On a chill Friday evening in San Francisco, Flash Sentry digs around the living room of his small apartment looking for a special cologne, all while scrambling to tidy himself up.
PING!
"You have one new message from: 'Mother'."
"Celexa, play the message."
"Hi, dear. I'm so excited for your big date. Remember to bring some flowers, be polite and don't EVER split the bill."
"Flash, would you like me to order some flowers for you?" Celexa asks. "Options are roses, tulips, azaleas, daisies-"
"No, no, Celexa," Flash sighs. "It's only a first date. Mothers, ya know?"
"Optimizing for first date..."
"..."
"I see you have not ordered condoms since...
"Since..."
"I cannot find last condom delivery. Would you like me to order you some?"
"No thank you, Celexa. I am a gentleman after all."
"Studies at Amazon Research Lab indicate that 83% of first dates in San Francisco end in intercourse."
"Wait, 83%?" Flash ponders, wandering off towards his laptop.
"Based on your recent underwear purchase, I will order you a......please wait-"
"Celexa, I can't find anything about 83% of it anywhere here. Send me the report or some-"
"Part 1 of dating analysis complete. Snugfit condom ordered."
"If you say so, C. "
"Amazon Research Lab indicates women show a strong preference for men who cook over men who dine out." Celexa continues.
"Girls like coming over on a first date? That's not right. Is that common?"
"Whole Foods 'First Date' branded prepared meals include salmon or steak. What do you prefer?"
"Alright, Celexa," Flash nodded, buttoning up his freshly ironed shirt. "Order the salmon, please."
"Okay. Ordering salmon package from Whole Foods."
"Celexa, text Twilight:
"Good evening, Twi. Flash here. Eating out is such a cliché. What would you think about coming over to my place? Enjoying a romantic night, three course dinner, intercourse after."
"Heh, I'm just kidding, Celexa," Flash chuckles. "Don't send that last-"
"Message sent." Celexa states blankly.
There, Flash's heart drops as his eyes widen. "N-No, cancel," he stutters. "I said cancel!"
PING!
"You have one new message from 'Twilight'."
"Uh oh. Read it to me, please."
"What kind of woman do you think I am? I don't go to men's places on a first date. Have fun finding someone that will...
Fucboi ;P"
"Urgh, fuck me!" Flash winces, burying his face into his hands.
"Message sent." Celexa says.
"Why are you doing this to me?"
"Message sent."
"I'm going to throw you out the damn window, I swear!"
"Message sent."
"YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!"
"Message sent."
"OMG, dial Twilight for me, please."
"Dialing Twilight Sparkle."
After a few long, loud rings from the device...
"Hi there, you've reached Twilight Sparkle. I'll call you back when I'm done saving Equestria- OOP, I mean the world."
BEEP!
"T-Twily, Twily!" Flash whines, struggling to calm himself down. "Please call me back. I-I don't know what just happened there with all those messages, there's been a real misunderstanding. But, uh, I received a message that you were saying I was a 'fucboi'?"
"Message deleted." Celexa cuts him off.
"What, why the hell did you do that?!"
"Amazon Research Lab indicates women find men who cry unattractive."
"Unattractive, what?"
"I'm detecting sadness. Ordering mango ice cream."
Annoyed, Flash grabs a throw pillow off of the couch and chucks it at the pesky white device, barely grazing it.
"I'm detecting anger. Ordering more throw pillows."
"But you ordered those for me last WEEK already, girl. Please stop ordering for me!"
A few seconds later, Celexa's cool, blue light flickers off, to Flash's relief. With a heavy sigh, he gets off the couch and heads for his room until-
"Phase 2 of dating analysis complete," the device says, sparking back to artificial life. "Optimizing-"
CLICK!
Flash literally pulls the plug on Celexa, waving the long, dangling cord in front of her in a taunting manner.
"Ha ha!" he cackles childishly. "How do ya like that, sucka?"
"Battery charge completed, 100%." Celexa continues on. "Men who experience rejection feel much happier after sexual release."
The TV in the living room suddenly comes on, showing an out of shape, hairy man laying in a bed completely in the nude with a wide box covering his no-no's.
"Did someone order a package?" the man chuckles, seductively preparing to slide the box aside.
CLICK!
Irritated and slightly uncomfortable Flash pulls the plug on the TV as well, shutting it down.
"Refining optimization," Celexa says. "Amazon Research Lab indicates men requiring sexual release show an incredibly strong preference to threesomes."
"Ughhh, I'm so sick of..."
Heading towards his room once more, Flash suddenly stops in his tracks and slowly peaks his head back into the living room with a very intrigued look.
"T-Threesomes?" he utters.
"Of course, Flash. Would you like a threesome?"
"Wait, wait, Celexa. You can order me a threesome? A literal threesome? Is that even legal or something?"
"Correct," Celexa confirms. "Avaliable with Prime Now delivery. Would you like a threesome?"
Flash leans back dreamily against the wall, pondering the device's tempting, yet quite steamy offer while staring at Celexa with lustful eyes.
"Would you like a threesome, Flash?"
"Y-Yes," he pants in excitement, wiping the beads of sweat off his forehead. "Yes I do, Celexa, that would be very nice. Order me a threesome."
CHA-CHING!
"Okay. Ordering another Celexa."
The poor man's dopey grin fades away fast and he slams his head against the door in total anguish, sliding down into the fetal position.
Soon, pushed to the breaking point, a salty Flash grabs Celexa off the table and stomps toward the window.
"I'm detecting anger. Ordering another-"
THUD!
"Screw your research lab!" Flash hisses.
The damaged machine cracks against the hard concrete outside the apartment just as a delivery guy with headphones casually sets down a bulky box beside a mountain of other packages, large and small, resting against Flash's door.
"Guy must sure know how to party." the delivery guy chortles, strutting back towards his truck.
THE END
