Author's Note

Trigger Warning. The chapter after this will include mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts. This chapter alludes to it briefly, but there are no explicit mentions. The next chapter will be explicit.

I'm The Reason

Sunlight slowly crept up a narrow beam on the floor, let in by the small gap between the tent flaps. Seeking Sparks watched as the light spread into the tent, illuminating a small path with an orange-gold glow. Kinda like a fire, she mused to herself. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she glanced at the sleeping form of Running River. It would be time to get the campers up soon, readying them for the day. But River could sleep a little longer.

Sparks winced as a familiar ache throbbed in her injured wing. Stretching the muscles, Sparks flexed the wing back and forth and in small circles, like she had been taught to do in physical therapy. The clipped feathers loosened a bit, relaxing and warming up in the morning air.

Watching as her breath made little puffs of steam in the morning sunlight, Sparks nudged the sleeping form of her girlfriend. River moaned and buried her muzzle deeper into Spark’s side. She chuckled and nudged her again.

“If you don’t get up I’ll push you outa the bed”

“You wouldn't dare” came the mumbled sleepy reply.

“Oh wouldn’t I? Come on now babe. You’ve known me long enough to know that’s not true.”

There was a beat of silence, then a thud and a yelp and the sound of Sparks’s echoing laughter. River glared up at her girlfriend from the floor.

“You’re on dish duty for a week!”

Sparks simply grinned over the edge of the bed. “Sure sure. And who will finish the campfire story for the kiddos? Hm?

River simply grumbled and stood up, brushing herself off. “Get the foals up”

Sparks winked and darted out of the tent. “Yes ma’am!”

After a day of boating and lake shenanigans, all the campers were finally showered and dry, and waiting impatiently for Sparks to start the campfire. Sparks took her sweet time, making sure to flare out her wings as much as possible. She could feel the campers’ stares, hear their whispers, and sense their curiosity. She grinned to herself as she built the little fire up. Finally, the flames roared to life and River picked up her guitar.

“Sooooo....what songs shall we sing tonight?”

There was a collective groan and one little colt, a blazing yellow pegasus named Flaring Heights protested loudly.

“We want to hear the rest of the story!”

Sparks smirked. “What story?”

Flaring Heights nearly shouted to be heard over the campers’ collective responses. “You know what story!”

River smiled and quieted the colts and fillies as Sparks placed a log on the fire. “Oh you mean the one where I fell out of the sky?”

“YES!!!!!” All the campers shouted.

“Well alright then. It happened just like that. I fell out of the sky....”

oOo

I remember the cold autumn air biting at my feathers as I fell. I remember the horrible burning pain in my left wing. And I remember the stricken look on my flight instructor’s face as she tried to dive after me.

But that day was the running of the leaves. There were thundering hooves everywhere, leaves swirling through the air in huge groups. And she simply lost me in the chaos. I remember the leaves blocking my view of her as I plummeted towards the ground.

I remember pain. Then...nothing

I woke up to a sharp throbbing in my wing and the swimming, distant noises of crying. My eyes slowly focused and I tried desperately to sit up, but the pain made my vision swim and I crashed back onto the bed. The moment I landed, a sharp, red hot stick of pain shot up my wing and I screamed.

The door flew open and a nurse rushed in. She pressed a button and relief flooded my body as the pain faded away. I heard running hoof beats and my parents burst through the door,

“Sparks!!! Oh my god!!” My mother, Firetrail, rushed to my side and pulled me into a shaky hug. My father, Darkened Sky, stood at her side and placed a hoof on my shoulder.

“What….What happened…?” I mumbled, still confused and bleary eyed.

Mom pulled back and brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “Hunny you injured your wing and fell into Ponyville. We came as soon as we heard.”

I blinked at her. “Why can’t I move my wing?”

She smiled tearfully and kissed my forehead. “Hunny you broke it. It’s in a cast.”

I turned over my shoulder, and sure enough, my entire wing was plastered tight and immobile. I brushed a hoof over the hard surface. “Why a cast? Don’t they usually just bandage it?”

Dad stepped over and placed his hoof on mine. “Sparks, you hit the ground really hard. Fell directly on to your left side…” His voice caught and he faltered.

At that moment, a mare I hadn’t noticed before stepped up to me. “Sparks, my name is Dr. Vector. I’m the wing specialist here at Cloudsdale General. You broke your wing. Do you know what that means?”

My parents started to cry.

I blinked at the doctor. “I broke the bones? So I won’t be able to fly for a while?”

She smiled slightly at me. “You broke the bones pretty badly. When you landed, you crushed your entire left wing. We managed to save it, but you are going to be in this cast for a long time.”

“But I’ll fly again right?”

“Perhaps. You have a long and difficult recovery ahead of you Seeking Sparks. But you are a little fighter. I know you’re going to give it your best shot”

I remember the sideline glance she gave my parents. I didn’t know what it meant at that time. But I do now. She knew I would probably never fly again.

And unfortunately, because of me, she was right.

oOo

“Well. I think that’s a good place to end for tonight!” River cut me off. Sparks blinked at her as she handed out marshmallow sticks and picked up her guitar. “Let’s sing a song everyone!”

The rest of the campfire blew by in a blur. Songs, s’mores, laughter, and begging for the end of Sparks’ story. But River stubbornly refused to let her continue. Once it was time for bed, they got all the campers tucked in and settled, then Sparks headed out to the docks while River sang them to sleep.

The night was dark and the moon was just the tiniest sliver in the sky. The stars shined above Sparks as she sat at the edge of the dock and dangled her back hooves in the water. The sound of thudding hoof steps made her turn. River stood, silhouetted against the sky, her light blue coat shining bright in the starlight.

“Why did you stop me? I’ve told that story a hundred times.”

River cocked her head. “What did you mean ‘because of you’?”

Sparks groaned and closed her eyes. Crap. She hadn't realized she’d said that out loud. “It’s nothing. Just a slip of the tongue.”

River narrowed her eyes and sat down next to her girlfriend. “Sparks. Is there something to this story that you’ve never told me?”

Sparks hung her head and sighed. “It’s not exactly something I’m proud of.”

River took her hoof and kissed her cheek. “Baby I love all of you. I want to know all your secrets. I can’t believe you’ve kept something from me for so long. You know I would never judge you.”

Sparks shook her head. “I’ve never told anyone. Even my parents don’t know.”

River pulled her into a hug, then wrapped her hoof around Sparks’ shoulders. “What happened?”

Sparks hunched herself smaller. “I’m the reason I can’t fly.”