Flim and Flam's Enchanted Valley Tours

by Needling Haystacks

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Flim and Flam, Random
Length: 1689

Wherever there is something to make a town, village, or arbitrary mountaintop unique, there's an opportunity for exploitation... I mean commerce. Come join Flim and Flam's Enchanted Valley Tours and see the wonders of Equestria and beyond!

Wherever there is something to make a town, village, or arbitrary mountaintop unique, there's an opportunity for exploitation... I mean commerce. Come join Flim and Flam's Enchanted Valley Tours and see the wonders of Equestria and beyond!

Disclaimer: Flim and Flam's Enchanted Valley Tours may not tour any enchanted locations or valleys. Non-refundable deposit due on reseveration, no refunds or exchanges for delays or cancellations caused by inclement weather, war, acts of Princesses, or unscheduled attacks by ancient evils from beyond the veil of time. Not responsible for removal of unique features due to intervention by any princess, Element of Harmony, their families, students, proteges, friends, lackeys, or any other associates. Not responsible for any injuries, transformations, cutie mark removals, physical alteration, and any and all other mishaps, magical or otherwise, that may result from interaction of unique features with tourists. Copyright, trademark, and patent Flim Flam Enterprises, Ltd. All rights reserved.

Published 2020-07-03 22:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-03 22:10:00 UTC

Scouting 1: Our Town

Scouting 1: Our Town

It was just over a week since Starlight Glimmer had been driven out of the villages, and the ponies were beginning to set a new routine. Party Favor's balloons were getting more creative, Sugar Belle's creations had actual flavor, and Night Glider was able to manipulate the weather enough that they were not subject to the random vagueries of stray air currents. The morning started out well enough, with ponies emerging from their homes as usual. Then Night Glider spotted a black cart stripped with white coming down the road.

"Hey everypony!" she yelled towards the ground, "Visitors!

"Is the Twilight and her friends?" Double Diamond asked as Night Glider landed

"I don't think so," Night Glider said, "They didn't have a cart, did they?"

"Oh it must be our first tourists then!" Sugar Belle said, having trotted over to see what was going on. "Oh it's so exciting to have new ponies taste my creations!

Soon most of the town was out to greet the new arrivals. As the cart grew closer, they could see it was pulled by two yellow unicorn stallions in striped vests.

*****************************

As soon as the cart had reached the edge of town, the unicorns had rapidly unhitched themselves and folded down a stage from their cart.

"Hello," Party Favor said, offering a balloon to the nearest of the newcomers, "Welcome to our town!"

The unicorn looked at the ballon strangely, then grabbed it with his magic and tied it to one of the stage supports.

"And hello to you, my commune-dwelling friend!" Flim said.

"Now I know you're asking, what are a couple of sharply dressed entrepreneurs doing coming to a distant locale like this?" Flam said, leaving almost no space between his brother's words and his.

"Entrepreneurs?" Sugar Belle asked, "Actually we could use some invest..."

"Well wonder no longer!" Flim said, cutting Sugar Belle off.

"For you see, we have heard of your town and the mysterious ability to remove cutie marks," Flam said.

"Actually..." Night Glider began.

"And you know, plenty of ponies would pay good money for that kind of peace of mind," Flim continued, totally ignoring any comments from the audience.

"Not to mention the sense of community!" Flam said.

"Right you are brother. And the way we see it, you probably want more cult... Citizens!" Flim said, hastily changing his spiel on seeing the crowd reaction. The brothers continued to alternate their spiel.

"So what we're proposing is this, we go out and find new Citizens..."

"Charge a modest initiation fee..."

"And bring them here!"

"Minus a small finder's fee of course."

"Naturally."

Finally Double Diamond managed to get a word in edge-wise. "We don't actually..."

"Have space for anymore citizen?" Flim said, completing his mark's sentence, "Not to worry, we've thought of that too!"

"Pre-fab housing!" Flam said, "Just a little bit of magic and it's up! And since I understand the cutie mark removal stifles magic, we'd be happy to handle that little job."

"And at reasonable prices, too!"

"Very reasonable."

"And why stop there? We can charge new citizens not just an initiation fee, but a cutie mark removal fee, a house building fee..."

"We could even charge separately for each flank!"

"For the cutie mark removal?"

"Why not brother!"

By this point the residents were entirely dumbfounded. A few in the back had wandered off, but most had stayed. Even if they were not entirely sure what was happening, they were reasonably confident that it was entertaining.

"And then fees to be allowed to go up the mountain on some sort of spiritual retreat!" Flim continued.

"Clever brother, very clever. We can set up all kinds of levels and charge for each one!"

"Stick with us and we'll all be rich!"

"And since the enlightenment of ponies is the true reward, we'll just take 75% of the profits!"

"What do you say?"

It took a moment for the crowd to realize someone was supposed to respond. Double Diamond, who was slowly becoming the unofficial spokespony, cleared his throat.

"Actually, we don't take cutiemarks anymore," he said.

Flim and Flam were now the ones to look dumbstruck.

"You don't?" Flam asked.

"No," Double Diamond said, turning his flank towards them, "That was all Starlight Glimmer."

"Well are you still a... uh... commune?" Flim said.

"Sort of?" Double Diamond replied, "We're self-sufficient, but we're trying to open up to tourists."

"Hmmm... Let me consult with my partner," Flim hummed. The two brothers whispered together in a huddle while the remaining town residents waited.

"Alright, then we have a NEW opportunity for you!" Flim said, "How would you like to be the first official, authorized stop on Flim and Flam's Encanted Valley Tours?"

"I don't think we're technically a valley," Sugar Belle put in.

"Close enough, my purple-maned mare, close enough!" Flam said to her before turning his attention back to Double Diamond. "Now, step in to our office and we'll work out the details..."

************

When they learned Our Town had a distinct shortage of bits owing to their recent communal past, Flim and Flam discovered a sudden urgent matter they had to attend to. They did, however, get Double Diamond to agree that they could be the 'official tour agents' of Our Town. He reflected later that they'd have probably done that whatever he said. At least it might bring in some tourists.

Author's Note

Author's Note: Chapter was actually written second, but puts us at the earliest point in the timeline I wanted to cover.
Yes their scheme towards the end is loosely based on the Church of Space Woo/Church of Happyology.

This story will be updated whenever I think of clever ideas for it. No clue how often that be. I'll mark it 'complete' once I think I have enough 'stops' for the tour itself and so do the 'tour' arc, which will be a few chapters at the end.

Scouting 2: Hope Hollow

Scouting 2: Hope Hollow

As the festival wound down, the now-colorful ponies of Hope Hollow saw a curious sight. Down the road came a gray cart, hauled by two yellow unicorns in striped vests.

"Come one, come all, for the opportunity of a lifetime!" the one with a mustache said.

"Indeed my brother, we'll bring this town back... wait, something is awry here," said the other.

"Oh great, these two," Applejack groaned, putting her hat over her eyes.

"What are you two doing here?" Twilight Sparkle asked.

"You know these ponies?" Mayor Sunny Day asked.

"Unfortunately," Applejack said, "These here are Flim and Flam, the biggest con ponies in Equestria!"

"Please, entrepenours," Flim said, setting down the cart.

"And the best in Equestria we are!" said Flam, "We heard there might be an opportunity here..."

"If you are trying to captilaze on the Rainbow Festival, forget it," Rarity said.

Flim and Flam looked around at the celebration, and at all the colorful partiers.

"Not at all, my equine friends," Flim said, "We heard this town had no color."

"And we thought, that's a unique feature," Flam said, "But it seems we heard wrong."

"No use trying to sell a bogus cure either," Applejack said, "This town's already gotten its color back."

"Oh, you misunderstand, my apple-growing chum!" Flam said, zipping around and carefully examining everything.

"You see," said Flim, "If something's unique, that makes it marketable!"

Flim pounded on the side of their cart and it opened out into a stand. Displayed on two sides that open out as well as along a counter that folded out were numerous gray stuffed animals and ponies, as well as other typical carnival prizes. A front board below declared "Gray Town Gallantry".

"But now you tell us the thing that made this town unique is gone," Flam said, "Why, it's practically a travesty!"

"We were prepared to make this the best-known town in Equestria!" Flim said, "Ponies would come from across Equestria to see such an amazing phenomenon as a town with no color! At least they would once we were done promoting it..."

"In exchange for the merchandising rights of course," Flam added.

The Mayor had been confused, but now he started to get angry.

"You'd have had people gawk at us like some kind of freak show?" he said.

"Those who think freak shows were a bad thing never saw what they got paid," Flim said, tipping his had to the stallion.

"And anyway it's more like a natural wonder!" Flam added, "People come to see the auroras of the Crystal Empire, and that's pretty much the same."

"I'm nooot sure that's the same thing," Pinkie Pie said.

"I certainly would rather ponies stare at the sky than me," Fluttershy added.

Flim and Flam sighed in unison.

"All academic now, I'm afraid," Flim said.

"Ponies just don't know an opportunity when they see one," Flam added, "I guess we'll need another stop for Flim and Flam's enchanted valley tours."

"But... this isn't a valley," said Petunia Petals.

"Just branding, my pastel pal," Flam said.

"But say... you do have a pretty good festival here..." Flim said, looking around, "Would you happen to need a..."

"NO!" Twilight and her friends yelled.

"Ah well, I hear there's a town down south where everything's green," Flam said, "Shall we brother?"

"Let's shall," Flim replied.

The two packed up their cart just as quickly as they had unloaded it and headed out of town.

********************

"Huh, well that was easier than usual," Applejack said, "Not that I'm complainin'."

"Do... you think we should check on this green town?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Twilight thought about this for a moment.

"Let them handle it for now," she said, "At least until the festival is over."

Author's Note

This chapter was written first, shortly after "Rainbow Roadtrip" aired, but obviously comes later on the timeline. Now later chapters might correspond to episodes that aired earlier, but as Rainbow Roadtrip is given no definitive place in the timeline beyond 'after Season 5', I figured I'd put it second as it gives me enough of a word count to post this.