How Am I Supposed To Rule If You Won't Say Goodbye?

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life
Length: 4597

Twilight's efforts to guide Equestria into a new era of peace and harmony are constantly interrupted by Starlight, who keeps popping up randomly at the most inconvenient moments. It happens a lot, put it that way.

Twilight's efforts to guide Equestria into a new era of peace and harmony are constantly interrupted by Starlight, who keeps popping up randomly at the most inconvenient moments.

It happens a lot, put it that way. Better get used to it.

Published 2020-07-03 13:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-03 13:40:00 UTC

"I've just popped in..."

It was Princess Twilight Sparkle’s first week in charge of ruling the entirety of Equestria after the retirement of the sisters, and against all her most dire predictions, everything had been going well so far.

Almost… too well.

Even in blessed times of peace and tranquility, the always-apprehensive alicorn still expected some big blunder to derail everything and draw attention to her total inexperience, but so far so good.

The dragons hadn’t found her a drag.

The yaks didn’t think she yakked too much.

Even the notoriously difficult griffons hadn’t given her any ~~griff~~ grief.

A lot of this unexpected interspecies harmony was thanks to the help of her former students at the School Of Friendship. Her smart young proteges had proved invaluable in planting seeds of unity in their older kin, and the seniors had commendably responded by lowering so many of the social barriers that’d existed for generations past.

After all, sometime soon the children of today will grow up to be the adults of tomorrow, so their voices deserve to be heard just as much.

Smoulder, Yona, Gallus, every other creature, how I miss you… even in the midst of her numerous duties as sole monarch, Twilight couldn’t help but feel nostalgic for the institute she built from the ground up after the Storm King’s defeat.

Alas, it was nigh-on impossible for one dedicated alicorn to simultaneously run an entire queendom and a specialised place of learning, no matter how efficient a multi-tasker she was (something she took a great deal of pride in).

At least Twilight had left her precious School Of Friendship in good hooves. And with more and more students arriving every day thanks to the new relationships she’d forged across nations, the future looked nothing but bright for the new idyllic world she planned to shape.

Alas, there was one facet of her ‘perfect’ plan the increasingly complacent Twilight had failed to contemplate.

What it was would become clear the very next day.

……………………………………

That day, like all the others of late, began normally enough.

Applejack had stopped by to tell the neophyte ruler she planned to name a new fruit in her honour (although ‘sparkle’ apples looked suspiciously like zap apples, just a little riper) and to exchange the latest local gossip from back home.

Chief adviser Spike had been late to work again due to his ongoing habit of oversleeping until mid-afternoon (Twilight could’ve easily woken him, but he looked so adorable sucking on his claw whilst wrapped up in his blankie).

So now she sat alone in her throne room, awaiting her first audience of the day. Ever since her tenure began, she’d introduced a new policy whereby anycreature in need could drop by for a visit. Time permitting, of course.

It was all part of her noble efforts at reforming the monarchy so they’d be seen to be more accountable to the general public. It added a huge chunk to her workload, but if there was one subject Twilight knew about, it was coping under pressure!

The doors to the chamber opened as the alicorn prepared herself, and imagine her surprise at the identity of the familiar mare at the head of the queue. Her distinctly styled mane was instantly recognisable, and her swirl cutie mark equally stood her out as one of Twilight’s closest friends.

“Starlight!” She wouldn’t usually do this, but Twilight stepped down from her seat to greet the blushing unicorn affectionately. “How are you? How is the school? Applejack was just here about an hour ago… have you heard these rumours of Discord and Fluttershy being an item now, too? I’m so happy for her! …And him too, I suppose.”

“E-Er, yeah. It’s good to see you too, Twilight! Or should I call you by your full title now? ‘Princess Twilight Sparkle’ is sure a mouthful…” Even though she’d known the alicorn for years now, the presence of her bookish friend with a crown on her head still seemed to unsettle Starlight a little.

“What? Oh, you don’t have to worry about anything like that! If you called me ‘Twilight’ in all the time we lived in Ponyville together, I see no reason to change how you address me now. Although, you could have remembered to curtsy…” Twilight pulled away from Starlight to give her a knowing wink.

Unfortunately, as nervous as she already was at being in the presence of her now eminent friend, Starlight hadn’t quite picked up on the joke. “Aargh! I’m so sorry! I knew I should’ve brushed up on my royal protocol before coming here. Please, forgive me! It won’t ever happen again!”

“Relax, Starlight! I was only kidding!” Twilight put a hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder before she started panicking herself into a frenzy. “I can see something is bothering you, and I don’t think it’s just the stress of coming to see me today. Care to share? You never know, I might be able to help.”

“Hey, that’s my line! But I suppose, even former counsellors need good advice sometimes…” Starlight seemed to relax a little in the face of Twilight’s informal demeanour. “Well, here goes. You know you made me the headmare of the School Of Friendship…?”

“Um, yes?”

“You remember I chose Sunburst to be my second-in-command?”

“I actually think ‘vice principal’ is the preferred term, but go on.”

“Well something indescribably awful has happened! Dreadful! How will I ever cope without him?!”

“W-Wait… he’s not been hurt has he?” Twilight immediately sprung to attention. “Or even worse…”

“Huh? No, nothing like that!” Now it was Starlight’s turn to settle the alicorn’s jangled nerves. “He’s just gone on a sorcerer’s seminar for a few days, which he’d booked before I offered him the job… leaving me to hold down the fort all on my own!”

“I see.” Twilight breathed a sigh of relief, before answering her friend in a calmer voice. “Well, if it’s just for a few days, then…”

“Exactly! It only takes a second for something to go wrong, and now I have to live through several million of them, without his valuable assistance!” Starlight finished Twilight’s sentence for her, while holding her hooves up to the heavens hysterically. “What happens if I forget to sharpen the quills?”

“Starlight, that’s not what I was going to…”

“Order fresh stock of paper?”

“Don’t you think you’re being just a bit…”

“Forget anycreature’s name?”

“Oh, come on! Now you’re just being…”

“Lose my lesson plan!”

“Okay, now that one I can kind of relate to.” For her own good, Twilight had temporarily jammed her hoof in the unicorn’s mouth. “But come on Starlight, pull yourself together! I wouldn’t have given you this job if I didn’t think you could handle it, and nearly everything you’ve mentioned there sounds like basic stuff! Why don’t you try and relax a bit, and make yourself a mug of your favourite cocoa…”

“Cocoa? In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been up all night drinking coffee! Can’t you tell?” Starlight slowly backed away from Twilight, her left eye twitching slightly. “I mean, what else could I do? It was impossible to sleep, so I just made myself a cup. Then another. And another. Then… oh, I think I lost count around one am…”

“Erm, Starlight? I think it might be an idea to cut out the caffeine for now. Just a suggestion.” Twilight spoke from personal experience here, though she could honestly say she’d never been this manic during her many late night cramming sessions.

“Can’t! Gotta stay sharp! Gotta stay focused!! Have to make sure everything is perfect!!!” Starlight began murmuring to herself softly in a sing-song fashion, whilst brandishing a rictus grin that reminded Twilight of when Pinkie had her little ‘episode’ years back. In other words, not good news at all.

And seeing as the custodians at court were watching in stunned silence, the queues outside were whispering uncomfortably to each other and even the usually stoic guards looked to be raising an eyebrow or two, the unicorn’s unseemly outburst risked undermining Twilight’s authority publicly.

And at this early stage of her hoped-for long reign, that was the last thing she wanted to happen.

“Sorry Starlight, but I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to leave for now.” Twilight said reluctantly but firmly. “Before heading back to Ponyville, you can have a rest in any one of the rooms. I wish I could help you more, but all I can suggest is you get some sleep, and then hopefully tomorrow everything that’s on your mind will seem as trivial as I know it to be.”

Surprisingly, Starlight left at that moment without any further argument… although her perpetual tics and hushed utterings of ‘it was never this difficult at my old village…’ provided a glimpse into her delicate mental state.

Poor thing… maybe I expected too much from her so quickly. When you’re given that level of responsibility all at once, even small things can mount up and become one almighty cluster of tension. Twilight definitely sympathised with Starlight’s predicament, though not to the extent that she’d let it distract her from important official engagements.

“Anyway… who’s next?”

………………………..

By the time evening rolled in, Twilight had all but forgotten all about the awkward encounter with the unicorn.

For after seeing to the last of her troubled subjects, and slipping into some silken royal robes, it was time for one of the most prestigious commitments on her itinerary: the head of states banquet in Canterlot.

All the top brass were there: Princess Cadence, Queen Novo, Prince Rutherford… Ember and Thorax had even arrived together having an animated conversation, which suggested that the changeling was being taught by the dragoness how to be a ‘stronger’ king.

(Although, who’d actually made the decision to start the educating process was another matter).

Gustave La Grande had proven he was more than just a dab talon with eclairs, having concocted an sublime dandelion soup which left the VIP guests yearning for more (even those more inclined towards carnivorous diets).

Next up, came everycreature’s favourite: dessert. And naturally, there was only one pony qualified to satisfy Twilight and the other’s sugary craving.

And no, it wasn’t Donut Joe.

“Pinkie made you each a special cupcake!” Twilight smiled broadly, whilst hoofing them all out. “Mine has a special candy horn… Ember’s has marzipan wings on it… and, I have it on good authority that Nova’s cake won’t disintegrate underwater! Why she’d go to that much trouble I don’t know, but it’s the thought that counts, r-right?”

“Hey! Why hair in yak’s cake? Is this pony joke that yaks not get?!” Prince Rutherford studied his offering with an unamused expression. For while his kind enjoyed growing and even braiding their long locks, they weren’t so keen on actually eating it.

“W-Well actually, if you look closer, the ‘hair’ is really chocolate sprinkles made to look like your manes.” Keep it together, Twi. Don’t lose your cool. “Look, there’s even a pair of licorice horns too! Eat up every creature!”

“Who’d have known the shy filly I used to foalsit every week would grow up to rule Equestria one day, and turn out to be such a wonderful hostess?” Cadence sang the praises of her sister-in-law shamelessly. “Three cheers for Twilight, everypony! Hip Hip Hooray!”

Everycreature joined in the chant (apart from Ember, who was most put out at being compared to one of those do-gooding ‘ponies’) and Twilight, who’d literally been on the edge of her seat all evening, finally began to lean backwards slightly.

T-They actually think of me as one of their equals. She reasoned with relief, glancing all around with happiness at all the admiring faces. What was I so worried about? The night is passing without a single incident. Now all I have to do is bask in their adulation…

Suddenly, and without any warning whatsoever, a flash of searing light appeared in the centre of the large table. The clapping abruptly stopped as the illustrious company gasped in shock, and the nearby guards prepared themselves for a possible surprise attack…

...Only to discover it was none other than Starlight Glimmer paying them a little visit.

“Twilight! I am so sorry to interrupt your big dinner, but this is an emergency! You have to listen to me, please! Lives could be at stake here!” The agitated unicorn seemed genuinely in distress, and despite their earlier run-in, her alicorn friend immediately rose to her hoofs with concern.

“W-What was that? I don’t believe it!! I thought we vanquished all the bad guys once and for all! Or could it be a deadly disease? Maybe some kind of natural disaster? Speak up, Starlight! If things are as bad as you say, then everycreature here will need to hear about this!”

“Huh? No, it’s nothing like that… although, she is some kind of ‘natural disaster’ when she gets going.” Starlight seemed a little taken aback by Twilight’s assumption. “You see, it all started when she promised me she’d look after Sunburst’s chrysanthemums while he was away…”

“Trixie heard that!” Without invitation, another blast of bright light appeared just adjacent to Starlight, and from it appeared the preening showmare in question. “...and she resents that remark! How was I supposed to tell the difference between flower enhancer and weedkiller?! They look so much alike…”

“Maybe you could’ve tried... I dunno… reading the labels instead of practising your magic act in school?”

“Trixie has a very tough job now, helping the students with their emotional growth and continuing her blossoming career as a famous performer. You can’t expect me to do everything perfectly, which is why sometimes boo-boos happen.”

“Boo boos?! A ‘boo boo’ is when you leave your umbrella on the train, or bump into somepony in the street. What you did to Sunburst’s favourite blooms was nothing short of a catastrophe. And as I’m the one in charge, it’ll be me who gets the blame. How is he ever going to trust me again…”

“E-Er, do we really need to be here for this… domestic?” Thorax enquired, tempted to turn into a tiny mouse so he could hide the giant-sized cringe on his face.

“I’ve been trying to get my dragons to stop fighting on your advice, to follow the example of you namby-pamby ponies.” Ember folded her claws, equally unimpressed. “Are you telling me you were just as bad as us, all this time?”

“Really! This is most unbecoming!” Queen Novo was the most offended of them all, gesturing to one of her servants in response. “Sea Biscuit! We’re leaving! Prepare the underwater carriage, for we return to the ocean immediately!”

No, no! This is all going wrong! How could this enchanted evening have taken such a disastrous turn so quickly? Twilight held her head in her hooves, as the sounds of contentment and cheer swiftly turned to noises of displeasure and exasperation. I must fix it before things get even worse…

Alas, like so often happens in life, whenever you state those immortal words, the following events have a way of surprising you some more.

Case in point: When Trixie stopped quarrelling with her bestie long enough to discover she’d chosen to materialise her right hind leg in a bowl of still-boiling leftover soup…

Well, let’s just say no creature there had ever seen any pony tap-dance quite as vigorously as she did.

Five minutes, some very crushed cupcakes and a virtually deserted room later, Twilight found herself glaring at a visibly sheepish Starlight, all while Trixie lay prostrate on the floor cradling her scalded hoofsie.

“Ouch! What a place to leave hot soup uncovered! Trixie could sue you, but out of the goodness of her heart she won’t. As long as I can take some of this smushed strawberry frosting with me, that is…”

……………………………………

Twilight looked in her bedroom mirror after cleaning up (only Cadence had stayed to help) with her nightcap on and candle in hoof, feeling very sorry for herself. What’d begun as a day full of promise and expectation had been hijacked in the worst possible way by frustration and failure, and she didn’t have to look too far to find the prime suspect.

Starlight Glimmer… she grumbled internally, gnashing her teeth with such veracity it almost caused sparks to fly. I give you full control of my beloved School Of Friendship, and this is the thanks I get? At least she’s caught the midnight train to Ponyville so I can finally relax at last, but I fully intend to have serious words with her in the morning.

Having had quite enough of her depressing thoughts, Twilight wasted no more time in blowing her flame out and climbing into bed. Usually, she’d ‘treat’ herself to a chapter or two of The Complete History Of Equestria (illustrated edition) before nodding off, but she needed no help from that particular five-thousand page opus to fall into the warm clutches of Dreamland right now.

Goodnight Equestria. Let’s hope for better things tomorrow… was the last thought on her mind, before closing her eyes, resting her head on the pillow, pulling her sheet closer to keep warm, snuggling up next to Starlight…

Starlight?!

Immediately Twilight’s eyes flicked open as she lit her horn up in horror. There was no denying it… there was the snoozing form of her former student a few inches away, comfortably in the throes of slumbers with a big smile on her face to boot.

That cheeky little… Twilight was usually the most calm and collected pony you could ever hope to meet, but in her considered opinion, Starlight hadn’t just crossed the line with this latest outrage, she’d pole-vaulted over it…

Smashing the old record in the process.

“Get up, you!” While Twilight didn’t exactly kick her friend out of bed, she did deliver a firm enough nudge to rouse the unicorn efficiently from her deep repose. “You wreck my morning meetings. You ruin my carefully planned dinner. And now… you’re stealing my bed?! What has gotten into you lately, Starlight? I want answers! Right now!!”

“Oh hi, Twilight! After coming all the way to Canterlot twice in one day, I was too exhausted to head back home.” Starlight yawned tiredly, the effects of her earlier coffee boost clearly long since worn off. “Then, I remembered what you said about ‘having any room in the castle’ to rest in, so I found this nice-looking one to hunker down in…”

“It’s a ‘nice-looking’ one, because it’s my room!” Twilight exclaimed, beginning to get hot under the collar. If she was wearing one, that is. “And you haven’t answered any of my questions. What is the matter with you?”

“Can’t this wait ‘til tomorrow?”

“No, we need to have a discussion about this immediately.”

“At least let me get something to drink first.”

“Okay. But it’s a herbal tea, plain water, or nothing.

“Darn it.”

………………………….

“So you’re telling me…” Twilight scratched her head, trying to wrap her brain around what she was hearing. “The reason why you’re so out-of-control right now is…”

“Yes. I admit it. I-I like Sunburst. In that way.” Starlight bowed her head as if it was something to be ashamed of. “I was gonna tell him, just before he left. When I missed my chance, even the most minor things around the school began irritating me. I started drinking to hide the emotional turmoil I was going through and, well… you saw for yourself the effect it had.”

“Yes, it was very difficult not to…” Twilight put a comforting hoof around the neck of her friend. “We’ll get you whatever help you need. But wasn’t there anypony else you could confide in, besides me? Trixie for example.”

“Oh, I told her about my crush ages ago.” Starlight blurted out without hesitation, which in all honesty made the alicorn feel a bit put out. “Big mistake. Her only advice was ‘Go for it! Tell him! Or I’ll do it myself!’ She’s nearly let the secret slip out a dozen times already. I’ve managed to seal up her mouth with magic before she blabs so far, but one day I might be a fraction too late, a-and t-then…”

“That’s why you need to get on top of this, before the situation escalates even further!” Twilight loved making plans of action, and this seemed like the ideal time for one. “I’m not saying you have to confess straight away, but sometime in the near future maybe you can drop a subtle hint. Maybe ask him ‘how do you feel about me?’, and work from there.”

“Pffff! Easy for you to say! I bet you’ve never had to stand up and deliver a speech like that to somepony whose opinion matters to you more than life itself! When rejection could send you tumbling down a void of depression, from which they’d be no escape…”

“Sounds like you’re describing my fourth grade book report to Princess Celestia, actually. Although, maybe I wouldn’t be quite that dramatic.”

“Pardon me? Are my feelings that trivial to you?”

“No, honestly. I really did care that much… look, let’s stick to the topic at hoof, shall we? Is this why you didn’t go back to Ponyville tonight? You were too upset to make the journey?”

“That, and just being around Sunburst’s quarters right now makes me want to start spewing tears.” Starlight admitted, with a shake of her head. “That's why I asked Trixie to go in there and water his flowers. He wanted me to do it, but one step inside his room would reduce me to mush, I just know it. Of course, now that they’re all dead, it’s even more unlikely that telling him how I feel would have a positive outcome.”

“Oh dear. This really is quite the pickle. School restarts in a couple of days too, and I can’t see the situation being resolved before then.” Twilight got off her bed to trot around and ponder aloud. “Maybe you can try hypnotising yourself… no, after last time when you tried it on the girls that probably isn’t a good idea. Take some time off? Maybe, but I’m not sure if ‘has crush on co-worker’ is a reasonable excuse to neglect your duties. ...Wait, I think I’ve got it!”

“Y-You do? Well, let’s hear it then!” Starlight waited with anticipation for her mentor to deliver the miracle panacea to all her problems.

“Not hear, show! Here you go!”

“The answer to my heartache is… a book(!)”

“Not just any book, Starlight!”

“Oh you’re right, Twilight. This is a book… with pictures!”

“Unnecessary sarcasm aside…” Twilight frowned, as she tried to explain. “ ‘The Complete History Of Equestria’ has helped me on many an occasion, when life became too tough to handle. All I have to do is go to my study, turn on the lamp and get lost in it’s thousands of pages. Whenever Celestia set me an impossible deadline, whenever Spike made some curt remark, whenever, er, you rolled your eyes at me instead of taking our friendship lessons seriously, it’s been there. Impossibly long-detailed paragraphs, and all. And now…”

“You’re giving it to me?” Starlight exclaimed, feeling this was quite an honour.

“No, not exactly. I’d say ‘lending’ was the more appropriate term.” Twilight knew all about that, being a former librarian herself. “It’s a first edition after all, and even though things have been relatively quiet during the first few days of my reign, I just know something major will come up one day which will necessitate me keeping a clear head to make crucial decisions. Hence, why I’ll need that book back at some point.”

“B-But are you sure it’ll work? I mean, it all sounds so simple!” Starlight wondered, leafing through the contents absent-mindedly.

“Sure I’m sure! Until you feel ready to confront your feelings for Sunburst, just flip to any random page and I guarantee, all your problems will seem miles away.” Twilight grinned, happy that finally somepony else would see the appeal of this miraculous work. “I highly recommend the extended section on Ancient Equestria. And as an added bonus, no more sleepless nights! Your coffee addiction will be a thing of the past!”

“Oh Twilight, how can I ever thank you? You’ve saved my life… again.” Starlight left the book at her side to give her mentor the warmest of hugs.

“Well… I can think of a few ways.”

“Name them.”

“You can go and have a nap in the room next door, then first thing tomorrow morning you can head home to be the best darn headmare you can be.”

“Done. Anything else?”

“Well, there is the small matter of a letter of apology I was going to write to all the heads of state regarding tonight’s display. Your signature on it might make a lot of difference…”

…………………………

“Aaahhh, perfect peace at last!” A much-refreshed Twilight remarked as she prepared to climb under her duvet the following night, having seen Starlight off earlier and making sure the unicorn knew what to do from now on.

Sure, she’d miss her favourite book in the short term, but it always felt good to help a friend in need.

Besides, if she couldn’t cope without the giant tome for just a little while, what kind of ruler could she call herself?

In any case, everything finally seemed to be returning to normal. The audience with the public today went by without a hitch. The ‘sorry’ letter to the other world leaders was in the mail: thanks Spike for getting up early to do that for me.

Now all that was left to do was plunge into the goose-feather mattress, and get some well-earned shuteye…

What the… soft… furry… big pointy thing sticking out… don’t tell me… it’s…

“Trixie?!” Twilight gasped, as the unmistakable face of the showmare taking refuge under the alicorn’s quilt gave her the shock of a lifetime.

“About time you got here! I’ve been waiting for simply ages, and this is the only place I knew you’d be for certain!” The seemingly unperturbed Trixie humphed, as if what she was doing wasn’t unusual in the slightest. “Listen, I really need your help with something…”

“Oh no, not you as well!!” Twilight facehoofed herself into oblivion.

“What are you talking abou… never mind. It can’t be as important as what I have to say. You see, there’s this Great and Powerful mare Trixie likes, but the object of my affection has a crush on somepony else. I tried to be supportive, I really did, but in reality I’m like super jealous. I even sabotaged her chances with my love rival by murdering his plants the other day, knowing full well she’d get the blame. Oh, woe is Trixie! The terrible things infatuation makes you do… wait, where are you going? I haven’t even told you her name yet…”

“I think I’ve got a pretty good idea of who it is.” An emotionally numb Twilight answered Trixie with her back turned. “And if you must know, I’m about to get some coffee. Like, a half a gallon’s worth should do it.”

“Ooo, sounds nice! Pour me a cup too, would you? Also, I hate to impose, but do you have any cinnamon nuts?”

“No.”

Author's Note

Well, this took quite a while. And it's one of my longest one-shots to date. But I am pretty proud of it, and can't wait to hear what you think. Be seeing you! :twilightsmile: