Charmed Robbery

by TheKMExperience

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Human, Other, Equestria Girls, Pinkie Pie (EqG), Cheese Sandwich, Comedy
Length: 1005

Hands up, fool!

A strange duo of armed robbers take a convenient store robbery to an unexpected new level...

WARNING: abandon all logic. This is Key & Peele level weird and random.

Confused? Good. :pinkiecrazy:

Published 2020-06-19 12:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-19 12:40:01 UTC

Charmed Robbery

"Alright, that'll be $3.59, sir."

At a normal convenience store, business is going adequately smooth like most do. There, a mischievous little girl quietly sneaks a bag of chips and a pack of cookies into her jacket's pockets before casually strolling toward the exit.

"Next in line?" the clerk chimes.

The thieving young girl's sly little escape attempt is suddenly halted as two ski-masked robbers come storming in, guns raised.

"EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, RIGHT NOW!!!" one of them barks in a high-pitched voice.

Frightened by the confrontation, the small panicking crowd follow their orders.

"Alright, you all know how this goes," the second robber nods. "Anybody moves, you're kaput! Anybody tries to call the police, you're history! Anybody does anything that we don't tell you to do, you're finished!"

"Now, as for why we're here," the squeaky-voiced robber grunts. "Whoa, hey, what are you doing there?"

"I-I'm getting you the money." the clerk gulps, holding a thick stack of cash in her quivering hands.

"Nopety nope, that's not why we're here."

"Then what are you guys doing he-"

"Compliment me!"

Everyone else stares on in confusion, taken aback by the robber's bizarre demand.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you-"

"I said COMPLIMENT me, right now!"

"Y-YOU HAVE REALLY NICE EYES!"

The robber lowers the gun and lifts the ski mask over their forehead, revealing the face of a bubbly pink female.

"Aww, you really think so?" she coos innocently. "Thank you very much!"

"What's h-happening here?" the little girl stutters.

"Did we say you could speak?" the second robber growls, stomping towards her aiming his firearm. "That's right, you don't talk unless you're talking about how we're best friends!"

"What? You don't want money?"

"MONEY IS NOTHING IN COMPARISON TO THE VALUE OF FRIENDSHIP! NOW SAY WE'RE BEST FRIENDS, OR YOU GET BLASTED!"

"Okay, okay, we're best friends!" the girl whines, holding her hands up high.

The second robber lifts his mask up as well, revealing an upbeat, light-orange male giving a cheerful, trusting smile.

"It really means alot that you said that." he nods warmly, patting the girl on the back.

"Hey, Cheese!" the pink robber calls out.

"Yeah, Pinkie?"

"I love the HECK outta your shoes by the way, I forgot to mention!"

"Thank you! I got them using reward points at Foot Locker!"

"That's AWESOME, man!"

"It is, but not as awesome as your impeccable smile!"

"You know, I really appreciate that. Does anyone else think this robbery is going well?"

"U-Uh, yeah," the clerk utters, letting her guard down. "I-I think you two are doing a great job."

"You are too, miss. NOW WHO HERE IS PROUD OF US?!"

"You, little girl?" Cheese says, poinying his weapon towards her direction.

"S-Sure, yes, sir." she squeaks, sweating profusely.

"What about you, kid?" Pinkie asks, staring daggers at a teenage boy.

"You know what, actually," he says, moving in for a fist bump. "I am. Good for you."

Cheese clutches his gun tight as he turns his attention to a shaking, middle-aged man. "And what about you......DAD?" he hisses, cocking his gun at the man intensely.

"What? I-I'm not your dad." he utters bluntly.

"He said are you PROUD of us, father!"

"I-I don't know what to say here."

"That's 'cuz you're withholding emotions!" Cheese grunts.

"Your lack of physical and emotional presence drives us to act out in order to gain your affection!" Pinkie states, voice slightly cracking.

"See, THIS is why we have to rob people for love."

"We do this for YOU, papa!"

"This is what happens when you say you'll come to my swim meet and you don't show up. So I get nervous, and slip into the pool!"

"They called poor Cheesy here 'Slippy No-Dad'!"

"They said 'Slippy No-Dad' has NO dad, and he slips!"

"And might I add that is VERY redundant!"

"SAY YOU'RE PROUD OF US, DAD! SAY IT NOW, SAY IT NOW!"

"Alright, alright, I'm proud of you!" the man huffs.

Pinkie and Cheese's lips quiver as they both suddenly break down, walking over and sobbing against the befuddled man's shoulders, pulling him in a tender, heartfelt hug.

"W-We love ya, dad!" Pinkie whimpers, holding him tight.

"So m-m-much, dad!" Cheese wheezes.

"I, um, I don't know..." the man mumbles hesitantly, quite clearly at a loss for words. "Well, I-"

"Well, aren't you gonna say it back then?" the clerk asks, trying to hold back tears.

"S-Say it back," Cheese pouts, burying his head into the man's arm.

There, he finally gives in and holds the two crying criminals close. "I love you too," the man sniffles as his eyes begin to tear up. "M-My children!"

The three begin to sob uncontrollably in each other's caring embrace, saying their sincere "I love you's" and promising to see each other at more swim meets in the future under all their incomprehensible blubbering.

Meanwhile, during the oddly tender moment, the little girl carefully swipes a few more snacks and treats before slinking over to the cash register, snatches away the thick stack of cash on the counter right from under the emotionally touched clerk's nose and flees the scene as the teenage boy watches on in utter disbelief.

After a prolonged crying session, the sounds of police sirens growing louder in the distance interrupt the moment. Soon, police cruisers come rolling in on the scene from all directions.

"THIS IS THE POLICE!" a voice boomed through a megaphone outside. "WE HAVE YOU COMPLETELY SURROUNDED! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP, AND NO ONE GETS HURT!"

The man takes a quick look at his startled "children" before yanking Pinkie's gun right out of her hand and cocking the weapon proudly.

"They're not taking my babies." he grunts, putting Cheese's gun in his back pocket before courageously walking toward the automatic doors. "You two wait right here."

"Daddy, come back!" the two whine.

THE END?

This seems like some weird Key & Peele sketch the more I look at it, lol...