We are scum

by sykko

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Suicide / Self Harm, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Sad, Princess Luna
Length: 1812

In the wake of the events when the Elements purged Nightmare Moon from her, Luna isolates herself in her room, wracked with guilt and depression

Though it has been weeks since the Elements of Harmony have purged Nightmare Moon from her, Luna is wracked by guilt and depression. Though the Elements purged the nightmare, they cannot purge the feelings of guilt and self-loathing, nor can they heal the scars wrought by jealously, anger, rage and madness. Though everypony forgave her, Luna cannot forgive herself and seeks penance through suffering.
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My thought process on this follows, I tried to put myself in Luna's figurative shoes when coming up with this story and how would I cope.
The inspiration for this story come from the songs Hurt by Nine Inch Nails, Long Hard Road Out Of Hell by Marilyn Manson and my own personal struggles with mental illness and self harm.

This story contains thoughts and actions of self harm, depression, negative self talk and self loathing. Reader discretion is advised.

Published 2020-07-05 03:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-05 03:10:00 UTC

And we hate our self

Luna laid on the floor of her room twitching fitfully in her sleep. In her dream the Tantabus, her creation she made to torment herself, persecuted her relentlessly, making her relive the moments when her jealousy and anger had finally finished poisoning her mind, clouding it with rage and madness, turning her into Nightmare Moon.

A gentle tapping at the bedchamber door made Luna snap awake. Looking around in a panic, he mind slowly realized where she was and relaxed for a moment. Rising slowly to her hooves, she checked the alarm clock on the end table, two-thirty in the afternoon, she had been asleep for two hours. "We have slept for too long.", she scolded herself, before winding the alarm clock with a hoof.

Luna looked at the still made bed, the softness of the mattress, the fluffiness of the pillows and the warmth of the blankets invited her to lay down. She lifted a foreleg to climb onto the warm, inviting bed. She forced her leg to stop and struck herself with the hoof hard in her stomach. "No!", she scolded herself, "Beds are for proper princesses, not for vile, traitorous scum. Even the cold, hard floor is too good for us." She allowed her eyes to drift across the room to a small table that still had a plate of uneaten food and glass of untouched water on it. Stomach growling like an angry beast in hunger and throat parched like a desert from thirst, she took a step towards the table. She forced herself to stop and struck herself in the stomach again. "Thou art greedy traitor.", she scolded herself again, "Starvation and thirst art too good for us."

A gentle tapping at the door again pulled Luna out of her thoughts of self loathing. "Princess?", a voices from the other side of the door, "Are you okay? Can I come in?"

"We are well.", Luna said, "Thou may enter."

The door handle jiggled as it opened. A maid walking in pushing a cart carrying a fresh plate of food and glass of water, along with several unopened letters on it, ever since her return and the purging of the nightmare from her by the Elements of Harmony three weeks, ponies had been writing to Luna from across Equestria expressing their elation at her return. The maid looked at the untouched food and water on the table frowning, before turning to Luna. "Princess...", she said with a concerned look in her eyes, "I'm worried. You're not eating, you're barely sleeping. This isn't healthy.", she pointed a hoof to Luna's fetlocks. "And I see fresh scars where you've been hurting yourself.", he voice began to crack as tears shimmered in her eyes, "I know alicorn healing allows you to shrug off most injuries, but this has gone too far. If not for your sake, then for the sake of Princess Celestia, go talk to her."

"Just leave the food and water on the table, then depart.", Luna said, "We are fine."

"You aren't fine!", the maid fired back, "If you won't go to Celestia, then I will. This has to stop now, before you go to far."

Luna stood to her full height, stormed over to the maid and loomed over her, causing her to crouch to the floor, laying her ears flat against her head trembling. "Dost thou think we art a foal whom thou canst run behind behind our back to our and tattle?", she said angrily, "Thou shalt remember thy oath of secrecy thou swore." Luna caught herself and recoiled from the scared maid. Turning away with a tears welling in her eyes, she said, "We are sorry. We did not mean to lash out at thee. We are not angry at thou. Just leave the food on the table and depart."

The made quickly rose to her hooves and swapped out the old for the fresh, then laid the unopened letters on the table. "Please at least eat something.", she said before leaving the room. After closing the door, she paused in the hallway and whispered to herself, "Please forgive me Luna, but I've kept this from Celestia for too long."

After the maid had left and closed the door, Luna walked over to the table, picking up the letters in her teeth. Walking over to the dresser, she opened a drawer, revealing dozens upon dozens of unopened letters. Dropping the letters in, she packed down the already full drawer and closed it. She then walked over to the nightstand, opened the drawer with a hoof, revealing a homemade lash made from the cords from the curtains and a shard of broken glass and took them out. Walking over to the center of the room, she laid them on the floor, inspecting them.

"We are scum.", Luna snarled in contempt, "The mare was just showing her concern for us. And what do we do? We lash out, frightening her." She grabbed the lash in her teeth and said through gritted teeth, "We are treacherous, traitorous scum worthy only of being scrapped from the hooves of our ponies." Snatching her head to the side, the lash cracked against the side and back of her barrel, raising a welt. "We are unworthy to be loved!", she snarled to herself, snapping the lash to the other side of her barrel, raising another welt.

As Luna continued to flog herself, memories came flooding back. She remembered a thousand years ago how she had allowed the feelings of jealously and anger to poison her mind until they became rage and madness. She remembered transforming into a monster that tried to snuff out the light of day. She remembered She remembered ranting, raving and raging on the cold, lifeless void on the moon during her banishment. As the lash slapped against her flesh, some of her welts began to bleed.

Luna spat the lash out, panting. She remembered upon her return, she remembered nearly skewering the lavender unicorn mare, the prized pupil of Celestia, who was simply fighting to protect her home. She raised a hoof and struck herself hard on the face with a hoof. "Traitorous cur!", she screamed at herself, "Suffer for thy iniquities!" She slammed a hoof into her face again and tested copped in her mouth. "Suffer for betraying our sister!" Another hard strike and she smelled iron in her nose. "Suffer for trying to slay Twilight Sparkle!" Yet another blow and she felt her eye begin to swell. "Suffer suffer because that is what we deserve!" She screamed in hatred at herself as she struck herself again.

Celestia sat in her office, filling paperwork and looking over the itinerary for the afternoon court. She paused in between documents, sighing. "Here I go again being a terrible sister.", she said to herself, "Just like a thousand years ago, Luna needs me and I'm burying myself in paperwork and courtly duties." She placed the quill down and rose from the desk. When Celestia opened the door, she was surprised by the maid she had assigned to help Luna standing outside the door, with a hoof raised, ready to knock."

"How can I help you my little pony?", Celestia asked, noting the concerned look on the maid's face.

"I'm concerned about Luna, princess.", the maid said, "She's not eating, she's barely sleeping, she's been hurting herself. When I found about it weeks ago, she swore me to secrecy and I can't stay silent about it anymore."

"Thank you for coming to me.", Celestia said, "I know it wasn't easy for you to speak up." She shimmied past the maid and ran across the castle, dodging guards and staff.

Luna placed her hoof onto the floor, her body trembling with pain. Blood dribbled from her lips and nose. Her head spun as her ears rang. "We are less than the dirt beneath the hooves of our ponies.", she said spiting herself, "We deserve to be strapped onto a throne of pain and made to wear a crown of feces." She picked up the shard of glass in her teeth and said around it, "Bleed for thy sins." Lifting up a fetlock, she sliced the glass across it and blood began to drip. "We don't deserve love or adoration. "We deserve to be cast upon the heap with the rest of the offal and have the ponies spit upon us." She opened up another cut in her fetlock. "We are scum." As she went to open another cut, the door to her room crashed open.

Before Luna could react, Celestia snatched the shard of glass away in a golden aura.

Celestia looked over over her sister in horror. The welts on her barrel, the open, bleeding cuts on her fetlock, the swollen, bruised eyes, the blood dripping from her lips and nose. Celestia threw her forelegs around Luna, not caring that the blood was staining her white coat pink. Her sides heaved with sobs, "Please don't do this Luna! I can't lose you a second time!" She collapsed to the floor weeping, dragging Luna with her. "I've been a terrible sister. Just like a thousand years ago, I've buried myself in my work while you are hurting."

Luna laid next to Celestia stunned, held in the crushing hug. It took her several minutes before she could speak, "Nay sister, thou art not at fault." Her breath began to waver and her voice cracked, "We are scum and we are not worthy of thy love. We art nothing more than a traitor whom sought to usurp thou from thine throne." tears ran from her eyes as she began to cry. Once she felt strong enough, she shoved away from the hug and sat up. She closed her eyes stoically and said, "We will accept our punishment with poise and grace this time."

Celestia gently laid a hoof on Luna's leg. "Very well.", she said, "Your punishment is to receive all the unconditional love from me and every second of attention until you are ready to resume your royal duties."

Luna stared in disbelief. "Why?", she asked.

"Because I love you Luna.", Celestia replied, "You are deserving of all my love and so much more." She gestured for her sister to follow her, "Come on, let's get you to the medical ward and get you patched up."

That night as Celestia was tucking in Luna, Luna looked to her sister and said, "Thank you sister, but we are fine."

"No you're not fine, Luna.", Celestia said, "Tomorrow I'm taking you to start seeing a counselor. Don't worry, you'll get better and I'll be there beside you for every step, no matter how long the road is." The two sisters shared a long hug before Luna settled down into sleep, knowing the Tantabus would be waiting on her.