An Open Letter to the Foal Free Press
To the editors of the Foal Free Press:
I have been a loyal reader of your paper for some time now, but I must say that I am very disappointed with your latest issue. Your headlining story “Get Strawbe-Wrecked” was not only in poor taste but simply untrue and exaggerated in far too many ways. I purchase this paper for its weekly news and its respectful in-depth profiles of the citizens of Ponyville, not for libelous gossip, and especially not for such gossip about myself. Even the title comes across as a personal attack! Therefore, I write to you today with the intent of correcting the record and hopefully dissuading you from publishing such lies and exaggerations as these again.
While I cannot speak to the truth of the content unrelated to my own experience, such as the specifics of the conversation between Applejack and Rainbow Dash which you have thoroughly described, I can tell you that I have never harassed Applejack to the extent suggested in your article. It is true that we have...a bit of a rivalry, and it is true that I might make offhand comments about her disgusting mealyworm-filled apples every once in a while, but I don’t mean anything by it. I don’t understand why anypony else would like those things, but for whatever reason they do, and if somepony wants to eat them or even cook with them, that’s their prerogative. Perhaps my tone could use some work, I’ll admit that, but I’ve never intended anything more than light teasing. And for better or worse, even I will admit that Applejack is ordinarily a pillar of the community.
Note that I say “ordinarily.” One of the few aspects of your story which I can testify that you have correctly described is Applejack’s reaction to one of my most recent visits to her stall. I had initially passed by without comment, as I was on my way to a book club meeting at a café toward the center of town, but I nevertheless felt quiet disdain toward the fact that Applejack was selling those awful apples again. I continued on my way at first, but noting that there was a bit of time to spare, I decided to turn back to go make a few lighthearted comments about her wares - purely in jest, of course. I was carrying a basket of strawberries with me to share with the book club, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go ahead and indulge myself just a bit. They were mine, after all, and there would still be plenty left for everypony.
Now, as I’m sure you know, I love strawberries. As I neared Applejack’s stall, I placed them on my tongue one at a time to savor the flavor. I was hardly able to contain my delight, but that’s nothing to be ashamed of, and I would certainly never judge another pony for a simple “Mmm!” once in a while. Well...maybe if they were eating apples, but I wouldn’t say anything out loud. Usually. And if they were eating my strawberries, I’d take it as a compliment.
When I got to the stand, I made a few sarcastic remarks, as one does. That part is true in a general sense, at least. But while I can’t recall exactly what I said, I am sure it was nothing so extreme as the exaggerations you’ve printed here. And I backed off immediately when I saw Applejack’s expression. I don’t know if she was truly encouraged by Rainbow Dash or what really happened earlier that day, but she seemed much less into the playful aspect of our rivalry than usual. I certainly didn’t provoke her as your paper has suggested - quite the opposite, in fact. Though I wouldn’t normally see it as necessary under the circumstances, I apologized for my comments. I still planned to keep teasing her at another time, of course, but I could see that she wasn’t in the mood.
And then she picked up the stool, and she hit me. You did get that part right, as the borderline graphic picture on the cover of the paper suggests. I for one would never have brought our rivalry to the point of assault and battery, but it happened, and I was shocked to find that Applejack of all ponies would stoop to that level. I said earlier that I could testify to how Applejack reacted to my presence on that day, and I do mean that literally. While I have not yet done so, I am looking into the possibility of pressing charges. I was at the hospital in town for several days as I recovered from the concussion that Applejack gave me, and while there was fortunately no permanent damage, those days were among the worst of my life. Not to mention that I missed the book club meeting - if anypony from the club is reading this, I’m sorry that I didn’t make it there with the strawberries! You can blame Applejack for that. And while it is true that my missing tooth was never found, the article’s statement that my tooth was still missing a few days later is largely incorrect - the hospital was able to magically clone one of my adjacent teeth and restore it in the missing tooth’s place.
And it is with that last correction that I move on to the second portion of your story, which you labeled with a subheading titled “Strawbe-Rematch.” Up until this portion of the story, the article, while still an exaggeration and clearly slanted against me, at least had some of the facts correct. “Strawbe-Rematch” can be described only as a complete fantasy. To the best of my knowledge, hardly anypony took Applejack’s side in the aftermath. Ponyville is largely a nonviolent place, with one of the lowest crime rates in Equestria and physical altercations taking place only when villains or dangerous creatures from the Everfree Forest invade. The idea that somepony from Ponyville would attack somepony else was a shock not only to me, as I expressed earlier, but to the entire town. The only ponies I know of who have defended Applejack simply don’t believe it even happened in the first place, and I understand that even her friends have suggested that she receive anger management counseling.
But that is not the only issue with “Strawbe-Rematch.” The story continues to devolve into something borderlining smut - fit only for tabloids with no journalistic integrity at all. Did you do any research for this story? Did somepony tell you these lies which you utterly failed to fact-check or did you simply fabricate the entire thing? Did a certain one of your reporters hope to sway the town by casting Applejack in a better light than she deserved and simultaneously smearing my own name? I have not yet visited Applejack at her stand again as the article claims - in fact, my lawyer has advised me not to do so. (He also advised me not to send this letter, but as you can see, I couldn’t bring myself to follow that particular piece of advice.) And while I don’t mind publicly showing my love for strawberries, and might even dabble in BDSM once in a while, I am no exhibitionist. I have nothing against anyone who is, but I would never do anything with such overt sexual implications in public - I was even hesitant to discuss my proclivities here at all, but unfortunately you gave me no choice. And quite frankly, I am shocked that your families would allow you to write about any such thing in the first place, even if it was true.
While I am sure there are more issues with your story than I have discussed here, I think I have addressed the most important ones. This letter has gone on long enough. Please issue a full retraction of the article in question and publish this letter in the next issue of your paper, or I may be forced to take additional steps. I hope that in the future you will refrain from publishing such gossip and that this paper may soon return to its former glory.
Sincerely,
Strawberry Sunrise
P.S. Assuming this letter has been published, bring a copy to my strawberry stand this week to get 5 strawberries for free!*
*Offer ends one week after the publication of this letter. Free strawberries are available to anypony in Ponyville who brings a copy - yes, even you, Applejack. Maximum of 5 strawberries per pony. While supplies last.
Author's Note
Thank you to GeodesicDragon for writing the original story - to be clear, this story is just an in-character thing; I definitely don't actually want you to take it down or change anything about it! - and to TJPones for creating the original image that inspired it.
(And feel free to consider Strawberry Sunrise to be as much of an unreliable narrator here as you want.)
