Starlight's Psyche and the Means to Fix It
The two mares sat shivering against one another, willing the cold away. Their recently agreed upon spelunking adventure had been severely derailed. The rockslide that blocked their only path back out of the cave seemed to taunt them. It also seemed to have a mind of its own, bearing thoughts of malice and torment against the poor ponies. It bullied them into submission, creating a level of fear and nervousness that neither of them had known before. Well…that is to say…one of them had never known it before.
But now, they were simply two equines at the mercy of the various elements. They had a nice window to the outside world, but unfortunately, it was much too high in the mountain to jump out of. One of them did bear the miracle of flight, but with a wing broken, that miracle had been halted dead in its tracks. It caused her terrific pain just to try and move her appendage, so her friend had made a makeshift splint out of some string and torn fabric from their saddlebags. It helped the wing stay in place, though it did nothing to ease the agony. Every time it was tapped ever so slightly, she let out a heart rending shriek.
Now, they nestled close and attempted to keep warm. They could see the rain falling. It laughed at them as well as it drove from the overhang past their noses and down the steep escarpment. It hit the ground with the normal volume, but to their tired ears, it sounded like magical gunfire. “SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!” Came the thundering noises. The mares flinched with every single smack, because it seemed to foretell certain doom. There was no plausible way that their friends would ever find them. In fact, the other ponies might not even know of their plight. So, they simply sat…and awaited death.
“We’re gonna die here,” the first mare, Starlight Glimmer, said hopelessly.
“Don’t talk like that, Starlight,” the second mare, Princess Twilight Sparkle, responded, “we’ll be alright. We’ve been through…worse things before.”
“Yeah, but that was when our friends were around,” Starlight said, “in here, it’s just us. Nopony knows where we are, and no help is coming. Let’s face it, Twi. We’ve been beaten by the harshness of this cavern. We’ll probably wind up becoming a light snack for some predator by morning.”
Twilight was distraught at her friend’s sudden nihilism. She had never heard the normally self-confident mare speak in such a manner. Frankly, it frightened her. Starlight had always been such a strong and powerful pony. When she had learned how to use her strength and skill for good instead of evil, she had become an amazing ally and friend. But now, it seemed that all of that had washed away, leaving the quivering shell that Twilight beheld. It was as if the former dictator had shut down completely. The vast fields of her mentality, once teeming with life, suddenly seemed very bare. She was having a mental breakdown, and it was up to Twilight to keep her spirits up.
“Cheer up, Star!” She said suddenly, “I just know our friends are gonna come for us!”
“Will they?” Starlight asked with a dull look, “all they know is that we took a week off from school to go caving. They don’t know the first thing about this rockslide, or that we desperately need their help!”
“Starlight…come on,” Twilight said, “you need to keep a positive attitude!”
“How can I be positive when the inevitable is so close?” Starlight asked.
She abruptly got up from her haunches and moved closer to the natural window. She looked at the ground, and then back out into the rain. She peered over the escarpment to the ground many hundreds of hooves below. It all seemed completely empty to her, and the rain was befitting of her mood. It fell and every singular drop seemed to mirror her own severe depression. She had been fighting it for a few days, though she hadn’t bothered telling anypony. She figured that it was better to let the friendships continue unimpeded. There was no need to bother her peers with her problem.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a soft hoof on her shoulder. She turned and saw that Twilight had joined her. While the princess’s presence was somewhat comforting, it still didn’t do anything to drive away the horrible question that she’d been asking herself. It was one she’d had ever since she moved into Twilight’s castle and became her student. It was one that had followed her throughout her friendship education and into her role as the School of Friendship’s Guidance Counselor. It was one that plagued her, and tortured her dreams. It was one she had nearly committed suicide over multiple times. She had secretly taken to using a knife on her foreleg just to drive away the pain. If the question were answered negatively, it would change her whole life.
She saw the kindness in Twilight’s eyes and thought about asking it. But, no…she just couldn’t. Her mind began to race as she was transported back into the jagged rocks of her nightmares, spinning and swirling in self-doubt until she could take no more. Her heart felt like someone had set a raging inferno, and her breaths became very short. Fear took hold of her consciousness, and she began hallucinating those terrible scenarios. They were lonely, frightening, and cold. She felt an evil within them, and she also knew that she had created it. It drove her to tears, and she suddenly collapsed to the cave floor and began sobbing heavily.
Twilight was quick to comfort her. “Sh…it’s okay,” the princess said as she ran her hoof through Starlight’s mane, “it’s all okay…”
“No, it’s not!” Starlight wailed as the burden she carried finally crushed her, and she pounded a hoof in frustration. “IT’S NOT OKAY, DAMN IT! It’s never been okay…I…I’ve never been okay.”
“What do you mean?”
“Twilight, I don’t know how you could ever have called me a friend. I don’t know why you did.”
Twilight looked understandably surprised. “Well…because you needed one.”
“I know I needed one,” the distraught mare replied, “but I never deserved one. You should’ve left me to rot in that village. Oh, that village. THAT CELESTIA DAMNED VILLAGE!”
Starlight’s shriek echoed through the cave, and she instinctively collapsed into Twilight’s embrace. The princess ran hoof after hoof through her mane, quietly reassuring her that their friendship was as strong as it ever was. Starlight began to call down curses upon herself, and each one broke Twilight’s heart. She loved Starlight as a sister loves another, and nothing could ever replace that. Still, hearing the former dictator’s descent was horrifying. Twilight knew that Starlight’s heart, mind, and will had been shattered by something rather substantial. Now, she just needed the purple mare to open up about it.
Starlight began to quiet down, and Twilight slowly bent out of the embrace. “Now, suppose you tell me why you’re cursing yourself.”
“Because that’s what the dreams tell me to do,” Starlight whispered.
Twilight jumped a bit. Now, she was really interested. “Have you spoken with Luna?”
Starlight shook her head. “I just can’t, Twilight,” she admitted, “I just can’t. Why would she want to help me? I mean, after everything I’ve done in my wretched past, I’m just lucky to be able to show my face in public.”
Twilight realized that Starlight’s shame and guilt was what caused her to avoid seeking help. But at the same time, she also realized that those were what needed to be broken. It appeared that there was one final friendship lesson that Starlight needed to learn, and Twilight was in the perfect position to teach it. She smiled to herself as she once again saw Starlight as a pupil, and it gave her a small thrill to be returned to such a position. She remembered how broken Starlight had been, and how hard she’d worked to create a better life for herself. She remembered how proud Starlight looked on her graduation day, and how much she’d meant as a counselor. Now, the counselor needed counseling.
“Starlight, I-“ The princess began.
“That’s not all, Twilight,” Starlight interrupted, “the dreams…are of my old village. I dream that I’m in the middle of town, surrounded by everypony. I know their names, their faces, and their personalities. I know their families, friends, and practically everything else. They do my bidding. They bow to me. They praise my name and offer gifts to me. Yet…even with all of that…I’m completely alone. They’re still foreign to me.
Then, the dream gets worse. They all fall away from me, and I’m left floundering in this black hole of nothingness. Nopony helps me out of it. I look up and I see them just staring at me with lifeless eyes, and I realize that, by removing their cutie marks, I’ve taken away their will to want to be true friends! They don’t help me, because they see me as a god! My calls fall upon deaf ears, and I feel completely abandoned! What’s worse, it’s my own fault! I caused my own abandonment by my villagers, and there’s nothing I can do to reverse it! But the most terrifying thing of all…is that you never show up! None of our friends ever show up! I’m left drowning in this abyss of my own making, and I haven’t a friend in the world to help me! It’s a vision of what would have happened if we’d never met! I just KNOW it is! It scares me to think what might have been, and what my destiny would be if I’d continued down that path! My dreams torture me with these thoughts Twilight, and…I JUST CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!”
She leapt at Twilight, and knocked her over in a fiercely honest display of emotion. Twilight could do nothing but continue to offer a comforting presence in Starlight’s darkest hour. She couldn’t imagine what her poor friend was dealing with, and she saw the strain it put on the mare. Her eyes had become increasingly wild as she described her haunting visions, and Twilight was doing everything in her power to ensure that she didn’t lose control of her fragile psyche. She felt Starlight sob and sob and sob, and each quiver and quake brought a new sense of empathy and compassion to the princess. Her wing was killing her, but she didn’t care. Her friend was much more important. So, she slowly brought them back to a seated position and allowed Starlight to weep as she needed to.
When the light purple mare finished, Twilight looked at her. “Listen to me, Starlight,” she said gently, yet with purpose, “I am your friend. I would never abandon you. I would go to the ends of Equestria for you, and then some. The love and harmony we share cannot be absolved, and I promise you that.”
“Easy for you to say,” Starlight said as she wiped her tears, “you’re The Princess of Friendship. What about our other friends? Would they help?”
“I know they would,” Twilight said with a smile, “and I know they’ll come for us here. They would never leave a friend behind.”
“Are…you…sure?” Starlight asked between sobs.
“I’m positive,” Twilight responded, “and I’d bet my princess title on it. Starlight, those dreams are a product of your own refusal to self-forgive. You’re just like Princess Luna was with her Tantabus. When she forgave herself for her time as Nightmare Moon, the beast vanished. You need to forgive yourself for everything you’ve done.”
“I can’t do that, Twilight,” Starlight said, “I did too many things wrong. I stole pony’s lives! I mean…short of killing them, that’s about the worst thing I could’ve done!”
“But you’ve moved past that point!” Twilight said desperately, “you need to reconsider your self-loathing and redeem yourself in your eyes! That’s the only way you’ll get these nightmares to cease.”
Starlight thought for a moment, picking her way through the rock strewn hills of her mind. Then, she suddenly thought of the devotion her friends had shown to her. They’d forgiven her, and so had everyone else. Why couldn’t she demand the same of herself? It certainly wasn’t selfish. It was simply the correct step to take on a long and winding path to healing. Even though it seemed wrong, it felt right. So, she took a deep breath and finally managed to tell herself that the past was just that: the past. She must move forward in friendship and harmony. She had taken the right hoof steps, but had bypassed one of the most important aspects of her journey. Twilight had, once again, graciously and beautifully guided her to that realization.
“Twilight…I…I do forgive myself,” she said with a smile, “I can’t go on slaughtering my soul for something that I need to be learning from. So…I forgive myself.”
“Congratulations, my dear friend,” Twilight said as her eyes shone, “that’s one of the most important things you could do. Now, let’s try and get some sleep.”
“Okay,” Starlight said.
She and Twilight curled up next to each other and enjoyed the warmth they found there. For the first time in weeks, Starlight’s dreams were beautiful, and she had her best friend to thank for it. She had finally forgiven herself, and all of her nihilistic thinking was washed away. Being trapped in the physical cave became irrelevant. She had freed herself from the winding caverns of her own mind, and she’d never felt happier.
