needed.
At the very least, the one they had.
DOWN WITH STABLES! he cried.
“Neigh with stables!” is what he said.
At the very least, two words were better than one.
Author's Note
CATRADORA IS CANON Y'ALL asgdksagfksafhajkd
I'm so sorry but I made myself giggle writing this. c'est la vie
This is intrinsically silly. The mere presence of alicorns in both shows is its entire basis. This, despite Swift Wind being the worst. 🦄
PS: have you ever heard the audio reader read out AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH?
lmao
