People Love to Hate on "Hearts and Bones", But It's Actually One of My Favorite Paul Simon Albums!
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Struggling to Title This Story, I Was Going to Call it "'Conversations and Love Songs' is a Paul Simon Compilation from 1988, But This Story Only Contains Conversations, Not Love Songs", But It Turns Out It's Actually "Negotiations and Love Songs".
People Love to Hate on "Hearts and Bones", But It's Actually One of My Favorite Paul Simon Albums!
I stare at the bright colored screen before me. So many possibilities. So many directions I could pilot my ship of destiny into the vaccum of endeavors before me. The future is bright, my options open, my paths winding, and my choices... my own.
"I wonder," I say aloud, "at what point does me having random introductions to my stories in which I break the fourth wall and make them meta stop just being lazy and start being a pathetic self-parody of sorts. Does the fact that this is a shitfic excuse it? Or is that a weak excuse itself? For even a shitfic should be well-written in its shittyness. But alas, I have grown lazy and delinquent in my writing, and so, it is time for us to once again, indulge in a shitfic."
" Sir, this is a Wendy's,"
"Right, sorry, my apologies. Starlight, what did you say you wanted?"
Starlight glimmer, riding shotgun in my car, responded "I'm vegetarian, remember? Like I'm a fucking pony currently in a human body. What part of us almost never eating meat is unclear?"
"Right, well they do have plenty of non-meat options here. Their potatoes are pretty good. And my boyfriend Jack who is visiting from Chicoltgo really likes their lemonade."
From right to left: Me, and my boyfriend jack
"Okay well, as I said I'm not super hungry. Going through that portal kind of kills your appetite. So yeah, just give me a potato and I guess some lemonade."
"So, Starlight, what do you think we should do in this story? We still have a tick under 750 words to kill before I can publish it and get the usual five to ten upvotes, seven to sixteen downvotes, and about eight comments, three of which are my own."
"Super, have you ever considered maybe you're thinking too small? Like I know you're afraid of big long stories because you know you won't be able to finish them, but at least you used to try, you know? Like, I know a big problem with Trixie is that she's really smart and talented, but she almost never applies herself because she's forgotten how to believe in herself."
Well Starlight, If this were a Facebook comment section, I would tag the tag group listen, next time just @ me, okay?, but alas it isn't.
Super, aren't you worried about how meta this story is? I don't want you getting in trouble with the mods yet again.
"I mean, 'No Meta' seems to be one of the least enforced rules on this site. As long as I don't actually mention FimFiction, we should be fine.
Starlight gave him a deadpan look.
"Oh, lol, oops. Well, here's hoping this story doesn't get deleted. Would be kind of crazy if it did. You'd basic disappear from existence.
Starlight gave him another deadpan look. "Super, I'm already an imaginary creature. It's not like I can be more imaginary."
"Well, I mean, to the poor souls who thought reading this would be a productive use of their time, yes, you and even I--at least as a pony avatar of the author--are purely imaginary. But within our world, what may be fictional to them is very real to us, just as Rainbow Dash's craptastic My Tiny Gecko fanfiction may be fiction to us, but to the small colorful geckos of Geckoburg, it is very real--and awful, I might add; Dash makes me look like a regular Gabriel Guanaco Marquez."
Starlight stared agape at Super. "Guanaco, really? Did you just browse Wikipedia so you could find a suitable South American ungulate pun.
"Oh, absolutely," Super replied proudly.
Starlight shook her head and sighed. "I don't understand how you can be so brilliant and dumb at the same time."
"You're one to talk. You're dating Trixie!"
Starlight sighed. "Okay, you got me there. You're honestly a bit more self aware than her too."
"You know, Starlight," Super said, changing the subject, "I've been doing a little research on Pony Max Stirner, and--"
"Pony Max Stirner? Starlight huffed. Dude, are you even trying anymore?"
"Bold of you to suggest I ever was. But anyway, dude's a lot like Discord. His thing is Egoism. I'm not super sure on the specifics because I rarely actually read actual books, but he was basically about being true to yourself. He was somewhere between an AnCap and a Marxist, weirdly enough. Anyway, I've been getting more anarchist-y lately."
"Super, I'm a communist. Or at least conservatives and liberals' stereotype of one. I know who Stirner is."
"Oh, I know," Super replied. "This is just exposition for the audience."
Starlight rolled her eyes. "What even is the point to this story? I swear this is like Waiting for Pony Godot but dumber."
"See, that's the thing, Starlight, I have a very broad but shallow knowledge. I'm familiar with Waiting for Godot, and in fact, in the vein of me knowing tons of facts, I know there actually is a "Waiting for Pony Godot" in existence. I believe it also got into the Royal Canterlot Library, but I'll have to check that. Let me check, hold on.
EWaiting For Celestia
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are ponies.
Bronetheus ·
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"Yep, it exists, though I'm too lazy to track down whether it is in the RCL. Wait, actually I know an easy way to check.
https://royalcanterlotlibrary.net/2015/07/03/bronetheus-waiting-for-celestia/ AHA! Fuck yeah, I was right! Anyway, the point is, Starlight, while I am familiar with that story which I now am remembering is actually a play, I haven't actually read (or since it's a play, seen) it."
"Okay, but my question still stands, what is the point of this story? Other than getting ~~McDonalds~~ Wendy's, we've done jack shit."
"Well, we could make this into a feghoot if you wanted."
Starlight sighed. "You and your fucking feghoots. The thing is, feghoots have to go somewhere, not just be random shaggy dog stories, and the only place this story is going is in the badfic bin."
Super Trampoline made a pouty face. "Can I at least tell you what it was going to be?"
"Sure, I guess. It's not like this fictional version of me seems to have much she particularly needs to do, given that I'm having this inane converstation with you."
"Okay, so," Super began, "We'd be dancing with each other, but instead of facing each other, our butts would be touching. We'd be dancing cheek to cheek!"
Starlight just double facehoofed something like this: 
"Super, when you can write almost anything you want here, why does what you actually write come out so boring and stupid?"
Super smiled wanly, himself now sighing. "Starlight, it's because I'm too nice to imaginary characters. It's why I can't write parodies of really dark stories even though I want to. For the same reason I never kill people just for funzies in videogames, I can't write cruel things happening to the ponies I love in my fanfiction."
"Okay, well then, write good things happening to them."
"Okay, but I don't want to break character."
Starlight's eye's narrowed. "Try me."
"Okay," Super replied. Starlight lunged at him and they started making out.
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Haha apparently I was accidentally holding down the enter key while carrying my laptop to another room, lol.
Author's Note
