Celestia's Bad Hair Day

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2210

Celestia asks a stunned Twilight for help cutting her mane. Not surprisingly, things don't go exactly according to plan...

Celestia asks a stunned Twilight for help cutting her mane. Not surprisingly, things don't go exactly according to plan...

Set during season six.

The sequel is Two Alicorns Naked In A Hot Tub

Featured from 23/6/20 to 24/6/20

Published 2020-06-22 17:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-22 17:00:01 UTC

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

“Twilight, I’d like you to cut my hair please.”

What the… out of all the things the Princess Of Friendship expected to hear that sunny Spring afternoon from Celestia, those nine words had to be somewhere between ‘Why are you always so calm?’ and ‘I don’t think you make enough lists!’

“B-But what about Brush Strokes? Or Bowl Head? Or... Spike? He takes care of mine, and I’ve never had any split ends...”

“No, I want you to do it.” Celestia tossed her regal, shimmering mane over her shoulder. “You’re the only one who knows how I like it, apart from Luna of course.”

“T-Then why don’t you get her to…”

“We’re not talking right now, ever since she said the Black Midnight cake I specially baked for her made her sick.” Celestia shook her head sadly. “I added an extra cup of milk to make sure it wasn’t too dry… how was I to know she was lactose intolerant? She never tells me anything…”

“W-Well, if it’s friendship advice you need, I think I'd be better at that than…” Twilight attempted to assist her mentor out in the one area she had confidence in.

“Nah, we’ll be fine. As soon as she needs somepony to moan about how foals these days don’t need any help in their nightmares due to the ‘desensitisation’ of real-life violence, it’ll be like it never happened.” Celestia gave a knowing half-smile, before staring down at her former pupil again. “... But this has to be done now. I’m making my first royal visit to Yakyakistan tomorrow, and I want to look my best so the visit is a smashing success!”

“E-Erm, I don’t think you’ll have any worries on the ‘smashing’ side…” Twilight thought back to the yak’s odd partiality to mindless destruction. “And as for the hair thing, have you seen how shaggy and unkempt their coats are? I doubt they’ll even notice.”

“I am aware of these facts, Twilight Sparkle. But as the representative of all ponies, it falls to me to set an example for the rest of our kind. Surely you went through similar emotions, when Prince Rutherford stopped by Ponyville about a year ago now?”

“Yes, but…” Twilight recalled how the culture clash nearly resulted in another war between the two species, and how it took weeks to clean up the mess they left behind afterwards. “I really think this is unnecessary. And if I make a mistake, I’d never be able to forgive mys…”

“Shh. Less talkie, more cutty.” Celestia had clearly run out of patience, and levitated a comb, pair of scissors and mirror towards Twilight’s shaking hooves. “Also, to show how much I trust you, I’m going to have a quick nap while you get busy. It’s so hard to get enough sleep, when you have to be up at dawn to raise the sun. Sometimes, I think it’s making me age prematurel…” zzzz

Fortunately, before Celestia could unload any more of her emotional baggage onto a very sweaty Twilight, the tired ruler went out like a light.

This still didn’t let Twilight off the hook, though. There she stood, in the middle of Celestia’s bedroom, watching her idol snore gently in her comfy chair awaiting a trim…

And she had absolutely no clue what to do.

To think, I only stopped by to say ‘hi’ to everypony. In the future, I’ll just get Spike to send a message.

…………………………..

“L-Let’s see…” snip snip. “A little off the top here, a little off the bottom maybe....” snippety snip. “I think, symmetrically speaking, those two ends are the same length, right? M-Maybe this won’t be so difficult after all…” Twilight tried her best to reassure herself, as she snipped cautiously around the edges of the multi-coloured mane. “How long has it been now? An hour? Let’s take a step back, to see how we’re doing so far…”

The tense alicorn put down her hairdressing implements temporarily to assess her progress… but it was hard to judge, as so little had actually been done.

“Oh Twilight, you nervous ninny! There is such a thing as being too careful, ya know!” She chastised herself harshly, noticing little difference in the follicle arrangement from when she’d begun the arduous task. “I don’t even know why she wants it cut! I would love to have a long, graceful and flowing mane like Celestia’s! Maybe someday…”

But that far-flung hope was for the future. And unless Twilight got a move on with her clipping, something terrible was bound to happen.

Worse than running out of books to read.

Worse than her precious silverware arrangement going awry.

Worse even than messing up the annual prestigious Grand Galloping Gala!

...Well actually, that already happened. Twice now, in fact.

In any case, ‘Disappointing Princess Celestia’ was most definitely not on Twilight’s ‘to-do’ list earlier.

And she should know, having written it out in intimate detail and double and triple-checked it before departing the castle that morning.

Come on, Twi. It’s time to shake a leg, and show her what you’re capable of when you put your mind to it. Twilight attempted to motivate herself, whilst mopping the surplus of perspiration from her drenched brow. “Now, I’m sure if I chopped a small chunk off here, she’d approve. I wish I’d learnt something about cutting hair in my days alone at the library, but the closest I can think of was a short article on sheep-shearing in a farming manual I glanced at in Sweet Apple Acres…”

Zzz… “No Luna, it’s my rubber duckie… you get your own…” SNIP

Oopsie. While Twilight attempted to measure with her scissors exactly how much hair she wanted to cut off, Celestia happened to use that inopportune moment to turn in her sleep slightly…

...Taking the already skittish Twilight completely by surprise, causing her to stumble and fall to the floor, still with scissors in hoof…

Along with a huge chunk of blue, green and purplish mane to boot.

“No, no, no!” Twilight nearly screamed out loud at this disastrous turn of events, but managed to stop herself because waking up Celestia at this crucial juncture was not recommended. “What do I do? What do I do?! Wait… it might not be that bad! Let’s take a closer look, to see what the damage is... aargh!”

Unlike the first time, the sight of a ginormous bald spot on Celestia’s noble head caused Twilight to screech like a banshee, but apparently Celestia was far more exhausted than had previously been thought. All the sudden increase in noise did was cause her to murmur slightly in her sleep, something about ‘crushing all dissidents’, before she returned to snoozing like nothing untoward had happened at all.

‘Phew’, Twilight was tempted to say, before remembering she was still stuck with the same problem as before. How can I handle this unprecedented emergency? My magic won’t work on her enchanted mane, and shaving the rest off to pretend it’s a ‘new style’ won’t wash either. Where’s a pot of glue when you need one?

A clearly panicking Twilight produced a paper bag that she saved for such ‘special’ occasions, and began steadily hyperventilating into it. Okay, calm down. Losing your head like during that whole ‘Lesson Zero’ fiasco clearly won’t solve anything. I’ll just tell her the truth. Be direct. She respects you, and if you tell her it was just an honest mistake, then surely…

Another glance was enough to remove all of Twilight’s burgeoning optimism in one fell swoop. ...She’ll send you to magical kindergarten for life! Oh my, it gets worse the more I look at it! Thank goodness Rarity isn’t here, or we’d need a cardiologist as well as a barber! Oh, what do I do? What do I do?!

Continuing her hopeless refrain from earlier, a thousand even more horrendous punishments began festering in Twilight’s subconscious. Like, moving into the vacant cell next to Tirek, being stripped of her cutie mark without Starlight’s ‘help’, having Shining Armour mock her pure klutziness…

In fact, so caught up was Twilight in her maelstrom of dire visions, she completely failed to notice the large equine figure stretching behind her, until it uttered those immortal words…

“What a refreshing nap!”

“C...Celestia?” bang

Apparently, the yawning alicorn didn’t need any assistance from Twilight to wake up, as she’d had more than enough shuteye for now. Momentarily relaxed upon rousing herself, Celestia was quickly concerned by the sorry state of her gibbering former student collapsed out on the ground.

“Twilight Sparkle, what on Equestria could be the matter? You look as pale as… well, me! Don’t tell me the pressure of cutting my mane was so much, you spent the entire time on the floor too scared to move! Well? I want answers!!”

“N-No… b-but…”

“Hmm, I see. Well, I better take a look to see how much you did do, then.” Celestia wasted no more time in reaching for the mirror, all while a frantically grasping Twilight did her utmost to prevent it.

“I-I swear, I’ll fix it later! J-Just… don’t l-look!”

“You are in a funny mood today, aren’t you?” Celestia mused, just before examining her reflection. “Anyway, without further ado…”

And that was all Twilight could cope with before covering her hooves with her ears and her eyes with her wings (sometimes, they were useful for more than just flying).

Don’t look… don’t listen… just slip into the void…

“Twilight, what has gotten into you?” Before the lavender alicorn could cast herself into blissful oblivion forever, a nudge from Celestia pulled her all the way out. “Why are you so stressed out? I mean, even more than usual. You did a fantastic job! I only wanted a small trim, and you surpassed my wildest expectations once again! Is there truly nothing you can’t do?”

“Huh?” Twilight blinked twice in surprise, as if quite unable to interpret what was being said.

“What? Did I not mention I only wanted a tiny amount off? Hmm, maybe I should’ve been more clear with my initial instructions…” Celestia sounded thoughtful for a second, before shrugging her shoulders. “No matter. The only thing I care about is that I look fabulous and now feel ready to take on the yaks with confidence and poise!”

“B-But but, t-that big hole in your head… sorry, mane!” Twilight couldn’t keep her emotions in check any longer, and blurted out her pressing concern of the moment.

“Hmm, what? Oh, you mean this thing?” So caught up in admiring her appearance, Celestia almost missed Twilight’s gasped sentence. “Well, rather than answer you directly, let me show you a little trick I learned I was capable of, at a very early age…”

In no time at all, a glorious light began filtering all over Celestia’s mane, almost giving it a golden sheen. A stunned Twilight had to shield her eyes to avoid being blinded by the glare, but by the time it had faded away and she was able to see again…

The missing hair had completely grown back, with no sign of the scissor-related catastrophe whatsoever.

“Luna used to pull on my mane something awful when we were in the tub together as mere foals. We would fight over something valuable to both of us, though I can’t quite remember what…” Celestia sighed nostalgically at the trip down memory lane, before returning to the present. “Anyway, as much as I have the highest faith in you Twilight Sparkle, do you really think I would’ve entrusted you with this valuable task, if I didn’t have this special ability to fall back on? No offence, but that would’ve been crazy.”

“I-I, y-you, w-what…” Twilight’s eyes were beginning to roll in the back of her head. The worry, the stress, a near-nervous breakdown, all for nothing…

“Aside from that slight misstep though, I must say… you did a wonderful job!” A gushing Celestia flew over to Twilight’s stationary position to pick her up and embrace her affectionately. “I dare say, we’ve found something else you’re good at! All you need is a bit more practice, and I can recommend you to all my friends! Not to mention family… Luna’s mane is beginning to look so dreary these days. Maybe you could recommend a good dye…”

But it was too late. All it had taken was the slightest mention of Luna’s hallowed name in conjunction with another potentiallytraumatic hairdressing experience, for Twilight to faint into a mercilessly deep sleep herself.

“Well, what a thing! I guess I’m not the only one working themselves to the bone at the moment.” Celestia smiled sympathetically at her favourite former student finally at peace, before tucking her into her own plush bed for a much-deserved rest. “Here, you’ve earned this! And as an extra reward, when you wake up, they’ll be a nice big slice of cake waiting for you! ...You don't have any sensitivity to dairy products, right?”

Author's Note

Another one-shot premise I've been mulling over for a while (mostly due to everyone wandering around with huge mullets due to all the salons being closed) finally turns into a proper story. Hope you enjoyed it, and more soon. Much, much more... :pinkiecrazy: