Succedanea

by deathtap

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3967

One story written in the styles of some of the greatest authors in history, or FiMfic ones...

n. pl. suc·ce·da·ne·a (-n-)
A substitute.

This story takes a generic tale of one of the CMC's many misadventures and then is rewritten in a style of a great well-known author... or perhaps even a FiMFiction author if I get around to it.

It is meant to be a parody.

Published 2012-08-30 07:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-30 07:54:02 UTC

Original

Sitting in the clubhouse on a sunny afternoon, the Cutie Mark Crusaders had finished their lunch and were wondering what to do to earn their Cutie Marks. How they wanted those marks. The fillies could practically taste it. To be considered as having come of age, where they would be considered productive members of society.

Earlier that very day they had finished another failed attempt at earning their marks, and were unsettled by their near escape from a severe telling-off. They needed to be a little more careful when attempting these things.

“So, what are we going to do now? What else is there to do that we haven’t done?” Sweetie Belle couldn’t help but sigh in frustration, “We’ve tried everything!”

Her two best friends stared at her with mixed emotions. Surely they could not have tried everything; they still had not earned their marks. They had to continue on their quest of self-discovery.

“Well, what about Cutie Mark Crusaders Cave Spelunkers?” Applebloom suggested, “Remember when Fluttershy read us that one book?”

“You mean ‘Journey to the Center of Equestria’? We should try to do that!” Scootaloo’s eyes opened wide at the prospect. Journeying to the center of Equestria? Seeing ancient creatures from yesteryear? That would be so awesome!

Sweetie looked at her two friends, “Let’s search around for some caves first.”

“But there ain’t no caves in Ponyville.” Applebloom frowned, “How’re we supposed to get our Cutie Marks if we ain’t got no caves to explore?”

The girls all frowned, looking at the ground in disappointment. There were no caves in Ponyville for them to explore.

“There’s gotta be at least one cave in Ponyville! Even a small one!” Sweetie Belle squeaked, “We just gotta find it!”

“Cutie Mark Crusaders Cave Finderers!” exclaimed Scootaloo, and her two friends joined in her reverie.

Soon, the trio were off, speeding towards the nearest most likely place where a cave would be located. Carousel Boutique.

In short, the trip was a failure. Undaunted, the girls proceed to the nearest convenient location: Sugarcube Corner, where they were once again filled with disappointment as they discovered that here too, was no caves for them to spelunk.

“Whatcha girls doin’?” Pinkie Pie asked, seeing their frowning faces.

“We just wanna earn our Cutie Marks in spelunking!” Scootaloo harrumphed, “But we can’t find any caves to explore!”

“Well, why not try Fluttershy’s place? She’s sure to have a couple of caves lying around for you to spelunk,” Pinkie replied, shrugging to herself.

The three smiled instantly, and after a quick thankful hug, they zipped off as fast at their filly legs could carry them to the cottage in question, knocking on the door excitedly.

“Um... oh, hello girls. What can I do for you today?” Fluttershy asked gently as the fillies bounced up and down in front of her.

“Fluttershy, Fluttershy...” Applebloom began.

“... do you know of...” Sweetie Belle followed.

“... any caves nearby?” Scootaloo finished.

Fluttershy thought about it for a moment, then nodded, “As a matter of fact I do. Come with me girls.”

Leading them down a path at the back of her house, she walked to a small dark hole in the side of a slight rise under a tree. And there it was! A cave! In Ponyville. Pinkie was right. The girls grinned at each other, squealing in excitement as girls do.

Without any delay, the girls grabbed their equipment from their clubhouse. Everything they could remember from the book. Ropes, flashlights, emergency rations, harnesses and a camera to document their adventure.

The girls carefully prepared themselves. They had taken the helmets they used when riding along with Scootaloo and with a stretchy material that Sweetie had ‘borrowed’ from her sister, they tied their flashlights to it. Rarity wouldn’t miss a few lengths, they hoped. They slipped on their harnesses that they had used when trying to get their Zip Lining Cutie Marks, and used the rope to attach themselves together. Dividing their emergency rations amongst each other, two sandwiches and a bottle of pop, they were ready!

Taking a deep breath, they walked in together and took about five steps before coming to a stop. The light from the entrance was now too dim to see properly.

“It’s so dark in here. Let’s turn out lights on,” Applebloom said squinting hard in an attempt to see her two bestest friends.

“On three!” Sweetie giggled in anticipation, “One...”

“... two...” Scootaloo placed her hoof on the switch at the top of the flashlight.

And, “... three!” Applebloom shouted.

Suddenly three lights illuminated the cave, bathing the gloomy interiors in light.

What they had expected was a large chasm full of spectacular natural mazes, deep underwater rivers and lakes, precious gems that would twinkle like Luna’s stars under their light’s luminous gaze and other mind-boggling, wondrous things. Instead, they found themselves surrounded by dirt, worms, bugs of many kinds and spiders. The first thing they did was squeeze each other before letting out an ear wrenching scream. The insects had already started to crawl all over their fur, on their backs, behind their ears, along their stomachs, in their tails. Suffice it to say, they darted out of that cave as quickly as they could.

As soon as they were outside they started shaking themselves, jumping up and down, twirling round and round, anything they could think of in an attempt to buck off any unwanted passengers. From a distance, it almost looked as if they were working out, or inventing a new form of dance. This went on for some time, until they calmed down enough to be sure that they were clear of any and all forms of creepy-crawlies.

Happy with the knowledge they were now clear of any unwanted passengers, the Cutie Mark Crusaders all heaved a sigh of relief. That did not quite go according to plan. With a lighthearted giggle, the three fillies headed back towards their clubhouse, confident that they would continue their quest for their Cutie Marks, while wisely steering clear of any caves.

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien

Author's Note

"... His writing style was also unique in his own fashion. Tolkien excelled in portraying his imaginations in great detail with words, but he disliked using fancy vocabulary... Poetry is also another major element found in Tolkien's works that further diverged his style from others..."

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien

So it was said, that in the waning hours of the setting sun, three adventurers conspired in the secrecy of their sanctuary in the farmstead of Sweet Apple Acres. Their endeavors in earning their marks had all but failed and whilst their peers and guardians alike had assured them that their lack of mark was nothing to be concerned of, their pride and their reputation forbade them to cease their attempts. These Marks of Cute. Oh, how they longed to be in possession of these badges of honor, to be considered of age. Where they could ploy their skills in their hamlet as members of mature society.

In the morn of that very day, a failed attempt had nearly caused them much grief and retribution. Eluding their guardians had no easy task, and they were glad when they had fully evaded capture. They would need to be more careful when attempting any more such tasks in the future.

“What shall we do now? What else is there to be done that has not yet been done?" Sweetie Belle, sister of Rarity, daughter of Pearl stated with a hint of frustration, “We have tried all that we can, yet we have achieved nothing.”

Her two companions looked upon her with mixed emotions. Had they really tried all they could? Surely not. There was still no Marks of Cute upon their flanks. They had no choice but to continue on their quest of self-discovery.

“Perhaps it is we who have overlooked our potential. Do you recall the fantastic tale which was regaled to us by the one known as Fluttershy?" Applebloom, sister of Applejack, Element of Honesty, asked. "How about we earn our Marks of Cute as Cavernous Explorers. This we have not tried before."

“Ah, yes. You talk of the famous ballad. ‘Journey to the Center of Equestria’. It is indeed a glorious tale!” The one known as Scootaloo nodded, her eyes gazing off to unseen places far off in her mind's eye. Perhaps the prospect of such an epic journey had called to her soul. A tale of fearlessness and daring, to see that which had not been see in these lands for eons, it was indeed something to behold.

Sweetie's eyes looked into those of her two friends, “First, let us search begin by only exploring caves, friends, before we partake in yet another perilous adventure.”

“There are no caves in Ponyville.” Applebloom's lips formed a frown, “How is it possible for us to earn our Marks if we cannot find but one cave? We would have failed even before we began.”

Their spirits were crushed, their moods dampened. Indeed, there were no caves within Ponyville.

“Nay. There must be one! Even one that is small,” Sweetie Belle stated, “We will have to go forth and locate it.”

“Champions of the Marks of Cute Cave Discoverers!” exclaimed an overly zealous Scootaloo. Her two friends could not help but join in her reverie.

Before long the trio were off, carrying themselves as fast as their legs would carry them to the most likely of places where one could find a grotto, the domicile of the one known as Rarity, Element of Generosity, and sister to Sweetie Belle. The place known as Carousel Boutique.

Sadly, it was for naught. Still, our heroins continued, their desire to earn their Marks led them to the next nearest location: Sugarcube Corner. However, their spirits were crushed when once again they discovered there were no caves for them to explore.

“Good tidings, fellow females! Pray tell what is it that ails you?” Pinkimena Diane Pie, Element of Laughter, asked, when she spied their dour faces.

“All we desire is our Marks of Cute as Cavernous Explorers, but we have failed to even see hints of a cave for us to explore," Scootaloo said, her voice sighing resignation.

“Look not with sadness, you have not yet tried all there is! Why not try the abode of Fluttershy? If any would have knowledge of caves, surely it would be her," Pinkie shrugged to herself.

Three smiles instantly formed on the faces of her charges, and they embraced her with mirth and joy. Once more they rapidly ventured off, towards the home of Fluttershy. They knocked excitedly on the door barely able to contain themselves.

“Um... oh, how fare thee, young maidens?” Fluttershy asked, the gentleness in her voice befitting her title as the Element of Kindness.

“Fluttershy, oh Fluttershy...” Applebloom started.

“... please inform us...” Sweetie Belle continued.

“... of any nearby caves?” Scootaloo completed.

There was a moment of silence as Fluttershy thought before nodding to the three, “I do know of one. Follow, if you please."

She led them behind her home and along the eastern side of the small rise under the roots of a great tree, there she revealed an entrance. The dark hole beckoned to the three young adventurers. The Element of Laughter had been correct and the heroins could barely contain their excitement.

Without further ado, the girls retrieved their equipment from their sanctuary. All they could recall from the ballad, they brought. Ropes, torches, rations, belts and a camera to recall their enterprise.

Carefully preparing themselves for the coming excursion, the sang a song of old as was done many a time before, save this time they modified it to suit the times.

First we had best put on our helms,
To protect our precious little pates,
For our journey beneath the realms,
With a material that can stretch,
Torches we will attach for our mates,
Our Marks of Cute we will fetch,
We will traverse together,
Deep into Equestria's interior,
Far below the surface and into the dark,
We will each earn our Cutie Mark.

The harnesses which they had salvaged from their Zip Lining attempt were placed over their bodies, and a rope was then tied, securing them together. Now it was time to divide the rations. They counted two pieces of bread with some delicious jam in between as well as a bottle of fizzy liquid. With their preparations ready, it was time to go.

As they approached the tunnel entrance, Pinkie barred their path. She held up her hoof as they approached.

"Are you mad? One does not simply walk into caves. Its interiors are infested by more than just blackness. There are creatures there that do not sleep. Their creepy eyes are ever watchful. It is a soggy soil, riddled with roots, mud, and animal doo-doo. The very air you breathe is a smelly one. Not with ten ponies could you do this. It is folly."

"We'll be fine, Pinkie," the three assured.

The pinkie pony took a step aside and let the adventurers proceed.

They walked through the entrance together, taking a mere five steps before coming to a halt. The light from Celestia's sweet sun could not reach here.

“Let us ignite our torches,” Applebloom said as she strained to peer into the depths and at her friends.

“Very well. On the count of three,” Sweetie laughed excitedly, “One...”

“... two...” Scootaloo placed her hoof on the flint and placed it against her torch.

“... three!” Applebloom called.

Scootaloo struck her flint, igniting her torch instantly. She shared her flame with the others and soon three lights illuminated their surroundings.

Expecting too see a large chasm with natural mazes, perhaps deep underwater rivers and lakes, and the gleam of precious gems covering the walls and ceilings and more amazing things, they were severely disappointed. What they found was dirt, worms, bugs of many kinds and spiders. Fear gripped the young heroins as they pulled one another in a tight embrace before ~~blowing on the Horn of Gondor~~ screaming at the top of their lungs. Creatures of the deep had begun to find their way onto their on their backs, embedding themselves within their fur. Their departure from the cave was as swift as a falcon hunting its prey.

Shaking themselves, jumping up and down and twirling around, the three fillies did their best to shake off any unwanted passengers. Perhaps, to the untrained eye, it would seem that they were performing some exotic dance. They continued until their were satisfied they were clear of any intruders. Then the Cutie Mark Crusaders sighed in relief and although their quest had not gone as intended, the three fillies were still optimistic. They started towards their clubhouse, fully intending to continue their attempts at earning their Mars of Cute, perhaps wisely staying clear of any caves.

Edgar Allan Poe

Author's Note

"Edgar Allan Poe was heavily influenced by the misfortunes in his life so that morbid stories were the root of his writings. Many of his critics identified Poe with the characters in his pieces-- deranged and peculiar. His stories deal with dark things such as death, guilt, revenge, and gloomy morbid topics..."

Edgar Allan Poe

Sitting in the clubhouse on a sunny afternoon, the Cutie Mark Crusaders ate their lunch quietly. Thoughts of defeat and resignation wallowed in their minds. What did they have to do to earn their Cutie Marks? They wanted to be considered adults, like most of their peers who had already earned their places in society. Instead, they were nothing more than foals in their eyes, unable to be taken seriously.

Earlier that very day they had escaped another failed attempt with their lives. Earning their marks had nearly cost them dearly, but perhaps it would have been better not to have lived. They practically died on the inside when they thought they were going to be verbally abused by their elders. Perhaps it was because of sheer luck that they managed to escape their punishment. Perhaps not. Perhaps their caretakers cared nothing for them, and had secretly wished their blunder cost them more than just embarrassment.

“What now? What else is there to do? We’ve tried everything and achieved nothing,” Sweetie Belle's voice had a resigned whine to it, perhaps she was tired of repeatedly proclaiming their inability to succeed.

Her two best friends stared at her dejectedly. They had tried it all but had no choice but to continue their pointless struggle in hopes of earning their elusive marks.

“How about Cutie Mark Crusaders Cave Spelunkers?” Applebloom suggested, “After all, since we are lower than dirt, I think it would appropriate. I was reminded of it because of Fluttershy, when she ordered us to read that one novel.”

“Ah, yes. You are referring to ‘Journey to the Center of Equestria’. The tale was fascinating, unlike ourselves. Can we even attempt such a thing?" Scootaloo frowned. Journeying to the center of Equestria? She could already hear the laughter of those that looked down on her, their mocking insults opening new wounds.

Sweetie sighed as her eyes fell onto her two friends, “Let us look for a cave first. After that, we can decide where our path will take us.”

“There are no caves in Ponyville!” Applebloom shouted, slamming her hoof onto the table, “How are we supposed to get our Cutie Marks if there aren't any caves to explore?”

Scootaloo took Applebloom by her shoulder, and slapped her, "Calm yourself. This is no time to panic."

Applebloom merely turned her face away, "There is nothing for us here..."

“No." Sweetie slowly rose up from her seat, "There must be at least one cave for us here in Ponyville! Even if it is a small one, we must take that chance.”

“Then should we called ourselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders Cave Discoverers?” asked a sarcastic Scootaloo, still a little apprehensive. Her two friends nodded solemnly. It would be better than nothing.

The trio were off, speeding towards Carousel Boutique, trying hard to not get their hopes up. They were quite correct in trying to prevent their hopes from being raised as there were no caves there, and as the disappointment fully sunk into their souls, they could barely contain the nausea that threatened to expunge itself onto the ground.

Still, there was a spark of hope in their otherwise deplorable lives. In the distance the spotted the colorful frame of the shoppe known as Sugarcube Corner. The faded glory of this magnificent structure bespoke of good times come and gone, and now was a mere shell of its former self. Even here they were met with stagnant disappointment.

“You fillies! By Celestia, what are you doing here?” Pinkie Pie asked, gazing at their frowning faces.

“Dear Pinkie, beg your pardon, we didn't mean to disturb you," Scootaloo bowed her head humbly, "but we just want to find a cave for us to earn our Cutie Marks."

“Well, you're not going to find any here. So, begone with you!" Pinkie waved a dismissive hoof.

"Please, ma'am, we only ask for some advice."

Turning away from their sniveling faces, a moment of pity took a hold of the pink mare. After all, she was once a Blank Flank, much like them. Why not lend a helping hand?

"Have you tried Miss Fluttershy? Surely one who is as in tune with nature such as her would be able to assist you further."

At last, a glimmer of hope. The three fillies smiled and Pinkie could not help but return one as she watched the three fillies gallop off into the distance. For a moment, it seemed, that Celestia's sun shone brighter.

There was abrupt and excitable knocking on Fluttershy's door.

“What do you want?” A grumpy, totally out of character Fluttershy asked in a deep gruff voice.

"O Fluttershy! O usually shy one! - why does your voice sound so deep? - please help us be Conquerors of something we have not once conquered? Are we not part and parcel in three? Who - who knoweth the mysteries of the lack of caves and knowledge pertaining as thus? Ponies doth not yield us to the pegasi, nor unto death utterly, save only through the weakness of our feeble will." Applebloom bowed low.

Fluttershy thought for a moment, "I have no idea what you just said."

"Are there any caves nearby?" Sweetie asked, hope lacing her words.

“Well, why didn't you just say so. As a matter of fact there is. Follow.”

Leading them down a path that led from the back of her house, she walked past a small cemetery covered with a thick mist that seemed to originate from the Everfree Forest. A cold, sad atmosphere made the girls shiver. Finally, they were led to a small entrance under a large gravestone.

Indeed, it was a cave, but it was also the entrance to what seemed to be a catacomb.

"I lay my pets in there to rest," Fluttershy said quietly, "Please do not disturb them if you do go. The dead do not like being awoken."

Returning to their clubhouse, the girls grabbed their equipment. Everything they could think of they brought. Ropes, lamps, rations, harnesses and a camera.

Preparing themselves, the helmets used when riding with Scootaloo were placed on their heads. Lamps were filled with water and calcium carbide. A strong, firm material was taken by Sweetie from her sister, and with it they tied their lamps to their helmets. Next they slipped their harnesses on tied themselves together with rope. Finally they divvied up their rations, two sandwiches and a bottle of sweet liquid. And with that, they were ready.

Taking a deep breath, they traversed inside together. The light from the entrance was no longer bright enough for them to see properly.

“Let us light up our lamps." Applebloom said squinting hard in an attempt to see her two companions.

“Here, a match,” Sweetie handed it over to Applebloom who had lowered her helmet to the ground, opening the carbide lamp's glass as she released the water from the top half of the 'battery'. Soon, the faint hiss of acetylene gas escaping from the chemical reaction could be heard, and the match was struck.

“Hurry up and light it. I fear that this place will take my soul,” Scootaloo said in a half-whisper, the words of Fluttershy still ringing in her ears. What if they really did wake the dead?

"There!” Applebloom nodded as the gas lit up and she closed the lamp to prevent the flame from being blown out.

Suddenly three lights illuminated the cave, bathing the gloomy interiors in light.

While they had expected something unsavory, their expectations were met and then some. They found themselves surrounded by skeletons, the decaying corpses of creatures, dirt, worms, bugs of many kinds and spiders. Huddling together, they let out an ear splitting scream before dropping their lamps and bolting back towards the entrance.

Shaking themselves as hard as they could, rubbing their hooves over their bodies and jumping around, they attempted to throw off any and all unwanted passengers. It may have seemed, to the innocent bystander, that they may have witnessed some strange cultish exhibition. This went on for some time, until they were confident that no foreign pests remaining.

With the confidence that they were in the clear, the Cutie Mark Crusaders heaved a collective sigh of relief. Their reverie did not last long, as once again they had failed to achieve that which they desired. Dejected, the three fillies headed back towards their clubhouse -- their only consolation was the ability to try again. However this time they would be steering clear of any caves.