Short Hand

by Andrew Joshua Talon

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Sex
Length: 87633

The myriad misadventures of a plucky human in Equestria.

A continuation of the universe established in "The Stars Revolt", and a reboot of "Hands", Andrew Shepherd is trying to live a normal life as the local Ponyville alien.

Unfortunately, he's in Equestria.

Cover art by Sipioc.

Featured?! Thank you so much!

Published 2020-07-02 00:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2022-12-19 00:02:44 UTC

Meat

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

Now, one major issue that’s been facing me ever since I got to Equestria has been my diet: Protein. The Ponies are, by and large, herbivores. Though they do enjoy eggs, that’s just not enough for an obligate omnivore like me. Chickens, shellfish and regular fish, while better, are also not quite enough to provide the nutrients I needed.

And it’s not like I need a steak every day to survive, but a certain amount of red meat every week is much better than having to take supplement pills. Which the ponies haven’t quite perfected yet.

Once again though, my pony friends came to my aid. Fluttershy and Applejack asked around, and apparently the local cows were willing to help. It took them a few days, but they called me over to the Apple farm. I arrived, was warmly greeted by Applejack and her family, and they ushered me inside.

In the dining room, my eyes latched onto two things immediately: One, a nice, fat, freshly grilled juicy piece of steak on a plate on the table. My mouth began to water.

Two… A cow standing on the other side of the table, all smiles.

I immediately froze, as the cow’s smile grew.

“Hello dear. My name is Daisy. It’s a pleasure to meet you!”

“Ummm,” I began, “you too. I’m Shepherd.”

I stood there, confused. The cow kept smiling.

“Go on ahead,” she said happily, “dig in! You need the meat!”

“Ummm,” I replied, looking at the steak. Daisy followed my eyes, and then shook her head.

“Oh, no! No! Don’t be shy!”

“Er,” I tried, “but the thing is… I mean… What are you doing here?”

The cow chuckled. “Oh, I’m here to see my friend’s end. That’s all.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked, my voice a bit higher pitched than normal. Daisy nodded.

“I knew the cow you’re about to eat,” she explained. “Go on, sit! Sit!”

I very, very slowly walked over to the table. I sat down, the steak’s wonderful scent still wafting into my nostrils. I stared at it for a while, then looked back at Daisy.

"Er... You sure you're okay with this?" I asked. Daisy nodded enthusiastically, still all smiles.

"Oh yes. Circle of life and all that!" She said brightly.

"I mean,” I tried again, “you knew this cow."

Daisy nodded.

"Yes."

"And she was close to you,” I continued. Daisy’s smile became… Sinister.

"As close as enemies can get,” she practically crooned, “Hurry up, she's getting cold!"

I stared at the steak. I picked up the fork and knife the Apples had very kindly provided me-From where, I didn’t know. I slowly cut off a piece, the meat giving way easily. I lifted it to my mouth, as I worked my jaw.

I opened my mouth, and bit down on it. Juicy deliciousness, all around. I nearly groaned in ecstasy at the taste of perfectly grilled meat.

"Yessss,” Daisy hissed, her eyes gleaming, “How does that bitch taste? Fatty from all the grass she stole from me? Rich like all the bulls she stole from me?!”

She leaned over the table, glaring at the steak in vicious glee.

“HOW DOES IT FEEL, MABEL?! HOW DOES IT FEEL?!"

"And I think we're done here,” I decided, standing up and taking my plate with me. I turned and headed for the door, Daisy now ranting.

"BURN IN HELL, MABEL!"

"STOP YELLING AT MY MEAT!"

God, maybe I should just become vegan.

I had another bite of Mabel-I mean the steak. I shook my head.

Nah.

Author's Note

Enjoy your Fourth of July barbecues! And just be happy the meat can't talk back...

Why

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

Twilight Sparkle was still getting used to Ponyville and having friends, but she was finding the discoveries and mysteries of it fascinating and rewarding. Sitting down to breakfast at a cafe with her friends was a wonderful experience, as they bantered back and forth and debated aspects of their lives and others' lives, was... Fun! It was all so amazing and new. She nibbled on her eggs, not wanting to miss a thing as Rarity had launched into an entertaining (and rather scandalous) story about a job she’d had to repair.

"And so I said to him,” Rarity stated, her smile giving away it was the crescendo of the tale,”'cross-stitch? What is this, the Middle Ages?'"

Applejack chuckled, Dash rolled her eyes with a groan, while Pinkie Pie fell out of her chair and rolled on the ground laughing.

"AHAHAHAHAHA! ... Ages. Classic!"

Twilight herself enjoyed a small chuckle, mostly at Pinkie’s antics. Which was not unnoticed by Rainbow Dash.

"Ugh. Tell me you didn't get that nerd joke, Twilight?" Dash asked dryly.

“‘Nerd joke’, indeed!” Rarity huffed. Twilight looked apologetically at Rarity.

"Well, actually... I don't know that much about stitching. But I'd be happy to learn more!" She said honestly. Rarity lit up, leaning over the table with an eager smile.

"Oh, you must Twilight! You must!" Rarity gushed.

"Oh yes! Textiles are actually a vital part of history, as they are a reflection of the technology and culture of the day,” Twilight said, as Dash groaned.

“Freaking nerds,” Dash muttered. Applejack snorted.

“This from the gal who’s memorized the Wonderbolts routine for the last hundred years,” the farmer deadpanned. Dash scowled.

“That is not nerdy! That is awesome!”

Twilight chuckled.

“I’d love to learn about that, too! Getting the inside scoop on things would be… Interesting…”

She trailed off as she saw Fluttershy trot up to the table, looking morose. Her rabbit Angel was hopping alongside her, looking irritated. Immediately, she was filled with concern.

"Fluttershy? What's wrong?" Twilight asked. Rarity moved a chair behind their shy friend, and Fluttershy sat down in it with a plop and a sigh. Rarity immediately scooted over, a sympathetic expression on her face. Dash moved to Fluttershy’s other side, a habit of protection for her oldest friend.

"Oh, darling... It didn't go well, did it?"

"No... I'm sorry. I probably did something wrong,” Fluttershy sighed. Her rabbit Angel held up a bottle of chloroform, and she glared at him. "No! I told you, we will never do that!"

Now Twilight was confused, and more than a little disturbed.

"Do what?" Twilight asked. Dash sighed.

"Well, she-Ohhh that nag."

She glared, as did the rest of Twilight's friends, at something behind her. Twilight looked over her shoulder. She could see Andrew Shepherd, the only human in Equestria... Talking happily with Carrot. The Earth mare was being flirtatious, batting her eyes, and wagging her tail as she discussed something eagerly with the tall alien.

"Huh...?" Twilight murmured, as her friends all grew irritated.

"I can't believe her!" Rarity seethed.

"She knows the rules!" Applejack growled.

Even Pinkie Pie sat up, looking angry. She stuck out her tongue at Carrot, eyes narrowed.

"Cheater!" She swore.

"Oh-Oh no,” Fluttershy murmured. Angel again offered the chloroform, but she shifted her glare to him. "No!"

"What's... Going on?" Twilight asked. Rarity shook her head, as Dash slipped off.

"Well, to make it simple darling,” she said, “Shepherd is an alien. New to the ways of this world, and clearly quite ignorant of the relationships between ponies. The poor thing is helpless. So, since we five are his closest friends, we made a gentlemare’s agreement of sorts to keep him… Protected.”

“Protected?” Twilight wondered. “From what?”

“From hussy mares who just wanna ride an alien and leave him high ‘n dry, o’ course,” Applejack growled. Rainbow Dash immediately went up to Shepherd and began talking animatedly about something, cutting deftly between him and Carrot. The mare looked annoyed.

“And um, we’ve tried to ease him into the idea of… Of seeing us as potential, um, p-p-partners,” Fluttershy murmured. She tapped her hooves together, blushing hard.

“Yeah! Did you know that his planet doesn’t have any other forms of sapient life?” Pinkie Pie asked, bouncing up and down. “It’s just his species! Their ponies can’t talk or think or throw parties or anything! So they’re not used to anypony else as partners!”

“Partners? You mean…” Twilight blushed. Rarity nodded eagerly.

“Absolutely! I mean, who knows when he might get to go home? It might never happen! So, to ensure he is not without companions, we’re keeping him protected just so he’s not taken advantage of! I mean, Daisy went after that griffin cook and broke his heart!”

Applejack and Pinkie nodded sagely.

“Poor Gustav,” Applejack said.

Twilight gaped in disbelief.

“It… Sounds more like you’re treating Shepherd as yours,” Twilight pointed out.

And much blushing ensued. Rarity cleared her throat.

“Yes, w-well… It wouldn’t be a bad thing,” she said, “for him to choose one of us. Fluttershy is most keen on him-”

“Eep,” Fluttershy squeaked, hiding her face behind her wings and hooves. Rarity continued.

“But we just want what’s best for him,” Rarity said. “He’s so innocent of the ways of this world!”

“And he deserves a mare who’ll treat him right,” Applejack said with a nod.

“And who won’t break his heart and make him adopt a crazy accent!” Pinkie said eagerly.

“Darling, Gustav always had that accent,” Rarity said wearily. Pinkie snorted.

“That’s what you think!”

Twilight interrupted, still unable to grasp this.

“You're all set on this? With Shepherd?!"

Much staring. Fluttershy spoke up first, sounding slightly angry and hurt.

"Wh-What's wrong with him?" She nearly demanded. Twilight shook her head rapidly.

"Nothing's wrong with him! But it seems a bit... I mean... He is an alien,” she said, “griffins and hippogriffs are one thing, but he’s from another planet entirely!”

"So?” Applejack asked, “Magic can fix that up where it needs to be."

"And you saw his courage!" Rarity gushed. “Ever since he arrived, he has been a helpful, kind, generous, and friendly member of our community!”

“And even when he’s tired he’ll party with me to cheer me up!” Pinkie Pie cheered.

“And he-he’s wonderful with children,” Fluttershy added, to which Applejack and Rarity nodded eagerly.

“And he’s got a great butt!” Pinkie added. Again, everypony nodded happily.

Twilight shook her head.

"I-None of those are problems!" She blushed, "But it just seems odd there would be so much attention on one alien stallion and-"

"Hey girls! How's it going?"

Twilight jumped in her seat, and looked over her shoulder… And up, and up. There was Shepherd, smiling down at her. Dash was hovering behind him, her forehooves resting on his shoulders as she grinned down.

“Hey guys! Look who I invited over!” Dash said cheerfully.

“How are you doing, Shepherd?” Rarity asked with a smile. The human beamed and shrugged.

"I'm all right. Carrot and I were just exchanging recipes…” His eyes locked onto the blushing Fluttershy, who was hiding behind her wings. “Hey Fluttershy! Are you alright?” He immediately lowered his voice to avoid other tables eavesdropping. “Do you need more hugs?"

Fluttershy ducked under the table, her blush so intense Twilight could swear Angel could roast marshmallows over her face.

"I um... W-Well, I just... That is..."

Rainbow Dash again interrupted, tapping Shepherd on the shoulders.

"Hey! Twilight's had an all nighter! She needs a good, hard hug!" She said. Twilight gaped, as Shepherd gave her a gently admonishing look.

"Really Twilight? Again? You're not a college student, you can't do cram sessions every night." He paused. “Or are you? I’m not sure how it works here.”

"No, that's not what I-I mean-!" Twilight stuttered. The human knelt down, and wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her in tight, and rested his chin on her head. He was so large, and strong-He could have just lifted her up into the air and done anything with her had he so chose… And if she didn’t have magic.

She found herself relaxing into the hug, and hesitantly returning it. It was different from hugs she’d received from her parents, her big brother, or even Princess Celestia-Those were all wonderful, but Shepherd just surrounded her in warmth and strength. Like nothing bad could ever happen to her, wrapped in this protective blanket.

Humans were very good huggers, she reflected, as she returned it as best she could.

Dash just grinned overhead.

“She needs a good, hard ear scritch too! She's far too tense! Thinking too much all the time!”

“As opposed to someone who don’t think at all,” Applejack snarked. Dash growled.

“Hey!”

“Fair enough,” Shepherd said. Before Twilight could protest, his fingers were already scratching behind her ears… And she was melting.

"I... Ohhhhh... Oooooh..." Her eyes crossed as Shepherd dug his nails in. With both hands, he was soon scritching both her ears. The endorphins flooded her brain with incredible intensity, and soon she was aware of only those magnificent appendages scratching and rubbing her cares away.

“Don’t forget the base of her horn, darling,” Rarity said, from somewhere far away. “That part can get quite sore for unicorns with prolonged magic use.”

“Gotcha,” Shepherd said, and one of his hands slid through her mane to begin massaging the base of her horn. Her legs went weak as she struggled to stay in the chair. She was panting like a dog.

"I-Iieaaahhhhnnn~..." She shut her lips tightly to contain a happy groan. "Mmmmmngh...!"

"Ooh... And her lower back,” Applejack added. “She's tight as rope back there!"

Shepherd ran his incredible hands down across her scalp, over her neck, and all the way to the small of her back. His fingers went to work, squeezing and pushing down and grinding her muscles. She arched her back, and she could feel as much as hear a pop from her vertebrae. She barely contained a cry from her throat as she saw stars.

She lost her balance, but again Shepherd was there to catch her. She was a trembling wreck, as Shepherd helped her back onto her chair.

"Geez, you ponies all are so tense! I thought Aloe and Lotus were great at their jobs!" He said, gently stroking Twilight’s mane. She managed to make her eyes looked up at his concerned face. She wanted to kiss him.

"Oh they are, they are darling!” Rarity said, “But hmm... Your fingers are quite a bit more effective."

"Just don't take a job with them!" Dash warned, her hooves back on Shepherd’s shoulders possessively. As Twilight’s senses returned, she could see that quite a few mares were looking enviously over at them. At her.

It made her feel… Good.

Shepherd shrugged.

"I'm more of a handy man anyway,” he said.

“You sure are,” Applejack murmured. The human smiled and shook his head.

"And speaking of, I have stuff to do. Later all!" He gave Twilight one last, wonderful hug, stood up, and headed off. Twilight watched him go, and slowly looked back at the rest of her friends. They all looked back with knowing expressions.

“So,” Twilight began, “you’ve all been-?”

They all nodded. Fluttershy managed it while hiding behind her mane. Dash and Applejack looked incredibly smug. Rarity chuckled and sipped her tea, while Pinkie grinned broadly while wiggling her eyebrows.

Twilight let out a giggle.

"I um... I know this is kind of sudden,” she began, “but-”

"Oh relax darling,” Rarity said, reaching over to pat her on the hoof, “of course we'd let you in on this!" She looked at the others. "Right?"

"Of course! We can't let her end up some lonely old virgin princess!" She said.

Twilight was bright red. "H-Hey!"

"Ah ain't opposed,” Applejack said with a smile. “So long as we keep him out of the wrong hooves.”

Dash hummed thoughtfully, and looked Twilight over.

"Well, I suppose she can be in it. If she won't be selfish or frigid!"

"Don't worry,” Pinkie Pie cheered, “nerds are always kinky!"

All eyes went to Fluttershy. She looked down at the table, then back up. Determination filled her eyes.

“As-As long as Shepherd is happy, I’m happy,” she said. “Th-That’s what it means to… To lo… Lo… R-Really like somepony,” she managed.

Rarity sighed and patted Fluttershy on the shoulder. “Don’t worry darling, you’ll get there,” she said. “Some day.”

Author's Note

You merely adopted the silly harem fic. I was born to it.

Thorns, Part 2

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

Falling from this height doesn’t give you the time for your life to flash before your eyes. Just a decisive examination of the decisions that led you to this point. In my case, it was fairly simple what decisions had led here:

You’re not the hero, idiot! You’re the big, goofy, token alien character! Twilight and the others are the heroes! What made you think you do anything?! The best use for you is as a decoy!

Yeah I have self esteem issues. I had them before coming to the magical pony world, why do you ask?

Looks like I wouldn’t be getting that Darwin Award though, because as Twilight’s balloon crashed through the forest canopy… It was caught on the thick branches of the gigantic trees. Spike and I kept screaming as we held onto the basket, as our rapid descent slowed in violent, quick jerks. Not hard enough to kill us, but it sure hurt like a son of a bitch.

Especially the last one, where we fell out of the tree onto the forest floor.

“GAH! Ahhh… Owww…!” I groaned. Something spiky and warm was under my back. “My back…!”

The thing squirmed under me, and dug his way out with claws which made me yelp. Spike glared up at me, brushing himself off.

“Your back?! What about my… Everything?!” He glared, as we sat in the crumpled but still mostly intact balloon basket.

“You can tank lava, dude! I’m fragile!” I complained. I groaned and sat up, rubbing my back. “Also, geez, when’s the last time you had a manicure?”

“When’s the last time you hit the gym, Lardass?” Spike shot back. I snorted, and rummaged in my backpack-Which had thankfully stayed in the balloon basket. I pulled out the medical kit, the soft feel of the feathers on it very reassuring. Spike stared at it.

“Huh? What’s that?” He asked, reaching out and poking it. I opened the kit and looked through it. I pulled out a potion, popped the stopper, and drank of it long and deep. My aches and pains faded away, and I sighed happily. I rubbed my back, and stretched my arms up over my head.

“Mm! Tastes like healing,” I said cheerfully. I looked over at Spike. “Oh! This is my medical kit! Fluttershy put it together for me, with help from Zecora.”

Zecora was a zebra shamanist and potions maker who lived in the Everfree Forest. She had a habit of talking in rhyme, but she knew her potions and alchemy. Maybe shamans were required to do sick rap battles back where she was from, who knew?

Spike blinked and fingered some of the feathers. “These are pegasus feathers,” Spike said. His eyes widened. “These are her feathers! She gave you lots of her own feathers to decorate the kit!”

“Yeah?” I said, shrugging. “So?”

Spike gaped in disbelief at me.

“Don’t you know how deeply personal that is to a pegasus?!” Spike demanded. I shrugged.

“She’s a good, close friend. And we’re going to rescue her and the others…? You got a point to all this?”

Spike gaped at me in disbelief. He then rolled his eyes.

“Humans,” he muttered.

“Dude!” I scolded him angrily. Spike glared, and held out his hand.

“Healing potion?” He asked.

I handed him another bottle of the concoction. Spike sniffed it, and sipped it slowly. He swallowed and licked his lips. He grinned.
“Ah… Zecora always puts the right amount of crushed rubies into it,” he said. I made a face.

“You’re joking right?” I asked. Spike snorted.

“You’ll live,” he said. He looked around the dark, dangerous forest that we had crashed in. “So, do we know where to go?”

I pulled my guns up over my shoulder, and grunted. I checked my compass.

“Well, that gigantic spine that smacked us out of the air came from the Northeast,” I said, “so I’m guessing that’s where we go.”

“Great plan,” Spike deadpanned. I handed him the briefcase containing the Elements of Harmony. He held onto it tightly, his tiny claws already digging into the incredibly light metal of the container. He made a face, and I shook my head.

“It’s what we need to do, right?” I said.

“But what if we can’t?” Spike asked. I bit down my own fearfilled retort. The same question was already echoing in my head. If I was alone, I’d probably be babbling in fear. What was I thinking? Going into the Everfree Forest alone with a bunch of guns and a baby dragon like I was Fantasy Rambo?

What was I thinking?

I looked at Spike’s anxious, terrified face. It was amazing how expressive the little reptile’s face was. This little being, Twilight’s long suffering assistant and baby brother.

I took a deep breath. None of my fears mattered now. We were here. I couldn’t undo it. I had to press on. I was the only human here. I had the Elements of Harmony. I had to get them to my friends or everyone in Equestria was doomed.

And Spike here… He needed to know everything was going to be okay.

I knelt down, and hugged Spike tightly. He went stiff.

“We don’t need to think about that,” I said, “because we will. Everyone’s counting on us, all right? But that’s okay, because we’re going to do this. We’ll get the Elements to the girls, and they’ll rainbow nuke whatever’s doing this, and we’ll all go home and have cake. I promise.”

Spike hesitantly hugged me back, and patted my sides. “Thanks,” he said. He pulled away, and coughed. “You can let go of me now,” he stated with a wince. I immediately yanked my arms back.

“Right, too close, too close,” I apologized. Spike scratched his shoulder and coughed.

“Yeah,” he said. “Really kind of awkward? Though uh, thanks for doing the big brother thing.”

“I have a lot of practice,” I said. Any further awkwardness was thankfully dispelled by a monster’s roar. We both stiffened. Spike from the sound, and me? Well… Because the sound was familiar.

“What was that?” Spike muttered.

“A manticore,” I murmured.

“How can you tell?” Spike asked. I shook my head.

“Because that’s what hunted me when I first dropped into here,” I said slowly.

The monster’s growl continued to echo. It was close. Incredibly close. How had it gotten here? It was groaning… Like it was in… Pain?

I hefted up my rifle. I motioned for us to move northeast, through the trees. We walked, slowly and quietly. Navigation was hard with all the thorny vines, but we managed to crawl over the top of one of the biggest ones. We slid down into a small clearing, me going first. I waited and caught Spike as he slid off the gigantic vine. I set him down, and we crept slowly through the bushes.

We peeked out and saw… A manticore, lying on his side. A gigantic, tawny feline, bigger than the biggest liger or tigon back on Earth. He had a huge, bushy red mane. Two red, bat-like wings, the size of a small aircraft’s jutted out of his shoulders. His tail was a gigantic, blood red scorpion’s with a stinger as big as an American football.

He was baying low, his right wing twitching. And a small striped form was under its paw, wriggling and moving. My eyes went wide.

“Zecora!” Spike gasped.

The manticore lifted his head and looked over at us. I immediately held my rifle up and rushed out of the bushes.

“Get away from her!” I shouted.

“Run away Zecora! Get away!” Spike yelled.

The manticore roared, a warning. I adjusted my aim, locking my eyes right through the sites and on the center of the monster’s forehead. It snarled back, angry and defiant and yet…

Zecora managed to pull out from under the paw, and shook her head.

“Quiet, quiet, if you will! My patient here is very ill!” Zecora cried. Our jaws dropped.

“Patient?!” Spike and I both cried. The manticore moaned, his shifting making his wing shudder. It was now that I noticed there was blood on the wing. A lot of it.

Zecora nodded.

"I saw him fly and crash back down, as I was on my way to town," Zecora explained. "He bayed for help, so greatly pained. I tried to keep him well restrained." She eyed me intently. "So could your gun please elsewhere train? I need a potion for his pain."

I growled. “This is the same asshole who hunted me when I first ended up in this place! He and the rest of the monsters here might be working for whatever’s sending thorny vines all over Equestria!”

“Yeah!” Spike shouted. “And he attacked us! I mean, see that wing! You did hit him!”

Okay, so I had better aim than I thought. Good.

Zecora nodded, “It was not of his own free will. The villains true are hidden still.”

I scowled.

“Wait, he was being mind controlled?” I asked. The manticore growled angrily at me, flexing his claws. “He didn’t need to be mind controlled to attack me when I showed up!”

The manticore gestured with a claw to his face. There was a scar on his eye. I scowled.

“You had that before! I distinctly remember it!”

“Can this wait for later?” Spike demanded. He looked to Zecora. “Who’s really behind this?!”

Zecora shook her head. "Reveal that, sadly, I cannot. Have you a potion kit or not?"

“That’s barely a rhyme,” I complained. I glared at the manticore, and he glared back. He growled low and threateningly, puffing his fur up. He then trembled, and grit his sharp teeth as his wing folded back down. He still kept snarling up at us, his claws digging into the soil.

I sighed. I pulled out the medical kit, and opened it up. I pulled out a healing potion, and tossed it over to Zecora as I kept my rifle trained on the manticore.

Zecora took it, and immediately took the potion. She pulled out a few odds and ends from her bag, and added them to the potion. She looked back at us.

"Now someone, hold him still you must. He's not exactly quick to trust,” she stated. I sighed.

“You’re really not going to let us go if we don’t heal him, are you?” I asked in exasperation. The zebra shook her head. “You know, we could just leave you here.”

Spike shot me an angry, betrayed look. Zecora met my eyes evenly, her expression unmoved.

"Oh yes, indeed, I know you could... abandon me here in the wood?”

I grimaced. Damnit. I should have stayed in bed this morning.

I set down the rifle.

I rummaged around and pulled out my Webley. I handed it over to Spike, grasping his clawed hands so he could grip the weapon properly.

“Look down the sites,” I said, “hold it firmly. If he moves? Shoot until it runs out,” I ordered. Spike trembled, looked at me, and then at the gun. He took a deep breath.

“I’ve got it,” the little dragon said with a nod. I nodded back. I looked back into the eyes of the manticore. He glared. I glared back, and I slowly approached him. A step at a time.

“Okay, big guy,” I said, “I don’t like you. You don’t like me. But if we heal you, we can all get out of this alive,” I stated. I held the manticore’s gaze, even as he snarled back. I stepped closer, closer…

I pushed the monster’s head down, holding him as best I could. The monster snarled, but didn’t move. Zecora took the modified potion, and applied it to his injured wing. The wound began to glow, and a single, mashed up piece of metal popped out of the hole. The manticore roared in pain, trembling, and I had to use all of my weight to keep him still. I struggled as the monster bellowed and snarled…

But he kept his claws in the dirt, and his scorpion-like tail curled up.

Zecora caught the bullet, and examined it critically. She looked over at me. I scowled back, utterly unrepentant. I looked back at the manticore, who growled back angrily. I let him go, and brushed my hands off. Zecora pulled out some bandages from her saddlebags, and wrapped the wound up tight. The manticore flexed his wings, wincing a bit.

“Okay,” I said slowly, calmly, to the monster. “Okay… You’re healed. We didn’t shoot you.” I paused. “Again. Do you know who’s behind all this?”

We heard hooves clopping against the dirt. I looked over at Zecora, who shook her head. I grimaced and grabbed her. I hefted her up over my shoulder and carried her off.

"Ah! Unhand me now, you human ape! Your manhood I will amputate!"

I rushed back over to Spike, who had been holding the gun all this time. He dropped it, and grabbed the Elements Case. I scooped up the gun as I ran, and Spike scurried behind me rapidly. We vanished into the bushes, just in time as a large horde of something stampeded into the clearing. We laid down in the bushes, and we peered out.

I blinked. I blinked again.

They were… Deer. All with similar proportions to the Equestrian ponies: Big craniums, large forward facing eyes, and all with armor. The lead was a tall, black stag, who examined the injured manticore critically.

“This one was injured by the balloon,” he declared. “The control of the Heart of the Forest has been broken.”

A smaller deer was alongside, and nodded.

“Yes Lord Blackthorn,” he said. He hesitated. “What of the Elements of Harmony? They came into our midst willingly. They spoke of peace.”

Blackthorn snorted. “King Aspen made it clear. There will be no peace until the encroachment on our kingdom is stopped.” He looked over at the manticore, who snarled at them. “Place the spell back on this one. Have him join the others in the dump.”

I immediately reached for my rifle, but Spike and Zecora stopped me. I glared at them both, which was very inconvenient as I had to keep looking back and forth between them.

“Guys!” I hissed.

“The girls are okay,” Spike said, “they’re trying diplomacy. If we do anything aggressive, it’ll just make things worse!”

Zecora nodded. "A kind word here may do more good that guns, like in your neighbourhood."

“What the hell kind of a place do you think my homeworld is?” I muttered. Zecora kept up her glare, as did Spike. I sighed, and my shoulders drooped.

“Fine,” I muttered. I stood up, and slowly walked out into the clearing just as Blackthorn’s assistant was pulling out a magical… Thing? Some kind of wand with a gem? Whatever it was, the manticore didn’t like that. He snarled, and spread his wings to try and intimidate the deer. The deer stood their ground. I cleared my throat.

Every single deer looked at me, and their eyes grew wide. Like I was an oncoming car with the headlights on. I offered a smile with my mouth closed-No need to show off my teeth.

“Hello, Lord Blackthorn was it?” I called. “Good afternoon! I’m Andrew Shepherd.” I paused. “I come in peace, and would like to discuss your situation-”

“A human?!” Another deer gasped. “A HUMAN WORKING FOR EQUESTRIA?!”

“It can’t be!” Blackthorn cried, at a much higher pitch than he’d been speaking before. “Humans are extinct! It’s not possible! IT’S NOT POSSIBLE!”

I lifted my hands and spread my fingers.

“No no no! I am a human! I’m not going to hurt you, I’m just here to talk! About the giant thorny vines and the monsters and to get the Elements of Harmony back-!”

“CELESTIA’S WRATH IS UPON US!” Blackthorn shrieked. Half of his troops immediately fled, speeding off into the undergrowth like ghosts. The other half pulled out bows and arrows and pulled them. I immediately reached for the Glock 21, but I was seized from behind by gigantic, furry claws.

Oh great, my mind said as the rest of me screamed in fear and anger, I had to turn my back on the dangerous manticore who is now…

Lifting me out of the path of the arrows? I looked up at the manticore, who was wincing as he flew but determinedly keeping me out of harm’s way. He then none-too-gently tossed me up onto his back, and I grabbed onto his thick, billowing mane. He roared in defiance at the remaining deer, who all turned and fled.

We landed roughly, and I scrambled off of the manticore like he was on fire. He growled at me, and I glared back. Even so…

“Thanks,” I managed. The manticore growled back, but nodded. Zecora and Spike barreled out of the bushes, Spike still holding onto the Elemental Football.

“Deer! From the kingdom of Thicket!” Spike gasped. I shook my head and looked at the dragon.

“You know who those guys are?” I asked in disbelief. Spike nodded quickly.

“Yeah! I mean, I live in a library,” he said, “though this is obscure even for Twilight’s reading habits.”

“Then tell the tale, oh Dragonborn,” Zecora said, “what do you know via unicorn?”

Spike took a deep breath. “The deer of the kingdom of Thicket are very solitary,” he recited, “and haven’t been seen in large numbers outside of the Everfree Forest in centuries. They’re very reclusive, and use nature magics to protect their domain. Also kind of have a superiority complex, since they were here in Equestria before the Three Tribes migrated due to the Long Winter.”

“So we’re dealing with a bunch of elves,” I sighed. “Wonderful. And they fear humans?”

Spike shrugged. “Well, you are creatures of legend,” he said, “maybe you’re their Nightmare Moon? A story told to all deer faun to keep them well behaved?”

I hummed. “So, could we use that to our advantage?” I asked. Zecora shook her head.

“All hopes of peace may dissipate,” she warned, “if tensions further escalate.”

“They’re trying to destroy all of Equestria, Zecora,” I pointed out blandly. “That’s basically a declaration of war, no matter what their justification. Until they stop that, there’s no point in negotiating for peace. Sometimes another word for peace is ‘surrender’.”

Zecora nodded slowly.

“On this, I think, we are agreed,” she said, “but resolution we still need.”

“First off,” I said, “let’s find Thicket. Then we work out what to do from there.”

It wasn’t too hard to find the kingdom’s walls. From a distance they looked like any other part of the forest, but get closer and glowing torches, regular patterns and of course many deer trotting around gave it away as an artificial structure. I looked up at the battlements, all well manned.

Er, deered. Whatever.

“Great,” I muttered, as the manticore, myself, Spike and Zecora all camped out in the bushes some distance away from the city walls. “How do we get in there?”

“That’s a good question,” Spike observed. He hummed, and then snapped his fingers. “Oh! What if Zecora and I pretended to be bounty hunters? And we said we’d captured you and wanted a good price for you?”

“They might just kill me on the spot, Spike,” I said dryly. “And a bounty hunter doesn’t usually accompany their prisoner past handing them over to the guys paying for it.”

“Really?” Spike asked, confused. “That’s how it happened in ‘Power Ponies Volume 54’!”

“Believe it or not, this isn’t a comic book,” I sighed. Eventually, the broad doors of the castle opened, and a royal entourage trotted out. The lead deer held up a magical sceptre to his throat, and spoke. His voice was loud, ringing out through the trees.

“HUMAN FROM EQUESTRIA. HEAR US WELL,” the deer bellowed, “WE KNOW YOU ARE OUT THERE. WE KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN SENT AGAINST US. BUT WE HAVE THE BEARERS OF THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY! SURRENDER YOURSELF IN ONE HOUR, AND WE WILL RELEASE THEM. IF YOU DO NOT…” He trailed off, before turning and heading back into the castle walls. The doors slammed shut, hard.

We were left in silence. I took a deep breath, and began to stand up. Zecora grabbed my shoulder, and shook her head. I scowled.

“Zecora!”

“So hard, you keep yourself alive, yet with this danger, in you dive?” She demanded. I gaped, and shrugged.

“Look, if they can get out, you can hand them the Elements and save me!” I pointed out.

“Unless they lie,” Spike said. “I mean, these guys mind control animals to do their bidding! How can we trust them?”

I sighed, and rubbed my forehead. The manticore, having been patiently waiting, growled at me. I glared back.

“Well if anyone else has another suggestion, I’m all ears,” I stated. “I mean, to even have a chance of getting through those walls, we’d need an army.” I looked at Spike. “Could we send Celestia a letter to have her get her forces here-?”

“There’s no time!” Spike insisted. “And last she wrote, she was working hard enough just keeping the vines from destroying all of Equestria!”

I sighed, and looked intently at the walls. “All right,” I said. “So we need some way of breaching the walls. And the only way to do that is with an army. A fearsome, deadly, powerful…” I trailed off as I saw the manticore chew on the back of his forearm. I blinked. I blinked again.

“Shepherd? Hello? Why have you trailed off? Right now, we must be hard, not soft!” Zecora hissed.
“I’ve got an idea,” I said quietly. Spike blinked back, raising a scaly brow.

“What kind of an idea?” He asked. I sighed, and then smiled at the manticore. He glared back, confused. My smile grew.

“A really stupid one…”

Author's Note

Just one semi-epic trilogy and then back to shorts, I promise.

Rhyming corrections done by The Iguana Man. He's a great guy.

Thorns, Part 3

It took some time to get out to the dump. Too much time, if I was being honest. It did give me some time to think on a few issues and talk them out with Zecora and Spike, which helped. To a point. It wasn’t until we got to the dump that I got an idea of how difficult my plan might actually be.

“Oh shit,” I mumbled as we got our first look at the dump. Which really should have been called The Dump. Zecora nodded.

"Extent-wise, this is quite impressive. Its users must be most aggressive," she rhymed.

It was. It was a huge clearing filled with junk of every kind-Mostly human junk. I could see a gigantic rocket with Chinese characters on it in the center, leaning over a 777 airliner. There was a Japanese Zero fighter perched on a stack of old cars. There were piles of microwaves, pots, rifles, cake pans, and everything else you could imagine, forming a gigantic maze.

Surrounding this maze were hundreds of monsters: A gigantic hydra with four heads, huge monstrous crocodiles, pants-wettingly huge spiders and scorpions, living blobs with eyes, wolves made of wood with glowing green eyes, apes as big as pick up trucks alongside freaking dinosaurs, and-holy shit was that a Beholder?

They were all wandering around… Silently. That was the worst part. Their eyes were blank-Controlled by the magic of the deer. It was very bizarre.

“So,” Spike began, as we observed all this from behind a few wrecked refrigerators, “how do we enact your plan again?”

I frowned deeply.

“I was thinking if we got them all mad enough,” I suggested, “they could chase me. Right to the city walls.”

"And how do we do that? Have you talk at them?" Spike deadpanned. I shrugged.

"If I have to? Yes," I said.

“The problem, then, becomes twofold,” Zecora said, “Attract them; keep the chase up. Bold!”

“But how are we supposed to get them all mad enough to stay after me?” I grumbled. The manticore growled as well, looking equally frustrated. Damnit, and I’d thought it would work!

“Couldn’t you shoot them all with your guns?” Spike suggested. I looked at my rifle, and then up at the massive creatures.

“I’m not sure they would hurt them enough,” I said honestly. “And besides, the minute I hurt one of them, they’ll just revert to type and attack anything close. We need them to chase us to Thicket.”

“Maybe there’s a means to accomplish your goal, if we look through this trash-filled hole?” Zecora suggested. I nodded.

“That might work,” I said. “All right, fan out. We gotta work quickly, we don’t have much time left-”

Several of the monsters began moving to an unheard signal. Like synchronized robots, they began prowling around a nearby pile of junk. Atop it was an old, metal skinned place-Maybe a 1930s Lockheed? One of the entranced creatures, an owlbear if I wasn’t mistaken, reached for the hatch and opened it.

He was greeted with a very loud blast of music right to the face, and it made me jump with its familiarity.

“Is anybody out there, anybody there?
Does anybody wonder, anybody care?”

"Def Lepard?" I whispered. Spike frowned.

"What's music supposed to do to one that's deaf?" He asked.

The monsters staggered away, as one, all growling and groaning. My eyes lit up.

“Go go go!” I muttered. I hefted my guns and the Elements of Harmony, and took off from our cover. Zecora, Spike and the manticore raced after me. We did our best to stay behind several piles of junk, and climbed up to the other side of the aged airplane. I reached out and opened the hatch.

Within it were four surprises: A chestnut Earth stallion with a tie, wild hair and an hourglass cutiemark, a gray Pegasus mare with blonde hair, derp eyes and a bubble cutie mark, a small deer fawn with a tiny crown and a weird little barrel tied around his neck, and a cobbled together stereo system with several vinyl records lying around. The Earth stallion’s eyes widened.

“Shepherd!” He cried in a British accent, “how’d you get out here?”

“Doc?” I asked in disbelief. I looked over at the gray pegasus, who beamed and waved. “And Ditzy? And… A deer?”

“This sounds like the beginning of a strange joke, doesn’t it?” Doctor Whooves asked, chuckling softly.

Yes, his name was Doctor Whooves. He was a local eccentric inventor, who loved science. He was one of the first ponies to really get used to me, and probably my first male friend in Ponyville. The fact he so strongly resembled David Tennant’s Doctor wasn’t lost on me, and I have to admit there were times I suspected he was more aware of my homeworld than he let on.

In any case though, I treated it like I did Pinkie Pie: Don’t pry too much.

His companion was Ditzy Doo: She was the local mailmare and a bit of a clutz. But she was very kind, very sweet, and was working hard as a single mother for her foal. She had never been anything but kind to me, too. She did tend to hang around the Doctor a lot. Again, I didn’t pry too hard. Though in this case it was because it was obvious to everyone except the Doctor how fond she was of him.

“I went out to deliver the Elements of Harmony to the girls, but they’ve been captured,” I said. “What the heck are you guys doing out here?”

Ditzy shook her head with a sigh.

“We were out here collecting spare parts for the Doc,” she said, “when we ran into Bramble, who was trapped by these monsters.” She gestured to the deer fawn, who was cowering behind her. She extended a wing and gently patted him on the back. “It’s okay, it’s Shepherd! He’s our friend,” she said. “He won’t hurt you.”

“B-B-But he’s a human!” Bramble whispered, his eyes wide with fright. I immediately backed away, my hands up in the air as Spike and Zecora crowded around me to look in. The manticore growled low in his throat, also sneaking a peek. Bramble squeaked louder.

“Don’t worry, some of my best friends have been humans,” the Doctor said, smiling gently. “Shepherd here isn’t going to hurt you. In fact, he may help you.”

I looked over at Bramble. I smiled gently. The fawn peeked at me.

“I promise you,” I said, “I don’t want to hurt anyone. And I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to save Equestria.”

Bramble nodded. “I… I want to do that too,” he admitted, “but first I need to save my father!”

“Your father?” Spike asked. Zecora hummed.

“Judging by the evidence, young Bramble here is a prince?” She suggested. Bramble nodded, puffing up his chest slightly even as he qualed and shook.

“Y-Yes. I’m Prince Bramble, King Aspen’s son,” he said.

“And what’s wrong with the King? Aside from him unleashing thorny tentacle doom on us all?” I asked. Bramble shivered, but another touch on the back by Ditzy’s wing calmed him.

“He… For the last few months, he’s been weird,” he admitted. “Paranoid. Angry. Scared. He barely talked to me or anyone else. Then, some minotaur bulldozed some land that belonged to us. The minotaur said he had… Permits? Permission to build here and we should take it up with Princess Celestia,” Bramble said.

“And did you?” I asked. Bramble shook his head.

“N-No! Before this, my father was always respectful of Princess Celestia! Even though he rarely sent her letters. He just decided to unleash the Thorns and enslave the monsters of Everfree!” Bramble shook his head. “Everyone else just obeyed but… But I knew something was wrong! I was hoping Princess Celestia could fix this! And when the Elements of Harmony arrived I hoped it would be fixed! That my father would be fixed but… But he took them prisoner! And then when I said it was wrong, he tried to throw me in jail too! I had to get out!”

I looked around at my comrades, and then back to Bramble. Bramble looked at us, pleadingly.

“If this isn’t stopped, lots of ponies and deer will die, and my father… I’m afraid of what he’ll do next,” Bramble whispered.
“Can… Can you stop him? Please?”

I took a deep breath. Again. I looked Bramble in the eyes. He met my gaze, though not without flinching. The kid was so young, so scared…

“We will,” I said. “But it might end up with a lot of your people getting hurt.”

Bramble grimaced, but slowly nodded.

“Please,” he said, “try to… Try not to hurt them too much?”

I let out a sigh. I looked over at the Doctor, who was fiddling with a copy of the Beatles' White album.

“Our current plan could use some improvements,” I admitted. The Doctor raised a brow.

“Do tell,” he said dryly. I shook my head, and pointed at the stereo.

“Did you happen on this by chance?” I asked. The Doctor chuckled.

“By chance he says, that’s funny,” he chortled. Ditzy nodded.

“We did. Turns out loud music disrupts their mind control and they flee from it,” she says. The Doctor looked at Ditzy, askance. The pegasus mare shrugged sheepishly. “Sorry?”

“No, no, that’s fine,” I said. “That helps us with our plan. Unless you had a better one?” I asked hopefully. The Doctor hummed.

“Do any of you have ginger beer?” He asked. I looked over at Spike, who blinked.

“Beer comes in ginger?” He asked. I looked at Zecora, who shook her head as well. I glanced at the manticore, who just growled in frustration and impatience. I looked back at the Doctor.

“That would be a no,” I said. The Doctor threw up his hooves, smiling brightly.

“Oh well! We’ll use your plan then,” he said. “Let’s have it!”

“We must hurry, quickly, without fear,” Zecora threw in, “for the end of our time draws near!”

Captain Blackthorn had been the head of King Aspen’s Royal Guard for over a century, and he was still in his prime. While relatively young by Deer standards, he had proven himself an able and capable warrior in keeping Thicket safe from the ever present threats of monsters and raiders. He prided himself on his skill as a warrior, and his subordinates respected him too. He felt he understood his King, at least a little, after so long serving him.

Yet to attack all of Equestria with their mightiest weapon… It seemed foolhardy. All over a mere argument with some merchant minotaur.

Yet, King Aspen was his king. He could serve no other. If the king wanted to make war on all, so be it. They would fight as they could. So far, they seemed to be succeeding. Princess Celestia was occupied in trying to save her subjects rather than trying to obliterate them. Her younger sister, Luna, would in years past have been the far more cunning threat. She was the strategist of the two, whereas Celestia struck with fire and passion. But she was apparently still recuperating from being possessed by Nightmare Moon, according to the King.

The third alicorn princess of Equestria, Mi Amore Cadenza, was seen as far too weak in terms of magic to be a threat. This left the Elements of Harmony, but they had been captured when they had come to investigate what was going on.

This left Celestia’s options few… Though Blackthorn was not sure what his king’s ultimate aim was. They were too few in number to rule over Equestria. Tribute perhaps? He didn’t know and he didn’t question.

Not until now, anyway. He stared out into the dense forest, feeling the eyes of the human upon him. A human! After all this time! And from what King Aspen knew through his mastery of the Heart of the Forest, a dangerous one. One that had helped defeat Nightmare Moon! One that ventured into the Everfree Forest, alone, to confront them.

It could only mean one thing: Celestia had somehow learned of King Aspen capturing the Elements, and had sent her assassin. A human! A monster of his people, thought to only be a legend! Yet he had seen the being with his own eyes!

Normally, just one being that had no magic would be no threat to the forces of Thicket. But humans were no ordinary beings. Fear of them still lived in the bloodlines of every dragon across Equus. Their deeds before the fall of Grogar were still whispered in Thicket. Even now, the prospect of a single human being out there filled his bucks with fear and uncertainty.

But for Blackthorn… The chance to capture a human, to defeat one, was too much to pass up. His King’s advice made him confident: Lure the human in. He would have a Plan: Humans always had plans. It would be daring, even mad. It would be underhoofed. It would be subtle.

Blackthorn would not give the human the chance. He would fall to his archers. Then he would use magic fire to burn the human. Cut off his hands! Then he would be no threat.

There was a rumble, in the distance. Blackthorn looked out, his keen eyes searching the forest ahead. His bucks all began shifting and pining nervously, but a glare from their Captain made them still and silent. He looked back out, and the rumble grew louder. Faintly, he could make out music. He shook his head.

“Archers! Stand ready!” He shouted. His archers all took up positions on the many levels of Thicket’s walls, priming their crossbows. “Ballistadeer! To your posts!”

The heavy artillery was probably overkill, but he had ensured these giant bolt throwers were ready. His deer loaded them up, and turned them to target the forest. The music grew louder. Blackthorn nodded to himself, and spoke up again.

“Hold your bolts until you can see the human clearly!” He shouted. “Loose the moment he’s in range!”

“But sir,” Cloven, a young lieutenant murmured to him, “the human might-”

“The human is flesh and blood like us, but weaker,” Blackthorn said smoothly. “They may be clever and cunning, but arrows will still kill them. They can’t outsmart a bolt, Cloven!”

His lieutenant nodded, and reassumed his position. The music was now loud enough Blackthorn could hear the lyrics.

“All you women who want a man of the street
An' don't know which way you wanna turn
Just keep a-coming
And put your hand out to me
'Cause I'm the one who's going to make you burn~...”

Blackthorn snorted.

“He’s trying to intimidate us with his primitive monkey music,” Blackthorn called, “don’t fall for it! It’s nothing more than a bluff!”

That said, the tension was getting to Blackthorn. Where was the human? He had only a minute left, at best, before the deadline! Had he a plan? Or was he already inside the city somehow?

“SIR!” One of his crossbowdeer cried. Blackthorn looked in the direction he was pointing in, and saw a flash of red and tan. His keen eyes locked on, and he hid his relief.

There was the human all right. He was riding the manticore from before. The human himself held a sword of some kind in one hand, and had his other arm around a small purple dragon in front. The dragon held a metallic case of some kind. The manticore roared at the walls, and the human motioned him forward. They came right at them. Blackthorn’s relief turned to elation, as the music grew louder and continued.

“I'm going to take you down
Oh, down, down, down
So, don't you fool around
I'm gonna pull it, pull it
Pull the trigger~!”

The human was just a heroic fool!

“Stupid bastard’s coming right at us,” Blackthorn laughed, and the rest of his deer laughed with him. He raised his hoof. “Prepare to loose on my command!”

The human’s face did trouble him though. He didn’t look resigned, or mad. He wasn’t grimly determined. He was smiling. A wide, unpleasant smile. One that the dragon also wore.

“Ready…!” Blackthorn called. The rumble turned into a veritable earthquake, as the ground shook. The music grew almost deafeningly loud. The trees behind the human, his manticore, and the dragon trembled, gave way…

And a horde of nightmares, enraged and roaring, stormed after the human. The sight of hundreds of furious, ferocious beasts, all charging for the castle walls, froze every single deer on the parapets. Blackthorn himself found his jaw on the deck as every monster they had enthralled stampeded at them!

“Shoot to thrill, play to kill
Too many women with too many pills, said
Shoot to thrill, play to kill
I got my gun at the ready, gonna fire at will
'Cause I shoot to thrill, and I'm ready to kill
I can't get enough and I can't get my fill
I shoot to thrill, play to kill
Yeah~!”

“TARGET THE HUMAN!” Blackthorn bellowed. “TARGET THE MONSTERS! TARGET EVERYONE-SOMEDEER JUST SHOOT!”

The human kept smirking, saluted… And flew right over them at high speed, the few archers that had managed to collect their wits missing him! In that moment, Blackthorn could just barely make out the small form of a familiar fawn, Prince Bramble, clinging to the human for deer life!

Blackthorn had bigger problems to attend to though, as the largest of the beasts, the hydra, rammed all four of its heads against the parapets and snapped at them, biting huge chunks out of the walls as his terrified guards scattered!

Blackthorn pulled his own magic crossbow and shot, sending a fiery bolt into the eye of one of the hydra’s many faces. The beasts roared, rearing back, and his fellow deer began sending their own magic bolts at this wave of monsters. Blackthorn snarled his rage as the manticore carrying the human flew off, right into the King’s palace.

“When I get my hooves on him, I swear on the Heart of the Forest,” Blackthorn roared, as he began dueling yet another head of the hydra, “I’LL RIP OUT HIS HEART!”

Author's Note

Okay, so it'll be four parts at least. Hope you enjoy it though!

And yes, how could I not have an AC/DC song in this chapter?

Rhyme Edits by The Iguana Man.

Thorns Part 4

Okay, I'm just going to say it: Riding a manticore in full flight over the battlements of a city while hundreds of giant monsters are chasing you is fucking metal. I would have had an erection, but it would have been awkward on top of a semi-sapient lifeform and all. That and Spike was in my lap. Gross.

The wind howled in our ears, as we flew for the central palace. The manticore roared happily, the bloodlust burning in his eyes. I found myself laughing with him, a feral grin on my face as my primal instincts roared to life. My blood was on fire, as I waved my machete.

"PUNCH IT, CHEWIE!" I shouted, pointing right for the top of the tower. The manticore roared in agreement, and flew for it. I held up Spike, and the little dragon took a deep breath. He unleashed a massive blast of green fire, and the large glass window barring our way exploded. We burst into the top of the tower, roaring for battle.

Which... We didn't get. We just got an empty room, save for a weird lantern in the center. We looked around, bewildered.

"So... This isn't the throne room?" I asked. Bramble was shaking, as he clung to me.

"N-N-N-N... No..." He managed to squeak. I slid off the back of the Manticore (who I decided to call Chewie, because fuck Disney that's why), and looked around carefully with my machete pointed out in front of me. Spike followed, also looking around.

"So, I guess the throne room is below," Spike said. "Uh, let's go to the staircase!"

"To the staircase!" I shouted. Bramble was still clinging tightly to me, scared out of his wits. "Uh... After Bramble calms down," I amended. I kneeled down, and gently pulled the shaking deer prince off my back. Which was very difficult, as he just kept wrapping his appendages around me. I pushed him off, and set him down.

"Now calm down, calm down Bramble!" I said urgently. I looked him in his huge eyes.

"Hey, hey! The worst part is over!" I said again, hugging the little deer. "Okay?"

"Oh-Okay," he mumbled. I let him go with a smile. I pulled up the briefcase with the Elements of Harmony, and shook it in front of him. I gave him a happy grin.

"See? We're going to be fine," I said. "Down there in the throne room-"

"How do we know they're in the throne room?" Spike asked. I shrugged.

"Where else would a megalomaniac take his prisoners to be executed?" I asked. Spike hummed, and nodded.

"Good point," he said.

"Anyway, down in the throne room are six mares who will fix this right up," I said cheerfully. I turned it around in my hands. "Now, let's just do the Captain Dummy check and make sure everything is fine."

"'Captain Dummy check'?" Spike asked. "We've only got ten minutes before the deadline!"

"And imagine how silly we'll look if we show up without the Elements of Harmony, just the case," I observed. Spike rolled his eyes, but waved a clawed hand. I nodded.

I opened the briefcase. There they were, all six pieces of magic jewelry. I felt very relieved. I reached out and touched the crown.

"There. Now we can have our reunion-"

"It's been a while hasn't it, my consort?" Asked Nightmare Moon, looking down on me with her green, cat-slitted eyes. She grinned, her razor sharp teeth gleaming in the light of flames.

I started and looked around. It was Ponyville... On fire. Everything was on fire. The Town Hall, Sugercube Corner... And bodies were everywhere. Everywhere. Spike, Doc, Ditzy, Bramble, even Chewie... Every friend I'd made in Ponyville since I got here.

All dead. The wind was knocked out of my chest as I trembled.

"Wha... This...?" I looked back at Nightmare Moon, but I got another surprise. I saw Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Dash, Pinkie Pie... All standing, frozen, smiling.

Nightmare Moon loomed up behind them, a deadly blade of pure shadow forming next to her. She grinned horribly, her green eyes blazing with madness. She lifted the blade up, pointing it for the back of Fluttershy's neck. My eyes widened.

"No... NO, DON'T!" I shouted. "DON'T!"

The blade went right into her body, right through her heart. Fluttershy's eyes widened in shock and pain, as she crumpled like a marionette with her strings cut.

"OH GOD NO! FLUTTERSHY!" I wanted to charge Nightmare Moon. I wanted to strangle her with my bare hands. I tried to run, but no matter how fast I went I never got any closer. I was stuck, as Nightmare Moon casually slaughtered the rest of the mares. Each time I begged, I screamed, I pleaded and cursed... None of it did any good. Every death felt like I was being stabbed with them. I only got to them as Dash fell, the last. My hands went all over their still forms, trying to find a heartbeat, warm breath, anything...

I looked up at Nightmare Moon, tears streaming down my eyes.

"You... This... This isn't real... This can't be real...!" I shouted.

"Oh, but it will be, my dear little human," Nightmare Moon crooned. In front of me floated the metallic briefcase, the Elements already in black, magical tendrils."How thoughtful of you to bring the elements right to me. Just as I'd hoped..."

She crushed each Element into shards with her dark magic, and laughed as the pieces rained down onto the bodies of my friends. I felt hollow, as every bit of goodness and hope fled my core.

"You're dead! We defeated you! We-We killed you!" I blubbered. Nightmare Moon laughed horribly, the flames rising higher. Her shadow loomed up higher, taking on antlers.

"Can you extinguish the darkness in every heart? The hate? The greed? The fear? Even the Elements can't do that..." She grinned horribly, blood dripping from her fangs. "I'm looking so forward to seeing you again, darling~..."

"Shepherd! SHEPHERD!"

I dropped the crown, shaking and covered in cold sweat. Spike was shaking my shoulder. Bramble stared in horror and concern, as Chewie loomed over me. The big manticore almost looked worried, but it surely was a trick of the light.

"Shepherd? What happened?" Spike asked, staring at me in worry. I took several deep breaths, trying to calm down.

"Ah... Um... Spike?" I asked.

"Yes? Yes, what is it?" Spike said urgently.

"Do... Have you heard of horrible, demonic visions being associated with the Elements of Harmony?" I asked. Spike blinked a few times, but shook his head.

"Uh, no," he said. "Is that was you saw?"

I nodded. I looked down at the Elements, still intact and still in their briefcase. The detail in the vision...

"I... I saw Nightmare Moon," I managed. "She said... I'd brought the Elements... Just as she'd hoped." I stared down at the magic jewelry. "Like, like she was expecting this," I muttered.

"But that's not possible," Spike said, "Nightmare Moon was defeated! Princess Luna is fine!" Spike shook his head. "Why would you have a vision of that?"

"I don't know," I muttered. I looked up at Spike. "I mean, it can't be... It couldn't be too easy, could it?"

"I've never stormed a castle before," Spike admitted, only half sarcastically. I nodded, raising my eyebrows.

"First time for me, too," I said. I rubbed my cheek. I kept staring at the Elements.

"We-We can't just sit here!" Bramble cried. I nodded hard.

"You're right," I said. I took another deep breath. "We've got a Plan B," I said, "and it's good. But I'd feel a lot better if we had a Plan C."

Spike raised his scaly brows.

"Plan C?" He asked. Chewie growled in confusion.

I smiled at the little dragon. "Yeah. Hand me your back pack, will you?"

Getting down the stairs was easy, and travelling through the palace was even easier. The entire thing was like one, gigantic shaped forest, with all the branches of the trees warped into grand staircases, balconies and hallways. Bramble's directions got us to the huge throne room, with huge vaulted ceilings. Lanterns filled with fireflies lined the walls, as turquoise-tinted windows kept what little sunlight let in by the Everfree Canopy out. We walked out into the throneroom, our steps echoing loudly in the empty hall.

"I'd feel better if we were fighting our way through all this," Spike admitted. I nodded slowly.

"Yeah," I muttered back.

I really didn't need the hellish vision to make me think something was up. So why had I gotten it? It felt too real to have been a hallucination.

The throne of course was made of wood too, built into the living wood of the palace. And in front of them were six balls of spiky branches-Improvised cages, no doubt. Within each was one of our friends, tied up and gagged with vines and flowers. I rolled my eyes, and felt Spike do the same nearby. I could tell easily.

"Gotta stick with a theme, huh?" I muttered.

They all awakened as they saw us, and Fluttershy's eyes became wide. She shook and struggled, whimpering. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Dash all began grunting and screaming through the gags. My bad feeling increased severely, and yet, I pressed on.

I spotted Twilight, and walked up to her cage. Some weird stone ring was around her horn, probably suppressing her magic. I bet the creep did it to all the cute unicorns. I knelt down, and her eyes widened in shock. She immediately began shaking her head. I reached out and yanked out the gag. She spat out some berries and then said:

"Get out! GET OUT! It's a trap!" She cried.

The door we'd walked in became barred by thorny black vines. The throne erupted in dark fire, and a tall, gracile deer stag appeared. He wore a crown, and a heart-shaped necklace over his chest that glowed a dull, bloody red. He smirked down upon us, as the shadows lengthened around us. He could only be King Aspen, judging from Bramble's gasp.

"Father!" Bramble cried. Aspen chuckled, his eyes narrowed.

"You walked right in!" The monarch laughed. "Without a bit of caution or hesitation! So courageous!" He grinned, his teeth gleaming sharply in the dim light. I could see fire reflected in his fangs.

"Father! Please! We've come to help you!" Bramble shouted. "You can stop this! You can end the war! Please!"

Aspen laughed darkly, his eyes flashing green.

"Such terrible pain and anguish, my son," he said, "it's so... Invigorating." He laughed again, looking mock apologetic. "I'm so sorry. I'm practically giddy! I've been looking forward to this for so very long. Seeing Twilight Sparkle, her little friends..." His eyes locked onto me.

"And their little pet monkey," he hissed. "You, I wanted to get too. To complete the reunion."

Oh good. That word. That didn't make me shiver and shake internally in terror. Thankfully, when I'm really, really scared, I try to channel it into being snarky. Like Spider-Man.

"Um," I began, blinking, "have we met before? Because you're starting to sound like any of my ex-girlfriends. I don't think I'd have been drunk enough to bang a deer. Well, a male deer."

Aspen began laughing harder. His eyes... Became green, with cat slitted eyes. The shadows grew longer, and thicker, as tendrils of darkness waved around him. Twilight's jaw dropped, and despite the hellish vision... Or because of it... I was barely able to keep my composure.

"That's impossible," Twilight whispered. "That's impossible!"

"Hello, my consort~," the Nightmare crooned.

-

"Nightmare Moon?" I found myself asking in disbelief. I held up the briefcase. "But-They rainbow nuked you! You're supposed to be gone!" I looked over at Twilight Sparkle, who was equally filled with disbelief. "These things were supposed to make her dead!"

"They didn't kill her! I mean, they freed Princess Luna from her darkness!" Twilight cried. The thing on the throne cackled in an all too familiar way, its tendrils waving about as Bramble cowered next to me.

"I split off one part of myself before the hit. I'm weakened, yes, but I survived. You can't eliminate all evil, you silly little pony. No matter how hard you try," the Nightmare thing hissed, whipping its long tongue out at us. I made a face, and reached down to pat the back of Bramble's head.

Poor kid. First his dad goes evil, and now he's become a demon-possessed transsexual. It's a lot to take in a few days.

"Oh, I had years to merge with Luna-To become one with her," the Nightmare hissed, "how I miss her. This king is a poor substitute-So stiff, so out of touch and arrogant. Thinking a land developer was an attacking force! But he was so easy to subvert... And enough power for my plans. After all, I feed on fear. On rage. On jealousy and hatred, so-"

"Wait, wait, let me guess," I impulsively called out, lifting up my hand. "So you can make sooo much misery and rage you can feed off it, become all powerful and then..." I paused faux dramatically, "take over the world?"

The Nightmare glared, its green eyes glowing. Faux wings made of shadow rose behind him-her-whatever. It hadn't given me any pronouns to work with.

"You really do take all the fun out of things, consort," the Nightmare stated.

"Well you're not exactly a fun villain," I shot back. "So predictable!"

The Nightmare snarled.

"You stood up to me despite having no powers. I remembered that," it replied. "That's why I had to wait for you: I needed you all here again, just as before."

"So you know how this ends," I replied loudly. I held up the briefcase again. "The best mares in the world get these on, rainbow nuke you, and off to oblivion! Again!"

The Nightmare laughed mockingly, thorny vines beginning to emerge from the walls around us. I could feel the disbelieving looks the mares were shooting at me. I'd gotten it more than enough from them in the past, though never quite this intense. Even Spike was rolling his eyes. Chewie just growled, ready for a fight as he spread his wings. Manticores apparently get the idea of pre-fight banter and posturing.

"Oh really? Is that what you think is going to happen, monkey?" The Nightmare growled.

"I don't know," I shot back, "you're the magic body hopping parasite, you tell me."

The Nightmare's eyes flashed in rage, and I could feel the floor shake. I shoved Bramble and Spike towards the Mares and ran to the right, as Chewie followed me. It was enough to get us out of the way of the first tendril, which shot up and slammed down like the hammer of Thor between us. The vibration nearly knocked me off my feet, but I stayed up. My heart was pounding in my ears, even as I looked up at the seething monster.

I almost wet my pants at this, but it was crucial I stayed calm. I had to. Everyone was counting on me.

Well, the little metal briefcase I was holding, anyway. Me? Maybe not so much.

"Shepherd! Just throw us the case!" Twilight shouted, as Spike clutched at her cage in terror. I ignored her, and glared at the Nightmare.

"I'm sorry, did I touch a nerve?" I shouted. "Parasite! Leech! Bloodsucker!" I shot a defiant smirk, as Chewie roared at the monster behind me. "COMMUNIST!"

The Nightmare snarled, and leaped right off the throne. I yanked out my revolver, and fired every shot at the charging Nightmare. The bangs were deafening without any ear protection, echoing loudly in the huge throne room. I honestly didn't know what these shots would do to Nightmare or Aspen... And as the Nightmare charged through the bullets without slowing down, I guess the answer was "nothing".

"YOU DARE MOCK ME, YOU PITIFUL APE?!" The nightmare roared, swinging a tendril at me. I barely ducked under the blow, the wind whistling loudly over me. Chewie leaped up over the blow, his claws and stinger raking down on the monster. I threw my revolver at the Nightmare, as a further distraction as my Manticore pounced! He drove the Nightmare down, pinning it to the wooden floor. I pulled my machete and sprinted across, hoping to add my blade to the weapons driving into the monster. The Nightmare looked up in defiance, the manticore venom pumping into it.

"YOU THINK THIS IS ANYTHING TO ME?!" It shrieked, and darkness erupted in an explosion of power. Chewie was blasted off the monster, and I was knocked off my feet. I slammed down into the floor hard, and I rolled as more tendrils erupted below me. I saw one massive vine wrap around Chewie, and slam him up against the wall. I gaped in horror, taking my eyes off the monster for just a moment.

"CHEWIE!" I shouted. I got up, my hand scrambling for my semi-auto pistol in my belt. I wasn't fast enough though-The Nightmare was on me in an instant, black tendrils lashing out to grab my arms and neck. I was choked as they lifted me up, my eyes bulging. The Nightmare was now in my face, sharp fangs practically glowing in its venomous grin.

"How pitiful," the Nightmare sneered, "this is your idea of defiance? You think you're the hero here, boy? You're just the pet monkey! The sidekick!"

I would have snarked something back, but my windpipe was in the middle of being crushed. I struggled frantically, trying to get loose from the grip of the shadows. Nothing doing-They held like steel, not giving an inch as I flailed. The Nightmare laughed, and then threw me. I slammed into the wall, tumbling like a rag doll before I fell down. I tried to bite back a scream, but it echoed above me anyway.

"If only you'd minded your own business," the Nightmare taunted, "just fled. You might have been able to live a quiet life, for a little while longer. Before I found you. If only you didn't care about these mares so much..."

I managed to look up, breathing hard. My wrist felt broken, as did my leg. It was painful, but I could deal with pain.

"I would rather die," I gasped out, "than forsake any one of them...!"

Hey, I managed to make an anime reference despite everything. I guess I'd been getting hurt enough the pain didn't register as badly anymore. Or maybe I'm just a masochist-It would explain a lot.

The Nightmare laughed, and held up the briefcase with one tendril. My eyes widened, as the demonic thing turned it in its appendages.

"Well I'm glad you planned on dying! Because that's what you'll do in front of them! Die, slowly, along with your last hope," the Nightmare jeered. It pulled at the fastenings, and opened the briefcase. Its green slitted eyes widened in shock, a look I would treasure forever.

"Wh-WHAT?!" The Nightmare roared. It threw the empty briefcase down, and snarled at me. "WHERE-?!"

"You know," Twilight Sparkle called from across the throneroom, "Shepherd's right: You are predictable."

The Nightmare looked over, and I managed to turn my head to see it too. Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie-All looking royally pissed off-stood with the Elements of Harmony on and glowing with power. Spike and Bramble were at their side, Spike holding up his empty backpack. Zecora, the Doctor, and Ditzy flanked their other side, the Doctor holding up a chainsaw he'd taken from the human junkyard. The Nightmare gaped in shock, and looked at me in growing fury as the light grew stronger-Like the sun rising. I managed a grin.

"Gotcha," I managed.

The Nightmare roared and leaped at me, as the massive energy blast washed over us. The Nightmare pounced on me, tendrils lashing at me in rage and desperation. I struggled back, the pain exploding even worse across my body. Its green eyes bored into mine, and I felt something in my mind...!

"Think you're so clever, Shepherd?!" The demon roared. "I'll turn your victory to ASH!"

And despite the intensity of the light... Everything went black.

There are moments in life that just seem to paint how much it can fucking suck to be a human being. Moments that just seem to reinforce the dark parts of your mind that say you are nothing, that life has no meaning, and you don't deserve to be happy.

Moments that you rerun in your mind, over and over and over again, and wonder to yourself: How was I that fucking stupid? You can't stop picking at them, like a scab on the sole of your foot. No matter what you do, it's gonna hurt but you can't stop trying to figure out a way to fix it. But you need to try something. Anything.

"I'm sorry sweetie," my girlfriend said, a wan smile on her face. I'd opened the door to her house, and seen her sitting on her couch... Another man sitting there with his arm around her shoulder. My entire body felt as numb and useless as the flowers in my hand. "I'm sorry. You're just not the one for me. But I'm sure... I'm sure you'll find love again someday?"

Her smile was full of pity. Like I was a broken doll lying on the ground. Just a brief look, before she stepped over it and went about her day.

That was it. That was all I was to her. The year we'd spent together and this was the way she ended it. Treated it.

I didn't even see the look on the face of the guy. He wasn't even looking my way. And who would?

I could have screamed. I could have yelled. I could have picked up something and thrown it.

Instead I turned and walked out, letting the door swing shut behind me.

I got behind the wheel of my car and I drove. I just drove, listening to music as loudly as I could. I found some isolated place outside the city. I got out of my car, and then?

Then I screamed. Then I kicked and punched whatever scraggly trees were in my path. Then I walked around, ranting and raving and throwing my hands every which way.

I hated her.

I hated that guy.

I hated God.

I hated the entire universe.

But most of all? I hated myself.

I sat there, sitting on the bumper of my car, staring out at the magnificence of the mountains as the sun set. I felt hollow, all of my insides ripped out with just the ragged remains hanging left inside me.

I was... Somewhere else, wasn't I? Just a second ago?

I looked around. Every was stopped, still, like a frame on a paused movie. All of it was so artificial, faded, as though a faded photograph. I felt something sit down next to be on the hood of the car, and I sprang away. I turned around.

It looked like Nightmare Moon... As a spectacularly beautiful woman. Her skin was pale and smooth, as a black bodysuit hugged the rest of her muscled, curvaceous form. Over this was armor, midnight blue in color, that also left little to the imagination. Her narrow lips were painted jet black, as her green, cat-slitted eyes glowed in malicious glee at me. Her long hair flowed behind her head, as her wings folded tightly against her back.

"What's wrong, Shepherd?" The Nightmare simpered, "this not a good look for you?"

"What the hell is this?!" I demanded. Nightmare laughed, and the world seemed to turn gray and lifeless in response.

"We're in your mind, silly human," Nightmare explained, spreading out one hand. She spread her clawed fingers, and they burned with a hellish flame. One soon reflected in her eyes. "I had to jump somewhere to escape, didn't I? And I found such a painful memory I had to see!" She smirked. "So many like this. You love the girl and she doesn't. Over and over again. Doesn't it get old?"

"Oh yeah, smart move," I mocked her, "hide in the human who's also being hit by the Friendship Deathlaser! Fucking brilliant! So what, you're tormenting me in the few seconds you have left? One last act of pettiness?" I pointed my finger at her. "Because if this is your idea of my worst memory, bitch, you're way off-!"

"Andrew?"

The scent of heavy cleaners. The sound of beeping medical devices. The plain, earth toned walls, linked by cold, colorless tiles floors and ceilings.

All of these are the impressions of a hospital. And I've always hated hospitals because of this memory.

"No," I murmured, "no... Not here... Not now..."

"Andrew... Your mother is waiting," the nurse said with a smile. She towered over me, when I was eight. And ahead, the room seemed just as vast. The distance, impossible.

My father was already over the hospital bed, holding my mother's hand. He was already crying, his warm hand so huge around her deathly pale one. My little brother was crying too-He was six, but even he could understand the coming loss.

I locked eyes with my mother, in that moment. Her brown eyes in that tired, pale face, her thinning black hair all almost gone. Plastic tubes were all over her body, the only things keeping her alive.

"Andrew...?" She asked, raspy and dry. "Andrew...?"

I turned and I ran. The nurse was calling after me, my father too. I didn't care. I ran through the hospital, trying to escape... Everything.

I ended up in a small garden for the patients. There was a statue of Saint Mary on a pedestal in the center, with a gentle and caring smile on her granite face. I fell on my knees and curled up behind a bench, tears running down my cheeks.

I couldn't... I couldn't do it.

"No," said my tormentor. I looked up, and in the place of the Virgin stood the Nightmare. She loomed over me, her huge dark wings blocking out the sunlight as she smirked down at me.

"You couldn't say goodbye to her, could you?" The Nightmare asked mockingly. "And when the nurse found you to bring you back... She was gone. Your chance lost." She shook her head, and pointed her clawed finger right at me.

"You killed her," she accused. I shook my head wildly, even as my guilt and anger and sorrow crashed down on my reason.

"I... I didn't!" I tried. "It was the cancer-I was eight! I-I couldn't do anything-!"

"LIAR!" The Nighmare roared. She leered at me, her face filling my vision, "you killed her. Your pathetic human mind tried to justify it, rationalize it, so you decided that you'd killed her." She grinned horribly. "So you did. Kill. Her."

"I-I didn't! I-I couldn't-!" I cried. The Nightmare laughed terribly, rearing back up. All around us, more memories from my life seemed to shine forth like television screens. Every moment just another painful reminder... No... I can't give in...!

"Fight on? But why, my consort?" The Nightmare crooned in my ear. "Your entire life, you've let yourself be twisted by this pitiful, childish reasoning. You let it turn you into a barely functional manchild-Unable to be the man those women wanted, or needed."

"Shut up! SHUT UP!" I shouted, swinging at her. My eight year old body wasn't exactly suited for combat though-She laughed at my ineffectual hits against her gigantic, armored form.

"You think your little heroic actions will make up for being YOU?!" The Nightmare mocked, kicking me in the stomach and sending me tumbling. I curled up again, shaking, as she laughed harder. "'Oh look at me! My own life in my world was so boring and mediocre! Surely I'll be better in a world of magic and imagination!' Isn't that what you pitiful humans do?! Isn't that what you tell yourselves, as you withdraw from your own lives?"

I couldn't look at her. Memories of chances I could have taken, opportunities I should have had, things I could have done to improve myself... All things I'd turned down, or messed up. I wanted to think, I wanted to resist, but it felt like every emotion I'd ever had from these painful moments was being forced upon me all at once!

All the pain. All the sorrow. All the rage. All the self-hatred and loathing and guilt...

"That's why you were willing to be the bait, Shepherd," Nightmare sneered, again kicking me. She seemed to savor my cries of pain and anguish. "That's why you fight on. So that somehow you can make up for the disgusting, wretched failure you are." She grinned, her sharp fangs glistening as she stomped on my hand. I screamed in pain, weakly trying to pull it away.

"The most delicious part of this? Ponies here do care about you," Nightmare laughed, "but you'll never accept it! You'll never allow yourself to trust it! You'll play the fool and withdraw and hide, and let them choose someone else. Someone better. Because let's face it, Shepherd," she hissed, "everyone else IS."

"W-Why...?" I managed. "Why... Are you doing... This...?"

The demonic entity laughed again, even harder.

"Why?! WHY?! Because your pain gives me power! Power enough that I'll be able to hide inside you and survive." Her eyes gleamed. "I'll stay inside your mind, guide you, make you into something a bit better... And when the time is right? I'll kill every Holder of the Elements. I'll slit their throats in the night. And whoever survives, and is strong enough? Will be my new host." She leaned in closer, and whispered harshly.

"You didn't save anyone, Shepherd. You just doomed them all," she taunted.

I whimpered. I struggled to breath. The sorrow, the pain, it was suffocating... My fists clenched.

Move... Move... DO SOMETHING! I screamed in my mind. ANYTHING!

I closed my eyes, the horrible mocking laughter just battering away anything resembling hope, or happiness, or-

"Hello...? Are you all right?"

I opened my eyes. The sun was shining down on me. I was dressed in ragged clothing, and wore a messy beard. I was dirty and sticky and sweat covered.

I probably smelled really bad, too.

Yet some angelic being was descending from on high, hand extended, her wings spread. Her long hair waved in the wind, and she smiled down on me.

"Huh?" I managed. Fluttershy landed a few feet away, still smiling gently.

"It's all right. I won't hurt you," she said, "my name is Fluttershy. What's yours?"

"... Andrew Shepherd," I said. I blinked. This... This was the memory of the day I'd first met Fluttershy.

"Yes, it is," Fluttershy said with a nod. I stared.

"You didn't say that," I said. Fluttershy smiled.

"No... It's complicated, um. I think Twilight might explain it better?"

"Twilight-WOAH!"

And now I was in a pile of rubble, body broken and covered in blood. I looked up at Twilight Sparkle, still in the grips of the laughing Nightmare Moon.

"Shepherd!" Twilight shouted. "I'm using the Elements to tap into your mind! I saw what the Nightmare was doing and, since the Elements exponentially increase my ability to process information, I quickly devised a spell to access your unconscious mind and-!"

"Geez, can't that mare say anything quickly?" Rainbow Dash shouted. She was performing incredible acrobatics above me, and I was watching while taking notes. Trying to help her improve. "Anyway, we're all in here, Shepherd! We're in here with you!"

Another memory, this one of Rarity and I reading a bedtime story to Sweetie Belle. The little filly beamed up at me in her sleep, as I talked to her elder sister with the story book in my hands.

"We're fighting back," Rarity explained, "though I don't completely understand it myself, Twilight is using our own memories of you-Of our friendship-To fight back against the Nightmare!"

In another instant, I was sitting in a giant donut and rafting down a river of hot chocolate, a whooping Pinkie Pie in my lap.

"And we'll make it so you can knock her out of your mind and we can REALLY let her have it! WOO HOO! Marshmallows?" She asked, holding a cup of them out to me.

"I don't remember this ever happening," I said. Pinkie giggled.

"Silly, I just took it from the list of things I want us to do together!"

"But," Applejack said, sitting next to me on the porch of her house as we watched the sunset, "ya ain't got much time! Ya got one shot! Hit her with every bit of positive energy you can!" She looked intently into my eyes. I hesitated. She shook her head, and put her hoof over my hand.

"Whatever she been sayin'... Remember: She's an evil monster tryin' to take over the world," she said. "Ah know ya've got issues, Shepherd. Ah know you've been runnin' from things-Probably for yer whole life. Ah know you've got pain and regrets, and made a lotta mistakes."

"But," Twilight said, standing next to me as we got an ancient human radio to work in her lab, her pride evident in her warm smile, "so have we all. And I know-I know-You can do this."

"You can do it," Fluttershy whispered, watching over me as I slept in her bed, covered in bandages.

"You can do it!" Pinkie Pie cheered, this time when we were hunting for snipes with butterfly nets.

"So go on, darling," Rarity encouraged, smiling as I tried on the first shirt she ever made for me.

"Go on!" Applejack cried, as we carried apples from her orchard in buckets.

"And KICK HER FLANK!" Rainbow Dash bellowed as she tugged me on a bicycle, both of us laughing over the bumpy road.

I was eight. I was in a dark void, surrounded by my mistakes and tragedies. Above me, Nightmare Moon laughed, her eyes glowing.

"So," she said, "would you like to break now? Or is there still some fight left in you? Please tell me the latter."

I muttered something, so quiet even I could barely hear it. She leaned in, holding a hand up to her ear mockingly.

"What's that, Shepherd? I couldn't hear you-"

I thought of my father, my little brother, my friends and family who I all missed back home on Earth.

I thought of the rolling fields, the mountains, the oceans I had seen.

I thought of the stars and the moon in the sky overhead.

I thought of Ponyville and the wonderful beings who had accepted me as one of their own.

And I thought of the six amazing mares, and the whole world of beings who were counting on me.

I punched Nightmare right in the face with all of it, as I glared up at her with every fiber of my being.

"I said you're an ugly bitch!"

The rainbow power exploded from my fist, and right into her. She screamed in agony as it consumed her, and she clawed at her face and body in desperation, trying to put it out like she was aflame. She let out a soul wrenching shriek of rage and anguish, and then-without warning-exploded into a bright flash. Everything went white...

And then, seven familiar pairs of eyes were staring down at me. Six of them wearing shiny jewelry. Another head loomed over them, and growled in concern.

"Shepherd? Are you all right? Are you awake?" Twilight asked. I blinked. I blinked again.

"I dunno," I managed. "Are we... Purple?"

Twilight nodded. "We are... Well, I am."

I nodded back. "Then we're awake."

Many sighs of relief, and much cuddling ensued. I returned it happily-Though I couldn't resist giving Spike a noogie. The little dragon yelped, and hit me back with a titty twister. Totally uncool, dude.

But I hugged him anyway. Little brat.

Princess Celestia and Luna soon arrived, with an army of Pegasi guards and a fleet of heavily armed airships. King Aspen was there to greet them, and humbly apologize for what had happened. They were very understanding, and worked out a deal with the King to not only pay for the damage and rebuild, but to improve relations between the two kingdoms to avoid this ever happening again.

Which involved the arrest and prosecution of Well-To-Do, the minotaur land developer whose stubbornness had set off Nightmare Aspen. He would get a fair trial though, as he hadn't known King Aspen would take a court summons as an act of war in his state. But given how much damage had been done to Equestria, neither he or Aspen were going to be popular or sympathetic for a long time.

I was glad I wasn't going to have to make those decisions. Though more than likely we'd be dealing with the issues of Thicket opening up to a world it had wronged for an equally long time, that wasn't my chief concern right now.

It was sitting in the back of an airship stateroom, on a large couch, with six very tired mares and an exhausted baby dragon all cuddled up to me.

They'd been at my side non stop. Even while King Aspen thanked us, and Celestia and Luna had done the "you saved the world again" speeches. Luna had then suggested we retire to her airship-And frankly I was in no condition to walk myself there.

So my protectors stayed with me, brought us to the couch, and fell asleep.

Here I was, thinking, over soft snores and sighs.

The hatch opened, and a tall, white form entered in silence. I would have stood up but six mares and a dragon are heavy.

"Princess?" I asked softly. Celestia smiled gently, her hair waving in the ethereal breeze.

"Just wanted to check on you," she said softly, trotting in silence right up to us. She looked over all of us, her smile growing.

"They are remarkable, aren't they?" She asked, beaming in pride. I smiled back with the biggest grin I could muster as Pinkie Pie giggled in her sleep about cupcakes.

"The most remarkable," I said firmly.

Celestia nodded slowly.

"Luna is hunting down any remnants of the Nightmare now," Celestia said. "She's very determined to keep you safe."

My smile grew, thinking of the awkward Moon Princess.

"I'll have to thank her," I said. I looked up intently at the princess. "Um... So..."

The Princess stared at me, silent. I began to feel uneasy.

"So... Uh... Anything else?" I asked.

Celestia giggled. "It's been a long time since I got to make a potential suitor uncomfortable. I'm just savoring the moment."

I blushed a bit.

"Listen Princess. It's not that I don't care for them. I do. I really earnestly do."

"That was never in doubt," Celestia said, "but your responses to their advances seemed to suggest something else going on."

She looked at me compassionately.

"The species gap is still quite large, isn't it?"

I almost looked away. But after the day I'd had, I decided to be honest.

"That's still a part of it," I admitted, "but it's... I'm adjusting. Slowly. The biggest issue was just..."

I shut my eyes.

"I've lost people I loved. In the worst ways. And I've had my heart broken. Shattered really, by people I got close to. It... it takes time to heal from that." I opened my eyes up slowly.

"It doesn't help I ran from it."

Celestia nuzzled me softly.

"I know," Celestia said. "I've lost so much myself. Sometimes there's the temptation to just hide behind a smile and never ever open up again." She looked at the sleeping Elements and then back to me.

"So I must ask you, Andrew Shepherd: After today, can you run any longer?"

I held her gaze, as Fluttershy yawned and shifted against me. I reflexively reached out to run her head, and she slipped back into slumber.

"No. I can't," I said. I shook my head. "I... It will take time but-"

"This is new for all of them," Celestia said gently. "So take it slow. One day at a time. And please, safeguard their hearts as best you can. They protect all of us. But they need a knight to protect them where they are weakest. Can you do that, Shepherd?"

I looked into her ancient eyes, and nodded slowly. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I'll do it, Your Majesty," I promised.

Celestia smiled at me, and gave me another nuzzle.

"Thank you," she said. "Goodnight, Shepherd."

She vanished in a subdued flash of magic. I leaned back as Twilight drooled a bit on my jacket. I saw Spike curled up between Twilight and Rarity, sleeping like a happy log. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were on my other side, with Pinkie snoozing on my legs and Fluttershy on my chest. I sighed and smiled.

I had a lot of things to work on.

But I knew where to start for tomorrow.

I leaned back against the pillow, closed my eyes, and slept.

Author's Note

And it's all over but the crying for this arc. See you for more Short Hands next time!

Thorns Epilogue

Blackthorn

The negotiations with the Princesses had been long and difficult. His king was already exhausted after his battle with the human and the Elements, near the breaking point. Yet he had carried on, long into the night, working out the details... Of their surrender.

Blackthorn had stood at his side, scowling deeply the entire time. He made no secret of his displeasure with this entire situation in his body language, and frankly did not care if he offended the delicate sensibilities of the Equestrians. Having to endure their King's pleading and grovelling... The humiliation!

Yet he had held his tongue, all the way into the near morning, when they finally broke for rest. He escorted the king himself to his chambers. King Aspen carried Prince Bramble atop his back, the young fawn having fallen asleep many hours before and no one had had the heart to wake him. Even he, Blackthorn, Captain of the Royal Guard, was hesitating in expressing his outrage.

But it had to be said.

"Your Highness," he said, softly but firmly, "how could you allow the Equestrians to dictate terms to us like this? It was not your fault!" He glowered deeply. "And that human caused more harm to Thicket than we did to them!"

The King was tired and weak, but his glare still carried great weight.

"What would you have me do, Blackthorn?" Aspen asked, "demand reparations after we devastated all of Equestria?"

"It was the fault of the Nightmare, not you, Your Highness!" Blackthorn argued, stepping around in front of the king. "If anything, it is Equestria's fault!"

"It was my vanity, my arrogance, my fears and insecurities that attracted the Nightmare," Aspen stated, his eyes narrowed and gaze firm. "It fed on them. We have devastated hundreds of villages and towns across Equestria, ruined hundreds of thousands of lives. That needs to be paid for, Blackthorn! Or we shall have a real war on our hooves! A war we will not win."

Blackthorn gritted his teeth. "And how shall we repay them then, Your Majesty?" He asked. "With the meat of our people?"

"We know the Everfree Forest better than almost anyone," Aspen said. "We will find the means to pay them back. In return, they will help us rebuild. What more could you demand, Blackthorn?"

"That the Elements and their pets pay for their crimes!" Blackthorn growled. Aspen shook his head.

"The crime of saving all of Equus from the evil that had taken me over?" He asked, "or the crime of doing what you should have done in the first place?"

Blackthorn's eyes slipped to the door, his shame practically radiating off him. There it was: He had failed in his duty as the Captain of the Royal Guard. He had gone so far as to nearly imprison his own Crown Prince!

Aspen was silent for a long moment, before he reached out a hoof to rest on his captain's shoulder.

"We have all failed this day, Blackthorn," he said, as gently as he could manage, "but let us not compound this failure by allowing our arrogance to make it worse. We will pay our debts. We will work with the Equestrians. And we will build a friendship with them." He opened the door to his chambers, and headed in, making sure not to dislodge his son from his back.

He looked back over his shoulder at Blackthorn, utter finality in his gaze.

"Those are my orders," he stated, "we cannot ignore the reality of our situation. Now go. Sleep. We have much to do next we awake."

He trotted into his chambers, and closed them behind himself and his softly snoring son. Blackthorn stood there alone, his teeth threatening to grind themselves to dust.

He had failed, yes. But he would not accept this. His king was exhausted and weakened from the Nightmare, but if he did not stay strong, they would just be absorbed by the Equestrians. Like so many other cultures before them, becoming nothing more than vassals to the Princesses. They had seen it happen, again and again. The ponies were a weak, easily herded race: All too eager to bend their knees to whoever had power or would keep them as pets. No wonder the Princesses had one of the abominable humans as their thugs!

Well. Blackthorn would do his duty. But he would never surrender to weakness.

Not even the weakness of his king.

Shepherd

We awoke to the sun shining out over Ponyville, and a Royal Guard entering the chamber and telling us we had arrived. He had departed as quickly as he had appeared, leaving all of us to look awkwardly at one another. Pinkie sucked in a breath.

"Sooo... Orgy?" She asked. Much blushing and sputtering ensued. Twilight made to cover Spike's ears with her hooves.

"Pinkie Pie!" Twilight hissed. Spike rolled his eyes.

"I already know what that word means," Spike sighed.

"Wha-?! How? When?!" Twilight demanded. Rarity flushed, just before Spike did the same. Twilight glared at Rarity. "Rarity! How-?!"

"It's a very long, complicated story that I'm sure nopony wants to get into," Rarity said quickly. She smiled around, her eyes very intense. "Right now, anyway."

"So, orgy's on then?" Pinkie Pie asked. I sighed and patted her on the head. She beamed cheerfully.

"Little snot," I said affectionately. I shook my head, "listen, all of you. You helped save me. Again. And well... I've realized that I've been kind of a dick."

Twilight's eyes widened, but Spike again shook his head.

"Heard it," he stated. Twilight scowled, but looked over at me attentively. She gave me a warm smile.

"We understand better why," she said, "after being in your head."

I blinked.

"About that," I began, "how much did you see?"

"Enough," Applejack said, as gently as she could. "Ain't like any of us are gonna blab about that."

"Yeah, I know," I said.

Fluttershy had been quiet for a time, but finally spoke up.

"This... Um... This is complicated for all of us," she said. "If... If you don't mind me saying so. So maybe we just... Um, you know... A trot at a time?"

"Yeah, we should probably just take things slow," I said, feeling relieved. There was a fair amount of agreement at this. Spike looked crushed, but Rarity smiled and nuzzled him.

"I understand this may be a bit confusing and upsetting, darling," she said, "so don't worry! I'm in this for the drama more than anything else."

"R-Really?" Spike asked, gasping hopefully. Rarity nodded.

"Yes! After all, there's already someone I have my eyes on," she said, giving him a glittering beam and wink. Spike then passed out, his tiny legs going up. Rarity blinked and looked back at the rest of us.

"Why would he react like that over my affections for the Prince?" She asked, confused.

Rainbow Dash groaned, and covered Applejack's muzzle with her hoof.

"Don't," she said, "she needs to find out for herself." She looked up at me and grinned. "Slow huh? I might be able to handle that... If you're fast in the right ways."

"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight gasped, blushing hard.

"What? Spike's passed out, he can't hear any of this," she said. She grinned. "And since he can't-That orgy idea might be fun!"

I sighed, and scratched her behind her ears. She crooned happily.

"One day at a time," I said.

"That's not a no~," Pinkie sang. I looked her right in the eyes, cool and calm.

"It isn't," I said.

I finally got a blush out of her. Twilight and Fluttershy both blushed too, and even AJ and Dash were a bit red faced. Rarity fanned herself with her hoof.

"We should have sleep overs more often!" Rarity declared happily.

We disembarked, and had breakfast at Sugarcube Corner. It was already back in operation and providing food for not only the citizens, but also the numerous workers all going about and repairing the damage. Pinkie Pie immediately got to work, cooking food and delivering meals with happy smiles. I helped Applejack set up a brick grill and stove in the town square, and soon she and her family were busily grilling apple pancakes, frying apple fritters and donuts, and baking apple scones and muffins for the population. On our table were papers and letters and designs from all over Ponyville, and Twilight was furiously sorting through them and directing work crews where they were needed. Fluttershy had her birds running messages back and forth, while Rarity was leading a whole army of ponies in sewing replacement clothing, bedding, and other items that were lost in the disaster.

I collected my tools from my house and immediately began helping the crew working on the Town Hall. It wasn't long before a familiar brown stallion and an equally familiar zebra trotted up to me, Ditzy Doo hovering next to them. I beamed at them, and gave into the urge to hug them all.

Hugs they returned.

""The airship that we took broke down, delaying when we'd get to town," Zecora explained with a smile.

"And my ride wasn't exactly cooperating," the Doctor said. I nodded in understanding.

"I didn't get to say it before, but thanks guys," I said. "You really saved the day."

"It's what I do," the Doctor said with a proud smile. Ditzy, digging into a muffin, rolled her eyes.

"And get lost a lot," she mumbled. The Doctor coughed, and looked aside.

"Yes, well, that too," he admitted. He shook his head rapidly. "Anyway," he continued, "all four of us are here and we're all pitching in!"

"Wait, all four of us?" I asked. A giant shadow covered me, and a moment later I was in the huge arms of the manticore. He hugged me... And licked the top of my head affectionately. His hot breath washed over me, making me wince in disgust.

"UGH! Chewie! Come on! Knock it off!" I struggled hard, "we're supposed to be fighting to the death! Stop hugging on me!"

Fluttershy flew over, no doubt at the urging of several concerned ponies over the huge monster licking me. She smiled happily.

"Oh! Chewie likes you," she said cheerfully. "He's happy to repay and aid you in any way you like, as you are now both battle brothers!"

"Wait, that's his actual name?!"

"Yes!" Fluttershy said happily, "you already knew his name! In his eyes, it was fate! He will work and fight alongside you forever, as is the custom of Manticores the world over!"

I sagged as Chewie snuggled me in his musky fur.

"Lucky me," I sighed.

Author's Note

There. That should wrap things up nicely. Now, onto one shots and fun until the next arc!

I Dream of Luna

Seventh Heaven was really too small to be the center of Sector Seven in Midgar, but the game developers were limited by the Playstation 4's hardware. It was quite charming all the same, the rustic feel of a rural bar mixed with an old west saloon. There were people all over the place, talking, drinking, laughing, as a jaunty tune played from the jukebox. Honestly, you could pick any track from the Remake and it would be great to listen to. It was so clear in my mind, despite how long I'd been on Equus.

A dark blue alicorn trotted into the bar, her mane waving like a flag of the starry night. She looked over at me in the corner, and gave me a gentle, shy smile.

"Hello Shepherd," she said. "I hope you do not mind the intrusion?"

I shrugged with a smile.

"Not at all, Princess Luna," I replied, holding up my mug. I gestured over to my table. "Come! Take a seat!"

Luna trotted over, and sat in the chair. It easily shifted in size and shape to properly accommodate her. None of the other patrons reacted to an alicorn showing up. Why was that-?

"Oh, it's a dream," I realized, feeling a bit stupid. I then shrugged.

Ah well, hardly a bad thing to dream about. I could see Tifa Lockhart at the bar, chatting happily with customers as she mixed drinks. She looked even better in the flesh. Dream. Whatever.

Luna hummed thoughtfully, as the noise and conversations continued around us.

"You do not lucid dream often, do you?" She asked. I shook my head.

"I've been doing it more often since I ended up in Equestria," I admitted. "Might be something with magic or the fact I'm in the best shape of my life or..." I shrugged. "Got me. So! What can I do for you, princess?"

I took a sip of the meade in my mug, as Luna's face became quite grave.

"I have news. Of the good and bad variety, I'm afraid," she said.

"Okay. What's the bad news?" I asked. Luna shook her head slowly, as she summoned a mug of meade to our table via magic.

"Normally the good news is what ponies ask me for first," Luna observed. I shrugged.

"I prefer to be relieved by the good news. Go on?"

Luna sighed.

"While the Nightmare has been weakened... I do know it has not been completely destroyed," she said. "It has however vanished into the Dreamscape. At such depths it will take time for me to locate it again."

"You're sure?" I asked, after a sip of meade. I winced. "I'm sorry," I said, "I mean, you're the dream magic expert after all and I'm-"

"I was," Luna said softly, "but the Nightmare knows everything I do. It even enhanced and deepened my own powers when it possessed me. It may be weaker, but it is very cunning. And tracking it down is like tracking..." She stopped, and visibly pushed herself to say the next part, "like tracking myself down."

I frowned deeply in sympathy, and reached out to rest a hand on her hoof. She started, looked down at my hand, and back up at me.

"Okay," I said, "and what's the good news? Come on."

Luna managed a small smile.

"There is no sign the Nightmare is hiding within you or King Aspen, nor in any of the Elements of Harmony or the rest of King Aspen's court," she said, "I was very thorough."

The entire world of the dream seemed to become brighter. The music was happier, and people nearby were starting to get up to dance to it. I let out a relieved laugh, as the princess beamed happily.

"See? That helped a lot," I said with a warm smile, "everything's better now. I... I mean that."

I squeezed her hoof a bit more tightly. I looked down at the table, unable to meet her eyes.

"I was scared that that evil bitch had... Had managed to do it," I confessed, "had managed to leave a bit of itself inside me. Just waiting to... To turn me or take me over or..." I took a deep breath, and held back my tears. I looked up at Luna, and smiled in genuine appreciation.

"Thank you," I said, holding myself back from gushing in thanks. Luna beamed back, her smile absolutely radiant. She then withdrew her hoof, and cleared her throat. She resumed her former regal, dignified and mysterious demeanor.

"You are most welcome, Sir Shepherd," she replied, "it is the least we can do for you, after your service to us." She nodded to me. "Our sister tell us you are now the bodyguard for the Elements?"

"Ah, well," I said, reaching back to scratch the back of my head, "I suppose that's one of my duties, yes. I feel more like a babysitter, if I'm being honest. They're a handful." I was still smiling though as I thought of them.

"Will you also be... Courting any of them?" Luna asked, suddenly sounding very stiff. Almost cold, really. I shook my head and shrugged.

"Not... Not in the sense of to marry. We're... Well, none of us are really ready for that," I said. At her slight scowl, I hurried on. "What I mean is, we're going to start dating. I'm going to work on seeing them as... Potential partners. We'll date, we'll get to know eachother better, and we'll become better friends. And figure out if we're really... You know, cut out for anything more."

Luna slowly nodded.

"I see," the lunar diarch said, looking a bit relieved. Oh God, please tell me she wasn't also interested in me? Oh shit, oh shit-!

No. No. You are an adult, not just some manchild. Be a man about it.

But don't be too aggressive! You had no idea what your feelings were for her! I needed something, something fast to try and bond better but not so fast-!

The jukebox switched over to Swing de Chocbo: a song I had probably played thousands of times on the drives to and from work, and even danced to in a few ballroom dancing classes. Hey, it's a lot of fun and supposed to build confidence...

I smiled, and stood up. I reached out my hand to the princess.

"Would you care to dance, Princess?" I asked. "It is something you do to better bond with other beings, and it's a lot of fun."

Luna started, looking out at the dancing floor filled with happy couples spinning about. She looked back at my proffered hand, and blushed.

"Ah... We thank thee, Sir Shepherd, but we have never danced-"

"I can teach you," I said, "and as long as you're just enjoying yourself, you're not doing anything wrong."

Luna shook her head.

"But-We are not even human-!"

"It's a dream," I said with a grin. "And you're a magical alicorn. I promise, I won't tell anyone."

Luna stared for a moment longer, before she shifted. In a burst of magic, she took on a female form very similar to Aerith's-A heartbreakingly beautiful girl next door, with a slim body and modest bust. Her hair and eyes remained the same, and she now wore modest but well fitted clothing the color of her fur and armor. She slowly stood up, and hesitated briefly before reaching out to take my hand. I squeezed my hand around hers, and she squeezed mine back... Very hard. Hard enough I winced.

"Too tight," I groaned. Luna gasped, and loosened her grip.

"Oh! Our sincere apologies!" She cried. I shook my head, and smiled. She held my hand back, firm but not painfully so. I gave her a little tug, and she walked up closer to me. She stared at the dancing floor, and back at me. My smile grew gentler.

"It's all right," I said. "Now come on. We don't want to miss the song."

I led her out onto the floor. I placed her hand up on my shoulders, as I put my unoccupied hand at the small of her back. She tensed a bit, her cheeks a charming red. She looked up at me, shyly peeking up through some bangs.

"So... How does one dance the swing, Sir Shepherd?" She asked. I grinned.

"It's not hard. Just follow my lead. Step back, step to the side, step forward..."

In truth, I wasn't much good at dancing at swing. And Luna, for all her grace and years, was still in an unfamiliar body. But I could tell by her laughter as we went around the dance floor, she was having a lot of fun.

And in the end? So was I.

We danced away to as many swing songs I could recall, spinning and stepping away to the tunes. The dream world changed around us, to an old fashioned 1940s ballroom, to a dance studio I remembered, and to a smooth platform on the moon, overlooking the Earth. It was all wonderful and fun and breathtaking... Until Luna gasped and stopped. I slammed into her, nearly bowling us both over. Luna pushed back against me, and I fell back while my arms spun like windmills.

"Oh no! I-I completely lost track of time!" Luna gasped. "I have so much work to do-I'm so behind-I-!" She looked over at me, and gave me an apologetic look. "I am so sorry. I must attend to my duties."

"Oh, no! No, it's okay," I said with a smile, once I'd gotten my balance back. "I understand completely."

She did have to tend to the dreams of every pony in Equestria. Though she probably employed some Inception-style tricks to manage it, we had been busy for a while.

Luna then bowed formally, and gave me another one of those shy smiles.

"But thank you, Sir Shepherd," she said. "Thank you for everything."

"Thank you," I replied, "I hope we can do this again sometime."

Her smile became rather mysterious.

"As do I, my dear human," she said, just before she vanished.

I sighed, and rubbed my face.

"Goddamnit," I muttered, "I hope she didn't see too many of my dreams about Aerith..."

Otherwise? I was probably in a lot more trouble.

... Eh, it was my default state now. I may as well get used to it.

Author's Note

Yes, I did enjoy the FF7 remake. Why do you ask?

Musical Interlude

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

A brief interlude…

All of my efforts to get back to snuff playing violin would have failed, if it wasn’t for two of Ponyville’s local musicians: A Miss Octavia Melody and her roommate, Miss Vinyl Scratch. Miss Melody played the cello, which was quite impressive for a species without opposable thumbs-Apparently their hooves had more grip and articulation than those of Earth equines. Miss Scratch was a DJ, with magically enhanced turntables and speakers.

Again, weird anachronistic technological level. Then again, it’s hardly like humans can comment on it: It took us centuries to rediscover concrete after the Roman Empire fell.

The two mares had invited me into their house-A lovely little bungalow split down the middle in paint and in decor to represent the two ponies who lived there. I was practicing my scales on my violin while Octavia, a light gray mare with long black hair and inquisitive purple eyes, listened and nodded in time with each note. In their kitchen nearby, Vinyl, a white mare with an electric blue mane with black rimmed sunglasses over her eyes, munched on some muffins as she too listened.

I finished the scales with a slight flourish. Octavia clopped her hooves against the wooden floor, beaming at me.

"Very good! You're finally getting it back!" Octavia praised me. I smiled and modestly bowed my head.

"Yeah. I kind of stopped for a while for various reasons,” I said. Striving so hard to grow up, to get going in my life, I’d left a lot of things of my childhood behind. Things that had given me joy.

Octavia nodded, her face sympathetic.

"It can be difficult to keep up practice without reinforcement: From others who listen,” she gave me a piercing look. “You strike me as someone who has been alone a great deal."

I flushed. The cellist had a very keen insight.

"... More than I'd like to admit,” I said. Octavia nodded, and leaned over the arm of the couch she was reclining on.

"The way you play says it all. A deep loneliness,” she commented softly. She then brightened. ”But don't worry. We'll practice until you can express so much more! We shall make such beautiful music together!"

I chuckled and smiled at her. Vinyl trotted in, wiping her mouth free of crumbs. She looked up at me with a grin.

"You know, his fingers would be better put to use on other things I can think of,” she said, her teeth shining in the light. Octavia blushed, as I raised an eyebrow.

Her tone was… No way, she couldn’t be.

"V-Vinyl!” Octavia cried, “That's so-so uncouth!"

Vinyl chuckled, and slid by me, her tail brushing over my thigh. She closed the distance with the helpless Octavia, and wrapped a foreleg around her, pulling her close. She looked up at me, her smile shining.

"What? Come on. I'm sure he could handle us both. Easy~."

"I-I-Really!" Octavia sputtered.

“What exactly are you implying?” I asked wryly, cocking an eyebrow.

Vinyl gave me a sly grin.

"What do you say, dude? Want to see what kind of notes you can make with both our instruments?"

My eyebrow went higher. She couldn’t possibly mean...

Later...

"Oooh... Yes! YES! YESSSS! DO IT! DOOO IT!" Vinyl screamed. Octavia was working her legs hard, sweat beading on her brow.

“Almost, almost there!” Octavia cried! “Faster! Faster…!”

“Almost got it! Almost… Almost…!” Vinyl cried out and threw her forehooves up. “YES! YES! YES!”

I twisted my fingers around, and stroked hard… The subwoofers responded perfectly and I kept the gain tuned perfectly. Octavia ended with a hard downstroke to her cello, as Vinyl cheered next to me at the soundboard. She grinned up at me, as all three of us panted for breath.

"Yeah! You're good at this for a first timer!" Vinyl said happily. I grinned back, my chest heaving.

"Thanks!” I said, “But uh… One question: Do you intentionally make everything you say sound like an innuendo?"

Vinyl stared at me, confusion all over her face.

"Innu-what?" She asked. I looked at Octavia, who rolled her eyes in a very dignified way. I shrugged.

"Nevermind,” I sighed, “I like this, but I think I prefer the violin."

Vinyl pouted, rubbing up against my leg like a needy cat. She looked up into my eyes, pulling down her shades so our gazes would be locked.

"Aw come on! I bet if you gave me a few minutes in the bedroom I could change your mind~!" She teased. I laughed.

"Is that where you keep your other soundboard?" I asked, nimbly deflecting her latest joke. Vinyl stared back, confused, and then slowly looked aside.

"... Yes. Yes it is,” she sighed.

I rubbed the top of her hair, and scritched her behind her ears. She sighed happily, leaning against me. I smiled back, and gave Octavia the same treatment. The gray mare groaned happily, also leaning in… Just as the clock chimed. I looked up at it, and grimaced.

“Damn. Sorry ladies, I need to get going,” I apologized. “But I’ll be back next week for more lessons.”

“I’ll-I’ll expect you promptly at the same time,” Octavia said. Vinyl nodded.

“Totally…”

I beamed, packed my violin back into its case, gave them a wave and headed out the door. Both ponies watched me go, waving back. Then they closed the door.

I sighed happily. I really was lucky to have two more good friends like that in Ponyville.

Octavia and Vinyl

Vinyl stomped around like a foal throwing a tantrum, right into the kitchen. She groaned and slammed her head against the refrigerator door.

“How in Tartarus is he not bucking us both now?!” Vinyl cried. “He has got to be the thickest stallion the world has ever known!”

“You're hopeless,” Octavia scoffed from the couch. “And besides, he was probably just deflecting your lewd language.”

“HEY! I was making an effort!” Vinyl cried, pointing a hoof back at Vinyl. “All you did was play cello for him! And that didn’t work!”

Octavia flushed, and looked away. “I thought a romantic etude, with its sensual interplay, would get the point across,” she said defensively. “It’s not my fault he distracted me with discussion of musical theory from his world!”

“Urgh,” Vinyl groaned, “oh well. There’s always next week.”

Author's Note

No, not every mare in Ponyville is hot for Shepherd. And I will be having him interact with other background ponies in non-romantic hijinks ways. I just thought this would be fun.

Sleeping with Mares: Twilight Sparkle

The Stars Revolt!

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

And a magical interlude...

There was nothing quite like a turkey sandwich, kettle cooked chips, and an ice cold apple cider after a hard day’s work in the hot sun. I leaned back in my chair on my porch, and just looked out at Ponyville’s rustic splendor. Ponies going about their business, working or enjoying themselves. I smiled and leaned back, the shade of my large umbrella keeping me protected from the midday sun.

It was a picturesque, perfect scene, with just the right number of clouds overhead to set off the bright blue sky. I sighed, kicking my foot up and down like a kid. These peaceful moments just really made me feel wonderful.

A bush rustled nearby. I looked over at it, momentarily startled. I frowned, then shrugged. I looked back out at the scenery, and sipped on my cider. Probably just a rabbit or-

“Subject is enjoying his cider, cannot determine temperature,” a familiar voice muttered from the bush. I looked over at it, and no more noise emanated from the bush. I looked over at Ponyville again, and sighed.

“Knew it was too good to last,” I muttered under my breath. I took a deep breath, and a little louder, said, “Well, guess I’ll go back inside and get more cider. I’ll be right back!”

I got up, opened the door, and went inside. I then quickly ran to the back door, opened it, and crept around to the other side of my house. The bush was muttering again, and the sounds of a quill scratching against paper was audible.

Yeah, I know. Who could possibly fall for a corny line like that?

I pounced on the bush, and grabbed the occupant. She squealed, and struggled as I held her tightly against me. I looked down at her, and raised an eyebrow.

“Twilight Sparkle?” I asked in disbelief. I looked in the bush: It was filled with notebooks, guidebooks, pencils, quills, binoculars, and plenty of other scientific tools. I looked back at the blushing mare, who was intensely studying her hooves.

“Dare I ask what you’re doing spying on me outside my house?” I asked. Twilight frowned.

“Isn’t that a rhetorical question? Since you already asked what I’m doing here-”

“You go Grammar Nazi on me and I’ll throw you into the lake,” I warned her.

“What’s a Nazi?” Twilight asked.

I sighed, and closed my eyes. Calm down, calm down…

“Why are you spying on me?” I asked, slow and clear. Twilight blushed harder, and tapped her forehooves together.

“I-I’m not spying!” She insisted. “I’m observing. I mean, after all Shepherd, you are an alien!” She poked me in the chest. “And while Princess Celestia’s doctors did a basic physical of you, there’s still so much we don’t know about humans! And their behavior!”

I let out a long sigh. I shook my head. “You could just ask,” I pointed out. Twilight frowned.

“But that would defeat the purpose of scientific observation: To see you when you are behaving naturally and unaware for proper test… Um…” Twilight winced at my glare. “I’m making this worse, aren’t I?”

“Infinitely,” I deadpanned. Twilight put her hooves together and looked up at me with her soulful eyes.

“I’m sorry Shepherd,” she insisted, “but I just want to know about you! You’re an alien! I can’t believe nopony else in this town sees that as strange!”

“They did, at first,” I pointed out, “but they got used to me.”

Twilight grimaced. She closed her eyes, and huffed through her nostrils. She then opened her eyes and smiled.

“Listen,” she said, “how about instead of spying on you, I just ask you questions about your world? More indepth questions? Would that be all right?”

I stared at her. The little unicorn was very able at looking cute. And really, she didn’t mean any harm. She was studying friendship in a world where friendship could be turned into a death ray, and I was an alien being. I thought it over a bit longer, before I nodded.

“All right,” I said. “Come on in. Bring your notebooks.”

Twilight squealed happily, leaping out of my arms and collecting all of her equipment. She practically teleported right up to my door. She beamed at me expectantly.

I was already having second thoughts, but come on. I was also a nerd at heart, and if our positions were reversed of course I’d want to know everything I could about a real, live alien!

I opened the door for her and waved her inside. She pranced over to the table, and sat in one of the chairs. I closed the door behind me and sat in the opposing chair. I rested my elbows on the table, as Twilight arranged all of her notebooks and equipment neatly around her. She settled into the chair and smiled happily.

“Comfortable?” She asked. I nodded, even as she levitated a glowing crystal ball near me. I raised my eyebrow.

“And that is?” I asked.

“A memory orb,” Twilight said, “it’ll record everything you say. I don’t want to miss a second!”

I held back a sigh. Again, put yourself in her hooves. You’d be just as excited to meet a being from another world. Or universe. You hadn’t figured that out yet, though Princess Celestia promised her researchers were working on it.

“All right,” I said. “What would you like to know?”

“Well,” Twilight said cheerfully, “how far back does the history of your world go?”

I paused, and thought about it.

“Depends on what kind of history you’re asking about, I guess,” I said. “I mean, there’s recorded history which goes back about 6,000 years. When we developed civilization. Then there’s the history of my species, called Homo sapiens, which goes back about 500,000 years. Then there’s the natural history of my planet, Earth, which is around 4 and a half billion years old…”

I scratched the back of my head. “And if I’m from another universe, then I suppose it goes back 13.6 billion years…”

I volunteered in the space section of a local natural history museum for years. A lot of stuff tends to stick with you. I looked back at Twilight, away from my memories.

The purple unicorn’s jaw had dropped, and her eyes were glazed. She looked like she was drooling. I smiled, a bit uneasily.

“So, where should I start?” I asked.

“The beginning of the universe!” Twilight cried, leaning forward. I coughed, and felt like tugging at my collar. I took another deep breath.

Again, put yourself in her hooves. Her species hadn’t even gotten into space yet, of course this is exciting to them.

“All right,” I began, “based on our observations with telescopes starting about a hundred years ago, two astronomers named Georges Lemaître and Edwin Hubble noticed that almost all galaxies we could observe seemed to be getting further away from ours. Lemaître theorized that the only way this could happen is that the universe started out much smaller than it is now. It started in an event called the “Big Bang”, all of spacetime expanding from a single point. Eventually, more modern telescopes found weird radiation all across the universe, dated far, far back in the past. This was called the Cosmic Background Radiation, and it was discovered that it was radiation from the early universe-Basically, when light particles were first able to escape from the concentrated mass of the early, small universe. That proved that the Big Bang was probably how the universe began-”

“What happened before the Big Bang though?” Twilight asked. I shook my head and shrugged.

“No one knows. We can’t see back past that point, because no light could escape the universe past that point. Many humans believe a deity created the universe, but again, we’ll probably never know for sure.”

“Continue,” Twilight said, enraptured. It was a struggle to remember all this, but hey: I had a captive audience. It was nice to talk about home with someone genuinely interested in it, for a little while.

Several hours later…

I sipped my glass of water, but it didn’t seem to help my lips much. They were dry like desert sands, just soaking up the soil but not giving anything back. My back was sore, my knees ached.

“And so,” I managed, “there is still a great deal of debate in the scientific community over how much of an influence our use of fossil fuels has had over the climate since the Little Ice Age. We remain in an interglacial period but how long it’ll last is again, a big question. Many countries are working to transition to renewable energies while others are embracing fossil fuels to elevate their populations’ quality of life, so there’s that aspect to the debate as well.”

I was trying to present as neutral a view of our planet as possible without getting into our stupid politics. Sue me.

I rubbed my temples as Twilight eagerly took lots of notes, notes for her notes, and notes for her note notes. Notes.

I looked up at the clock. Yup, it was an all nighter. Again.

“And how does this relate to solar activity periods?” She asked eagerly. I groaned and rubbed my closed eyes.

“Nngh… We may be entering a Maunder Minimum solar spot cycle which may influence the climate on Earth. Though how much it does compared to fossil fuel use or volcanic activity is also a big question... “ I stood up and slowly made my way to bed. Twilight appeared right in front of me, her notebooks and pens still at the ready.

“Wha-Where are you going?” Twilight cried. “We’re not done! We’ve barely scratched the surface of your planet’s history!”

“Twilight,” I said, getting annoyed.

“That’s all just the natural history-There’s so much about the dinosaurs you didn’t relate-”

“Twilight,” I growled warningly. Twilight continued, advancing on me.

“And those details about glaciation-You have to tell me more-!”

“TWILIGHT!” I barked, and I made her jump.

I sighed, and again steeled myself. “Twilight, we’ve been talking all day. It’s late, and we both need to be up early in the morning. So let’s go sleep, please?”

“I… Oh,” Twilight murmured, looking at her hooves. She levitated her equipment over to the table, looking remorseful.

“I’m sorry Shepherd,” she said. “I just… I got lost in learning so much.”

I gave her a small, tired smile. I pulled her into a hug, which made her squeak.

“It’s okay,” I said, “it’s okay. But let’s have some moderation, all right? I’m not going anywhere.”

Twilight nuzzled my shoulder.

“Okay,” she mumbled. She blushed and looked up at me. “Um… If it isn’t too much trouble? I mean, my library is on the other side of town, and I am right here, and um, well-”

I sighed. I carried her into the bedroom, and tossed her onto the bed. She squeaked, and began mumbling.

“N-No, I mean, I meant the couch! I could sleep on the couch, we-we don’t have to-to-I-I mean-!”

I pulled off my clothes, stripping down to my boxers that Rarity had custom made for me. They were very comfortable. I pulled the covers down, and slid in. I tucked Twilight in under the sheets, even as she squirmed and babbled and blushed.

“N-No! No, I mean, not that I want to-I mean I do want to-I mean, I’ve thought of it-This is all so sudden-Maybe-Maybe a date first-?”

“Twilight, shut up,” I muttered as I hugged her, “and go to sleep.”

“Oh… O-Okay,” Twilight murmured. She snuggled up to me, and I sighed in relief.

Finally. I could sleep. And I did. And with a nice, warm, cuddly and silent pony to cuddle with, I had good dreams.

The next morning…

I groaned. Celestia’s sun always seemed to know just how to hit the blinds across my window to wake me up. I stretched, and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. I leaned up, and got to my feet. I padded across the floor to the bathroom, where I started the water and began to get ready for the day.

I had just finished brushing my teeth and spitting when Twilight teleported in.

“Shepherd!” She cried. I jumped and spun around, glaring.

“TWILIGHT! Don’t DO that!” I shouted. The unicorn blushed, and pulled back.

“I’m sorry! Sorry!” She cried. She turned around and looked out the window. I shoved her out of my bedroom, pushing her despite her protests. “But-But I need to tell you-!”

“It can wait,” I decided, as I shut the door hard behind her. I sighed, pulled on my clothes, and then I came out of my bedroom. Twilight was waiting for me on the couch, looking bashful. I went to the kitchen and got some cereal and milk. I ate it, unhurriedly, as Twilight looked over at me. She opened her mouth, but I held up a finger for her to wait. Mercifully, she obeyed, staying quiet.

I finished my breakfast and juice, and then I walked over to the couch. I sat across from her, and took a deep breath.

“Thank you for waiting,” I said. Twilight winced.

“I’m sorry, again,” she said. “Can you forgive me?” I sighed, and reached out to scratch her behind her ears. She immediately groaned happily. “Oh… Is-Is that a yes?”

“It is,” I said with a smile. “Okay, now: What is it?”

“Thank you for telling me so much about your world,” Twilight said with a nod, “and again, I’m really sorry for going overboard. You’re right: I shouldn’t treat you like a test subject.”

I nodded back to her. “Thank you,” I said, “I appreciate that.”

Twilight beamed as I scratched her scalp a bit harder.

“And-And I sent a friendship letter to Princess Celestia about it,” she said, “explaining how I shouldn’t let my curiosity overcome our friendship.”

I nodded. “Sounds like it was a good letter,” I stated. Twilight nodded happily.

“Yes! And I told her about how you let me sleep with you and how wonderful it was!”

I blinked. I blinked again. “I see,” I began.

Well, come on. Surely Princess Celestia can tell the difference between sleeping with and sleeping with. She’s thousands of years old, after all. She’s been around the block. She wouldn’t take it the wrong way-

“And she even gave me a helpful book!” Twilight said cheerfully, blushing hard as she held the book up. “I haven’t opened it yet, because she said we should read it together!”

“The Pony Sutra,” I read blandly. I sighed.

Either the princess was taking it seriously or pranking us.

Either away? I was probably screwed...

Author's Note

Please, resist your urge to argue with a fictional character's views on science. He's just keeping it as neutral as possible, okay? Argue about the cuddling and Twilight being Twilight. It's much more fun.

Apple Acres

The Stars Revolt!

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

Another interlude for your amusement. This is canon to the story, just happening later.

A nice, relaxing day off. God, it felt like I'd had way too few of these lately. Maybe I needed a proper vacation, a real change of pace. Somewhere away from the town that billed itself as very quiet and peaceful but was turning into Sunnydale. Complete with several local magical badass females and a snarky, unempowered nerd human.

Not that I was anywhere near as clever or snarky as Xander Harris. Nor did I love Twinkies nearly as much.

In any event, I'd decided to take a break out in the northern orchard of Sweet Apple Acres. With Applejack's permission, I'd hung a hammock between two large apple trees, and was lazily swinging back and forth gently in the shade. I sighed happily, my arms behind my head. A cooler full of ice cold drinks, and a little record player playing some wonderfully relaxing classic music completed the scene. I adjusted my straw hat to better shade my eyes.

This was the life. Not a care in the world.

A blue face with large, red eyes poked its way into my field of vision. I froze, and stared back. I sighed, and closed my eyes again. I adjusted my straw hat.

"Hey Shepherd," Rainbow Dash said.

"Hey Dash," I replied quietly. Dash lifted my hat up with her nose, and scowled at me.

"You mad at me or something?" She asked. I blinked up at her.

"Huh? No. What gave you that idea?" I asked.

"Well, you're trying to ignore me," she said. She poked me in the chest with her hoof as she hovered over me. I rolled my eyes.

"Trying, and failing. Take it as a compliment," I said wryly. Dash huffed, and scowled down at me.

"Hmph!" She poked at the hammock. "A hammock, huh? Is it really comfortable?"

I nodded slowly.

"It is," I said. "I mean, you nap in a tree or on a cloud."

"Yeah, but I've never napped on a hammock before," she mused. She hummed, and then dropped down on top of me. I grunted, and looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Dash!"

"Hey, you're napping, I'm napping," Dash said, as she snuggled up. "I wanna see if napping on you is more comfortable than a cloud or tree."

I sighed. Well, she did feel very nice on top of me. Nice and warm. I reached up and scratched her behind her ears. She groaned happily, and snuggled deeper into my chest.

"Just to see what's more comfortable, mind you," Dash said quickly. I chuckled and patted her back.

"Certainly," I said.

"It doesn't mean I like you or anything," Dash continued. I blinked a few times, and shrugged.

"Well yeah," I replied.

"And definitely, definitely doesn't mean I want to date you, or-or anything gay like that!" Dash went on, more aggressively. I blinked a few more times, as Dash blushed hard.

"Oh... Kay?" I said. "I get it Dash: You're my friend too. I understand."

Dash looked up at me, pouting hard.

"Yeah. Friends," she huffed. "Definitely not anything else! You weird alien!"

"Is there something wrong, Dash?" I asked, now concerned. "Did somebody say you weren't feminine again?"

Dash blinked, and then rapidly shook her head.

"No! No, that's not-!"

"Because I think you're feminine, in a badass way," I said with a smile. "So you don't have to worry about it. You're like Athena, or Susan Ivanova. You know, the badass Russian starship commander?"

"Yeah, I remember that," Dash insisted, "that's not my problem-!"

"So what is it?" I asked. Dash worried her lower lip, and looked aside.

"Uh... I... I like you," she mumbled. "Like... Ya know... A lot?"

I nodded slowly.

"Oh, is that all?" I asked. "I like you too."

Dash beamed up at me, her wings spreading widely. She looked about ready to take off.

"Really?!" She cried.

"Of course!" I said, scratching the top of her head. "You're one of my very best friends."

Dash deflated, her wings sinking.

"Oh," she grumbled, looking quite cross. I frowned. I reached down and scratched between her wings. She melted, and moaned loudly as she cuddled with me.

"I mean it," I said earnestly. "Out of all the ponies I first met, you welcomed me with open hooves and wings. And you stood up for me at the town meeting when that rich bitch tried to have me classified as a beast." I scratched between her wings harder, and Dash groaned, cuddling with me closer.

"Uh... Uh huh..." She went on. I shook my head.

"I do not know what Filthy sees in her."

"She's a horrible nag, but she's a really hot MILF," Dash groaned. I blinked.

"Really? I don't see it," I said. Dash's eyes widened.

"W-Wait... You don't... See it... Uhhh...?" She asked. I shook my head.

"Nah. I'm a human, remember? I don't see ponies in a sexual sense," I said. I saw that Dash was about to slip off, and I reached down and grabbed her rump. She yelped, and wiggled a bit. She looked at me intently.

"So... If some pony were to be attracted to you...?" Dash asked, her eyes darting to the side. I shrugged.

"I guess it's possible? But I don't see how it could be," I admitted. "I'm just a bit, goofy primate after all. You ponies have evolved to find your own kind attractive. I mean, most of you."

"W-Well, actually, we do like species other than ours," Dash said carefully, stuttering hard. I frowned and readjusted my grip on her bottom. She groaned.

"You all right? And you do?" I asked. Dash nodded quickly.

"Y-Yeah...! Like, griffins! And dragons! And sometimes minotaurs! Ooooh...!"

"Oh! Well, that's good for you guys," I said with a smile, "but I just can't see you guys in a sexual sense. I mean," at her shocked, angry look, "I mean! You're just fine! In fact I think you're cute, but sexy?" I shook my head. "I just can't see it."

Dash scowled.

"Oh really?" She asked. I nodded.

"Absolutely," I replied.

Dash smirked, and arched her back like a cat.

"Well then," she purred, "maybe I should take you for a ride that will change your life~."

I blinked a few times. No way, come on...

"Er... You mean...?" I asked. Dash looked aside.

"I mean... You know, I'd just be doing it to help you out," she said quickly. "And it wouldn't be anything serious but... Uh, it wouldn't mean I want to have your foals or anything!"

"Okay, so what would it be?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

She blushed hard. I frowned in concern.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Well," Dash began... Which is when something hit the tree and knocked us both out of the hammock. Apples fell in a rain from above, and I held my hands up as a shield.

"OW OW OW!" I cried. Dash yelped.

"HEY!"

"Oops!" Applejack cried. The orange mare trotted up, adjusting her hat. "Sorry you two. Didn't see you there."

"What?!" Dash demanded, "how did you NOT see us?!"

"Well, we Earth ponies don't have quite as good o' vision as you pegasi," Applejack said, already trotting up and examining my head. "Ya alright, sugahcube?"

"Ow, yeah," I winced. I scowled. "Seriously though, watch out next time!"

"Oh, ah will," Applejack said, smiling but her eyes were narrowed. "Ah jest have a tendency t' get a little... Violent over mares who can't leave well enough alone."

Dash glared back at Applejack. It was like an arc of electricity was crackling between them, as they took the measure of one another.

"Oh really? You haven't seen me when I'm fighting for what's mine," Dash growled back.

I looked back and forth, and sighed. I was definitely not going to be in the middle of this.

"Yeah, look, you guys have fun with your epic rivalry. I'm going to go relax somewhere else."

Applejack and Dash started, and both grabbed onto my arms as I gathered up my supplies.

"Hey, hang on!" Dash cried. "We've still got napping to do!"

"And ah jest put together a cool bath fer ya!" Applejack insisted. "We can share it!"

"Like Tartarus you'll share it with him!" Dash hissed.

"Like I said, you guys enjoy the rivalry and I'll be somewhere else," I said. I yanked myself free, and tipped my hat to them. "Good day, ladies."

I headed off as the two began to argue furiously. I shook my head.

Dash had definitely given me something to think about.

"I'LL RIP YER CELESTIA-DAMNED WINGS OFF!"

Somewhere else.

Sweet Apple Acres was the source of most of my work, if I was being honest. The industrious Apple family had a lot of land and a lot of assets they needed to maintain and improve, and so there was almost always something they could hire me for. And while the work was difficult, it was very rewarding. Both in monetary terms, and in the friendship I had with the Apples. The day after my awkward day off, I was back at it.

I was working hard on the porch-Another plank had gotten loose, and I had to nail it down. It was troublesome, as no matter how much I used my mallet or my hammer and nails, the damn thing wouldn't stay down! It was just irritating. I sighed as I glared down at the porch. I grit my teeth and tried very hard not to grind them. I lifted my hammer up again, and slammed it down furiously.

"Come on, come on... Stay! Down! Why? Won't?! You?! Stay?! Down?!"

I glared with as much hatred as I could at the disobedient piece of wood. I sighed, and leaned back on my knees. Thankfully the Equestrians had kneepads. Nearby, Granny Smith, the aged matriarch of the Apple family, was sitting in her rocking chair. She chuckled softly, rocking back and forth. Her rocking chair creaked gently on the far straighter porch planks.

"Losin' yer temper ain't gonna help it," Granny advised. "Give it a rest, and sit a spell with me."

I took a few deep breaths, and then nodded. I stood up, and walked over. I sat down next to the aged mare, and looked out at the apple orchards with her. It was quiet, save for the wind blowing gently and the creaking of the old mare's chair. I fidgeted, feeling a bit awkward. Granny Smith was always kind but also very strange. Granny let out a breath through her nostrils, and shook her head.

"Ah thought I'd seen everything, ya know," she said at last. I blinked slowly, and shrugged.

"I think everyone thinks that when they get old enough," I said gently. Granny Smith hummed thoughtfully, looking me over. I fidgeted again. Granny Smith's eyes were old-Not as old as Celestia's, but still quite ancient.

I remember when I'd looked into the eyes of the alicorn princess. It was like looking into the eyes of eternity. Her gaze was steady as a mountain, and just as unchanging. Yet her eyes crinkled in merriment like a child, and could see through you like you were utterly transparent. Granny Smith's gaze wasn't quite that intense, but still bore the experience and wisdom of ages. She chuckled again, her eyes closing and adding to the laughter lines on her aged face.

"Seein' a human is somethin' ah'd never thought ah'd see," she said. "Seems all them legends is comin' true. A time of heroes an' monsters."

I frowned. Princess Celestia had said humans were known to Equestria in their ancient legends, but they hadn't seen any in thousands of years.

"You know about humans?" I asked. Granny Smith chuckled.

"Well course ah do! Why do you think ah always treat ya so nice?" She asked. I shrugged.

"I assumed you did that for everyone."

"Well, ah do," Granny admitted, "but ah also do it t' get yer blessin'. And frankly, mah farm needs all th' help it can get."

"Blessing?" I asked in confusion. Granny nodded, and cleared her throat.

"'And so Megan the Wise taught the Earth ponies the till and the hoe. How to sow carrots, corn, apples, potatoes, and cherries. To grow wheat and to bake bread so that they would not go hungry.' From th' chapter o' Sundance in the Book o' Harmony." Granny Smith nodded and winked. "Ah'm a descendant of one o' the ponies who helped Megan the Wise, ya know! Applejack's named fer her!"

"Um," I began, thinking about how best to handle this, "Granny Smith, while I appreciate that... I'm not some supernatural being. I mean, I don't even have magic!"

Granny Smith chuckled, and patted my shoulder with her shaking hoof. She gave me a wink.

"Not all magic is obvious, sonny," she said. "Ya came jest before Nightmare Moon returned! It's prophecy! So jest in case, ah'm gonna make sure yer well taken care of. As it says in the Book 'o Harmony!"

I sighed, and rubbed my face. Great, I was a religious icon on an alien world. That couldn't possibly end badly.

"All right. I appreciate it, but I'm still going to work for everything you give me," I stated firmly. Granny Smith laughed, and nodded.

"Ah'd expect nothin' less!" She said. She gave me a sidelong look. "So, yer of age raht?"

I raised my eyebrows.

"Yeeeeaaaahhh?" I asked.

"And ah've seen Applejack givin' ya some looks," Granny added. I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Granny, I told you-I don't see ponies in that way."

Granny shrugged. "So ah'll git the Princesses t' turn Applejack into a human mare! Her flanks'll be firm and her hips'll be wide 'n foal bearing no matter if she's an Earth Pony or a human! Ah'd love t' be great-grandma t' a demigod or five!"

I sighed and looked out at the apple acres. There was Applejack all right, hard at work as usual. She was pouring water into a bucket, and poured it all over herself. The water flowed down her body, and left her long, blonde hair soaked and sticking to her fur. She looked our way, her hat off, her green eyes warm as she gave me a little smile.

My mind imagined her as a human female... And I blushed hard. Granny Smith cackled.

"Heeheehee! So, when ya'll goin' on a date, huh?!"

"I think I'll take a rain check," I said quickly, getting up and gathering my tools. "Fix it tomorrow, see ya!"

I headed off quickly. I had the feeling I was going to have some issues from now on...

Author's Note

Well he couldn't stay THAT dense forever, could he?

Night Sky

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

There were some nights I just couldn't sleep. I just couldn't relax, and I just couldn't get all those dark, dour thoughts out of my head. The 'hour of the Wolf', as the Russians called it.

The time of night when all you could see were the problems and the worries and your fears, that just wouldn't go away. And there wasn't enough hard alcohol in Equestria to silence them. And after a while, you were tired of trying to numb the pain and there was nothing else to do but suffer through it.

So in short, I was sitting on the roof of my house and looking up at the night sky. Lying on my blanket as I stared up into the gorgeous infinity of the universe. The stars were utterly foreign to me in almost every way, not a single recognizable constellation. Even the flow of the galaxy across the sky looked foreign, and the moon was so different too. All suddenly so alien and unfamiliar, without the comfort of the skies I knew. Yet I couldn't look away.

I felt a presence land next to me, and I looked over, startled. There was a tall alicorn, dark blue, with a wavy main and turquoise eyes. She gazed upon me with familiarity. It took some time for me to recognize her, but I figured it out.

"Princess Luna?" I asked. I made to get up to bow or something, but the alicorn held up a hoof.

"Nay, there is no need for you to rise," she said gently. She gave me a shy smile. "It has been some time, hasn't it, Shepherd the Human?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah," I said with a nod, sitting back down. I sighed and leaned back, my eyes again drawn to the sky. I felt the princess kneel down next to me, and clear her throat. She didn't say anything though. It was very awkward, if I'm being honest. Even with the majesty of the heavens overhead.

"... You're... Feeling better?" I asked, feeling stupid. Luna nodded.

"We are," she said formally. "It has taken time to recover our strength, but we are... Better." She bowed her head.

"Again, we feel we must apologize for our treatment of you," she said. "And we felt it best to do it in person."

I looked over at her, and shook my head.

"It's all right," I said. "I mean, it wasn't you, right?"

Luna was silent for a time. I sensed I'd tread on a sensitive topic, and I grimaced.

"I'm sorry. Is that too personal?" I asked.

Luna took a deep breath, her eyes wandering again.

"In a sense, it was, and it wasn't," she admitted quietly. "Our anger, our jealousy, our despair, our fear... All those things made the Nightmare Moon. The entity that overtook us used those... Made those worse. Made us... Into a monster." She looked aside. "We were not helpless in its rampage, and yet... Now all we have when we look upon the past is regret."

I looked over at her. Luna let out another long sigh.

"We would retake our throne, and yet..." She trailed off, and looked at me. "Would our ponies... Even accept us again?"

I didn't know how to answer that. Not without some thought. Still, helping her took my mind off my own problems. It made me feel like I wasn't just alone and stupid.

"It's been a thousand years," I said. "I think they're just as confused about how to relate to you, as you are to them." I managed a small smile. "I think though, if your ponies can accept some weird alien like me, they can accept you."

She stared at me for a time. I shook my head.

"Not that it will be easy," I said quickly. "There are always going to be people-er, ponies, who don't accept you. Who even fear you," I admitted, looking back at the sky. "And you'll wonder... You'll wonder if it's even worth it, sometimes, to go out."

"This has been the case with you?" Luna asked. I nodded.

"Yeah," I said. I shook my head. "I mean, before coming to a weird alien world and being seen as a monster." I looked up at the sky, and shifted uncomfortably. "Not that it compares to being locked in the moon for a thousand years-"

"No, no," Luna said quietly, reaching out a hoof. She awkwardly placed it on my elbow. It wasn't a hand over mine, but it felt... Comforting in that moment. I stared at it for a while, before looking back up at the sky. I coughed.

"It's... Well... When I was eight, my mother died of cancer," I explained. "We were so close, and to lose her then..." I let out a soft sigh, tracing the stars overhead with my eyes. "It felt like my whole world was destroyed. Like, I wasn't really a child anymore, but I was. That made it hard to fit in with everyone else." I paused, working my jaw. "I loved reading books, too. I got that from her, and my dad. And my dad... He worked so hard to try and keep me and my little brother happy. He was so forgiving, so caring, so strong. I felt so guilty when I had trouble in school, or had health problems he had to pay so much for. Because I knew losing Mom hurt him just as much. Causing him pain, or disappointing him, felt like I was hurting him." I let out another sigh.

It just kept coming. Kept bubbling up.

"And you know, years of struggling in school, in college, at jobs of mine... Still stuck at home while everyone else moved on to have homes and families of their own? While I couldn't find a girl who loved me, or I loved... Until I found one I thought I loved." I snorted. "Then she cheated on me with some asshole, and just... Pretended like it was my fault."

The anger was pretty dull there. All that was left was the pain. I took another breath.

"And then, just when everything was looking up and I was finally getting my life on track... I ended up in some alien world from some freak accident. Where I'm the only one of my kind," I said softly. "In the Everfree Forest. I got chased by monsters and hurt and I was starving and half mad... And even now, among ponies, sometimes there's a glare, or a look or fear, or a snide remark. A reminder that I'm... Alone."

I fell silent. As much as I tried to push it away, the memory of when Celestia had gently told me they had no way to send me home was just as clear.

If it was in this cosmos, they had no way of locating it among the trillions of galaxies across the vast plane of space. Much less sending me there.

If it wasn't, then there were an infinite number of parallel universes to search, and that would take a lifetime with no guarantee of finding my home.

I had accepted it as stoically as possible, excused myself, locked myself in the nearest empty room in the palace and I'd... I'd just cried. I sobbed, trying to keep the sound as muffled as possible. I don't know for how long, but the tears just wouldn't stop.

The worst part? Sometimes I still couldn't help crying. Sometimes I just couldn't get in private fast enough.

I didn't want pity. Pity was horrible. It just came with the implicit insult.

If I was alone, the only human being... Let me have my dignity. Please. Just let me be strong enough to carry on, and not a crybaby. Even now, I was fighting those tears back. I hated how weak I felt.

Luna watched me, the only sound that of our breathing. It was almost synchronized.

"And how do you endure it, Shepherd?" She asked softly. I looked from the stars, and caught sight of Sugarcube Corner. My gaze drifted, over Rarity's Boutique, the Golden Oaks Library, and Town Hall. My gaze drifted more, until I could spy in the distant moonlight the faint silhouette of Sweet Apple Acres. And beyond that, though too far to see, I knew would be Fluttershy's little cottage.

I couldn't help the small smile that came to my face at the thought of them all.

"... Same way as on Earth," I said, "with a little help from my friends."

My smile grew, just a bit.

"Fluttershy was the first being I met when I got here. I met her after... God, days of being on the run in the Everfree Forest. The first being that hadn't tried to kill me, or eat me, or scare me," I said. "I thought she was an angel, to spirit me away into Heaven. She hugged me, she promised that she wouldn't hurt me... She got me to her house and healed me. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie, Rarity... They all helped out. So did the Mayor, and the Doctor, and... And Princess Celestia," I recounted.

Even now, I could remember when I emerged from that terrible, lonely door. The princess stood there, and I tried to come up with some excuse and... She'd just hugged me. With those big, warm wings and her graceful neck. And I'd hugged her back, like I gained strength and peace just from her touch.

"If it wasn't for People... Or Ponies who care about me," I continued, "I'd have... I'd have given up. Even when I can't imagine how they could, they do. All I can see are my flaws and all the bad things and failures in my life and..."

I held a hand over my eyes. I know, I know, but I just don't like anyone seeing my tears. I took a deep breath, and calmed myself.

"... They just see reasons to love me," I finished softly. "And I have to trust those are real."

I didn't dare look at Luna until I'd wiped my face. I looked over at her, and the mare was smiling in a similar fashion. A bit of wetness was underneath her eyes, but she hid it away with her telekinesis. I didn't point it out.

"... I see," Luna said softly. She bowed her head. "You have given us-I mean... You have given me much to think on, Shepherd the Human." She smiled, and gently extended her head out.

She nuzzled me.

"Thank you," she said gratefully.

I wanted to say something smart alecky, to hide my feelings. Nothing came, as I returned the smile.

"You're welcome," I said. Luna cleared her throat, again.

"We must attend to our royal duties," she said formally, that wall back up between us. "Please... Enjoy the Night, Shepherd the Human."

I nodded back to her. "You too, your Majesty," I said. "And thank you."

Luna smiled, and vanished into ethereal mist. I was alone again.

I looked back up at the night sky, a little smile on my face.

Well... I was feeling a bit less stupid, at least. That has to count for something.

Author's Note

Woah that got intense didn't it?

More of "Thorns" next time though. It'll be a five parter.

Sunday Clothes

I had visited Twilight's Library for yet another session of scientific testing and examination, and I wasn't in the best kind of mood. Frankly, I felt like I was in a rut. Get up, work, be experimented on, go home, spar with Chewie, and sleep.

Equestria had been swiftly rebuilt by its inhabitants and a sense of normalcy had returned to the land. Already, it had become dull and tedious.

I sighed hard, the weariness feeling like a shroud around my bones and joints-Keeping my movements stiff and slow. I trudged into the library and saw... Spike.

The poor dragon looked about as bad as I felt, sitting on a stool with his elbows on his knees. His head was supported by his hands, as he looked down at the floor. His tail was limp, and I could see a few tears dripping down his snout. I forgot my weariness and knelt down in front of him. I reached out and rested a hand on his tiny shoulder.

"Spike? Buddy? What is it?" I asked. Spike sighed, and closed his eyes.

"I... I tried to ask Rarity on a date," Spike said. He sagged a bit more. "She... She turned me down."

"Oh, Spike," I said gently. "I'm so sorry."

Spike sighed harder, deflating like a balloon.

"I-I mean... She let me down easy, but..." The dragon almost curled up into a ball. "I mean... I've liked her for so long and..."

I nodded, and patted him on the back. I felt for the little guy, really I did. I mean, how could I not?

"I have been there before, Spike, believe you me," I said. The dragon looked up at me, sniffling a bit.

"R-Really?"

I nodded.

"Oh yes," I said. I held a hand over my chest. "I have had my heart shattered by girls a lot. Been rejected by girls who I loved. Been dumped by girls I was going out with."

"Does... Does it ever stop hurting?" Spike asked. I slowly nodded.

"It will," I said gently. "I mean, Rarity does care for you. She loves you... Just not the way you love her back. And that sucks, but... She still cares for you."

Spike slowly nodded, and closed his eyes.

"That doesn't help right now," he admitted. I let out a humorless laugh, and patted him again.

"Yeah, no. It doesn't help," I said. "Not a bit."

Spike let out another long breath, staring down at his clawed fingers. I hummed.

"You want to get out of here for a while? Have some fun?"

"No," Spike groaned. "I... I don't feel like I'll ever have fun again."

"Bull," I retorted, and Spike looked up at me in surprise. "Look, I know you're hurting right now. It's normal to feel that way. But moping isn't going to help."

"I don't know, I feel like doing a lot of moping right now," Spike mumbled. I wrapped my arm around him, and pointed at the door. I took a deep breath, and music swelled in the background.

"Out there, there's a world outside of Ponyville!
Way out there beyond this hick town, Spiky-boy!
There's a slick town, Spiky-Boy!
Out there, full of shine and full of sparkle
Close your eyes and see it glisten, Spiky-Boy!
Listen, Spiky-Boyyyy~!"

Spike closed his eyes, and listened indeed. He then opened his eyes, and hopped off the stool. I grinned back at him as I stood up, and we began to walk over to the closet. I opened up a door, to Twilight's lab. She was setting up her examination table, and looked up in curiosity. I grabbed some extra human clothes hanging from a hook, stuff from the Canterlot archives-A nice straw boater hat, and a blue suit with a red tie for me. I got a nice messenger cap and bowtie for Spike, which he put on happily.

"Put on your Sunday clothes there's lots of world out there! Get out the brilliantine and dime cigars," I sang, changing my clothes with far more grace than I usually did. Twilight watched, her face burning red.

"We're gonna find adventure in the evening air, Girls in white, in a perfumed night, Where the lights are bright as the stars~!" I continued, and I pulled Spike out and had us both drop down onto a couch. I held up imaginary reins, and we both bounced like we were driving a buggy.

"Put on your Sunday clothes we're gonna ride through town," I resumed, "In one of those new horse drawn open cars~! We'll see the shows at Delmonico, And we'll close the town in a whirl!"

"And we won't come home until we've kissed a girl~!" Spike and I both sang cheerfully, as we got up and strode out of the library.

The entire town seemed to have turned out for this musical number. And emerging from seemingly nowhere, looking quite beautiful, was Princess Celestia. The beautiful mare was dressed to the nines, and was beaming at us. Frankly, how she was here was beyond me, but I was caught up in the spirit of the music.

"Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out," Celestia sang, striding down the street with her entourage, "Strut down the street and have your picture took~!" She spun around, and we danced with her.

"Dressed like a dream, your spirits seem to turn about~! That Sunday shine is a certain sign that you feel as fine as you look!" Celestia sang. We turned about in a trio, and strode down the street as other ponies began to dance and sing with us. Somepony tossed us some parasols, and we began to spin around underneath them.

"Beneath your parasol, the world is all the smile~! That makes you feel brand new down to your toes~!" We sang, "Get out your feathers, your patent leathers, Your beads and buckles and bows~!"

We picked up the pace, right up to the train station with our throng.

"For there's no blue Monday in your Sunday! No Monday in your Sunday! No Monday in your Sunday clothes~!" We chorused loudly. We went through an entire, amazingly choreographed dance and musical number. I danced with the Princess, I danced with the Mayor, I danced with a happy Pinkie Pie. Spike danced with every filly in town it seemed, from a blushing Sweetie Belle to an upset Diamond Tiara.

A repeat of the chorus, and the train at last arrived. We boarded it happily, Celestia now taking the lead of the song.

"Put on your Sunday clothes there's lots of world out there
Put on your silk cravat and patent shoes
We're gonna find adventure in the evening air
To town we'll trot, to a smoky spot where the girls are hot as a fuse~!"

"TOOT TOOT!" The train engineer contributed with the whistle.

"Put on your silk high hat and at the turned up cuff," we all sang,"We'll wear a hand made gray suede buttoned glove~!"

"We're gonna take Canterlot by storm~!" Celestia trumpeted.

"We'll join the Astors at Tony Pastor's And this I'm positive! Of that we won't come home~! No, we won't come home~!" We cried, looking back and forth at eachother as the train began to roll.

"No, we won't come home until we fall in love~!"

Spike's eyes widened in horror. The train abruptly stopped, squeaking loudly. The music ground to a halt. The little dragon jumped off the train.

"Oh no!" He shouted. "I forgot to file the library cards correctly! Twilight's gonna kill me!"

He scurried off. I watched him go, Princess Celestia's comforting presence next to me. Everypony else seemed very confused. I blinked.

"Princess," I began slowly.

"Yes my little human?" She asked.

"... What just happened?" I asked. Celestia hummed.

"A musical number. First time for you?"

I slowly nodded. "Yes."

"Well, it was a lovely song," Celestia said cheerfully, "one from your world?"

"Yeah," I said. Celestia smiled and gently bumped my shoulder with her nose.

"Want to go to Canterlot and have some fun?" She asked.

"... Sure, why not," I said.

I was dressed for it. And having a nervous breakdown would spoil an otherwise pleasant day.

I could always do that later.

And probably would.

After a truly fun filled day in Canterlot, I returned to Ponyville. And the moment I stepped off the train onto the platform, Twilight whisked me away to her lab. I bore with her intense experiments as stoically as I could, and answered her many questions.

"So this has never happened to you before?" She scribbled furiously on her notepad. I shook my head.

"No! Never! Hell, Princess Celestia told me about these spontaneous musicals. I didn't believe her-"

"Didn't believe her?!" Gasped Twilight.

I scowled at her. God, it was only a matter of time before she called her "Sempai" wasn't it?

"I was still processing the whole "randomly ending up on an alien planet with no way home" part!"

Twilight blushed.

"Oh. Sorry. Continue?"

I nodded.

"Anyway," I said, "once I saw one and asked her what the hell, she said it was possible I'd never get caught up in one. There is no real magic back on Earth after all."

"So it's only today you were in one..." Twilight mused aloud. I nodded.

"I have tried to start one before. Just out of curiosity. But again, never worked until now."

"After you were hit point blank by the Elements of Harmony," Twilight realized. I blinked and frowned, thinking on it.

"... So basically thanks to getting Rainbow Blasted, I... Have magic?"

Twilight hummed thoughtfully.

"Not a lot, but enough to interact with the musical geas on apparently every sapient creature on Equus. Ooh! I wonder if more exposure to magic would increase the effect?"

She smiled brightly at me. I stared back.

Five Minutes Later...

Twilight was standing outside my door, pounding away on it with her hooves. But thankfully, the lock held.

"Shepherd! Shepherd, come out of there!" She cried.

"No."

"But think of the possibilities!" She tried again.

"I am. No. Go away," I called back.

"SHEPHERRRRD!"

Author's Note

Just something to cheer us all up.

The song in question:

First Date: Fluttershy Part 1

The forest was dark. It was always dark. Even during the daytime, the trees seemed to stretch up and claw away the blue sky, leaving an eternal gloom and twilight that I was lost in. My steps had turned into a shamble, as my clothing had been torn to shreds.

I'd lost track of time. Hours, minutes? No. All I could think in was seconds.

How many seconds could I stay hidden from the monsters that prowled in this hell hole?

How many seconds could I risk letting my eyes stay shut, before something terrible rumbled below me in the undergrowth?

How many seconds could my improvised spear, and maybe a torch from my campfires, buy me against whatever new horror would show up and try to eat me?

I didn't know. It changed every time. I couldn't get a signal on my phone. I couldn't get anything, before it died. I wasn't helpless, but I felt damn near it. Here in this horrific place.

I'd tried pinching myself, dunking my head in the water of a stream-Anything to wake me up, short of jumping off a cliff to my death. Nothing. My aches and pains were all too real. The layers of sweat that kept my dirty, ragged clothes stuck to my skin were real. The fatigue that threatened to take me into sleep, into death? That was real enough.

Maybe I was in Hell. Maybe I'd died, and ended up here. Fighting for my life, my heart pounding in my ears? Never a moment's peace, a chance to think or even rest? I could think of few eternities that would be worse.

I rubbed my face, the beard prickling my fingers. I was peeking out of the brush at a game trail. I was already too close for comfort, being able to see it: Any number of predators would be around. I had to risk it though. I needed food, and waiting here seemed the only chance I had. The berries I'd tried had all tasted terrible-So terrible I'd retched up the one batch I'd managed to keep down. I felt sick and weak as it was.

So meat it was. It was the only option. The river was too dangerous.

A small white rabbit hopped along the path. I stayed completely still, keeping my breathing down. It bounced along, peering at everything with huge eyes-Eyes bigger than any other rabbit I'd seen. It almost seemed... Intelligent.

I let my eyes slip closed, nodded... Got myself back awake, eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize.

The rabbit hopped up to the snare I'd laid. It sniffed it. My grip tightened on the sharpened stick I'd made. The rabbit got a bit closer, just a bit...

A deafening roar rang out, and the rabbit vanished like a puff of smoke. The roar was right behind me, and I turned with my stick held up. The beast loomed over me, eyes glowing. It was crashing through the undergrowth, furious. I threw the stick, trying to scare it off. I screamed at it, my voice hoarse. The beast just roared back, and I saw in its eyes... It wasn't going to back down. It wasn't afraid.

I turned and ran, panic driving my actions down. My ragged shoes slapped against the dirt path as I sprinted, heart pounding, my breath coming in shorter and shorter pants. The beast just kept coming, slowed by the trees but in the open path? That would no longer be an issue.

I thought I saw the white rabbit ahead of me, intermittently. I also saw light-Brighter than any light I'd seen since I'd ended up in this godforsaken place. My legs were screaming in pain, my chest burned. My body was reaching the point where falling down and giving in seemed the only option. I couldn't ignore it. My mind was filled with pain, pain, pain... Begging for a release...

Somehow, despite this, despite my legs turning my run into a stumble... I broke out into the light. I shut my eyes, and tripped. I fell down a hill, tumbling end over end, the impacts barely registering. I slammed into the ground, hard. My breath left me, but I could see the blue sky overhead. I couldn't hear the monster's roars.

I breathed long and hard, the rest of my body unwilling to respond. The wind blew, making a flower bend over and tickle my nose. I could see the sun, as the clouds parted.

It was almost peaceful.

After a while, so many seconds I lost count, I was able to lift my head. My eyes slowly adjusted.

I was in a gorgeous meadow, filled with beautiful wildflowers that danced in the light breeze. I could see mountains, far off in the distance. I could smell the sweet fragrance of the flowers, it almost relaxed me.

The sun was blocked, and I looked up. I saw a figure with wings slowly flying down from heaven, a gentle face and wide, concerned eyes gazing down at me.

"Hello...? Are you all right?" Asked a soft, beautiful voice. I weakly reached a hand up.

If I was going to heaven, at least I was going via a...

Pegasus?

I stared in disbelief as a butter yellow pegasus with a pink mane landed in front of me. The white rabbit from before rushed up to her, and seemed to communicate with her via several gestures. She looked back at me, smiling warmly. My lips parted in a gape, as I began to scoot back as best I could. The being shook her head, looking concerned.

"Don't... Don't be afraid," she said softly, "I'm sorry if I scared you. I just want to help you. Please. My-My name is Fluttershy. What's yours?"

She scooted up closer. I would have scooted away more, but by that point my body was flat out refusing to respond anymore. I guess it decided that when talking pegasi showed up, it was time to give up. I couldn't disagree with that.

"Shepherd," I managed. "You're... Beautiful. For a hallucination..."

I guess I wasn't too tired to say stupid shit.

Fluttershy turned bright red. She trotted up to me, and reached out with her hoof.

"Um... I'm not a hallucination," she said, "but... Th-Thank you..."

I reached out and took her hoof. It felt solid. I didn't understand. I didn't know what to do.

"How can I help?" She asked softly. I closed my eyes.

"I'm lost... I'm alone... I..." Tears left my eyes. I didn't understand what was going on. I was too tired to question anything else. I felt arms and wings wrap around me. I felt her cheek against mine.

"It's all right, it's all right," Fluttershy said. "Don't be afraid... You're not alone. I promise, you're not..."

She began to sing something. I didn't know what the song was, but it was beautiful. I finally surrendered to my exhaustion, to the melody. I fell into slumber as she held me, warm and safe.

She was literally the first thing in this crazy world that hadn't tried to eat or kill me. That tends to stick with a guy.

So when it comes to dating ponies? She is the first on my list. I don't think anyone would mind it too much.

Well, Rainbow Dash might. But hey, she's still Fluttershy's best friend. She would understand, right?

Right. I mean, I just have to navigate dating multiple mares who could all kill me in a violent rage.

What could possibly go wrong?

... I thought that. It doesn't count. It absolutely does not count.

When you're the only human in Equestria, you do have to get all your clothes custom-made. While a lot of pony clothing looked like human clothing, the devil was in the details and the subtle differences in the body shape meant that I couldn't wear a Pony T-Shirt and be comfortable.

So that meant going to Rarity. Not that I minded, after all. She was a drama queen, but an entertaining one, and wonderfully kind and generous. She practically pranced around me as she measured and pinned fabric and lots of other things. Our conversation had been casual at the start.

"Hm," Rarity mused aloud, "your shoulders seem to have grown just a bit."

I sighed. "Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on them," I admitted. Rarity chuckled, using her magic to wrap her measuring tape around my belly.

"Is it also on your belly? As your waist seems slightly larger, darling," Rarity teased. I grumbled a bit, but good naturedly.

"I may have been hitting the pastries at Sugarcube Corner a bit harder than usual," I admitted. Rarity chuckled back, and poked me in the gut gently.

"You need to watch it! I can't just keep letting your clothes out!"

"I've just been busy," I admitted. "All the rebuilding means a lot more work! And more work means less time to make my own breakfast."

"No excuses!" Rarity cried, poking me again. I winced a bit at the pressure as she shook her head. "You really need to take better care of yourself, with your new responsibilities!"

"Oh yeah, those," I groaned. In the wake of the Nightmare Deer incident, I was now an official Royal Advisor. Part-time, at least, but it meant I'd been extremely busy during the day and night. I had Twilight to help out with a lot of the research I needed to do, but despite that it was still a rather daunting task. Rarity chuckled and gave me a warm smile.

"Now now, you shouldn't be unhappy about it! Think of the wonderful opportunities you've earned!" The white unicorn consoled me. "Rather than being treated as some kind of illegal alien!"

"That's probably just because there's only one of me," I said dryly. "If there were a lot more things would be different."

She shook her head, concentrating on the hem of the jacket she was fitting on me.

"You really do need to appreciate things more," Rarity stated, "or is it a human trait to always see the glass half empty?"

"It's probably just me," I admitted. Rarity hummed, and resumed her sewing. There was a moment of silence. Then, she asked:

"Have you decided on when you'll be asking Fluttershy out then?"

I looked at her sharply.

"How do you know I'm planning on asking her out first?" I demanded. Rarity just smiled.

"Well I know now, darling," she said with a smug smirk. I grumbled, glaring away from her at the mirror. Rarity shook her head.

"It's really rather obvious, darling," Rarity observed. "She is the one you've known the longest. And if you're going to make a move on any of us, she's the best one to start with."

"What about you?" I asked dryly. Rarity shook her head.

"Dear, you do have wonderful hands, but I'm afraid my sights are set on a prince," she said consolingly.

I raised an eyebrow.

"So you're giving Spike another chance?"

Rarity flushed, and shook her head.

"What? No! I mean, I like my Spikey-Wikey just fine, but he-he's far too young-"

"He was also raised by Princess Celestia herself," I said. "She is his legal guardian. That would make him a prince."

I mean, sure, he hadn't been given a title to that effect or anything but that was the most basic definition of a prince. Something Rarity was already turning over in her mind while worrying her lower lip.

"Well... That aside," she said quickly, storing this tidbit away for later reflection, "you are going to ask her out soon, yes? There is a critical timing to these things, and you're drawing it out."

I winced.

"Well we've all been very busy," I pointed out, "what with rebuilding the town and my new job-OW!"

Rarity gave me a poke with a needle that was particularly fierce. She glared up at me through her red rimmed reading glasses. I scowled back at her.

"What? I have been!"

"And now things are back to normal," Rarity stated, "so now? Get on with it!"

"But-!" She raised the needle again threateningly. I sighed. "All right. No more excuses. That said... Do you have any advice?"

Rarity's eyes lit up like the ignition of two new stars. She grinned broadly, as hungry as a shark.

"As a matter of fact, darling," Rarity began, holding up several notepads full of scribbled notes, "I do."

I held in a sigh. Once again, me and my big mouth...

Several long, long hours later, and I was finally walking up the dirt path to Fluttershy's door. Her lovely cottage stood in the early twilight like something out of a fairy tale. I adjusted my tie. Already, several hours worth of Rarity's "romantic training" (or should it be called "boot camp"? It felt a lot more like that) were firmly stuck in my mind.

I stepped up to the door, and lifted by hand. I formed a loose fist, and knocked on the door three times. I adjusted my jacket and smiled warmly.

The door slowly opened, letting Fluttershy peek out shyly. Seeing it was me, she blushed but opened the door fully. She looked up at me with her own warm smile.

"Oh... Hello Shepherd," she said kindly, "what brings you here? Um, if you don't mind me asking."

I knelt down, and reached out. I took Fluttershy's hoof in my hands, and her blush became far more pronounced. I looked her right in her gorgeous eyes as her hoof trembled slightly in my grasp.

"Fluttershy," I began, "would you do me the honor of going out to dinner at Gustav's this Faustday?"

Ah, a quick note. The Equestrians had a seven day week like ours, but naturally had different names for their days. Sunsday was their Sunday, which was followed by Moonsday, Terrasday, Lunsday, Celsday, Faustsday, and Disday. Right, back to the story.

Fluttershy stared back at me, her eyes suddenly very wide. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, before she regained her power of speech.

"Y-You mean... On... A D-D-Date?" She squeaked. I nodded.

"Yes. I am asking you on a date," I said. Fluttershy grinned widely... And stayed silent. I blinked a few times as this went on for about a minute.

"Fluttershy? Are you okay?" I managed. Fluttershy started, and then nodded furiously.

"Y-Yes! Yes!"

"Yes to the date, or yes to you're okay?" I asked, unable to help teasing her just a bit. She nodded much faster.

"YES! Both! Yes! I-I'll go on a date with you!" She cried. "On Faustday!"

"Faustday at 6 sound good to you?" I asked. "I can pick you up-"

"Six is f-f-fine," Fluttershy said, still very quickly.

Despite the awkwardness, I was smiling back genuinely. And her own smile was just as sincere.

"Six it is," I said. I stroked her hoof once, before letting her go. "I'll see you then."

"I-I'll be waiting!" She replied happily. I turned and walked away slowly, feeling Fluttershy's eyes on my back. I could hear her happy sigh... And then a surprised gasp. I spun around to look at what had surprised her-

"Darling! Hello! I was just passing by-quite by coincidence-and heard you had a date!"

Of course it was Rarity. She'd leaped out of a nearby flower bush, wearing Army-style camouflage. Fluttershy was quite off balance as it was, but this definitely threw her for a loop.

"W-W-Well yes, I d-do, but why were you-?"

"Never you mind that! We have so much to do! Let's get to work! Oh, this will be the most wonderful date you've ever been on! I'll make sure of it!" Rarity squealed. She backed Fluttershy into her cottage, and slammed the door shut behind her. I crossed my arms over my chest and shook my head.

"I think that mare needs to get laid," I muttered. I then shrugged and headed for home with a smile on my face.

I had a date this Faustday. I had to get ready.

Author's Note

First date is set up. Oh dear. How will things go? We'll see... We'll see.

First Date: Fluttershy Part 2

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

I stood in the mirror and looked myself over. I adjusted my tie, making sure it was perfectly arranged. I pulled too hard, sighed, and undid it. I rested my foot on the nearby toilet, and wrapped the tie around my thigh to retie it.

No matter what I tried, a simple knot was just not enough. Guess I'd have to go for the Full Windsor.

I heard a rumble outside my window, and I looked up. There was Chewie, a questioning expression on his hairy face. I sighed and shook my head.

"I can't play right now Chewie," I said.

Chewie growled, sounding annoyed. I rolled my eyes.

"Okay fine, I can't spar to become a greater warrior tonight," I sighed, exasperated. Manticores and their codes of honor. "It's really just semantics, you know!"

Yes, I could understand my manticore friend. No, I don't know how I could. Twilight had done everything short of drilling into my head for a brain sample to learn how. Me? I just left it to the fact we were both kindred spirits and the crazy magic in this world decided that meant we understood eachother.

Because friendship is magic.

Hey, Pinkie Pie approved. She is the authority on weirdness, after all. And if Pinkthulhu thinks it's logical, are you going to argue with her?

I didn't think so.

Chewie growled a question. I sighed.

"I have a date tonight," I explained. Chewie raised his brows. "It's with Fluttershy."

Chewie nodded approvingly. He rumbled something positive about Fluttershy, and I nodded in turn.

"Yeah, I like her a lot too," I said. "I'm just..." I looked down at the floor. "It's been a while, you know? And the last woman I felt like this for... She broke my heart."

Chewie hissed, then cocked his head quizzically. I shook my head.

"No, I don't think Fluttershy is like that."

Chewie grumbled. I finished tying my tie, and slipped it off my leg. I pulled it over my head, and arranged it under my collar. I tightened it up, and nodded in approval at how it looked before I answered his question.

"When you think too much, you think too much about everything," I explained. "And you overanalyze things. To the point you can make yourself miserable."

Chewie hummed, then snarled. I laughed, and nodded.

"Yeah, I agree: It is stupid," I said with a smile at him. "So... Any more advice?"

Chewie barked something very... Descriptive. I rubbed the back of my head.

"Just pounce on her and mate her until she loses her mind and carries my offspring?"

Chewie nodded, smiling like that was something that was perfectly normal to suggest for a first date.

Probably was for a manticore.

"Er... I'll save that for the third date, buddy," I said, barely managing to keep a blush off my face.

Chewie shook his head and grumbled in exasperation about hominids and equines. I sighed.

"Fine. You can help. But just help a little, okay?"

Chewie growled something.

"Of course I wouldn't make you watch!"

Geez. Some monsters, huh?

I walked up to Fluttershy's cottage, trying very hard to ignore all the knowing grins and curious looks I got from the locals. It was pretty much impossible to keep a secret for long in a town as small as Ponyville. And even more impossible to stop the rumor mill.

Berry Punch, leaning against a post, lifted up a bottle of something and winked.

"Rut her good and hard, Shepherd!" She bellowed, and many an onlooker either laughed or very painfully tried to look like they weren't paying attention. I sucked in a deep breath and nodded.

"Sure thing," I replied evenly. One of the Flower Sisters squealed and galloped off, no doubt to spread the news. I sighed and kept walking.

A small cloud was soon following me, with hints of a rainbow colored mane peeking up above it every so often. I managed to avoid rolling my eyes.

Just ignore it. It's only natural for her to keep an eye on her best friend's date, I reasoned silently.

I made it to the cottage path, and made sure the chocolate covered flowers were still in the bouquet. I'd gotten an arrangement of cornflowers, flax, hedgeapple, hyacinth, phlox, and roses, all coated with chocolate. I stepped over a cardboard box that was labeled in crayon "No Pinkie Pie Under Here". I got up to the door, and knocked on it. I stepped back and rested the bouquet behind my back, just waiting.

I could hear activity on the inside. Then, the door slowly opened. Angel Bunny walked up, wearing a tiny bow tie. He was smiling almost viciously, as he held out his tiny paws in presentation.

There was a soft clip clop, and Fluttershy trotted up to the door.

"H-Hello Shepherd," she said softly, her smile warm and gentle. "Um... How do I look?"

Now, look. I'm still not entirely comfortable with quadrapeds as potential romantic partners and it's going to take some time for that to happen. And even then, I think I may ask for some transformation spells if we decide to go further. It was good to know magic users.

But I couldn't think of anything remotely like that. The green dress Fluttershy wore was like a blend of leaves and butterfly wings that artfully showed off her best assets, and her pink hair was done up in an elaborate hairstyle that perfectly framed her gorgeous eyes.

I was speechless. Angel gave me a glare, and I cleared my throat.

"You look beautiful," I said earnestly. She blushed, and shyly looked at the ground.

"Um... Y-You too," she said.

We both heard Rarity squeal somewhere in the bushes nearby. And we both decided to ignore it. I held out the bouquet, and she gasped in surprise.

"Oh my! Oh, th-thank you," she squeaked. She was blushing very, very hard as she studied the bouquet. "I um... I really... Oh... Um..."

"Do you like the bouquet?" I asked, immediately concerned. She looked up at me, barely able to meet my eyes.

"Oh no, they're... They're some of my favorites," she admitted. "But um... Um..."

"Roseluck told me it was supposed to convey my feelings," I said. "Though I don't know much about floriography."

I hadn't even known that word until the flower mare had told me. And she'd been grinning deviously the entire time she had been putting the flowers together-Maybe they had a message that I wasn't getting but Fluttershy was getting loud and clear?

"Does it mean anything... Bad?" I asked.

Fluttershy blushed harder... And then immediately wolfed down the flowers, swallowing them fast.

"N-No! No, not bad! Not bad at all!" Fluttershy insisted in between messy, frantic bites. "Not bad! It's good! I mean um, it's bad... Naughty...!"

We could both hear another squeal from nearby, and a gasp from the not at all inconspicuous cloud overhead. She finished the bouquet, and took deep breaths. She was trying to regain her composure. I knelt down.

"You've got some on your face," I said. I pulled out a handkerchief and wiped it off her mouth, which just made her blush brighter. Even so, she stood her ground.

"S-So... Um... Let's go!" She squeaked. "If-If that's okay with you?"

"Works for me," I smiled. We headed out into town, bumping up against eachother as we walked close. I stopped her before we got to the gate, and held it open for her. She smiled and nodded, and trotted out ahead of me.

My eyes went to her rump, thanks to the insidious design of Rarity's dress. I sucked in a deep breath as my own cheeks turned red.

Okay... So maybe Chewie's advice had some merit after all.

Fluttershy was already looking very nervous as we trotted down the main boulevard of Ponyville. She got closer to me, shying away from the eyes, smiles and whispers already carrying faintly through the air. And Rainbow Dash was already following us from behind a cloud, Rarity and Twilight were sneaking badly from hiding place to hiding place, and Pinkie Pie was scooting along under her box. I kept walking along, my hand gently drifting down to rest on her back. We made our way to Gustav's restaurant, but she paused right outside the doors.

"Um... Sh-Shepherd? I um... I'm not sure about this..."

She was pawing at the ground, her breathing a little faster. I gave her a warm smile, and winked.

"Trust me," I said. I reached down and scratched the back of her neck. She crooned softly, and nodded. We stepped into the restaurant, where Gustav was already waiting for us. He gave a smile, and a bow.

"Lady Fluttershy, Ser Shepherd! Welcome, welcome!" He cried. Maybe it was the translator magic doing its level best, but he sounded like an over the top French chef. Which was rather funny, given he was a griffin in a chef's outfit and outrageously long, curly mustache. "Come right zis way, please! Come, come!"

We followed the exuberant griffin through the restaurant, the eyes of many patrons on us as many conversations ceased. Fluttershy was already wincing, but she kept on going. I kept my hand against her though, guiding her through as we stepped lightly through the dining area. Gustav led us to the door to the kitchen, and we followed.

Clouds of steam, loud squawks of griffin language, and ponies trotting about greeted us. Gustav navigated through it like a pro, us barely able to keep up. He yelled a few orders to the chefs as we passed:

"Cloudy, more pepper! Groovy, use yellow carrots, not the orange ones! Flat, pay attention to the cream's consistency!"

He shook his head despairingly as he led us to the back door. He opened it up, and we followed him back into the growing night. Crickets were already chirping and the stars twinkled overhead. He turned to us both, and rummaged in his chef's jacket. He produced a scroll, and handed it to me.

"Since you are seeing my cousin anyway, give him zis," Gustav said. "And if at all possible, will you bring back his reply?"

"Not a problem," I said with a smile. Fluttershy looked up, her eyes wide, as Chewie flew in and landed before us. He gave a happy little growl and knelt down. I smiled and gestured to his back.

"Ladies first!" I said. Fluttershy blushed.

"Um, Shepherd? Where are we going?" She asked, hesitating just a bit.

"Gustav's cousin has a restaurant in Canterlot," I explained, "with private booths. A friend of mine made us a reservation, and Chewie's giving us a lift!"

The big manticore nodded and growled. Fluttershy blushed deeply.

"Oh... You didn't have to-"

"I wanted to though," I said urgently, squeezing her hooves in my hands. She beamed, and gracefully mounted the manticore's back. I got on after, wrapping my arms tightly around her from behind. Sure, she could fly, but it felt nice.

"Remember you two! I want to see his reply! And you eat at my restaurant next time!" Gustav ordered. I chuckled and nodded.

"Not a problem, Gustav. Chewie! Punch it!"

Chewie growled his assent, and he took off like a shot. We both held on tightly, as I let out a quiet whoop of excitement.

"I do feel kind of bad for tricking them," Fluttershy murmured.

"You mean the other girls who would just spy on our date?" I asked. Fluttershy nodded. "I know. Me too. But this should be our night, not theirs." I sighed. "I just hope Gustav's little ploy works."

"What is his ploy?" Fluttershy asked.

Back at the Restaurant...

Gustav checked in on the private room Shepherd and Fluttershy were supposed to have been in... Where two of his waiters were holding up puppets to the sheet-covered window. A strong light cast the shadows of the puppets against the sheet, allowing anyone outside to believe that a few fruits and vegetables on kabob sticks were actually the human and the pegasus.

"How's it going?" Gustav asked. One of the waiters hummed.

"Let's find out," he murmured back. He tilted the head of lettuce with cherries, grapes, mango slices and other accouterments sculpted to resemble Shepherd's head forward. to plant a kiss on the cantaloupe, spinach leaves, celery sticks and olives made up to resemble Fluttershy's head. Several gasps could be heard from outside. Gustav nodded.

"Magnifique!" He cried.

"I hope it works," Fluttershy murmured. I gave her a wide smile. The darkness of the woods was stretched out before us, as the glittering lights of Canterlot shone in the distance. It was a beacon, guiding our way, as Chewie kept his wing beats smooth and steady.

"I think it will. There's no need to be concerned, Fluttershy. Let's just have a nice night out."

"I know. I'm trying," Fluttershy admitted. "I guess... I mean... I've never been on a date before."

She looked up at me.

"How do I know if it's any good at the end?" She blushed deeply. "I-I mean... Aside from... Ah..."

I shrugged. "Well," I admitted, "this is my first date in a long, long time. So, why don't we just take it easy?"

"Ah," Fluttershy murmured against the rushing wind, "then can you... I mean... Will you... Lead?"

I gave her a beam.

"Don't worry... I can show you the world..."

Oh hell. The musical thing still affected us up here?! Yup, the orchestra was swelling in the background. I winced and tried very hard to stop it...!

"Shining, shimmering, splendid~! Ow!"

I tried punching myself in the side of the head. Nope, the music was still going.

"Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide~?"

Damnit damnit damnit! Not a Disney song! Couldn't I have been singing something more butch?!

Fluttershy though was smiling. I had to admit, that was a gorgeous smile. I mentally sighed.

Fine Equestria. You win this round.

"I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us "No"
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming~!"

At least I can sing lower than Brad Kane...

First Date: Fluttershy Part 3

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

Chewie flew down into Canterlot, Fluttershy up alongside me. Thank God the song had ended. I mean, I love Aladdin. The actual Aladdin, not the shitty live action remake. Not that I have anything against Will Smith, but everything else sucked.

Why do I have such strong memories of that terrible movie rather than something more useful, like Ulysses or Moby Dick or my calculus classes?

Anyway, the point is, creepy magic making me sing Disney songs is disturbing. It was only thanks to the fact Fluttershy was cuddled up to me, a nice, cuddly pony, that kept me from being too pissed off.

"The roof please Chewie," I said, "you'd scare everyone."

Chewie grumbled in irritation. I sighed and patted his shaggy head.

"I know, I know. Look, just don't eat any ponies or their pets and Fluttershy will get you a seal." I looked over at her. She beamed at me.

"An elephant seal! He recently died so he's aged up properly," Fluttershy said. Chewie growled in thought, then nodded as he angled in for the rooftop of Gordon's restaurant. He came to a smooth landing, and I slid down. Fluttershy came down after me, as I caught her. She blushed deeply and clung to me tightly. Chewie growled a question, and I shook my head.

"If we need you, we'll call," I said. "I promise."

Chewie huffed, and settled down like a cat on the rooftop. He rested his chin on his paws, still grumbling. I scratched behind his ears, and he seemed much less aggravated. Fluttershy nodded happily at my actions, and I smiled back.

We headed to the fire escape, and walked down it. We reached street level and walked around to the entrance. A door pony nodded and smiled as he ushered us in.

The inside was sleek and modern, all flat and based on platonic solids. The kitchen was visible through glass, and ponies and griffins worked hard to prepare meals. The floor of the restaurant was flat, cube shaped tables holding hundreds of ponies animatedly talking and eating. A griffin with blonde feathers was waiting for us in the lobby, dressed in a white chef's coat. He gave us a warm smile, and clasped his claws together.

"Ah, Sir Shepherd and Lady Fluttershy! It's a pleasure!" He said in a rough, Received Pronunciation English accent. "Welcome to La Noisette!" He turned to his waiter, breathing hard. "Get them the private table!"

"Yes sir," the pony waiter said, holding up a hoof in a salute. Gordon's brows twitched. The waiter turned to us, and gestured to his right. "This way, please."

We followed the pony waiter to several plain cubicles underneath the magical lighting. The door slid open, and we went in. There was a circular table in the center, with two ergonomic chairs. Cube shaped lanterns floated overhead, casting the cubicle in warm candle-like light. I pulled a chair out for Fluttershy, and she sat down. I then settled into the opposing chair, as the waiter bowed. Gordon brought some water in glasses with a pitcher, which he set in the center of the table. A pair of menus were hoofed to us, and we both took a look at them. Thankfully it was in English... Or Equish. I don't know, the translator spell is weird.

"I'll handle these two, Green Field," Gordon said.

"Yes sir," Green Field replied, nodding. He backed out of the private cube, as Gordon looked at us with a happy smile on his beak.

Yeah, I didn't know how that worked either.

"So, what can I start you off with?" He asked.

"Um," Fluttershy began, "I would like, uh... The fried brussel sprouts?"

"That sounds good," I said. "I'll take that too. With the aioli."

"Excellent, excellent," Gordon said cheerfully. His brows twitched severely, and I could see a vein in his right eye. Fluttershy coughed gently, and our own eyes met. I nodded back to her, and cleared my throat.

"Uh... Gordon? Are you all right?" I asked.

"Just fine, why do you ask?"

The griffin's wings were now twitching. Fluttershy tapped her hooves together.

"Um, uh... You seem... A bit tense," she said diplomatically.

"Yeah," I said. "Honestly, you seem very similar to a chef back on my world. He's named Gordon too."

"Really?" Gordon asked, tilting his head quizzically. "What's he like?"

I opened my mouth to say some kind of platitude, but at his latest eye twitch I decided against it.

"He's incredibly talented and passionate, and very angry, acerbic, and swears like a sailor," I explained. Gordon sighed, his wings drooping.

"Oh, that was me too," he admitted. He puffed up proudly. "Once, I could curse up a storm! My apprentices feared me! I used to say stuff like 'This fooking salad is so dry it may as well have been made of straw!'"

The griffin then sagged again.

"But I got a bad review from some noble, and so I had to tone down the 'verbal violence'," he explained. He grinned, unnaturally wide. "It's okay though! I got me customers back! Everything's fine!"

His claws were digging into the table. Fluttershy coughed. I reached out to try and shield her.

"I see," Fluttershy said gently. "I'm very sorry about that."

"I'll be okay," Gordon twitched. "Now... Would you like to see the wine list?"

"Please," I said urgently. The griffin turned and headed out, the door sliding shut behind him. I pulled back from Fluttershy, who was blushing deeply. I smiled at her, and she awkwardly smiled back.

"So," I began, "um... We haven't had a lot of times to ourselves to just talk, have we?"

"No," Fluttershy admitted. "We've been so busy saving the world and fighting evil and doing, um, charity work."

"Which is pretty cool," I replied. Fluttershy nodded.

"So, um," she began. "How did you get to know... Such a famous chef?"

"I made friends with a Prince," I said. "He's pretty chill, actually."

Fluttershy smiled. "He sounds nice," she said.

"He is," I admitted, "if a bit stuck up. He's kind of like Rarity as a stallion. But prissier."

Fluttershy giggled. "That's hard to imagine," she admitted.

"I don't have to," I deadpanned. We both laughed. The laughter faded away, and our gazes slowly drifted away from one another. I tried to think up something else to talk about, but I'd run through most of the subjects I'd thought of.

The silence dragged on. I blinked a few times and cleared my throat. Fluttershy looked over to the side, tapping her hooves together.

I smiled at her, and she smiled back.

"So," I began, "um... Your dress is very nice."

"Ah, thank you," Fluttershy replied softly, "Rarity fixed up a dress I wore for modeling."

"That's good," I replied with a nod.

The silence returned. Fluttershy was tapping her hooves together more, as she shrank in on herself a bit more. She began muttering to herself softly. I blinked a few times. She rubbed her hooves together anxiously.

"So," I tried again, "how well did you like modeling?"

"I... Um..." Fluttershy slowly shook her head. "I didn't like it. At all. To be honest, um, I really hated it." She trembled a bit. "I mean, it meant so much to Rarity so I stuck with it, but I just couldn't handle all of the attention."

"Oh," I said with a nod. "That's why I got us a private booth. So you wouldn't feel so awkward."

Fluttershy nodded back. "Oh thank you," she replied. "That was very thoughtful."

I licked my lips. "But is it working?" I asked.

Fluttershy hummed.

"Um... Well, it is. Mostly," she said. "I-I mean, I'm not thinking about all of the eyes outside. Right now. Looking at us," she said. She winced.

"Now I am," she mumbled. She looked down at the table.

Well great, now I felt like a heel. I had assumed Fluttershy would be fine in a nice, private booth. I knew how averse she was to crowds. I just thought this would work.

"I'm sorry," I said. She winced.

"No no, I'm sorry. I used up my conversation points early, and now I can't remember the rest of them."

Three guesses who had provided those conversation points, and the first two don't count. Well, maybe I could still fix things.

"It's okay," I said quickly,"it's okay, we can just talk about other things. Like, what interesting animals have you seen in the Everfree Forest lately?"

Fluttershy managed to relax a bit.

"Oh. Well, I did see a flan," she said. "They're gelatinous omnivores that are related to slime molds. Only much bigger, and they have eyes and mouths."

"A flan huh?" I asked, grinning. "That sounds... Kind of horrifying, actually."

"Oh, they can be," Fluttershy said, her shoulders sinking just a bit lower as her tension faded. "But they're actually very sweet when they're not hungry. You just need salt to keep them away."

"That's useful to know," I said with a nod.

"Also, they can't move very fast," Fluttershy went on, positively animated now. "They're ambush and trap predators. You have to watch your step where they lurk."

"Well, this is why I ride Chewie in the Everfree Forest," I said with a grin. "Say, he doesn't hate that, does he? I've asked him but he never answers directly."

Fluttershy shook her head.

"Oh no. You're battle brothers. If you're not fast enough, you will be carried. You're a team, after all," she said.

I was leaning forward, and I rested my hands on her hooves. She started, blushing cutely. Then she looked up at me, and smiled warmly. I returned it. The tension was dissipating even more.

"I'm glad to know that," I said. I raised an eyebrow. "So, how are you feeling now?"

Fluttershy started. She looked around us, and beamed.

"I... I'm feeling a lot better, actually," she admitted. "Is that all... Is that all a date is? Just talking?"

I nodded.

"Yeah," I said. "What did you think we were going to do?"

Fluttershy blushed bright red, from her hooves to the top of her head. She had gone as still as a statue. I coughed, and shook my head.

"I mean, I didn't mean we'd jump right to that," I said earnestly. "We don't have to! Not that I don't want to..."

I think. I mean, I didn't think I was quite ready for rishathra. I just didn't want Fluttershy to think it was still difficult for me. I mean, I still wanted my women to have boobs on their chest. Mostly. Okay, this isn't a helpful direction to think in, is it? Stupid brain.

Fluttershy mumbled something under her breath. I blinked.

"Huh?" I asked.

A camera flash went off above us. I winced and looked up-Into another barrage of camera flashes.

"GAH!" I shouted, covering my eyes. "WHAT IN THE-?!"

"What a scoop!" A stallion cried. My vision cleared enough to make out several pegasi with cameras over us. "Supermodel and Element of Kindess Fluttershy on a date with Shepherd the Human Knight!"

"Oh, um, if you could, I mean, please don't, I mean," Fluttershy began to stutter, as she drew back in on herself. Another pegasus dropped down, holding out a microphone.

"Are you two engaged? How will the other Elements feel about this? Or is it a herd?" He cried. I sucked in a deep breath. Stay calm, stay calm... Don't let Fluttershy cuddling up tightly to me out of fear affect my judgement.

"Are you lovers?!" He further pressed, ramming his microphone into my nose. I covered my nose and groaned.

"OW! All right you son of a-!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM!" Fluttershy bellowed, flipping the table up and sending the pegasus paparazzo slamming through the double doors of the booth. He tumbled out into the main dining area. My anger was temporarily forgotten as I watched the chain reaction. The pegasus slammed into a waiter with a full platter, sending all of his dishes flying through the air and landing in the faces of dozens of diners. One diner, a unicorn in a fancy frock coat, immediately waved his hooves and sent his own food flying into the faces and laps of other customers. One noble pony stood up in fury, slamming his hooves on the table.

"Now see here-!" He shouted, just before a lemon meringue splatted him. A noble unicorn lady wiped her face free of custard and growled.

"You dare to throw a custard in my face?! TAKE THAT!"

"FOOD FIGHT!" Shouted someone else. The entire dining area descended into a furious culinary conflagration.

I saw Gordon emerge from the kitchen, looking aghast.

"Wait, wait, see here!" He shouted. "You all need to stop this! Stop it right bloody now!"

A plate of spaghetti landed on his head. He blinked a few times, and licked the sauce. His eyes burned with unholy rage.

"YOU BLOODY USED TOO MUCH BLOODY GINGER YOU PILLOCK!" He roared.

He seized upon a smaller griffin with a cart full of pies and desserts. He had been trying to find shelter in the kitchen, but Gordon had captured him. He turned to the chaos, and held up pies in his wings and claws.

"YOU BLOODY BASTICHES! YOU CALL THAT PIE FLINGIN'?!" Gordon bellowed. "TRY THESE ON FOR SIZE, YOU PANSIES!"

He began pelting his diners and waiters with pies. I blinked and looked over at the trembling Fluttershy. I gathered her up in my arms and charged out into the fray!

"WAIT!" Another paparazzo cried, "what kind of pies do you prefer for a food fight?!"

I ducked under a flung fettuccine, and grabbed a chocolate cream pie. I tossed it into the face of the paparazzo, sending him reeling back.

"Whatever's handy!" I bellowed. I charged out the front doors of the restaurant, followed by flying pies and cakes. Fluttershy trembled, and looked up at me with teary eyes.

"I'm... I'm so sorry," she mumbled.

I sighed.

"Me too," I mumbled back.

Author's Note

Sorry that it's so short... And cliched. More will be on the way soon.

First Date: Fluttershy Part 4

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

"Chewie?! CHEWIE!" I shouted. "CHEWIIIIEEE!"

It figured that he wouldn't come when this happened. He was probably asleep right now. Freaking giant cat bat scorpion things.

We were hiding in the nearby alley, our clothing in tatters and covered in food. I sighed as I sat down on a crate next to Fluttershy. She was looking down at her hooves, her withers down about as far as they would go. I sighed and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. She stiffened and didn't draw closer.

"I'm sorry," I sighed.

"N-No, no, I'm sorry!" Fluttershy replied quickly, actually managing to look up at my chin. "I-I just couldn't handle it... I'm so sorry! I always-always ruin things!" She sniffled, big fat tears rolling down her nose. Oh geez, that was the limit. I hugged her tightly and pulled her in against me. She actually tried to pull away but I tightened my grip.

"No you don't," I muttered. "Look, it's not your fault they decided to be assholes!"

"But-But I could have handled that a lot better," Fluttershy mumbled. "I could have not freaked out-You just did so much for me-I'm so sorry-!"

"No! No, look, it's all right!" I insisted. "Well, okay, it's not all right, but it isn't your fault!"

I stroked her mane and back, trying to calm her down. I nuzzled the top of her head and kissed it. She was still crying-Damnit...

"I'm so sorry," Fluttershy sobbed. I sighed and cuddled her harder, nuzzling between her ears. I didn't know what else to do.

"O-Ohhhh..." She moaned. "I'm so sorry~... So sorry..."

"SER SHEPHERD! LADY FLUTTERSHY!"

"GAH!" I shouted. Fluttershy eeped and held onto me for dear life. We looked over at the now open side door. Gordon Griffin was standing in it, covered in the remnants of a pie or ten. I coughed and held up my hands.

"Listen," I stated, "I know things went pretty bad in there. I'm sure your insurance can work it out!"

"I'm so sorryyy," Fluttershy murmured. "I-I was trying so hard to be controlled! To-To be demure! I didn't mean to!"

"Now now, relax you two," Gordon said with a big, toothy grin. Which was quite the trick on a beak. Maybe it was a Ducktales kind of thing?

"This is relaxed," I managed, as Fluttershy clung tighter to me. Gordon shook his head.

"No, this is the most fun I've had at this bloody establishment since I opened it!" The griffin said cheerfully. "A real knock down, drag out food fight! Showing me how good for ammunition my food was, but no good for eating!"

The griffin threw his claws up into the air in exultation.

"I've never felt more bucking alive!" He bellowed.

"But-But the food fight-won't your-if it's okay to say-won't your customers be unhappy?" Fluttershy asked. Gordon laughed, and gestured for us to walk up to the side door. I stood up, and carried Fluttershy with me. We leaned over and looked inside.

The paparazzi were being pelted by food thrown by the patrons. The paparazzi were eating it up, and snapping photos eagerly. Gordon chuckled.

"I'm gonna sell out of frosting in no time!" He bragged.

"Still, what about the damages?" Fluttershy asked, worried. Gordon just grinned, and held out a magic sound and image recording orb.

"That's pretty simple," he said with a grin. "All I need is a little advertisement from two heroes of Equestria, and we're square. Savvy?"

We looked at each other. I sighed. and smiled at Fluttershy. She smiled brightly back at me, and it melted my heart. I looked back at Gordon, and sighed softly.

"This is Ser Shepherd, and this is my favorite restaurant in Canterlot," I said with a smile.

"Um, this is Lady Fluttershy, and I, um, really like this restaurant too. So go and eat here. Um. If you're hungry," Fluttershy managed softly. I stroked her mane. "And um, Shepherd is mine. My coltfriend. I am friends with a dragon and an army of bears."

"Maybe a little too much," I said gently to Fluttershy. Fluttershy flushed.

"I'm sorry, I'm all over the place right now," she murmured. "I don't know if I'll jump you or break someone's nose!"

I hugged her tighter, sighing again. Gordon smirked at me. I glared at him.

"You did shut that off, right?"

"Now I have," Gordon said with a grin.

"Hoof it over. Now," Fluttershy growled. Gordon coughed, and handed the recording orb over. I took it in my hand.

"We'll record a nice advertisement for you," I said gently.

"Sounds good to me," he said with a quick nod. "I better get back into the kitchen! Have a pleasant evening!" He ducked back in. Fluttershy winced.

"I overdid it again, didn't I?" She murmured. I nuzzled her with a chuckle.

"I think you're just fine," I said. Fluttershy beamed.

We left the restaurant for the streets of Canterlot, which were still active and bustling in the late moon light. We got some funny looks from a few ponies, but they seemed to give us little attention besides some brief curiosity.

Sheesh, how jaded were these ponies? Then again, maybe they just thought I was a shaved minotaur.

We found a little donut shop near the palace, and slipped into a booth near the back. The proprietor trotted up, a smile on his worn face.

"Ser Shepherd! It's been a while since I last saw you," he said kindly, tipping his paper hat. "What can I get you two?"

"Just some donuts," I said. "And your best hot chocolate, if you please, Joe."

"Coming right up," he said cheerfully. He headed off to the back of the bar, leaving Fluttershy and I alone again. I looked at her, and she looked at me.

"I... Um... This isn't how I thought this would end," Fluttershy admitted. I shook my head.

"Me either," I replied. "If I'm honest, I had no idea how this would end."

"If... If I'm being honest too," Fluttershy began, "um..."

She looked down and took deep breaths. She looked up at me, her eyes locked onto mine. It was the same look she'd worn whenever she had mustered up her courage to do something important. It was a look that I had to admit, I liked a lot.

"... I'm in love with you," Fluttershy confessed softly. I blinked several times, feeling shocked.

I mean... I knew. Or suspected. Just to hear her say that though... It was like the world suddenly came into sharp focus.

Fluttershy just kept talking, and I hung onto every word.

"I'm so scared of anything that's not an-an animal. Ponies just... There are all these strange rules and strange customs I need to remember. All these eyes that judge me and look at me and see... See things that aren't there," she murmured quickly, as though afraid her courage might fly away at any moment. "Animals are so much easier to read. They... They don't hide things. They judge you based on the most practical things. Things I can understand perfectly."

Fluttershy pulled her wings in tightly against her, and narrowed her eyes in determination.

"I was content with that, for the longest time. Just having friends I could understand perfectly, and a few pony friends who understood me... And I understood just a little. Just enough." She shook her head.

"Then... I-I met you. You were so... Different. But familiar. So alone. An animal who thought like ponies, but wasn't a pony. A predator, but so... So kind."

She leaned forward with her sad, gentle smile.

"I guess... Maybe... I mean, maybe it's-it's a little creepy. I watched you sleep while you were recovering, and um, I'm sorry. I know it's weird but I... I saw how you moved. I saw how your face changed in your sleep. I got to know your tells and I just..." She tapped her hooves together awkwardly. "I saw so much about you I... I liked."

Part of me wanted to interrupt her, but I held my tongue. It was taking everything she had to go through with this, I couldn't interrupt her. I wouldn't.

"Then you went away, and came back... You could never get home again. You were... You were alone. So many ponies saw you as a threat, or a monster. You just kept going though. You went out every day, head held high. You worked for a living, you got a house, you... You helped others. You tried to protect us from danger. You-You played with foals and helped me... I-I-I just..." She trembled, and looked down at her hooves.

"I've never felt like this before. For anypony," she finished. "That-That's why I act... Crazy. Sometimes. A lot. I'm sorry... I feel so terrible."

I was silent. She looked harder at her hooves, tears peeking at the corners of her eyes. Come on, you idiot, say something! Do something!

I reached out and rested my hands over her hooves. I squeezed them tightly, and leaned forward. She looked up in shock. I leaned down and nuzzled her nose. Her face turned bright red, even through her fur.

"I care about you too, Fluttershy," I murmured. "I love you too. Deeply. I mean, you were the first thing to show me any kindness in this crazy world. You kept showing me that kindness, no matter what."

I took a deep breath, and held it. I counted as I let the breath out, slowly.

"I'm no good at this love stuff either," I admitted. "So I don't know how we'll proceed. Especially since-"

"Since the others who like you are my fri-friends too," Fluttershy said. She nodded. "I know. I... That's another reason I'm scared. Equestria depends on us for protection. Depends on our friendship, and if we don't feel friendship for eachother we-It won't work. All of us care for you deeply and if you choose just one-We might-We might-!"

I squeezed her hooves between my hands, and gave her a warm smile. She really was the Element of Kindness, thinking about this kind of thing. More than that, to think about that...

No wonder Celestia saw the potential for Princesshood in each of them.

"I know," I said softly. "That's been my worry too. I mean, I'm supposed to protect you all. If I'm breaking up your friendship, then I'm not doing a good job, am I?"

Fluttershy nodded. "Y-Yes..."

"I think," I began, "whatever we decide... We do it together. We stay open and-and honest. With everypony."

Fluttershy nodded back to me, looking less worried already. My smile became a bit crooked.

"After all," I said, "I'm a Knight of Equestria. It's my job to protect fair maidens and ladies. To be an example of chivalry."

Fluttershy's eyes sparkled. She then giggled softly. I blinked at her in shock.

"Uh?" I asked.

"Just then," Fluttershy whispered, "you looked... You sounded like one of my Nipponese manga characters. A noble warrior."

I shrugged back and smiled.

"Well, I read a lot of that back home, too. I guess... I wanted to be a hero. Like those guys. Like my dad," I said.

"Me too," Fluttershy said gently. "I wanted to be a hero. To always be brave, and daring. Or to have a knight who would fight for me." She blushed. "It's easy to be brave when-when someone I care about is in trouble."

I nodded back to her.

"Well," I said, "if you're brave for me. I think I can be brave for you."

Fluttershy smiled back warmly.

"I... I think I can do that," she said.

The window nearby shattered, and a huge group of mares tumbled into the booth behind us. Twilight's head popped up over the booth seat and glared at me.

"That wasn't funny," Twilight pointed out.

Pinkie's head popped out alongside her with a grin.

"I thought it was funny!" She cried. She held up a crude approximation of my head made of fruit and pastries. "And tasty!"

She opened her mouth and swallowed it all down with gusto.

"Om nom nom! Delicious and deceptive!" Pinkie cried.

Dash finally got untangled from Rarity, who joined her in looking over the booth. Rarity beamed.

"How did it go?! Oh dear! Your dress is ruined! Did you do this, Shepherd? How could you?!" Rarity demanded.

Dash snorted.

"Damnit Fluttershy! I let you have this because you're my best friend and all! But if you're just going to end it eating donuts and crying, that's so lame!" She looked over at me. "Of course, we could just skip to my date and we can have some real fun!"

"So thirsty," Rarity chuckled, covering her mouth with her hoof. Dash blushed.

"I AM NOT!"

"Wait," I began, "where's Applejack?"

"She was clearly too honest to spy on your date," Rarity sniffed. "So full of moral fiber... So very dull."

"I'm going to have to do something nice for her," I sighed. I glared at the mares. "Now come on! We're all going on dates and you'll all get your fill of tasty gossip and romance."

"But I need to observe for scientific purposes!" Twilight protested.

"As do I!" Rarity cried.

"And I have to make sure I know how to knock your socks off!" Dash laughed.

I sighed, and looked at Pinkie. She just shrugged and smiled.

"Hey! At the very least, we didn't interfere in that food fight! You don't know how hard it was for me not to get in there!" She bent down and lashed out with her tongue, snagging a donut. "Mm! Sprinkles!"

"Well, um, I mean, if it's them," Fluttershy admitted, "I suppose it's not all bad."

I grumbled, and shook my head.

"Fine," I stated. "Just don't hold it against me if Chewie gets annoyed. Speaking of, where is he?" I glared out into the night.

Chewie landed in front of the window, growling angrily. The other customers immediately fled screaming, while Donut Joe just sighed and rolled his eyes. I glared at my 'battle buddy' in irritation.

"Well where were you?!" I shouted.

The big Manticore growled back. I shook my head.

"Princess Luna's guards chased you? Sheesh, we'll have to talk to her about that," I grumbled.

"Sorry about the window," Twilight said to Donut Joe, as he trotted with a platter of donuts and hot chocolate. He set it down on the table, and let it go. He sighed.

"Relax Miss Twilight. I got used to you doing these kinds of things when you were a student, I'm used to it now."

Twilight's horn lit up, and the window was whole once more. Chewie grunted in irritation. I took Fluttershy's hoof in my hand.

"I think the rest of the date can be spent flying home under the moon and stars," I said. I looked over at the rest of the mares and sighed. "Come on. We might as well all go home together. Knights gotta look after their ladies, after all."

"You certainly should," Rarity said with a smile and wink. "You can also look after Dash, despite her not even knowing the definition of lady."

"I so do!" Dash protested.

We flew back home, Chewie only protesting a little at the extra weight. He was a big guy, after all. I promised I'd make him some great barbecue for his hard work, and that seemed to settle him down.

The mares chattered softly behind me, and Fluttershy held onto me in silence. We both looked out at the majesty of the heavens above us.

So, yeah, this date was kind of a disaster. But it was also rather nice. At least once we got past all the bullshit. I was a stranger in this world, and in a lot of ways, so were these mares. Mares I had to protect. Somehow.

Did I have any idea of how to do that? No. All of a sudden, a lot more possibilities were weighing on my mind. A lot more risks to contemplate. I'd gone from a lost illegal alien to a knight of the realm. The fate of the world rested on the shoulders of these six mares, and I had to keep them safe too. From themselves, if I had to.

How did I do that? Where did I begin?

Fluttershy sighed, and snuggled up against me. I looked down into her peaceful face, and smiled.

Maybe it was as simple as being kind, and letting the rest attend to itself.

I guess we'd see.

Author's Note

And that's it for the first date. Onto more misadventures!

Fae

It was a bit windy this morning, so I had pulled on a jacket before heading to Fluttershy's cottage. She'd been concerned about the chicken coop, and so I decided to help reinforce it a bit with some timbers, nails, and baling wire. The chickens themselves were mostly huddled inside the coop, clucking and bawking at each other in distress over the strong wind buffeting their house. I rolled my eyes and grumbled a bit, hammering hard on the outside.

"Giant monsters don't get them worked up, but a little wind? Hmph!" I grumbled. I hammered a nail a bit harder, and they squawked in annoyance.

"Deal with it, snowflakes!" I shouted back. I shook my head and moved to the next spot, pulling up another plank of wood. I held it up against the side of the coop, thankful I'd measured and cut everything beforehand. Having to do measurements in this wind would have been a real pain.

I had just placed the nail, and raised my hammer, when something flew right into my face. It was big and had many legs and was screaming.

"AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

Which I soon did as well.

"AAAAHHHHHH!" I felt back and waved my hands frantically, trying to get the bug off my face! Holy crap it had huge eyes and wings and so many legs-Were there flying spiders in Equestria?! I couldn't remember!

"WAIT! DON'T HURT ME!" A tinny voice screamed. The thing managed to get off my face, and hovered above it. I could now resolve the image of the thing.

It was... Some kind of tiny, anorexic pony-thing with fairy wings.

My pupils expanded as the tiny thing smiled at me. It rested on my chest as my heart thumped furiously.

"That's better," the tiny thing said. "Hello! I'm sorry for running into you-My name is-"

Unbidden, a memory from when I'd first arrived in Equestria shot up into my brain.

Some time ago...

Turns out that Equestria had a secret organization dedicated to keeping dangerous things secured, contained, and protected. In order to ensure that ponies were safe. They were called S.M.I.L.E., and I only knew about them because many of their agents had been involved with studying and keeping tabs on me while I was at Canterlot Palace. Apparently, if they had thought I was truly a threat to Equestria or Equus, they would have locked me away in a place called "Tartarus", a supermax prison for horrible entities and also Hell.

Yeah, I'm still not sure about the theology of that. But hey, magic, right?

Because I was very cooperative though, I was allowed (with the escort of a few mares in skintight catsuits, masks and green goggles-lucky me, I guess) to wander around their archives deep under Canterlot itself. Mainly if I explained a few things they thought were potentially dangerous.

Spoiler warning? Most of these things... Weren't.

I opened up a locker in a very, very long line of lockers, while the three mares surrounded me. One was hanging from the ceiling for some reason, and was taking notes with her hooves. I examined the object inside, and pressed the activation button. It lit up, and wobbled a bit before turning off. I rolled my eyes.

"Hoverboard, circa... 2018 I think?" I said. The mare on the ceiling tilted her head.

"Hoverboard? But it doesn't hover!" She said. "I mean, it says that right on the side!"

"Yeah, it was very disappointing on my world, too," I replied dryly. "But it should be harmless, unless you try to ride it." I shut the locker, and scooted over to the next one. One of the other agents opened it, and I looked at it intently.

"... Call of Cthulhu RPG game," I deduced. I picked it up and turned it over in my hands. I shook the box-Yep, sounded like everything was there. I opened it up and looked through the contents-Nothing out of the ordinary, though it looked like it was an earlier edition.

All of the mare agents winced and drew back, eyeing the box suspiciously. Seriously, if they were this afraid of it, surely they would have put it somewhere more secure?

"It isn't a forbidden tome of arcane knowledge, meant to summon Eldritch abominations into our world to consume us all?" One of the mares asked. I shook my head.

"No. It may not even work with your world's magic system, or whatever. Just don't let it get near a chaos god or something," I advised, before replacing the items back in the box, closing it up, setting it back into the locker, and shutting the door. All three breathed a sigh of relief. I scooted over to the next locker, and the same agent as before opened it. I raised an eyebrow as I picked up a small book.

"How to Guard against the Fae?'" I read aloud, more of a question to my escorts. The one on the ceiling nodded furiously.

"Oh yeah! I remember that one! S.M.I.L.E.-224! It's the basis for our anti-fae protections!"

I blinked. "Wait, the fae are real here?" I asked.

One of the other agents scoffed.

"Well of course they are! You have them in your world too, right? Can shapeshift, can control you if they know your name, usually look like little, pretty versions of ponies but with insect wings, can't come in without an invite, vulnerable to cold iron..."

"Well they weren't real in my world! At least I don't think so," I muttered, studying the book.

"OF COURSE THEY'RE REAL!"

All four of us jumped and yelped. The mare on the ceiling fell into my arms and held onto me, shaking. I held back, shaking almost as much. An old, dark gray batpony stallion with graying mane and beard popped up from behind the lockers. He looked like he was chiseled out of marble, he was well muscled and strong. He had an eyepatch over one eye, and scars across his neck from a lifetime of service. His cutiemark was covered up by sleek, flexible and black battle armor, but there was a symbol on his buttocks: A white "X".

"Agent X!" The three mare agents cried, all suddenly scrambling to stand at attention. The one in my arms fell on her head before she got up, shakily, and saluted.

I let out a long suffering sigh as the agent trotted up to us.

"Thanks for the heart attack, Agent X," I grumbled. Agent X was suddenly in my face, glaring with the eyes that have seen thousands of nightmares brought to life. I gulped.

"Well better one now than out there, against a Fairy!" He hissed. "They play by a different set of rules, son! Different magic! They can twist time inside out and make you your own grandmama! Or make you sing and dance when you don't want to! Or even take your identity and eat your babies! I've seen it."

"You... You have?" I managed. Sure, Agent X was... Intense was the most polite way to put it. Batshit crazy seemed better.

Agent X nodded furiously.

"Of course! I was there when Oberon, King of the Fay, tried to establish his own court in Equestria! And that book right there, written by your people, is the only thing that saved us," he ground out. "Maybe your people have forgotten the fae, which can make you vulnerable. They'll use your ignorance. They'll use the fact victory has robbed you of the knowledge to defeat them! And then... Your babies will become crows!"

The three mare agents gasped in horror. I very slowly nodded.

"Okay... I'll take it seriously," I promised.

Hell, this was a world run by magic talking ponies. Their goddess queen could raise the sun and moon. Fae were not impossible here.

I wondered how much was.

Agent X snorted, and nodded.

"Good! Now put that back! It's time for shots!" He cried. "They're immune boosters! Or are now."

"Now?" I asked.

"They weren't before, but I made sure they were," Agent X growled, He turned and flew off. "They won't get me with flu virus again! Oh no they won't!"

I blinked. I blinked again. I looked at the mares, who all nodded as well.

"You can't be too careful," one of them said.

"Fair enough," I accepted. "By the way... What does S.M.I.L.E. actually stand for, anyway?"

"Secure, Monitor, Investigate, Locate, and Extract!"

"Securely Monitoring Invasive Lifeforms in their Entirety!"

" Secret Monster Intelligence League of Equestria!"

All three agents looked at one another. They quickly conversed rapidly in hushed voices, before looking back at me.

"It's classified!" They cried.

"... Okay," I said.

All of that flashed through my mind in an instant. The little thing just smiled at me kindly.

"Hey! Did you hear me?" It asked. "What's your name, friend?"

"GAAAAAHHHHH!"

Fluttershy came downstairs from doing some laundry to see Shepherd nailing every window and door to outside of her cottage shut. She blinked a few times as his loud hammering filled the cottage interior.

"Um... Shepherd? Is everything all right?" She asked.

Her human friend turned, breathing hard.

"All right? Yes! Perfectly fine!" He said quickly, and lying badly. Fluttershy blinked again.

"Um, are you sure? If you don't mind me saying so, you seem..." Panicked was too rude, "upset?"

He shook his head rapidly.

"No! No, I'm not upset! Not upset at all! By the way, you have any cold iron on you?" He asked, immediately going to my cabinets and rifling through them frantically. Fluttershy knew animal behavior and clearly, Shepherd was very agitated. She floated down to him, and approached cautiously.

"The upstairs bathtub is made of iron," she said carefully, "but I don't really understand-"

A tiny, winged form flew through one of Angel's many holes in the wall. It fluttered up to Fluttershy and waved with a big smile. Fluttershy smiled back-It was a Breezie!

"Oh my, hello there!" Fluttershy cooed. The Breezie beamed back.

"Hello there!" The Breezie cried in a tinny voice. "I'm Starbug! What's your name?"

Fluttershy's smile grew. It was so cute!

"Why, I'm Flutter-"

"NOOOOOOOO!"

Shepherd raced up, grabbed Fluttershy around her barrel, and picked her up. He threw several hoof files at the Breezie.

"Take that you baby stealing abomination! PLEASE AND THANK YOU!" He bellowed, and turned to race up the stairs.

"Oh my! Shepherd-That was-That was... Rude!" Fluttershy managed, utterly bewildered as Shepherd carried her into the bathroom of her small upstairs. He kicked open the door, set her down in the tub, slammed the door shut, locked the door, and put as many iron or metal objects as he could up against it. He then hopped into the tub, held her tightly, and hunkered down.

"I don't know how it got in, but keep quiet!" Shepherd hissed.

Fluttershy blinked, and blushed.

"Um... Why?" She managed.

"Because that's a fairy!" Shepherd hissed. "They're notoriously unpredictable magic beings that can turn reality upside down! If it knows your name it'll do horrible things to you!" He shook his head and cuddled Fluttershy tightly.

"We have to stay in here until it's gone!"

Fluttershy was going to open her mouth and explain that it wasn't a fairy, just a Breezie... Then she realized she was trapped in a tiny room with her crush who would cuddle her as long as she wanted.

"Um... If you say so," Fluttershy managed.

She did feel a bit badly about it... But then, she wasn't the Element of Honesty, was she?

Meanwhile, in S.M.I.L.E. Headquarters...

"Agent X? We were wondering... Is there a different between a Breezie and a Fairy?"

"Of course there is! Didn't you learn that in the Fae Hoofbook?!"

"Yes sir! It says Breezie Wings are like that of a butterfly's, while Fairy wings are like a dragonfly's."

"Yes-That's-Wait, that's entirely backwards! HOW MANY COPIES OF THAT BOOK WERE PRINTED OFF, JUNIOR AGENT?!"

"Eep! I-I don't know... All of them?!"

"How could I miss such an important detail?! All of Equestria is in danger! QUICK! TO THE ARMORY!"

"The armory sir?"

"We need to kill all these books! Clearly they were possessed by the Dyslexic Demon and must be cleansed with holy fire!"

"We could just recall them-"

"CLEANSE THEM WITH HOLY FIRE!"

"EEP! Y-YES SIR!"

Back in Fluttershy's cottage...

The Breezie Starbug blinked. Were all big creatures so strange?

Oh well. At least the things it had thrown at him were very shiny.

He was going to have a good time!

Author's Note

Just a fun interlude. Hope you enjoyed!

Princess' Gambit

Fishing at the lake was peaceful. Just letting my line out, the bobber floating in the relatively still waters, the sun overhead... And enough hard apple cider to keep me occupied and relaxed.

Yes, it was a good day for fishing. It would have been nice to have company, but Big Macintosh and the Doctor didn't eat meat, and Spike ate jewels. So none of them were very interested in coming along. I guess I couldn't fault them for that.

Not like I was catching much anyway. I sighed and leaned back in my chair, just letting all my strain fade away.

"Hello Andrew Shepherd," said a melodious voice quite near to my ear.

"HOLY FUCKING BALL SHIT PUS-!" I bellowed, trying to get up and grab a weapon and run away-All at the same time. Well, as anyone will tell you, multitasking in a panic is a fool's errand. I just ended up in a tangled mess, my folding chair atop my head as I laid over my cooler. I groaned, as I heard rather nervous but beautiful laughter behind me. A moment or two later, I saw a white face with beautiful eyes enter my vision, aurora-like hair billowing out from the back of her head.

"Oh dear, are you all right?" Princess Celestia asked.

Well, so much for my dignity. I sighed and stood up, carefully setting my chair back up. I then sat down in it, checking my fishing line, before I responded.

"I'm fine," I replied. I gave her an unamused expression, which just made her laugh again. "You planned that, didn't you Princess?"

"No, which is what makes it wonderful!" Celestia laughed. She beamed at me, and trotted over to my side. "Caught anything yet?"

"No," I sighed. "Not that that's the point."

"It isn't?" Celestia asked, tilting her head curiously. I nodded back.

"It isn't," I replied. It seems as though my brain finally caught up with my irritation and pointed out the obvious: I was speaking very informally to the ruler of this planet. Well, for all intents and purposes. I tensed up. "I mean, Your Highness-"

She held up a hoof, and rested the tip against my lips. She shook her head.

"None of that," she said gently. "I intruded upon you. You should act as you wish around me."

Her voice was as gentle as usual, but there was... A slight plea in her eyes? Or maybe I was seeing things. After all, she was over a thousand years old. She could have control over her facial expressions and voice I couldn't even dream of. And that's not even getting into magic-

Damnit stop it brain. You're relaxing. The princess is fine with you relaxing. Calm. Down.

I very slowly nodded. "As you wish," I said wryly. Celestia raised an elegant eyebrow.

"Is that a reference to something?" She asked. I scratched the back of my head.

Okay, perhaps my paranoia wasn't unwarranted. Perhaps she could read my mind, much like her sister. Perhaps-

No! No, stop that.

"Yes, actually," I replied. "It's a book and a movie from my world called The Princess Bride..."

I explained the basics of the plot, and the characters. As well as many of the jokes. Some she got (like the iocane powder gambit), some she struggled with ("Have fun storming da castle!") and one I needed to actually act out with her.

I had picked up my stick, and thrust with it at her.

"You are wonderful," I said, focusing to remember the scene. I pulled on my bandana, and stepped onto the other side, pointing back at where I had been as I focused on remembering Dread Pirate Robert's part.

"Thank you; I've worked hard to become so," I stated. I thrust and slashed with my invisible Inigo Montoya, before I pulled off the banana and switched back.

"I admit it, you are better than I am!"

Again, I switched.

"Then why are you smiling?"

I made sure I was smiling back at the princess, who watched raptly.

"Because I know something you don't know," Inigo said.

"And what is that?" Myself as Roberts asked.

"I am not left-handed!" I tossed the stick to my right hand, and furiously swung at the invisible Roberts. Who I made visible a moment later as I switched back to him.

"You are amazing!" Myself as Roberts complimented myself as Montoya.

"I ought to be, after 20 years!" Myself as Montoya replied.

"Oh, there's something I ought to tell you," myself as Roberts said.

"Tell me!" I cried as Montoya.

"I'm not left-handed either!" Myself as Roberts said, as I switched to the right hand and thrust violently. I pulled off the bandana, as the princess clopped her hooves happily.

"Splendid!" She cried. She was smiling in a way that seemed more natural-Her eyes were crinkled, there were dimples on her furry cheeks, and she was showing off her teeth. "Splendid!"

I gave a cheesy little bow.

"Thank you, Princess," I said with a gallant flourish, "but I'm really nothing compared to the actual actors." I sighed as I walked back over to my chair, and sat down. I grabbed a hard cider and drank it down, feeling parched. Celestia lifted one, and sipped it as well. I looked up at her with a curious smile.

"So Princess, if you don't mind me asking," I said, "what brings you here?"

"Hm," Celestia considered. "I suppose I wanted to see you."

I blinked. "Er... What for?"

Celestia laughed. "Do I need a reason?" She asked softly. I shrugged.

"I suppose not," I said. "It's your country, you can do what you want."

Celestia's eyes flickered back to the lake, and she let out a soft sigh.

"I suppose so," she said. We fell into silence, and my mind raced. Which I have to admit, it does when I'm not fearing for my life or engaging in battle. Or trying desperately hard to avoid being molested by a horny mare.

No, it was not Fluttershy. It was Berry Punch after one too many.

"If you're concerned about Luna, or Twilight, or anyone else," I said, "they're doing good. I mean, I think Luna was doing well. We had fun when she visited my dreams last night."

"Yes. She told me," Celestia said softly. I held up my hands.

"We didn't do anything inappropriate!" I immediately said. "I mean, if you're here to give me the shotgun speech! I know she's your sister and you love her and I care very deeply but we just danced! In a dream!" I blinked. "Which sounds perfectly ordinary to me, which is the weird part. And I haven't done anything inappropriate with Twilight!"

"Such as?" Celestia asked, looking quietly amused. I coughed.

"... I imagine she has a very long list, now," I managed to joke. Celestia laughed, like the tinkling of happy bells from a church. She shook her head, and gave me a warm smile.

"Andrew Shepherd," she said gently, "I have no doubt you are being a perfect gentlestallion. Now that you're actually taking their romantic overtures seriously."

I scratched the back of my head.

"It's just," I tried. I stopped, and sighed. "Well... I'm not sure you can understand-"

"Hm? Understand what?" Celestia asked, "how difficult it is to find romance when you are one of only a hooful of your kind? Or you are in a position where romance is very difficult due to the potential consequences? Or even that you may feel afraid of doing so, due to the heartbreak and loss you have suffered before?"

She said all this in her neutral princess tone: One I'd become very familiar with during the weeks I'd spent at the castle. It was the kind of tone she used on nobles or doctors who had suggested dissecting me or putting me in a zoo.

I grimaced, and gave her an apologetic smile and bow.

"Sorry. I suppose you would understand perfectly well," I said.

Celestia sighed softly, and looked down at the lake. She looked intently into her reflection in the gently stirred water. At last, she spoke.

"What are immortals like in your fiction, Andrew Shepherd?" She asked. I blinked, and thought hard.

"It's varied," I admitted. "There are the type who feed off of other humans to survive. They see us as prey, or temporary things at best. Then there are immortals just trying to survive, hiding in plain sight. A very lonely existence, as they have to watch their loved ones perish. They tend to be miserable, even nihilistic." I hummed as I thought of my favorite. "Then there's the type who goes on, and on, and uses their immortality to go and see everything. Travel the universe. And take humans along because they can offer a whole new perspective on things he's seen so many times before."

"... Which of those do you suppose I am?" Celestia asked. I blinked. I was immediately wondering why she would ask me this... But when I saw her look at me, her eyes almost pleading, I found the words. Despite the stupid parts of my brain getting in the way.

"I think... You're a gardener," I said. "With a bit of the third type. Or maybe a mother. Basically, you want your ponies to grow up big and strong, and to solve their own problems. You do love them, despite everything, and want them to do better." I leaned back and shrugged. "Presumably so one day you can retire and hunt hot stallions on the beach for the rest of time."

Celestia was silent for a moment, looking down intently at the water as her shoulders shook. I wondered if I'd made a mistake. Oh God, would she start crying? Would she send me to the moon? Both?

She did neither: She threw her head back and let out a laugh. A great big, deep belly laugh, that she had never ever made before. Not around me, anyway.

And it was beautiful too. She got over her laughter, and treated me with a warm smile-The same one as before, so genuine.

"You're quite perceptive, when you stop overthinking everything," she said. I blushed and smiled at the compliment.

"Thanks, I-"

And then it hit me. Like a Tomahawk missile from out of the blue. My jaw dropped and I stared at Celestia in shock.

She stared back at me, her smile now a bit wan.

"... That's... Your plan for Twilight and the others, isn't it?" I asked. "Eventually-"

"Eventually? Yes," Celestia sighed softly. "If they want it." She looked at her hooves. "I'm old, Shepherd," she admitted. "I don't look it and I'm not it physically but... I'm old." She looked up at me, her smile still genuine but... Sad.

"Twilight especially is just... So precious to me," she admitted. "It's been so long since I saw that kind of potential. I've never... I've never met anypony quite like her. And I can't... I can't lose her." She looked intently into my eyes.

"It may be selfish," she admitted, "but I want them to try. To strive for it."

I was silent for a long time. I couldn't help it. Accepting that, processing it... My brain forced words out.

"And what if they can't take it?" I asked. "What if the loneliness gets to them?"

Celestia was just as silent for a time. Only the sound of the waves lapping against the rocks filled the air. She then let out a very long, quiet sigh.

"I can only pray we can deal with that, together," she whispered. She looked at me. "That is part of why I need you, Shepherd."

"To, what?" I asked, "convince them to become immortal?"

Celestia shook her head.

"No," she said, "not that at all. I want you to guard them, and help them. There is still so much for them to learn, Shepherd. And you have such a unique point of view. A unique strength. So fragile, and yet so strong. I need you to help them grow so that one day, they can decide to take that step. And keep the garden growing."

I was lucky I was already sitting down. I looked down at my hands, breathing in slowly. In. Out. In. Out.

"... One day I'll die too though," I said. It didn't come out sad or angry, just... Matter of factly.

"Perhaps," Celestia said. "Perhaps not. But you are the one who can help with this."

"I can't just tell them to strive for that," I stated. Celestia shook her head.

"Nor should you," she replied. "But you need to help them realize it. By being their guardian for the threats they can't face."

"... What if I fail?" I asked.

Celestia smiled back at me, and gave me a nuzzle.

"There is a saying... I believe it is from your world," she said, "but one that has helped me: 'Faith manages.' Without faith, what do we have?"

I sighed, and leaned back in my chair.

"Hell of a time to put all this on me," I muttered. Celestia pushed up next to me, and resumed her nuzzle. I held out a hand and stroked her neck.

"I know," she whispered. "I am sorry... I may have been holding this in for quite some time."

"I gathered," I said dryly. "And who better to tell than the space monkey?"

She said nothing at that. I let out a long sigh, and continued to stroke her mane.

"... I can't promise anything but to try," I stated.

Celestia hummed. "That is all anyone can ask of anyone."

We fell back into silence. The bobber had been underwater for five minutes.

Freaking Pony Princesses...

Author's Note

Not sure if this should count as a canon chapter or not.

Memories

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

Yeah, I know the Mike Rowe speech. "Take your passion to work with you" and all that. Also "don't get a useless degree". In either case though, it probably wouldn't have mattered much once you've been tossed into an alternate universe ruled by talking, magic ponies.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Shepherd, you handsome fool! What good would you be in a world where the farm animals are sapient and have magic? And all you have is a liberal arts degree! You'd be a useless monkey!"

And that is what I thought at first. But it turns out we humans do still have brains in our heads that can give us an edge when needed.

I lifted a slightly modified rake up to the apple tree, and slid the vanes into the bushels of apples with care. I then twisted the rake in my hands, and lowered the rake. I then presented the rake full of apples to Big Macintosh, who studied the results.

"And there you have it," I said with a smile, "several unbruised apples, properly picked."

Big Macintosh nodded.

"Eeyup," he confirmed. "Slower going though."

I nodded. "True," I admitted, "but it would let you harvest apples without bruising them. And with enough hired help from unicorns and pegasi, you could get a lot more harvested without just relying on bucking!"

The big stallion chewed on his ever present stalk of hay, and nodded.

"Eeyup," he said, though it was very positive. I grinned and rubbed the back of my head.

"Thanks. Though uh, I think Smithy in the village can make a better version of it than some twisted up rake," I admitted, tilting my makeshift apple picker and letting them tumble down into the barrel. The sun was high in the sky, but frankly I didn't mind. The temperate was mild, and a light breeze kept me nice and cool. Little Applebloom was bucking trees nearby, since it was the weekend. She was getting pretty good at it, filling up barrels with only a few hard kicks to the tree trunks. I frowned thoughtfully.

"Hey, uh, where's Applejack?" I asked. "I didn't see her this morning when I first got here. Is she okay?"

Big Macintosh was silent for a time. He just stared at me, like a stoic piece of red sandstone carved into the likeness of a stallion. He then looked thoughtful for a moment, studying me with keen eyes. I fidgeted slightly under the intensity of the gaze, but didn't say anything else.

"You ever lose anyone, Shepherd?" He asked at last. I blinked a few times, and then slowly nodded.

"Yeah. My mom when I was eight," I admitted softly.

Over the years, it'd become kind of natural to just say it. In as few words as possible, so that I could move on from the subject. It was a lot less uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Especially me.

Big Macintosh nodded knowingly. He threw his head back and gestured with his nose.

"North field. By the outer fence," he said. He then turned and got back to work apple bucking, without another word. I blinked a few times, then mentally shrugged and headed north.

The orchard had paths that were easy to follow, with one main trail that led north to south almost straight as an arrow. My boots carried me up to the north field, crunching on the well worn dirt as birds chirped and tittered above me.

It didn't take too long to spot a hint of orange through the apple trees, in front of a tall, white picket fence. As I got closer, my eyes resolved it into Applejack before I dipped back down behind a hill. I walked back up it, and there she was, silently sitting in front of two gray stones. Grave stones, surrounded by purple lilacs that grew through the fence and surrounded them almost protectively.

The orange mare didn't react to my presence. She just lifted a bottle of whiskey up to her lips, drank of it, and set it back down. I hesitated for a long moment. What right did I have to interrupt this private moment? Hell, why had Big Macintosh even sent me up here?

I should just go.

Her ears perked up under her hat, and she looked at me. Her expression was surprised, but then became calm. Almost neutral. I kept my own face neutral, as best I could.

"Applejack," I greeted softly. She nodded back to me.

"Shepherd," she replied. She turned back to the stones, saying nothing else.

I made up my mind, and walked down to stand next to her. I stood there, silently, and read the names on the grave stones.

BRIGHT MACINTOSH APPLE

BUTTERCUP APPLE

With some dates and words of endearment carved into the stone. My hands were in my pockets, as I stood there quietly. I reached up and took off my own straw hat, putting it over my chest.

Hey, it's a sign of respect, you savage.

Applejack looked up at me, and then back at the graves. I sat down next to her, and scooted up just a bit when she didn't react. I watched her stony expression for a time, before looking back at the headstones.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. Applejack shook her head slowly.

"Ain't nothing t' be sorry fer," she said. "Ain't yer fault."

I took a deep breath.

"... It's funny," I said, "after... Being in this situation, you'd think I'd know what to say. But I don't."

Applejack looked at me, her keen green eyes probing me. She nodded.

"Yeah... ah uh," she hesitated, "ah saw. When we were all in yer head. About yer ma."

I winced a bit, but waved away any attempts at an apology with my hand. She nodded at that.

"It's okay," I said. I looked back at the graves. Applejack took a breath, opened her mouth, closed it again... Then sighed and took another sip of her whiskey.

"One night, there was a commotion up in the north fields, where we used to keep the sheep," Applejack began, "Applebloom had jest been born a few weeks ago, so nopony was gettin' much sleep. Mah Pa headed out first to see what was goin' on, and Ma went on after. Told us to stay put, but we didn't listen. We got up Granny and got whatever we could find to fight with." She stopped for a moment, still as stone, before she continued.

"We met the sheep on the way. They were all hooting and hollering, terrified. It slowed down Granny and Mac, but ah got through. Ah got up here before Granny and Mac..." She trailed off for a moment, before she continued slowly. Her voice thick.

"It was some monster. Outta Everfree. Huge. Bigger n' meaner than anything ah'd ever seen." She stopped again. "Underneath its claws... There they were. Ma and Pa, both not movin'. The thing was scared by all the noise the rest o' us was making, yowling and roarin'. It ran off jest as Granny and Mac got there. We checked on them but..."

She took another long pull of her whiskey, and set it back down on the dirt. Her eyes were staring into nothing.

"The local Jaegers... Monster hunters n' trackers," she explained at my confused look, "went out, and found it dead a few days later. Turns out it was hurt, from fightin' something else. Wasn't able to hunt its usual food. It was after our sheep, cause it was starvin'. Desperate. That's why it..."

Applejack took another deep, calming breath. She fell silent. My lips were a thin line.

"And jest lahk that... They were gone," she said. "Big Mac, he comes here on the day o' the funeral. Me?"

Her silence filled in the gaps. I nodded slowly.

Well... I didn't know what to say.

So instead, I did what I needed when this mood came upon me. When I was brooding.

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, and held her. She tensed just a bit, then relaxed. She leaned against me, her head resting against my chest. She looked down at the bottle of whiskey, and took it up in her hooves. She offered it to me. I gave her a warm, small smile, and sipped from it. She took it back and sipped as well, resuming her vigil.

I tightened my hug just a little, and she sighed as she nestled into my warmth. She relaxed, looking far less tense than she had from the moment I got here. And I in turn relaxed a lot more.

Sometimes? There wasn't anything to say. And that was all right.

Author's Note

So. How was that?

Cultural Adaptation

An omake by dogbertcarroll.

Cultural adpatation and mathematical proofs!

* * * * *

Shepherd looked at the closed door and sighed. He really hated to do this... but it looked like he had little choice. He reached out to knock on the door. Before he'd finished the first knock the door opened and he was yanked inside and found himself sitting on a couch across from Cadence who was serving tea.

"I was wondering when you would break down and come see me," Cadence said cheerfully.

"Yes, well... I sort of have a problem and need some advice," he admitted.

"You certainly do," a voice called from out on the balcony.

"Quiet Shiny," Cadence called back. "Now, in your own words... what are you having problems with?"

"I'm sort of seeing... a number of ponies and it's very confusing," Shepherd admitted. "One minute Twilight is monopolizing all my attention and the next she is pushing me towards Fluttershy. Sometimes Pinkie is really flirtatious and others she's simply friendly. Applejack will lean on me like I'm her rock one day and the next she'll be treating me like a buddy. Sometimes they're jealous of others paying attention to me and other times they are amused. I... I have no idea what's going on from day to day."

"And does this conflict with their charts?" Cadence asked.

"Charts? What charts?" Shepherd asked dumbly.

"You don't..." Cadence looked shocked and then shook her head. "Of course you don't, you are from another world. I really should have seen this coming."

"Seen what?" Shepherd asked, ignoring the snickering from the balcony.

"Shepherd, the amount and type of affection females desire varies day to day," Cadence explained, telekineticly pulling a white board out of somewhere and scribbling on it with a marker.

"I can understand that," Shepherd reluctantly agreed, watching a complex diagram take shape on the board with a number of mares' names surrounding his own and lines and mathematical equations running between all of them in a confusing tangle that was slowly shaping up into what he thought a demon summoning circle should look like.

"Of course this is just a simplified version, not taking into account several mares which are probably on the outskirts of your romantic grouping or herd," Cadence explained, "but those are easily dealt with as the need arises. See if you simply plug these factors into this simple diagram you'll be able to tell off hand how you should be treating all the females in your life on a day to day basis."

"I have absolutely no idea what I am looking at," Shepherd admitted. "I'm pretty sure if I tried to write anything like that Tartarus would open up and release it's prisoners."

Hysterical laughing came from the balcony and Cadence's horn glowed for a moment, the laughter slowly decreasing as if a laughing male unicorn had just been pushed over a rail and was falling off the side of the castle, all while the Alicorn of Love smiled cheerfully.

Shepherd sipped his tea nervously. "I'm serious, whatever you've just written up there is so foreign to my mind that I can't comprehend it."

Cadence sighed. "That seems to be common among most males. Normally I'd simply make you a calendar so you could track everything, but there are simply too many variables to have it be more than sixty percent accurate-"

"I'll take it!" Shepherd exclaimed, interrupting her. "Sixty percent is a lot better than I am averaging right now."

"I thought you might say that," Cadence said, pulling a calendar out from under the table.

Shepherd accepted it eagerly and opened it up, noting most of 'his' girls were listed by cutie symbol with a daily chart of how to act towards them. He let out a relieved sigh. "You may just have saved my life," he told Cadence, "thank you."

"Anytime," Cadence said with a smile. "It'd be more accurate, but really there is only so much you can do with an abacus even these days."

Shepherd examined the present day. "Twilight is at friendly and a little flirty, but distracted by learning... If this is right, maybe I can get her to help me invent a computer so we can improve the accuracy," he said absently while he departed.

Shining Armor entered the suite, brushing leaves out of his mane. "Did you have to throw me off the balcony?"

"Yes, I did," Cadence replied with a bright smile.

"Eh, I probably deserved it," he admitted with a shrug. "I can't believe he bought all that."

"It's all true," Cadence told her husband.

"Yes, but the only person who understands any of that is you and certain mathematicians," he pointed out, "and nopony, absolutely nopony, keeps a chart to track these things, we mostly just wing it."

"And yet it's till true," Cadence replied smugly.

Shining looked at the chart she'd drawn. "I don't think he's even met several of those mares."

"Oh, he will," she said sipping her tea.

Shining looked at the evil grin on his wife's face, sat down and poured himself a cup of tea, it wasn't pointed towards him so he was pretty sure it wasn't his problem.

* * * * *

Author's Note

A fun omake by a good friend of mine.

Enterprising Mares

As military advisor to the Diarchs, I did have to go to Canterlot on a monthly basis to meet with generals and bigwigs and the Princesses themselves about national security matters. And if I was being honest, most of what I contributed wasn't anything really revolutionary. Hell, I got all of it out of numerous books on military theory, politics, and history I had been able to find from the Human archives. Everything from Sun Tzu's Art of War to Rear Admiral Alfred Thayer Mahan's Naval Strategy. The meetings were fairly informal, mostly discussions over threats to Equestria and talking about possibilities on defending against them. These ranged from the possibility of a revived Abbysian Kingdom suddenly becoming expansionist, to the Waimanu Empire unfreezing Emperor Charlatan and trying to freeze the world again.

The Waimanu were, by the way, sapient penguins with ice magics. Who were basically Nazis who wanted to kill off all life on the planet that wasn't penguin.

No, I'm not kidding.

I'd make my recommendations and we'd hash it out. The commander of the Equestrian Royal Navy, Admiral Corsair, was probably the most open minded of the ponies I talked to. She was fair and very interested in the naval traditions of Earth, and being a former navy brat I was able to tell her a lot. Turns out Luna had founded the Navy, so she may have made it clear she was fond of me.

General Hardtack, commander of the Equestrian Royal Army, was a bit more guarded and suspicious, but he did appreciate the fact that I saved Equestria and was from a "warrior race", in his terms. I got to learn a lot of Earth pony history I hadn't heard, including how innovative they were when it came to technology. He wasn't exactly friendly, but he wasn't hostile either.

The Air Marshall of Equestria, General Typhoon, and the Captain of the Royal Guard, Shining Armor, were a bit difficult but in different ways. General Typhoon was of the opinion that weather control was all Equestria needed, and looked down on the other branches-Especially the Navy for having a lot of non-pegasi flying. He didn't take a lot of my suggestions seriously, though he did take plenty of human material on air war for himself.

Shining Armor was polite and listened to what I had to say, but he was also very stubborn. His opinion was that the Royal Guard functioned just fine and innovation was largely unneeded for its role. Though he was, again, polite about it and pointed out reasons why the Guard operated the way it did, he could come off as just plain hardheaded. I was the one who got close to losing my temper a lot, and the fact he was able to be perfectly calm just got my goat.

I had to keep reminding myself, I'm just an advisor. But the fact that I was making decisions that might save or doom this world had a habit of weighing heavily on me.

It was after such a tiring discussion I found myself out on a balcony, looking over Canterlot and breathing in the clean air. The sun shone down brightly, and ponies went to and fro far below me.

I closed my eyes and just let go, relaxing as much as I could. It was then I felt Princess Luna bump up against me. I managed not to yelp, but I did give her a glare over my shoulder. She smiled apologetically.

"My apologies, Shepherd," she said. "But I have a surprise for you."

I immediately began looking around for Pinkie Pie. You never knew when she might spring her trap.

"A different sort of surprise, Shepherd," Luna said gently. She wrapped a wing around me, and teleported us.

Now, about teleporting: It's REALLY not very fun to go through. It feels like everything that's big gets small and everything small gets big, so when you come out of it you're feeling quite a lot of vertigo and motion sickness. Thankfully not enough to make me throw up, but God it was annoying. I shook it off though, and Luna gave me a proud smile as we stood in a large, dark room.

And by large, I mean large. I couldn't even see the ceiling far above us!

"Um... So, where's the surprise?" I asked. I tapped my foot-We were standing on a thick wooden platform of some sort. One that extended out after into the darkness.

"You're standing on it," Luna said with a pleased grin. The platform began to shake and rumble. The darkened roof opened above us, letting in blinding sunlight. I covered my eyes with my arm as the wind howled, and the massive platform shook like a localized earthquake!

I finally lowered my arm as I felt the breeze of outside... And my jaw dropped.

It wasn't just a large, flat platform. There was a tall superstructure far from me. A hauntingly familiar superstructure that I'd seen in a hundred books about World War II. I took unsteady steps as the great vessel continued to rise into the sky, and I looked around the long flight deck.

"Many things have ended up in Equestria from other worlds, Shepherd! And this vessel was easily one of the largest such things!" Luna explained loudly, the breeze having no effect on her voice. "My sister stored it in an underground cave near the Badlands until she could decide what to do with it, under magical preservation! And now that I have returned, I learned what this ship was!"

She grinned, almost savagely. I could finally see crewmembers, ponies going about the deck of the great carrier and manning (horsing?) the upper decks.

"A fighting ship! So I have decided that she will fight again-Under the Equestrian Flag! Our navy has needed modernization quite badly, so I provided it! With most of the help from your species!" She walked up alongside me, and beamed.

"But in honor of your people, her name is the same! I believe it holds some meaning to humans?"

There on the side of the aircraft carrier island was a number: 6. And painted on her great flightdeck, further back, I could make out CV-6 in large, white letters etched into the wood. I slowly turned to Luna, my jaw halfway to the planet's core.

"You're telling me," I began loudly over the rushing wind, "that you found the USS Enterprise and turned her into a flying aircraft carrier?!"

Luna nodded.

"That is precisely what we did, Shepherd!"

Holy fucking shit. I didn't know whether to have a fangasm or pass out.

So I did both.

These damn ponies will be the end of me one day...

Author's Note

In our world of course, CV-6 USS Enterprise, the Grey Ghost, was scrapped in the 1950s. But there's always an alternate universe where she just disappeared... And ended up in Equestria.

Merchandising

It was days after the dramatic battle against Thicket... And Ponyville was back to normal. Well, mostly. There was still a great deal of construction on the north side of town, though a lot of it was new.

Since Ponyville was the hometown of most of the Elements of Harmony, there was plenty of new investment streaming in. One wondered how the insurance companies were handling it. Did no one warn them about this town?

Oh well. Not my problem.

I was walking around, taking a well deserved day off. I’d been helping with a lot of the construction work, and frankly I just wanted a relaxing outing to go shopping.

Hey, overtime pay is great but what good does it do you if you don’t spend it on anything?

Unfortunately most of the stores in Ponyville are a bit specialized. It's what happens in a small town. Hell, there’s a store that sells nothing but couches and quills! I mean they’re good quills and couches, sure, but I had a couch and pens.

So, that meant going to Filthy Rich’s Barnyard Bargains: One of the largest big box chain outlets in Equestria. Well, technically the only big box chain outlet in Equestria so far. It takes a certain level of logistics development to get to that point. That said, having that much economic power means you can get a lot more stuff from across the country. So I was moseying up there to see if there was anything new (and possibly tacky) to purchase.

Maybe a fancy clock to put on the wall. Something in neon lights. Hey, I'm a bachelor, I can do that kind of thing.

In addition, Filthy Rich has given me a lot of jobs. Despite the fact his wife is a racist bitch. I should pay him back a little, right?

I walked up to the storefront, and a smile came over my face. It was nice to see so many ponies out shopping after the tumultuous events of the past month. A large crowd was gathered outside, all eager to buy new products and items. I guess the stimulus checks had gone through.

I could see three of my favorite little fillies coming out the doors, all carrying packages in bags. They skipped along cutely, and their eyes widened in pleased surprise when they spotted me. I beamed back as they galloped towards me.

“Hey girls! How are-OOF!”

They all bowled me over as they enveloped me in a big, happy group hug.

“Howdy Shepherd!” Applebloom said happily.

“How are you?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Look what we got!” Scootaloo cheered, holding her purchase up to my face. I winced a bit.

“Those are nice, Scootaloo,” I said. “What are they?”

Applebloom pulled out her purchase from her bag. It was an action figure encased in clear plastic, with a cardboard backcard. That wasn’t the most surprising part though.

The most surprising part was that I was staring at myself, realized in polyvinyl chloride and painted very thoroughly. Though I didn’t recall my shoulders being that broad. The cardboard backcard was bright and colorful, and bore a dramatically written title:

SHEPHERD, HUMAN KNIGHT OF EQUESTRIA

“Look what we got!" Sweetie Belle said happily.

"They're on sale today!" Scootaloo crowed, her little wings spreading. "And look totally awesome!"

"Isn't it great? It has real kung fu stabbing action!" Sweetie Belle cried. “Whatever that is!”

"And it has ten unique phrases!" Applebloom said. She pulled a string on the back of the action figure, and a small speaker came to life.

"Hello, I am Ser Shepherd! And this is my favorite store in Equestria!"

I stared at the action figure. I stared at the three little fillies. I took a deep breath, and slowly sat up. I pushed them off me, and stood up.

"Excuse me for a second,” I stated, keeping my rage under control. I stalked into the store, my eyes narrowed. I grabbed another action figure of myself from a nearby pyramid of the things-Just before dozens of ponies grabbed them all up. It was clearly a hot seller.

“Can I help you, Ser Shepherd?” A mare store clerk cried, with a big, eager smile on her face. I ignored her and strode by furiously. All the way up to Filthy Rich’s office in the back. I threw the door open, slamming it against the wall hard enough that I made the diplomas and pictures on Filthy’s walls shake and shudder.

Filthy Rich himself had ducked behind his desk. I stalked up to the desk, and reached over it. I grabbed the wealthy business pony by the scruff of his neck, and yanked him up. I looked right into his eyes, glaring in my rage.

“Oh! H-Hello, Shepherd!” He cried. “How nice to see you! Anything I can get you?! A-A discount card?!”

I held up the action figure.

“An explanation would be nice,” I growled.

"Now Shepherd, I understand you might be unhappy,” Filthy said, squirming in my grip. “But in this case, I'm just selling the action figures! I didn't make them! Though I did invest in the company that is making them. Good thing too! They're already in the Fortune 500 for Equus and their stock just keeps going up-!"

I was fed up.

"WHO DO I GO TO BEAT UP INSTEAD OF YOU?!" I roared.

Filthy Rich gulped.

Meanwhile, in Canterlot...

Princess Luna trotted into her sister’s sitting room, a large body pillow with Shepherd’s image printed on it tucked securely under her right wing.

"Sister, you did inform Shepherd that by becoming a knight of Equestria, his image can be marketed and he gets 10 percent of the profits?"

Celestia looked up from her paperwork and beamed at her beloved little sister.

"Of course I did!" She said.

"Oh good!" Luna cuddled with her body pillow, sighing happily. She turned to head out. "I will see you this evening!"

"Pleasant dreams, my sister~!" Celestia called back.

“Oh, they will be~,” Luna said huskily.

Author's Note

Just a short bit for your enjoyment. I hope you like it.

Sleeping with Mares: Pinkie Pie

***

"Uggghhh..." I felt like the walking dead. My limbs moved like lead weighs were attached to them, and I slowly shuffled my way to my bedroom.

"Urgh... That wasn't a construction site, that was a demolition derby," I grumbled. "Last time I let Derpy near a chainsaw."

I stumbled into my bathroom, and quickly washed my face. I wandered over to the bed and pulled my clothes off. I slid into the bed and sighed deeply.

"Hi Shepherd!"

I closed my eyes.

"I am way too tired to be freaked out by you sneaking into my bed, Pinkie Pie," I said. "But please tell me you aren't going to freak me out or mess me up?"

Pinkie hugged me tightly, and snuggled up close against my side.

"Nah," she said, "I'm just happy to cuddle you! You're nice and warm." She nuzzled up against my chest, and sighed happily.

I sighed.

"Yeah, well, you're pretty cuddly too," I muttered. I scratched the back of her head, and rubbed her curly locks between my fingers. It really was very nice.

"It's my specialty!" Pinkie Pie said happily. "You're pretty tired, huh?"

"Very," I grumbled.

"And sore?" Pinkie Pie guessed.

"Severely," I confirmed.

"That was fun to watch, you avoiding Derpy's chainsaw! That was great," Pinkie chuckled.

"Only with time passing," I grumbled.

"You need to laugh more," Pinkie said. "You have a nice one."

I rested my chin on her head and sighed.

"Thank you," I replied. "... So, really? No tricks? No pranks?"

Pinkie rolled up onto my stomach, and glared at me.

"Shepherd," she admonished gently. I sighed and kissed her nose. She flushed.

"Sorry," I murmured back to her. Pinkie giggled and nuzzled me back.

"You weren't supposed to kiss me that soon!" She said softly. I snorted back at her.

"What, you have a schedule?"

Pinkie nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh yes! Out for years and years! From your first foal's birthday party to the wedding party to the party when you get your life extended!" She beamed at me. "I've planned out every party for you, Shepherd! Because you deserve every one!"

I stared back into her intense blue eyes. For all of her joviality, Pinkie Pie seemed completely one hundred percent sincere. She held my gaze without a single blink.

"That's... Sweet, in a scary kind of way," I said. "I mean, how could you plan everything ahead?" I winced.

"Um... You aren't going to suddenly reveal you're some unnatural thing from beyond reality itself, right?"

Pinkie Pie sighed, and nuzzled my chest.

"You always seem kind of scared of me sometimes, Shepherd," she said. I shook my head.

"Not scared, just..." I sighed. "I just don't understand you sometimes. Your Pinkie sense and your magic, and how it defies explanation." I let out a long breath. "It does scare me a little."

Pinkie nuzzled my chest.

"Aw, Shepherd. You should know by now that I'm not a monster," she said. "I mean, no more than you're a monster."

I grimaced at that. God, I felt like a heel. I hugged her tightly.

"You know I don't really think you're a monster," I murmured. Pinkie Pie nodded.

"I know," she said. "You say a lot of things you don't really mean. You don't think about how it will sound-Until after."

I winced, and scratched the back of her head. Right between her ears.

"Yeah. It can be hard. I feel like I'm spending half of my life apologizing," I said. Pinkie nodded.

"Mm. Like you don't understand what went wrong? Yeah, I have that problem sometimes too." She beamed up at me. "But I know you feel exactly the same way when you mess up. So I can forgive you. If you can forgive me?"

I blinked up at her.

"Forgive you? For what?"

"For freaking you out," Pinkie said. "I do that to a lot of ponies sometimes. And humans too."

"Yeah, but you didn't mean to," I said, stroking her back. I blinked. "Wait, was this all some means of making me realize what kind of a jerk I was? In the nicest possible way?"

Pinkie Pie chuckled and snuggled in tightly. I pulled the covers up and stroked her mane.

"Silly human, who do you think I am? Princess Celestia?" She asked. "Now go to sleep. I want to have fun with Princess Luna and plan our wedding!"

I shook my head.

"Impossible pony," I muttered, and cuddled her tightly. I slowly fell asleep as she began to snore.

She was so random.

***

Author's Note

First in a series for one shots. Sleeping with Mares. No sexy times though, I have other stories for that.

Examination

I'm just going to be honest: While I miss the Earth and my old life a lot, there are some things I don't miss at all. Especially medically speaking.

With magic, a lot of medical issues that require uncomfortable tests and long hours of waiting in machines that bombard you with X-rays are no longer issues. As for Equestrian healthcare... Let's just say they found the perfect balance between private and public and leave it at that. Humans can be so sensitive about politics in arenas where there's no means of sensible moderation.

That said, I still had to get check ups every month as part of my agreement with the Equestrian government. There were concerns about me infecting them all with a plague or even me dying from an local virus, which is perfectly reasonable. I am an alien, after all.

I thought I would hate it, like I hated Earth hospitals. I was thankfully wrong. Mainly due to the aforementioned magic, and my usual general physician: One Nurse Redheart. She was a white furred, pink haired Earth pony nurse, wore the cute little hat and everything. I was also very fond of her, and she of me.

"What kind of stupidity did you do to yourself this time?"

Mainly because of how direct she was. I smiled at her as I laid on the examination table in the examination room. She trotted him, giving me a wan smile.

"Nothing," I said. "Just the usual check up, you know me."

"That's why I asked," she replied wryly. She trotted up to me and began asking questions, marking things on a chart as she went through them. Then she had me pull off my shirt and she began listening to my heartbeat via stethoscope, as well as my lungs.

"Still chilly," I said. Redheart huffed.

"That's just the temperature variation," she mumbled around the stethoscope. "Now breathe in... Breathe out..."

She checked my reflexes with a hammer, then took some skin samples. Finally, she got to a more general question format. For this, she just pulled up a chair and sat across from me as I kicked my legs like an anxious four year old.

"So," Redheart began, "have you eaten anything strange lately?"

I shook my head.

"Not unless you count some of Pinkie's Glow in the Dark Sprinkle Cakes," I said. "Is it?"

"Around here? No, but any problems with it?" She asked. I shook my head.

"None. Though..." I trailed off, thinking about how to phrase this. Redheart frowned.

"What is it?" She asked.

"It's weird," I said, "but... I mean, back on Earth I had a lot of energy issues. I was tired, I was overweight, I even had some breathing and allergy issues." I shrugged. "But since I got here, I've felt... Good. Like, better than good."

I thumped the pecs on my chest, which were pretty well defined. My stomach wasn't fully defined, but it was definitely not a big, round bulge.

"I can work out, I can go to work, and I'm full of energy-Do you know what's causing it?" I asked.

Redheart blinked a few times, and then sighed.

"Doctor Stable didn't tell you, I take it," she said, a bit exasperated. "That figures."

"What figures?" I asked, leaning forward.

"Well, when we did your blood tests," she said, "we found you did have immunological and glandular issues. Not uncommon to many primates living a sedentary lifestyle. So we talked with the Royal Academy of Sciences and gave you some T Plus Booster Potions, and an Immunological Balancing Potion Regimen."

"The... Green stuff you made me take?" I asked. Redheart nodded.

"Of course! As well as a few other booster potions-Vitamin deficiencies mostly. Your thyroid has been functioning properly for a while, as has the rest of your system." She blinked curiously. "Is that a problem? Is it some kind of human cultural thing to-"

Let me give you some context: I have suffered from allergies so bad that they thought I had asthma when I was 10. Even allergy shot treatment and pills could do so much to alleviate it. As for thyroid issues: Sure, I took pills for that but working out was always a challenge because of having to push myself harder for fewer gains. Let's not even get into the clinical depression that accompanied this, or the other hormone crap that made me feel so bad.

Basically Redheart had cured me of shit that had plagued me for my entire life with a few potions, that had let me live the actual active lifestyle all those diet pill and exercise machines had boasted about.

This is why I grabbed her, hugged her, and kissed the hell out of her. She squealed in surprise, which is what made me realize just what I was doing.

I immediately pulled back, set her carefully on her table, and backed away to nearly the other side of the room. We were both panting for breath, and red faced.

"Ah... Um, sorry," I said quickly. "I'm really sorry-I just... Wow!" I gave her the biggest grin ever. "I... Thank you!" I closed in slowly, as she still seemed a bit scrambled. "Is-Is there anything I can do for you? To repay you?"

"Um... Don't be... I mean! Ah,no! I-I'm just doing my job!"," she said after a long, thoughtful pause.

"Again, I am so sorry," I admitted, helping to adjust the hat on her head. She shivered at this, and licked her lips.

"Though... Um," she began, "it would... Be nice... To chat outside of a hospital setting." There was a long pause. "A friendly chat. At a cafe. From time to time?"

Oh God. I really was a harem lead, wasn't I? No, come on, don't think that. Yes she's flustered and maybe she's interested but... Don't overthink it. Take it slow. Be honest.

"I'd like that," I said, "nice, friendly cafe meals. Together. As friends."

Redheart nodded back. "Y-Yes. Friends," she said.

"Sooo," I said, as I tried to get back on track with all the subtlety of a nuclear powered rhino charge, "anything else to discuss or look at-?"

"No! No, I'm-We're done!" Redheart squeaked quickly. "You can put your pants back on! And your shirt!"

"No problem! I'm dressing, I'm dressing," I said just as quickly, getting dressed frantically. When I was done I looked up at the mare.

Redheart fixed her mane up in a mirror, and turned around. She was taking slow, deep breaths. She finally seemed to collect herself, and gave me a warm smile.

"So, um, just keep up the exercise and avoid too many sweets and you'll be fine," she said. She hoofed open the door. "And I'll see you this Disday morning for brunch?"

"It's a date," I said with a smile. "... By which I mean-"

"An entirely platonic outing between friends," she said with a nod. "Of course! Now," she leaned out and bit my butt, making me yelp, "Out!"

"OW!" I cried, rubbing my rump. "... Did you seriously just-?"

"OUT!"

I got out, and she slammed the door shut behind me. I headed to the front desk, shaking my head. I paid my copay with the receptionist, who was giving me a little smirk.

"... What's so funny?" I asked her. The receptionist, a Pegasus mare with cool blue mane and fur, giggled.

"Just that it seems to take a while for her to do your examinations," she noted. I shrugged as I signed the check.

"I am an alien. How long is it supposed to take?" I asked.

She giggled again.

"I dunno, how's your butt?"

I refused to even dignify that with a response.

Author's Note

Bit short but it's still an update! And the only thing scary about this is... How not scary it is.

Manga

Twilight

"Urrrgh!" Twilight tossed the romance novels she'd been studying intently in all directions, her frustration overcoming her usual care of her books. She was able to catch them with her telekinesis at the last moment, but her anger remained potent.

"I can't believe it!" She moaned.

Rarity wandered in, a smile on her face.

"Twilight dear! I'm here to return my book on-Oh my!" She immediately set her book aside, and zipped up to Twilight's side. "Twilight! What is it?"

"Oh, hello Rarity," Twilight sighed. "I'm sorry for the mess."

"Now now, we can clean that up any time," Rarity said gently, "what's gotten you into a tizzy?"

"It's these romance novels!" Twilight groaned. "There's not a single helpful thing in any of them! They're all for after the courtship and just go right into the, um, well..." She blushed severely, and Rarity nodded knowingly.

"Ah, yes, quite," she said, "and of course, the swashbuckling, sweeping one off their hooves part isn't really applicable here." She gave a smile and a wink to Twilight. "After all, none of these novels deal with how to court an actual alien, do they?"

"No," Twilight sighed. "Closest I found were these 'Stallions from Beyond the Stars' books, but they just assume all the aliens will just be ponies with a few extra bits attached!" She shook her head in disbelief. "How uncreative can you get?"

"Hmmm," Rarity hummed aloud, thinking carefully. "Twilight, as I recall, Shepherd has a fondness for his equivalent of Neighponese comics, yes?"

"They're called manga," Twilight corrected automatically, and she looked glum, "and yes, he does. So does Fluttershy."

"Well," Rarity began, "perhaps the Neighponese culture has more in common with human culture and their romantic mores! And so by researching it, you can perhaps better connect with Shepherd?"

Twilight's eyes lit up.

"Rarity, that's brilliant!" She cried. "Thank you!"

"Oh no need to thank me, darling," Rarity demurred with a smile, "you know how I try to help my friends as much as possible."

Twilight immediately galloped off to the manga section of the library. Rarity hummed as she looked through some of the discarded romance novels, as a shadow loomed up nearby.

"So," Spike said, popping up next to Rarity with hearts in his eyes, "can you help me with this cosplay idea I have for the next Canterlot Comic Con?"

Rarity blinked. "Cosplay? What's cosplay?" She asked.

Spike's jaw dropped. He then smiled.

"Rarity," he said, now confident that the ball was in his court, "I am about to blow your mind."

Shepherd

I was hammering a nail into a windowsill on the Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse, Applejack nearby with some extra lumber.

"You know, something I've never understood," I said as I hammered the nail in.

"Mm?" Applejack grunted.

I held up the hammer.

"Why are your hammers designed like they're meant to be held by hands?" I asked. "I mean, I can hold this perfectly but humans are creatures of legend, right?"

Applejack shrugged. "Don't rightly know," she admitted, "though ah like having leverage when ah swing it."

"Fair enough," I replied with a shrug. I turned around and... Slammed into Twilight.

"OOF!"

I fell down onto the dirt and grunted. I looked up at Twilight, who had also fallen down.

"Hey Twilight, you all right?" I asked. I blinked. "Huh?"

Twilight was dressed in a blouse, skirt and pantyhose. She had a little bowtie around her neck, and was rubbing the top of her head with a wince. She had a piece of toast in her mouth, which she quickly chomped down on and swallowed.

"Ha. Oh, I mean-Owww... Oh! Hello! I'm sorry I ran into you!" Twilight said. "I'm new at this school-I mean, in this town and I wasn't looking where I was going!"

"Uh... Huh?" I responded.

"Sugarcube, you all right?" Applejack asked. She helped Twilight up to her hooves, as I got up to my own feet. Twilight nodded.

"Oh yes, I'm just fine! I'm so terribly clumsy!" Twilight went on. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, by the way!" She waved her hoof as she immediately began trotting off. "It's Twilight!"

Applejack and I watched her trot off. We looked at each other.

"... What do you think drove her insane this time?" I asked.

Applejack shook her head.

"Ah don't know. Ah'm jest gonna batten down the hatches."

Author's Note

Welp... He's screwed.

Manga 2

I had tea with Fluttershy the next day, after we'd finished giving a swamp dragon his medicine. I leaned back on the couch, Fluttershy in her cute little chair across from me.

"That dragon was fairly cooperative, Fluttershy," I said with a smile. "I'm not sure why you needed me around."

Fluttershy smiled.

"W-Well, it helps to have a bigger, stronger animal around," she explained, "in order to keep the swamp dragon calm."

"I guess that makes sense," I said. I sipped her tea, and sighed as I relaxed even more. "This is great stuff, by the way. What kind of tea is it?"

"It's dandelion tea," Fluttershy said, blushing gently. "I-I made it myself."

I smiled back at her, and her blush grew. God she really was beautiful-I mean cute! Cute! That's what I meant. Yeah.

"It's very nice," I said. I sighed and relaxed into the couch cushions, feeling completely at ease...

Which made me reach for my gun. Fluttershy was alert in a moment, and concerned.

"Shepherd? What's wrong?" She asked. "Is there something dangerous around?"

Honestly, it made sense that Fluttershy could read my moods so well. She did it with animals all the time. It was her special ability.

"Kind of," I said carefully. "Twilight's been acting... Weird lately, and I don't know what she'll pull next."

At Fluttershy's look, I sighed.

"I mean, weird as in she's gone bonkers over something," I explained.

"Oh," Fluttershy said, looking a tiny bit tense. She shook her head. "I mean, Twilight means well. She can just sometimes be a little... Off."

"Yeah, but in this case, she's really been acting strange," I emphasized.

"SHEPHERD!" Twilight called from outside the cottage. I winced, and then slowly got up. I opened up the door. There was Twilight all right, still in the schoolgirl uniform. However, she was looking rather haughty, and had her nose up in the air.

"Er, yes Twilight?" I asked.

"Oh, h-hello Twilight," Fluttershy said with a smile. Twilight gave Fluttershy a smile back, but reserved a glare for me.

"You're late for our testing," she stated firmly. I grimaced and rubbed the back of my head.

"Can we not do it today? I'm not feeling very well-"

"Shepherd you idiot!" Twilight burst out, and my eyes widened. "That's why we need to do the testing! You might get sick and die from something and we'd never know! You should take better care of yourself!"

I looked over at Fluttershy, who looked as confused as I was. But she did nod in agreement.

"Um, I mean, she does have a point," she said softly. "You need to stay healthy, after all."

I looked back at Twilight, and shrugged.

"Okay? I'll be at the library in a few minutes," I said. Twilight snorted imperiously.

"Please. I will walk you there. I'm going to make sure you don't get lost or slack off," she ordered. "I have vital science to do!"

Well, when confronted with a tsundere, there are two ways to handle it. One is to take it and be a pussy, like Keitaro Urashima. The other way is much more enjoyable. So you should know which ways I decided to go.

"I didn't know you cared," I deadpanned. Twilight blushed brightly, and stuttered back her denials.

"S-Stupid Shepherd! It's not like I like you or anything!" She managed.

"Sure," I chuckled. Usually when Twilight goes insane, it's just terrifying and twisted. This? This could be fun. Best to just let her get it out of her system.

I walked alongside Twilight, who was trying to keep her nose up in the air as we walked... Leading to her bumping into a tree.

"Ow!"

"You okay Twilight?" I asked, grinning widely.

"I-I'm fine!" She cried, rubbing her nose. "Thank you..." Her eyes widened. "I-I mean, I don't need your help! Stupid Shepherd!"

I held my hands up, barely containing a laugh.

"As you wish!"

I might be able to enjoy this without being set on fire.

Again.

Fluttershy

Fluttershy stared intently after Shepherd and one of her very best friends in the world, feeling... Deeply conflicted.

Why was Twilight acting so tsundere? More importantly... Why was Shepherd going along with it?

Did... Did Shepherd enjoy the tsundere? She knew he liked her Neighponese manga but she had no idea he liked tsundere characters!

If she didn't do something, would she lose Shepherd? Should she step aside and let her friends be happy? She had to, didn't she? After all, she was the Element of Kindness. That would be the kind thing to do... Wouldn't it?

Her eyes narrowed in determination.

No. As much as she cared for Twilight, she wasn't going to just stand by and let her take Shepherd with her tsundere ways.

Shepherd. Was. Hers.

Author's Note

I'm just a bit overwhelmed due to working for UPS during the holidays. It's been stealing my muse away. So after that's done, I'll be able to return my full attention to writing.

I am at the very least committed to updating every week, so that you're not left hanging.

O Death

Just a brief interlude from the main story, again. Written with help from Typhonis and set during "Over a Barrel"

I sighed as I laid against the trunk of a cotton tree, my broad Stetson hat over my eyes. Appleloosa was hot and dry and dusty. Currently, I was sitting in the shade near a small stream as Twilight and the girls dealt with some problem or other. Something to do with buffalo and property rights and other junk. I’d only come along because hey, frontier town? Sign me up! I loved cowboys and westerns and all that jazz, and seeing a frontier town had seemed like a good idea at the time.

Again, at the time. It was a nice place, Appleloosa, but just way too damn hot.

I leaned back, listening to the burbling of the stream... then my eyes snapped open.

I could feel someone or something watching me. A useful skill to develop, given how Equestria is (and how Chewie liked to pounce on me.)

I heard a startled squeak, and soon locked onto the source: It was a buffalo, a young one, and if the voice was anything to go by, a girl. Or, I suppose, a cow. She darted off, galloping like her life depended on it.

I sighed and tried to get comfortable again. Ever since I had gotten here, the local buffalo had been cagey as hell around me. The very first day they had seen me, they had stampeded out of town. I still had no clue why, and the locals were puzzled by it as well. Twilight said something about ancient legends of humans or something, but nothing specific.

A rustle of leaves told me she was back. I opened my eyes and…

Okay, that was a lot of Buffalo.

The whole herd surrounded me. Fear and apprehension were on their faces as the young cow stepped forwards. Her steps were meek and timid as she walked up to me.

It reminded me of the times when Fluttershy had been frightened, but that made no sense. They outnumbered me, they were bigger and stronger. Even with my guns, they would overwhelm and trample me if they really wanted to.

What could they possibly have to fear from me?

The young cow stopped a yard away and opened her mouth to speak.

"G-great D-Dread Lord of D-Death,” she managed in a stutter, “I-I humbly offer-"

I slapped the ground with my hand and glared at her. Her eyes shrank to tiny pinpricks of fear as I stood up. I glared at all of them and said one word.

"No."

"But Dread One-!”

Oh God, not more of this!

"I said no! Non! Nein! Nyet! NO!” I shouted. “I have no clue what is going on but it stops NOW."

My anger was up as I walked into the sunlight. First they attack us and now they act like I’m some kind of god? Fuck that noise!

The herd slowly backed up. All of them were terrified of me, and the young girl buffalo was ready to pass out. I shook my head and swept my gaze across the herd.

That's when I saw him.

The buffalo was old. Ancient even. He was grey, his skin wrinkly and hanging loose. His fur was thinning. He was barely holding it together, panting hard as saliva dripped from his lips. I was no rancher, but I knew an animal that was suffering from the heat well enough. The poor guy… I felt my anger grow.

Goddamnit, whatever bullshit (literally) they were pushing, they shouldn’t bring old guys out into this heat! He was just going to get sick and die!

I took some deep breaths and got my anger under control. I looked directly at the old buffalo. I then pointed right at him.

"Hey old timer, come over here!"

The herd parted like the Red Sea did for Moses, leaving the old buffalo alone. He stared back at me, let out a weary sigh and slowly trotted up to me through the dusty dirt.

The young buffalo girl stared, then yelled at me in terror.

"No, not my great grandfather! Take me in his place!”

She galloped in front of me, her eyes wide and anxious.

“I am young and fit and-!"

I ignored her and smiled at the old buffalo. I held my hand out to the bit of shade, gesturing the old guy towards it.

"Go have a rest old timer. You look like you could use it. Go ahead and take a nap if you want, you look like you need the energy. It's too damn hot to be running around at this time of day."

The old buffalo stared at me for a long moment. Then a small smile crossed his face. He looked up at me in respect as he trotted for the shade.

"Thank you m'lord. I am a bit tired. My age you know…”

I nodded. I again pointed out the spot.

"Then go rest,” I said gently, “someone your age has earned it. I'll make sure no one interrupts your nap."

I just glared at the other buffalo, who all looked fearful. Looking at them, I spoke loud and clear in the hot, dry air.

"I have no clue what’s going on here, but bringing an old person like that out here?! Look I'll help you with what’s going on, but leave the old out of it, huh? He’s done his time!”

An hour passed in silence, and the buffalo didn't speak to me. I sighed. Poor guy really needed the rest, but it hadn’t made any of the other buffalo more kindly disposed towards me. They just waited around, as though unsure what to do.

I then saw the young female walk up to the old one. He had a smile on his face when she nudged him. Fear etched her features again. She nudged him harder. This however caused him to fall over unmoving.

I stared, my jaw dropping. It couldn't be…!

The young buffalo began to cry in earnest when I felt a snort of air at my arm. I spun around to see the chief buffalo looking right at me.

"We were wrong, dread one,” he spoke in a deep, gentle tone, “wrong about you. Unlike the humans we have been taught about, you are far gentler. You are more like the turn of the sun and moon than the merciless wolf. You invited him to rest and offered him shade. You gave him comfort at the end.”

Every buffalo bowed their great heads low to me. The girl buffalo kept crying. The chief’s final words seemed to come from as far away as my homeworld, yet rang terribly in my ears.

“We will remember this… Dread One."

Hours later, Applejack later found me in a barn, drinking hard apple cider and trying not to cry. I was failing miserably at the latter part. The farmer trotted up to me, and just sat next to the dumb, stupid, crying human I was. The cider was hitting me hard, but just not hard enough.

"I'm... I'm not an avatar of death," I muttered. "I'm not. I'm not."

"Ah know that," Applejack said gently. "We know that. But t' the Buffalo, you did something good."

"I killed an old buffalo," I almost sobbed, but the alcohol slurred my words. Applejack leaned up against me.

"No ya didn't, ya dern fool," she murmured. "You jest offered him peace. He went on t' the next world with a smile, cause you were kind t' him. And they saw yer kindness and had some peace 'n closure."

I looked down at the swept dirt floor. Covered in straw bits from dozens of hale bales moved to and fro.

"I thought I'd killed my mom for years," I admitted. "It was stupid, yeah. A kid trying to... To rationalize... What had happened... But then this..."

Applejack took a hoof and took hold of my chin. She turned my face to look her dead in the eyes.

"Ah felt the same way when mah parents were killed," she said firmly. "It don't make it the truth, no matter what. You didn't do anythin' wrong. It'll hurt, but you gotta let it hurt an' not let it turn you the wrong way." She took a swig off the bottle of hard cider. "That's what friend are for."

I sighed and wrapped an arm around her. She leaned into me.

"When did you get so wise?" I muttered. Applejack chuckled, and nuzzled up against me.

"Well, ah ain't the silly pony ah used t' be..."

Author's Note

Hope you enjoyed. I'll be exploring more of how humans fit into the mythology and religion of other cultures in Equus. It's just kind of my thing...

A Quiet Sunday

I wasn't a frequent visitor to the Ponyville church. It was a simple wooden structure, not dissimilar to the school house, with a simple stained glass window in the back. It depicted Celestia and Luna, on either side of a solar eclipse. Beneath them, rays of sunshine shone down onto a breathtaking pastoral scene. A scene of proper harmony and beauty.

But I wasn't converted, despite Father Waddle's best efforts. I stuck to my own religion and my own God, thank you very much. For my own personal reasons, but also for the simple reason that in my religion, I am not divine.

Thinking of oneself as a god is a dangerous direction to go in. Watch any episode of Star Trek or Stargate: SG-1.

All that said, I couldn't exactly just ignore the fact I was a religious icon. As much as I wanted to. So I did attend a few services here and there. Usually when Pinkie Pie insisted on it.

I usually believed it would be awkward and uncomfortable... And guess what? This time? I was right!

I sat up front in the front row of pews, alone. Pinkie Pie and my other best friends were in the row behind me, singing along with the hymn Father Waddles led them all in. It sounded like something corny, out of a kid's show. I tried very hard not to look like I would like to be anywhere but here but... Well it wasn't like I was the greatest actor.

The most annoying part? Father Waddles just kept smiling at me throughout the song, never even looking annoyed or put out. Stupid jerk.

The hymn mercifully ended, and Father Waddles gave his congregation a warm smile.

"It is so good to see so many faces here today," he stated. "And many new faces! Joining us from Windy Peak, we welcome Mister Hickory Kindling, and his wife Citrus Vanilla. Please, trot forward!"

A pegasus stallion with white fur and light blue mane rose from the front bench, with his wife, an Earth mare with pink fur and blonde mane. Between them was a squalling bundle, containing their newborn foal.

Oh! It was a christening-like ritual. That made sense. Many religions, not just Christianity, had rituals to mark children as gaining entry into the community. Presenting them to the local community for acceptance.

Father Waddles beamed warmly.

"Now normally, I would perform the muster blessing myself," Father Waddles said, "but the couple has made a special request."

I felt Pinkie Pie vibrate excitedly behind me. I held back a groan. Oh good, here it comes...

"That our resident Human Guardian come forth and bless their new filly?" He said, looking over at me expectantly. I tensed up, resisting the urge to get up. I felt everypony's eyes on me.

I held back a sigh. Goddamnit, from now on? I will never, ever promise Pinkie anything. Never again.

I got up, and slowly walked up to the hopeful looking couple. I blocked out the eyes on me, and knelt down. I held out my hands. Hickory and Citrus held out their foal, smiling eagerly and with big eyes filled with hope. I couldn't look any way but grave, but I took their foal as carefully and gently as I could.

I held the little foal in my arms, and looked down at her. Equestrians had children more like humans did-Born as helpless infants that needed more care and attention than Earth horses. Probably for the same reasons too: Our big brains. Babies had to be born young and small enough that their heads wouldn't get so big they'd be stuck in the birth canal. That's the price you pay for big brains and high intelligence, and it probably shaped our evolution into a society just as much as it had probably shaped theirs.

The foal had a big head and its limbs were small and weak. Her eyes were large, kind of a blood orange color. Her fur was a pale pink, and the one curl of her mane was a light blue. She began to wriggle in my arms, and whined loudly, her little hooves waving at me. I sighed softly, and leaned her forward a bit against my chest so I could stroke her tiny wings and back.

"Shh, shhhh, it's okay," I murmured. "It's okay..."

She apparently heard and felt my heartbeat, and it calmed her down. She still kept trying to look up at me, clearly curious. She was incredibly adorable this way, and I couldn't help a smile.

Her entire life was ahead of her. There were so many possibilities for her, so many paths to take.

I looked up and saw everyone was watching me. Spoiled Rich was sneering at me. Twilight, Fluttershy and even Rainbow Dash were blushing. Applejack was giving me a speculative smile. Octavia looked at me with a look you could only describe as gooey. Vinyl was grinning cheekily, wriggling her eyebrows in a meaningful gesture. Minuette, the dentist, was biting her lower lip, while Nurse Redheart's face had turned bright red as she looked aside. Pinkie Pie was beaming, as Rarity cooed.

Spike had managed to escape to Sunday School, or their equivalent here. He always complained about being treated like a baby expect when it got him out of awkward situations. Lucky little jerk.

Right. I should say something, shouldn't I?

"Ah... What is the name of your foal?" I asked. Hickory and Citrus beamed in pride.

"Cozy Glow," they said in unison. They had to have rehearsed that, given the looks they gave one another. I nodded.

"Ahem. Right." I looked down at Cozy Glow, and let myself smile genuinely... Before realizing I had completely forgotten the blessing the Father had told me. Shit.

Well! I was always good at improvising.

"Cozy Glow," I spoke from my diaphragm, loud enough to be heard throughout the church but not so loud I might scare the foal, "filly of Hickory Kindling and Citrus Vanilla. You are a foal of Harmony, born into a loving family. You begin your life, your journey, in the company of friends. Beings that will teach you, help you, and be with you as you grow. I am nothing special, myself. Just a fellow traveler. But wherever life takes you, know that you will never be alone as long as you're willing to keep your heart open to the possibilities of friendship and love."

I paused, thought about it, and shrugged.

"In the name of Harmony I welcome you to our family. Um... Amen?"

A number of ponies laughed, but the rest clopped their hooves in applause. A few cheered. Cozy whined more loudly, and I very carefully handed her back to her parents: Both of whom looked grateful. Father Waddles grinned at me happily, and I did my best to hold my head high as I went back to my seat and sat down. Pinkie Pie leaned over and whispered in my ear.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" She asked. "You did super-dee-duper! Cozy's gonna have a great life, I just know it!"

"Thanks. I'm never doing that again," I muttered back, as Father Saddles went into his sermon. Applejack leaned over onto my other side, grinning broadly.

"Mustering ceremony, or hold a foal? Because you're pretty good at that," she observed.

"What else related to foals might he be good at?" Dash whispered, waggling her eyebrows.

"AHEM," Granny Smith growled as she trotted by with a collection basket. All three mares smiled apologetically, and sat back down on the bench.

I gave the elderly mare a grateful smile as she trotted by. She smiled back... But as she passed...

"So. Noticed yer pretty good at handlin' a foal. Good t' know!"

I held back a groan. Despite all the progress we'd made, I had a feeling my life was going to get much more complicated, and soon.

Author's Note

Every civilization has religion or religions, and we've seen that the Ponies themselves have religion. So I decided to have some fun with it, given the much more serious chapter that I had last time.

As for why I'm updating so much lately? Well I'm trying to make up for the long gap between updates from before. Hope nobody's unhappy about that.

Grand Galloping Gala Part 2

Well, we weren't going to sort anything out just arguing out where everyone else could watch (and gossip). So for the sake of my charges (and our sanity), I herded the unruly mares into my house and shut the door. I managed to get them into my living room, where Pinkie Pie immediately ducked down, and reappeared with a platter of snacks. I rolled my eyes at her antics, as it didn't slow down the arguing.

"I can't believe it! She's trying to steal our bodyguard!" Dash growled. She immediately grabbed onto my arm. "WE SAW YOU FIRST!" She snarled.

"Dash, come on, we haven't even gone on our date yet," I sighed.

"We can just skip to the end~," she crooned in an attempt at a sultry tone. Applejack yanked on the rope she'd kept around the pegasus, yanking her off me. I sighed in relief, and smiled at Applejack.

"Much appreciated," I said. Applejack curled up to my side with a smug expression.

"Not to worry," she said easily. Dash glared angrily.

"Hypocrite!" She snarled. Applejack rolled her eyes.

"Brat," she shot back.

Fluttershy sighed softly, Pinkie Pie slid up to her side and patted her shoulder.

"Don't worry Fluttershy!" Pinkie said consolingly. "I'm not getting a 'red hot orgy' twitch, or a 'killer cat fight' twitch, so something else will happen!"

"I don't know if you're trolling me or them," I grumbled. Pinkie gave me a cheeky smile back, and batted her eyelashes.

"Or I might be doing something else~," she crooned. I looked over at Twilight, who was examining the letter with laser focused intensity. I frowned.

"Uh, Twilight? You okay there?" I asked.

Rarity looked up from the pastries and frowned.

"Twilight darling?"

The purple unicorn beamed, and threw a hoof up into the air.

"I'VE GOT IT!"

"What?!" Dash demanded. "Why the Princess is stealing Shepherd?!"

"She's not stealing me!" I growled. I looked over at Twilight carefully. "... Right Twilight?"

The librarian shook her head, chuckling happily.

"Of course not! It's very simple! And also... Very potentially dangerous."

"How dangerous?" Dash asked, already looking intrigued. Her tail brushed over my lap, and I scowled at her. She looked innocent.

"Sorry~," Dash murmured. Applejack slapped her tail away with a scowl, making the prismatic pegasus scowl. Twilight ignored all of this, beaming in triumph.

"Well, let's examine the facts, shall we? Why would Celestia want a visible escort with her during the Gala?" She asked, looking around at her friends. Pinkie Pie held up her hoof and waved it around eagerly.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Me! PICK ME! MEEEEE!"

Twilight sighed, and pointed at the pinkie party pony.

"Pinkie?"

Pinkie beamed like the sun.

"Because she wants to feel more secure?" Pinkie offered. Twilight hummed thoughtfully.

"That's part of it, yes! But why?" Twilight prompted.

"Pirate invasion?" Pinkie suggested.

"Eldritch abominations?" I deadpanned. It honestly wouldn't surprise me.

"You're... Well you might be right," Twilight considered, before shaking her head. "The point is! She clearly suspects some kind of threat! The Grand Galloping Gala is the biggest assemblage of Pony leaders of the year! Some kind of attack could cripple Equestria's ability to respond to an invasion!"

Everyone's eyes widened. Even Dash stopped her obvious flirting, her jaw dropped. Applejack frowned in serious thought.

"So, why didn't Princess Celestia jest say that?" Applejack asked.

Rarity clopped her hooves together.

"Obviously, because she can't!" Rarity deduced. "The potential threat may already be in Canterlot! Hidden! Disguised, perhaps! There could be double agents among the populace, and she doesn't know who to trust!"

A chill ran down my spine. The earlier exasperation was replaced by uncertainty. Was there a new threat to Equestria so soon? Then again, given the damage done by Nightmare Thicket's crap, it would be an ideal time for someone to attack. Strike while we're weak.

"Well... Why Shepherd?" Dash asked. before I could. "Why not a whole legion of guards?"

Twilight nodded firmly, her eyes narrowed.

"Oh! That's also simple Rainbow Dash! She wants us to be in attendance with Shepherd to take the threat down! And us plus Shepherd equals an unpredictable means of stopping it!" She beamed at us all. "Which we will."

I will admit, seeing that smile on Twilight Sparkle's face relieved my fears and lightened my spirits. It was the same smile she'd worn when she'd figured out the Elements of Harmony. Casting the Nightmare into the Aether.

"I'm actually kind of relieved," I admitted. I grimaced. "Is that weird?"

"Kind of?" Dash admitted.

"Maybe a little," Fluttershy suggested.

"I mean, I like Celestia, but I am nowhere near good enough to... Ya know... Actually date her," I said.

"Hey now! She'd be lucky to have a stallion like you!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. She winked. "Maybe we can work something out after we save the kingdom again!"

"Not the time, Pinkie!" Twilight growled. "We need to make more preparations!" She looked to Rarity, who sighed and rubbed her chin.

"Oh dear. More revisions to the dresses," she hummed. She brightened. "Oh well! Giant Spider silk armor plating can at least be blended into most of them at this stage!"

I shook my head and stood up, dislodging Rainbow Dash.

"That's not going to be enough," I stated. "If we're going to actually handle this covertly, we need to be smart. We need to be coordinated!"

I looked around at the six best hopes for the entire world. All looking determined.

"Above all else? We need to train. Hard," I stated.

"What did you have in mind, Shepherd?" Twilight asked, intrigued. I shrugged.

"Well, for starters," I said, "let's try my combat training regimen. That way, we can all be on the same page, and get in shape!"

"But what if whatever Princess Celestia is... Is worried about is already here in Ponyville?" Fluttershy whispered, looking around carefully. The rest of the mares began looking around, suspicion hitting them all. Like how everyone in a group starts yawning once one person does.

I let out a long sigh.

"We can just say you all decided to strengthen your friendship with group exercise," I said.

Dash frowned.

"What kind of training is this, anyway?" She asked.

I saw Chewie's face pop up outside a nearby window. He growled hopefully. I allowed myself a deadly little smile.

"Well..."

Five minutes later, we were all running or galloping from Chewie, who was roaring behind us gleefully. The big guy was so happy, it was kind of hard to feel my usual level of pants shitting terror.

"THIS IS WHAT YOU DO EVERY DAY?!" Rarity shrieked.

"YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THE RESULTS!" I shouted back with a bright grin. Everyone else kept screaming, but I let my primal human instincts sing in my burning blood.

Maybe Equestria was in danger again. Maybe it was just some kind of prank by Celestia.

I guess we'd find out.

Author's Note

Sorry for it being late. It's getting crazy. I hope this makes you laugh though.

Grand Galloping Gala Part 3

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

After another morning of training, Twilight and I were reviewing some notes in the Carousel Boutique. Rarity and Spike were making some last minute adjustments to one of the dresses for the Grand Galloping Gala nearby. It was only a few days away, and our training was going very well. Even so, life was still going on and we still had other things to do.

Not that Twilight took any breaks. Yeah, I know, it was important. I was pushing myself hard too. The thing was, I knew how to manage my time better than she did.

At least I usually did.

Twilight hummed as she considered a map of the main ballroom of Canterlot Palace. I was alongside, holding up a red pen. Twilight preferred quills, but being an alien it was my right to utilize the obviously superior technology of my species.

No matter how annoyed she got about it.

“The best evacuation route is probably out into the gardens,” I said, pointing out the doors that led outside. Twilight hummed thoughtfully, tilting her head.

“Yes, I do remember the fire drill procedure for the palace. We had it every year. So we can get everypony out.” She squeezed her eyes shut, thinking hard. “Considering the average attendance of the Gala with the average safe speed of egress… We can empty the ballroom in approximately 55 seconds.”

“Almost a minute?” I asked, wincing. “That’s not good if we’re in the middle of a firefight.”

“We’ll focus on containment of any threat then,” she replied. “I’ve been practicing my magic shield spell.”

“If you can reverse gravity or something similar in an attacker’s vicinity, that would make things easier,” I suggested. Twilight beamed.

“Oh yes! I studied that spell in the Royal Library during the Spring Equinox Celebration!”

“Of course you did,” I deadpanned. Twilight flushed a bit.

“Well, I wasn’t as social back then,” she admitted.

Rarity’s ears perked up, and she turned away from the dress she was working on.

"Twilight, something just occurred to me,” she said. “You were in Canterlot when dear Shepherd was discovered, were you not? I mean, he appeared before that date, didn’t he?”

“Well of course I was!” Twilight huffed. “I’ve been at the Palace since I got my Cutie Mark!”

Rarity hummed thoughtfully, and looked over at Spike. She looked back at Twilight in curiosity.

"Then how did you and Spike never meet him?" She asked.

I blinked, and looked at Twilight. She was looking confused.

“I… Huh! Did we meet back then?” She asked. I frowned and thought back.

“I’m… Not sure. Then again, I was kind of overwhelmed with the whole ‘on an alien planet’ thing,” I admitted. “It kind of became a blur.”

Spike groaned.

“Of course you two met!” He insisted. “I remember the whole thing!”

“You do?” Twilight and I asked at the same time, looking at one another.

“Yeah!” Spike insisted.

Over one year ago...

So the Ponies hadn’t reached the Information Age just yet. Then again, having magic probably made the drive for technological advancement a lot less urgent. That said, I didn’t mind it too much. I love books: How they feel, how they smell, and they don’t hurt your eyes from staring at them for too long.

I’m easily pleased when it comes to information retention and transfer technologies.

My guide was Prince Blueblood, the nephew of the local God Queen, Princess Celestia. He was a bit snooty, but the moment we were out of sight of others he relaxed and became the chillest bro an alien monkey could have.

He gave me a smile as I gaped at the enormous extent of the Royal Canterlot Library.

Take the Austrian National Library and combine it with Minas Terith, and increase the size by about ten times, and you’ve got the Royal Canterlot Library. God, it was absolutely gorgeous.

“You’ll drool yourself into dehydration if you don’t close your mouth,” Blueblood observed. I shut my mouth and rubbed the back of my head sheepishly.

“Sorry,” I said. “It’s just… Amazing!”

“I’ll have to make sure you always have a chaperone,” the prince went on, amused, “otherwise you’ll get lost and never be found again.”

“Probably,” I agreed. I mean, it was a magical library of an alien species. This is the kind of thing an archaeologist would sell their children into slavery for!

We walked through the main foyer, into a study area where a few ponies were reading or talking softly at nearby tables. They all looked up and stared at me… But at Blueblood’s expression, they all quickly went back to what they were doing. I guess I’d have been staring too.

We went through beautifully sculpted halls covered in books to a balcony, with a picturesque view of the Canterlot Valley. I could see villages dotting the landscape, blending in with beautiful forests, fields and lakes as far as the eye could see. It was absolutely beautiful, the kind of view you’d see in a John Constable painting. I leaned against the parapet, watching some birds fly by.

“How much is a library card?” I asked. Blueblood chuckled.

“We’ll talk to the head librarian,” he said. “But again: You’re going to have somepony with you to keep you from becoming a book hermit.” He looked over to the left, and made a face. “Speaking of…”

I followed his gaze and spotted a small purple unicorn mare in another section of the library. At least, I think she was a unicorn-She was obscured by stacks of books on a large wooden table, only her rear half visible. Blueblood trotted over to the other side of the table, keeping the book barrier between himself and her. I followed, looking over the wall.

She was a unicorn, and she was busy reading through multiple books at once while writing down notes with her quill.

“This is Auntie's apprentice, Twilight Sparkle,” Blueblood explained. “Hello Twilight!"

“Blueblood,” Twilight returned in an utterly disinterested tone. “If you’re here to bother me, now is not a good time. Not that it ever is.”

"This is Andrew Shepherd,” Blueblood continued, nodding over at Shepherd, “he is a visitor from another planet."

I waved awkwardly.

“Hello,” I said.

This didn’t even make Sparkle look up. Her ears didn’t even twitch.

"That's very nice and I'm glad to meet you,” she stated, still not looking up at us, “I have a lot of work to do so... Go away."

Blueblood rolled his eyes.

"Gladly,” he said.

Okay, so she was rude. But hey, I was technically an ambassador of my species to the Ponies. I should try to be sociable.

“So, what are you studying?" I asked. “I mean, if you don’t mind telling me-”

“I do mind,” she replied, as unmoved as before. “They’re important things that I can't bother to explain to anypony right now. So please, go away."

Blueblood smirked. I sighed and shrugged.

"Okay...? Nice meeting you, I guess,” I replied.

Blueblood led me away from the bookworm pony, shaking his head.

"Charming, isn't she?” Blueblood asked dryly. I sighed.

"She's all set up to be Madam Pince, complete with an empty house full of pet cats,” I muttered. Sure I’d gotten the cold shoulder from plenty of ponies, but Princess Celestia had been nothing but kind, warm and understanding! How could her apprentice be so… Rude?

"I don't get that reference,” Blueblood said, “but Pince seems to sum it up nicely. Anyway, I'll show you my office. I have several interesting books on Equestrian history and politics that won't bore you to death like most of the volumes that prissy nag has."

I smothered a snicker. I grinned at my friend.

"Does it include how to use weather as a weapon?"

Blueblood grinned back.

"Several volumes of it! I also have whiskey."

"Bitchin', let's go."

I’d probably forget about Celestia’s rude apprentice in no time, with all the wonders of this world to explore. Also the alcohol would help.

Had I stayed a bit longer, I might have seen a little purple dragon watch us go. The little dragon rolled his eyes, and looked over at Twilight.

“That was a freaking alien, Twilight!” The little dragon cried.

“Sure thing Spike,” Twilight replied, “but I’m busy deciphering an ancient prophecy that might reveal when Equestria is doomed. So if you will go get me dinner?”

The dragon groaned.

In the present...

Twilight looked aghast, and turned her guilty eyes to me.

"Oh my gosh! Shepherd, I'm so sorry! I was so rude-!"

“Hey, hey! It’s okay!” I replied, holding my hands up. "I called you Madame Pince! I'm sorry!"

"Now now, what's done is done,” Rarity soothed. Twilight relaxed a bit. Spike rolled his eyes.

Rarity then hummed thoughtfully.

"Though of course,” she continued, “had Twilight properly met Shepherd, all of this romantic competition may not have popped up at all and everything would be smooth sailing between you two! Which would have been far more boring, honestly.”

"Come on Rarity!" I groaned, as Twilight’s jaw dropped.

Spike, with the air of an assistant who needed some catharsis, glared at his big sister.

"And maybe Twilight could have gotten laid and stopped spazzing out every five seconds,” he said.

"I DO NOT SPAZZ!” Twilight shouted. “And-And I'm not unhappy about how I was! I just regret it! Deeply! Okay so I am really unhappy!” She groaned, hooves on her face. She then paused and hummed thoughtfully.

“Although I could research a time spell and alter the-"

I sighed, pulled Twilight into my lap, and began to massage and cuddle her. She melted happily, reduced to soft whimpers and whinnies. I gave Spike and Rarity glares, as the two exchanged a hoof and fist bump.

"Seriously?” I asked.

"She needed to relax, desperately,” Rarity said.

“That’s how she is all the time!” I protested.

Author's Note

Yes we're still going! Just been busy and my muse has a lot of other interests. So hang in there!

Grand Galloping Gala Part 4

So, the night eventually came. In between a lot of other little misadventures. Involving some dragons, parasprites and all of the Elements of Harmony having a mental breakdown of some kind.

Fun times!

Oh God. All of us were the protectors of this world. Six mentally deranged ponies, a baby dragon, and me: An overgrown manchild alien without an ounce of magic in his blood who still dealt with shit like a moody teenager.

It was a wonder the planet hadn't been destroyed already.

Then again, most of the extraordinary men and women of my own planet were eccentric in one form or another. Maybe it just goes with the territory. Not that I thought of myself as extraordinary. At least on my own planet. I suppose the fact I was normal and able to hold down a steady job made me more likely to survive an apocalypse. Everybody needs a reliable person to fill out the paperwork for the marauding hordes of bikers and war boys.

Right, where was I? Oh yes.

We had gathered at Rarity's boutique, to get our gala wear on and to get prepared for the carriage ride up to Canterlot. Rarity seemed to be taking the longest amount of time on my clothing, which was wearing on my nerves. I stared at myself in the mirror, dressed in some green suit with a pink shirt and silver accents. I shook my head and sighed as Rarity poked me with her needles.

"Are we going to be done any time soon?" I asked in irritation. Rarity beamed up at me, and winked. She used her magic to run a brush over my hair.

"Just a moment," she sing songed. "Now then... One... Two... And there you go!" She backed away. She trotted over to the door to the main lobby. "Come along! Come along!"

I sighed again. I looked over the sleeves.

"Thank you for not making this too... Frou frou," I said in distaste. Rarity narrowed her eyes.

"What do you mean by 'frou frou', Shepherd?" She asked in a dangerous tone. I sighed and turned around, inspecting myself in the mirror.

"Well, no lace, no hearts, no frilly cuffs or collars," I said. I smiled at her in genuine sincerity. "I could have done without the pink, but it looks... Wonderful! Hell, it feels wonderful!"

"You're welcome darling," Rarity said, all smiles. "And for your information, you look wonderful in pink!"

"I do not," I grumbled. Rarity rolled her eyes.

"You do," she said. "I will prove it. Come along, come along!"

I sighed and stepped off the platform. I walked to the doors, and Rarity opened them with a flare of magic. I walked out in elegant boots, secretly pleased that my long coattails seemed to flare dramatically behind me perfectly.

Like you wouldn't enjoy it, you hypocritical nerds.

The rest of our party was waiting for us. Spike was looking smart in his tuxedo and tophat, puffed up with all the pride of a school boy going to his first prom. The rest were... Well! They were quite beautiful, each in their own ways. Fluttershy's dress was much like the dress she'd worn for our date, but it seemed... Tighter. She was looking more confident though as she stared. Not unusual, as every eye was soon on me.

"Wow Shepherd!" Dash said, winking, "looking good-For a nerd! But I can fix that in a jiffy! Those clothes look great but they'd look better-!"

"On your bedroom floor, yes," I said dryly, and Dash pouted. I felt someone goose me from behind!

"ACK!" I shouted, jumping. Pinkie Pie laughed, bouncing out from behind me with a grin.

"Looking sexy, Shepherd~!" She said cheerfully. She wiggled her hips. "How about me~? Wanna make me into a Cream Pie?"

I sighed and covered my face.

"Anyone else want to sexually harass me?" I asked. "Go ahead, get it out of your systems."

"Ahll enjoy ridin' you all the way to Apploosa~," Applejack crooned and winked. I looked over at Twilight, who was blushing bright red. She opened her mouth.

"Ah... I... Did you tire yourself... Falling from heaven... Because you've been falling through my mind... All day...?" She smiled awkwardly. I sighed, reached out, and rubbed her head.

"You're so adorkable," I said. Twilight's eyes crossed as she trembled.

"Ooooh," she groaned. I blinked a few times.

"Uh..." I managed, "Twilight, you okay?"

"J-Just fiiiine," she warbled, shaking. Fluttershy trotted up to her, and bucked her aside with her shapely bottom. She then looked up and smiled, turning bright red.

"Um... Y-You look... Wonderful, Shepherd," she managed. I smiled, and scratched her head. Fluttershy moaned happily. Applejack sighed, and held back Twilight as she tried to buck her back.

"Now now, let's remember the real reason fer this night's festivities," Applejack said.

"YES!" Pinkie Pie cried. "To have a wonderful evening at the best party EVER! And to get laid!"

"No!" I shouted. Twilight shook herself out of whatever fit she'd suffered, and nodded furiously.

"Yes! Yes! We're going to protect Princess Celestia and save Equestria!" She cried.

"Well, maybe you aren't gonna get laid," Dash snorted, resting her front hooves on my shoulders. I sighed heavily.

"Come on! Let's go," I ordered. I grabbed onto Twilight's horn and led her off, making her eyes cross again. "We're going to be late!"

"Y-Yes, late," Twilight mumbled dreamily. Pinkie snorted.

"She's getting closer to getting laid than us!" She accused. I rolled my eyes.

"Sure she is," I grumbled. "Next you'll tell me my sweat is an aphrodisiac for mares."

"Ahahahaha, how silly that is!" Rarity giggled, altogether nervously, as Spike escorted her out by the claw. "Also, Shepherd! I just recalled: I have a business proposition for you after the Gala! Cologne! I think you'll like it!"

"That's... A strange segueway but sure?" I managed. I shook my head again as we went out to the carriage. "I'm getting merchandized and marketed more than Mickey Mouse, I may as well become a total corporate sell out. All that's left is the rap album."

"Can I be the hype dragon?" Spike asked happily, from the coachmen's bench. I shrugged.

"Why not?"

"Oh yes, it will be wonderful!" Rarity cried, as we all piled into the carriage.

"Let Operation This Will Most Likely End Badly commence," I said. Spike cleared his throat outside.

"LET'S GO GUYS!" He shouted to the stallions pulling the carriage.

Fluttershy very assertively pushed herself into my lap, as Twilight tried to fight her for it. I sighed and leaned back. It was going to be a long night.

Author's Note

And to quote the Heath Ledger Joker, here... We... Go.

Grand Galloping Gala Part 5

So. Like any civilization, the Equestrians put a lot of pomp and circumstance into their big to dos. And the Grand Galloping Gala was the biggest to do for the upper crust of their civilization. The gardens surrounding the Canterlot Palace were alight with magical flowers blooming in the starlight. There was music everywhere. Tables groaned with pretentious (and sometimes even good) food. Every pony was in their very best clothing.

Which given that most of them went around nude, meant that clothing was very much a status thing. Also a good way to tell a lot of them apart. Honestly, some of them looked like they were copy and pasted by lazy animators.

Was that racist? I don’t know. I wasn’t particularly good at identifying earth horses. I’ll think about it later.

Our carriage arrived at the front gates, and I let the mares get out first. They trotted off, getting into some kind of elegant order Rarity dictated. I kindly helped Spike get off the top of the carriage to the ground, which he thanked me for with a grin.

“Well then!” Rarity cried happily, assuming her position at the front of our little entourage, “Shall we?”

“Come on, come on already!” Rainbow Dash urged, looking impatient. “That trip was so slow!”

“Anticipation needs build up, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity scolded, to which the unrepentant pegasus just stuck her tongue out. “And don’t do that!”

“Come on, come on, we’ve got a job to do!” Twilight said encouragingly. “After all…”

I heard the music swell, and I groaned. I stood back towards the carriage as another musical number began. Spike looked up at me curiously, and I shook my head as the ponies broke into another spontaneous, and oddly choreographed, dance.

“I hate it when that happens,” I explained to the young dragon. Spike grimaced.

“They’re not that bad!” He insisted.

“It’s still weird,” I insisted. “It’s like something puppeteers you. I don’t like it. Makes me think of this one Buffy episode.”

Spike furrowed his brows before shaking his head and scampering off ahead.

“I’m gonna dance with Rarity! You sulk here until it’s done!” he said over his shoulder.

“I am not sulking,” I grumbled. “It’s a silent protest of free will.”

“Sulking!” Spike shouted back.

I rolled my eyes.

Thankfully the song was relatively short. I rejoined my companions as we walked and trotted up to the huge front gates. The entire palace was lit up like it was Christmas, with fireworks erupting behind it to frame the shining stars and moon. The entire spectacle could probably be seen for miles around.

Which was probably the point.

Now that she was in more familiar surroundings, Twilight seemed to grow more confident.

“All right,” she said, “everypony remember the plan?”

“For the last time, yes,” Dash grumbled. She glared at Twilight. “The Princess better really be in danger, ya know!”

“Come on Rainbow Dash!” Twilight huffed, “she’s my mentor! She has no ulterior motives for this entire situation!”

“Well I wouldn’t go that far,” I muttered. Twilight shook her head.

“Everything is going to go perfectly,” she said, a skip in her steps.

We walked through the voluminous entry hall. The carpets were red, the marble shone like it had been scrubbed clean with power sanders, and ponies of every sort milled about and talked in front of expensive looking sculptures and paintings.

Our destination was at the other end: There was Princess Celestia, resplendent in a rather modest looking dress the color of rose quartz, standing atop a long staircase with a smile on her face as she greeted the many, many ponies coming into the palace proper.

Her eyes lit up and her smile grew just a bit brighter when she caught sight of us. The group of ponies that had just gotten done greeting her were encouraged to get a move on by a few Royal Guards, leaving our path clear.

Well, save for a few official looking ponies lingering around the stairs. All looking a bit uncomfortable.

We walked up in front of her, and bowed.

Well I gave a respectful salute. I am technically a member of their armed forces, after all. Plus, I’m still American and an alien.

“Welcome to the Gala, my little ponies, dragon, and human,” Celestia greeted us warmly. Rarity gave me a rather unladylike jab in my thigh, and I stood up straighter.

“Ahem,” I said, taking a few steps forward. I extended my hand.

“Your Majesty,” I said, “I am honored to have been chosen to escort you for the evening.”

Celestia’s smile widened just a bit more, and she seemed more relaxed.

“The honor is mine, Ser Shepherd,” she replied. She extended her hoof and I took it in my hand.

I bent my head down and kissed her hoof grieve thing. I know there’s a technical term for it, but it just escaped me at the moment.

I could hear a few ponies gasp nearby. Twilight’s eyes went wide, as did Rarity’s. I consciously ignored this and stood up to look back into the princess’s eyes. Her smile was a bit mirthful, and there was a tinge of red on her cheeks.

“... Well! Shall we get started?” I asked. If I’d made a faux pas, I wanted to move past it as quickly as possible.

Celestia nodded.

“Of course! But first, my dear student,” Celestia said with a smile directed solely at Twilight, “I have a surprise for you. I unfortunately cannot give you as much time as I would like at this Gala, but I know somepony who has missed you terribly.”

“You do?” Twilight asked, blinking. Celestia moved to the side, and a tall, white unicorn in red uniform trotted up. His mane was blue and his eyes were kind. He smiled warmly at Twilight, and she returned the expression with a grin.

“Shiny!” She cried, trotting up to nuzzle the big guy. He laughed and hugged her back, then immediately cleared his throat and got back into his previous stance.

“Lady Twilight Sparkle, a pleasure,” he said, still grinning.

Twilight immediately pulled Shining down the steps. She gestured excitedly to me.

“This is-Oh! This is-!”

“Shining,” I said with a nod to the older unicorn. Shining nodded back.

“Shepherd,” he replied evenly.

Twilight winced in the sudden, stark silence.

“Oh… So you’ve met?” She asked.

I shrugged, and allowed, “A few times.”

“Quite memorably,” Shining agreed stoically.

The silence continued as Twilight looked back and forth between us. She probably just realized that the odd alien that she loved was… Well not exactly an enemy of her big brother, but definitely someone who had yelled at him a lot over national defense. I cleared my throat, but said nothing. Shining worked his jaw.

Celestia beamed and lifted her wing up against my back.

“Well! Let’s get to the Gala proper, shall we?” She said cheerfully. “Come along, Ser Shepherd! If you will?”

“Certainly,” I said. I reached out to take her hoof. Her telekinesis redirected my hand towards her back. Mentally I shrugged, and I walked alongside her as we headed through the huge grand doors into the palace ballroom. The rest of my friends headed off to their own goals, but we’d all stay in contact.

I’d wandered in here a few times when I’d been held in the palace. Let’s be honest, the place was huge and easy to get lost in. But the ballroom was quite beautiful. High vaulted ceilings colored in warm pinks, oranges and light reds, with banners of blue and purple stretching between the pillars. Magic can allow for very impressive architecture.

There was a stage where pony musicians played soothing classical music. I could see Octavia among them playing her cello, and smiled. She really was amazing if she got a gig for this.

“Thank you for rescuing me,” Celestia murmured in low tones, between her smiling teeth. I kept up my own diplomatic smile as we waded through the gala participants, who parted like the Red Sea for the Princess and her escort.

“Usually that’s something you say at the end of the night,” I replied softly.

“If only,” she replied, and I almost thought I heard a repressed chuckle.

If she was this nervous, perhaps Twilight was correct in thinking there was danger.

“So,” I said conversationally as we passed by the large buffet table covered in ice sculptures, “where’s Luna? I mean, most fun parties are held at night nowadays, so why isn’t she here?”

“That implies this will be fun,” Celstia stopped in front of the punch bowl, and a pair of cups scooped up the drink, before one hovered in front of me.

“Well, one has to sometimes make fun,” I said, taking one of the glasses with a grateful smile. I sipped it. I raised an eyebrow at the taste.

“Not to your liking, Ser Shepherd?” The Princess asked.

“No, it’s just a bit bland,” I said. “Awfully floral, too.”

Not a drop of alcohol I could taste. Citrus predominated, with jasmine and rose. Not something I was used to at all, but not bad. Just… odd. A species thing, probably.

Celestia allowed herself a small smile. “The spells around the bowl prevent putting in anything other than punch, I’m afraid,” she sighed. “I’ve tried to make my own fun on occasion.”

The princess spiking her own punch bowl? I couldn’t help a grin, one she returned knowingly.

“Your Majesty!”

Celestia’s smile went back to being a bit rigid as she turned and politely nodded to a tall, pale unicorn with a black mane and pointed beard. He was dressed in the finest of black silks, and carried himself like his skeleton was made of steel. He eyed me with a cold, hard expression, sharp as obsidian.

“Chancellor Neigh-Say, leader of the Traditionalist Party in our Parliament,” she said, by way of introduction, “this is Ser Andrew Shepherd, the Human Knight.”

“Yes. Our celebrity alien,” Neigh-Say said in a tone that almost sounded neutral, save for the hint of ground teeth at the end of his sentence. “It is… Good to meet you finally.”

“Charmed,” I replied, trying for my best welcoming smile. I extended a hand, which the Chancellor stared at for a time. After realizing he wasn’t going to do anything, I pulled my hand back. Celestia’s smile seemed just a tiny bit brittle.

“It is good to see you out and about,” Celestia said kindly, “after the injuries you suffered defending your household during the Thicket Crisis.”

“Well, it wasn’t anything that a few cutting spells couldn’t deal with,” Neigh-Say replied modestly. “As well as some of our finest guards.”

I wondered if I should make myself inconspicuous as the two began talking about houses and politics and other things I really had no idea about. I instead leaned back against the punch bowl table, sipping the fruity drink while watching the Chancellor. He seemed more than a little tense around me, shooting little glances my way like I’d suddenly attack at any moment.

“... Something I believe may interest the human… Ser Shepherd,” Neigh-Say said. I blinked, and nodded.

“Of course, it sounds interesting,” I managed. Crap, what had he been babbling about? Whatever it was, Celestia herded me along to follow the chancellor through the crowd towards a hallway adjacent to the main ballroom. There were several little exhibits on small pedestals and several ponies all observing them with mild curiosity.

My eyes widened as I spotted a suit of armor standing on one of the pedestals.

A human-shaped suit of armor.

“Chancellor Neigh-Say’s family has kindly donated several relics of ancient humans to us,” Celestia said with a smile. “Things his forebears collected.”

“They were taking up space and seeing how we now have a… Human among us,” Neigh-Say said in a forcedly neutral tone, “I felt it wise to educate the public on your ancient race.”

“Oh, well, thank you,” I managed.

I walked up closer to the plate armor, making out individual details. The primary color was dark blue, with a dark red heart across the chest and a few similarly colored highlights across the grieves and the shin guards. The helmet looked Greek, like a hoplite’s helmet, which was weird on full plate armor. It even had a feathered mohawk atop it, of pure white feathers. It bore a circular shield on one arm, and a fine golden spear in the opposing glove.

“I’m no expert, but that looks quite fine. How did it come to be here?” I asked.

“According to legend, it was used by Daniel the Brave,” Neigh-Say snorted, “one of the three Williams Siblings. The first Human Guardians of Ponykind, when we dwelt in Dream Valley.”

“The feathers are probably from Lady Surprise, his closest pegasus friend and comrade,” Celestia took over, smiling almost impishly. “And according to later stories, his wife and lover.”

Neigh-Say looked vaguely disgusted at that assertion. I managed to hide my smile at that by studying the armor closely.

“Fascinating,” I said honestly. “I really must borrow a few books on that time from Twilight Sparkle.”

“Mostly fairy tales,” Neigh-Say snorted. He shook his head as he trotted up alongside the Princess. “The humans of legend were seen quite differently as time went on. Especially as they conquered and enslaved ponies and other species for their dirty work.”

“Megan the Magnificent did save us from Tirek, Neigh-Say,” Celestia reminded him patiently. Again the chancellor huffed.

“And then we saved ourselves when he enslaved us, without any humans to protect or aid us!” He replied. He gave me a glare. “It seems they failed us when we needed them the most, and we stood on our own. Perhaps they weren’t needed at all.”

“Well, you certainly have done well for yourselves since then,” I tried diplomatically.

He eyed me and nodded. “It wasn’t easy, but we’ve become a great civilization.” He gave me an intense expression. “Yours still has many issues.”

“Which one?” I asked. I was curious how they even knew of my civilization, and unless we had formed a world government since I left, there were several hundred countries he could be talking about.

“Your artifacts tell the tale!” Neigh-Say harrumphed. He pointed to another case, where a machine gun was on full display. “You fight amongst yourselves. It is written in every book and every weapon that has crossed over from your world to ours. To fight against enemy species is one thing, but you fight and kill yourselves!”

Oh god. They had the Ape shall not Kill Ape thing going on here. Or Pony shall not kill Pony, I guess.

“I’d be interested in seeing how moral you would be if ponies were the only sapient species on this world. We haven’t had significant external threats to test us, bind us together from time to time. Like the Thicket Crises.” I tried to keep my tone dry. Humans could be horrible, but I didn’t like being moralized at by someone who was ignorant of the details.

Neigh-Say’s nostrils flared, but Celestia trotted up to my side. She smiled gently.

“I believe both our species have a great deal to learn from the other,” she said, “and there’s no need to act like we’re flawless ourselves, Neigh-Say. It’s only a matter of watching parliamentary proceedings to see that.”

Neigh-Say grimaced, but nodded slowly.

“As you wish, Your Majesty,” he said. He gave me a tiny nod. “Ser Shepherd. If you will excuse me.”

“You’re excused,” Celestia said with a smile. The Chancellor stomped off, shooting me dirty looks over his shoulder every so often. I returned them with a cheerful smile and a cheeky wave.

“I thought politicians were supposed to pretend to like their constituents,” I murmured to her.

“He doesn’t get voted for, directly. His position is voted on by a group of elected… You probably don’t want to know, and I definitely don’t want to go through it now. I also don’t think he thinks of you as a constituent,” Celestia sighed.

“Yeah, I figured that,” I said wryly. “Still, there’s a big difference between our worlds. A really good human politician would lie to my face and assassinate my character behind my back. Or on Facebook.”

Celestia bit down a small laugh.

“Your world sounds so wonderfully strange, the more you talk about it,” she said. She looked back up at the armor of Daniel the Brave. “I feel like I’m hearing stories about the Ancient Humans again.”

I gaped at her in surprise. She beamed at me.

“I was a foal once myself,” she said.

“It’s… Just hard to imagine it,” I admitted. “But it is very, very cute. Did you have a nanny who read you and Luna stories?”

“We called him Starswirl, but yes,” Celestia chuckled.

We wandered through the exhibition to an open space, underneath a domed roof that shone magical light down onto it. That seemed to be the centerpiece of Neigh-Say’s little exhibit. I had to admit, it was quite impressive. Given the hard industrial lines, boxy shape, and deadly weapons mounted on its huge turret, it definitely hadn’t come from around here.

I could feel Celestia’s curious look, and I smiled at her.

“That’s a... Bradley fighting vehicle? Or definitely some flavor of armored personnel carrier,” I explained. “A troop transport for combat.”

“With powerful weapons on the turret, I see,” Celestia observed. “To support the troops?”

“Basically,” I said. I patted the side of the large vehicle. “Not that this will be doing any of that. Unless you have a lot of diesel fuel for it.”

“Not a bit,” Celestia said. “Still. I’m sure if we need a means of improving Canterlot’s defenses, you’ll be able to use it properly to protect us.”

I gave her a smile and a wink.

“I think I can handle things on my own, but good to know,” I said. I lowered my voice a little bit more. “By the way, the whole hoof kissing thing. Did I embarrass you or myself?”

Celestia winked.

“Not at all,” she said. “Though don’t you think you are rushing into the consort role? Whatever will Twilight think?”

I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes.

I turned to face her fully, and raised my mostly empty glass with a charming smile. “Rushing? Not at all. And how could Twilight stand in the way of destiny? Can’t you sense it? We’re fated to be together. Why else would I have crossed realities to be here in front of you?”

Celestia watched me a moment in silence, before covering her mouth with her hoof. “Pfff- Clearly- Hee hee- I was wrong to knight you, for I’ve stolen the greatest new talent away from the theater.”

“I didn’t roll off the turnip truck yesterday, Your Majesty. I can recognize a sendup. Now seriously, how did I mess up court etiquette?”

“The kiss to the hoof is something only for ambassadors or others of a noble rank above Knight,” Celestia explained gently. She winked. “Shall I arrange for your promotion? There are many ways to do so. Marrying nobility, for instance.”

That wasn’t going to happen. “I am the only human. Should you ever open communications with Earth, I would be honored to be an ambassador,” I suggested wryly.

I don’t know why. Sometimes, I’m solution oriented. Even when I shouldn’t fix the problem.

“I’m not sure whether I should be worried that you want to keep kissing my hoof, or insulted that you don’t want to marry into our nobility.” Her smile remained steady, taking any heat out of her words.

“Don’t be. Well… Not yet, anyway,” I said with a shrug.

It was, after all, essentially the same problem. Besides, there was a much bigger problem to deal with.

“Please tell me you didn’t just ask me to this event just to inquire about my romantic pursuits,” I said, leaning casually against the Bradley fighting vehicle. I reached up to scratch at my cheek, coincidentally hiding the movement of my lips. “After all, surely there are more important things to talk about.”

I gave her a warm smile, eyebrows raised. She was over a thousand years old, she had to know about secret codes and skullduggery. She ran a royal court for God’s sake, she had to be familiar with intrigue.

Celestia chuckled softly, ruffling her feathers softly.

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe how important your romantic pursuits are!” She said. “I was despairing of Twilight ever opening up to anypony. Yet she’s opened up to you.” She hummed thoughtfully. “Perhaps she has a thing for males of other species.”

I blinked. If this was code… I looked around, but could find no Griffons, Caribou, Diamond Dogs… Was I thick, or was she not even…?

“Yes, well, other species have their own… Issues,” I said. “After all, they can be prickly. Difficult. Some see war as politics by other means. Or politics as war by other means.”

Celestia laughed, almost musically.

“I look forward to learning more about the issues of your species, as you learn about ours,” she said warmly.

Okay, this might be a lot harder than I thought...

Author's Note

Part one, and we meet Neigh-Say! Here we go!

Grand Galloping Gala 6

Okay, so maybe I needed to be less subtle about my intentions with the gala. All right then. Celestia probably had like, what, fifty different schemes going on at any one time? Some centuries old? Maybe she was a little overwhelmed. Or my clumsy attempts at being subtle were flying over her head, since she might think that only an idiot would be that bad at being subtle.

I held my glass up to my lips, and leaned against the armored vehicle with as casual an expression as I could put on my face.

"So," I began, "was there anything in particular you wanted to discuss? Something... Of import?"

Celestia smiled, tilting her head cutely.

"Mm? You seem to be fishing for something," Celestia said, "is there anything on your mind in particular?"

This was getting us nowhere. I held back a sigh, and sipped my punch.

"You chose me as your escort for a reason beyond fun, right?" I murmured softly, but she could definitely hear me. "You didn't just do it to troll everypony?"

"It was a thought," Celestia admitted, as the sounds of the party continued around us, "but I also wanted someone I could trust. And someone who wouldn't use the opportunity for political advantage." Her smile grew. "And I like you very much, too."

I couldn't help but blush slightly at her frank expression. I smiled back.

"I... Like you too," I said. I looked to the side.

Out of all the beings I've met on this world, Princess Celestia is... Well, she's really special. Not just because of her strength and power, but her kindness. She was genuine, wise, and very understanding. She played political games, naturally, but always for the right reasons and the right goals. And she was never afraid to show vulnerability when it was needed.

I still remember the days I was brought to Canterlot. After recovering from my ordeal, I was taken to the palace. I met... Her. She was so warm and gentle, and when she promised to do everything in her power to find me a way home, I believed her.

Though when she said she literally moved the sun, I was pretty skeptical.

Celestia actually enjoyed demonstrating it. Kind of like an eager child, happy to show her skill off. Not to brag, but to share the wonder. And seeing the incredible power of her sun, protected by her magic... It's not something I can put into worlds. It was transcendent, beyond anything I can describe. Like touching the sun and seeing the heavenly furnace burn.

I also remembered the day that she came to my quarters. Celestia was sad, and solemn. I remembered swallowing back tears, as she said that despite all their best efforts... They couldn't find a way to send me home.

She... She apologized to me. I didn't know what else to do but cry. And she just held me, as I cried harder than I ever had before. She just held me, staying with me. She was a goddamned princess who had to run a nation, and yet... She stayed with me.

Comforted me, because I needed it.

A frail, stupid, lonely human.

I'll never forget that act of kindness. It was something I still held onto, and something I would always cherish.

I shook my head, bringing myself back to the present. I gave her a warm smile.

"Which is why I want to do everything I can to help you," I said.

Celestia's cheeks dimpled, and despite her age, her eyes shone like a happy young girl's. Before she could reply though, Shining Armor trotted up. He gave the Princess a concerned look.

"Your Majesty, we have a situation," Shining reported. Celestia sighed softly, and nodded.

"Just a moment, Shepherd," Celestia said. I nodded. and leaned back against the armored vehicle. I finished my punch off, as Shining looked back over his shoulder at me.

For a moment, I could have sworn I saw a flash of green in his eyes, and on his horn. What was that about?

I stretched my arms up over my head, about to yawn... When the armored vehicle began to rumble behind me. I yelped, and stumbled forward. I looked up and back, my eyes widening.

"What the...?!"

The turret turned, and the gun pointed right up at Celestia. My jaw dropped as I heard something spin up in the turret.

I didn't know if Celestia could tank a shot from an autocannon, but I wasn't inclined to find out. I just ran, and screamed.

"FIRE! LOOK OUT!"

I slammed into Celestia from behind, trying to get her out of the way. She was surprised... But only for an instant.

RATATATATATATATATA-!

The cannon opened up, and ponies screamed and ran... But pink and golden magic shields erupted from Celestia and Shining's horns, protecting them all. Me especially, as I clung to the princess tightly. Ponies fled, but not in a panic: But they were ushered out the windows and doors of the ballroom.

I allowed myself a small smile.

Just like we planned...

I turned to face the armored vehicle, as its engine began to rumble and come alive. Twilight teleported in right next to me, as Dash zipped up. Applejack ran up, as did Rarity. Pinkie Pie bounced in, and Fluttershy burst in from the gardens nearby, looking disheveled.

"I guess we know what's up now," Dash quipped.

"Right, how do we take this thing down?" Twilight asked.

"Lightning, and lots of it, if we can get it ungrounded!" I shouted.

The armored fighting vehicle then... Seemed to split. Its treads twisted, and expanded, until the vehicle had four legs it stood upon like a spider. It waved several metallic tentacles, formed from pipes and wires.

"Woah! How did it do that?!" Applejack shouted.

"IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO!" I shouted back, as it opened fire!

Author's Note

Yes, I know, been a while. Blame my muse.

Flim Flam 1

I did not trust the Flim and Flam brothers. I did not trust them as far as I could throw them, and despite my recent gains in weight lifting, I wasn't that strong.

Unfortunately, it wasn't easy to find their origins. Equestria didn't have an internet, or even phones. That said, being a knight and a national hero did open certain doors. There were references to a pair of red maned twins who were fast talking salesponies who had appeared in a town named Bitspur, which was about an hour north of Canterlot. Chewie thankfully was up for the trip. I got him some deer though, that made him happy.

The town was small but nice. It was laid out in a circular pattern, with numerous little houses and farms radiating out from a central marketplace. I brought Chewie in for a landing on the outskirts. No need to frighten the general populace. He was actually happy to not go into the town: He hated being in enclosed places.

I walked in on foot, my boots pounding the dirt road. I walked into the central area of the town, where several ponies were walking around and going about their business. Several of them looked at me, curious. One foal even had an action figure of me, and was grinning happily. His mother, however, pulled him away from me.

I made it to the local watering hole, and slowly entered. I got lots of looks from the residents. I walked over to the bartender, and sat down at the bar. The bartender, a large stallion with an eyepatch over one eye, regarded me warily.

"What'll you have?" He asked. I shrugged.

"Hard cherry cider. Neat," I said. The stallion slid me a glass, and I caught it. I sipped it, savoring the taste. It wasn't bad, but I preferred Applejack's.

"What brings you around here, stranger?" The bartender asked. I could feel every eye and ear focused on me. I shrugged.

"Flim and Flam Brothers," I said. "What do you know about them?"

The bartender sighed as numerous ponies grumbled, growled and spat behind me.

"If you want to take it out of their hide, it's not worth it," he said, "they're long gone."

"Out of their hide?" I asked, confused. Well slightly confused.

"Let me guess, they stole yer money and now you want to get it back?" The bartender asked in a deadpan.

"They stole my trust fund!" One unicorn shouted angrily.

"They stole my silver earrings!" An Earth mare bellowed.

"They stole my cider recipe!" A pegasus wailed.

Well, good to know my suspicious and paranoid nature had paid off. I held my hands up.

"I'm not out for revenge or for a pay day," I said, "just information about them."

The bartender snorted, and gestured out the door.

"The shack at the end of town by the rail line. You want to know anything, go there," the bartender stated.

I held back a groan. I'd just walked from that way.

"Thank you," I said. I dropped several gold bits on the bar. The bartender raised his eyebrows.

"They ripping off minotaurs now?" He asked.

I smiled wryly.

"Something like that," I said.

The shack was actually harder to find than I thought it would be. It turned out it was in the middle of a junkyard off the train station. There were piles of scrap metal, spare parts, even some railroad cars and a locomotive rusting away. The shack was in the middle of the junkyard, with several recently cobbled together additions. I walked up to the front door, and knocked on it.

There was an ominous click behind me.

"All right! Hooves up!" Barked an old stallion's voice. I complied slowly. "Now turn around!"

I slowly turned around and looked at my captor. He was a pale furred stallion, tall and slim, with long legs. He had a fading red mane and mustache, and dressed in a threadbare turtleneck sweater-Almost the spitting image of Flim and Flam. His cutie mark was of a pair of gears and a wrench. He had a box strapped to his chest, out of which was a ventilated barrel. One of his hooves was on a crank connected to the box. He glared at me through half-moon spectacles.

"Who are you?" The old stallion demanded. "What are you doing on my property?!"

I took a deep breath.

"I am Ser Andrew Shepherd, Knight of Equestria," I said, "and I'm here to ask you some questions, Mister...?"

The stallion glared, unmoved.

"Doohickey. Now get out!" He yelled.

Chewie peeked up over the top of a nearby locomotive. I slowly nodded to my bro.

"I'm here to ask about Flim and Flam, Mister Doohickey," I said calmly. "I'm investigating them. I'm not here to do anything else."

Doohickey seethed.

"And why should I help you?" He demanded.

Chewie roared, and the old stallion jumped and stumbled. I leaped the distance between us, and grabbed the gun box! I wrestled it off him, and tossed it aside. Doohickey started, and nearly cowered. Chewie growled, sniffing loudly. I frowned.

"What do you mean someone else is here?" I asked.

"No! Nopony else is here!" Doohickey cried.

"Grandpa?"

I turned, and a small filly trotted out of the shack's front door. She had pale fur like Doohickey, and long limbs. Her mane though was blue, as was her tail. That wasn't what made me gasp though.

Her right front leg was artificial, made of silvery metal. Her left eye was a lens, with a metallic plate covering the side of her face down to her muzzle. Her spine had metallic bracing all along it, down to her tail, which was short and made of clearly fake hair. She had no cutie mark.

"Don't take her-Please," Doohickey cried, "she's done nothing-!"

Okay, trying to be diplomatic and coy wasn't working. I groaned and glared at Doohickey.

"Look! I'm not here to hurt anyone!" I shouted. "Or take your granddaughter! But Flim and Flam are trying to exploit my friends, and I want to stop them! For good!"

Doohickey stared at me, silent. He then let out a low sigh.

"I see," he said. I backed away from him, and he nodded to me. He trotted over to the little filly, and wrapped a foreleg around her.

"It's a long story," he admitted, as the filly hid behind him slightly. "This is Music Box. She is my granddaughter... And Flim's daughter." He sighed. "I am their father... You'd better come in."

He eyed Chewie. Chewie snorted, and growled. I waved my hand.

"Don't worry," I said, "he's not very keen on the indoors."

"I can't imagine why," Doohickey said dryly.

Author's Note

Hey, I realized I entitled this "Short Hand". As in, short stories. Yet I keep writing things into epics. So I'm gonna keep things a bit short for this arc. And a different take on the Flim Flam Brothers.

Flim Flam 2

The story was long. It was heartbreaking.

Above all else though? It made me angry.

It was an anger that grew as I brought Doohickey and Music Box along for the return trip via Chewie.

While my manticore brother may not have understood the full context of the story, he got the gist. His rage fueled my own and he made double time.

I prayed that Applejack hadn't let her stubborn pride get the best of her... But I was wrong as we came in for a landing near the cider stand by Sweet Apple Acres.

The crowd of ponies there was watching in shock as Flim and Flam gloated loudly about their victory to the Apple family, the Element holders included.

"A deal's a deal, Lady Applejack!" Flam laughed from atop the Super Squeezy Whatever 6000. "The farm is ours! Your titles are ours!"

I hopped off Chewie's back, and stormed through the crowd of ponies. Dash spotted me immediately, and made to intercept. She probably guessed at my intentions and was trying to hold me back.

She didn't make it.

Flam looked up at me with a smug grin as I towered over him.

"Well well! Hello Mister Human!" He said cheerfully. "Seems you're a bit late-"

I slugged him right in his stupid face, enjoying the feel of his teeth violently leaving his mouth. The unicorn fell back in shock and pain, as Flim gasped.

"ASSAULT!" He bellowed as I seized him by his stupid vest. "ASSAULT-GACK!"

I slammed the unicorn's head into the ground and would have stomped his skull flat if Twilight, Big Macintosh and Dash hadn't grabbed me and pulled me back.

Flim struggled up to his hooves and glared at me as Flam whimpered on the ground.

"Mayor Mare!" He bellowed to the shocked politician in the crowd, "arrest this ape! He's mad! He's violent-!"

"Mayor Mare," I stated, as calmly as I could while Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy joined in holding me back, "these stallions are conartists, liars, thieves and guilty of manslaughter! Or pony slaughter! Place them under arrest!"

"Those are serious charges, Ser Shepherd," the Mayor spoke, as the crowd murmured and gasped. "Have you any proof?"

"Plenty," I snarled. "Mister Doohickey!"

Doohickey trotted up, Music Box alongside in a cloak. The old unicorn glared at his sons. His sons stared back in slowly dawning recognition and horror.

"Hello colts," Doohickey stated, his cold rage and disappointment radiating like the sun, "remember me?"

"Oh buck," Flam whimpered through his broken teeth.

Doohickey trotted up in front of the crowd, Music Box pressed tight against his side. The old unicorn looked around at his audience, gathering his courage. Finally, he began to speak

"I am Doohickey, an engineer of Bitspur," he began. "My wife Blueberry Malt died in foal birth, and I raised my sons-Flim and Flam-on my own. I was busy, working for the railroad and on my own projects. I wanted to give my colts the best life I could, so I worked. Constantly. Everything I did, I did for them. To create inventions that would make life better for everypony."

He sucked in a deep breath, shuddering just a bit in shame and grief, before he continued.

"I failed," he said. "I didn't teach them anything I should have. I neglected them. They learned only what they needed to in order to con and deceive ponies into giving them what they wanted. I did what I could, but I was blind to their true natures. I thought they would grow up. I was wrong."

He looked at everybody, before his eyes locked onto his sons. Flam was more composed while Flim glared back.

"I went out of the house to get supplies. I came back just in time to hear an argument between my colts and a mare. Summer Breeze," he growled, and Flim winced.

"They had left her with foal. She had brought the foal and demanded Flim marry her. He refused. There was a scuffle..." he closed his eyes. "An explosion... I was knocked out. When I came to, my house was a burning wreck. All my inventions and money were gone. And Summer Breeze was dead... Her body wrapped around her mortally wounded foal!"

Gasps and cries left the crowd, as more anger was directed at the twin brothers. Twilight let me go, as did my other friends. Doohickey sucked in another breath.

"I did what I could for her. But my money was gone. The local townsponies blamed me for my sons' misdeeds. I took a job at the junkyard and did everything I could for my grandfoal... My Music Box."

Doohickey looked down at Music Box. The filly gulped, sniffled... Then pulled her cloak down. Many ponies gasped in horror and shock. Twilight glared at the twins. Applejack and her family seethed.

Flam clopped his front hooves together sarcastically, even as Flim cringed.

"A convincing story, you senile stallion," Flam spoke, "a lot of waterworks-but no evidence! Meanwhile, this Knight of Equestria assaulted my brother and I on our property! So get out or we put you out!"

I looked to Doohickey. He seemed... Not calm, but determined. He raised his eyebrows as he looked over the cider presser.

"If I'm making it up, then tell me," Doohickey said calmly, "when is the last time you cleared the filter for the Automatic Cider Press 6000?"

Flam laughed mockingly, as did Flim. He'd gotten his courage back up.

"Every day, you crazy old stallion!" Flim said mockingly.

Doohicky hummed. He trotted up to the side of the device, and examined it closely. Music Box, feeling vulnerable, got up close to me. I patted her head comfortingly. Flam and Flim kept up their smiles, but there was some strain in them.

"Ah. The secondary filter, yes," Doohickey said with a nod. "You have kept that one clean. But what about the primary?"

"...Primary?" Both twins asked.

Doohickey tapped the side of the barrel, and a section slid out. It was at one point a complex grid filter... But now it was ripped, torn, and covered in bacteria. It stank to high heaven, and many ponies in the crowd gasped.

"Congratulations," Doohickey stated, "you may have given every pony here dysentery."

Much retching, screaming and throwing of cider mugs ensued. Flim and Flam looked at eachother.

Applejack glared hot death at them.

"Got an explanation, partners? Afore we beat ya senseless?"

Flam smiled nervously.

"Ah... As a matter of fact!"

Flim threw down a smoke bomb, enveloping the crowd in smoke. Chewie swooped down from overhead and pounced on the twins, roaring in their faces. Both unicorns screamed.

"Rainbow Dash! As our resident weather officer," the Mayor bellowed, " you are deputized! Put those stallions under arrest!"

The Pegasus, finished emptying her stomach, glared hot death at the Flim Flam Brothers while grinning widely in her rage.

"With pleasure," she hissed. The brothers screamed louder.

I grinned over at my partner, and the manticore grinned back. I squeezed little Music Box, and she actually managed a small smile.

Doohickey nodded and smiled sadly at me. He shook his head and sighed.

"Least I did something right in my life," he admitted.

"Better late than never," I replied.

Author's Note

Because let's be honest, Flim and Flam are dicks and this would not be too despicable for even them.

Flim Flam 3

Flim and Flam were led off to jail in the local paddy wagon. Yes, they had one, which looked about as you might expect: A blue wagon with bars. The two shrieking unicorns were taken off, pulled by Big Macintosh and Rainbow Dash, while the rest of the crowd soon dispersed. It left me with the remaining Apples, Twilight, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and of course, Doohickey and Music Box. I turned to my friends, and rubbed the back of my head.

“So,” I said, “how are you guys holding up?”

Doohickey sighed heavily.

“I’ve told my story. I can only hope my sons will face justice,” he said. He wrapped a protective foreleg around his granddaughter, “not that it will fix anything.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Twilight insisted. She trotted up to them, and smiled warmly, “I think you were very brave to come forward. And now you can start anew.”

“Anew? Where?” Doohickey asked. “My sons’ name ruined any possibility I had of working anywhere they went-”

“But here you’re now known as the hero who exposed them,” I pointed out. Doohickey hesitated, looking down at his Music Box. The blue filly looked up at him nervously, her robotic eye matched with a warm green organic one.

“But my granddaughter,” he tried, “who… Who would accept her?”

“We would!” Applebloom shouted. She and the other Cutie Mark Crusaders trotted up, Applebloom leading the charge. She grinned warmly at Music Box, who stared back in shock.

“Ah’m Applebloom, and ah like yer eyes!” She said, “they’re cool!”

“O-Oh, well,” Music Box managed, blushing, “you… You really think so?”

“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle insisted, “I always wanted to meet a cyborg!”

“And you don’t have a Cutie Mark!” Scootaloo crowed, “we don’t either! That’s why we’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders! Wanna join our club?”

“I… You’d help me find my cutie mark?” Music Box asked. Applebloom nodded eagerly.

“Sure would!”

I looked up at Doohickey with a grin. His granddaughter’s face was hopeful. He looked between us, and let out a low sigh.

“... I will have to find a job here,” he said.

“Leave it to me!” Twilight said happily, leaning in closer “the cybernetics you’d used on Musicbox are so advanced-The princesses will be eager to learn! It will let you help so many ponies! Please?”

Doohickey let out a sigh. But there was a hint of a smile in his tired old eyes.

“Let’s go talk about it at my library, huh?” Twilight asked. “I just have to dracofax her-”

“Dracofax?” Doohickey asked, curious. Twilight shot me a glare.

“Shepherd’s term for transporting letters to and from Princess Celestia with my dragon’s flames,” she stated. I smirked back.

“Come on, you know you like it,” I teased. Twilight huffed, but she smiled all the same. Doohickey hummed.

“I would like to see that,” he said, “it sounds fascinating.”

“Oh! It’s really not that complicated from a magical perspective,” Twilight explained, as she, Doohickey, Music Box, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders trotted off. Rarity and Fluttershy soon followed. Rarity gave me a warm smile.

“Good work, Shepherd,” she said, “you can be quite the white knight when you choose to be.”

“I wouldn’t be able to keep my armor clean,” I chuckled. Fluttershy smiled just as warmly, blushed, and followed Rarity. Pinkie Pie bounced along, giving me a grin and a wink.

“Try not to have too much fun~!” She said happily.

I was left along with Applejack. We stared at one another for a time, silent. I gave her a small grin, and adjusted my hat. She was covering her face with her hat, before she lifted it up. She was blushing bright red.

“Ah… Ah don’t know what t’ say,” she admitted.

“You’ve saved my life enough,” I said, “I think saving your farm is the least I can do in return.”

She galloped up and wrapped her forelegs around my neck. She then pulled me into a tight, warm kiss.

“Mmph! Mmm…”

She broke it, panting, and falling down on her hooves. I staggered a bit, taking deep breaths.

“Ah… Heh… Sorry,” she said.

“Uh, don’t be,” I replied, with a little grin. I then had a thought. Something that should have been obvious from the start.

“So, how did the Flim Flam Brothers get their hooves on your farm anyway? Isn’t it land granted to you by the princesses?”

Applejack coughed. She then looked to the side nervously.

“Er… About that,” she started, and then stopped. I gave her a scowl.

“No… Don’t tell me…” I covered my face with a sigh. “You bet the farm?!”

“We thought it was a sure bet!” Applejack protested.

“Well it wasn’t, was it?” I replied angrily, “what would you have done if I hadn’t shown up in time, huh?”

“Well we’ll never know, so it all worked out!” Applejack said with a scowl.

“I thought you were the most sensible one,” I sighed. "You silly ponies."

Applejack huffed.

Author's Note

Hope you enjoyed!

Cuddles

I didn't dislike meeting Princess Celestia for tea after our monthly defense meetings. Quite the contrary: She was wonderful. She was funny, she was kind, intelligent, wise... And so genuine.

That said, she did have a tendency to probe in... Rather sensitive areas. Especially when we were alone in her private study.

"So tell me, how are things... Going with Twilight?" She asked, smiling at me over her tea cup. I sat back in my own chair.

I winced a bit.

"Uh... Going?" I replied. "How do you mean?"

Celestia's smile became a bit coy.

"I believe you know what I mean," she said gently. I coughed.

"Ah... Well, we're dating," I said. "You know, socializing. A little at a time with everyone-everypony. One at a time."

Celestia nodded.

"Taking things slow," she said, "that's good."

"Yeah," I said.

I paused for a moment.

"I could always get to work mounting them right now, if you'd like," I said, looking her right in the eyes.

Celestia stared back, and laughed. Again, that deep belly laugh I had never heard her make with anyone else. It was loud and definitely not princess-like at all. Which is why I really liked it. It made me feel special.

"Well, I'm not sure you could get to that stage with them on your own," she replied, when she'd gotten control of herself, "you're barely able to crack jokes with me!"

"I dunno, I thought that was progress," I muttered, feeling a bit hurt. Celestia wrapped a wing around me, and I leaned in against her. She was warm, naturally. She always was.

"It is," she said, "you are much less guarded. It is a good change. But you are still too used to living in a shell."

"Says the princess of the most powerful nation on this planet," I mumbled. Celestia nuzzled me.

"Who is cuddling you," she reminded me. "Yet you are still uncomfortable."

"Not that uncomfortable," I grumbled. I nuzzled her back. "I mean, what are you doing? Negging me?"

"Negging?" Celestia asked.

"You know, insulting me to lower my self esteem so I do what you want?" I asked. Celestia laughed.

"Is having a princess of this world cuddling you lowering your self esteem?" She asked.

I shrugged, and nuzzled a bit closer.

"No," I said.

"So relax," Celestia murmured. "We are here. In this moment. Be here... With me, all right?"

I sighed. I tried to relax. I let go. All those endless, constant worries, I let go. I was wrapped up in the wings of the most powerful being on the planet. What did I have to worry about? What did I have to fear? What did I need to plan for?

I just... Tried to be. Kept my eyes shut. Listened to her heartbeat. Felt her warmth.

It was nice.

"I have to ask," I said, at last, "what do you get out of this?"

"Hm? What do you mean, what do I get out of this?" She asked. "I get to cuddle with someone who needs it... And I get to be myself."

She nuzzled the top of my head. It made sense, I suppose. She had been just as lonely as Luna for that thousand years: Having to be the strong one for her country. For her people. Ponies. Whatever.

And I suppose I was one of the only people who she could be herself with. Who the hell was I going to tell?

"You're doing it again," Celestia murmured. "You're worrying. Overthinking everything. Like the universe is on your shoulders."

"I guess you would know," I said dryly. Celestia laughed softly, I wrapped an arm around her neck, pulling her closer to me. I nuzzled her back.

She relaxed against me, letting out a soft sigh.

"Just be," she said, "it's the only way to survive the weight on you. Just be... Or be crushed."

"All right," I said gently. "I'll defer to the expert. But... I hope you're cuddling with your sister like this, too."

Celestia laughed.

"But of course!" She said, "poor dear needs it. Would you like to join us some time?"

I sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

"And you wonder why I can't relax," I deadpanned.

She just laughed and kept cuddling me. I wasn't going to tell her to stop.

Author's Note

A bit short but I thought you'd like it.

Touching Mares for Science

With Ponyville's growth, a lot of handy ponies had moved in. And while I still got handyman jobs, and I had my work as a defense consultant for the Princesses, I was still left with a lot of free time.

Free time that I perhaps unwisely decided to donate to Twilight's scientific study of... Well, me.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Hadn't I learned my lesson by now? That the mad book pony princess was... Well... Mad?

Yes, yes I knew. But she was still my friend. And I was literally the only human she had to study. What were a few shocks or horrible experiences next to aiding the cause of science?

So far, this little experiment hadn't been so bad. I was sitting in Twilight's new study in her gaudy friendship castle, eating cookies and drinking tea. Twilight was next to me on the couch, all smiles.

"So Shepherd, I have done a great deal of study into your physiology and biology," she began, "but I haven't done nearly as much study into your affect on ponies."

"In what sense?" I asked, already feeling a bit of trepidation. Twilight beamed.

"How you interact physically with ponies," she explained. I sighed.

"Twilight? I'm not making a porno," I stated. Twilight spat out her tea in shock, and stared at me in disbelief.

"What?! No! That-That's not what I meant-NO!" She stuttered.

"Good, because I won't do anything like that," I stated.

"I wasn't going to make you do anything like that!" Twilight insisted.

"I mean, not without being well paid," I went on. Twilight's face, already flushed, turned an even brighter red. I could have sworn steam was coming out of her twitchy ears.

"Wh-What?!" She squeaked. I shrugged, and sipped my tea before I continued.

"And if I choose my partners," I went on, "and human form would help a lot. And..." I grinned as it looked like Twilight was about to faint. I decided to let her off the hook.

"I'm kidding Twi, honest," I said, reaching out to pat her head. She shivered, and gave me a scowl without any heat behind it.

"That wasn't funny, you know!" Twilight protested.

"Yes it was," I said, scratching her behind her ears. She groaned, her eyes rolling back into her head.

"Ohhh... Stop that~," she crooned, "I-I need to... Tell you about the... Experiment..."

"Do you?" I asked. "Or would you prefer I scratch you behind your ears?"

"Nnngh... Ohhh... I-I... Ohhhh..." Twilight tried to speak, but just kept moaning. Deeply and loudly enough I was blushing myself. I pulled my hand back, and Twilight took a few deep breaths to center herself.

"Ahh... W-Well, uh, that's actually, um, related to... To that," Twilight managed. "I want to do some studies to understand why your hands affect mares so... Intensely." She smiled at me. "And I want to see if it will affect stallions in the same way!"

"Uhhh," I began, making a face, "do we... Have to have me try it on stallions?"

"You are our only human, you know," she pointed out.

"You could just turn yourself into a human," I replied, raising an eyebrow. Twilight sighed.

"If you're really that uncomfortable with it," she said, "I suppose we can just start with mares."

"I'm just saying, if I made Big Mac... Er, 'feel good', it would be really awkward for both of us," I said, patting her hoof. Twilight nodded slowly.

"I suppose," she said. She blushed a bit. "Although-"

"Uh uh uh!" I stated, "you're already a manega fan. No need to go full fujoshi on me."

"I'm just saying," Twilight insisted, "I need to be as thorough about scientific exploration as possible!"

I sighed and patted her on the head again.

"I'm happy to explore things... To a point," I said, "but not with stallions."

"Would you complain about me exploring things with mares?" Twilight asked with a slight scowl. "I mean, I made out with Cadence for you!"

"I didn't ask you to do that!" I said in exasperation. "I never even hinted at it!"

"Then why did Cadence say...?" She blushed deeply. "Oh... My..."

"Yeah, this is why I don't trust politicians," I said, "or alicorns of love."

I paused.

"Or both."

Pinkie Pie was the first to arrive, bouncing up and down happily on her hooves.

"Okay, so how are we gonna do this?" She asked eagerly, "for science?"

"Shepherd will sit on that couch," Twilight indicated, "you'll be in his lap while he cuddles you, and I'll observe!"

I waved from my position on the couch. Pinkie grinned and jumped onto me, whumping my back against the couch as I struggled to catch her.

"Works for me!" She chirped. I sighed and looked up at Twilight, who was settling in with several notebooks.

"So, how do I start?" I asked. Twilight hummed.

"Just go with the planned procedure," she suggested. "Start with head pats."

I sighed and reached up to begin petting Pinkie Pie's head. She hummed happily, and nuzzled into me more closely.

"Good, good," Twilight said, scribbling furiously in her notebooks, "now, next-"

"Can we skip ahead? This isn't good enough!" Rainbow Dash protested. “I can barely feel anything!”

Twilight shook her head.

"No! We have to do this right," she emphasized, "Shepherd, please progress to head rubs."

"Isn't it going to be different with pegasi?" I asked, as I rubbed Dash's head. She bit back a coo, almost like a dove, and relaxed even more in my lap. Though she was clearly resisting the urge to give in.

Twilight shook her head.

"We'll do a different study for that.”

“Y-Yeah,” Dash managed, “it’s not like… It’s going to do anything! This-This doesn’t feel good at all!”

“Uh huh,” I deadpanned, rubbing her scalp harder, “how’s this then?”

“Ohhh,” Dash groaned, and grit her teeth. “It… It doesn’t… Do… A thing…!”

“Dash,” Twilight said disapprovingly, “you promised you’d be honest!”

“Oh… F-Fine… It feels... “ Her wings fluttered, “g-goooood… I g-guess…”

“So tsundere,” I teased, and the pegasus blushed hard.

“Excellent!” Twilight cheered, “now, keep up the head rubs for another minute and then... Transition to back strokes!"

Octavia shivered, groaning softly as I ran my hand down the length of her spine-Stopping just short of her bottom. She sighed and nuzzled me.

"That... That's definitely feeling goood~," Octavia sighed. Twilight beamed.

"How good? Scale of one to ten?"

"Tennnn," Octavia moaned. I grimaced a bit, but continued to stroke her back.

"Excellent! Now, proceed to the next phase: Neck scratches!"

"Land'o'goshen," Applejack panted, her tongue wagging like a dog's, "that... That hits the spot... Ooh..."

"Interesting!" Twilight contributed, "your neck does seem very stiff, Applejack."

"Maybe you should try more stretches," I deadpanned, as the orange farmpony melted against me. "Geez, it's like you're made of steel wire!"

"Uh huhhh," Applejack managed. Twilight hummed.

"Cognitive functions are affected by this stage," she wrote, "now, onto the next phase! Head scratches!"

"Ah-ah-ah~! Careful!" Rarity ordered, "you'll mess up my mane!"

"Then why did you participate in this study?" I asked in exasperation, carefully scratching around her scalp as she hummed happily. She gave me a wry look, and I rolled my eyes. "Stupid question, sorry."

"Well, I was hoping Spike could participate," Rarity said, "he's very good at this sort of thing, you know~."

Twilight's eyes narrowed. Rarity coughed.

"Er, I mean... It was just head scratches, I swear-!"

"Out! OUT! You're ruining the experiment!" Twilight barked, "OUT!"

"Well really!" Rarity huffed, getting up and trotting out the door. Twilight sighed.

"I'll apologize to her later," she decided, "now, what was the next phase of the procedure?"

"Light massage," I replied, Vinyl Scratch cooing underneath me as I rubbed her muscles through her white coat. Twilight nodded happily.

"Yes! How is it, Vinyl?"

"Ooooh," Vinyl moaned. Twilight tilted her head.

"Scale of one to ten?" She asked.

"Ahhhn~," Vinyl sighed. I shook my head.

"I don't think that's very helpful," I deadpanned. Twilight sighed.

"Fair enough. Oh well! I can just take observations. Now! Onto the next phase! Heavy massage!"

Maud Pie was built strong and sinewy, almost like a big cat. But she was warm, and soft where it counted. And she did seem to be enjoying herself.

"Oh. Oh yes. Harder. Harder. Right there. Right there. Yes," she stated in her monotone, as I pushed down harder to massage her muscles. "Please... Don't stop. Don't stop..."

"Uhhh... Sure," I managed, raising an eyebrow.

"Give it to me. Now. Harderrrr..."

Twilight was furiously writing down notes in four of her notebooks at once. I raised an eyebrow.

"Uhhh... Maybe we should get to the next part?" I asked.

"You still have thirty seconds!" Twilight stated.

"Me love you long time," Maud moaned.

My eyebrow twitched slightly.

"Right, and what was the next phase?"

"Belly rubs!"

"Who's a good pony?" I asked Fluttershy, as I rubbed her cute little belly. "Who's a good pony?"

"I-I am!" Fluttershy squeaked, her eyes crossing, "I AM! I AMMMM!"

"Take it down a notch, Shepherd!" Twilight warned, "she has to finish!"

Fluttershy moaned happily, and nuzzled my shoulder. I could have made a joke about her already 'finishing', but I managed to control myself.

"Right, right, and that is?" I asked.

"Ear scratches!"

"Ohhhhh," Princess Celestia moaned, leaning back against my fingers, "please... Don't stop. I'll do anything... Give you a kingdom! Make you a duke! Just! Don't! STOP!"

"Uhhh," I managed, still scratching away behind her ears, "I'm good, really Your Majesty."

"We shall make you our royal consort," Luna groaned, my other hand scratching hard behind her ears, "offer thee any boon you desiiiiire~!"

I looked over at Twilight. "Uh... Two at once? Isn't this messing up the experiment?"

"Not at all!" Twilight said cheerfully, "it's more data to study!" She paused. "That and they couldn't schedule this separately."

"I see," I deadpanned, as the diarchs nearly smothered me as both fought to be on my lap, "urk... Your Majesties, please! You're gonna crush me!"

"Clearly we are the superior test subject!" Luna cried, glaring at her sister, "we are more sensitive!"

"Endurance and stamina are better, Luna," Celestia replied playfully, wrapping a wing tightly around me, "and possession is nine-tenths of the law."

"YOU wrote that law!" Luna shot back.

"Princesses!" Twilight called, "you can come back another time! But poor Shepherd needs his rest!"

Both diarchs looked disappointed, but they relented and slid off me. I fell back on the couch, panting hard for breath. Celestia beamed at me, and gave me a nuzzle.

"I look forward to continuing our scientific exploration soon, Ser Shepherd," she said warmly. Luna scowled at her, and pulled me up against herself with her magic.

"We will be continuing the exploration even sooner!" She shot back. Celestia giggled.

"You're so clingy, Luna!"

"I wouldn't be if you didn't keep taking what is mine!" Luna protested.

"Come on, out, out," Twilight said, shooing them both out. Luna let me go, but gave me a warm smile.

"See you later, Ser Shepherd~," she sing-songed, as she followed her elder sister out the door. I laid back on the couch, and put my forearm up over my eyes. I let out a groan.

"Owww," I sighed, holding my hands up and examining them, "I am so freaking sore..."

My hands turned into hooves. I yelped as I looked down at myself-I was now an Earth pony, with white fur, brown mane and tail, and a cutie mark of a five fingered hand. I looked over at Twilight... Who had assumed her gorgeous human form. She walked up to me with a smile, sat down on the couch, and pulled me into her lap.

"Poor Shepherd," she sighed, "putting up with so much... Here. Let your Princess reward you!"

"Eh?" I asked, as she began to scratch behind my ears. The sensation that resulted... Was mind blowing. I instantly felt relaxed, as I sank deeper into her embrace. "Ooooh... Okay... I think... I'm getting it nowwww..."

"And don't worry," Twilight said cheerfully, "all that test data is going to be put to good use with you~."

"... You evil mastermind," I managed.

Twilight shrugged with a grin.

"If the shoe fits..."

Author's Note

This chapter was a commission by yakopak. Hope you enjoy it too!

Royal Wedding 1

So. As far as royal weddings went, this one had been a bit of a bummer. Shining Armor was getting hitched to Princess Mi Amore Candenza (Cadance for short, because... Your guess is as good as mine). It was quite a nice deal for the Captain of the Guards, marrying the adopted niece of Princess Celestia. Yeah, it is a bit Roman isn't it?

Anyway, in the spirit of universal manliness, I actually offered him a brofist in congratulations.

One he didn't return. Rude.

Then again, upon meeting Cadance, maybe I should have reconsidered the congratulations. Damn but she was a bitch. Treated Spike like dirt, was catty and nasty to everyone else. Me, she had a creepy fixation on, said I had to be in the wedding party-I was delicious. According to her.

Hitting on me when she's getting married? Dude, now I felt bad for Shining. Sure, he could be a hard headed idiot but he didn't deserve this. Twilight was especially upset, causing such a rift that her brother actually asked her not to be in the wedding!

Well... I wasn't going to stand for it. As politely as I could, I said I wasn't going to be in it either. I tried to go after Twilight but... Well, she apparently didn't want to be found.

And despite the fact I was a military advisor to the Diarchy and had been in Canterlot many times... As I stood in the middle of a crowded intersection, I realized...

"I have no fucking idea where Twilight would go," I muttered.

I sighed, and rubbed the back of my head.

I headed back to the palace, and made it to my room. Fluttershy was waiting for me, looking concerned.

"Are... Are you all right?" She asked. I shrugged.

"I... Sort of," I said. "Wish I could help more."

Fluttershy smiled wanly.

"It's... A family issue," she said, "and they can only solve it themselves. Applejack said so and... I understand it."

I winced, thinking of Fluttershy's younger brother.

"Fair enough," I said.

Still, something was bugging me. Something in the back of my mind, like a mosquito buzzing about just out of sight. I tried to silence my nagging doubts with reason:

I was an alien, after all, and despite our similarities there was a lot of Pony body language I didn't grasp. I could be missing plenty.

I barely knew Cadance and it had been years since Twilight knew her. It was also her wedding day-Brides could turn into real monsters when it came to wedding preparations. It didn't mean they were bad people, just under a lot of stress.

Twilight was prone to overreacting. God, I still remembered the time loop incident. I suppose the fact that time travel was A: possible but B: restricted to a stable time loop system was comforting. The consequences of Twilight being able to change history during one of her episodes was terrifying.

Finally, this was a family squabble and... I wasn't family. Oh sure, I was friends with them. Very close. Twilight probably wanted me to be family, someday. But this was something they had to figure out themselves, as Fluttershy had said.

This was all perfectly reasonable... Even the time travel part.

But there was a nagging part of me that insisted something was wrong. The same part that usually gave me a heads up when Chewie was about to pounce.

So... I pulled out my luggage and made some preparations. And I got Pinkie Pie to help.

She insisted on cuddling with me in my bed as payment, and Fluttershy insisted on the same, but I wasn't complaining. Too much.

That morning, I very politely asked to be let back into the wedding party, that I was very sorry. Cadence was... Almost delighted, and gave me a creepy grin. I immediately got back with the wedding party and the mares formed a protective barrier around me.

Sometimes I appreciated my strange animal magnetism. Not often, but sometimes.

Maybe God's latest practical joke on me wasn't bad all the time.

Oh of course it was God. I wasn't going to give credit to Discord. He's a dick.

Anyway, Equestrian wedding ceremonies weren't too different in many respects from a standard Western wedding ceremony. Probably not a huge surprise, given they were influenced by humans in their distant past. I stood there in my green and pink formal wear-Something Rarity had made special for me. I was very grateful to her. Spike was the ringbearer and managed to not look like his masculine pride was damaged by it. Good man. Dragon. Whatever.

All was going well up until the final vows... When Twilight burst into the chapel... Alongside another, dirtier Princess Cadance.

"STOP THE WEDDING!" Twilight shouted, "THAT'S NOT PRINCESS CADANCE!"

"I AM!" The other pink alicorn shouted.

All eyes turned onto the other Cadance, standing up alongside Shining. Now, Shining had looked like he was in a daze for most of the wedding preparations. I had chalked it up to him being... A dolt and in love, really. Also having to play peacekeeper for his bride and everyone else. But upon a closer inspection...

The guy looked like he was drugged out of his gourd. Hell, his eyes were glowing green!

... And now 'Cadance's' eyes were glowing green. She was cackling as she was consumed with flames, like she was pulling a Maleficent and going Dragon mode.

And... Well, she wasn't a dragon. She was some tall, dark, creepy looking bug-alicorn thing. Like if H. R. Geiger had designed Celestia. Hoo boy, we had an evil shapeshifter plot on our hands.

And then multiple other bodies revealed they too were... Bug-pony things.

Aw shit. We were being invaded by aliens?!

"Stand down or be destroyed!" Celestia bellowed, rising up into the air, brimming with magical power. I felt relieved. Princess Celestia, like the OG Superman, was going to protect us and kill this bitch!

She unleashed a blast of pure sun energy, so hot that even a dozen meters away I pulled on my sunglasses.

The... Bug-Queen unleashed her own green blast and, like something out of Dragonball Z, forced it back... Onto Princess Celestia. There was a blast, and our princess was knocked down. Twilight screamed her name as everyone else gasped in horror.

Okay... So a Superman solution wasn't going to work here. Fine.

"You ponies will be our food," the Bug-Queen hissed, "your precious love and emotions will feed my hive for an eternity!"

I rummaged in my great coat, and pulled out a bundle. I pulled out my lighter, and calmly ignited the fuse. The Bug-Queen stared at me, dumbfounded.

"What on Equus are you-?"

"Here, catch," I said calmly, tossing it to the Bug-Queen.

She caught it in her telekinesis, confused. Twilight though wasn't, and immediately put a bubble shield around the Bug-Queen.

KABOOOOOMMMMMM!!!

Even with the forcefield, everyone was knocked to the floor and smoke and debris filled the air. My ears were ringing as I slowly got up. I'd landed on Dash, who was a bit annoyed but I couldn't hear her complaints. Twilight cast another spell, and then I could hear.

Mostly her complaints.

"How did you-Why would you bring dynamite to a wedding?!" Twilight demanded.

I winced, and then shrugged as I shared a knowing look with Pinkie Pie.

"Dynamite emergencies," we said in synch. Twilight stared in utter disbelief. The disheveled Princess Cadance laughed.

"I like him!" She cried. "Twilight, you should marry him."

"WHAT?!" Twilight gasped. As did Shining Armor, immediately standing up from the pile of ponies he'd been buried under.

... As did Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. Geez, I'm amazed I wasn't deaf by now.

"Oh good! That broke Chrysalis's spell," Cadance said cheerfully. She immediately grabbed Shining and pulled him into a sloppy, needy looking kiss. The captain of the guard immediately relaxed, and kissed her back just as needfully. It would have been romantic, even touching... Had the Bug-Queen not emerged from the smoke and debris. Well, most of her-Apparently taking a full bundle of dynamite right to the face wasn't good for her complexion.

"You... You insane monkey...!" She snarled, "I'll drain you dry!"

"Unlikely," said I, pulling out the Elements of Harmony and tossing them to their bearers. Twilight smirked, as they all powered up. The Bug-Queen and her minions were all shocked.

"But-How-?!"

"I knew something was going to go down here," Twilight shouted, "and I was right! Now, begone!"

The Elements of Harmony used Rainbowplosion. It was super effective.

Author's Note

I'm just posting all over the place on the timeline. It's post-modernism, go with it.

Royal Wedding 2

The Elements of Harmony is like... An inverse nuke, I suppose. It has a massive explosion and releases huge amounts of energy, but instead of vaporizing you it heals. It nurtures. You feel uplifted, like every happy memory and happy moment of your life is running through your mind. Like you could take on any foe and be assured victory. It feels like the sun is rising and your soul spreads its wings. It's been like that every time I've ever experienced it.

That said... When the Elements lit up this time, there was something different. The last three times I'd been at ground zero of the Elements going off, the target would be... I dunno, neutralized in some way. Nightmare Moon got the evil vaporized out of her-Twice. Discord got turned into stone.

When it hit Chrysalis and every Changeling there... They were lifted into the air, and then catapulted right out of the freaking chapel. I had to duck as Chrysalis literally screamed right over my head!

Every other pony in attendance got down as well, forced by the passage of so many bodies through the air. The lightshow soon ended, and the Elements cooled down. Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Dash, Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy stood in a circle, stoic and focused. They looked so heroic and amazing I had to restrain myself from grinning like an idiot.

Then Pinkie Pie blinked in confusion.

"Hey! Where are the statues?" She demanded. "I wanted to get some nice statues for Maud!"

I lost it. I began laughing hard, giggling like a schoolboy from the rush. In an instant, Fluttershy was by my side in concern.

"Shepherd? Are-Are you okay? Why are you giggling?" She asked.

"Ah... S-Sorry," I said, wiping some stray tears away, "hoo... That's... That's a rush." I looked up at Twilight.

"But seriously, Pinkie's got a good point: Why didn't they get stoned? Or... Vaporized?"

Twilight frowned deeply.

"That's... A good question," she said. She hummed. "From what I've studied of the Elements, they will destroy pure evil, put mostly evil but with a chance for redemption into stone, and... Well they haven't been used against anything else."

Princess Celestia rose, looking a hell of a lot better than she had been. Twilight and the rest of us gathered around her.

"Princess Celestia! Are you all right?" Twilight asked. Celestia smiled, a tired but warm expression as she looked down on us.

Well on Twilight and the other ponies, she had to meet my gaze.

"I'm fine, really," she said. She looked at Twilight. "As to why that happened with the Elements, allow me to explain: The Elements of Harmony are best used against a few targets of similar morality alignments. Use them against, say, an entire army and the various conflicting alignments of the individuals will overwhelm the Elements. So, they will choose the most expedient means of removing the threat, without destroying potential good."

Celestia smiled faintly.

"By literally removing the threat and sending them somewhere they will do no harm."

"Aye sister!" Luna shouted, flying in through a hole in the roof. She was accompanied by dozens of armed pegasi, as more troops rushed in to help injured ponies, "twas what happened at the Second Battle of Neighing Heights, when we faced Crunch the God Alpha and his army of Wulverins."

Celestia nodded with a grimace.

"Yes, I remember," Celestia said, "we banished his entire army back home." She hummed. "On the plus side, we did give him his heart back and he ended the war immediately!"

"He was far too affectionate for decades after though," Luna huffed, "dog breath, ugh."

"I thought you liked dogs," Celestia teased. Luna stiffened, blushing a bit.

"Not that much!" She insisted.

"So, Chrysalis and her army are still intact somewhere," I concluded with a sigh, "wonderful."

"At the very least, we are now aware of them," Twilight pointed out, "so we'll be ready next time." She beamed.

"Your Majesties," spoke Shining, and we all turned to look at him. He stood there with his head bowed, Cadence alongside him, "I... I must submit myself for court martial for my subversion by Queen Chrysalis-And my previous attempt at assassinating you-"

"Denied," Celestia, Cadence, and Luna all said at the same time. Shining started.

"B-But-!"

"Mind control doesn't count, dude," I said, slapping a hand on his back. I gave him a smirk, "biggest surprise? You had a mind to control."

Shining scowled a bit, looking indignant... But not wounded. I slapped him on the back again, and Twilight and Cadence smiled comfortingly at him. He relaxed, just a bit, and smiled as well.

Hey, I may be a dick, but I'm not that big of a dick.

"Though honestly, we should have noticed something was wrong from the moment we saw those shields up around the city," Luna observed. She gave Celestia a deadpan expression, "as should you."

"I suppose I'm getting easily distracted in my old age," Celestia sighed, "it happens to the best of us. Including the sister who is supposed to be in charge of the military."

"I've been in the moon for a thousand years!" Luna protested.

"How about we get this wedding going again?" Cadence suggested, as she shook her mane, "after I've had a chance to freshen up, huh?"

"Sounds wonderful!" Celestia said, as Luna pouted. I sighed and rubbed the back of my head.

"Oh good," I said, "let's get going."

So Shining and Cadence got their wedding, and I got to stand around and do basically nothing but wait for the buffet at the reception. It was pretty nice, and it was a testament to the resilience of these little ponies. Even after being invaded by monsters, they got their act back together and had the wedding. And it was a beautiful ceremony.

Thankfully, quite brisk too. Cadence was looking very impatient, and I couldn't blame her. Being locked up in caves for days while some slutty Bug-Pony queen was pretending to be you with your mind controlled fiance? Yeah, I'd want to get on with it.

So by that evening, as calm returned to the city, the ceremony was complete. Shining and Cadence kissed happily, and the magical fireworks Pinkie Pie had spent so much time on exploded to life and filled the gorgeous night sky with light. Cadence grinned out at the audience of guests and soldiers, and held up her bouquet.

"Catch~!" She cried, and with her magic, she tossed it up high into the air. Several mares began to scramble for it, including Rainbow Dash (which we would tease her for mercilessly after). I watched it sail overhead, grinning at the mad rush for it...

When the bouquet glowed, and abruptly changed directions. It dove right for me.

And like a dope, I opened my arms to catch it.

My eyes were wide as I looked around and saw several very, very hungry looking mares surrounding me.

And I saw Cadence's playful smirk and Shining's grin. Pinkie Pie grinned.

"PONY PILE!" She bellowed. I glared at the happy couple.

"Oh you motherfuc-!"

Author's Note

I'm not completely happy with this, but the Royal Wedding was such a slog last time I decided to just nip it in the bud here. And I tried to make it have a funny punchline. Hoped you enjoyed.

Touching Mares for Science 2: Rainbow Dash

As it turned out, between my pay as a military advisor and the licensing fees from the merchandise made of me, I actually had a fair amount of bits. That's the money they use here in Equestria, gold coins. I mean I wasn't on, say, Filthy Rich's level but I was perfectly comfortable.

But, I wasn't really the exorbitant spender type. Blame my Scottish roots.

So most of it went into savings and charities. That said, I had made one very special purchase:

A full sized recliner, dark red, with a book lamp.

... What? That wasn't awesome? It wasn't like I could buy a car. Nor was I rich enough to buy an airship. As cool as that would be...

So I relaxed in my decadent recliner, fully cushioned, I had a good book in front of me, and some apple whiskey in the cupholder. All set for a nice afternoon in...

When there was a knock at the door. A very insistent one. I sighed.

"I swear to God, if it's Twilight wanting another 'sample'," I grumbled, getting up and setting aside my book. I walked up to the door, my footsteps loud in my quiet house. I opened the door.

"Oh, geez, finally," Rainbow Dash said, standing on my front stoop with a grimace. She was holding one of her wings with her hoof, a very awkward pose for her. My irritation vanished as I looked her over.

"Dash? You okay?" I asked.

"Of course I'm not okay!" Dash groaned, "I pulled something practicing today! Can you, ya know..." She blushed deeply.

"Can I what?" I asked.

"Ya know... Twilight's last crazy experiment," Dash managed.

I sighed, and nodded.

"Come on in," I said.

I held the door open for her-Old habits die hard. She trotted in, not seeming to notice my gesture. She went up to the couch, and waited expectantly. I closed the door and walked up to the couch. I sat down, and then pulled Dash up into my lap. She blushed more deeply, but still huffed.

"Don't get any funny ideas," she stated. "Just massage me properly!"

"All right, all right," I said indulgently. I reached up and began with her neck, squeezing her muscles and working out the kinks. Dash groaned, trembling all over.

"H-Hey, I sprained my wing, not my neck!"

"This will help you relax overall," I countered, my other hand going underneath her right wing. I began to rub and massage right underneath it, and Dash groaned softly.

"Oooh... H-Hey..."

"Hey what?" I asked with a smile, "you wanted a massage didn't you?"

"Y-Yeah, but you... Urgh... Are getting funny thoughts," she murmured. I bent my head and nuzzled the top of her head. She flattened her ears and moaned.

"Are you complaining?" I asked.

Dash huffed, and looked away with a darker blush.

"N-No," she muttered. I chuckled, and my hands both slid underneath her wings. I worked my fingers deep into the muscles under her wing joints, and she squirmed slightly before gritting her teeth.

"Nngh...!"

"Is that all right?" I asked teasingly, "you aren't hurt, right?"

"Nooo," Dash mumbled, "doesn't hurt at all..."

"Good," I said with a nod. I gave her another nuzzle, and kept up my work. Dash relaxed even more, resting her head against my chest. She really was adorable, when she was quiet and not running her mouth.

I rubbed out further along her wings, very gently. While her wings were tough, they could be sensitive. I mean, not as sensitive as, say, nipples.

Which was a weird thought. Why'd my mind go to nipples?

Anyway, they weren't too sensitive, because otherwise, pegasi couldn't really fly properly. But I had to be careful about it. Especially after the sprain.

Dash whimpered a little as I massaged a joint between my hands. I paused, and looked down at her.

"You okay?" I asked, more seriously this time. Dash managed a nod.

"Y-Yeah!" She squeaked.

"Because," I said, "I don't have to massage that hard or fast-"

"J-Just shut up and massage me damnit!" Dash growled. I laughed again.

"Geez, so pushy," I teased, squeezing her wing joint again. She bit back a gasp, and I resumed gently and carefully.

"W-Why are you acting so weird?" Dash managed, "usually you're so-nnngh-uptight!"

"Well," I began thoughtfully, but I still kept up my massage, "I guess I'm finally starting to relax around you guys. And this world."

"You've been here for over two years now," Dash pointed out, a bit annoyed. I nodded.

"Yeah. And I'm also an alien," I pointed out, "see how long it takes for you to adjust to living on Earth all alone."

I massaged between her wing bases, a little section of her back. She cooed, but immediately tried to cover it with a cough.

"I-I bet I'd totally do it better than youuuu," Dash groaned, her eyes closing as I massaged the base of her neck and between her wings at the same time. I laughed softly.

"Well, you'd probably be a lot more impressive to my people," I said. I reached down and massaged one of her hooves. Dash gasped, and her eyes crossed.

"Wh-Whaaaa...?"

I put both of my hands to work, massaging her rather tense hoof. Equestrian ponies have hooves that are more... Squishy than an Earth horse's in some ways, but still with hard sections. It's more like the frog of their feet are much larger. And apparently, much more sensitive. At least for Dash.

I worked my fingers over her front hooves, as she went very quiet. I then slid my hands back to her wings, and resumed working out any lingering tensions I could find. Dash buried her face in my chest and trembled several times. Her teeth bit down on my shirt, and she suppressed a long, low whine. She stiffened up.

"Nnnnngh~!" Dash whimpered loudly. She then relaxed all over my lap into a quiet heap.

I blinked, and poked the side of her face.

"Dash? Rainbow Dash? You okay?"

She answered with a snore. I sighed, and pulled her into my arms.

"Typical," I muttered, though I had a fond smile on my face.

I carried her to my bed, and tucked her in. I then headed to the couch. She wrapped her forelegs around a pillow, and sighed happily.

Well. At the very least, I'd get the chance to test out sleeping in my recliner...

Author's Note

The second part of a commission for yakopak! Hope you enjoy!

Sleeping on Humans

It wasn't like I'd gone out fishing expecting Princess Celestia to visit me again. So far it'd only happened once. Okay, twice, but in fairness she was already in Ponyville at the time and I am her military advisor. She attends to little details like that so well: Part of ruling for over a thousand years, I suppose.

It was just... A nice thing. To get to talk to her, to just be with her. She did rule an entire country and she did move the sun.

And for some bizarre reason, she was... Genuine with me. No masks, no fake smiles.

So it was that a pony princess sat alongside me in front of the lake, as I let my fishing line out. We sat in silence for a while, both of us sipping hard cider from Sweet Apple Acres.

She almost... Seemed sad. Tired. And really, who likes to see a weepy woman drinking alcohol all alone? It's a sad scene, especially when it's an immortal demi-goddess.

But in all honesty, I didn't know what to say... So I said anything.

"The violence and chaos aside," I said, "the wedding was nice."

Celestia stared at me, and then allowed herself a small smile.

"It was certainly more interesting than the last one, yes," she agreed.

"You've been married?" I asked. Celestia laughed softly, before sipping her cider.

"No, but we've had many weddings for my adopted... And not so adopted children," she admitted. I raised an eyebrow, and Celestia gave me a little wink.

"Well, you didn't think me a virgin queen, did you?" She asked.

"No, and there's a lot of speculation that my world's virgin queen wasn't," I replied, chuckling softly. I tipped my cider back, and found the bottle was empty. I reached into the cooler for another, popped it open, and began to drink from it. I sighed happily, the refreshing taste and feeling filling me with warmth. I looked over at Celestia, tilting my head.

"If you have something on your mind, you can tell me," I said.

Celestia looked down at her hooves.

"... I am very glad you and Luna are friends," she said. "I... I am so glad she is able to connect to others. After all that time." She looked over at me, and smiled in genuine gratitude. "You connect well with her."

I nodded.

"I mean... We haven't met much in real life but she's... I mean," I smiled, "she... gets it. You know? That... Loneliness."

Celestia nodded, and looked back out over the water. I gave her a shrug.

"You do too, I think," I said. Celestia turned her head to look at me, and was silent for a time. I managed to hold her gaze. She let out a long, soft breath through her nostrils, and nodded. There was... Such sadness in her eyes.

"And-And she doesn't blame you for what happened," I impulsively stated. Celestia started, shocked... Then she smiled back gratefully.

"She has told me that," Celestia admitted, "but... I guess a small, foalish part of me still worried over that." She looked back out at the lake, watching the waves gently lap against the rocky shore. I shook my head.

"I still beat myself up for stupid crap I did when I was a kid," I admitted. "I mean... It doesn't really compare to what you two went through. It uh... I mean, it doesn't make me an authority and I'm not going to pretend it does, so-"

Celestia gently placed her wing against my mouth. She gave me the kindest look I could ever imagine seeing on her face.

"You use your pain to try and be kind to others," Celestia said gently, "and while sometimes you can be too kind, too forgiving, too underconfident... That means you are doing the right thing with it. You are not lesser to us just because our pain has lasted so much longer. As time... Doesn't always heal all wounds."

She lifted her wing away from my face. I nodded slowly, and held out my bottle. She lifted her own, and clanked it against mine.

We both drank our ciders, and again settled back into a comfortable silence. It was nice and warm... I fell asleep.

It was a nice, dreamless nap... Interrupted by the feeling of a very large weight landing in my lap.

"Bwah?!" I gasped, waving my arms about. It took my eyes a moment to focus-My umbrella was gone but there was something blocking the sunlight over me. The same thing now straddling me... With a large, drunken grin.

"Princess Celestia," I managed calmly, "what-?"

"I had the rest of the cider!" Celestia said gleefully. Yeah, I could smell that on her breath. I looked over at the cooler and... Geez. I had twelve more bottles in there!

I wasn't going to drink them all by myself! But, well, I kind of like having a lot of alcohol on hand. Old habit from college when I went to parties. Easy way to be liked that didn't involve being good at socialization.

"Uh, that's good," I groaned, "um, listen, can you get off me? You're really..."

Celestia's lower lip wobbled. I sighed.

"You're... It's uncomfortable?" I hazarded. Celestia blinked, and then grinned.

"Cause I'm not a woman," she concluded, "I'm a pony!"

"... Yeah, sure, let's go with that," I managed with a grunt, as she rocked up and down my lap. Normally a beautiful princess on my lap would be nothing to complain about, but again: Wrong species, and really heavy.

Celestia's eyes lit up... As did the rest of her body. Which shrank slightly, forming into a very... Humanoid shape. A deliciously stacked, long legged, hourglass-figured and completely naked shape.

"Woah," I murmured softly, as the now human Celestia gave me a wink that certainly didn't do anything for the comfort of my lap.

"Sooo... Is this better?" She whispered.

"... Yes. Yes it is," I replied calmly.

Look. I try to be a good man but when a drunken super hot minx is in your lap, naked and raring to go, what else are you supposed to say?

... Probably something else but I'm not that good.

"Oh good," Celestia murmured, leaning forward, "I promised I'd hold back for Luna, she's so fond of you... I'll give her cake, she'll forgive me..."

And she slumped on top of me, passed out drunk and snoring. I let out a heavy sigh.

"Figures," I muttered.

Author's Note

Short but I hope you enjoyed it.

Hearthswarming Eve

I sighed, the wood of my chair creaking softly under my weight. After an hour of watching an Hearthswarming Eve play, I was spent. It was a combination of the Fourth of July and Christmas for the Equestrians: A kind of origin of their country and the magic of friendship, between the three tribes of pony. It was fairly heartwarming, all told. Which, I suppose, was appropriate.

I found myself leaning back in my chair, as the mares chatted happily about the pageant they'd just put on. I sat alone, just watching the snow fall outside.

Fluttershy trotted up alongside me. She hesitated only a moment, before she looked up at me in concern.

"Shepherd? Are you all right?" Fluttershy asked. "Um, did you not like the pageant?"

"Oh, no, it was very nice," I said. "You did well."

Fluttershy blushed.

"Th-Thank you," she murmured, "um, but... You seem... Sad."

I hummed.

"Well... I guess I'm more... Wistful," I admitted, "I guess I just miss my home. Miss... Christmas."

"You told us the story, um," Fluttershy murmured. "I'm so sorry."

I smiled over at her, and wrapped my arm around her. She snuggled in close to me, and we both looked out at the falling snow.

"It's okay," I said. "I mean... The core of it is finding warmth, and love, and friendship in the darkness of winter," I said. "But I admit... I miss a lot of things about it. Like..." I allowed myself a little grin. "Santa Claus."

"Santa Claus?" Fluttershy asked, curious. I beamed at her.

"Yeah," I said, "he's an immortal old man who lives at our North Pole. With his kingdom of elves and his wife, he creates toys and gifts. On Christmas Eve, he goes around, drawn in a sleigh by magic, flying reindeer, and delivers the gifts to all the good children of mankind."

"All in one night?" Fluttershy asked in amazement. "Those reindeer must be faster than Rainbow Dash!"

"Yeah, but don't tell her about them," I said wryly. I stroked her mane, and she hummed happily.

"I thought your world had no magic," she said. I shrugged.

"Well... Not in the way you know it, but there is a magic around Christmas. A kind of... Warmth and joy that fills us all," I said. Fluttershy beamed at me, and cuddled more closely.

"With those we care about..." Fluttershy murmured. I chuckled, and nuzzled the top of her head.

"Yeah," I said. "Thank you. I mean it."

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. We both started, as Fluttershy jumped and squeaked. I looked over at the prismatic mare and smiled.

"Hey Dasherino. What's up?"

"That's your worst nickname for me yet," she groaned.

"Well, let's just say I'm practicing my dad jokes," I replied. Fluttershy squeaked again, and I held back a wicked smile. I know, I really shouldn't, but I love teasing her after our date. She's so cute.

"Yeah, well, there's some package that got dropped off outside," she said, "it was addressed to you."

I blinked.

"Addressed to me?"

She hefted over a package, red wrapping paper with golden twine. I blinked, and took it into my hands. I looked at the card and read it.

'It is a human tendency to lose wonder at the miracles of their day, even when presented with actual magic. Every so often, you need a reminder of what kind of a magnificent universe we all live in.

~S.C."

I blinked. I tore open the wrapping paper, and opened the box. I gaped in astonishment.

"What is it?" Dash asked, hovering over my shoulder. I pulled out... A Beretta 92. I turned it over in my hands in astonishment.

"A Beretta 92?! I've wanted this gun since I was a kid," I gasped. "Did... Did the princesses get it out of the archives?"

"But it looks brand new," Dash said, as she pointed at the gun, "I mean, it doesn't look old! All your other guns look so old!"

I heard the faint sounds of jingling bells. I looked up at the moon, shining down through the snow. I could swear I saw the silhouette of reindeer pulling a sleigh, for just the briefest moment. Then it was gone, as though there had been nothing there at all.

"Shepherd? What is it?" Fluttershy asked.

I felt some tears roll down my cheeks. I sniffled a bit. But I had a smile on my face, as bright as the moon above.

"... Nothing," I said. I set the gun down carefully, and pulled them both into a tight hug.

"Merry Christmas... Happy Hearthswarming Eve, whatever," I said. Fluttershy blushed brightly, but snuggled in. Dash groaned.

"Ugh... You gotta be that mushy?" She complained, as she wrapped her wings and hooves around me.

"Yeah," I said, "tis the season, after all..."

Dash sighed.

"I guess I can be uncool... For you... This once," she mumbled.

I chuckled.

"Love you too, Dasher."

"Uggghhh...!"

Author's Note

Threw this together on Christmas Day, but I hope you enjoyed it.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night.

Yay

Our modern Western world became so advanced and so prosperous that people just started feeling kind of guilty over it. And that guilt of course was used to fund all sorts of terrible ideas. Like the Chinese Communist Party, Greenpeace, and U2 concerts.

But I was actually feeling guilty over something more relevant, and I went to the most understanding pony I knew to talk about it.

I knocked on her door, and she opened it up slowly. She smiled warmly at me.

"H-Hello Shepherd," Fluttershy said, "what brings you by?"

I smiled.

"I uh, I wanted to stop in and talk with you. If that's all right?" I asked. Fluttershy beamed, and nodded.

"If you'd like. Let me get us some tea," she said.

I walked in, and sat down on her couch as she got the tea ready. She trotted back, and set the tea set down with some cookies on the coffee table. She then sat on the couch next to me. I sucked in a deep breath, and put my hands together in front of my face, gathering my thoughts.

"You-You can have tea before you start to talk, if you want," Fluttershy murmured, "or-or not... Whatever you'd like..."

"I just..." I sighed, "I feel... Guilty, I guess."

"About?" Fluttershy asked. "Dating us all? You haven't even gone on your dates with the others yet."

"No, not that. Well, it's sort of related to that," I managed. "Basically. for the longest time I didn't... I mean... Urgh!" I patted the sides of my head and groaned. "Why do I turn into a freaking teenager over this crap?"

"It's okay. I won't judge you, I promise," Fluttershy insisted.

"Okay, okay," I managed. I took a deep breath, let it out...

"The truth is... I think I am actually sexually attracted to ponies now," I admitted. There was silence. I took that as a good sign, hopefully. "I mean, you guys. Not the ones back home. Those aren't... I mean, you're an entirely different species! You're sapient, you even crossbred with humans! You have human traits-Hell, Twilight figured out how to turn you into humans!"

I took a sip of tea, as Fluttershy remained silent.

"And well, I mean, my species has plenty of sexual depravity but it's depraved. But in this case, it isn't! But I've been wrestling with that for so long and yet... I mean, I was taught that what was on the inside counted more than what was outside! Since looks do degrade over time and good looking people can be evil bastards or bitches inside-The alien bug pony Queen is a great example here, very literal." Sip. "But it turns out that that's bullcrap for romance because you gotta have physical attraction as well as attraction to what's inside! And looking good on the outside is a skill too, and if you put in the effort to look good you've got good inside, right? Well some good at least. So I was completely confused and bewildered because if you were all human women, I would have been all over you in an instant the moment we met, and that's probably why I acted like such an oblivious jackass!"

I finished the cup of tea, and had a cookie as I continued to speak.

"So I guess my point is, I'm... I'm sorry for being such a jackass. I was scared and confused, being the only one of my kind on this planet. And alien women finding me attractive is kind of weird, especially when they aren't humanoid. It's a big leap, but now it's not a leap. I made the leap. I'm more confused about you finding me attractive. That's kind of weird. No offense Fluttershy..."

I turned to my pony friend.

"Fluttershy?"

She was bright red and silent, her wings fully spread. She stared straight ahead. I reached over and gently shook her shoulder.

"Fluttershy? You okay?"

"I... I um... I-I um..." Fluttershy tried. Angel Rabbit gave her a look, and then gave me a look. I glared back, and then squeezed Fluttershy's shoulder again.

"Fluttershy?"

"S-So... So..." She got herself together, "so... You... You find us..." She shyly looked up at me, "y-you find me... A-A-Attractive?"

I blinked.

"Yes."

"L-Like... You'd want to... Want to... Want to..." Fluttershy tried. I smiled, and took her hoof in my hand.

"Like... This, yeah," I said. "And other things."

"Like..." She peered out from under her bangs, "... sex?"

I blinked. I blinked again. I very slowly nodded.

"... Yes."

"... yay."

Author's Note

Just so you know I'm not dead.

Weaknesses

"Shepherd? Shepherd?"

I groaned. I'd just been having a wonderful dream involving socks and watermelons and... Ahem... Other things not appropriate for a younger audience, when I got woken up by Twilight's soft but frantic voice. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes and clapped my hands twice. The magical lights in my bedroom came on, and I sat up.

There stood Princess Twilight Sparkle, looking anxious and afraid. My irritation faded as I went into Human Knight, Sword of Equestria mode.

"What is it, Twilight? Something wrong? How many?" I asked urgently, my hands already reaching for my sword and my gun. Twilight held up a hoof and shook her head.

"Ah, n-no, no, it's not that kind of thing," she said, "I-I just... I want to talk. About something. If-If that would be all right?"

I stared at her for a few moments, and she bit her lower lip nervously.

"I-I don't have to, I can go talk to somepony-someone-else if you-"

"It's okay, Twilight, it's okay," I sighed, allowing myself a little smile. I reached out to rub the top of her head reassuringly, and the tension lessened just a bit, "I'm just... A little groggy. Let's meet in the living room with some hot cocoa, okay?"

"Okay..."

A few minutes later, we were sitting on the couch with hot cocoa. I'd given Twilight extra marshmallows, just how she liked it. She barely toughed it though, only sipping a little at the sweet brew. I smiled at her, now a bit more awake.

"What's up?" I asked kindly.

Twilight stared out somewhere I couldn't see.

"... I feel like... I'm wondering..." She huffed. "I feel like I'm... I'm wondering if I'm... Any good. At all."

I blinked. I blinked again.

"What brought this on?" I asked softly. Shouting incredulously just got her more worked up, and I'd learned long ago that the best way to balance out the sometimes unbalanced book horse was to stay. Calm.

"I've just... I'm the Princess of Friendship," Twilight admitted, "and everything I've done, all I've accomplished, has been because of friendship. Because of my friends. Because I care for them, trust them. We work together. To the point that... Sometimes... I wonder if I'm... What I bring to the table. If I'm just... A bridge. A conduit. A faciliator."

She snorted.

"I feel like a fraud sometimes," she admitted, "because yeah, I love my friends. We've done so many amazing things together, but... But I still feel anger at them. Irritation. We've had fights. Tartarus, we've had fights."

She looked over at me meekly. I nodded back to her.

"Yes, we have," I said.

Twilight's lust for knowledge had rubbed me the wrong way more than a few times... And her lust for me had, at times, been weird and disturbing. Not because she was some kind of pervert!

... Okay so she was kind of a pervert. Sometimes. The brainy birds are kinkiest, as the British might say.

And she could come off as a mad scientist.

"I am still so sorry for misplacing your body parts," Twilight murmured, ashamed. "Carrying your living head around on a keychain was also pretty bad."

"It wasn't ideal, I'll admit," I said dryly. Twilight winced.

"I just... I'm questioning so much. I cause so many disasters and I freak out and over react-Are-Are you all just tolerating me?! Is that what we do?! Tolerate one another and feed off what little real affection we have for one another for a real crisis?!"

"Twilight Sparkle," I stated firmly, and loudly enough to get her attention, "that is the last thing you should think. And Celestia would be really angry to hear you say anything like that! I mean, what the hell is making you think like this?!"

Twilight looked down, a bit ashamed.

"All these nobles complimenting me, saying what a paragon I am, how amazing I am," she murmured, "it's... Like the same thing they'd do when I was Celestia's apprentice. All just doing it just to get access to Celestia, or my power, or... Favors. And I just look back on my friendships and I see everything as a transaction! Endless favors going back and forth! And our disagreements, and our problems and... And I feel like a fraud!"

She was tearing up now.

"Everything I've learned about friendship, I'm just scared that it's all... So easily traded away, taken for granted, lost... I-I'm not perfect, Shepherd! I know I'm not! I know those ponies just want me for power but... But what if that's all friendship is?"

I wrapped an arm around her, and pulled her close. I rested by head atop hers.

"If you see everything as some... Some trinket to be gained, something to trade for, something to gain material wealth or influence for, yes, that's all friendship is to those assholes," I murmured, stroking her wings. She sighed softly. "Yeah. If that's how you see the world, then of course everything's a cynical, miserable gain where everyone's out for themselves."

I nuzzled her.

"So what do you believe, Twilight?" I asked. "Is friendship just a means of getting what you want? Is it supposed to be perfect? Is it easy to understand and master, or is it something you are continually learning about, every day, because of how complex and amazing it is?"

Twilight was silent. She sniffled a bit, and smiled up at me.

"... I think I've been spending too much time in Canterlot lately," she murmured, "and not enough time here."

I smiled and nodded. I planted a kiss on her cheek, and she flushed deeply.

On one hand, her incredible intelligence let her get to conclusions quickly. So when she was scared and insecure, her brain could run away with her until all that she could conclude was darkness based on a few bits of data.

On the other hand... That same intelligence let her figure out when she was led astray, and get back where she needed to be.

"We're always going to have doubts, Twilight," I admitted, "you've listened to plenty of mine. And you didn't use it against me, or-or act like you had something over me. You just helped, Twilight. For me, that's friendship."

"Friendship is also you and Chewie beating the manure out of eachother," Twilight snorted. I chuckled, and pinched her bottom playfully. She yelped, and blushed.

"Friendship can be a lot of things," I said, "it's not something you can just put into one box. But you know what it isn't. It's love, Twilight. And you're just full of it."

"Cadence is the Alicorn of Love," Twilight pointed out. I rolled my eyes.

"Screw your weird little magical classifications-Love is to care for someone or something enough that concerns for yourself are secondary. There's a saying on my world, from the Bible. It goes: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

I smiled warmly at her, as she blushed deeply.

"We're already going to have disagreements and issues and selfish desires, but love-friendship-is what keeps us together, to find the best in each other. You do that with everyone, Twilight. Even me, a scruffy ape from another universe."

"You're not that scruffy," Twilight mumbled, nuzzling into me.

"I could be less scruffy," I teased back. Twilight sighed, and cuddled up in my lap.

"Thank you," she murmured. "I'm sorry I keep bothering you and-"

"Shush," I huffed, swatting her on her backside.

"Eep!"

"I didn't have to talk to you and listen or anything," I muttered, "but I like making you feel better. And with how smart you are, I kind of enjoy the moments when you're being dumb and I can actually feel like I've got brains."

Twilight giggled, and nuzzled into me.

"Yeah, because that's why I love you," she said dryly.

"You know it..."

Author's Note

Yes I'm still alive! My muse is still stuck on Basic Bitch Normie Fantasy (Harry Potter) for some reason, but I'm still here and still writing!

That and my new job is taking up a lot of energy, but it's my dream job and so it's a good thing.

Nevertheless, I'm gonna try to get this show back on the road.

Sleeping with Mares-Celestia

The repairs to Canterlot after the Changeling invasion were still taking time, and I was technically part of the decision makers. So I'd spent the entire day helping with the repairs, directing guard rotations, and filling out reports to hopefully ensure something like this never happened again.

Suffice it to say, I was exhausted. Even magically enhanced food and coffee could only keep me going for so long. I trudged up to my guest quarters in the palace. Many refugees who had lost their homes were staying in the palace, and that meant space was at a premium. So I was fortunate I had somewhere to sleep.

Or so I thought...

I had just made it to the door to my quarters, my hand reaching for the handle, when the door swung open. A few foals ran out, laughing and playing. They all stopped and stared up at me in amazement... As did their parents. I blinked.

"Uh... Hey. I thought these were my quarters-"

The stallion, clearly the father, stepped forward and bowed his head.

"Oh no! Ser Human! We-We didn't know! We're so sorry! We'll be going right away and-" The father tried, but I interrupted him by holding up my hand.

"No, no! It's fine. You have little ones. I can find somewhere else to sleep for the night."

"Are-Are you sure?" The mother asked anxiously. Another look at the foals, and my mind was made up.

"Just let me grab my things and I'll be out of your manes, okay? It's okay, really," I said kindly.

I got my stuff, again insisted it was fine, and stepped out. I smiled at the foals and waved at them cheerfully, which made them happy, before I politely left. When the door shut, I sighed, my shoulders drooping.

"I am just too goddamned nice for my own good sometimes..." I mumbled.

"Perhaps."

"GAH!" I jumped and turned around, beholding Princess Celestia standing before me. "Ah! Your Highness!"

Celestia smiled sadly, and bowed her head.

"I'm sorry... I forgot those were your quarters. I've been trying to find room for everypony, and that family-"

"Forget it," I said, waving my hand dismissively, "I can handle sleeping in the barracks for a night or... A few nights."

Celestia continued to smile sadly.

"Barracks are full, I'm afraid."

Oh perfect. I sighed and rubbed the back of my head.

"... I'll just find a place in the gardens then. A bench or something. Chewie will be happy, we'll have a sleepover-"

"There is an alternative," Celestia suggested gently. I looked at her, tilting my head curiously.

"And that is?"

With a huge flash of light, Celestia teleported us both to her royal bed chambers. She smiles at me, and slid up onto her bed. I blinked as my brain put some things together.

:... Er... I mean-"

"Twilight Sparkle has written that you sleep better with company," she said, and I cursed the Book Horse and her thoroughness, "her parents have already taken her and the other Elements in, along with Spike. They can't take anypony else."

"She really needs to learn how to keep stuff to herself..." I grumbled, before I looked at her in concern. "I'm more concerned about... How this might look?"

"The gossip columns all say you're sleeping with me and my sister already. Believe me, Shepherd, I am no stranger to scandal."

It was hard to imagine she'd put her reputation on the line for me. Her life, sure, but...

"Well... That is, you see," I tried.

Celestia sighed, and scowled at me in a bit of irritation.

"Ser Shepherd! As a knight sworn to my service, I order you to come to bed and rest this instant!"

I threw my hands out in exasperation.

"That isn't actually helping!"

"Hm. I suppose you're not the type of stallion who enjoys being pushed around," Celestia said with a bright, cheeky grin "Good to know!"

I rolled my eyes, pulled off my outer layer of clothes, and crawled onto bed next to her. I sighed as I pulled the sheets up over my body.

"You're lucky I'm too tired to argue, so... Fine."

Celestia cuddled up to me.

"Mmm... See? Isn't this better than sleeping outside?"

She tugged on the sheets and pulled me closer to her. I instinctively wriggled away a few inches.

"I'll get back to you on that."

"You know," Celestia observed, and I could hear the smile in her voice, "most stallions would be thrilled at the prospect of being in bed with me."

"Yeah well, most stallions don't know you're a sheet hog."

Celestia chuckled, and snuggled up to me.

"That just means we need to get closer together~."

"Oh God," I mumbled, "I don't know who will kill me first: Luna or Twilight."

"What about Fluttershy?" Celestia asked teasingly.

"I think she's open to sharing, but the other two..."

Celestia giggled.

"I'll handle them... Now sleep, my little human."

I crossed my arms over my chest, quite maturely, and snuggled up against the very warm pony princess despite my annoyance.

"Razzam frazzam pony princesses... Hate you all..."

Celestia nuzzled the top of my head, and placed a kiss on my forehead. It sent a surge of relaxing warmth through me, as I began to drift off.

"We love you too, Shepherd," she murmured.

I had no bad dreams that night.

Author's Note

I know, it's been a while. What can I say, here I am.

Small Returns 1

A razor sharp stinger, with a bulb as big as my skull and a fang as long as my forearm shot for me like an arrow from a bow. I swung my sword and parried it, as the manticore roared and struck with his tail again and again. I parried the next hit, then dodged to the left. Chewie, anticipating this, swung a mighty paw at me with razor sharp claws as long as shark teeth.

I spun away, the claws slashing across my side. I grit my teeth as the giant spider silk vest I wore was torn. Chewie flapped his wings, kicking up dust into my eyes. I threw my sword at him, and the big guy slapped the blade away to try and pounce! I pulled my sawn off shotgun, just as he slammed me into the dirt!

... Then promptly licked me. I sputtered, dropping my weapons with a giggle.

"Okay, okay! You got me, you got me!" I wheezed. I winced, holding my side as the big manticore pulled back, "geez... Got to the skin that time, man!"

Chewie growled at me. I shrugged.

"Yeah, I told you to give it your all," I sighed, getting up to my feet. I grumbled a bit. "Boy am I regretting it..."

I picked up my sword, shield and shotgun, and stood ready.

"Okay! Again!"

Chewie grunted and rawred at me. I blinked.

"What, you gotta cut it short? Why?"

Chewie made some gestures that would be considered quite rude by human standards... Maybe. It was hard to tell. Still, I got the gist of it.

"Oh... Special lady, huh?" I asked with a grin. "Well! Good luck, bro! You've got this!"

Chewie grunted happily, and flew off. I limped a bit, heading for home, as the sun began to set. Three little fillies were doing some work at a table on my way to my house, and they beamed happily as they saw me.

"Hi Shepherd!" They chorused.

"Hey Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo," I said, "what are you up to?" I looked over the table. It had lots of beakers and bottles, and a pitcher of something that smelled... Fruity? And kind of like honey. "Juice stand?"

"Well, actually-" Applebloom tried, but Scootaloo nodded.

"Pretty much!" She said happily, "we're trying to get a cutie mark for beverages! How are you?"

"Eh," I shrugged, "feeling a bit old and worn out."

"Really?" Sweetie Belle asked, cocking her head, "that's weird. You're not that old... Right? For a human?"

"No, but... Some stuff can really age you," I sighed. I looked up at the stars. "What can I say... Lots of stuff can make you think... And the more you think, the more you reflect on, well... Your existence and stuff."

"Wow," Applebloom breathed, "that's... really deep."

I shrugged.

"I guess so," I said. Applebloom grabbed the pitcher of stuff, and shoved it at me.

"Here! This'll make you feel tons better!" She said. "It's juice from an old recipe we found in Granny's attic!"

I examined the stuff... Then shrugged. What the hell.

"Thank you," I said. I grabbed the pitcher, tilted it back, and chugged it. I was very thirsty... And this stuff was very refreshing!

I polished off the whole thing, and beamed at the three smiling fillies.

"Great job, girls!" I said. "That really hit the spot!"

"So, uh, you gonna pay us?" Sweetie Belle asked, looking cute despite her tactless demand. I sighed, and pulled out a few bits with a smile. I placed them on the table.

"You earned it," I said. I headed off to my home, already thinking about how good it was going to feel to just hit the pillow...

I woke up with a yawn, and stretched my arms over my head. I beamed. Huh! I didn't feel sore! Usually I'd be achy after a bout with Chewie, but this morning? Not a single twitch!

Maybe that juice had done me good? It had relaxed me so much, I'd dropped right to sleep.

I slid myself out of bed, to the floor... And fell, hard.

"OW!" I squeaked. I blinked, and sat back. I stared at my legs... Then my arms...

No hair was on my body. Everything was smooth... And short...

"What in the...?!"

I covered my mouth.

No. No way. That was not my voice!

My sleeping clothes were practically falling off me. I staggered up to my feet, and tied them as tightly as I could. I rushed to the bathroom, heart pounding in my much smaller chest.

The sink had been designed for a pony, so it was quite short for me... Usually. Now, it was almost too tall. But that was good, seeing as I could get a view of myself in the mirror.

A view of my eight or ten year old self in the mirror.

"... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" I screamed.

I heard a familiar rustle of wings through my window, and I looked over to see Fluttershy swoop in. Her eyes were wide.

"Shepherd?! Are you all right?! I was p-passing by and I heard you and... And..."

She stared.

"Uh," I began, "Fluttershy, I know what you're thinking... It's me. It's Shepherd! I-I'm just... I just...!"

Fluttershy... squeed, and wrapped her hooves and wings around me in a tight hug.

"Oh Shepherd! You're so... So... Cyuuuute!"

I groaned.

That's it. First? I'm gonna figure out how to get back to my actual age. And second?

I'm gonna kill the Cutie Mark Crusaders!

... Well okay, not kill them, but they're getting grounded for sure, damnit!

Thankfully, Twilight Sparkle is always quick on the uptake. She immediately took me to the library to examine me (With Fluttershy along), and called the Apples over too.

As I sat in the exam chair, various magical electrodes attached to me as I sulked, Spike walked up and patted me on the arm.

"Don't worry, Shepherd," he said, "we'll find a cure."

"Thanks Spike," I said sincerely, "geez... I mean, everyone wishes to be younger but literally?! Ugh... I'm gonna have to go through puberty again if they can't fix this!"

"Maybe you'll get it right this time," Spike suggested. I snorted back, fighting a smile.

"Oh yeah, like you're gonna ace it?"

"I was taught by Princess Celestia herself," Spike said with a grin, "and Twilight. I know what's coming! I'll handle it!"

"As easily as Twilight handled her adolescence?" I asked dryly.

Spike snorted.

"Least I'll know what not to do," he said.

Geez, his snark game was on point today. Then again, I had been turned into a kid. He was probably loving this.

Spike hummed, held his hand against the top of his head spine, and then pressed it to just above my head. I scowled.

"What?"

Spike grinned.

"What do you know? I'm finally taller than you!"

Yup. Definitely loving this.

The door to the lab opened, and Fluttershy glided down with a plate of food and cups of drink. She was even wearing a cute apron as she balanced everything perfectly with a happy smile. My mouth immediately began to water, and my stomach growled.

"I thought you might be hungry, so I made you breakfast, Shepherd," Fluttershy said, "um, if you-you don't mind?"

"Thanks so much, Fluttershy!" I said happily, "I didn't get a chance to eat."

"And I got some gemstones for you too, Spike," Fluttershy said, holding out a plate of said rocks to Spike. He took them with a grateful smile.

"Thanks Fluttershy!"

We both dug in eagerly. I groaned happily. Maybe my tastebuds were less refined, but the bacon tasted even more heavenly than usual.

"Mmm... I had no idea you knew how to make bacon and eggs!" I said happily.

"Well, uh, I do have to feed a lot of carnivores," Fluttershy explained, "and cooked meat lasts longer, and um, you do like bacon a lot..."

There were even pancakes, with a smiley face of fruit. I gobbled it all down.

"Oh my, you're so hungry at this age," Fluttershy observed, a hoof over her chin, "I suppose you would be growing very quickly at this stage of your development. It's fascinating!"

"Well, least he'll be growing up instead of out, that'll be a nice change," Spike snarked.

"I wouldn't be talking dude," I snorted, "your jelly belly ain't going nowhere."

"Now now, you two should play nice," Fluttershy admonished gently. Spike grinned.

"Oh man! She's already acting like your mom, Shepherd!"

"M-M-M-Mother?!" Fluttershy gasped, turning bright red.

"Where before, she was only acting like your wife!" Spike added, his teeth sharp as he went in for the kill.

"W-W-W-W-W-W-!"

Fluttershy turned away, blushing up a storm as she began to tremble. I glared at Spike.

"Dude!"

"Sorry, sorry, went too far," Spike winced, "I'm sorry, Fluttershy, I didn't mean-"

Fluttershy immediately flew up to Spike and grabbed his shoulders with her hooves. It was so fast I could barely follow her movements!

"No! No, I-I'd be a good wife and mother! R-R-R-Right?" She managed, wide eyed.

"Uhhh... Y-Yeah, that's why I said so," Spike said gently.

"Even... F-For..." She tried to peek at me... And then fainted dead away. I scowled at Spike.

"Seriously man?! SERIOUSLY?!"

"I'm sorry," Spike said, "with you being pint sized, I just couldn't control myself!"

Author's Note

Yeah, we're back. The Grand Galloping Gala Arc will be finished soon, but I had to get back into Pony.

Flutterwin

Fluttershy sighed. Discord stared in concern at his friend.

"Hm? Fluttershy? You all right?"

Fluttershy turned a kind smile on the draconequss.

"Oh, I'm fine... Just... A little unhappy."

"Oh? Why is that?" Discord asked, leaning in as the wallpaper turned into eyes.

Behind Fluttershy, that is. It wouldn't do to make her uncomfortable.

"Well... I really like Shepherd, but well... It's hard to assume a form that is compatible with him. I can't just make Twilight do it all the time..."

"Yes, she can be quite... Stingy with the transformation at times," Discord observed. "But why not ask me?"

"Well, I don't want to just ask you for favors like that," Fluttershy blushed hard, "um, all the time..."

Discord chuckled.

"Well, I suppose that makes sense... Wait!"

Several lightbulbs shaped as lemons lit up over his head.

"That's it! Why don't I make it easy for you to do the transformation instead?"

Fluttershy blinked.

"Er, that would be nice... But how?"

Discord grinned.

"Oh, you'll see~..."

"Andrew~... Andrewww~..."

I blinked a few times as I slowly woke up. I sat up in my bed, and blinked a few times as I yawned.

"Uwahh... Ah?" I blinked repeatedly. Floating just outside my window was a beautiful, naked woman. Her long pink hair was flowing around her like she was in a L'Oreal commercial, as a horn glowed in her forehead and her wings slowly flapped. She was incredibly ethereal, shining like the full moon.

She floated in, a warm loving smile on her face as she crossed the threshold to alight on the edge of my bed.

"... Fluttershy?" I finally asked. She nodded.

"Mmhm."

"... You're naked," I pointed out. She giggled.

"I usually am."

Okay, she had a point.

"Um... You're also floating and human and... Have a horn-OOPH!" She pounced on me, pinning me to the mattress. I gulped as her expression became... Hungry.

"There's something I heard in one of your human science fiction shows," she purred.

"Um... 'Let the human go?'" I guessed. Well, pleaded.

"Resistance. Is. Futile," she growled.

Discord skipped across the grass field, hopping from one foot to another and spinning around cheerfully.

"Doo doo doo... Dah dah dah... I don't know what to say to you~..." Discord looked off to the left and raised his eyebrows. "Is it a Sting reference? A Mystery Science Theater 3000 reference? Or both? You decide!" He turned back and walked up to the front door of Andrew's house. He knocked on the door... Only to have it open for him. He blinked.

"Hm?"

"Oh! Oh... Good morning Discord!" Fluttershy said cheerfully. She was in human... Alicorn... humalicorn form, he guessed, and smoking what appeared to be a cigarette. She was also wrapped in a robe. She sighed happily. "Ahhh~..."

"Ahhh... Fluttershy! Nice to see you... Where's Shepherd?" Discord asked, feeling a bit put off. Fluttershy had a real talent for that.

"Oh... He probably won't be... Um... Getting up for a while," she said. She giggled, and flew off singing a happy tune. Discord followed her with his eyes, and then stuck them back in his head. He shrugged.

"Hello? Andrew? Hello?" Discord poked his head through the nearby mirror into Andrew's bedroom. "Andrew I-Woah!" Discord covered his eyes with one claw. "Woah... Andrew! Have a bit of decency when you're in a post-coital coma!"

"Uwaahhhhh..." Andrew managed from his position on the floor. Discord hummed.

"I've gotta say, that little butterfly keeps impressing me more and more..." He grinned, and held up a camera phone.

"Nngh...!"

"Sorry Shepherd! But I just can't pass up the chance for a bit more chaos! Chaos before bros, after all."

"Grrgle..."

"I know, I know, you hate me. What else is new?"

Author's Note

Because this is an anthology, after all. And I had to come up with something for Christmas.

Oblivious

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

It was fortunate that the Ponies had some familiarity with larger beings for building beds. It was equally fortunate that Celestia had given me a nice stipend-Apparently I was officially classed as a “political refugee” from another dimension, which gave me some coin to work with. Which meant I got myself a nice, big, king-sized bed in a bedroom that was almost too small for it.

But who cared? I had a nice, big, comfortable bed I could come home to every night after a hard day’s work. It almost felt like sleeping on a cloud!

Maybe it was. A magic cloud. I hadn’t examined the insides too thoroughly, though maybe I should. Who knew what a society with free use magic would do with the most innocuous items?

Anyway, the short version was: My bed was fantastic. All it needed was a beautiful someone to wake up with.

“Hnn…”

I slowly opened my eyes, and saw a mess of pink hair up against my chest. I felt a small, warm body curled up next to mine. I looked the intruder over, momentarily worried… But the butter yellow fur and butterfly-shaped cutie mark calmed me down. I smiled down at the cute little mare who was sleeping peacefully against me.

"Fluttershy... Fluttershy...? It's time to get up,” I murmured, gently bumping her with my arm.

The little mare’s eyelids fluttered open, and she looked up with a confused blush.

"Mmmph... Oh! Oh my... I... It happened again, didn't it?"

I nodded slowly, and patted the top of her head.

“Yeah, it did,” I said. She looked apologetic, before she began to fret.

“Oh, I-I’m so sorry,” she said, “I mean, not that you’re not comfortable-I mean! I’m sorry to be a bother-!”

I sighed and booped her lightly on her nose. That stopped her in her tracks and she looked up at me shyly.

"It's okay Fluttershy. I actually like you cuddling with me. It helps me sleep,” I said with a smile. "If you're lonely, you just have to say so."

Granted, it would have been nicer if she was a human woman. Who was actually attracted to me. But just having a warm, caring presence with you in bed was enough to alleviate a lot of my loneliness. The bright smile she wore was nice compensation as well.

"R-Really?" She asked softly, hopefully. I nodded, and shrugged.

“Sure thing.”

That said, there was one weird thing I discovered as I pulled the blankets off to get out of bed. I paused, then studied her attire curiously.

“... What's with the negligee?” I asked.

Fluttershy blushed harder, and twirled the tip of her hoof around on the mattress. She looked up, her eyes barely able to meet mine. She then spoke, in a lower, almost smoky tone of voice as her bangs concealed one of her eyes.

"Do... Do you like it? If not, I-I can... Just take it... Off..."

I blinked. I blinked again. She couldn’t possibly… I mean, what if she…?

… Nah!

"I... Guess?” I replied, shrugged. “I mean you do run around naked most of the time anyway."

Fluttershy blinked, and then pulled a blanket up over herself again.

"Oh, um... I... Uh..."

I yawned.

"Anyway... Time to get up and going," I said as I tried to get out of the bed. Tried being the operative word, since she immediately wrapped her hooves around my arm.

"Y-You know, we could... Spend a little more time… In-in bed? I-I might need help getting the negligee off!" She asked. I blinked, and sighed. She was always so skittish, wasn’t she? I gave her a warm hug, and nuzzled the top of her head. She sighed happily.

"Come on Fluttershy,” I said, “we can’t spend all day in bed. Besides, you have your animals to feed."

Fluttershy trembled. She then spoke up again.

"They... They can handle themselves for one m-morning! We could stay in bed t-t-together! S-See... See what happens?"

I sighed, and patted Fluttershy on her head.

"Thank you Fluttershy, but I don't need that much cuddling. You're a really good friend though." I smiled at her warmly.

Fluttershy’s expression drooped slightly, but she smiled back.

"Oh... Okay."

She almost looked disappointed. I hugged her again.

“I don’t want to be any bother,” I assured her. “Come on. If you’d like, I’ll help you feed your animals? I do need to fix your chicken coop.”

“That would be lovely, thank you Shepherd,” Fluttershy said gratefully. I smiled back and got out of bed. My feet hit the wooden floor and I whistled as I began to pull off my pajamas.

I still retained human modesty outside, but around Fluttershy? She worked with animals all the time, I wasn’t anything she hadn’t seen already.

Fluttershy

Oh… Curse her shyness! She tried, and tried, but she couldn’t just… Just say it!

Is that what he needed? For her to spell it out? Was he that dense?

No, no, don’t be mean. He wasn’t dense. He was quite intelligent, after all, as well as brave. But what was she doing wrong? She was doing everything Rarity had suggested!

She sighed, as Angel Bunny popped up in the window. He made a few motions with his paws, pointing at him in the shower. She steeled her courage again, and spoke up.

"Um... Shepherd? I... I could use a shower too!" She called.

Shepherd called back over the sound of the falling water.

"Don't worry! You can use it when I'm done!"

Angel glared, and pointed again at the shower, then at Fluttershy. She nodded, and sucked in a deep breath.

"C-Couldn't... Couldn't... Couldn't we use it... T-T-Together?" She asked.

There was a pause.

“Sorry Fluttershy! There isn't enough room for us to be comfortable. I'll be done soon!"

Angel Bunny holds up a cotton ball and a small bottle of chloroform. Fluttershy scowled and shook her head. Her pet was going too far!

"No! Bad Angel! We're not doing that! .... No matter what I may have said while drinking that cider!"

Angel Bunny rolled his eyes and sighed.

Author's Note

The first of several snap shots of Andrew Shepherd's new misadventures. A whole new generation of awkward human in Equestria stories. Stay tuned!

Thorns, Part 1

Short Hand

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

The simple truth is that in Equestria, you’ve taken a few technological steps backwards. They do have video games of a sort, but no internet to use them on. They have record players to play music on, but that’s about as far as it’s gone. They might have radios, but they’re not widely distributed. It’s frankly a bit of an anachronism salad.

Perhaps it’s because they’d had bits of human technology pop in every now and again to influence their development. After all, they had plenty of stuff locked up in their ancient human archives. A lot of stuff I’d helpfully identified for them.

And some I hadn’t, but that’s another story entirely.

But hey! I’d gotten a lot of nice things out of the deal. Not just pay, but plenty of stuff. Like a nice, full sized violin.

Equestria was at a technological level where you had a lot more musicians around plying their trade. It inspired me to try and get back into playing my own musical instrument: The violin.

There wasn’t a great deal of call for classical violin around these parts though. So I decided I’d expand my repertoire a bit.

It had almost broken me at first, but I’d adapted. Yes, dear readers… I learned how to play fiddle style.

“Let’s see,” I muttered, peering at the sheet music as I sat under one of the Apple family’s numerous apple trees. I held my instrument and my bow, enjoying the feeling of the instrument in my arms. I ran the rosined bow down the strings, and went through a few scales. The sound made me smile. It was like an old friend who had come back after many years.

“Okay,” I sighed, satisfied my fingers were nice and limber. I began tapping my toe to keep the rhythm straight.
“Let’s try this…”

The sheet music wasn’t that different from Earth’s-I guess the song had made it here too. But it just lacked that special something without the lyrics. So I sang.

“Baton Rouge, Louisiana; Indianapolis, Indiana
And Columbus is the capital of Ohio
There's Montgomery, Alabama, south of Helena, Montana
Then there's Denver, Colorado, under Boise, Idaho~...”

The actual name for the song is “Turkey in the Straw”, but why let that spoil a good song? Though I wouldn’t say I was anywhere near as good a singer as Wakko Warner.

“Texas has Austin, then we go north
To Massachusetts, Boston and Albany, New York
Tallahassee, Florida and Washington D.C.
Santa Fe, New Mexico and
Nashville, Tenne-SEE?!”

I yelped as I felt something slither past my boot. I jumped up, pulling my violin away, searching for a snake. Instead I saw…

Vines. Thousands of them, thick and spiny, like something out of Sleeping Beauty. All crawling across the ground thick as locusts hungry for crops. I stood up, pulling my music and violin case up. I followed the source of the vines-They were streaming out of the Everfree Forest. Again, the place I fell into that is full of scary, deadly, horrific monsters.

I suppose it really shouldn’t be a surprise, terrible shit coming out of there. This was probably something to tell Twilight about. Given her thing about saving Equestria and all.

I hiked my way over to my house first. Unfortunately many vines were already in the way, and the inhabitants were panicking. I sighed heavily.

Well I wasn’t doing any good just standing around. So, as I had learned whenever something weird happened in Ponyville, it was best to be prepared.

I got into my house, and barred the door against the vines. I then shoved bookcases and anything else I could against the windows. Finally, I walked to my closet, and started getting my gear. Along with a backpack full of medical supplies and other useful kit, I had something else.

The amount of human artifacts that Celestia and Luna had collected over the years was huge. And thankfully for me, it had many, many weapons with ammunition.

Like a very nice .45 Colt Single Action Army revolver. It was engraved with 1967, so fairly old but still in working order. Another gun I’d found was a Winchester M97 pump action shotgun, with several bags of shells emblazoned with US ARMY on them. I figured they may have come out of World War II, but I didn’t know for sure.

And of course, there were several, several AK-47s. Of various build qualities and designs. I’d taken the ones with the least wood in it, and all of its 7.62×39mm ammo. There was plenty. It seemed to be a WASR-10, judging from the Romanian on the barrel and that it was only semi-automatic, but I wasn’t entirely sure.

And yes, I had practiced shooting with them all, as often as I could manage, on the outskirts of the town.

Look, if you lived in a town with as many monster attacks as Ponyville, of course you’d want to be armed! And it wasn’t like I was going to make my own firearms. Who was gonna help me? The Cutie Mark Crusaders?

Anyway, all of this was quite heavy, along with all the ammo I could pack into a duffle bag. I grabbed a machete I’d also taken from the ancient human archives, and turned around. I opened the door… And the vines began to immediately surge in after me!

“Oh for…!” I grabbed the duffle bag and hefted it over my shoulder. I grunted as I swung the machete as hard as I could, slashing through the vines as furiously as I could. I forced my way out, swinging hard, and shut the door after me. I stood there, panting, leaning against my house.

“Haa… Haa… Haa…” I shook my head. “Holy shit…”

The entire town was now covered in horrible vines. Everywhere, making walking difficult at best. One orange pony was trapped in her cart, and screaming for help.

“HELP! HELP ME!” She cried. I stomped my way through, my tough boots able to resist the thorns but my pants weren’t doing as hot. I slashed my way through, my strikes with my machete now driven by sheer anger. This was just insane! I got to the cart, and slashed through the vines threatening to crush the mare. I slashed them apart, the vines falling apart gushing plant juices. I reached in and the mare wrapped her hooves around me. I pulled her out, and she clung to my torso desperately. I ran over to the nearest shop, whose owners opened their windows. I let the mare get through, and she fell in just before more vines sprang up to capture her.

She watched me with the shop owners in dismay, as I stumbled back. I looked around: The vines were starting to curl in my direction.

Okay, so it was clear some kind of intelligence was directing this. An invasion by some evil horde of orcs? The plot of an evil sorceress? Gozer the Gozarian?

Probably not that last one, but you never know.

Well, I knew one place to find allies to help. I ran for it, the vines trying to bar my way. I swung my machete hard, cutting my way through the barrier. I reached a relatively free area-A straight shot right to the Golden Oak Library!
I ran for it, the heavy duffle bag of guns and ammo weighing me down as I sprinted as fast as I could! Which is a lot harder than it sounds, let me tell you. My heart was pounding in my chest as the door came closer, closer… The vines were already growing faster, trying to reach out for me and wrap their tendrils around me!

“YAH!” I swung my machete in a wide circle, cutting through several vines. It burnt a lot of energy, and was frankly tiring, but it bought me the time to yank open the door and dive in. I slammed the door shut behind me, falling down hard onto my knees.

“Haa… Haa… Haa…”

“YAHHHH!” I looked up just in time to see Spike charging at me. I held up my hands.

“SPIKE! Spike, calm down! It’s me!” I shouted. The dragon skidded to a halt, his tiny claws digging into the wood. He stared in shock.

“Shepherd?! How did you get here?!”

I held up my machete, panting hard. I wiped the sweat from my brow. I looked around the dark library.

“Where is everypony?” I asked. “I mean everybody-Nevermind, where are they?”

“They’re trying to find the source of all this!” Spike cried. “It’s happening all over Equestria!”

“Seriously?” I asked in disbelief, as the little dragon nodded eagerly. “It’s a freaking invasion!”

“I know!” Spike cried. “But they think the source is the Everfree Forest!”

I sighed and wiped my temples. “Okay,” I panted, “okay. So it’s right here and they’re going to Rainbow Nuke the problem, right?”

Spike blinked. “Huh? Rainbow Nu-Oh! The Elements? They didn’t take them.”

The sound of the living vines scraping against the outside of the tree was the only thing that registered for several seconds. I very slowly looked up and stared intently at Spike.

“Let me get this straight,” I said, slowly and deliberately, “there are evil thorny vines trying to penetrate all of Equestria like it’s a particularly kinky Japanese schoolgirl, and they didn’t take the magical superweapons that lets them fight evil?!”

Spike coughed.

“I-I mean, um,” the dragon said. I grabbed Spike by his scaly shoulders and looked him right in the eyes.

“First off,” I growled, “you’re going to forge Twilight’s hornwriting or whatever and send a letter requesting the Elements of Harmony.”

“F-F-Forge?!” Spike squeaked, trembling in my grip, “I can’t forge her hornwriting! I-I wouldn’t even know-”

“Power Ponies. First. Edition, “ I stated. Spike cringed. I glared at him. I glared harder. Spike wilted, and sighed.

“Okay, fine,” he muttered. “I’ll do that… And then what?”

“Second,” I said, “you know how to fly Twilight’s balloon?”

As it turned out, he did. And it was anchored above the thorns, so we just had to climb into the basket. Which, combined with the weight of my duffle bag and the briefcase for the Elements of Harmony was just loads of fun, let me tell you.

Twilight was going to need a new balcony. But hey, understandable in the situation, right? Right.

Anyway, Spike’s magical flame breath had us floating high above the grasping vines, and over the Everfree Forest. The vines could be seen for miles, snaking through the trees of the forest like the threads of a gigantic spiderweb. Some were huge enough they were sticking out of the forest canopy, waving like snake tails. There were many beasts and monsters growling and snarling beneath us, audible even at this altitude.

Since when was Equestria like the Darkroot Garden?! God how I wish Solaire was with us. I sighed and looked over at Spike, who wasn’t in a much better mood.

“Do you even have a plan?!” The dragon asked.

“Yes,” I said. “One, find Twilight and the others. Two, give them the Friendship Deathray. Three? If that doesn’t work, shoot Evil in the face. Four? Repeat as needed. Five…” I thought about it and shrugged, ”go home.”

Spike’s jaw dropped.

“That’s it?” Spike demanded. I shrugged.

“Pretty much. I make things up as I go along, really,” I admitted. ”Besides, what do you have to worry about? You’re a dragon! You can breath fire, eat gems and wade through lava. I’m the squishy one.”

Spike sighed and rolled his eyes, leaning against the side of the basket.

“I don’t have a problem with that! Well I do, but that’s not my main problem: I mean, Twilight went with the others! Don’t you trust them?” He asked. I waved my hand out, trying to encompass the entirety of the situation.

“Of course I trust them!” I shouted. “But I trust them a hell of a lot more when they’re at their best!”

Spike grumbled, and crossed his arms.

“Yeah, still,” he said. “This is really dangerous.”

“Yeah, I know,” I stated, “but we need to do something.”

Spike nodded slowly, crossing his arms. “Yeah, I suppose so-” Spike started, and his eyes went wide. I looked over my shoulder, and-Oh yeah. Something big, scary, and with lots of teeth was flying at us. I looked back at Spike, as I rummaged around in the duffle bag.

“Can you lose him?” I asked urgently. Spike shook his head rapidly.

“It’s a balloon, not an airship! I can try though!” He took a deep breath, and shot a massive blast of green fire up into the balloon. We gained altitude, but it wasn’t much. It did, however, make the flying monster miss us. It circled around, flapping its huge wings to match our height.

All of which gave me enough time to get my AK out, and load it. Just as importantly, I shoved some cotton balls into my ears. I took aim.

“You might wanna cover your ears!” I shouted at Spike. I waited until the beast was lined up with the iron sights. I released the safety. And with just a bit of difficulty, I squeezed the trigger.

The WASR-10 is a civilian model of the AK-47, so no fully automatic gunfire mode. That suited me fine, as shooting a gun in a swinging hot air balloon basket is hard enough without it spraying bullets everywhere. The retort was loud and the kickback was fierce into my shoulder, and Spike yelped as he held the sides of his head.

The beast was surprised, either by the sound or by the bullet hitting it, but it immediately careened away. I fired a second shot at its retreating backside, not aiming too hard but more just to keep it fleeing.

Not that I could be sure I’d even hit him the first time.

“Okay,” I said, over the ringing in my ears. I slid the safety back, and pointed the gun up and away from anything. “Okay, that’s sent him off. You okay?”

“ARGH! Wow, that is loud!” Spike groaned. He shook his head. “That’s one of those human things, right?”

“Yeah,” I said. I shrugged. “Probably not much use against magic but hey. Better than nothing.”

“Okay, how about against that?” Spike squeaked. I looked… Just in time to see a gigantic thorny tendril swinging our way. My eyes widened. I pulled the gun and pointed it at the massive vine… But I didn’t even get a chance to shoot as it slapped us right out of the sky!

Not that it would have done us any good as Spike and I held each other, screaming in terror, as we plunged into the forest below!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Author's Note

Got to indulge my inner gun nerd and I compressed a fair amount of stuff that should have been introduced earlier in Hands. Like guns.

Anyway, I'm having Shepherd get involved in one of the most infamous IDW MLP Comic Story Arcs. And it's gonna get crazy. Stay tuned!

EDIT: The gun issues have been resolved, at last.

Grand Galloping Gala Part 1

I opened up my mail box, a plain blue cylinder on a post just outside my fence. I flipped through it as I made my way to my deck, bored beyond belief. Of all the things that had to stay the same between planets, it had to be freaking junk mail and bills.

Still, at the very least I could go through all this in my backyard of my own freaking house, while Chewie sunned himself in some Nepeta cataria I'd planted.

Yes, the gigantic lion scorpion bat monster who was my best bro was indeed enjoying himself some catnip. Hey, gardening was relaxing for both of us this way.

I flipped through the mail as I laid back in my deck chair, enjoying the fading autumn sunlight.

"Let's see... Water bill, electric bill, heating bill," I mumbled, setting them aside in a stack, "magazine subscription, magazine subscription... I may have already won one million bits..."

Chewie purred happily. Which normally, big cats shouldn't be able to do but hey. I wasn't questioning it. It was rather comforting actually.

My eyebrows rose at the gold embossed envelope I found in the stack. I opened it up and read through it.

"As a Knight of Equestria, you are cordially invited to... " I hummed. "The Grand Galloping Gala?"

I looked over at Chewie.

"You have any idea what that is?" I asked.

The manticore purred and licked one of the catnip plants. Right, no help there. I sighed and shook my head.

"Didn't think so," I muttered.

"YOU TOO?!"

"GAH!" I nearly fell out of my deck chair. "Damnit Pinkie I-"

Oh, it was Rarity who was leaning over my fence. That was really surprising. She was practically glowing as she beamed at me.

"Rarity!" I grumbled. "Seriously?"

"It's okay darling, I understand your confusion," Rarity said generously. "I am sorry for scaring you, but this is marvelous! Did the Princess send you a ticket too?"

I rummaged around in the envelope, and pulled out... A golden ticket. I raised an eyebrow and looked over at Rarity. She suppressed a little squeal with her hooves.

"Oh this is just amazing!"

"Okay, what is it?" I asked, feeling a sense of dread settle over me. It was almost always associated with Rarity and that smile of hers. It was the same one she wore when getting Fluttershy and myself ready for our date.

"It's a ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala!" Rarity cried. "Only the most ostentatious, elegant, luxurious and amazing social event in all of Equestria! A grand ball to end all grand balls, right in Canterlot Castle!" She jumped over the fence and slid right up next to me, resting her hooves on the side arm. She beamed widely, her eyes sparkling.

I put things together in my head, using patented Rarity Logic. I closed my eyes in a wince.

"Oh no..."

"YES!" Rarity crowed. "Which mare will you take with you to the Gala?! Who will win your heart at the end of a fantastic night of romance?!"

"Well, sad to say, your dreams of romance are dead on arrival," I stated. I held up the letter. "You see-"

FLASH! Twilight Sparkle appeared in a burst of magic, eyes wide as she landed in my lap.

"URK!" I grunted. Twilight looked at me with a wide, almost manic smile.

"SHEPHERD! I'm so happy to have run into you! At your home! Um, so! I heard about you getting a ticket for the Grand Galloping Gala-From Princess Celestia, I wasn't snooping through your mail!"

"Twilight," I began calmly, gripping her horn firmly. Her eyes crossed. "Right. Breathe. Calm down. And speak. Clearly."

"R-R-Right," Twilight managed, her cheeks blushing. "W-Well, um, seeing that you have a ticket, and I have a ticket-Which I got a few months ago-"

"Yes, I remember," I said slowly. The entire town had apparently been trying to get Twilight to take her with them to some thing. I had no idea it was this thing. I'd been dealing with house repairs all day, what do you want?

"Well," Twilight resumed, "-I-I mean, it's not required or anything but I was really hoping you could-EEK!"

She got bumped out of the chair by Rainbow Dash, who smoothly settled into my lap as Twilight tumbled into the catnip. She gave me a confident smirk as she looked me in the eyes, her hooves resting on my shoulders.

"Wanna go to the Gala, buddy? I mean, just so you can enjoy awesome time with me! Instead of being bored to death listening to Twilight talk about books and junk," she said. She was almost immediately launched off my lap with a burst of magic, as Twilight got back up into my lap.

"I WAS ASKING HIM FIRST, DASH!" Twilight cried. "What happened to being the Element of Loyalty?!"

"Hey! I gave you the chance to spit it out!" Dash protested. "The way you stutter, we'd be here all week!"

"Um," Fluttershy tried, standing outside the fence with an awkward expression on her face, "if-If I'm interrupting-"

"Hey! You already had a date with him Fluttershy! Come on, you owe me!" Dash whined. Fluttershy hummed.

"Well, I guess that would be fair..."

"YES!" Dash cried. "WE'RE GOING TOGETHER-URK!"

Applejack lassoed Dash, and yanked her back over the fence. She bounced on her (admittedly very nice buttocks-Oh damnit hormones) and held her down with a hoof on her back. Dash glared up at Applejack, as the orange farmpony shook her head.

"Landsakes, Rainbow Dash!" Applejack cried, trotting up alongside Fluttershy, "yer gonna scare 'im t' death! Sides, ya ain't lettin' him answer!" She looked up at me with a smile. "Should be his choice, after all."

"Totally!" Pinkie Pie said, jumping up from under the deck chair. I sighed, long and hard.

"I'm not even going to ask why you were under there," I stated. Pinkie Pie stuck out her tongue. I stood up, as Rainbow Dash looked up at me shamefaced.

"Um, yeah... Sorry about that," she admitted. "I'm a little excited. So!" She beamed, and puffed up. "Who would you like to take to the Gala? I assure you, if you choose me, I'm happy to make up this embarrassment to you any way you like!"

She battered her eyelashes. Twilight blushed hard. Applejack rolled her eyes.

"Like you'd even know how t' handle 'im, ya derned virgin!" Applejack shot. Dash blushed.

"WHAT?! I'M NOT A VIRGIN!" Dash cried. "Uh, not that I'm a whorse either! I'm just... Ya know... Experienced! Besides, Twilight's a turbo virgin!"

"I AM NOT!" Twilight shouted, blushing brightly. She cleared her throat. "N-Not that I'm... Um... Experienced but uh, I have... Look! Let's make it Shepherd's choice!"

"Totally!" Pinkie Pie cried, bouncing in place eagerly.

"If he wants," Fluttershy added, looking at me shyly.

All pairs of eyes were locked onto me, as Chewie batted a bush's branches around. I sighed, and held up the scroll.

"Well, as it turns out, I don't have any choice at all," I stated. "Princess Celestia wants me to be her escort for the Grand Galloping Gala for security purposes."

Dead silence ensued. Then:

"WHAT?!"

Rarity's cry was of joy though, in contrast to the rest of the mares' cry of dismay.

I'm glad someone was having a good time...

Author's Note

Yes, here it is, the Grand Galloping Gala Arc. Will Shepherd survive? We'll find out!

Small Return 2

Twilight trotted in with Granny Smith and Applejack. Applejack at least had the decency to not laugh out loud at me... For five seconds.

"Hahahaha! Well lookit you! This what your foals look like, huh?" Applejack giggled. "Why, you're cute enough to be called a Shepherd's Sweetie Pie!"

"Leave the jokes to Pinkie Pie. Please," I begged, as Applejack continued to giggle.

Granny Smith slowly trotted up, and leaned in wayyy too close to peer right into my eyes. I cringed back a bit. I mean, I like her plenty, but her closing in like this made me feel like I was gonna get gobbled up by a large snapping turtle. Especially with how small I was.

She chuckled in her creaky way.

"Landsakes! Ya got into ma Youth Juice, eh?" Granny Smith observed.

"Youth Juice?!" Twilight asked, excited. "You mean you unlocked the secret of immortality?!"

"Nuttin' that impressive, Twilight," Granny said, shaking her head, "don't last very long, and relies mostly on Earth Pony magic."

"Eh? Earth Pony Magic?" Twilight asked, blinking. Granny pulled back, and concentrated.

"Gimme a sec..."

My jaw dropped as Granny... Stretched. Her skin became firm and supple, her muscles filled out, and she stood a lot more firmly on her hooves as she transformed into a mare no older than Applejack. Twilight, Fluttershy and Spike weren't much better as they stared in amazement. Granny grinned.

"Ah can still do it! But once you hit two hundreds years, it gets harder to maintain! Gotta pull a lot of magic out of the Earth to maintain it!" She spoke in a sweet country alto. She gave me a wink. "The Youth Juice helps maintain it for a bit longer... When ah go to Las Pegasus to have some fun, find a young stallion to-"

"GRANNY! PLEASE!" Applejack cried, her mirth replaced with horror. Granny reverted back to her normal, aged form, and huffed.

"T'ain't that bad to listen to. Maybe if you did, you could get some stallion, alien or otherwise, to loosen ya up-"

"GRANNNYYYY!" Applejack groaned.

"This is tremendously fascinating," Twilight said, quickly interjecting, "and I'd love to hear more, but do you know how long it will last with Shepherd?"

"Yeah, I'd like to know if I'll have to grow up the old fashioned way," I deadpanned.

Granny hummed, thought about it for a while... Then shrugged.

"No clue."

"No clue?" Applejack, Twilight, myself, Spike and Fluttershy chorused.

"Well! Ain't like he's a pony!" Granny sniffed. "Don't know when it'll wear off! But, probably will. Jest chemistry, right? Nothin' can last forever."

"Oh good, that's reassuring," I muttered.

"Don't worry Shepherd," Twilight said, "I'll work with Granny and anypony else I can to solve this! You can stay with me until we figure it out!"

"Oh, um, wouldn't it, uh, make more sense to stay with me?" Fluttershy asked softly. "I-I mean, my house is closer, and he did it before... And he's sooo cute...!"

"I-" I tried, but Applejack interjected.

"Fluttershy, what if yer bear tries to eat him?"

"Oh, Harry would never eat him!" Fluttershy said insistently.

"I'm going to need him to stay here anyway, to do experiments-" Twilight tried, but Fluttershy gasped.

"You-You can't treat him like some kind of-of lab rat! That's horrible!"

"Would you-" I tried, but again Twilight interrupted.

"I have to do tests to figure out how to fix this! It's to help him! I'm not going to abuse him or anything-!"

"Your eyes literally lit up when you heard about 'new magic' and experiments," Fluttershy shot back, "I-I mean, I know you mean well and I don't want to sound accusatory, but he's a child now and he needs help-"

"THAT'S IT!" I shouted. All eyes were on me as I pulled off the various doodads Twilight had stuck to me.

"Look! I may LOOK like a child, but I'm still ME! And I don't appreciate you all making decisions for me like I'm not even here, or can't make them for myself!" I growled.

Twilight and Fluttershy looked down guiltily. Granny chuckled.

"They're jest concerned is all, Shepherd! Don't take no offense," she said, "ah mean, you ain't exactly yerself right now."

"I am just fine!" I grumbled, getting up onto my feet and stomping back up the stairs. I pulled open the door, and stomped out into the library-quite maturely, I thought.

The ponies and Spike followed. Twilight smiled gently.

"I'm really sorry, Shepherd. I just want to help you."

"I know, but stop treating me like I'm a kid!" I grumbled. "I am not..."

I watched a falcon dive on a bird and catch it in mid air out the window.

"Woah... That was so cool," I muttered.

"Oh yes, wasn't it?" Fluttershy asked. I shook my head quickly.

"That doesn't mean I'm a child though!" I insisted. "But uh... I don't mind staying here. The fewer ponies who know about this, the better."

The door to the library burst open, and three little fillies charged in.

"SHEPHERD!"

"GAHH!"

I was slammed into the floor by all three Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"We're sorry! We didn't know it would do that!" Scootaloo insisted.

"Though you are really cute now!" Sweetie Belle added.

"Ooh! Will he go to school with us now?" Applebloom asked eagerly.

"HELP!" I shouted.

Applejack didn't even bother to hide her grin as she shooed the fillies off of me.

Fluttershy was squeeing while Twilight and Spike both giggled.

I sighed.

This might be more complicated than I thought...

Author's Note

Short, but hopefully fun.