“Here you go, Miss.”
Miss. I’ve always hated that word. Well, not always. It didn’t really bother me when I was younger, but that was then. I still don’t know why, but whenever I hear it I get this uncomfortable crawling in my stomach.
“Thanks…” I half-heartedly replied as I grabbed the bag of groceries in my magic.
“Are you all right, dearie?” the cashier asked with concern. I subtly cringed as she spoke.
I didn’t give her a response as I walked away staring at the ground, not wanting to burden somepony else with my troubles. Even if I was worth the time… No, stop. I told Lily that I’d stop this.
Sighing, I began to ponder what was wrong with me. I shouldn’t be so upset at the simple mention of a word like miss, right? She doesn’t even know me, so why would that bother me?
My thoughts drifted to my cutie mark; a big red heart with white outlines and two smaller hearts surrounding it. It was supposed to represent how I always know what to say to make ponies happy, but how can I do that when I can barely keep myself happy? If I didn’t have Lily I…
Shaking my head I looked up to notice I had already arrived back at campus. I couldn’t tell whether to smile or frown.
On the one hoof, I’d get to see Lily again. But on the other, I didn’t think I had enough energy to hide my insecurities from her. Not that it would have mattered; that mare can pry anything from me.
The main hall at the entrance was a fancy place, bursting with color that was bright enough to catch your eye but subdued enough to not seem tacky. It would have felt right at home in Ponyville, but even in Canterlot it still managed to fit with its surroundings.
It was well-maintained sure, but our wise guy principal thought it was a good idea to put a bunch of mirrors around to help show you how beautiful you are.
I barely heard the stallion at the front desk, trying to ignore his annoying attempts to flirt with me.
This in particular bothered me the most. I wasn't angry because I was already taken or just not into stallions. No, I was angry because that's what he expects me to be. What everyone expects until I tell them otherwise. Except, I don't tell them anything.
I just hope that they'll leave me alone. Some are irritatingly persistent.
Shaking my head angrily I continued towards my room.
Well, not just my room. Lily was always trying to make it very clear it was our room, not just mine or hers. It was one of the charms that really drew me to her.
For as long as I've known her she's always been one to share things with others. Always offering her last piece of candy or some extra cash she was planning on spending on something else.
In many ways she always makes me feel bad about how mopey I’ve been lately. She’s probably the best roommate I could ask for, helping me out whenever I feel confident enough to ask or just being there for me. But here I am acting like some stereotypical goth who acts like they’ve been a victim their whole lives.
I pushed open the door to…our room and placed the bags quickly on the squeaky-clean counter to sort out later.
A lavender-blonde mare stared back at me with sad, depressed, golden eyes; her mane a long flowing stream. I stared for what felt like hours before I wrenched my gaze away from the counters surface and shook my head.
Something just never felt right when I saw that image. What was it? The colors, the shape, the style? It always blended together into this mesh of dissapointment and anger.
Tears stung in my eyes as I let my mind batter me with questions, the groceries forgotten. My legs collapsed from under me and I cried as silently as I could, not daring to inconvenience Lily with my problems.
It seemed my efforts were in vain as I felt a pair of strong hooves embrace me from behind. No questions were asked, just a mutual understanding between me and her as I turned and buried my face in her chest.
My tears matted her magenta fur and she stroked my mane gently, an unusual softness that I didn’t see very often. Even through the haze of my emotions, it was comforting. We stayed embraced, the room silent other than my sobbing and her whispered assurances.
”It’s okay.”
Eventually, my sobbing quieted down, but that didn’t stop my self hatred from spreading through every inch of me.
Shouldn’t I be cheerful? That’s what my cutie mark says at least. Why am I such a failure? I...I can’t even live up to the potential of my special talent. I’m...
”It’s okay.”
I sniffed through my nostrils trying to clear them up. “No, it’s not okay!” I shouted as she held me. “It’s not okay, it never will be okay! I’m worthless!”
”Dinky, stop! You’re not worthless!” she held me ever so slightly tighter, her tough, familiar grasp calming me a bit. “Just, please. Tell me what’s bothering you, I want to help.”
”I…” I tried to bury myself deeper in her fur. “I can’t…”
”Yes you can, Dinky. You might not think so, but you’re the strongest pony I know. I might have super strength, but that’s nothing compared to you. You’ve always been so helpful and kind to others, always bringing out their happiness. I want to do that for you, so please, tell me what’s wrong.”
Her words sparked something in me and I sniffled, feeling a different stream of tears build up. “Promise?”
”Promise.”
I wrapped my own hooves around her and nuzzled into her in a hopeful joy. This is Lily, my best friend in the whole world. If anyone could help…
”I… whenever I look at myself I feel this hatred that I just can’t understand. Everytime I hear somepony call me miss or lass or even dearie, I just can’t stand it. They expect things from me and always insist that I should be like what they think I should be, even if they don't say anything.
"I look in the reflection and see somepony undeserving of love, and that I should just run far, far away so I don't hinder anypony else.
”Y-you’re the only one keeping me from acting on those thoughts, because I know how much pain it would cause you. I… I hate being a mare!!”
At the end of my emotional exposition I was breathing hard and shuddering in Lily’s hold. She nuzzled my cheek to comfort me and just held me close.
”You don’t have to be.”
”W-what?”
”If you really hate being a mare then you don’t have to.”
”I don’t? But, how?”
I couldn’t see her face, but I could feel her concerned smile shining at me. She loosened her hold to look at me and her smile was as radiant as I had imagined.
”Dinky, you know I will support you through every step, every hurdle. All you have to do is embrace it. Let yourself be happy. Please. I can’t see you like this anymore.”
Her words struck a chord and my thoughts ran at a million miles per hour. I could be happy. I just needed to embrace it. Embrace what? Is it…
”I… I am not a mare. I am not… a mare. I am not a mare. I am not a mare!” I repeated as I felt more emotion then I had felt in over two weeks.
I finally figured everything out. Why I hated how I got adressed by everypony. Why I hated looking at myself. I was in the heart of euphoric realization as I chanted my new mantra.
”I am a stallion!” I yelled proudly as I hugged Lily as hard as I could, almost outdoing her strength from the sheer happiness I felt flowing through me.
We sat there in each other’s arms silently, both of us smiling; Lily’s a calm, warm one, and mine one of imperfect purity as tears streamed down my face.
“I love you, Lily,” I said quietly.
She kissed me lightly on the cheek. “I love you too, Dinky. I’m proud to call you my coltfriend.”
Coltfriend.
That sounded nice.
