Twilight Sparkle stood proudly at the front of the Ponyville Schoolhouse classroom. Thanks to her efforts as princess, the students started the year with tablet phones for Cheerilee to lead lessons with. Now she was taking one more step toward bringing Equestria to her vision of the future.
The alicorn wrapped her wing around a small griffon with brown feathers who stood next to her. “Everyone, I’d like you to meet your new classmate, Gertie. Her family moved here from Griffonstone, and I hope you all get along.”
Cheerilee walked to the other side of the griffon with a smile. “Now Gertie, why don’t you tell everyone more about yourself.”
She nodded then shuffled forward as her classmates watched. Blushing, she said, “Hi, I’m Gertie. Though, you already know that. My family moved here from Griffonstone. Though, uh, you already know that too.”
An awkward silence hung in the air, and Twilight was about to step in, but then Scootaloo raised a hoof from her desk. “Gertie, do you like swings?"
Taken aback, Gertie stammered a bit, but then nodded.
Scootaloo leapt from her desk, quickly followed by the other Cutie Mark Crusaders. “We have a great swing right outside! It just got fixed up since the last monster attack.”
Apple Bloom followed up with, “Do you get a lot of monster attacks in Griffonstone?”
The griffon replied, “Well, uh, not really, but sometimes there are these big one-eyed monsters called arimaspis. Not like the Arimaspi that took the Idol of Boreas, but smaller ones.”
Sweetie Belle jumped in delight, “You have a the Arimaspi?!”
The other foals joined in a crowd around her, excitedly asking questions. Gertie wasn’t overwhelmed, however, and was instead shouting back answers with growing ease, a smile forming on her beak.
Cheerilee walked to Twilight with a smile. “I admit, I was a bit worried how Gertie would get along with everypony, but it looks like it will go just fine.”
Twilight smiled back. “Ponyville is a good place. I never had any doubt that everycreature would be welcoming, and I knew Gertie would be a great fit here.” She looked at the foals and griffon happily chatting. “I hope for a lot more griffons and other creatures to move here, so all of Equestria can improve.”
A raspy cough took over the room. All eyes turned to a stallion standing at the door. His fur was a faded green with white splotches, his mane a yellow-green with patches of dry blonde hair. He looked sickly, yet stood with unusual confidence. His voice reverberated across built up internal slime as he said, “Ha, sounds like the princess wants to turn this place into an anarchist wasteland. I’ll need some citations on Equestria improving.”
Cheerilee stepped forward. “Excuse me, but this is a classroom. Please leave.”
Twilight raised a hoof. “Hold on, let me talk to him.” Being accused of such a bizarre goal definitely piqued her curiosity. “Pardon me, but what’s your name?”
The stallion pulled out a water bottle, popped the cap off onto the ground, and stuck a straw inside. “My name is Gelatinous Schlub, and you’re avoiding the subject. I’m actually a centrist on the topic of griffons living in Ponyville, but I’m willing to play devil’s advocate for the side saying they shouldn’t be here. You need to prove to me that the griffon there won’t drive the town into the ground.”
The school ponies and Gertie gasped. The griffon said, “Princess Twilight, can you make him leave?”
Schlub scoffed. “You’re just afraid of a civil debate. Typical.”
Twilight turned to Gertie and gave her a comforting smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll handle this. Ponies talk things out instead of kicking the other out of the conversation. I’ll set him straight about all this.”
Cheerilee frowned. “Twilight, this really isn’t the time or place.”
“Don’t worry, I can show everycreature how debates can be resolved. And I’m good at debates, especially when the other pony has an obviously wrong conclusion. Once I straighten things out, he’ll be sure to concede.”
After a few seconds of staring, Cheerilee sighed and rolled her eyes. “Alright, fine, knock yourself out.”
Twilight ahemed and said, “First of all, Mr. Schlub, I would like to point out that griffons are already a regular sight at Cloudsdale and that we’ve already had visiting griffons in Ponyville. Among them, only one has done anything that could be considered close to driving the town into the ground. That griffon, Gilda, has since turned over a new leaf and has played a huge role in bringing Equestria and the Griffon Lands together. The weight of precedence is on the side of griffons not causing problems.”
The green and white pony coughed out a laugh. “If you want precedence, then I have a stat for you. Do you know who causes one hundred percent of the crime in Griffonstone? Griffons. Ergo, a griffon living here would lead to a rise in crime. Look up griffon on griffon crime if you don’t believe me.”
Twilight blinked. “You do realize griffons are the only creatures that live in Griffonstone, right? Of course all crime there would be performed by griffons.”
“Ha! So you admit it.”
She waved her hoof. “Yes, but it’s a meaningless statistic! And it’s completely disconnected from your point that Gertie would lead to a rise in crime.”
“You know what isn’t a meaningless statistic? Gilda the griffon.” He sucked on his straw, satisfied with his answer.
The princess reeled back. “I… literally talked about her already. Even if she hadn’t turned over a new leaf, she’s still just one griffon that committed crimes in Ponyville, and that has no bearing on other griffons. If anything, griffons in Equestria are statistically less likely to commit crimes than ponies.”
Liquid sprayed out of the stallion’s mouth. “Ha! Citation needed!”
Twilight furrowed her eyebrows and magically pulled a tablet phone to her, typing a web address into the browser. “Alright, I’ll have one for you in a second.”
And so it continued. Twilight provided facts and citations, then Schlub would direct the conversation to a new topic to avoid addressing them. The air felt heavier and Twilight could feel herself almost getting sicker as she took in breaths. Over time, Schlub soaked up most of his bottle, and he then produced a loud slurping sound.
Twilight’s eyes drifted down to the bottle the strange stallion drank from. It was a regular water bottle filled with a clear liquid, but something was strange. Droplets sprayed out of his mouth as he sucked on the straw, releasing a smell that felt very familiar.
She raised her eyebrow. “Are you… drinking bleach?”
Schlub coughed out his straw and gurgled out, “Uh, no! I’m not an idiot. I’m drinking diluted bleach. All the benefits, none of the downsides.”
Twilight’s eyes widened. Was this the source of his unnatural color? “You know, there isn’t any level of dilution that makes bleach safe to drink, let alone beneficial.”
“Ha! Citation needed! Debate me about it!” He returned to sipping his bleach.
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “I will not!”
“Then it looks like I win.” Schlub looked to Scootaloo, who watched from several feet away. “Hey kid, want some diluted bleach? It’ll make that ugly face look better.”
The filly cringed and backed away. Twilight teleported between her and Schlub. “Keep her out of this!”
“You said diluted bleach can’t be safe to drink here in front of everypony, yet you don’t defend your statement. I say you can’t defend it! Or are you just unwilling to have a reasoned discussion?”
Twilight frowned. How in the world did the argument switch to this? Well, she supposed she started it by asking about the drink, but…
She looked to Gertie, who was clearly very uncomfortable. Twilight still hadn’t convinced him that griffons were worth keeping at the school. She paused. Wait, was that even what he was arguing before? She couldn’t remember. Well, they’d probably circle back to it after they settled this bleach business.
Twilight heard someone go, “psst,” and she turned to see a very unamused Cheerilee. Gritting her teeth, the teacher said, “Princess Twilight. Get. Him. Out of here.”
“Just a second, I think I’ll resolve this soon.” She turned back to Gelatinous Schlub with a grin. “You wanted citations? Well, you’ll get citations!”
Twilight’s horn glowed intensely, and within seconds, stacks upon stacks of papers magically appeared around them, towering toward the ceiling.
“I have years—decades!—of research articles about the effects of bleach on the pony body, at all levels of dilution. I have medical records of ponies that have ingested bleach. I have scientific papers debunking the idea that bleach has any benefit to the pony body!”
Schlub daintily reached for a paper, glanced at it, then tossed it away, the paper gently floating to the ground. “Pssh, I don’t read scientific papers. Get a better source.”
Twilight’s mouth was agape. “What’s your source, then?!”
“A certain Dr. Whowhatsit, that’s who! His ten-hour video about this will open your mind. He also explains why Coloratura is a total slut.”
Twilight stomped her hoof. “He literally died of bleach poisoning!”
Schlub rolled his eyes. “That’s what you want us to think.”
“What! Are you accusing me of—”
She felt something tugging on her wing. Twilight turned to see Gertie standing next to her, looking up with sad eyes. While Schlub garbled on about something, the young griffon said, “Princess Twilight, can you please make him leave?”
The princess’s heart broke. Every second she was standing there debating this stallion, giving any sense of validity to what he was saying, she was hurting the very creatures she wanted to protect.
That was his goal. He never wanted to debate her. He wasn’t going to concede his points, and would instead change the topic whenever he was losing. He wanted to turn her efforts to argue his points into ways to inflict more pain.
Twilight narrowed her eyes. She knew what to do.
Schlub continued, “And that see-through skirt is a veiled symbol for—”
Twilight’s voice broke through his emissions. “I’m done talking to you. You need to leave.”
The stallion scoffed. “I have been nothing but polite, while you’ve been nothing but rude. If anyone should leave, it’s y—”
With a flash of her horn, Gelatinous Schlub was gone. Creatures sighed in relief around Twilight and she could feel the air easing around them. No doubt partially due to the open bleach container being gone now.
Twilight kneeled down and nuzzled Gertie. “I’m so sorry about all that. I assumed I could convince him to change his ways through talking, but I didn’t realize he was using our discussion to continue hurting all of you. I should have listened to you from the start when you wanted him gone.”
Gertie resisted a bit at first, but then reciprocated the nuzzling. “Thank you, Princess, but… I really would have preferred you did that an hour ago.”
Twilight reeled back. “Has it really been an hour?”
She looked to the clock, and then to Cheerilee, whose dour expression confirmed this was indeed the case.
Twilight groaned. “I don’t expect your forgiveness, Gertie. It was entirely my fault for not kicking him out sooner, and I’ll properly apologize through my actions. Next time somecreature bothers you, or any other creature in Ponyville, we’ll kick them out straight away.”
Gertie still looked unsure, but she nodded. “That would be good. Thank you. Is that stallion still in Ponyville somewhere?”
Twilight smiled and shook her head. “Oh don’t worry. He’ll never bother you again.”
Mars. The red planet.
Two small green figures with large heads slid through a crimson forest on a mound of tentacles. They each wrapped one tentacle around the other’s, and they chatted happily, sometimes rubbing their heads together.
After a moment more of sliding, they came across a strange hoofed and four-legged figure gnawing at the bark of a red tree. The friendly sort, the green figures approached him and waved their tentacles.
“Lgmsffsttsawy!” they greeted.
The stranger turned and pointed his hoof at them. “Ha! Citation needed! Debate me!”
The green figures grimaced and walked past him without further interaction.
The stranger pumped his hoof. “Gelatinous Schlub wins another one!”
This pumping motion resulted in heart failure.
Author's Note
For the record, Twilight sent Schlub to a medical center on Mars with a very good Ponish-speaking doctor. He left to eat bark on his own accord.
Much of the dialogue was inspired by Wondermark's The Terrible Sea Lion.
Schlub was inspired by the comments section of posts on FimFiction, Derpibooru, Equestria Daily, and Twitter regarding the brony fandom's Nazi problem, along with the members of hateful subreddits like those recently deleted (The_Donald, GenderCritical, etc.).
