Certifiably Insane- Non-canon/Failed Arcs

by Tjtbomb

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Comedy, Gilda, Profanity, Random, Adventure, Discord, Violence, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 6361

Discarded Chapters from Certifiably Insane.

These arcs and chapters didn't fit what I was going for, and my readers didn't enjoy them as much as my usual content.

I'll leave them here for now if you want to go back and read them. I may actually finish off the arcs in my own time, and/or edit them enough to be more lighthearted and flow better with the rest of my story.

Published 2020-07-02 04:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-02 04:40:00 UTC

Five (Part 1)

Morning After Discord's Defeat Celebration...

Gilda grumbled and rose from the dead as the sun peeked in. She shoved off the covers and stumbled over to the bathroom to pack her meager belongings. As a Griffin who hardly wore clothes, she hardly had anything to pack.

She and Jack, as well as the Element Bearers, had been given guest bedrooms at the Palace to sleep off their party-fatigue. Gilda could hardly see straight without coffee, but still managed to pause in confusion as she entered the bathroom.

All of her toiletries and the like had been sorted back into her tiny bag with ludicrous efficiency. Gilda could have sworn she could barely fit anything in the bag before, but now she somehow had extra space to steal some expensive shampoo while she was here.

It was definitely Jack who had done it too, because he left a note to meet him at breakfast at exactly 8:35. Gilda glanced up at a convenient clock, and took note that she had woken up at exactly 8:20, and she now had just enough time to get to the breakfast hall.

Jack wasn't really one for clever planning or timing things, so how the hell did he time out her waking up so well?

Carrying her bag with her down to the breakfast hall, she passed a few guards who saluted her as she went by, making her proudly puff out her chest a bit. Attacking an actual God without hesitation wasn't a small feat, after all. Gilda couldn't resist being a little proud of herself.

Finally Gilda made it to the huge breakfast hall, and she strode in like she owned the place. She found a place already set for her, and a steaming coffee waiting. Jack was barely awake across from her, with a mug of black coffee in one hoof, and a flask in the other. The element bearers had gathered at the opposite end of the long table, and were happily chatting with the princesses.

Kiss-asses.

Gilda smirked and grabbed the steaming cup of coffee left out for her. She was halfway through a sip before noticing somepony had left one of those sappy coffee creamer hearts in her drink. She gulped, squinted suspiciously at the half-dead stallion across from her, unsure if it was even him who had done it, and swished the mug around until the heart was completely erased.

With perfect timing, the kitchen staff brought out the best breakfast Gilda could have hoped for. Tons of eggs, bacon, sausage, and waffles liberally doused in syrup. Like a switch, Jack suddenly popped up, his eyes locked on the delicious food approaching and sniffed the air eagerly.

The staff initially started to bring out a vegetarian option for Jack, but after he punted the hay-pancake dish straight back into the kitchen, they wisely stayed away and watched in amazement and nausea as he devoured easily twice his body weight in meat.

The clatter of his feasting drew the attention of the other party at the table, and most of them quickly shoved away their plates, their appetite violently banished. Twilight scribbled something down before she got too green in the face, while the Princesses stared with a strange interest, but no great deal of surprise.

Gilda watched with an odd sense of apprehension as Jack consumed more meat than she ever had ever seen anything eat before, not willing to slow down until a great deal of the buffet of food had been consumed. As soon as she set down her fork after eating her fill, whatever was left on Gilda's plate existed for a whole millisecond before vanishing into Jack's stomach.

"Hungry, are we?"

Jack paused and glanced at her for a moment to give an odd smile.

"Starving."

==========================================================================================

Later that day...

General Lee pulled a sharp drift, jumped a ditch, and carefully edged down a steep hill before pulling in smoothly to a shady spot under a large tree.

Gilda hopped out of the driver's seat and let Jack set the machine in park as she stretched out her wings from the long drive.

"See? Yer a natural! You won't even need my sexy hide riding with you soon!"

"HAH! I'm the sexy hide here!"

Jack rolled his eyes but begrudgingly nodded in agreement as Gilda groaned into her stretch and looked about the area. Jack had directed her to a swamp not too far from his own house to meet his grandmother, who Gilda had been itching to meet since she saved Jack's life three days ago.

Gilda scanned the entire swamp, but didn't see a trace of a house anywhere around the muddy water or floating upon it. She frowned and called over to Jack, who was standing hoof deep at the water's edge, faced away from her.

"Hey Jack! Where does your Grandma live? Does she have a house, or...?"

Gilda glanced over at the stock-still stallion, and felt her neck-feathers rise as a chill ran down her back. It reminded her all to well of when Jack had collapsed on her only three days ago.

"H-hey! Jack! You alright?"

Gilda shivered as he continued to stand still, like he was made of stone.

"Jack?"

She hesitated only a moment longer before rushing over and laying a claw on his shoulder. She froze as she made contact, her head suddenly going fuzzy.

A roaring, rumbling, sensation crept up her arm, and Gilda recognized the vibrations as Jack's natural heartbeat magnified several times over, and somehow invading her own arm. Amidst this thundering, to add even more confusion, was a strange intrusion into her head. Combined with the vibrations, it sounded like someone was angrily humming a fast-paced, cheery tune while drumming violently on her skull.

After a moment of bewilderment, Gilda jerked her grip back, and all at once the mental crescendo halted.

*SNAP! *C-click*

Gilda blinked her eyes to try and clear her head, glancing over at Jack in the process. After a moment, he stumbled as well, his trance apparently over... but wait, was... was Gilda just imagining things or... she only saw it for a second...

Was his head actually turned that far?

Gilda rubbed her eyes and looked up at Jack again, and he seemed normal enough, his neck was definitely not broken and twisted at an impossible position, nor was he smiling impossibly wide. He was absolutely fine and now looking at her with a bemused expression.

"You alright, Gilda?"

"You... weren't responding."

Jack screwed up his face in thought, but soon shook his head.

"Weird, must've been lost in thought or something."

Gilda debated not telling him about his strange behavior, but caved and told him anyway just to be safe. After listening to her explanation, nodding every now and then, Jack glanced down at his torso and patted himself down, lingering where his rumbling heart sat in his chest. He lit up a few glyphs underneath his fur, and shrugged after a moment of self-examination.

"Probably a weird aftershock of getting nuked by harmony and chaos on the same day."

"You've been acting weird all day, though."

Jack laughed and strode into the swamp, unconcerned.

"Weird is subjective."

He took a half-dozen more steps into the water, before nodding approvingly, his spot chosen. He plunged his front hooves under the surface and chanted some dead language for a good ten seconds before scampering back to shore like a giddy school-foal.

Gilda raised an eyebrow at the giggling stallion, but was drawn back to the water as a purple glow lit up under the water. Murky, distorted runes floated just underneath the surface, and a dense cloud moved over the sun, pulling everything into dark grays and darker blacks. With unnatural swiftness, a dense fog began to rise from the water, and whispers echoed out of the murky waters.

Distant at first, the sounds of distant nighttime animals cropped up, the strums of a slow banjo played gently, and Gilda got the sudden feeling she was nowhere near home. All flying creatures on Equss have a natural internal compass, and Gilda was nearly ill as hers suddenly flopped back and forth like a fish.

Jack supported her as she wavered around, and soon the quiet music got louder, as if it was drifting along on the water towards them. A minute later, the music paused for but a moment before a single plucked string rang out its short note much louder than the others. As Gilda watched, a large ripple on the water swept out from the fog and slightly raised the shoreline just for a moment before bouncing back toward the middle of the swamp.

A flash of purple silhouetted a large object, and the banjo continued to play. Gilda's sense of up and down finally righted itself, and the nighttime animal calls vanished as the feeling of being somewhere else dispersed.

A minute later, a large form breached the fog wall, and Gilda realized that it was a large houseboat drifting towards them. Once it got to a certain point, the water began to bubble, and an ancient, waterlogged dock breached the water, connecting the house with the shore.

The fog began to clear, and as sunlight creeped back in, Gilda could make out a shadowy figure sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, still strumming away. Jack led Gilda across the dock as the song concluded, and the figure set the banjo aside and stood up.

Gilda approached tentatively until Jack paused and nudged her back a step. The cloud finally moved on, revealing the sun once more, and banishing the shadows. Gilda felt her jaw drop as a grey earth pony with a black mane trotted towards them with a warm smile on her face.

The mare looked all the world like Jack's twin, red eyes and all, except obviously an older, yet still beautiful mare with a few gray hairs in a long braided mane draped over her shoulder. She wore a dark blue cloak with a lot of pockets, a dozen bone necklaces and bracelets, had trailing tattoos all up her legs, had several large gold earrings in her left ear and a notch cut out of her right, and two or three tiny carved totems woven into her tail. Last but not least, black eye shadow, to complete the bayou witch doctor look.

Her face went neutral as she got closer, revealing no emotion other than general apathy. Jack was the first to say anything.

"'Ey, Gran. You're lookin' older."

"Jackie? You look like shit."

They glared at each other for a moment as she steadily approached until she was in Jack's face. They continued to glare for another ten seconds until they both split wide smiles again.

"Missed you, Granny Lypso."

"Shut up and hug me ya' little bastard."

They embraced each other with a tight hug, until Lypso caught sight of the awkwardly shuffling Gilda again and grinned.

"Oh?"

Granny Lypso ducked out of the hug and quickly skirted around Gilda, winking slyly as she did, before tossing a hoof around her shoulders and turning back to her grandson.

"Have you finally found a special somepony? Introduce me, will you?"

To Gilda's shock, Jack shifted his eyes and blushed lightly as Lypso chortled, jingling her earrings about. She looked into Gilda's eyes for a moment and nodded, releasing her grip and trotting back to the houseboat. Jack called out after her.

"Did you want to be introduced or..?"

"Forget it Jackie, I've learned enough to trust 'er. You can tell 'er about me, though."

Gilda looked over to Jack, who scratched his head for a moment and shrugged as he turned back to her.

"Well, that was my Grandmother, Calypso Briar Aura-"

"Just call me Ms. Lypso, honey!"

Jack paused to glare after her before following, leading Gilda on as he talked.

"She practices a ton of different magics, half of 'em illegal, just to know in case of emergency. She's also a seer and a Witch Doctor, so she knows more about you than you do yourrself," Jack held open the door, ushering Gilda into the darkened interior. "She also tends to... do that."

Gilda caught sight of the Witch Doctor mare fitting a wide-brimmed witch's hat over her head, without using her hooves. A blue candle flame lit up her shadow on the wall, and Gilda watched in interest as Lypso's shadow warped into it's own being and placed the hat on her head. Lypso smiled happily as Gilda clapped a few times in appreciation.

"I am not a Witch Doctor, dear. I prefer Practicing Shadowpony."

Gilda took in the multi-colored candles, skulls of all different species, potions, totems, charms, even a cauldron tucked away in an alcove, pausing for a moment of confusion as Jack began sorting the potions by color, and returning to Lypso's grinning face and her creepily stretched shadow, before shaking her head and giving a tired smile.

"Yep. More crazy magic. This really shouldn't surprise me anymore, considering Jack's bullshite."

Lypso burst into a mad fit of chuckles while Jack instantly turned on a dime and stared into Gilda's very soul with an unreadable expression. A moment later, he closed the space between them and grabbed her by the shoulders as he leaned in close.

"Did you just swear like a proper Irishman?"

Gilda recovered from her surprise and smirked proudly.

"Twat."

For once, Jack turned a nice, bright red.

"I am both a proud father and turned on at the same time."

Wait, what?

"Wait, what?"

Jack replied in the form of inching his hooves downwards.

"I saw that comin' from a mile away, dear!"

Jack leaped away from Gilda at the sound of Lypso's voice, halting his lust before it could progress in front of his Grandmother. He coughed violently, choosing death by lung damage rather than dishonor, as Gilda just froze in embarrassment as Lypso burst out laughing again. Desperate to jump to another topic, Gilda latched onto Lypso's words, throwing her arms around and looking anywhere but at somepony's face.

"Y-you "s-saw" that coming?! Oh! Right! Seer, duh. Or are you just really good at guessing and being vague enough to pull it off? Hahaha...ha?"

Gilda was rambling, but had just enough awareness to realize that Lypso's laughter had cut short. She swallowed hard and brought her eyes back to Lypso. She flinched as she met a steely glare that nearly transfixed her. Jack caught her eye and rapidly motioned at her to shut up. Gilda's head snapped back as Lypso suddenly advanced toward her.

"AH! Miss Lypso, that was just a small joke! I meant no-"

Gilda shut up as her hoof pressed into her beak. Lypso leaned in close and closed her eyes, whispering loudly.

"I see a demonstration-" She snapped open her eyes to reveal an eerie purple glow, and smiled wickedly. "Is in Order!"

She stepped back and lit more candles with a wave of her hoof, lighting the cabin in eerie technicolor. She took a deep breath, and began to sing.

Don't you disrespect me little chick!
Don't you derogate or deride!
You're in my world now-
Not your world-
And I got friends on the other side!

She's got friends on the other side!

"That's not an echo, dears.
Just a little something we have out in
the Bayou, some black magic. Don't worry~"

Lypso swooped around behind Gilda, and shoved her gently but purposefully towards an ornate round table with three chairs. She stumbled forward, and then found herself pushed into one of the chairs alongside Jack.

Sit down at my table.
Put your minds at ease.
If you relax it will enable me to do anything I please!
I can read your future-
I can change it 'round some, too.
I'll look deep into your heart and soul-

Lypso paused to lean into Jack and prod his side.

(You do have a soul, don't you, Jackie?)

Jack chuckled darkly and split an evil grin.

"One can only hope..."

Make your wildest dreams come true!

I got voodoo,
I got hoodoo,
I got things I ain't even tried!
And I got friends on the other side.

The musical number came to a slow crawl, and the purple aura in Lypso's eyes dimmed a bit. She withdrew a deck of ornate cards from her cloak and spread them like a fan.

"Let's see what a bit of your future holds, dears. Just take three."

With a silent nod from Jack, Gilda reached forward and plucked three separate cards from the deck. She glanced at the back and raised an eyebrow at the blank underside. Lypso chuckled at her confusion as the deck vanished back into the cloak.

"Of course, the cards are different for whoever picks them. Otherwise, that could be some very... limited prophecy. Give them here."

Gilda handed over the cards, and Lypso spun them around gracefully and laid them facedown on the table.

The cards, the cards, the cards will tell-
The past, the present, and the future as well!
The cards, the cards, just these three-
Take a little trip into your future with me!

She flipped the first card, revealing Griffinstone across it, with a pile of rusty crowns piled and discarded below.

Now you, young Griffin, are from across the sea,
You come from the city of bastard royalty~
I'm an ex-royal myself- married in, you see.

She flipped the next card, revealing Gilda and Jack in full swing, talon in hoof, and bottles raised in the air.

Your lifestyle's high,
and your morals are low.
And with little Jack,
Fear's nothing you know.

"Took down the God of Chaos? Impressive."

She flipped the final card and held it from her sight for a moment.

And now the future I see~
I believe... what can it... be?

Gilda leaned forward as the music sputtered and died, leaving Lypso with a puzzled expression. She set the card down and produced a small book from her cloak, flipping through it frantically. Gilda picked up the card and stared at it in confusion.

Half of the card was the symbol for harmony, while the other was obviously chaos, given it was just a mess of colors. In the center however, was Jack's silhouette shattered into five pieces.

Gilda glanced up as Lypso searched through her small book mumbling "shattered" under her breath every now and then. After another moment, Lypso finally found what she was looking for.

"Aha! A shattered image of a being without any markers of death or injury is reminiscent of psychotic... break."

Lypso slowly put down the book and pressed her hooves together in resignation.

"I thought Jack was being too quiet."

*SNAP!* *K-K-Krack!*

Gilda flinched at the sudden sound, and whirled about to see a nightmarish sight.

Jack's neck was contorted painfully and obviously broken with his head nearly entirely upside down, a wide, disturbing smile, and a black void in each eye socket dripping a black inky substance.

As Gilda shrieked and scrambled away, Jack's head started jerking back to its normal position, going the wrong way. Despite her panic and horror, Gilda noticed a distinct ticking sound, like a clock, with each little jerk. About ten clicks later, his head finally snapped back into place, and two tiny red dots ignited as pupils.

Then he spoke. He was not Jack.

"Weeeelllll.... wellwellwellwellwellwellwellweeeelllll! ...That's unfortunate. I had hoped to get a little farther in controlling this fleshbag!" He paused and cranked an eyebrow down in a fake display of confusion. "Oh well, not like you can stop me from RIPPING YOUR TA-AAASTY HEADS OFF."

Gilda backpedaled until she hit the wall as Fake Jack unhinged his jaw into a grotesque smile and jerkily began moving forward. True to his word, he didn't have full control, and each movement seemed to be a struggle, but each one was steadily getting faster. Lypso dove off to the side as he scrambled slowly over the table like a demented ragdoll spider, eyes locked on Gilda.

He began singing a twisted tune as his movements smoothed out, but the spidery gait continued.

YEEESSS...
Are you ready?

Are you ready?
Transformation central!
(Transformation central!)
Reformation central!
(Reformation central!)
Transmogrification central!
Can you feel it?
I'm changin', I'm changin', I'm changin', all right!
I hope you're terrified~
But if you ain't-
Don't blame me!!
You can blame your friends who just won't die!
(You lost who you wanted!
And you lose what you have!)

"Your Life!"

He leaped forward with murder in mind, and Gilda screamed and guarded herself with her wings. A loud slap rang out, and a moment later, Gilda was still alive, to her honest surprise. She peaked through her feathers, and found the creature frozen in place, a square of ornate fabric stuck to its forehead. Lypso stood nearby, out of breath but with a small smirk on her face.

They had barely exchanged a nod before the creature shuddered, and they both scrambled away as it haltingly fought against the power of the charm.

"W-ha-t i-s th-i-s? Yo-u thi-nk you c-an s-top m-e? A m-ere se-a-ling ch-arm canno-t hold m-e!"

Gilda got as far away as she could from the murderous being inside of Jack, as he lifted himself to two legs and reached for them both. Halfway across the floor, he faltered, and one of his outstretched hooves fell limp at his side, he paused and glared down at the offending limb as he began to lean forward.

"I stand corrected... Eh? Oh shi-"

He was cut off as he face planted into the floor with a crunch and stopped moving.

After another minute of expecting the creature to rise from the dead again, Lypso approached and prodded at the still form. She jumped back as the head dragged itself up enough to glare at her with murderous rage. Despite the murderous glare, he began laughing joyfully.

"Come on~ I'm not dead yet! HAHAHAHA! FINISH IT! Come on! KILL Jack Marley! ...AWWW! You're no fun! HEHAAAHAHAHEHEHEHAHAAA! ... Five hours-no six- no FIVE- yes, even better than the first- mmm- A wager! A GAME- Yes! Stop me in five hours, and I'll join the others again! WILLINGLY. Of course, you need to convince them to play nice too~! ... Fail? Hehehe- FAIL?! FailFailFailFailFail! DON'T fail... TOODLES!"

The black liquid suddenly poured from Jack's eyes until a wide pool had formed, and Jack's eyes had cleared, leaving behind only grey, lifeless irises.

Gilda looked over at Lypso, not sure what to do. Lypso stared only a moment more at her comatose grandson before meeting Gilda's frightened eyes with a stern, focused air.

"Do you love him?"

Gilda hesitated only a moment, but nodded confidently.

"Thank your maker that this happened where I am able to help, then."

Lypso turned away and began hurriedly gathering potions and charms. After a moment she was back beside Jack and rolling him over. Gilda moved to help and was stopped by a paintbrush entering her field of vision. She held still as it scrawled a symbol on her forehead and then was discarded into the nearest corner. Lypso had set up a circle of purple-burning candles connected with a ring of white powder, and was using a different paintbrush to paint a complex rune on Jack's chest.

"How can I help?"

"You need to die."

"...Okay."

Lypso paused, but smirked and kept painting.

"He's got good taste... There," Lypso stood up, satisfied with the rune-work. "Lie down, Gilda, you've got to make this quick."

Gilda scrunched her eyebrows together in worry as she lay down inside the circle beside Jack. Lypso was quick to jump on her and started painting again, and Gilda did her best to stay still.

"Just me?"

"I need to stay in the land of the living to keep your body alive, and the only way for a non-dream-walker to enter the mind is via the spirit."

"What do I need to do when I get in there?"

"Jackie's mind has quite literally sheared off into five pieces, if the fortune is to be believed. You must convince them to join back together, and you will likely need to fight that... thing again. Be very careful you do not die- a body without a mind is worthless."

Lypso sat back and set the paint aside as she critically examined the work. She moved her hooves onto Gilda's head and heart, where she had painted the runes.

"My grandson is older beyond his kind's mortal years, and it has taken its toll. Do NOT, under any circumstances, enter the dark places. Darkness and shadow in the mind are the stuff of pure madness, and now likely worse than ever."

Lypso's eyes flared until they were blotted out with only purple aura.

"Good luck... and Gilda?"

"Yeah?"

"Please. Bring back my grandson."

Lypso began bouncing her hooves on Gilda's heart and head and inhaled sharply.

"Mortis."

Five (Part 2)

*Sniff. SNIFF. Sniff-sniff.*

Gilda's eyes shot open. Directly above her was a swirled a massive maelstrom tinged with dark shades of red, green, and blue. The middle of the maelstrom caught her awestruck gaze, a shattered, floating tangle of steam trains, haphazard strings of multicolored light, massive chunks of stone vaguely outlining a spherical shell, and a luminous ball of deep red magic hidden in its center, pulsing like a heart. The massive slow-spinning structure entranced her eyes even as her other senses steadily trickled in.

She lay on what felt like flat, rough stone, and a howling wind was passing mercifully high above her. What breeze reached her carried the scent of sulfur and blood, and her tongue tasted of nothing, the memory of her last meal erased form her mouth, like a blank slate.

*Sniff.*

Gilda scrambled to her paws at the unfamiliar noise, and took in her bizarre and nightmarish surroundings as she scanned for danger.

A vast landscape stretched around her in all directions, with bizarre and ominous worlds whichever way she looked.

A bloody field scattered with broken and rusting weapons, and a burned and half-collapsed castle looming over it.

A vast labyrinth of bookshelves that was seemed to shift and change before her very eyes.

A massive hole in the ground, but even from where she stood, over a mile away, Gilda could see the glittering of gold and jewels around its edge.

A... giant statue of Gilda. Huh.

And finally, a sprawling city of steel and glass, but muted and grey. Unnaturally devoid of life and covered with a thick fog.

Each of the five sections were divided by cracks wide enough to easily consume a pony filled with pure darkness- or madness, as Gilda now knew- and a mile or two past where each section ended, there was only a horizon of black. The circular landscape was lit by the maelstrom and the broken structure above her like a surrogate sun.

Gilda felt like she was forgetting something important, but couldn't quite put her talon on it.

A pebble clattered behind her.

"Oh yeah..."

In her awestruck observations, the mysterious sniffing sound had completely slipped her mind. With her every muscle tensed and ready to retaliate, Gilda whirled about with a snarl and bared her talons before freezing in shock.

"Jack!?"

Jack jumped back a bit in surprise before he too gasped loudly and a smile jumped to his face.

"IT'S YOU!"

Gilda nearly embraced him, but stopped herself before she could make a move in his direction.

Something was off.

Gilda took a few steps back instinctively.

"Uh, is that really you, Jack? I mean- it's cool if you're not... you?"

Gilda silenced her babbling as she looked him over, and he looked just as he should have... Maybe a bit short? Still, she felt an uneasy feeling creep through her wings, like when the murderous creature from before had spoken. What had set her off? Her eyes traveled back to his eager, smiling face.

...Maybe it was the neon pink eyes.

"HECK no, Honey-buns! The Jack-a-babe-sexy-guy is rattling around up in our heads somewhere, but the Five of us don't wanna let him out! ANYWAY! ForgetJackdon'tyouknow I reallyreallreallyreallyreallyreallreallyreallyreallyreallreallyreallyreallyreallreallyreallyreallyreallreallyreallyreallyreallreallyreallyreallyreallreallyreallyreallyreallreallyreallyreallyreallreallyreallyreallyreallreallyreallyLOVEYOU!?!? Why would you want any-BUCKING-body else??? I'll love you foreverandeverandeverandeverandever! NOTHING could keep me from loving every inch of you."

Gilda shrunk back uncomfortably as he bounced closer with a growing blush and visibly drooled.

Oh buck, he's a creepy Pinkie Pie.

"U-Uh, w-who are you, then? I can hardly love somebody without a name."

He froze in place, utter surprise on his face. After a moment, he sat down and propped up his chin with one hoof while the other twirled an invisible mustache.

"Ya know... I don't know! Um... Oooooo! I KNOW! I KNOW! WE CAN ASK ARCHITECT! He knows EV-ER-Y-THING!"

"Everything?" Gilda's eyes lit up. "Would he know how to piece Jack- MY Jack- back together?"

He scowled with a childish, but somehow ominous expression and rolled to his feet. His voice cracked and shook like he was about to cry, but he only seemed to radiate anger.

"Do you... want to get rid of me? And destroy my love for you? Do you not like this Jack? This Jack who loves you more than the others ever could?"

Gilda broke into a cold sweat and backed away, rapidly explaining herself as he stared intensely.

“Wait! I didn’t mean to- AH!” Gilda snapped her talons and pointed fingerguns at him. “If you’re all back together, I can love you even more. Because! Uh- There would be more of you to... love?”

The ominous aura dispelled faster than a bipolar mood swing, -which it probably was, to be honest- as he rocked back, a hoof on his chin in deep thought, and began pacing in a tight circle.

“Your logic is illogical, yet sound. And you dooo seem to enjoy the parts of us that don’t love you, per say...”

He suddenly rounded on Gilda with an accusing hoof.

“What do I have to gain? I’m not cheap-“

“One Kiss.”

”Done! Wait-SHIT! I'M SO CHEEEAAAP!”

==========================================================================================

Once he stopped wailing about his weak will, the doppelganger Jack led Gilda towards the labyrinth of bookshelves, occasionally creeping close to nuzzle her affectionately like a puppy.

A lovesick, murderously possessive puppy. Hyperactive, bouncy, and cheerful one moment, and quite ready to kill just to gain my attention the next.

Gilda's spirits sank as she approached the maze, dreading the precious time they would lose to navigate it, until her companion zoomed ahead suddenly and began maniacally ringing a bell next to the entrance. As she caught up to him, he spun around with a big grin and dancing eyebrows, to say nothing of his spasming legs. It took Gilda a moment to realize what he wanted.

"Good job?"

His eyes quite literally turned into giant hearts as he let out a loud "SQUEEEEEEE" and bounced about like a rubber ball.

"*Sigh* He won't stop for quite a while now. It's best to ignore him until he becomes coherent again."

Gilda flinched, but found herself overwhelmingly calmed by the even tones of the new voice. She turned to see another spitting image of Jack, but much... fancier.

His eyes were the brightest part of him, a piercing, luminescent blue that spoke of wisdom and utter serenity peeking out from behind his half-rim spectacles. The usual ruffled mane was replaced by a short professional ponytail and a nondescript navy blue officer's hat. He also wore a matching military jacket that fit his stiff biped military stance perfectly.

Upon catching her eye, Architect snapped a salute and rattled off his speech like a machine.

"Architect. Embodiment of the Analytical, Logical, and Calculating portions of The Greater Consciousness, and Overseer of the Memory Vault. Rank: Second among the Mind. At your service, Madam Gilda."

Somewhat swept up in his professional energy, Gilda instinctively saluted back to him, feeling an urge to be as professional and concise as possible.

"I am at yours, noble Architect. I need the real Jack back together, ASAP."

Architect gave a stern nod.

"Understood, I shall rally the troops. LOVE! Front and Center!"

In a heartbeat, Love, as was his name, instantly appeared next to Gilda, rapidly saluting over and over. Architect merely nodded once more and turned his back. The moment his piercing eyes left her, the militaristic hold of professionalism vanished like smoke.

"Follow in haste, Gentleman and Madam, our time is short. I have prepared a briefing room."

Architect rushed off at a quick pace, leaving Gilda and Love to scramble after him before they lost sight of him in the maze of shelves. A few minutes later, they came across a cozy little study with two armchairs placed in front of a projector screen.

"Sit. We haven't much time."

Gilda and Love sat down in the plush armchairs as Architect ducked behind the screen, only to walk out the other side a moment later in a white button-up shirt and an electric blue tie.

He's like a college professor.

Cheerful "learning music" (you know the one) cranked up from no discernable music source as a laser pointer appeared in Architect's hoof and pointed to the screen as the first slide flipped.

Everything you need to know to fix Jack Marley
(Shortened Version)

"I will take exactly Five minutes, twenty-three seconds to explain the current crisis and what actions are needed on your part, starting now."

Gilda tentatively raised a talon, but was shot down by an annoyed glare as Architect launched into the presentation.

Your current environment is what is known as "The Human Mind."

The Human Mind (Synonyms: The Soul, The Being, Identity, Spirit, etc.) is composed of many components, the most notable being the Conscious Mind, the Subconscious Mind, The Forgotten Space, and the newest, unexpected components, The "Personality-Scapes."

The Conscious Mind is, of course, the waking awareness all beings have of reality and themselves. The Conscious mind is effectively what pilots sapient creatures to function and think by drawing information and commands from the Subconscious. It has manifested in what amounts to the "Sun" overhead. Though as you can likely suspect from a mere glance, it is no longer functioning as it should.

The Subconscious Mind is the entirety of everything not included in the Conscious Mind.

The Forgotten Space is any and all blackened spaces in the mind. Things that are truly forgotten and have left the mind, such as the womb or the first years of your life other than a few vague images, or space that is never filled, such as the dark horizon that frames the whole of the mind. Be warned, if you lose yourself in one of the cracks, your own mind will be lost, and you will not be remembered. Being saturated in it causes delirium and madness, while a minor dose just causes mild confusion.

Finally, the areas most relevant of your quest here: The "Personality-Scapes." To save time, we will simply call them "zones."

Five in total, each zone has been shaped and molded by the fragment of mind that rules over it. Love's is rather straightforward, as is The Greater Consciousness's adoration of Madam Gilda. My own is the Labyrinth of Memories, which stretches so far pieces have been lost to the Forgotten Space. You need not venture to our homes more than you have as we have already agreed to repair Jack Marley's mind, but the remaining three fragments will not submit without you convincing them otherwise.

First, there is Madder, the Fragment containing Jack's rage and hate, so named for his own belief that one can always get madder. He is the malevolent king of corpses, with nothing but an scarred battlefield to rule over. You will likely have to prove yourself in combat to gain his favor.

Second, you must deal with Gold, the fragment of gluttony and greed. He is quite literally "holed up" in his pit of riches and liquor. Be warned, he will eat anything in reach, including you. I am uncertain of how to convince him to join you, but it may be as simple as giving him something valuable.

Finally, Mania. You’ve met. He is the fragment of Jack Marley’s madness and something I can’t identify. His domain, already the largest of us all, took root by sprouting an entire human city. He likely knows every alley, street, and building in his domain, and as he is the creator of the game, you will more than likely simply have to beat him into submission. He is the fragment I know least about, being constantly secluded in his fog and decay.

As he put away the slide show, Gilda frowned at a particular detail that caught her attention.

“Why do I have to do everything? You seem way more suited to this than I am.”

Architect sighed and twisted his hoof, somehow producing a snap. In a flicker of blue light, two silver hatchets appeared in his hooves, which he then handed off to Gilda.

“Unfortunately, if a fragment doesn’t want visitors, any other fragment is stopped by an immovable barrier. You are one of the exceptions. They don’t even know you are here. My weapons are the best I can do for you.”

Gilda brandished the hatchets experimentally, and found them perfectly balanced. She gave a tired smile and glared at her two allies.

“Can I please stop having to save Jack after this?”

Love shrugged, and Architect saluted her.

“We thank you for your assistance, Madam Gilda.”

Five (Unpublished Epilogue)

“Tartarus’ Hook. Drink up Gentlemen.”

“Gladly!”

“Goddamnit.”

“I’ll eat your skull.”

“Not if I skull-fuck him first.”

“Fine. Then I’ll eat it.”

“Tsk. Love, stop drawing Madam Gilda all over the cards. Who gave him a pencil?”

“Awww! ...ok.”

“And the table.”

“... You’re no fun!”

“We’ll be flirting in five minutes.”

“I FORGIVE YOU!”