We Can't Stop Here, This Is Bit Country!
Arranged marriages are actually quite common in Equestria.
Most ponies like to talk about love and finding the right stallion or mare, but if you happen to be the eldest child of a Rich family, you can expect to have certain decisions made for you.
The fact that the word 'Rich' was capitalized in the last sentence is significant in this particular case.
“You can't be serious,” Diamond Tiara said. Not in response to the narration, which only Pinkie Pie was listening to, but in response to what her father had just told her.
“I've already discussed this with her family,” Filthy Rich said, repeating himself for the benefit of his daughter and, unknowingly, the audience. “I'm not sure why you're so upset. You knew this was going to happen eventually.”
“I thought you'd at least give me a choice!” Tiara snapped.
“Honey, please, I did this thinking of you, and your future,” Filthy said. He stepped over to her. Dust puffed out from around his hooves. They hadn't had a maid for a few months now. “When your mother tragically left us--”
“She divorced you and took all your money,” Tiara corrected. “Don't act like she's dead.”
“She's dead to me!” Filthy huffed. “Between the settlement and alimony, I can't even afford to send you to Canterlot High!”
“Dad, it's a free school. There's no tuition.”
“That's not the point,” he said, pacing around the dusty room. He stopped in front of the window and pulled the moth-eaten curtains aside. “Look out there, Diamond. What do you see?”
Diamond looked.
“The front garden. We really need to mow the lawn.”
“No, Diamond, somepony else needs to mow the lawn. And that pony is called 'the help'. We are not the help.” He cleared his throat. “There's a place at the top~”
“Daddy, no,” Diamond said, putting a hoof to his muzzle. “We are not breaking into song.”
“As you wish,” he huffed. “The important thing is, the Apples are the wealthiest ponies in Ponyville. You and Apple Bloom are a perfect match.”
“Ah ain't gonna do it,” Apple Bloom huffed.
Unlike the Rich family manor, the Apple household was spotlessly clean. This was mostly because they worked to keep it that way, a never-ending battle against grime, dirt, and the forces of uncleanliness.
“Y'all need to,” Applejack sighed. “I'm sorry, Bloom. I didn't wanna drop it on you like this, but we need t' save the farm, and Filthy has the money we need to do it. You know that gettin' a fourth hip replacement fer Granny wiped out our savin's.”
“She didn't need no fourth hip replacement,” Bloom muttered.
“Bloom, you gotta understand,” Applejack sighed, sitting down next to her and taking off her hat. “Th' only reason we're doin' this is on account of that family is important.”
“If it's so important, why don't you do it?” Bloom asked.
“Bloom, that's a stupid question, and I know you ain't a stupid pony,” Applejack said, not even making an attempt to answer it with a lie. “Besides, you and Diamond Tiara went to school together. Y'all are friends an' that's the basis of a strong relationship.”
“Friends is sort of a strong word.”
“So is marriage, sugarcube, so y'all better get used to strong words.” Applejack put her hat back on. “Now, remember. Y'all ain't gonna let them know we need their money to save the farm. I don't want them thinking we're only havin you two get hitched for a hoofful of bits.”
“But that's exactly why you’re doin it!”
“Right,” Applejack nodded. “An' that's why nopony is gonna find out.”
Making wedding plans is a lot like a hostage exchange. Both sides are trying to get a good deal out of the other, but nopony can afford to push too far, or else somepony ends up shot or, worse, single.
“Las Pegasus,” Applejack agreed, sweating a little. “But not one of them little places. I want Apple Bloom to have a proper weddin'.”
“I think Seapony's Palace should be available,” Rich nodded. It was a gamble on his part, so he raised the stakes to see what cards his opponent held. “Diamond Tiara deserves only the best.” He gave that a moment, then defused the obvious reply. “Just like Apple Bloom, of course.”
“Of course,” Applejack said, aware she'd fallen into the trap. She couldn't back down now, so she deflected. “I'll see if Pinkie Pie can cater for us. She should be free by the fall.”
“The fall?” Rich raised his eyebrows. “I was thinking we could move a bit more quickly. Say, a month? I know some ponies in the industry, and they can make sure we have the reservations set.”
“That's a bit soon,” Applejack noted. “It's gonna be more expensive.”
“Considering our families, the money is no problem,” Rich laughed, trying to sound dismissive. He fully intended to pass the entire bill to Applejack anyway.
“Alright, I'll let you make the arrangements,” Applejack said, frowning. “Ah'll handle the weddin’ dresses.”
“Rarity, I assume?” Rich asked.
“She'd be awful offended if I didn't at least ask,” Applejack said. “She'd never forgive me if I even thought about buyin' off the rack.”
“Rarity does excellent work,” Filthy agreed. “I can hardly complain. One month from today, they'll be wed!”
Diamond Tiara looked at Apple Bloom. This was an awful lot like one of the play dates her father had sent her on when she was a filly and he needed to get some alone time with her mother, but this time it was deadly serious and her father wasn't, as the griffon saying goes, getting his beak wet.
Apple Bloom tugged at the collar on the sundress she'd been forced to wear to make her seem more presentable.
“Okay,” Diamond Tiara said, after the fifth straight minute of silence after they'd made awkward greetings and made small comments about the weather. She looked seriously at Apple Bloom. “This is all silly. Can we agree that neither of us wants to be here?”
“Apples, yes,” Bloom said, using the strongest cuss word she knew. It might seem a lot like the fruit, or her name, or her family name, but it's about inflection. If you were there you'd understand just how serious it was as a swear, enough to make the hair in your ears curl and smolder.
“Good. We need to figure out how to make this...” she gestured around them. “Stop.”
Apple Bloom looked around. “Ah assume you mean the weddin' an not mornin' tea.”
“Yes, obviously,” Diamond sighed. “The whole thing's absurd. Daddy keeps telling me how this is for my own good and it'll be just like the wedding I always imagined, and then he won't listen to anything I say. He ordered chamomile flowers for my bouquet.”
“Oh, those ain't bad. They look pretty an they got a decent flavor.”
“I'm allergic to chamomile. I'll swell up, lose all my hair, and have to stay in an oxygen tent for a week.”
“That ain't nothin' compared to what Granny Smith an' my sister are plottin. Y'all only gotta worry about disappoinin' one pony, an' they decided t' have the Apple Family Reunion early an' make th' weddin' the centerpiece.”
“And?” Diamond Tiara shrugged.
“She sent out invitations already. If somethin' happens an' the wedding don't go off, basically everypony from here to Manehattan is gonna consider me pony-non-grata.”
“You're kidding,” Filthy hissed into the phone. He'd just heard a number, and it had almost been what he'd expected except for an additional zero. Unfortunately in the world of finance, that zero turned a difficult expense into an impossible one.
“That's the going rate for reservations at Seapony’s Palace,” Penny Dreadful said. She'd been Filthy's business partner once, until Spoiled had made sure that every bridge Filthy had ever built was burned to ashes. “It is the most exclusive resort in Las Pegasus, you know.”
“I do know. I was at the event you held for Queen Novo’s visit. And I know for a fact that you didn't charge her anything near that.”
“That was a special rate for reliable ponies,” Penny said. “By my estimate, you only have about one chance in five of actually paying me, since you stiff most of the ponies that you owe money to. Charging you ten times the going rate is good business sense.”
“How is that good business sense? I'll just go somewhere else!”
“Oh, I doubt that very much,” Penny said. “I have quite a few reservations for that date already from members of the Apple family. Apparently, the invitations went out early.”
Filthy swore and kicked his desk.
“I'll pencil you in,” Penny noted, sounding amused. Her voice sounded like a cat looked when it was batting a mouse around. “We've been such good friends that I'm in no rush on the deposit. Just have it wired to me before Tuesday.”
It was Monday.
“How am I supposed to get the money that quickly…” he muttered.
“Everypony has three mortgages these days,” Filthy assured Tiara. “It's perfectly normal, dear. And once you're married to Apple Bloom, we'll just gift the house to you and the Apples can handle paying it off.”
“Daddy, you taught me a lot about finance,” Tiara said, slowly.
“Everything I know,” he assured her.
“Why didn't you argue with that pony about the terms? Isn't twelve and a half percent sort of a high rate?”
“Honey you need to look at the future, not the past. We don't have to worry about that rate because it'll be paid off in just a few weeks.” He patted her on the head. “Besides, it was the last bank in town willing to lend me money.”
Tiara groaned. Her name was on the paperwork too, since even the pirates at that bank wouldn’t loan a dime to him without somepony else as co-signer.
“And just think -- this one is a reverse mortgage! If I play my cards right, it’ll cancel out one of the regular ones and we’ll be in the black!”
“I’m absolutely sure that’s not how it works, Daddy,” Tiara said. “I really think you should look at these terms again. If you miss a payment--”
“You’re worrying too much, honey, and worry is how you get wrinkles. It’s the one thing your mother said that she was actually right about.”
“How am I supposed to not worry about all… this? You’re spending money we don’t have!”
“Maybe you just need some distance,” Filthy said. “In fact, you just gave me a great idea! Let me go talk with Applejack for a bit. You’ll thank me later.”
“What do you mean, pre-honeymoon?” Tiara asked, skeptically. She looked at Apple Bloom, who looked equally confused.
“We’ll handle all the wedding planning so you don’t have to worry about a thing,” Filthy said. “And from my own experiences, the last week before the actual event is the most stressful. It'd be good to give you two some time to relax.”
“An' make sure y'all don't get cold hooves,” Applejack muttered.
“It would be good to make sure that nopony acts in haste without considering the consequences,” Filthy agreed, more diplomatically.
“Fer instance if somepony went all crazy an' arranged a marriage out of nowhere with less'n a month warnin’ for them involved?” Apple Bloom asked.
Applejack gave her a look.
“Not that kinda crazy, then, gotcha.”
Diamond Tiara couldn't hold back a small smile, though it vanished when her father looked at her.
“It's best for both of you,” Filthy said. “I know we've been a little pushy, and you could use a break. This is exactly that.” He picked up an envelope. “We rented you a carriage. You'll take the train south to Dodge Junction, then you'll have a nice, easy road trip, seeing the sights. It’ll be fun!”
Apple Bloom looked out the window at the shifting landscape. Then again, calling it shifting was pretty generous. There was a lot of rock and sand and sandy dirty and very occasionally a dirty, sandy rock to really mix things up. The gentle rocking of the train car just made her feel unsteady and uncomfortable. Any other time, it might have lulled her to sleep.
There was a grumbling, rumbling sound. Apple Bloom looked away from all the excitement outside at the other pony sharing her train cabin.
Diamond Tiara looked miserable, but at least she wasn't taking it out on her. Apple Bloom silently thanked Celestia for small miracles.
“Ah'm kinda surprised that yer dad didn't want y'all to get hitched to Silver Spoon,” she said, as an opening.
Tiara blinked, caught off guard by the comment.
“Ah mean y'all were like two peas in a pod. Figured, you know.” She shrugged and made some vague motions with her hooves. “You two were involved in a bedroom sorta way.”
“Oh, like you and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo?” Tiara asked.
“Don't be silly,” Bloom laughed. “We weren't never up to anything like that!”
“Neither were Silver Spoon and I. Don't get me wrong, she was sort of cute, but we weren't right for each other.”
“Really?”
“For one thing, I wasn't a stallion,” Tiara said. “She wasn't interested in other fillies.”
“Nopony even bothered asking me if ah was.” Bloom sighed. “Ah wanted to wait and get romanced, you know? Find true love like in all th’ stories. Don’t care really if it’s a mare or a stallion, but… Ah wanted to be swept off mah hooves.”
Tiara looked guilty and was about to apologize when the rumbling sound came again, this time clearly coming from her stomach.
“Skipped lunch?” Apple Bloom asked.
Tiara considered saying something closer to the truth, that she hadn't wanted to waste what little spending money she had on lunch at the overpriced train station cafe.
“I'm worried about fitting into my wedding dress,” she lied, instead.
“Figures,” Bloom nodded. “Makin' us worry an' suffer fer somethin' neither of us actually wants in th' first place.” She stood up and pulled a brown paper bag from under her seat. “Ah brought somethin' to snack on.”
Mostly because she also couldn't afford to eat at the station cafe.
“Lucky you,” Tiara mumbled.
“Y'all want some?” Bloom offered. She opened the bag to reveal crackers and apple butter.
Tiara's stomach growled like a starving wolf. “I guess I’m not that worried about fitting…”
“What do you mean you can't make the dresses?” Applejack asked, frowning.
Rarity lowered her glasses and looked up at her oldest friend. “I think I was quite clear, darling.” She motioned around her boutique. Piles of fabric and folders full of paper filled almost the entire space. “If it wasn't so soon, I could work you in, but I've got commitments I must fulfill.”
“An' they're more important than Bloom getting married?”
“Darling, we're not talking about one dress,” Rarity said. “If it was just one dress, I could manage. It's not even two dresses. You're talking about dresses for the entire wedding party, a few suits, and décor to match. In a month. If my plate was completely clear, I'd be hard-pressed to manage, but I have a dozen orders for the Gala, a few special orders, and almost a hundred alterations.”
“Dangit, Rarity...”Applejack sighed.
“What I can do,” Rarity said, trying to appease her. “Is to recommend somepony. I know Miss Pommel has been looking for something in the off-season and she does very fine work.”
“Yeah, but...” Applejack hesitated.
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “You weren't asking for me just because I might do it as a favor were you?”
“W-well of course not,” Applejack said, looking away and biting her lip. Rarity could tell it was a lie. She could have determined it was a lie even in the dark. While hanging upside-down. Blindfolded. With her head in a bucket of water.
“Good,” Rarity said. “I'll send Miss Pommel a letter to let her know.”
“Well of course Sweet Apple Acres makes the best apple butter,” Tiara agreed, as they walked off the train. “It's why Daddy sells it at Barnyard Bargains.”
“Ain't hard to make neither,” Bloom said. “Takes a long time but it ain't really work, you know? Just somethin' you put time into.”
“Sounds like something my dad would say. He always told me the most important part of running the store was actually running it. He did at least one shift himself every week to make sure things were going well.” These days it was seven shifts a week, to try and reduce the staffing costs. He was trying to work out how to fit an eighth shift but hadn’t managed to find an extra day on any of his calendars, not even the misprints.
“That's pretty smart.” Bloom followed Tiara out into the bright sunlight, wincing as it stung her eyes.
“We should figure out where the carriage is and get a drink,” Tiara said. “Maybe not in that order.”
“A cold drink does sound good,” Apple Bloom agreed.
They made their way to a saloon, mostly by following the crowd. By the time their eyes had started to adjust to the light and dust, they were already inside.
Diamond Tiara said something.
“What?” Bloom asked, her ears ringing from the crowd and, worse, the band playing on the saloon's small stage.
Tiara sighed and pulled Bloom off to the side, to an empty table.
“I said we should get drinks and go,” Tiara hissed. She kept her head low and motioned to the stage. Bloom's eyes went wide when she got a good look at who was playing.
Most of the ponies she didn't recognize. She hadn't even known that Silver Spoon could play the spoons, though it should have been obvious.
“She started dating a musician and left town because we had a fight over it,” Tiara muttered, having to lean close to Apple Bloom to avoid telling the room. She waved down a waitress and ordered what she hoped was something strong enough to improve her mood.
“Y'all fought over her datin' somepony?” Bloom asked.
“It wasn't going to last!” Tiara countered. “She was just going to end up getting hurt!”
“An' would he be th' cute one with the guitar?” Apple Bloom asked, looking up on stage.
Tiara nodded tersely.
“They look awful friendly with each other to me.”
“I was wrong, okay?” Tiara huffed.
“She's got a good voice, too.”
“I know,” Tiara muttered, not loudly enough for Apple Bloom to hear.
“Y'all don't wanna stick around and apologize to her?”
Tiara was about to answer when the drinks arrived. She took hers like a dying woman and drank half the bourbon and cherry juice in one long drag. When she put it down she looked at Apple Bloom. The pony was giving her the kind of big, sad eyes that looked right on a foal or a dog and not on a young mare. Clearly it was strong bourbon, though, because it made Tiara blush and look away.
“Fine. But only because we're on our honeymoon.”
“Pre-honeymoon.”
“Whatever.”
“I never thought I'd be speaking to you again,” Silver Spoon admitted. The band had taken a break after two more songs, which gave Tiara enough time to down another drink and get enough liquid courage to make good on what she'd told Apple Bloom.
“Yeah, well,” Tiara shrugged.
“So getting married, huh?” Silver Spoon asked, smirking. “I remember somepony telling me that marriage was a scam.”
“It wasn't my idea,” Tiara said. She looked back to where Apple Bloom and Silver Spoon's husband were talking and laughing, giving them enough space to speak privately. “Dad sort of forced me into it.”
“He never forced you to do anything,” Spoon noted. “It's why you got so spoiled.”
“This time he did,” Tiara mumbled.
“Why would he do that?” She asked, frowning. Tiara looked at her and saw Silver Spoon put the pieces together on her own. “Because of your mother.”
“Because of the money,” Tiara countered, holding up a hoof.
“For your father, it's the same thing.” Silver Spoon looked at her husband, then at Apple Bloom. “Do you even like her?”
“I don't hate her,” Tiara admitted. “But I'd need a lot more whiskey to actually like her.”
“Want a tip?” Silver Spoon asked.
“Sure. You can't make things worse.”
“Tell her how you feel.”
“Silver, it's not a freaking secret. We both know we've got no choice.”
“That's not what I meant,” Silver Spoon said, tapping her chin. “There aren't a lot of ponies you don't hate.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“Never mind.” She paused. “Wait, if you don't have any money does that mean you were going to stiff your fiancee with the tab?”
“Well...”
“I'll pay for it,” Spoon sighed. “Consider it a wedding present.”
“So let me get this straight,” Applejack said. “Pinkie ain't even in Equestria?” She frowned, looking at Twilight and trying not to let her mounting frustration show.
“It was sort of an accident,” Twilight said, tapping her hooves together nervously. “How much do you know about the magic mirror?”
“I'm thinkin' the answer is gonna be 'not enough'.”
“Well, Pinkie Pie decided she wanted to see the other world, and Sunset Shimmer was sure she could manage her, but it turns out that if you get two Pinkie Pies in one room--” Twilight trailed off. “I'm not exactly sure what happened since I wasn't there.” She pulled a blackboard to the side of the table. “There's a certain element of chaos magic represented here in the equation by the letter ‘Q', and which has a value of an integer between three and four...”
“Twilight. I ain't here for a lesson in math. I just wanna know when Pinkie will be back so I can ask her about catering.”
“Call it, um...” Twilight thought. “To get the portal working again we need the correct transdimensional alignment and that won't be more than... carry the six...” She tilted her head. “It shouldn't take more than... nine hundred fifty-four hours, fourteen minutes.” She smiled brightly at Applejack.
“Apples,” Applejack swore.
“I’m really sorry. Is there anything else I can do to help?” Twilight asked. “I’d offer to lend you books on catering, but I’ve seen the Apple Family Reunion. I don’t think there’s much left you could learn from a book.”
“There is one little thing,” Applejack admitted. “I wasn’t gonna ask you, but if you’re offerin’, well, I promised Filthy that we’d head on down to Las Pegasus in style. I don’t suppose you could cast some magic that’d make airship tickets appear, could you?”
“No, but I might have the next best thing…”
“Where's the driver?” Tiara asked. She already didn’t like the look of the carriage. More properly, it was a cart. She was pretty sure you needed four wheels to be a real carriage, and not just two wheels, a patchwork shade over a cargo bed, and a chipped coat of dark green paint.
“Y'all didn't rent a driver,” the pony behind the counter said. He showed her the paperwork. “Look here. Rental for one carriage. No insurance or driver included.”
“This isn’t even a carriage! It’s barely anything! It’s going to fall apart before we even get off the lot!”
“Probably should have bought insurance,” the counter-pony agreed. “Don’t worry, though. I upgraded you to the sports model. It’s lighter and faster.”
They pointed to where somepony had carefully written ‘Sport’ in chalk on the side.
“Great,” Tiara muttered. “Dad decided to cheap out. Why am I not surprised?”
“We'll take turns,” Bloom said. “I'll take the first one if you want.”
“We might as well just walk all the way to Las Pegasus.”
“Sorta worse than that,” Bloom noted. “We only got a week.”
Tiara hadn't seen a map in a long while but she did know that Dodge Junction and Las Pegasus only looked close to each other when the cartographer was trying something new and exciting with a map projection.
“A week?” the pony behind the counter whistled. “That's a tough trip.”
“And if we don't get there the wedding is off,” Tiara mused. She was sorely tempted to slack off and miss the date. Then she remembered the three mortgages, the dusty carpets, the leaky roof...
If she didn't get married she'd end up homeless.
“We better hurry,” she sighed.
“Yeah,” Apple Bloom said, looking at her hooves. “Y'all think Silver Spoon was right?”
“No,” Tiara said. “She's happy, though.”
“So she ain't wrong neither.”
“I think it's easy to make people think you're right when you're already happy. It's like when a pony wins the lottery -- they didn't win because they have some great strategy or advice. They're just lucky. It happens one time in a million.”
“So y'all ignore them even if they might be right?” Bloom asked.
“No, you wait until they win twice,” Tiara said. “That's when you know they're onto something.”
Tiara stared at the road under her hooves as she pulled. Every inch was a trial, her exhausted hooves thudding numbly to the earth. The air was thin, too thin to pull in a deep breath. The sun was blinding, everything outside the edge of her shadow washed out to a white blur that hurt even in her peripheral vision.
She wasn't sure how far she'd gone. Had it been hours? Why hadn't the sun moved? Was this a cruel trial from Celestia, punishment for her crime, for not telling Apple Bloom that she was only marrying her for the money?
Sweat dripped from her brow, and it was nearly joined by tears of frustration, the wagon creaking along behind her, an impossible burden she was being forced to bear.
“Are you sure you're okay?” Apple Bloom asked.
“How much...” Tiara gulped down air, trying to fill her straining lungs. “Further?”
“Y'all have only been pulling the wagon for ten minutes, Tiara.”
Diamond Tiara collapsed, exhaustion claiming her, darkness filling her vision.
“I can't believe y'all fainted.”
“Sorry,” Tiara muttered. She tried not to look at her fiancee. Apple Bloom was pulling the covered wagon like it was weightless, the miles disappearing beneath her hooves.
“Well, jes sit back an' drink some water. This ain't exactly luxury but we might still make it on time.”
Tiara hesitated. “Did you bring any water?”
“...Ah thought you were bringin' water.”
Apple Bloom slowed, and she and Diamond Tiara looked around themselves at the dry landscape. A tumbleweed chose just that moment to roll across the road.
“Apples.”
Applejack sighed and leaned back into the plush seat. She lifted a glass of mineral water and took a long, slow sip.
“Yep, that’s good,” she said. “An’ you said this comes from the Crystal Empire?”
“Apparently they melt glacial ice using heated crystals,” Rich said, taking a sip from his own glass. “Some ponies claim it’s not all that different from normal tapwater, but I think it has a subtle flavor.”
“Yep. Tastes pure. Course, I do like t’ think I have a good palette. Been to all those fancy dinners with Twi, after all.” She didn’t like to brag about it, but she needed to keep reminding Filthy that her family had connections.
Filthy nodded. “This is the Princess’ private airship, isn’t it?”
“Yep,” Applejack said. She was going to owe Twilight one heck of a favor later, but it would be worth it. Filthy still hadn’t noticed that the stewardess in the short, distracting dress was one of Applejack’s cousins.
“Do you think Tiara and Apple Bloom are having a good time on their little escape from the stress of wedding planning?” Rich asked, glancing out the window at the desert below.
Applejack smiled. “I think a week away from family and doin’ whatever they want will put them in a right good mood for gettin’ hitched. Gives ‘em some time to talk and get to know each other in private too, you know?”
“True, I wouldn’t want my family hovering overhead while I was enjoying private time with my fiancee,” Rich agreed. He took another long drag of the water. “Let’s have another glass. I’m feeling a touch parched.”
“Tell me I’m not hallucinating,” Tiara gasped.
Just over the sandy hill was the most beautiful thing Tiara had ever seen. Water. Open water, shimmering in all its splendor. She started down the sandy hill, taking careful steps despite her haste.
“It’s an oasis!” Apple Bloom said. “Thank Celestia!”
Apple Bloom charged for it, tugging the cart along behind her, immediately losing her footing in the soft sand. She screamed and tumbled down the hill, shoved along by the out-of-control cart. Tiara couldn’t avoid her, and they tumbled all the way to the edge of the water in a tangle of hooves.
“Ow,” Tiara groaned.
“Sorry,” Apple Bloom grunted. She realized the danger too late. “The cart! We gotta…!”
The cart sedately rolled to a stop next to them.
“Oh. Ah guess we ain’t gonna be trampled to death.” She sighed and relaxed. At least the ground was plush and soft here.
“Try not to be too disappointed,” Tiara sighed. “Can you move?”
Apple Bloom realized the plush, soft ground was a plush, soft ass with a cutie mark of a tiara. She scrambled to her hooves with so much grace and style that she immediately went into the water with a gigantic splash.
“Help!” she yelled. “Ah can’t swim!”
Tiara got up with an appropriate amount of haste, which was none at all, and walked into the ankle-deep water to help her up.
“If you drown in this it’s on purpose,” Tiara said. “And I’m not letting you die that easily!”
“Are you savin’ me or just yellin’?” Apple Bloom coughed up water and tried to catch her breath.
“Considering you just got a bath for the first time in days, we’ll say I’m saving you,” Tiara said, smugly. “Now I can barely smell the sweat.”
“Ah wouldn’t sweat so much if you pulled th’ cart more.”
“Let’s be honest, if I pulled the cart more I’d end up vulture food on the side of the road,” Tiara said.
“Water does feel nice, though,” Apple Bloom noted. “Ah thought the sun was gonna make me shrivel up!”
Tiara hesitated for a moment, then flopped into the water herself, abandoning grace for a moment. Bloom laughed as her old rival lounged in the shallow water.
“It’s only lukewarm, but that’s a million times better than burning up,” Tiara sighed. “I’m just going to stay here until I feel like a living pony again.”
“I would prefer if you didn’t sleep in my drinking water,” a voice said, from between trees that neither Bloom or Tiara had noticed with much more important things going on. They looked up to see a thin, sun-bleached pony in thin robes watching them with some amount of amusement.
“Ah’m sorry, mister. We were just--”
“It’s fine,” the stallion said, laughing. “Some ponies would pay handsomely to watch attractive young fillies splashing each other. I simply didn’t want you thinking I was the kind of perverted pony who would do such a thing.”
Tiara stood up and shook some of the water out of her mane. “Not when you can get it for free?”
“Ah, where are my manners,” the stallion said. “Could I interest you in some tea?”
“So y’all maintain this oasis?” Apple Bloom asked. The tea the stallion had served them was bitter and thick, so it was a bit like her fiancee at her worst. The blanket over the scratchy grass and the shade from the palm trees more than made up for it, even if she would have killed a mare for a cold drink instead of a hot one.
“It used to be an important job,” the stallion, who they’d learned was named Palm Sundae, said. “Caravans would come through twice a week! But… airships are faster and more comfortable, and the train is both of those and cheaper. Now I rarely have guests.”
“Sorry,” Apple Bloom said. “Can’t be easy bein’ alone at a waterin’ hole in the desert all the time.”
“One must learn to take pride in their work and what they’ve grown. These palms, for example.” He patted one of the sturdy plants providing them with shade. “I’ve named each of them. They’re like children to me.”
Apple Bloom nodded approvingly.
“How do you even survive without supplies?” Tiara asked.
“Ah, thankfully there’s a wonderful shop only a day’s travel away. They take care of any needs that the desert cannot provide.”
“Yer tellin’ me you grow enough food out here t’ feed yerself?” Apple Bloom asked, extremely skeptical.
“I maintain a small garden, enough for myself and an occasional guest. Between that and foraging, it is a quiet but comfortable life. Could a pony ask for more?”
“It just doesn’t seem very…” Tiara started, trailing off.
“Ambitious?” Palm guessed. “With my own two hooves, I turned a trickle of water pushing up through the sand into a tiny paradise. No, there were not many bits involved, just hard work, waiting moons upon moons to see the result of my efforts, and refusing to quit even when things went wrong. It is a love story between me and the land.”
Tiara looked skeptical. “If you say so.”
“You should stay and rest until nightfall. You’ll find it’s much easier to travel when Celestia’s sun isn’t beating down on you.”
Las Pegasus! The city of affordably-priced love and filled with a hundred thousand ways to spend your bits with the promise that the smartest and luckiest ponies would beat the system and come out ahead.
Seapony’s Palace was one of the finest hotels in the city, resplendent with fountains and seashell motifs, all centered around an artificial beach. It even had a small airship dock, so they’d arrived in style and immediately been treated like the VIPs they were.
Filthy Rich sat back in his seat and sipped at the drink the waiter had brought him. It was something with a nonsense name and a list of ingredients as long as his forehoof, and tasted heavenly. And expensive. The best kind of drink to charge to Applejack’s room.
“I gotta admit, Filthy, you do know how to pick ‘em,” Applejack said. She was just drinking straight whiskey, though it was imported from halfway around the world and she’d never have ordered it if she wasn’t putting it on Filthy’s room tab.
“I’m glad I asked my personal assistant for recommendations,” Filthy said. A waitress in just enough of a uniform to make a pony wonder about what was under it put a plate of deep-fried vegetables in front of Filthy. He took the bill she handed him and jotted down a generous tip and the room number to charge it to.
“So when Bloom and your girl get here, what’s the plan?” Applejack asked.
“I was hoping we could get the ceremony over with as soon as they arrive,” Filthy said. “Then the rest of the week can be a celebration.”
Applejack nodded, a grin spreading across her face. “The sooner the better,” she agreed, already picturing her debts disappearing even faster than the whiskey in her glass.
“Try one of these,” Filthy said, pushing his plate towards her. “They’ve got some kind of hot honey on them. Absolutely delicious.”
“I like th’ sound of that,” Applejack agreed, popping one of the battered cauliflower florets into her mouth. “That’s mighty good! Could go with another drink, though.”
“Waitress?” Filthy yelled. “Can we get another round of drinks? More of the same for both of us, I think.”
Apple Bloom should have slept. She knew she was going to end up doing almost all the work, but she felt restless. Maybe it was just feeling something green under her hooves again. She found herself circling the Oasis, walking around the shallow, wide pool. She stopped, looking down into it.
“Huh. This edge don’t look finished.”
“It isn’t,” Palm said, softly. “I apologize if I startled you.”
“Nah. Guess ah’m just stuck in my own head and can’t see much outside it. Why’s this bit unfinished? I thought y’all had been working for years and years or whatever.”
“Because as I said, it’s a love story,” Palm said. He motioned to the edge. “I’m planning on digging a trench there, so finishing the edge didn’t quite matter. There’s some decent soil I’m hoping will turn into a second garden or at least a few more palms.”
“Sounds like a lot of work just to hope things get better,” Apple Bloom said.
“The same is true of most things. I sense you’re thinking of something other than my gardening skills, though.” He looked up, and Apple Bloom followed his gaze to where Diamond Tiara was sleeping in the shade.
“Ah don’t got no choice,” Bloom sighed. “Ah know you ain’t wrong about the work. Mah family knows all about hard work. It’s why we got the biggest and best apple farm in all of Equestria! An apple tree don’t grow in one season, y’all gotta plant it and nurture it and y’all get nothin’ at all until it’s grown enough.”
“But then you reap the rewards for generations,” Palm said.
“Exactly! An’ that’s how this should have been. Start out with a little interest, then two ponies work hard t’ get closer and learn about each other until it grows into somethin’ strong that lasts for generations.”
“Hm.”
“Mah parents had to work harder than anypony else in th’ world t’ get together, and they were perfect together.” Apple Bloom sighed. “That’s all I ever wanted.”
“To have to struggle and fight?” Palm asked, raising an eyebrow.
“If you ain’t willin’ to do it, is it really love? We didn’t even get no choice. There ain’t no struggle or romance or courtin’.”
“There’s nothing wrong with easy love.”
“That ain’t how it feels to me. It might be th’ biggest, most important thing that happens in mah life! It’s like showin’ up to th’ buckball championship and findin’ out that th’ other team got paid to throw the game. How am I supposed t’ ever be okay with that?”
“I don’t have a good answer for you, I’m afraid. If you wanted advice about which cactus juice to avoid I would seem very wise, though.”
“Personal experience?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Naturally! I once found a cactus with the most attractive little blue blossoms, and shortly afterwards I was having a wizard battle with a particularly rude cloud. I don’t quite remember what happened next, but the cloud is gone and I am not, so I must have defeated it.”
Apple Bloom laughed a little.
“Thank you for humoring an old stallion and being such fine company,” Palm said. “I hope that your own work is eventually as fruitful as mine.”
“Huh?”
He nodded to Diamond Tiara. “If you seek romance, having a partner to do it with seems like a good place to start. Much more exciting than doing it alone, no matter how much cactus juice you drink.”
Palm patted her on the back and left her there, watching Diamond Tiara.
“The world’s largest casino,” Filthy said, looking over the brochure. It was covered in gold foil, and the pamphlet might have been worth more than his tie, but they were happy to give them away. The casino itself looked like a temple to wealth, or the tomb of an ancient king that turned everything he touched to gold. Or if one looked much closer, very well-polished brass.
Las Pegasus was huge, with bright colors in every direction, louder sounds, and ponies
“You know, it’s funny when you really think about it,” Applejack said. “Ain’t it a bad thing if you go to a casino that’s doin’ too well?”
“Hm?” Rich looked up.
“Well if y’all think about it, a casino makin’ a lot of bits means they’re takin’ a lot of bits off of ponies who come to gamble, don’t it? So the odds gotta be against them.”
Filthy smiled. “That would be common sense, but it’s usually the opposite. A casino with unfair odds drives away the big spenders, and they decide who succeeds and fails more than anything else in the gambling world. It’s like any other business. Sell a good product at a fair price, and eventually you land a contract that means you’re set for life.”
Sometimes, that product was a daughter, and the contract involved an exchange of rings, but the idea was more or less the same.
“Tell you what, how about I show you?” Filthy asked. After all, he was a smart pony. He could easily double or triple his bits without much risk.
“The world's largest ball of string,” Diamond Tiara read from the dusty, sun-beaten sign. When it had been new it had been colorful and happy. Now it was just another shade of the same sand-colored glare all around them.
“Ah guess this must be th’ store Palm was talkin’ about,” Apple Bloom said.
Diamond Tiara sighed. “I was hoping for something more like a smoothie shop.”
“Ah know, ain't exactly the most excitin' thing, but they'll prolly have water an' somethin' to eat,” Apple Bloom said. “Tourist traps like this gotta make money somehow.”
Diamond hopped off the cart. She didn’t want to admit that Apple Bloom was right. “It’s better than looking at the back of your head and the road,” she said, instead. “And you could… probably use a break. Sorry about being so… useless.”
Apple Bloom blinked in surprise at that, and nodded, following Diamond and walking inside with her.
The place was somewhere between a museum and a general store, like somepony had shoved all the displays and exhibits into one gallery and let the gift shop take over the rest of the building. It had once been a barn, but ponies had added onto it for so long it was practically a maze of connected sheds and covered walkways.
“Where do ya think the ball of string is?” Bloom asked, looking around at shirts that proudly declared the pony wearing them had visited the tourist trap.
“In the back,” Diamond Tiara said. “They’ll want ponies to walk through the whole store and think about buying something. It’s what Daddy always does when there’s a special sale.”
Apple Bloom nodded, and they started walking back, feeling revived by the cooler air inside the shop. Just being out of the blazing sun was a relief. The shelves they passed were full of what a pony would swear were antiques, if there weren’t dozens of the same sun-faded wooden knick knacks in rows. Glass bottles and jars filled with strange jellies and sauces. Sunglasses and wide-brimmed hats. The last was almost tempting, if Apple Bloom’s purse of bits wasn’t as empty as Tirek’s heart.
“This whole wedding is stupid,” Tiara muttered.
“Huh?” Apple Bloom stumbled. She’d been looking lustfully at a hat that’d keep that hot desert sun from beating down on her mane.
“I mean…” Diamond Tiara groaned. She was going to have to do exactly what Silver had said. “I don’t hate you. Let me start with that. You’re a good pony, and I’m thankful for that, at least. I just wish I’d gotten to make a choice.”
Apple Bloom sighed. “Yeah. No offense, but we ain’t even had a proper date. I always figured if I was gonna marry a pony I’d get to know them first. Not that I don’t know you, just that, well, you know.”
“I know,” Tiara agreed. “I bet you don’t even know my favorite color.”
Apple Bloom smiled a little and thought. “I’d be awful flattered if you lied and said it was yellow.”
Tiara laughed. “You got me. It’s definitely yellow.”
“For today, at least?” Bloom asked.
“I’d be an awful fiancee if I didn’t try to get on your good side,” Tiara said. “The last thing I want to do is be like my mother.” She snorted and rolled her eyes. “She was a great example of what not to do. At least you won’t put up with it. Dad just folded every time she had some little demand and spent so many bits that…”
She bit her lip, not wanting to finish. She couldn’t let Apple Bloom find out how destitute the Rich family was.
“So many bits that you wouldn’t believe it!” Tiara finished, forcing a chuckle.
Filthy stared at the cards like they’d change into something else if he looked at them hard enough. He was good at math, one of the best, and no matter how he counted they added up to twenty-two.
“I was so sure,” he muttered.
“Well, that’s a fair game for ya,” Applejack said, unconcerned. “It does seem tricky when y’all got around twelve, with how many of the cards are worth ten.”
“Yes,” Filthy said, through clenched teeth. “It does get tricky.”
“Another hand, sir?” the dealer asked.
Filthy looked at the few meagre chips left in front of him. They’d taken nearly every bit he’d had on him. He was so sure he could squeak out a few bits by running the numbers, but it was like the universe was against him.
He couldn’t win it all back with just what he had in front of him. He just needed a little more. And then he remembered the escrow account for the hotel deposit.
“I just need to go use the little colt’s room,” he said with a smile. “Don’t you go anywhere. I plan on winning some of those bits back!”
“Ah can remember to kick you in the flank a little if you get too bad,” Bloom promised. “Ah mean, it could be worse. Ah didn’t even think about it until we were walkin’ down the road but Sis could have tried to get me hitched to some second cousin or somethin’.”
“She wouldn’t,” Tiara said. “That would be…”
“It’d be keeping the farm in the family,” Apple Bloom explained. “Some days I swear that’s all she cares about. Ah don’t even work on th’ farm, but she thinks at some point I’m gonna stop helpin’ ponies with their cutie marks and start plowin’ fields and buckin’ apples.”
“And Daddy wants me to take over Barnyard Bargains,” Diamond sighed. “Like I want to do that! He wakes up thinking about sales and goes to sleep on his paperwork.”
“That sounds like a pile of fun.”
“It’s not how I want to spend my life,” Tiara said. “I want to… I don’t know.” She sighed. “I haven’t even really been allowed to think about doing anything else. I want to be a leader and inspire ponies and do something big. Right now I just feel like… something to be bought and sold and put on the ledgers with the rest of the assets.”
“I hear ya.” Bloom stopped to lean against a shelf packed with different types of yarn. “If mah family wasn’t countin’ on me, I’d be more’n halfway tempted to just run off t’ the other end of Equestria an’ not tell ‘em where I went.”
“We practically are on the other end of Equestria from Ponyville,” Tiara snorted, smiling. “Can you imagine if you actually did it? You’d have to start all over from scratch!”
“Yep. Do everything myself without my family.”
“No support, nopony else to fall back on for help…”
“No expectations, no favors or bein’ forced to do things just ‘cause family don’t say no.”
Tiara’s voice softened, more talking to herself than Apple Bloom, her gaze turning unfocused. She could just imagine it, a vague shape in the mist outside the window of her train of thought. “Figuring things out for myself, making my own mistakes…”
Apple Bloom laughed, and Tiara snapped back to reality, glaring at her for a moment.
“I ain’t laughing at you,” Bloom said, waving a hoof. “Ah’m just thinkin’ about how cross they’d be if we didn’t even show up.”
Tiara could see the scowl her father always used when he had to start using the red pen in the ledger. She smiled.
Filthy smiled. He had eleven.
The dealer smiled back. She had fourteen.
“Hit me,” he said, confidently. The dealer peeled the top card off the deck and put it in front of him.
“Nine. Player’s total is twenty.”
Filthy nodded approvingly. “I’ll stay there.”
“Dealer hits,” she said, drawing the top card and placing it in front of herself. “Seven. Dealer’s total is twenty-one. Better luck next time, sir.”
Filthy’s expression twisted into a scowl.
“Too bad we wouldn’t get to see it,” she said. “And even though it would be fun… I can’t disappoint my family like that. Neither of us can. I know how much it means to you.”
“Yeah,” Bloom sighed. She glanced past Tiara’s shoulder. “Oh hey, there’s the ball!”
She pointed, and Tiara turned. They walked over to the massive object. It was a riot of color, a criss-cross of rainbows and monotone wrapped around a sphere that stood taller than Big Mac.
“Bigger than I thought I’d be,” Bloom admitted.
A mare waved from a small stand next to the ball. “Hey there! First time seeing the local sights?” She was the bright color of the desert sky on a cloudless day, her mane the navy of the same sky just after sunset.
“Has anypony ever come back?” Tiara asked.
“Oh sure,” the pony said. “There’s an annual party in these parts! We wrap a new layer of string around the ball and the ponies who attend get to buy string to add to it. Foals get some for free, of course. It makes them part of history!”
“Ah bet that’s a real draw for tourism,” Bloom said, trying to hold back a snort.
“Biggest event for miles around!” the mare said. “I’m Loose Weave, owner and currently only caretaker of the World’s Largest Ball of String.” Bloom and Tiara could hear the capital letters because the ball was Very Important.
“Nice to meet you,” Tiara said. She’d matured a lot over the years, which was why she only thought about saying something like ‘it’s the biggest event for miles around because the only other thing to do is count tumbleweeds’.
“So what brings you two to this part of the woods?” Loose Weave asked.
“We’re on our way to get hitched,” Apple Bloom said.
“Ah!” Loose Weave smiled. “Tying the knot, huh? That happens to be something I know a lot about! You know, because… string.” She looked between the two of them, seeking some kind of approval. “It’s a metaphor,” she explained, in case they didn’t get the joke.
“It’s a… real good metaphor!” Apple Bloom said, laughing and elbowing Tiara until she chuckled, too. “Say, y’all wouldn’t happen to have anything for a couple travelers lookin’ for provisions?”
“Well of course!” Loose Weave grinned. “We’ve got some of the finest hoof-crafted gourmet foods this side of the Pretty Good Canyon! It’s not exactly grand, but us locals are proud of it anyway.”
She stepped out from behind the counter and motioned for Bloom and Tiara to follow her, leading them to an aisle packed with snacks and bottled drinks.
“We’ve got Sunrise Sarsaparilla, fresh-squeezed cactus juice, about fifty types of bottled water dependin’ on if you want it mined from Crystal Empire glaciers or somethin’ more humble and from a creek, and of course our house-made Stringee Soda!”
“Stringee Soda?” Tiara asked.
Weave picked up a glass bottle. Inside, tiny balls of brightly-colored something floated in a clear liquid. “Secret family recipe. Doesn’t have any real string, though. Promise!”
“Good to know,” Apple Bloom said.
“I’ll grab you two a basket. Why don’t you look at the snacks, and I’ll be right back!” Weave trotted off happily. Tiara could see the little bounce in her step that said she was expecting to make a week’s profits off them in one sale.
“You know as much as she said these were gourmet foods, I ain’t never thought corn chips with chili spices were real fancy eatin’,” Bloom said, picking up a bag.
“It’s gourmet because she’s charging double,” Tiara muttered. She nudged the sticker on the bag Bloom was holding to reveal the manufacturer’s suggested price, which was considerably more kind to the wallet.
“Well, it’s your money, why don’t you pick things out?” Bloom suggested. “I’ll be happy with anythin’.”
“My money?” Tiara asked. “Um…”
“Somethin’ wrong?”
Diamond swallowed, her throat dry. “This is really… embarrassing. The truth is, I, uh… maybe you could pick up the tab on this one?” She looked down at her hooves, not able to meet Bloom’s gaze.
“If, uh… if I told you I didn’t exactly have what y’all might call… money…” Apple Bloom trailed off.
“Neither of us have money?” Tiara hissed, starting to sweat. “What are we going to do?”
“Applejack told me you’d be payin’ for everything on this trip!” Bloom said, defensively.
“And Daddy told me you’d be paying,” Tiara said. “Great.” She rubbed her temples. She was starting to get a headache and wasn’t sure if it was stress or dehydration.
Apple Bloom’s stomach rumbled. “What do we do?”
Tiara looked at the bottles of water. Her knees felt weak.
“How much can you carry while running?” Tiara asked.
“I never saw a run of bad luck like that,” Applejack said. “The other players did fine, but I’d swear the fates were out to get you, Filthy.”
“Unfortunately, fair means the players still lose sometimes,” Filthy said, trying to sound like he wasn’t extremely concerned about the future. Then again, things just needed to hold together for another day or two and then it would all be water under the bridge.
He popped another seaweed fritter into his mouth. He needed to chew something just to keep his teeth from grinding together. They’d retreated back to the resort’s artificial beach. If nothing else, the drinks were strong enough that they took the sting out of losing.
And they were letting him run a tab. Right now, that counted for a lot.
“I suppose that’s true,” Applejack said. She glanced back. “Excuse me, waitress? Can I get another one of these here, uh, what was the name? Sunrise Shimmer?”
“Tequila Sunrise,” Filthy corrected.
“Yeah, that.”
The waitress stepped back over, looking pensive. Filthy didn’t notice her expression, too focused on drowning his sorrows.
“Ah, sir?” she asked.
“I’d like another drink as well,” he said. “Scotch on the rocks, thank you.”
“Actually, sir, um,” the waitress coughed. “The manager wanted to speak to you for a moment. It’s about your deposit. Miss Penny Dreadful called and had some words with him.”
“Well, I’m sure I can clear this up,” Filthy said. He smiled at Applejack. “I think it’s been so long since I’ve taken a vacation that my bank is worried somepony else ran off with my checkbook!”
“That sure would be crazy,” Applejack said. A bead of sweat worked its way down her face. It had nothing to do with the temperature.
“I can’t believe we did that,” Apple Bloom groaned. “Applejack is gonna kill me!”
“Hey, I only wanted to grab drinks and some chips. You’re the one who decided she needed a hat,” Diamond Tiara pointed out. She sipped at the soda in her hooves. “Ew. It tastes like corn syrup and disappointment. Gourmet my flank.”
“Ah needed the hat! I was gettin’ sunburned!” Apple Bloom said, defensively.
“You don’t need it now,” Tiara said. “The stars are coming out.”
They’d bolted a few miles down the road with their ill-gotten gains, turning off the path and into the scrubland, stopping on the far side of one of the low, rolling hills. The mad dash had left them twice as exhausted and ten times as thirsty as they’d been before becoming Equestria’s newest criminals.
“Besides, your sister loves you,” Tiara said. “And more importantly, she’ll never find out.”
“Tiara, there ain’t one thing in my entire life that Applejack ain’t found out about almost at th’ same time I tried to hide it,” Apple Bloom said. “Ah had a diary for all of two days afore I caught her readin’ it!”
“Daddy tried to publish mine,” Tiara said. “He thought publishers would just love to have the ‘unfiltered thoughts of a child.’”
Apple Bloom snorted. “It’d mostly be about callin’ me a blank flank for years on end.”
“Well, yeah,” Tiara admitted. “But that’s because you were the only interesting thing to talk about. School was so boring when you and your friends weren’t around.”
“You and Silver Spoon never seemed to want us around at all.” Apple Bloom reached for a bag of chips, pulling them open with her teeth and ripping the package, crisps flying everywhere. “Dangit.”
Tiara picked one up from the ground and shook it off, looking at it closely. “I was a pretty awful brat.” She popped the chip into her mouth and immediately regretted it when grit covered her tongue. “Why did I think that was a good idea?”
“Here, have some water,” Apple Bloom offered her the half-empty bottle, and Tiara took it to wash the sand out of her mouth. “It’s a good question, though. Why did you ever think tormentin’ me was a good idea?”
“Mom always said that if you want to be on top, you had to push other ponies down,” Tiara explained. “You taught me I was wrong about that. Mom had it backwards. Making other ponies better makes you a better pony too.”
“An’ now you’ve gone and made me a petty criminal.”
“Well, I’m not perfect,” Tiara shrugged. “I’m still working on it.”
“You got a lot better,” Bloom said. “You’re a good pony. Even the whole havin’ to get hitched thing, it ain’t that it was you that got me upset. It just wasn’t how ah wanted mah life to go.”
Tiara reached for a chip, and her hoof touched Bloom’s. She started to flinch back, but Apple Bloom grabbed her hoof, holding it lightly. She turned to look at Diamond Tiara, just barely able to see her in the starlight.
“Sorry about all this,” Tiara whispered.
“Ah’m startin’ to think it ain’t all bad. At least we’re doin’ somethin’ interesting instead of sittin’ in Ponyville and complainin’,” Apple Bloom said, her cheeks starting to turn pink. “Sort of like a long date.”
“If this was a date, instead of a pre-honeymoon or whatever, it wouldn’t be so bad,” Tiara squeezed her hoof.
“Even with the shopliftin’?”
“Especially with that,” Tiara said. She smiled. “I haven’t done anything really naughty like that in a long time.”
“Well, if this was a date, there’s one more naughty thing we could try,” Apple Bloom said. She pulled Tiara closer, leaned in, and kissed her.
“What do you mean she canceled the reservations?” Filthy hissed. “How dare she humiliate me like this! I’ll have you know when--”
“Sir, I’m not the one who denied your line of credit,” the hotel manager said. “Miss Penny Dreadful said the money disappeared from the escrow account, and I am just the bearer of bad news. That is what my clerk told you, and it’s what I’m telling you, too.”
“Surely you can understand this is some kind of mistake,” Filthy said, laughing. “We’re part of the wedding party! If there’s an issue, you can just charge it to the Apple family’s account and we can sort it out later.”
“Woah, woah, woah,” Applejack said. “What are you goin’ on about?”
“Some sort of bank trouble,” Filthy said. He continued, with no intention of ever actually following through with his promise. “I’ll pay you back later.”
“Uh…” Applejack swallowed. “So the thing is, and this is a mite of a sticky situation, uh…”
“The Apple family’s line of credit was also denied,” the manager cut in. “Frankly I don’t care which of you pays, as long as somepony does.”
“What?” Filthy Rich sputtered. “How could their credit be declined? They’re the wealthiest family in Ponyville! They own half the land between town hall and the Everfree!”
“And Filthy here is the CEO of Barnyard Bargains!” Applejack put in. “His money’s good!”
“Ma’am. Sir. You’re both part of the wedding party. Your signatures are both on the paperwork.” The manager sighed. He looked and felt exhausted. “If one of you can’t provide cash or a valid line of credit, I will have to involve the authorities. Miss Dreadful has given me strict instructions.”
Filthy paled and turned to Applejack, whispering and not meeting her gaze. “Applejack, please, I need you to cover this right now. The truth is, there’s a minor cash flow issue at Barnyard Bargains. I had to get a new mortgage to make the deposit, and I don’t know what Penny Dreadful did, but I’m sure I can clear it up as long as we make a good faith payment just to cover tonight.”
“Just to--” Applejack sputtered. “You ain’t got no money?!”
“I’ll have money later!” Filthy promised. “It’s just a bad quarter for business between that superstore the griffons opened and my ex-wife’s lawyer finding new and inventive ways to buck me over!”
Applejack leaned in to whisper. “Well, uh, truth is, we’re sort of… light on bits. Granny Smith needed her last hip replaced for symmetry and then there was a little bit of a blight, and we were selling apples at cost to the palace…”
“You don’t have any money?!” Filthy hissed. “Then how were you going to pay for all this?!”
“You’re the one named after havin’ a lot of money, what’s your excuse?!”
Filthy Rich clenched his jaw tight enough that several blocks away, a dentist sat up in alarm, feeling apprehensive without knowing why. “I’m calling off the wedding,” Filthy growled. “I won’t have my precious Diamond marry ponies who are just trying to get their hooves on my bits!”
“I’ll second that!” Applejack snapped. “All you want is to prop up your little empire by havin’ my little sister marry that little brat you raised!”
“How dare you!” Rich gasped. “Diamond Tiara is a leader, not like that trouble-making liability--”
“You callin’ me a liar?!”
“I said liability, you uneducated hick!”
“Oh that’s it!” Applejack yelled. She slammed her hoof into Filthy’s jaw, and if he hadn’t already been clenching it so tightly he would have promptly retaliated by hitting the floor.
He staggered back, then roared in anger and charged at her.
The hotel manager sighed and turned to one of the clerks. “Go get security.”
“Gotta admit, the last half of this trip has been a lot nicer than the first,” Apple Bloom said. Her hooves were sore, but now that she wasn’t pulling the cart, she felt as light as a feather. The lights and sounds of the city were overwhelming after miles of barren sand, giving everything a dreamlike and unreal feeling.
“Are you saying that because we finally got to Las Pegasus, or the other thing?” Diamond Tiara asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Don’t see why it can’t be both,” Apple Bloom said. “All I know is it’s gonna be awful nice gettin’ to a hotel an’ havin’ a roof over our heads. Sleepin’ in the back of a cart sure does lose its charm after a week.” She blushed. “Even if the company was pleasant.”
Tiara laughed a little, covering her mouth. “It was our pre-honeymoon. Whatever that means.”
“If I was the type to think they put any thought into it, I’d suspect the idea was if we spent a week alone we’d either start gettin’ along real good or one of us would end up buried in the desert.”
Diamond Tiara shook her head. “Daddy wouldn’t think that way. He probably decided it was a way to avoid having to deal with us until after the wedding.”
They laughed and turned the corner, and the splendor of Seapony’s Palace came into view. After a trip spent sleeping rough all night and with the sun beating down all day, it looked like heaven, if heaven had a dozen uniformed officers standing out front. Apple Bloom felt her heart skip a beat, and she grabbed Tiara, pushing her behind a sign advertising an all-carrot buffet.
“What are you doing?” Tiara demanded.
“Look!” Bloom whispered, pointing. Tiara paled when she saw the authorities. “They must be here because of us!”
“You think they’d go to all that trouble for shoplifting?” Tiara asked.
“You saw how high those prices were! We probably racked up a felony just from the bottles of water!”
Tiara slid down to the ground, back pressed against the buffet sign. “What do we do? We can’t go in there! We’ll get arrested and my father will be so disappointed and the wedding will get called off…” she groaned.
“But if the wedding gets called off…” Apple Bloom could see it now. Granny’s hips getting repossessed. Selling the farm for practically nothing to pay off the debt. Banks locking them up in the vault, or whatever it was they did when you had a loan you couldn’t pay.
“We have to do it ourselves.” Tiara stood up. “We’ll just… we’ll get married ourselves. Ponies do that all the time, right?”
“Ah mean… ah guess they do,” Apple Bloom said, though it felt more like she was questioning it than agreeing with it. “But what about the weddin’ plans our folks made?”
Tiara rolled her eyes. “Considering the planning they did for our little vacation? We’re probably better off with whatever we can afford.”
“Which is basically nothin,” Apple Bloom reminded her. “We ain’t got no bits, remember?”
“We can afford that,” Tiara said, pointing behind Apple Bloom.
Bloom turned. A billboard loomed over them, limelight and neon making Princess Cadance look ghostly and unreal and larger than life, which she was since the billboard had her pictured around thirty feet tall.
“One night only,” Apple Bloom read. “Get married by the Princess of Love! An’ it says here it’s free!”
“It’s destiny,” Tiara said.
“You know when I pictured gettin’ hitched, this ain’t exactly what I had in mind,” Apple Bloom said. She looked into the mirror, trying to get the white dress to fit correctly. It was just a little too snug around the shoulders for the farmgirl.
Diamond Tiara adjusted the sequined suit she was wearing. “I know what you mean. I thought I’d at least have a dress.” She sighed and turned to look at Apple Bloom and blushed. “You look…”
She wasn’t wearing makeup, but she’d put her hair up into a bun, the veil trailing down her neck and hanging almost to her knees. The dress clung to her curves, almost skin-tight and leaving just enough to the imagination that even though Tiara had seen all that Apple Bloom had to show, the wedding dress still managed to make it enticing.
“It’s silly, ain’t it?” Apple Bloom asked. “It’s too tight around my flank, too.”
“It’s perfect,” Diamond Tiara said.
Apple Bloom smiled at her. “The suit fits you. Makes you look all professional. Also sort of blindin’ if the light hits it right.”
“Thanks,” Tiara said, feeling a little better already. “You know, it’s supposed to be bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. Should we be changing in the same room?”
A voice cut in from the doorway. “That particular myth started back when the groom and bride didn’t meet before the ceremony.”
Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara turned, and then bowed as Princess Cadance stepped in. Her usual regalia was gone, and she was wearing what had to be the most elaborate suit either of the other ponies had ever seen. White, studded with diamonds and embroidered in gold, with a popped collar going all the way up her long neck. A cape swooshed with every movement she made, and it was cut so low in front a deep V ran almost all the way down to her belly button.
“Don’t bow,” Cadance said. “I’m not on official princess duty right now. This is a vacation and ponies should definitely not be bowing to anypony dressed like this.” She giggled.
Apple Bloom straightened up, secretly thankful the borrowed dress hadn’t torn open. “A vacation? But ain’t y’all doin’ an awful lot of work for a vacation?”
“That’s why I’m doing theme weddings,” Cadance explained. “Yesterday it was mermaids, today it’s the King!” She put on a pair of sunglasses and struck a pose. “Does everything fit okay? It’s all from second-hoof shops.”
“It fits okay, but I thought a wedding with a Princess would be more… formal,” Diamond Tiara admitted.
“Formal usually means the ponies involved are sticks in the mud,” Cadance said. “I’m doing this to have fun. There are too many ponies that forget that you don’t have to stop having fun just because it’s your special day.”
“I could use some fun,” Tiara admitted.
“I can tell. You two looked stressed out when you came in here,” Cadance said. “So which one of you is pregnant?”
“W-what?!” Apple Bloom sputtered. “That can happen with two girls?!”
Cadance giggled. “I’m just joking!” She motioned for them to follow her, walking back into the main hall. “So I know how you two met, but I didn’t know you were dating. I always expected Apple Bloom to end up with Scootaloo, to be honest.”
“It’s kind of a long story,” Diamond Tiara deflected.
Apple Bloom sighed. “It ain’t that long. Our folks wanted us to get married.”
Cadance’s steps slowed. She lowered her sunglasses to look at them. “That’s the only reason? If you’re going to make that kind of commitment, there needs to be more than just obligations and responsibilities. It’s important to be honest with each other about your feelings and worries.”
Diamond Tiara and Apple Bloom shared a look.
“This is humiliating,” Filthy muttered.
“If y’all would have stopped smiling, they wouldn’t’ve smacked you so hard,” Applejack said.
“It’s a reflex. I see a camera, I smile.”
“Even for mug shots?”
“Well it was my first time getting them, how was I supposed to know what they wanted?” Filthy demanded, rattling the bars. “This is totally unjust. All I did was try to enjoy a succulent meal and have a wedding for my daughter!”
“You mean you were tryin’ to sell her off t’ get at whatever Apple family fortune you were imaginin’” Applejack corrected. She was sitting on the only cot in the small cell and didn’t intend to give it up.
“You basically did the same thing!”
“This ain’t the time to point hooves and assign blame,” Applejack said. “We got somethin’ more important to do.”
“What?” Filthy asked, frowning.
“We gotta figure out who we can call to bail us out.”
“You know the royalty pretty well,” Rich muttered. “Do you think Princess Celestia can send a cheque with magic?”
“Might be worth findin’ out.”
“The thing is--” Apple Bloom started.
“The reason--” Diamond said, at the same time. “You go first.”
Apple Bloom nodded. “Truth is, Applejack wanted me to marry you for the money.”
Diamond Tiara snorted with laughter.
“It ain’t funny,” Apple Bloom said, frowning. “If’n I don’t do this, we’ll be up cow patty creek without a paddle! We can’t even get loans no more because the bank owns most of the farm.”
“I wish Daddy knew that,” Tiara said, wiping tears from her eyes. “He’s convinced you’re sitting on a bigger pile of treasure than most dragons! He wanted me to marry you so you could bail him out!”
“Pretty sure that ain’t how a farm subsidy is supposed to work,” Apple Bloom grumbled.
“You know, if neither of us has money, there’s not really any reason we have to do this,” Tiara said. “It’d probably make Daddy really angry if he couldn’t auction me off to the highest bidder.”
“And Applejack would be cross cause she’d have to actually sit on her pride an’ ask some of our cousins for help instead of doin’ things herself on the quiet.”
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Tiara asked.
“I donno, but I’m thinkin’ we should get hitched just so our folks can’t make us marry nopony we don’t like.”
“I was thinking more that we should do it out of spite, but you’ve got a point too.”
Cadance coughed politely. “I was hoping to hear a certain word. One with four letters?” Cadance gave them a hopeful, pained smile. The smile of a teacher trying to get a slow student to work their way around to the right answer. “Starts with the letter L?”
Tiara and Bloom looked at each other.
“Let’s just take it from the top and try some improv with the vows,” Cadance said. She pushed aside a curtain, and the music swelled. She walked out with her hips moving in ways that could corrupt the youth of a nation if they dared gaze upon them.
Shining Armor clapped from his front-row seat. “Work those hips, honey!” he yelled. He was the only pony clapping, since the sole other pony in the room was busy with the sound system.
“Thanks!” Cadance shouted over the music, waving to him. She pushed her sunglasses up and struck a pose. The volume of the rock and roll faded from concert to background music, low enough that she could speak over it. “We’re gathered here today in this funky palace of love to bring together these two young ponies in blessed matrimony! Is there anypony here who objects to their union?”
“Nope!” Shining Armor said. “They seem like a great couple.”
“Um…” Tiara glanced at Shining Armor.
Cadance winked at the young couple. “Don’t mind him, Shiny’s the official witness. The first one of these I did, it was all reporters and the press, so now they’re very private ceremonies. Much more intimate.”
“It’s not a paid position but I do get free drinks,” Shining Armor said. He held up a margarita and winked at Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara.
“Do we get free drinks?” Apple Bloom asked.
“How old are you, again?” Cadance asked.
“Old enough to get married,” Apple Bloom retorted.
“Let’s hold off until after the ceremony,” Tiara said. “Daddy’s lawyers would find some loophole if they thought I’d been drinking before signing everything.”
Cadance smiled and clapped her hooves. “Ooh! Good sign! You’re thinking ahead to the future and want to stay together! Also, you’re sober, which is pretty uncommon for this kind of ceremony.” She cleared her throat. “Now, the couple will exchange vows.”
“I, uh, don’t really got nothin’ prepared,” Apple Bloom whispered.
“It’s okay,” Cadance said. “Just let it come from the heart.”
Apple Bloom nodded. “Diamond Tiara, when we were foals, y’all tormented me and gave me all sorts of nightmares. There weren’t nopony I hated more in the world.”
Tiara winced.
“But that changed,” Apple Bloom said. “Turned out it was yer family causin’ all the problems. When you stopped actin’ like them, you ended up bein’ a good pony. And you kept bein’ a good pony because that’s what you’re really like on the inside. When all this happened ah thought it was the worst thing ever! Our families were gonna make us get hitched and we’d be miserable the rest of our lives.
“That pre-honeymoon or whatever it was, we got to see each other in the worst of times. We didn’t have no money or food or even shelter! All we had was ourselves. We had t’ spend all that time with each other an’ we didn’t even end up fightin’. That’s what a couple should be like - two ponies against whatever the world throws at ‘em.”
Apple Bloom reached out and took Tiara’s hoof.
“Ah don’t know what’s gonna come next, but in this mess, the only good times we’ve had were when we decided things for ourselves. Maybe it’s a mistake but ah’d rather make a mistake with you than be responsible with some other pony, an’ maybe that’s what love is like.”
Diamond Tiara looked away, her cheeks bright red. “Is it my turn?”
“Go ahead,” Cadance said.
“I don’t even know how I’m supposed to follow up a soppy story like that,” Tiara said. “It doesn’t even feel fair, because I know I’m not really great at talking to other ponies about my feelings and you just went and poured your heart out like it was no big deal.”
She took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. She looked at Apple Bloom, her expression deadly serious.
“I’ve been a tool for my family my whole life. My mom hated that my dad did so many deals with your family, so she kept telling me I had to put you in your place. My dad was always too busy to spend time with me, but he had plenty of money to throw around, and I thought that’s what love was -- giving presents to another pony.”
Tiara swallowed, looking down for a moment.
“Then when Mom left, and things changed… it felt like he stopped loving me. He couldn’t buy me things, he was angry when I talked to him…” She took a deep breath. “I mean, I get it now. He was frustrated and scared and we never really learned how to talk to each other. Silver Spoon was probably the only pony that I could open up to, until now.”
She drew in a breath to continue, and her train of thought hit something on the rails.
“I never even told Daddy that I liked mares!” she said. “Only Silver ever knew that and I made her promise to keep it secret! He was going to marry me off without even knowing!”
“Good thing it worked out,” Apple Bloom said, holding back a giggle.
“Thank you for putting up with me.” Tiara smiled, tears in her eyes. “Some ponies would say we should start over fresh, but I don’t want to. I made mistakes, but I think I learned from them. You helped me be a better pony. I don’t want to forget the past or let it just be water under the bridge, I want to let it be the bridge. It’s what connects us.”
“You two are really good at improv,” Cadance whispered, winking at them. “No one has objected to this union, and so, Apple Bloom, do you take Diamond Tiara to be your lawfully wedded wife? To help her continue to grow as a pony and let her help you grow as well?”
“Ah do,” Apple Bloom said.
“And do you, Diamond Tiara, take Apple Bloom as your lawfully wedded wife? To stand beside her no matter what the world does to try and come between you?”
“I do,” Diamond Tiara agreed.
“Then as the Princess of love, with all the authority that comes with my title, I declare you mare and mare. You may kiss the bride.”
Apple Bloom leaned towards Diamond Tiara and suddenly felt pensive.
“What are we gonna do after this?” she whispered.
“I don’t know yet,” Tiara admitted. “But that’s half the fun.”
She leaned in the rest of the way, and their lips touched.
When ponies later wrote a book about the history of kisses, it wouldn’t break into the top ten, being narrowly edged out by a particularly passionate exchange between a retired secret agent and a member of the Guild of Buskers, Street Magicians, and Escorts. Even so, it was the kind of kiss Cadance could feel from fifty paces. It was small, not too long, tender, and warm.
If the whole wedding had been cursed by misfortune and misunderstanding, it was exactly the kind of kiss that would break it.
This wasn’t the end of their story. It was just a start to a new chapter. They’d have to work hard, learn more about each other, and occasionally sweep one another off their hooves, but if you had to put it simply…
They lived happily ever after.
